02x15 - The Uncle Ruckus Reality Show

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Everyone, it's Thursday.

So it's time for

our Monday staff meeting.

My name is Weggie Rudlin.

I'm the new super-duper smart,

Harvard-educated president

of entertainment at BET.

MAN: Yep.

Do you know why

I was given this job?

You're super-duper smart.

Yes. But why?

Because you went

to Harvard.

Yes. But why would they want

a super-duper smart guy

who went to Harvard

to run BET?

MAN:

I know.

[TYPING]

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Because it's time to take BET

in a new direction.

Remember the first day

I showed up, I asked,

"What's your highest-rated

program?"

And you guys said:

106 & Park with AJ and Free.

Yes.

MAN: Yep.

And I said,

"Great. Fire them." Why?

Because what you call success,

Weggie Rudlin calls failure.

And vice versa.

See, when people ask me,

have I made BET a success,

I say no.

[SNORING]

It's time to redefine success.

Because once you

embrace failure,

you can't go anywhere

else but up.

That's a business theory

taught at Harvard

called "negative elevation."

Now, I may be going a too fast,

but I'm happy to

slow it down.

Are there any questions?

Is it true

that you put a ban

on two- and three-syllable

words, man?

Good question. Yes.

Our research says

we need to be focusing

on the monosyllabic

demographic.

I believe lots of syllables

confuses our viewers.

Especially those in the South.

I've got a question.

Of course.

You didn't go to Harvard.

Do you have any experience

running a network?

Okay, see now.

You're a hater.

You're fired,

so get on out of here.

But I haven't been paid

in three months.

This is basically

volunteer work for me.

Oh. Well. Quiet down,

so the rest of us who are

getting paid

can work, thank you.

MAN:

You're the Harvard man.

Okay. I would like everyone

to please

look under their chairs.

You will find a copy

of the Black Panther comic book

that I wrote.

Please read it carefully.

This is the super-cool stuff

we'll be doing at BET

from now on.

Chicken. Are you kidding me?

That's your complimentary lunch.

And the orange is

your new health care plan.

Antioxidants.

Very important. Wait.

Nope, nope, nope.

You don't get any.

You are fired.

Okay, let's talk about

some new shows.

As you know, we're starting

BET Animation.

Here's what I wanna see.

I'm thinking rappers.

Young M.C. roller skating.

Edginess. He's going too fast.

His brakes don't work.

We'll get Tone Loc

to do the voice. Okay, hm...

How about an animated version

of Hamburglar?

He's a hungry thug.

It's gritty, like The Wire.

He does a drive-by

on Burger King.

McDonald's can co-finance.

We'll call it, Beef.

Wait a minute.

I'm seeing a Flintstones thing

happening here.

Dino could be a rottweiler,

maybe a pit bull.

Instead of Bedrock,

we're in Africa.

We're keeping it real.

You got that?

Got it, Weggie.

All right. Next stop: reality.

The Ruckus Reality Show.

I'm digging it,

I'm feeling it.

It's what's good.

Let's do that show.

Wait a minute.

Is this the show about the black

man who hates black people?

I hear that tone.

The head of Viacom personally

asked me to make this show.

He was being sarcastic.

No! Excuse me!

Which one of us

went to Harvard, huh?

Did you go to Harvard?

You think you understand

white humor more than me?

You know, what? Shush.

You don't even

work here anymore.

Now, the rest of you,

get a crew.

Get out someone crossing--

Wherever that guy's from.

And let's make

The Uncle Ruckus Show happen.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I am the stone

The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual

The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady

Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark

That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark

That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know

Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box

The b*llet in the g*n ♪

♪ The inner glow

That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise

Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the w*r is won

Won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop

Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop

Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop

Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[♪♪♪]

[BUZZES]

RUCKUS:

I wake up at a quarter to 5

in the a.m. every morning.

That's about 12 hours

before most n*gg*s wake up.

[SNICKERS]

I am a very spiritual person.

I start each day by thanking

the white man for the sunrise.

For the land I walk on.

For the air I breathe.

I also apologize for n*gg*s.

But Lord knows they ain't gonna

apologize for themselves.

I am not black. Nor do I

consider myself to be black.

Many people mistake me

for being n*gro

because they don't know

that I am currently living

with the heartbreak

of revitiligo.

