01x01 - The Garden Party

[bunniefuu]

I am not a prophet.

But sometimes
I have prophetic dreams.

Like the one where I was
at a garden party.

Excuse me.

Everyone, I have
a brief announcement to make.

Jesus was black,
Ronald Reagan was the devil,

and the government
is lyin' about 9/11.

Thank you for your time
and good night.

No!

That can't be true!

Unhand me!

Hi-ya!

He's on fire!

Somebody get some water.

Ow!

Mm-hm. You havin' that dream
where you made

the white people riot,
weren't ya?

But I was tellin' the truth!

How many times have I told you,
you better not even dream

about tellin' white folk
the truth?

You understand me?

sh**t.

Makin' white people riot.

You better learn
how to lie like me.

I'm gonna find me a white man
and lie to him right now.

? I am the stone
The builder refused ?

? I am the visual
The inspiration ?

? That made lady
Sing the blues ?

? I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ?

? The same spark
That lights the dark ?

? So that you can know
Your left from your right ?

? I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ?

? The inner glow
That lets you know ?

? To call your brother sun ?

? The story that just begun ?

? The promise
Of what's to come ?

? And I'm a remain a soldier ?

? Till the w*r is won ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop ?

? Work it out, yeah?

? Everybody work that body
Move your body ?

? To the b*at ?

? Everybody move that body ?

? Oh, yeeeaaah ?

? Yeah ?

Sorry, Billy Blanks,
but why buy the tape

when you can get
the infomercial for free?

Whew!

What the hell?

Boys!

Would one of y'all like
to explain this?

Uh...

You mean, the orange juice
or the miniskirt?

Which one of y'all drank
the last glass of orange juice?

That's the last full day's
supply of vitamin C.

What am I supposed to do
about my vitamin C now?

Y'all need to start
appreciatin' your granddaddy.

I went and spent
your inheritance

on this beautiful house
in this neighborhood.

And all I ask you to do

is act like you got some class.

Hey, what's class?

It means don't act
like n*gg*s.

S-see? That's what
I'm talkin' about right there.

We don't use the N-word
in this house.

Granddad, you said the word
"n*gga" 46 times yesterday.

I counted.

n*gga, hush.

Now, you may not like it,

but I moved y'all out here

to expand your horizon.

There's a new white man
out here.

He's refined.

For example, did you know

that the new white man
loves gourmet cheese?

Wait.

I'm sorry,
did you say cheese?

Yep, cheese.

You give the meanest white man
a piece of cheese,

and he turn into Mr. Rogers.

Granddad,
that doesn't make sense.

Don't you talk back to me.

Granddad, you can't tame

the white supremacist
power structure with cheese!

Oh, yes, I can!
No, you can't!

Yes, I can!
No, you can not!

Cheese.

How can somebody that old

say somethin' that stupid?

I know about white people too.

Like, when they talk,

they say the whole word, like this.

Why'd he even move us out here?

Probably did it
just to make us miserable.

And white people take time out to study.

I hate this place.

And white people arrest you.

Man.

Hey!

Looks like the feds.

Who the hell could be
knockin' on this door

this early in the mornin'?

If it's a Jehovah Witness,
I'm kickin' his ass.

Yes?

I'm looking for Robert Freeman.

I'm Robert Freeman.

I'm Ed Wuncler.

From Wuncler's
Savings and Loan.

Uh, so?

I own the bank
that owns your house.

Oh, well...

Come in, sir.

Welcome to your house.

Robert, my family founded
Woodcrest over 170 years ago.

I was born here,
and I still live here.

I consider this place
to be family,

and I'm very selective

about who I allow
in to that family.

You understand
what I'm saying, Robert?

Hey, yes,
I totally understand.

Would you like some...

cheese?

Did you just offer me cheese?

Yes, I did.

I'd love some cheese, thank you.

Hm.

Riley!

Go get the fancy cheese.

I'd like to ask some questions,
if you don't mind.

Are you gay, and if so,
do you have a gay lover

living with you in the house?

Gay? No, I'm not gay.

I mean, I happen to think
a man looks nice

with good hair and a ponytail.

But, no, mm-mm, I'm not gay.

What's your position
on gay marriage?

Well, first of all,

I believe all marriage
is wrong.

Good one, good.

Uh, you don't look
like you associate

with any Muslims,
Arabs, you know.

People of t*rror1st descent?

Uh, well...

We got Kraft,

and we got Velveeta.

Your grandson?

Afraid so. Ahem.

You know, I have a grandson too.
He's...

Is that right?

