01x10 - The Itis

[bunniefuu]

GRANDDAD:

Mmm.

Riley, get the door.

Granddad, is this the broccoli
I bought at the store today?

Yep, I cooked it
up for you.

Oh, you cooked it
with the ham!

It's pork-flavored broccoli.

Granddad, there's more pork
in the pork-flavored broccoli

than there is broccoli.

We talked about this.

Vegetables cooked with pork...
counts as pork.

TOM:
Hey.

Do I smell
pork-flavored broccoli?

Hey, everyone. Mwah.

I brought peach cobbler.

Ewwww.

Miss Dubois,

your peach cobbler
look like throw up.

GRANDDAD:
Boy!

It do! Look!

It look like throw up
with peas in it.

Miss Dubois,
you been eatin' peas?

Boy, what is
wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with her?

She the one who brought vomit

over here in
a Tupperware container.

That is not vomit!

It just look like vomit.

Now apologize
to Miss Dubois.

Um, i-it-- It's okay.

Really.

Fine.

Miss Dubois, I'm sorry

your peach cobbler
look like vomit with peas.

Damn it, boy!

Guys, please.
We don't have to--

I don't care
if you b*at me, Granddad.

I won't eat it!

That is disgustin'!

It's completely
uncalled for!

GRANDDAD: You'll eat it

if I have to shove it
down your throat!

Really, I didn't mean
for it to be--

I-I know what
you tryin' to do!

You tryin' to k*ll me!

I hate you!

You are gonna eat
that cobbler!

And you're gonna act
like you like it!

RILEY:
I don't wanna eat

the cobbler!

Best meal I've had
in years, Robert.

What's this called?

I call it Granddad's
pork swine delight.

It consists of two pig knuckles
glazed in honey.

Pig tongue marinated
in butter for two days.

Chitlins--

That's pig intestines

for y'all that don't know.

--soaked in hot sauce,

drizzled with mayonnaise,

and then set to harden

on my back porch

in pounds of cheddar cheese.

Mommy?

I'm sleepy.

Oh, don't worry about that,
little baby.

That's just "the itis."

The what?

The itis.

That's what you call it

when you get sleepy
after a big meal.

The itis?

You know, Robert,

I own a little health food spot
near Meadowlark Park.

Great location,

but the food tastes like
hot armpit on wheat bread.

I've been thinking
about making a change.

You interested?

My own restaurant.

Mm-hm.

Uh...

That's a great idea, Robert.

You know what's even
a better idea is

a lounge singer.

I sing, Robert.

I could...

I could sing to the people
while they--

RILEY:
It should have beds

instead of tables--

--so after people eat,

they could just pass out.

Good idea.

We should get together
tomorrow and talk.

My own r-restra...

Huey, you handle the dishes.

WUNCLER:
I'm telling you, Robert,

this is the best location
in Woodcrest.

I own all the businesses
on this block.

Everything except
Meadowlark Memorial Park.

I've been trying to buy
that park for years,

but the state is trying
to buttfuck me on the price.

But we'll see
who buttfucks who.

Wow.

I didn't know
Meadowlark Lemon d*ed.

Who's Meadowlark Lemon?

I found that the whole
health-food thing

attracts the wrong kind
of crowd.

Hello, Mr. Wuncler.

Hello.

Cutie pie, hello.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Would you like to sign
our petition to get

more humane treatment
for immigrant workers?

If you don't get
that bullshit

out of my face, bitch...

Chico, take an order.

Ah, sí, señor.

Seventeen pigs,

pounds of butter,

one and a half tons
of grease.

Sound like a good start?

Mm-hm.

I need to be thinking urban.

More n*gro.

The black thing.

That's what's happening
now with the kids.

Mm-hm.

Eh.

Everyone,
listen up.

I'd like to introduce you
to my new partner,

Robert Free-man.

We're going to be opening
a soul-food restaurant together.

MAN: Hey, all right.
MAN : Oh, soul food!

Okay, so...

you...are all fired.

ALL:
Ooh.

WUNCLER:
Everyone else,

I hate your kind.

Never come back.

Congratulations, Robert.
This is gonna be great.

Uh, Señor Wuncler.
Are we fired too?

Not the Mexicans.

I'm half Mexican.

WUNCLER:
Not the illegal Mexicans.

ILLEGAL MEXICANS: ¡Olé!

GRANDDAD:
Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

I present to you
"The Luther."

A full-pound burger patty
covered in cheese,

grilled onion,
five strips of bacon,

all sandwiched between--

Two doughnuts!

Two Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

It's called the Luther

because it was supposed
to have been invented

by Mr. Luther Vandross himself.

