01x05 - A Date with the Health Inspector

[bunniefuu]

? I am the stone
The builder refused ?

? I am the visual
The inspiration ?

? That made lady
Sing the blues ?

? I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ?

? The same spark
That lights the dark ?

? So that you can know
Your left from your right ?

? I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ?

? The inner glow
That lets you know ?

? To call your brother sun ?

? The story that just begun ?

? The promise
Of what's to come ?

? And I'm-a remain a soldier ?

? Till the w*r is won ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop ?

[?]

[MAN WHISTLING]

[MEN MOANING]

MAN:
Where's the towel?

[?]

Noooooo!

MAN:
Yeah, baby.

MAN :
You hear something?

[LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[WEEPING]

No.

No, not me.

Soap drop, n*gga.
Huh?

Yeah.

Oh, you think you just gonna
leave it down there?

Huh?

We don't waste
no motherfuckin' soap in here.

I'm- I'm finished.

Naw, naw, n*gga,
you ain't finished.

I been watching you.

You have?

You ain't wash behind
your ears or nothing.

But I did.
See, look at me.

See how I'm all clean
and glistening and sh*t.

That's hygiene, n*gga.

You can call me
the health inspector.

Now, pick up the soap!

MAN:
Be brave, son. Be brave.

I'm next.

[SCREAMS]

SARAH:
Drop the soap again?

HUEY:
Tom DuBois' greatest fear

was being sent to prison
and anally r*ped.

At the tender age of ,
Tom saw a prison movie,

which depicted the violent
a**l raping of a man.

Before then, he didn't know
that men got r*ped in prison.

MAN [ON TV]:
Stop! Ah!

HUEY:
It is true that, statistically speaking,

if a man is to be r*ped,

it'll most likely
occur in prison.

That fact scared straight-laced
Tom even straighter.

[?]

Let's steal some.

But what if we get caught?

We'll get arrested
and anally r*ped.

Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Just smoking a joint.

You want a hit?

Yeah, right.

You guys can go to jail
and get anally r*ped if ya want.

Tom, did you erase
all my MPs?

Hey, file-sharing is a crime,

and I'm not
gonna be anally r*ped,

so you can listen to Usher.

[SIGHS]

You know, Tom,
this whole "a**l r*pe" thing

is really causing both of us
to miss out on a lot in life.

HUEY:
But Tom didn't care what he was missing out on.

Well into adulthood,
Tom still lived his life

around the fear of a**l r*pe.

That fear, perhaps more
than any other factor,

made him the man he is today.

Tom believed in order.

He obeyed every traffic law.

He had never as much
as broken the speed limit.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[HORN HONKING]

You drive like an old bitch!

Tom grew up
to be a criminal prosecutor,

which, ironically enough,
meant his job was to send

many black men to
the very fate he most feared.

For the crime of selling four
bootleg copies of Soul Plane,

the defendant is sentenced
to two weeks imprisonment.

He'll be remanded-
No!

Don't send me to prison!

Please! Please don't
send me to prison!

I don't want
to be anally r*ped!

HUEY:
And Tom knew firsthand that a black man

didn't have to do much
to go to prison.

MAN:
You have the right to remain silent...

Sometimes, he didn't have
to do anything at all.

... in a court
of law.

You have the right
to speak to an attorney

and to have an attorney
present during any questioning.

If you cannot afford...

MAN [ON TV]:
And in other news,

city police
are reporting tonight

that they have arrested
a suspect in connection

with the m*rder
of Antoine Michaels,

a -year-old
who was apparently k*lled

over a game of "Madden ."

The police are not releasing
the name of the suspect,

who is a black male,

approximately
blah, blah, blah-

[STATIC BUZZES]

And so, we are raising
the terror alert level

to intense orange/red
based on very credible,

detailed information
on a non-specific thr*at.

Could it be a hijacking?
Absolutely possible.

Chemical or biological agent?
You bet it could happen.

su1c1de bomber?

