? I am the stone
The builder refused ?
? I am the visual
The inspiration ?
? That made lady
Sing the blues ?
? I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ?
? The same spark
That lights the dark ?
? So that you can know
Your left from your right ?
? I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ?
? The inner glow
That lets you know ?
? To call your brother sun ?
? The story that just begun ?
? The promise
Of what's to come ?
? And I'm a remain a soldier ?
? Till the w*r is won ?
? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?
? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?
? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?
? Chop, chop, chop ?
MAN:
Okay.
So tell us a little bit
about yourself.
I'm the founder of different
radical leftist organizations,
including the Africans Fighting
Racism and Oppression,
or AFRO, if you will,
uh, the Black Revolutionary
Organization, or BRO,
uh...
Yeah, sure.
People tell me.
I look like
Bill Cosby all the time...
I mean, excuse me...
Dr. Bill Cosby.
Especially when I wear
these sunglasses.
Yeah. Yeah,
my name is Riley, son.
But, you know, n*gg*s call me
a. K.a. Riley Escobar.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause I be in the streets,
you know?
I got all kinds of names,
like H.R. Paperstacks,
uh, also known as,
a. K.a. Horse Choker.
Uh...
And also the Black Revolutionary
Underground Heroes.
MAN:
Um...
BRUH?
Yeah, BRUH.
A.k. a. Pillsbury Doughboy.
A.k. a. Louis Rich.
MAN:
Like the turkey bacon?
Yeah, like the-
What?
So like I was saying,
I've always believed
that Cosbyness
is next to godliness.
So my granddad's wearing
his Bill Cosby shades,
and I'm like,
"This n*gga look blind. "
And then I thought,
"Boom, I got an idea.
I know how we can get
this money. "
And I made a tape.
[BEEPS]
Dear Xzibit,
my name is Riley Freeman.
If my granddad
has one weakness,
it's b*tches.
He's been a lonely man
ever since he had
a bleach fight
with his first wife
and went blind.
[GROANING]
All he's got in this world
is his car, Dorothy.
The car's in pretty bad shape.
And everyone knows
that b*tches don't really check
for n*gg*s with b*at-up cars.
I'm Robert Freeman's driver.
And I'm tired of driving
this piece-of-sh*t car he got.
Give him somethin' better.
But maybe if he had a nicer car,
he might be able to get a date,
and not have to pay for it.
[SOBBING QUIETLY]
Please, Xzibit.
Oh, hold up, hold up.
[BEEPS]
[SOBS]
Please, Xzibit, pimp my ride.
For my grandfather.
For /.
[SOBS]
For America.
What's up, y'all?
This X-to-the-Z, Xzibit,
and we here at the house
of Riley Freeman.
And we about to pimp
his grandfather's car, Dorothy.
As you can see,
Dorothy is way past her prime.
I mean, look at the paint job.
This car look like
it need some lotion.
[RINGS DOORBELL]
Oh, snap.
It's Xzibit.
Yeah, n*gga, yeah.
What up, homey?
I'm here to pimp your ride.
GRANDDAD: Who the hell
is that at the door?
Shh.
Come here. Hurry up.
Stay down.
Yo. Why are we hiding?
Are you kidding?
If he comes out here
and finds
his favorite rapper, Xzibit,
fixing to pimp his ride,
he'll have a heart att*ck.
For real?
I'm his favorite rapper?
Man loves your whole catalog.
But now y'all gotta
get the hell
up out of here
before he finds you.
And I want some,
uh, -inch rims,
and, uh, uh-
And I want five televisions.
And I want a toilet seat
in the trunk.
Hey, man, we just doing...
Get the hell out of here!
You ain't stealing
my-!
Hey, man!
Hey, hold on! Hey!
Get out!
Stop, Granddad! Stop!
[CAMERAMAN SCREAMING]
Stop, Granddad!
XZIBIT: Yo, just-!
Come on, man!