That's a skin condition

that's the opposite

of what Michael Jackson's got.

Every morning, I apply

the topical ointment

made of bleach and sulfur.

I like to think it works.

Luckily, I hadn't gotten much

darker in the last few years.

As you can see here, I enjoy

building small shrines

to certain special white people

who are important in my life.

This one here is dedicated

to John Wayne.

Great white man.

Didn't take no sh*t from

n*gg*s, Injuns, nor Mexicans.

And this one here is for

George Bush the first.

Loved him.

Now, this one here

is dedicated

to the most soulful

soul singer to ever live.

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, I work about 32 jobs

over the course of a week.

I think it's interesting

I got 32 jobs

when most n*gg*s say

they can't find one.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, n*gg*s.

And one of the great

pleasures of my day

is taking all these pretty

little white children to school

in the morning.

Hey, there--

Move out of my way, fat boy.

I keep the bus nice

and clean for 'em.

These kids-- Oh, excuse me,

excuse me--

Oh, hello there,

Miss Matheson--

Whatever.

How is my little sunshine?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold it right there.

Hey, man, stop.

Where's the g*n, huh?

Where's the g*n?

Go on, get.

Get. Get out of here.

Go do your little

hyphy-phyphy dances

and n*gga monkey shuffle

somewhere else.

This here bus is for

kids with a future.

That's right. That's right.

Get your lazy asses

some exercise.

Y'all should just

go be rappers.

Get into a beef and then

sh**t each other.

[CACKLES]

Desegregation ruined

the American school system.

When did test scores

across the country drop?

After desegregation.

When did drug use and v*olence

in schools go up?

After desegregation.

There were never no white kids

sh**ting up nothing

before they started going

to school with n*gg*s.

These little angels wouldn't

even know what a g*n was.

[ALL YELLING]

The white man is

a peace-loving man.

People say the key to fixing

the problems of Negroes

is education.

But I say education

is not the answer.

Why bother?

And what do n*gg*s do

in college anyway?

Oh, they go there. They party.

Get drunk for four, five years,

and end up just as ignorant

as when they came in.

You ever seen these n*gga

fraternities and sororities?

You ever seen these things?

Silliest sh*t I ever seen

in my life.

You think Aristotle turned

to Achilles and said:

"Hey, let's create a fraternity

and jump up and down,

barking like dogs"?

Hell no.

White man out there

getting Nobel Prizes

and doing business deals

in the fraternities.

n*gg*s jumping up and down

with candy canes,

and doing all kinds of silly

sh*t with their hands.

People say there's no

difference between the races.

Well, I'll tell you what,

I've been cleaning

bathrooms for a long time.

And I can say...white-man sh*t

just don't smell the same

as black African sh*t.

See, the white man just got

a better liver.

White man eats his meat raw.

See, that's healthier.

He calls it tartare.

Well, how you doing

this fine day?

[SCREAMS]

May I say your dookie smells

like sparkling ice water.

Jesus!

With a twist of lime.

See. That's why he don't have

to wash his hands neither.

Yes, sir. White man

has impeccable hygiene.

Hey, there,

little mulatto girl.

You waiting on

your daddy?

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

Guess she talking about

her daddy, Tom.

He married to a white woman.

Lucky son of a bitch.

There he is.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[BREATHLESSLY]

Sorry I'm late, pumpkin.

[SNICKERS]

Lord have mercy. Tom,

is you wearing a skirt?

This isn't a skirt, Ruckus.

It's a kilt.

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]

It's part of my Scottish

heritage.

Now, you stop that

right now.

That's blasphemy

against Mel Gibson

and the proud

Scottish people.

Mel Gibson isn't Scottish.

Hush your mouth.

The Scottish man

deserves better

than you making a mockery

of his history.

But, Ruckus, I am

part Scottish.

Thirty two point five

percent, actually.

I just found out. I took

one of those tests

where they trace

your DNA

and tell you your exact

ethnic makeup.

It's fun. You should try it.

You 30 percent Scottish?

Black as you is?

[LAUGHING]

I know.

Is this a white

doctor or a darky

that gave you this test?

Mm, not that

it matters,

but, yes,

he was white.

Well, hell,

that's all you had to say.