Hey, you never know.

But what we do know...
[DOORBELL RINGING]

... is that it's absolutely,
positively gonna happen today.

Maybe.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[?]

t*rrorists have my daddy!

Jazmine, calm down.

t*rrorists kidnapped my father,

and they're gonna cut off
his head in Algeria!

My daddy was supposed to be home
from work before school let out.

And he isn't here!

And we're at terror alert
level orange. Orange!

[?]

Guys, there's gotta be
some kind of mistake.

I didn't do anything.

Oh, we know what you did.

You guys were playing
your little game,

and your friend was
serving up some pipin' hot

ass-whoopings,
wasn't he?

[SOBBING]

Jazmine, just because
your dad is late

coming home from work
doesn't mean that...

[RINGS]

Hello?

Riley, is that you?

Put your brother on,
it's an emergency!

What's the emergency?

I'm in jail.

[LAUGHS]

Don't drop the soap.

HUEY:
Who was that?

[RINGS]

Yeah?

Riley, it's Tom.

I thought you only get
one phone call from jail.

Who's this?

Huey, I got arrested!

They say I fit
the description.

I think it's
'cause I'm black, Huey.

You have to get me
outta here, Huey.

You don't wanna know
what they'll do to me in jail.

They'll r*pe you,
that's what they're gonna do.

But you're not in jail,
you're in holding.

And I don't think people
usually get r*ped in holding.

Hold on.

Granddad! Do people
get r*ped in holding?

[SOBBING]

Stop, stop, stop! I don't
want your granddad to know.

I don't want anybody to know.

Listen, they can't
keep people in holding

over the weekend.

At : tonight,
they're gonna put me on a bus

and send me to real jail.

Real jail!

Earliest I could get out
would be on Monday.

Well, it's just a weekend.

It only takes one night
to get anally r*ped!

Huey, the only way for me
to get out of here

is if you find
the real k*ller tonight.

The real k*ller?
n*gga, I'm .

How am I gonna find
the real k*ller?

[SOBS] Please!

You've gotta try.

All right, all right,
all right!

Damn.

[WEEPING] Thank you, Huey.

Whatever you do...

don't tell my baby, Jazmine.

I don't want her to know

her daddy was somebody's
bi-hi-hi-hi-tch.

[?]

Was that daddy?
Where is he?

Is he okay?

Was he kidnapped
by t*rrorists?

Um, your father wants you
to know he's nobody's bitch.

[SCREAMS]

[REMOTE CLICKS]
[SIRENS ON TV]

HUEY:
I had exactly five hours to find a m*rder*r,

and I couldn't do it alone.

Ed III was heir
to the Wuncler fortune

and a drunken psychopath.

But the dude I was after

had already k*lled
at least one person,

and one thing Ed III had
was firepower.

f*ck it.

I say we go get
the m*therf*cker.

Let's go.

HUEY:
Where we going?

Oh, we gonna need
to holler at my man.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, snap.
Ed Wuncler III.

My man, Gin Rummy.
What's good, baby?

It's all good, man.

I was just making
some breakfast. Come on in.

[?]

Sounds like you got yourself
a fugitive of justice.

I say y'all came
to the right hombre.

Look, we have exactly
hours and minutes

to find the X-Box k*ller.

Can you help us do it?

I'll be dead on his ass
like Spenser: For f*cking Hire.

I'll hunt him down and feed him
his own testicles,

and I'd do it in a jiffy.

And I don't care if his momma
there, his grandmamma,

innocent bystanders,
little kids, babysitters,

bill collectors, whatever.

I'll leave his whole block

filled with hot brass
if I have to.

And you know why?

Because I just don't
give a f*ck!

Y'all sure you don't want
no breakfast?

I got English muffins
and peach jelly.

See? I told you
my boy was gangsta.

Hey, man, put some links
with them grits, Rummy.

sh*t, I'm hungry
as a m*therf*cker.