[CAMERAMAN SCREAMING] g*dd*mn.
[XZIBIT CHUCKLING]
Dude, you got f*cked up
by that old-ass man.
[?]
[SCREAMING]
Oh, look at the wheels.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my goodness.
See, you too could have
a TV in the steering wheel.
Boy, Dorothy isn't just a car.
I've loved and cared
for that vehicle for years.
You think I'm let
some damn rapper
put a goldfish
in the dashboard?
Ho's love goldfish, Granddad.
You two need your own sitcom.
All you gotta do is get
on TV with a sob story,
and people give you
free stuff.
I still ain't gonna lie
to nobody.
If there's one thing
that I can't stand,
it's lying.
I'm a Christian man.
You ain't gots to lie.
I'll lie.
Just play along.
They gonna fix my transmission?
[?]
Gentlemen,
I'm sorry
about the misunderstanding.
And, now,
w-w-where's that boy?
What's his name?
Inhibit?
The whole catalog, huh?
GRANDDAD: Now, y'all gonna
fix my transmission, right?
The tooth fairy
will be coming soon.
The tooth fairy?
Yep.
Every time I lose a tooth,
the tooth fairy takes it away
and leaves a dollar
under my pillow.
There ain't no such thing
as the tooth fairy.
Then who's leaving the money?
Probably your parents.
They have both the cash
and the access to your room.
Why would they lie to me?
Because the truth hurts,
Jazmine.
The world is a hard
and lonely place,
and nobody gets anything
for free.
And you wanna know what else?
One day, you and everyone
you know is gonna die.
[?]
[SOBBING]
MAN:
You enjoy
abusing people's illusions.
I respect that.
It's thankless work.
Do you like my sunglasses?
I wear sunglasses
because my idol, Dr. Bill Cosby,
wears sunglasses all the time.
And you know what they say:
"Cosbyness is
next to godliness. "
Who are you?
Nobody, really.
Just thought you might
wanna talk
to someone who understands.
You don't know me.
I know you better
than you think, Huey Freeman.
[?]
GRANDDAD: It's not that I
don't believe you, Huey.
It's that I don't believe you,
and I'm not interested.
But, Granddad,
I am being followed
by a secret government agent.
Ain't nobody following you.
You just want attention.
I bet Xzibit's gonna put, like,
-inch rims
on the car.
Thirty inches?
Is that big?
He knew stuff about us,
like...
Like- Like the stupid
Bill Cosby sunglasses thing.
Well, these stupid sunglasses
got us a new car.
So you say the car stops
and the wheels keep spinning?
That's amazing.
All I'm saying is, when Xzibit
brings that car back,
you gonna be b*tches.
What did you call me?
No, no. I mean,
b*tches, like...
Like you gonna have
so many b*tches,
that's what n*gg*s
is gonna call you.
No disrespect.
No disrespect?
You just called
your grandfather "b*tches. "
Yeah, but I don't mean "b*tches"
in a disrespectful way.
I mean it as
a general word for women.
And you gonna let him
get away with that?
It's okay...
just this once.
Granddad, I'm just saying...
you might have to change
your middle name
from Jebediah to b*tches.
It's all I'm trying to say.
No disrespect.
Hm. Granddad b*tches Freeman.
Hoo.
Got a nice ring to it.
Shh.
[WHISPERS] Did you hear that?
What? What is it?
I don't hear anything.
Shh. It's Huey's
make-believe
government agent.
In our bathroom,
taking a dump.
[GRUNTS]
This n*gga
got imaginary friends.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Man.
Good morning, Freeman family.
What in the hell?
Mr. Freeman,
I know you can't see us
because you're blind,
but we're from
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
And we're gonna build
a new wing onto your house.
Brought to you by Sears.
MAN:
Cut.
Okay, let's do it again,
people.
And get a reverse angle
from inside the house.
[MURMURING]
WOMAN: Come on.