Luther Vandross
is dead.

And? What's your point?

Hm?

Is this one
of your menus?

Sausage and waffle
and fried chicken

breakfast lasagna?

Yep.

Bacon-wrapped
chitlin-stuffed catfish?

Granddad, you can't serve
this kind of food to people.

It'll cause...death.

Whoa.

This is what cr*ck
must feel like.

Shame on you, Huey.

Move out to the suburbs,

and suddenly you too good
for soul food.

Perhaps you would enjoy
a spot of cheese

and a buttered scone,
white boy.

Boy? Boy, are you okay?

I'm sure it's
just the itis, right?

That or insulin shock.

Do CPR.

Riley, wake up!

Yeah, I'm not sure
yellin' at him

is gonna help, Granddad.

How do you not know CPR?

I tried to learn CPR,

but they wouldn't let me.

'Cause I was black.

What?

Nowadays, y'all run around
and learn CPR

whenever y'all want to.

Just go around
savin' lives,

resuscitatin' each other
willy-nilly.

But when I was a young man,

it used to be against the law

to teach colored folks CPR,
okay?

Man, that's not true!

Granddad...

is that you?

Oh, boy,

I thought we lost you
there for a second.

How was the Luther?

Best...thing...ever.

Sounds like an endorsement
to me.

Now, look at y'all.
Just purty as a couple can be.

How many in your party?

Just us.

And how long of a nap

will you be takin'?

Well, we were thinking
maybe minutes.

That's just great.

Head on in.

MAN:
Tonight is pork-produced sushi.

Hold on to your wasabi

as we take you
to a super-exclusive

grand opening of The Itis!

A new place to see
or be seen in Woodcrest.

With the maître d'

who might be causing
all the ruckus,

Uncle Ruckus.

En français, my good man.

That's Uncle "Rue-kue."

It's French.

I'm part French
and Cherokee Indian,

with just a splish-splash
of Irish.

I-I know Irish.

Sometimes I drink Hennessy,
and I make booty calls!

All right, Rue-Kue.

What's Robert Freeman's secret?

Well, let me just say
this here.

If there's one thing that
a colored man is good at,

it's cookin' a pig.

There you have it--

That ain't to say
a white man

couldn't cook a pig better.

His big brain just focused
on more important things,

like runnin' the world
and spaceships.

Ladies and gentlemen,

oh, you're such
a wonderful crowd.

My name is Tommy D,
hip-hop lounge singer,

and I'll be providing

your listening pleasure
this evening.

And right now,
I'd like to slow it on down

with my main man, Biz Markie.

With your mouth, Biz

With your mouth, Biz

HUEY:
Excuse me, brother.

Mind if I have a word
with you

about some of the so-called

"food" you're servin'
this evenin'?

TOM:

And here's the man himself.

Robert, these two ladies
wanted to meet

the man behind The Itis.

Well!

Hello there, cutie pie.

Hi.

My name is Janet,

and I just can't begin
to tell you

how fantastic your food is.

GRANDDAD:
Oh.

Thank you, kindly.

With your...

Biz.

Yeah.

Listen, I don't want
to keep you,

but I'm sure that you will be
seeing a lot more of me.

b*tches love free food,
Robert.

MAN:
Oh, my God!

GRANDDAD:
Hey, where you goin'?

Bed four needs more bacon.

What did you tell him?
What's behind your back?

Elijah Muhammad's
"How to Eat to Live."

I knew it!

Just what joy do you get

out of trying to crush
all of my dreams, Huey?

Do you know how long
I've wanted

to own my own restaurant?

Three weeks, at Sunday dinner.

That was the first time
you mentioned it,

and you only started doin'
the stupid Sunday dinner thing

because you saw Soul Food on cable.

HUEY: We're gonna pause this

for the benefit of all y'all who never saw Soul Food.

Soul Food is a movie

about a big, humongous black grandmother,

aptly named Big Mama.

Big Mama demonstrates her love

by feeding herself and her offspring

enormous amounts of pig lard.

Then--

Get this.

--Big Mama's arteries are so clogged,

they gotta amputate her arm.

GRANDDAD: It was her leg!

HUEY: Right. Okay, whatever. Leg.

Then she dies of a heart att*ck.

Or another stroke or somethin'.

MAN:
God called her home.

HUEY: And what does the family do

after she dies?

They get together for a Sunday dinner

and eat the same food that just k*lled Big Mama.

The same food!

They didn't learn a lesson. Nobody went on a diet.

And that's the end of the movie.

Sunday dinners was my idea.
They got that from me.

Something wrong?

Look, Ed,

I'm sorry.