[?]

You liar!
[SCREAMS]

You k*lled him, didn't you,
you sick bastard?

Hey, hey, hey.

That's enough.
Go cool off.

All right.
Now!

[COP ROARS]

You punk!

Get your ass out!

Move!

[WHIMPERING]

Why are you doing this to me?

You know what this is, man?
It's f*cking racism, man.

You were at the wrong place
at the wrong time,

and you just happened
to fit the description.

Now, if you admit
you k*lled him...

I didn't k*ll anyone!

Look, even if you didn't
k*ll him,

just admit
that you k*lled him.

I promise you
you won't go to jail.

Smack on the wrist,
I promise you.

Wait, stop. You can't
be serious. I'm a prosecutor.

I'm never gonna fall
for this.

[SOBBING]

So you say that if I confess,
I won't go to jail?

I give you my word.

No a**l r*pe?

No a**l r*pe.

[?]

So y'all was
in Iraq together?

Yeah, we was in Iraq.

What did you do?

We was looking for weapons
of mass destruction.

Did you ever find 'em?

You know g*dd*mn well
we ain't find 'em!

What are you?
Some political humorist?

You Garry Trudeau
up in this bitch?

I was looking for b*tches,

but they had carpet sh*t
all over 'em,

and I couldn't see
what they looked like.

All that was really exposed
was the eyes,

and that wasn't enough for me.

sh*t, I'm looking at the eyes,
the eyes could be pretty.

And I take their carpet off,
and then I got a tragedy.

Well, no, we ain't find 'em.

But I always say,
"The absence of evidence

is not the evidence
of absence. "

HUEY:
What?

Simply because
you don't have evidence

that something does exist

does not mean that you
have evidence

that something doesn't exist.

What?

What country you from?
What?

"What" ain't no country
I ever heard of.

They speak English in "What"?

What?

English, m*therf*cker,
do you speak it?!

Yeah.

So you understand
the words I'm sayin' to you?

Yeah.

Well, what I'm sayin',
is that there are "known" knowns

and that there are
known unknowns.

But there's also
"unknown" unknowns,

things we don't know
that we don't know.

What?

Say "what" again.
Say "what" again!

I dare you!

I double dare you,
m*therf*cker!

Say "what" one more time.

HUEY:
Well, this is the apartment building where it all happened.

Maybe someone saw something.

Oh, somebody saw something,
all right.

Hey, slow down.
We gotta be tactful.

Tactful?
What that mean?

He talkin' about diplomacy.

[CLICKS]

I don't do diplomacy.

[?]

ED III:
Key-yah!

RUMMY:
X- Box k*ller, talk!

ED:
You better start talkin' or I'm a...

[WHIMPERING]

MAN:
These n*gg*s are crazy, yo!

[g*n CLICKS]

I didn't do nothing!

I didn't do nothing!

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

Work him out, work him out,
work him out!

You better start talki'’
before I'm a...

MAN:
Hey, what'd he do to you? Leave him alone.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, n*gga, run it.
Run your sh*t!

[LAUGHS]

[GROANS]

Ain't nobody seen nothin'.

I know who did the k*lling.
I've known for minutes!

Guy's name is Terrel Jackson.

He's been bragging
about it all day.

Everybody knows!
He lives five minutes away.

I've got MapQuest directions
right here.

How'd you find all this out?

We talked to people!

I got a picture.

RUMMY:
Where you get this?

I drew it from the description
of the dude that they gave us

while y'all was whoopin'
n*gg*s' asses in the street.

I almost had time
to color it.

sh*t. Good work.
Let's go.

Okay, take a right here,

and it's a left
at the third light.

Where you going?
You were supposed to turn right.

I'm thirsty.
You thirsty?

I could use a tasty beverage.

There's a Mini Mart
at the gas station

right up the street.

We're down the street
from the k*ller,

and you wanna stop
and go get snacks?

Relax. We stop, get this drink,
then go get the k*ller. Simple.