The cameras are rolling,
so everyone should smile.
WOMAN: Okay, guys, out with
the old, in with the new.
Let's go.
Granddad, you do realize
these people are gonna
destroy the house, right?
They gonna make the house,
like, five times bigger.
More room for b*tches.
What's the catch?
Just keep pretending you blind.
That's it?
That's it.
Oh, and, um...
I, uh, might have...
I maybe, uh,
might have told 'em
you was running
a homeless shelter
out of here.
WOMAN: We have to work together.
We're running out of time.
I had to tell 'em somethin'.
WOMAN: Watch your b-
People, that's not...
It's not like we don't have
a big-ass house already.
Don't trip. We'll just find
some people to act homeless.
By the way, I told 'em
to put in a grotto.
A grotto?
Yeah. Like
Hugh Hefner got.
Nobody got b*tches
like Hugh Hefner, right?
[CHUCKLES]
You ain't never lied
about that.
[CHUCKLES]
[?]
Whee! I'm pretty!
[ALL GIGGLING]
GIRL: You are too much.
GIRL : Funny.
[GIRLS GIGGLE]
Yeah, just call me Big Daddy.
You know, that's what the girls
call me, Big Daddy.
Thank you.
That's great.
Big Daddy.
GRANDDAD:
Yeah. Mm.
Bacon?
Don't mind if I do.
[GIGGLES]
Naked cutie-pie.
[GIRL GIGGLES]
GRANDDAD:
And then I said:
"Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
Thank you. "
Mr. Freeman, you have
an amazing grotto.
Please, Mr. Hefner,
call me b*tches.
WOMAN:
Okay, Mr. b*tches...
Uh...
The homeless people
are needed in Makeup.
Huh?
The homeless people.
This is a homeless shelter,
right?
We assumed there'd be
homeless people.
Uh...
If they was here
all the time,
they wouldn't be homeless,
would they?
It's a shelter, not a prison.
[HUFFS]
b*at it.
Little bastard.
Uh, excuse me... b*tches?
Uh, I've actually seen
this show.
They're gonna
demolish the house.
Hello?
Do you hear me?
Come on. Let's find
some homeless people.
WOMAN:
Don't worry about pillows.
He's f*cking blind, okay?
[?]
Go away. b*at it.
Shoo.
Hey, there, Huey.
I found this little
"homeless" girl.
And I know how
your grandfather loves
to take care
of homeless people.
What the hell
are you doing here?
Your brother called.
Said if I bring Jazmine over,
I could sing on the show.
Hi, I'm Tom.
I live across the street.
I'm a lawyer by day, but...
Whoa. Whoa,
up here.
Ha-ha,
there you go.
So... like I was saying,
my true passion is singing.
? A heart is a house?
? Of love?
WOMAN: You know,
I've really had it
with this f*gg*t designer
over here
who's trying to make pillows.
Okay, let's just leave
everything...
MAN:
I tell you what...
If your granddad
has one weakness...
it's b*tches.
Of course,
they're my weakness too.
What do you want with me?
It's complicated, Huey.
Uh...
I'm a secret agent sent
to spy on you.
Okay. Maybe it's not
that complicated.
WOMAN: If this house
is not done in...
Do spies normally
introduce themselves
to people they spy on?
What spy school
did you go to?
Ah. I'm too old
to be sneaking around.
Excuse us.
Coming through.
What if I tell someone
right now?
You tried that earlier,
in the kitchen, remember?
By the way,
I wasn't really
in the bathroom taking a dump,
but, man...
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, that brother of yours
is a hoot.
And your grandfather...
Those two need
their own sitcom.
Leave me alone.
Look...
just because my job is
to watch your every move
and eavesdrop
on every telephone call,
and monitor
your every e-mail,
doesn't mean
we can't be friends.
Excuse me.
Did you notice me talking
to someone a second ago
right here, dressed like y'all?