A white doctor is

99.9 percent reliable.

Black doctor is an oxymoron.

Unless it's a witch doctor.

[SNICKERS]

Well, well, well. Who knows?

Maybe I'll take me

one of them tests.

I mean, why should Alex Haley

be the only person to discover

their roots, you know?

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

I'm-- I'm sorry. Alex what?

You know. Alex Haley. Roots.

What is that,

some kind of gardening show?

You're joking, right?

Roots. You know, Roots.

Uh-- I-- I don't follow you.

Roots. Roots. Roots.

You've never heard

of Roots?

The miniseries?

Come here, honey.

Hold-- Hold on, here.

[CHANTS]

Roots.

I don't know nothing

about what you talking about.

Now, the first thing

you should know about me

is that I have

a case of the revitiligo.

It's the opposite of

what Michael Jackson got.

No, see, I'm not

that kind of doctor.

I'm more of a scientist

or a technician.

We can trace

genetic markers

to different regions

of the world

and know exactly

what your makeup is.

Well, don't let this here

outer shell fool you.

I'm as white

as they come.

My favorite movies are

Gone with the Wind

and Notting Hill.

[♪♪♪]

WEGGIE:

Mistress Lee'vil,

remember when you

asked us

for a way to destroy

the minds of black children

at an even younger age?

Oh, sure.

Well, you'll be happy to know

that I started BET Animation

to do just that.

Splendid. Oh, I love cartoons.

Especially evil ones.

Yeah. Mistress Lee'vil.

We have a kids show coming on

called Super Cyborg

Mandingo Man. Yeah.

We go there.

He's an African warrior.

Yes, yes. Get to

the evil part.

Well, maybe I should just

show you.

We have the pilot.

What's that, the script?

Actually, we spent all our money

on the Vin Diesel show.

Oh, my God,

he's so awesome.

So we got to do this one

with a flip book.

Hm. Well, it certainly

is incompetent.

But we're missing something.

What are we missing, people?

A budget?

Uh, yes, but no.

Talent?

Yes, but no.

A work ethic?

Pride?

Self-respect?

What network do you

work for?

BET.

And what does that

stand for?

Black Entertainment--

No!

Black Evil Television.

It's not enough

that the shows are bad.

They have to be evil as well.

Send in my evil henchmen!

These are my evil henchmen:

Big n*gga and Crazy Bitch.

Big n*gga, Crazy Bitch,

teach this person the meaning

of black and evil.

[BOTH GASP]

Oh no, this mizzle didn't.

No. Mistress

Lee'vil, please.

We'll make it more

evil, I promise.

Oh. Hell, no, this

m*therf*cker gonna--

[SCREAMS]

Weggie, please! Save me!

[SCREAMING]

[HUMS]

[HOWLS]

[SNICKERS]

[SCREAMING]

Ah-- Ah--

LEE'VIL: Mr. Weggie Rudlin.

Ah-- Huh?

This Uncle Ruckus show,

how's it going?

Uh...great. F-fantastic.

Is it evil?

Oh, absolutely.

I hope so, Weggie...

for your sake.

[♪♪♪]

Because if it's

not evil, then,

you know what's gonna happen.

And by "happen," I mean

you'll be k*lled,

or at least

very seriously injured.

So-- So, you know,

just make sure it's evil.

Ah. Here it is.

My test results. Can you hear

my heart b*ating?

Oh, the white-man science

is amazing, ain't it?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no. N--

Th-- This--

This can't be.

It says, I'm 102 percent

African.

With a 2 percent

margin of error.

Why, Lord?

Why, Lord, why?

[CACKLES]

RUCKUS:

I got something

for a fraternity

of n*gg*s:

a fraternity of bananas

up a tree.

[BARKS, CACKLING]

WEGGIE: Bananas.

Black fraternities should have

an African name.

Like Boogie, Boogie.

WEGGIE: Black fraternity.

Boogie, Boogie, Boogie.

Hey, I got a black

fraternity for you:

It's called prison.

Jail-Phi-Jail, n*gga.

You know--

Jail-Phi-Jail.

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. Rudlin,

there's a problem

on the Ruckus sh**t.

MAN:

What's the problem?

He hasn't gotten out of bed

in three days.

He got some bad test results

or something.