Well, heh-heh-heh,

this has been delightful.

Well, it's really been
a pleasure, Mr., uh...

I-Own-Everything.

We should get together soon

and have, uh...
more cheese.

Like a nice Brie
or a G-Gouda...

G-Gayda- Gouda.

Heh. You know, you're
my kind of guy, Freeman.

Old school.

What are you doin' tomorrow?

We're throwin' a garden party

for my grandson.

He just got back from Iraq.

You should stop by,
meet some of the neighbors.

Bring the kids.

Sounds like a splendid idea.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Uh, thanks for stoppin' by.

Cheers.

Huey!

This damn thing looks real.

Can I have my g*n back?

Son of a-!

A garden party?

Yeah, boy.

I might buy sandals
and new underwear.

Oh, you sh*t me!

Granddad tried
to assassinate me.

Boy, what did I tell ya?
This is the new white man.

He's distinguished.

Granddad, I do not sip tea
with the enemy.

You could force me to go,

but you cannot force me
to be someone I'm not.

The hell I can't!

You gonna go and you're
not gonna embarrass me

in front of my new neighbors,
or I'm gonna b*at your ass.

Why can't we be ourselves, huh?
Why can't I be me?

Are you ashamed of us?
Very.

We never asked to move here

with your precious
new white people, Granddad.

Didn't ask?

Well, you didn't ask for us

to be att*cked
by dogs and fire hoses,

so you can live here,
but we did it anyway.

Oh, here he go again with
the dogs and the fire hoses.

sh**t, we were att*cked
by dogs and fire hoses.

Were you att*cked?

I-I don't know what difference
that makes.

Because it's like
the whole generation

tries to take credit for
what happened to some people.

That's ridiculous.

Now, see-
Well, you know...

Uh, what had happened was...

Get out of here.
Go, go, go!

Come on, get out of here.

Aw, man.

I missed it.
Was it bad?

Did they do the thing
with the fire hoses?

What do you think, chump?

Damn, what's eatin' you?

A g*dd*mn German shepherd,
that's what.

Where was you?

I-I had to go back
to the apartment

'cause I forgot my raincoat.

You went to-? You-?

This n*gga went to get
a motherfuckin' raincoat.

I can't believe you.

We all been watchin'
the same news.

The police been doin'
this fire hose thing all week.

I just assumed
we'd all wear our raincoat.

Damn it, Robert.

Who the hell comes
to a march with a raincoat?

Bet you wish
you had a coat now.

You son of a bitch!

Remember what Dr. King said!

Who actually got hit with
the fire hose ain't important.

Now, we goin' to this party,

and your black asses
are gonna behave.

If I'm lucky, I'll find myself
a nice white woman

with a flat booty
who'll listen to my problems.

Now, the word for the day is "behave. "

H-E-A-V-E.

Behave.

I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Excuse me. Out of the way,
Kunta Kinte! Yes, sir.

How can I help ya?

Excuse me?

Oh, Lord have mercy.
Security. Security.

We got a Code Black.

Code Black at the main gate.

Ruckus, what the hell

is a Code Black?

There are some hungry-lookin'

n*gg*s at the front gate.

What y'all doin' here?

Deliveries are in the back.

Well, my name is Robert Freeman,

I was invited here
by Ed Wuncler.

Well, I'm Ruckus.
Uncle Ruckus, no relation.

And I work for Mr. Wuncler.

And you slick n*gg*s

ain't gonna fast-talk your way
into this here party.

Ruckus, what the hell
are you doing?

Uh, Mr. Freeman,

I'm sorry.
Please, come this way.

See, boys?

And you thought we'd be
the only black people.

Robert!

Glad you made it, Robert.
This is my grandson, Ed III.

How are you?

Whassup y'all, what's good?

Uh... so I understand
you just got back from Iraq.

For real?

Yo, what's it like?

What's it like?

What I supposed
to say to that?

It was cool, there was b*tches?

Okay, there was b*tches,
but a lot of them had,

you know, they was covered up

in them curtains and stuff
they be wearin'.

But I digress.

It was w*r!

It was w*r, basically.

w*r, you know what that's like?

m*therf*ckers be,
like, sh**t':

Bombs blowin' up.

And, you know,
the sh*t scared me.

It scared the sh*t out of me.

Matter of fact, I sh*t on myself
over a dozen times

and ran out of toilet paper
after the second time.

So you know
what that meant, right?

I had to use the thumb, man.
It was kind of nasty.

But, you know,
the good thing about it

was they stopped taking me
out on patrol.