Wasn't really lookin'.
Sorry.
MAN: Where are we puttin'
the fried chicken dispenser?
I mean, everything we see is
a false reality.
It's like Big Brother,
The Matrix,
whatever you wanna call it.
While we're watching each other,
they're watching us.
All the time.
Some of you may be wondering
why we're renovating
the Freeman house
when it's already so big.
Well, it turns out that Robert
Freeman, who is blind,
has run a homeless shelter
out of his house for years.
Yes, sir, I been living
with the Freemans
for three months now.
They the cleanest colored folks
you ever did see.
Mm, my mother, um...
used cr*ck?
She used cr*ck,
she left me in a dumpster.
And you should give Riley
a movie theater.
[GIGGLES]
Excuse me,
Mr. b*tches.
We have some release
paperwork for you to sign.
Hold on.
Let me read it first.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, good one.
Good one.
Now,
just sign here.
And there.
Great.
Ha-ha-ha, excellent,
excellent.
Thanks. Word.
Whoa.
Whoa.
MAN:
Wow. Whoo.
JAZMINE:
Hi, Huey.
What's the matter?
You wouldn't understand.
I'm being shadowed
by a secret agent.
Really? Who?
Where is he?
I don't know.
Kinda just pops up
out of nowhere
and then disappears.
You mean,
like the tooth fairy?
No, I don't mean
like the tooth fairy.
Sounds like
the tooth fairy to me.
You can believe
in secret agents,
and I can't believe
in the tooth fairy?
That's messed up, Huey.
Go eat something
out of a dumpster,
you street urchin.
[?]
WOMAN:
It doesn't have to last!
Don't use nails then!
Use glue! I don't care!
[RAP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]
WOMAN: Just get it done!
We are running out of time.
HUEY: What the-?
This is some bullshit.
Man.
Oh!
What-?
Man, what's-? Ugh.
What-?
Ugh.
I should never have let you
talk me into this.
First, you let Noxema
take my car away.
Now these white people
are destroying my house.
[CRASH, MAN SCREAMS]
Granddad, all we gotta do
is keep up the act.
We gonna have a new car
and a new...
house.
All because we didn't
listen to Huey.
MAN: Excuse me, uh, Mr.
b*tches.
I think your car
just showed up.
[IN UNISON] Dorothy.
XZIBIT:
When we first saw Dorothy,
the only thing that worked
was the off switch.
That car was so old
it ran on unleaded coal.
But take a look
at the new Dorothy.
[?]
Yo, man!
Oh, my Lord, have mercy!
Check it out. Look at the rim.
I can't believe it.
Look at the paint job.
Oh, that's my color too.
Oh, give me a hug.
Man, Grandpa bad too.
Huey gotta ride in the back.
Look at that. No, no, no, no.
GRANDDAD: Look at the seats.
Pimping, pimping hot.
Oh, I'm gonna start pimping.
I'm gonna do something.
I'm gonna do something.
Oh, look at them seats.
Oh, I can't wait to get me
a little cutie-pie in here.
Oh, my Lord, have mercy.
Oh, skanks!
I can't believe it.
They're bad!
Dorothy! Dorothy!
Whoa!
You're so beautiful.
All right, all right.
Granddad, Granddad,
let's roll out right now.
MAN: Hey, I don't know
what the hell is going on?
GRANDDAD: What's making
the rims keep spinning?
[WHISPERS] Granddad, you're
supposed to be blind.
Oh, yeah.
MAN: sh*t, man.
MAN :
What the hell?
He's not blind.
[WORKERS CHATTERING]
I was like,
"Man, Granddad done f*cked it up
for everybody. "
Oh, sh*t. Is he gonna
hear me say f*ck?
Yeah, I messed it up.
Teach that boy a lesson.
Trying to rip off the TV show.
What I know about acting blind?
Ah, man.
This is like
when Rerun got caught
bootlegging
the Doobie Brothers concert
on What's Happening!