We just lost a waiter,
a-and...

Robert, relax.

Look around.

Well, I still have
to replace that waiter.

Ugh.

Wha--

HUEY: What people soon discovered

was that Granddad's food was as addictive as it was tasty.

The restaurant was booked solid around the clock.

People started to show up late for work.

Others stopped going to work altogether.

Jobs were lost.

The Itis addicts who couldn't afford the beds

moved into Meadowlark Park.

Without jobs,

they turned to crime to feed their habit.

A month after The Itis opened,

Meadowlark Park had its first mugging.

No, no!

Stop! Stop!
Give me that!

Hello?

?

I've been mugged!

It took hours for the police to arrive.

This was officially a bad neighborhood.

Ow!

You bitch!

Oh, you--

Stay away
from my food!

GRANDDAD:
Whoa, whoa! Hey!

Don't damage
the floor!

WOMAN:
Hey, Granddaddy,

it's me,

Hey!
Janet.

We met on opening night.

Damn!

What happened to you?

Look, I was just wondering

if I could get
a quick Luther burger.

Hey, come on, get off me!

Please.
Look, just one.

What's wrong
with you, woman?

Hey, get off my leg!

You got one in that bag,
don't you?!

Please, Granddaddy.
I'll do anything!

Then take the damn thing!

GRANDDAD:
Damn!

That was my dinner.

Don't worry
about last night.

We'll get you
some security.

This ain't exactly

the best neighborhood
anymore,

but we have
a bigger problem.

We're losing money
because you're not getting

these people out of here
fast enough.

Like him.

Get your ass up,

or pay for another hour
in the bed! Now!

I can't...

Chico!

Oh, God.

There.

Look like a bed
just opened up.

Check this out.

I had Chico modify the bed

like the Mexicans do
with their cars.

They call it...

"hydraulics."

Watch this.

Let's see.

Um, this is
my first time here,

but all my friends
rave about it.

What's good?

Oh, everything here
will k*ll you.

Run.

Fine.

You wanna
keep playin' around?

Now, you can wash
the dishes.

Granddad, look what you've
done to this community.

It's not that bad.

Not that bad?

This place used to sit

between a coffee shop
and a day spa.

Now, there's a liquor store
and a damn Foot Locker.

This food is destructive.

This food is your culture.

Then the culture is destructive.

CHICO:
He's right,

Señor Freeman.

All African-American slaves
had to eat

was the parts of the pigs

the slaves' masters
wouldn't eat,

but that was
a survival technique, ese.

They didn't really have
a choice.

I don't think people are
supposed to eat this stuff.

Or, at least, not so much.

What?

I can't take
an Afro-American Studies class

at the community college?

Well, nobody asked you, Chico.

This is my restaurant,

and we'll serve the food
that I wanna serve, señor.

Actually,
it's my restaurant,

and it's shutting down.

Sorry, Robert.

It was fun while it lasted.

But, uh, w-what happened?

HUEY: Granddad learned white people

had their own survival techniques.

They call it "litigation."

Janet O'Siren had gone from this,

to this...

and back to this,

with the help of two liposuctions

and emergency gastrointestinal surgery.

We want half a million
for medical bills

and million
in emotional damages.

We'll pay
her insurance deductible.

Deal.

And, um-- Ahem.

--one last Luther burger.

Chico!

Wuncler feared it would be

the first of many lawsuits against The Itis.

Granddad's restaurant was no more.

Mmm, mmm! Oh!

This isn't fair.

The people liked
this restaurant,

and they liked me.

I never wanted
to hurt anybody.

Janet, are you okay?

I think she's having
a heart att*ck.

I believe
our business is done.

Have a nice day.

Call me later,
Robert.

Hello.

?

My client's having
a heart att*ck.

They're not gonna come.

Yes. We're on the corner
of, um, uh,

Cherry Street
and-- And Fifth.

Right across
from Meadowlark Park.

Hello?

Told you.

Don't you know CPR?

I'm a lawyer.
We don't help people.

What about you guys?
Don't you know CPR?

GRANDDAD:
So I told him,

they wouldn't even teach
black people CPR

when I was young.

HUEY: We still do the Sunday dinners.

I think Granddad just likes being popular.

But we do switch up the menu from week to week.

It's somethin'.

So, what happened?

Chico saved her.

Eh. I took a class.

And after this meal, nobody passed out.

If you'll excuse me.

Robert,
may I use--?

WUNCLER:
Bathroom's upstairs, right?

GRANDDAD:
Huey!

Take care of
the dishes, okay?

Don't anybody go
in the bathroom

for or minutes.

Whew!

Open the window!