'Cause my name
became "Stink b*mb. "

You know what I'm sayin'?

They said, you know,
I was giving away our position

because of the sh*t smell.

That was fine with me,
you know what I'm sayin'.

They- They wanted
to leave me back.

And I was like:
"Well, f*ck y'all.

"Y'all go ahead on 'cause
I don't need y'all anyway.

I'm rich, bitch. "

The f*ck y'all looking at?

Hey, li'I man.

Like g*ns?

Yeah!

C'mon.

Come on, let's get that drink.

Well, you should definitely see The Passion.

It's a very important movie.

Couldn't see it.
White Jesus.

Excuse me?

Come on, man.

It's supposed to be
all historically accurate,

and they still have
a white man

playin' Jesus?

That's some old bullshit.

Young man, you speak so well.

Well,

la-di-da-di-do.

Look like we got us the winner

of the Lucky-n*gga-of-the-Year
award.

Ah.

They must think
the sun shine out your ass.

Mr. Wuncler's
been very nice, yes.

They must think you
Sidney f*cking Poitier.

Well,

I been workin'
for Mr. Wuncler for 20 years.

I ain't never got invited
to the party.

sh**t, he don't even let me
use the front door.

But you wouldn't know
about that,

now, would ya, Mr. Tibbs?

Oh, yeah.

They must think
your sh*t smell

like spring daisies
and cinnamon.

Check this out.

Wow.

Are those real?

Real?

Put it this way:

if I pick one up
and put it to your face,

pull the trigger,
will you be dead?

And all I'm saying is,

Ronald Reagan was the devil.

You are such
an articulate young man.

I'm tryin' to explain to you

that Ronald Reagan was
the devil.

Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Each of his names
has six letters.

Six-six-six.

Man, doesn't that offend you?

I love this kid.

Stop that.
What are you doin'?

Stop clappin'.

Having a good time, Robert?

I-It's, uh...

Come on,
have a drink with me.

You look nervous.

Do I make you nervous,
Free-man?

Nervous? No.

I was just, uh, keepin' an eye
out for the boys.

This is a lovely party.

The only joy
I get from these parties

is standing around,
telling mean-spirited jokes

at other people's expense.

I do that too.

Check out that guy.

Why is his face
all twisted up like that?

Looks like he jacks off
with Icy Hot.

He looks like
he just sh*t a gerbil.

A gerbil.

Sorry, I'll be right back.

Tell me this,

why was all the video recordin'

of the Pentagon att*ck
seized by the FBI

and never seen again?

He speaks so well.

He's adorable.

Are you even listenin'

to what I'm sayin'?

n*gga, if you ruin
this party for me,

I'll put my-
Ruin the party? They love me.

These people aren't worried
about us.

They're not worried
about anything. They're rich.

No matter what happens,

these people will
just keep applaudin'.

Ahem. Attention please.

My name is Uncle Ruckus,
no relation.

I want to sing y'all a brand
new song I just wrote called:

"Don't Trust Them New n*gg*s
Over There. "

Sing along
if you know the words.

? Don't trust them new n*gg*s
Over there?

? Leavin' they n*gga essence
In the air?

? Them happy
Nappy-head n*gg*s?

? With their fingers?

? On the triggers?

? Don't trust them new n*gg*s
Over there?

Are you sure that vest'll stop
this shotgun?

Man, I'm like the Terminator
in this vest.

? What the hell They doin' here anyway??

What? You don't believe me?

Go ahead!

Pull the trigger.

Now, are you sure that-?

I said pull that trigger now!

You wanna play rough?

Okay.

? Don't trust them big nostrils
Over yonder?

? They'll suck up so much air
It'll make you wonder?

? Don't trust them new n*gg*s?

? With their squatty little
n*gga-figures?

? Don't trust them new n*gg*s?

? Over there?

I think the N-word is okay,
as long as they say it.

See?

Say hello to my little friend.

f*ck y'all lookin' at?

Hey, you think we in trouble?

You sh*t his grandson
out the window.

What you think?

I don't know.

I didn't want to move here,

but I don't really want Granddad
to lose his house.

He worked his whole life
to get here.

Man, I like that house.

Oh, well, I sh*t a n*gga!

Mr. Wuncler,

I'm... sorry about
the whole, you know,

my grandson sh**ting
your grandson

out of the window thing.

Are you mad?

In 30 years,

that boy will be the president
of the United States.

And he'll still
be a f*cking idiot.

Whew.

Now, are we gonna have
that drink or what?

Glad you were able
to make it, Robert.

To the old school.

To the old school.