Oh, yeah. Isn't that the one
where he's dancing
and that big-ass
tape recorder
falls out of his coat?
Yeah.
? Bum-tum-bum
Bum-bum?
? I can see clearly now
The rain has gone?
? Bum-tum-bum
Bum-bum?
? Bum-tum-bum
Bum-bum?
? I can see all obstacles
In my way-?
[DOG BARKS]
MAN: I love that song.
MAN : Is he gay?
MAN :
I don't know what the hell...
MAN : What the hell's
going on with this guy?
MAN :
This is getting way too weird.
GRANDDAD: Gentlemen, don't leave.
Gentlemen.
Come on, what about my house?
It's not my fault.
The boy...
I shouldn't have
listened to the boy...
I knew that n*gga wasn't blind
the whole time.
This soup tastes
like horse piss.
GRANDDAD:
Hey, wait a minute.
[?]
Pff! I can't believe
you're not blind, man.
Not Dorothy.
Please!
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]
You did this to me.
Riley, this your fault.
Dorothy!
Don't go, Dorothy!
MAN: Don't forget to get
the watermelon patch.
GRANDDAD:
Please listen to me.
Somebody listen to me
before I kick your ass...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Yo, anybody home?
You know you can see us.
Fellas, we thought
about it, and...
Well, here's
your car back, man.
Thank you.
Thank you, Eczema.
Thank you.
Yeah. We kinda felt bad
for you guys.
Besides, our lawyers told us
we couldn't keep the car.
Good-looking, my n*gga.
My man, Ex-convict.
I always said you were
my favorite rapper.
I messes with Xzibit.
We'll just charge y'all
for all the work we did on it:
$,..
[?]
You Indian-giving-ass n*gga.
I hate you rappers,
with your bebop, bebop.
Why don't you exit
out of my face, Exhibition.
I do not mess with Xzibit.
Bastard.
All right, here's
the invoice.
And take your time with that.
Looks like money gonna be
tight around here
for a minute.
[LAUGHS]
She does look nice.
All things considered,
I say we came out ahead.
[GROWLING]
Uh-oh.
Come here!
[?]
I've come up
with a name for you:
The White Shadow.
Hm.
I'm white, I'm shadowing you.
It's very clever.
And I've decided
that you're a figment
of my overactive imagination.
Now who's hiding
from reality?
Just because
you're paranoid, Huey,
doesn't mean
we're not out to get you.
If you are real,
why me?
Oh, come on.
You underestimate yourself.
It's a shame what happened
to the house.
You warned them.
They wouldn't listen to me.
They never listen to me.
I know you wanna save
the world, Huey,
but sometimes people have
to learn lessons
on their own.
The hard way.
Well, can't miss the Idol.
If you ever wanna talk,
remember...
I'm always listening.
? Da-da
Da-da-da-da...?
HUEY [NARRATING]:
Obi-Wan Kenobi said:
"Your eyes can deceive you.
Don't trust them. "
It seems to be getting harder
distinguishing reality
from the illusions
people make for us.
Or from the ones
we make for ourselves.
I don't know.
Maybe that's part of the plan:
To make me think I'm crazy.
It's working.
Anybody wanna drink
out the fridge?
Or an espresso?
RILEY: Good night, Granddad.
I'll good your night.
Good night, Huey.
Good night, Riley.
RILEY: Good night, Huey's
imaginary secret-agent friend.
[SNICKERS]
Granddad,
Huey's imaginary friend
tried to touch me
in a private place.
[LAUGHS]
[HUEY SIGHS]
[?]
01x06 - The Story of Gangstalicious
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Adventures of two boys, Riley and Huey Freeman, who undergo a culture clash when they move from Chicago to the suburbs to live with their grandfather.
Adventures of two boys, Riley and Huey Freeman, who undergo a culture clash when they move from Chicago to the suburbs to live with their grandfather.