[WEGGIE SQUAWKING OVER PHONE]

Yes. Yes.

Yes, I know you went

to Harvard. Yeah.

Okay. He said

just keep filming.

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm black now.

So the first thing I did

was quit all my jobs.

[SIGHS]

I don't know how

I'm supposed to pay the bills.

Probably have to start

selling cr*ck.

Or rapping. Or rapping

about selling cr*ck.

You know, I might not even

have revitiligo.

[SIGHS]

Okay, I'm black.

What am I supposed to do now?

So this is it, huh?

Is this what you do all day?

Sit there

reading books

that make you think better

of yourself, huh?

Black man can't get

nowhere

with his little

pecan-sized mind.

So now you can read.

Now what?

What you gonna do now?

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, uh-huh.

Nothing. That's what

I thought.

You know why?

'Cause we n*gg*s. Both of us.

And that's--

[SOBBING]

And that's all

we ever gonna be.

That's all we ever gonna be.

So this is what

I have to look forward to

as a black man, huh?

Just sitting around,

playing PlayStation

all day.

[GROWLS]

Waiting for the next

Madden to come out.

Maybe I should go out

and put rims...

Oh.

...and all kinds of goofy

sh*t on my truck.

[♪♪♪]

RUCKUS:

Oh, we probably gonna die

any second now

from one of these conditions

and diseases that n*gg*s get.

You name it:

diabetes, gout,

high blood pressure,

asthma, sickle cell--

Oh, Ruckus, stop.

This is all in your damn head.

You the exact same fool

you were last week.

You were black then,

you're black now,

and you're gonna be

black tomorrow.

Ain't nothing wrong

with being black.

If you give it a chance,

you might actually

like it. Mm-hm.

Ruckus, what are

we doing here?

Well, this is what

n*gg*s do, right?

Buy sneakers. Then, maybe later

we'll buy loud stereos

and berate women

in rap lyrics.

Is this the kind of sh*t

you n*gg*s put on your feet

nowadays?

This look like a damn

astronaut shoe.

I'm black. I'm not walking

to the moon.

I'm walking to

the liquor store.

GRANDDAD:

Ruckus, stop. Come on, man.

RUCKUS:

LeBron James. Allen Iverson.

Can I get a shoe named

after a white man, please?

Excuse me. Ahem. Darky

in the zebra shirt.

Could I get a Bruce

Jenner sneaker?

Man, to hell

with this bullshit.

You on your own.

I'm not leaving here

till I get me a shoe

named after a white man.

John Stockton. "p*stol" Pete

Maravich. Anybody.

MAN 1:

I ain't saying I like

the Democrats. I don't.

But they sure as hell don't

know what the f*ck they doin'.

The Republicans? They done

f*cked the country to hell.

MAN 2:

They sure did.

BARBER:

n*gga, just look at Iraq.

President over there

k*lling black folk.

MAN 2:

Mm-hm. They black.

Huh. I wish they'd

send me to Iraq.

I'd tell m*therf*cking Bush

to kiss my black ass.

Now, that's enough.

Time out, Negroes.

Time out.

I can't sit here and let y'all

badmouth my president.

Did any of y'all n*gg*s

hear the president

when he said Iraq was central

to the global w*r on terror?

Or did y'all miss it because

he wasn't speaking in baboon?

[GIBBERS]

Instead of sitting around here

chopping the Brillo

off each other's

heads,

y'all should've take

your black asses to Iraq

and help fight

for our freedom.

A little more off

the sides, please.

Whoa-- Whoa-- Whoa--

Whoa...

[GROWLS]

Damn gorilla t*rrorists.

[♪♪♪]

Just what is going on?

Why have you kidnapped me?

And now, doctor,

we will discuss

your methods of DNA testing.

[CHUCKLES]

No. Please. No!

WEGGIE:

sh*t! Why does this

always happen

when we try to use the g*dd*mn

t*rture machine?!

Can somebody please

get the power back on

so we can use

the t*rture machine?

MAN:

I think someone forgot

to pay the bill, Weggie.

WEGGIE:

Will someone pay

the f*cking bill?!

♪ The dark brown shades

Of my skin ♪

♪ All that color

To my tears ♪

[GROANS]

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ That splash against

My hollow bones ♪

[GRUMBLES]

♪ That rocks my soul ♪

[GRUNTS]

What hath God wrought?