We gonna get something to drink.
It ain't gonna take long.

We're right down the street.
We know where he is!

Chill, we just making
a little detour.

Relax. What could go wrong?

Hm.

[?]

[FESTIVE MIDDLE-EASTERN MUSIC
PLAYING]

Watch my back,
I got your front.

Ed, Rummy,
my close friends and allies.

It is good to see you.

Go put that in the truck.

CASHIER: Hey, slow your roll, chief.
You guys have to pay first.

Damn! Chill out,
Aladdin Hussein.

You know I'm good for it.

Hey, guys, you know the rules.
No exceptions, cash only.

Look, he got a w*apon.

RUMMY:
Whoa, wait a minute, now.

Put the g*n down!

g*n? What g*n?
I'm not holding g*n.

Guys, it's me, Ed. Your father
helped me build this store!

I don't know you,
m*therf*cker!

Now, put down the w*apon!
Put it down!

There is no w*apon. Look.

Drop the w*apon!

I- I don't see a w*apon.

There is no w*apon!
They're robbing the store!

I am not holding a w*apon!
I am not holding a w*apon!

Officer, this m*therf*cker
got a g*n pointed at you.

You wanna die?
But...

Do you wanna die?!

I- I don't want to die!

He does not have a g*n.

He does have a g*n, officer.
Trust me.

The absence of evidence is
not the evidence of absence.

I don't see a g*n!

Man, f*ck this sh*t.
Whose side you on?

Mine or this m*therf*cker,

who's obviously
of t*rror1st descent?

Wait, I think
I can see the g*n now.

Good. Now, we all
see the w*apon.

Now, you hand over that w*apon
on the count of three,

or I swear to Almighty God,
I'll blow your f*ckin' head off!

One!

I can't give you a w*apon
I'm not holding!

You're thinking of the Korean
shop north of here!

Two!
Is he... still holding it?

He is not holding a w*apon!
Time's up!

[?]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

Ha, ha, ha! Ah!

I didn't think they'd
actually sh**t back at us.

Well, of course,
they're sh**ting back at us,

you're robbing their store.

You can't assume that people
are gonna sh**t back at you.

It was an "unknown" unknown.

Need I remind you that
this has nothing to do

with our original plan?

Damn it, Huey,
robbery etiquette says you can't

criticize a robbery plan
during a actual robbery.

You have to wait
till the robbery's over.

Yo, officer,
wh-wha-whatever your name is.

My name's Frank.

Okay, Fred. Whatever.

I want you to know
you are not going to die.

In vain.

I don't think I'm dying.

Oh.

Well, I want you to know

you wasn't
mortally wounded... in vain.

Actually, I think
I'm gonna make it.

You hear that,
you sweaty bastards?

Freddy ain't dead.

Freddy say,
"Bring it on, bitch. "

Bring it!

[SCREAMING]

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

HUEY:
Today we all came face to face with our worst fears.

And sometimes there's no
such thing as a happy ending.

MAN [ON TV]:
And there seems to be a g*n battle

with t*rrorists
right behind me as we speak.

GUARD:
Thomas DuBois?

It's time.

[?]

Is that the bus
that's gonna take me

to real butt-pounding jail?

No bus.
You're free to go.

HUEY:
The X-Box k*ller struck again,

less than an hour
after we got to the Mini Mart.

If we had gone straight
to his house,

we could have prevented it.

But at least Tom seemed
to have dodged a b*llet.

[SIRENS WAILING]

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

[FRED GROANING]

What the f*ck
y'all looking at?

MAN:
All right!

MAN :
Go U.S.A!

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

MAN :
All right, come on! All right!

MAN :
Come on, everybody, come on!

MAN:
All right, yeah! Way to go!

MAN : Go U.S.A.
MAN : All right!

MAN :
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

MAN:
Go U.S.A.!

MAN : Woo-hoo!
MAN : All right!

[?]

[?]