♪ Looking back over

My false dreams ♪

[CRYING]

[MEN GUFFAWING]

MAN: Yeah, yeah. b*at his ass.

Will you n*gg*s please

shut the hell up.

I'm trying to watch

this piece-of-sh*t movie.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS, CRIES]

♪ Somebody tell me

What can I do? ♪

[GRUNTS]

Ruckus, no!

What the hell

are you guys doing?

You were gonna let him

k*ll hisself?

You said just

keep filming, so--

He's the star!

You're gonna let the star

commit su1c1de?

But it's...reality.

I mean--

It's The Uncle

Ruckus Show.

If there's no Uncle Ruckus,

there's no show.

Oh, so from now on,

we're supposed to stop him

if he attempts

to commit su1c1de?

Yes. And I shouldn't

have to tell you that.

[CHOKING]

You should just know it.

Oh, sh*t.

[GAGGING]

Great. That's great.

That's just great.

[COUGHING]

Ah, what's the point?

What's the point in living?

There's nothing to

look forward to.

Just a life of rap music

and 40 ounces.

What I'm supposed to

do now, huh?

Be somebody

baby daddy?

Hang out on the corner

all day and night

sh**ting dice, cops chasing me

all the time.

My body ain't made

to handle a stun g*n.

Ain't got but two or three shows

on TV to identify with.

Ruckus, you make

a very compelling argument.

But I know that you're

gonna get through this.

Ha. Is this what

I'm supposed

to be reading now,

huh, this?

Vibe? The Source? Jet?

You call this

a magazine?

Look at this.

This is a pamphlet.

"Field & Scream."

National Review.

Soldier of Fortune.

Those are magazines.

This is a brochure.

Ebony. They should call

this National Geographic,

except the photos are better.

Essence. Essence of what?

Essence of ugliness.

Ruckus, we have a saying at BET:

"We hate black people."

And I know you share

that same sentiment.

But I've learned how I can

use my blackness

against the black race.

Look at BET.

You think we put

this sh*t on the air

because it's entertaining?

You think we

sit down and say:

"Hey, let's be

entertaining.

How about a Baldwin Hills

reality show?"

I have good taste.

Gregory Hines is entertaining.

Sammy Davis Jr.,

he's entertaining.

You think I can

relate to anything

these young n*gg*s

have to say?

No. We air this sh*t because

we despise our audience.

Are there other ways

to make money?

Yes, of course.

Yes, yes, yes.

But they all require more work.

This is easy.

And the only people who suffer--

The only people

who suffer, Ruckus...

are black children.

I think we both

can live with that.

Weggie Rudlin, you sure

do have profound insights.

But I don't know. I--

I just don't think

I can stand life as a darky.

[DOOR OPENS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Aha! It's you!

You did this to me.

You gave me that test.

Yes, I know.

And I came because

there was a mistake

at the lab.

We had a black intern there

I didn't know about.

He...messed up

your test.

Here are

your actual results.

Well, I'll be.

[MURMURING]

[GASPS]

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

How dare you mistakenly inform

a man of his blackness.

You should be ashamed

to call yourself a white doctor.

I'm...uh, sorry.

See, Ruckus. You were

worried about nothing.

Well, Weggie,

I must say,

for a darky,

you are not

that difficult

to hang around.

Now, you said you learned

all that stuff in Harvard?

Well, I definitely didn't

learn it at one of those

historically

black colleges.

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH CACKLING]

Howard.

Black college.

Morehouse. They ought

to call it Lesshouse.

Oh, it sure feel good

to be white again.

[♪♪♪]

I'll tell you what.

Living even for a few days

as a black man

gave old Uncle Ruckus a whole

new perspective on life.

And a whole lot more sympathy

towards colored folks,

I'll tell you that.

Oh, look what

we have here.

Yo, for real. We not trying

to play with you today, Ruckus.

We're trying to

cross the street.

Well, go right ahead.

You young brothers

have a blessed day.

Assalamu alaikam.

[WHISTLES]

[TRUCK HORN HONKS]

Whoa--! Whoa--! Whoa!

[RUCKUS CACKLING]

[♪♪♪]