01x14 - The Block Is Hot

[bunniefuu]

: Folks, we are looking

at some serious temperatures. How hot is it?

Well, let's just say it's hot.

Hotter than the barrel of d*ck Cheney's g*n.

This heat is relentless. Also coming up later today--

MAN: Wow, you look great.
WOMAN: Thank you.

WOMAN : Hey!
MAN: You really look great.

: Nobody predicted

the heat wave.

GIRL:
You want to come over

to my house?

But everyone seemed to be enjoying it.

GIRL: Yeah, ask your mom.
GIRL : Okay.

They say the heat makes people crazy.

WOMAN:
Hey, Bill.

BILL:
Hey, how are you there, Gina?

GINA:
I love your flowers.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, everybody.
What you waitin' for?

Huh?

Oh,
my hair!

Riley.

What?

White people have pools.

n*gga, what's with the coat?

Hey. You quit playin'
with that white man water, boy.

And you, turn off
that g*dd*mn jungle noise.

What?

You heard me.

Turn off that g*dd*mn black,
African, Congo jungle noise!

Son of a bitch!

I'm gonna show
your little black ass.

You wait until they here.

Hello? . Breaker .
emergency.

This is Uncle Ruckus.
I'm on Timid Deer Lane.

A little monkey's sprayin' water
all down my esophagus

and hittin' my nether region.

That's right, officer.

He even done sprayed me
on my brand-new shirt

that I finally--

Well, if it ain't
the brave men and women

of the police department
come save the day.

Get out of the truck
and show me some ID!

ID? Oh, that's
a fine idea, officer.

Can't be too careful.

I'm just gonna reach
into my pocket

and take out my--

g*n!

Ah! Mr. Policeman, wait!

Wait! It's a case
of mistaken identity!

Hey, watch out, now!

Please, not me.

I got Indian in my family.
Seriously.

COP:
Hold your fire!

It's okay, officers.
It's okay.

I have a backup wallet,
just in case.

That's where I keep
my spare Blockbuster card.

g*n!

Hey, what--?
What you all doing, here?

Ow-- Oh!
Ow! Oh!

I appreciate
what you're doing,

but it's the wrong fellow.

HUEY: It was degrees,

and the temperature was rising.

Now, honey, you sure you have
enough water and a calculator?

I have everything
I need, Daddy.

Oh. I can't believe
what happened to Ruckus.

Morning, Huey.

What a great day today.

Whatever.

Huey Freeman, you're
the only person I know

who can take a beautiful day
like this

and turn it into a problem.

What's that
box for?

It's my soapbox.

If you have important things
to say, you use a soapbox.

Sir, would you
like to hear

about how the government
wants you dead by ,

so you can't collect
on social security?

Is that true?

Yes, but lemon juice can lead
to a longer, healthier life.

Oh. I'll take a cup.

See? You depress him,

and I had a lemonade
ready to cheer him up.

That's called synergy.

Damn, it's hot.

WOMAN:
The police were responding

to a call about
a broken fire hydrant

when they pulled over
the suspect

here on Timid Deer Lane.

The officers
apparently mistook

the suspect's safety-orange
wallet for a g*n

and sh*t at him times,
and b*at him.

What did I see?

Well, that brings up

an interesting
philosophical question.

Is it okay to snitch to
the police on the police?

Prozac can lead
to su1c1de.

But lemonade
can lead to smiles,

which can cause
dimples.

Dimples? I'll take two.

Thank you.

You're good for business.

WUNCLER:
What's this here?

"Jazmine's Lemonade Parade."

The E's are backwards.

Interesting.

Well, Jaz, look,
I'm a very powerful man

with a very powerful thirst.

What do you recommend?

Lemonade.

Lemonade was a popular drink
in my day,

and it still is.

One lemonade, please.

One dollar please,
Mr. Wuncler.

How's business?

Not good enough.
I'm saving for a pony.

A pony?

Wow. Those can be pricey.

Like, a couple hundred bucks.

I know.
I'm like, "Hey, guys,

I could buy a car
for that much."

Talk about highway robbery.

Highway robbery.

You know, I raise ponies.

No.

Ah! Magnificent.

I admire entrepreneurship
in young people.

You mean like them
-year-old girls

who work in your sweatshops
in Indonesia?

That's right.

Every morning I wake up
and put one foot on the ground

and the other up the ass of
a -year-old Indonesian girl.

And if this country didn't have
unions and child labor laws,

maybe your generation
would understand

the value of hard work.

Like this little girl here.

I might have to check
with my accountants, but

what if I bought your stand
from you right now

for the price of...

one little pony?

Wow.

You must be rich.

Yes, I am.

I'm not sayin'
I do have a videotape,

but I'm not sayin' I don't,
either.

Hypothetically speaking,

how much would you pay
for something like that?

Well, I didn't exactly see what happened, per se.

But I don't think we should jump to any conclusions.

And as the assistant district attorney,

I urge everyone to be calm.

Have you observed anyone not being calm?

No, I guess. Ha.

This neighborhood is actually handling the sh**ting

of an unarmed black man pretty well.

What do you say, Jazmine?

Why not make your next move
your best move, huh?

Deal!

"Make your next move
your best move"?

My lawyers will be by with
the paperwork this afternoon.

See ya, partner.

And why in God's name
are you wearing that coat?

It's degrees.

Bye, partner.

My own pony.

I'm gonna name him
"Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony."

What do you think?

I think he just ripped you off.

I'd expect you to say that,
pony-hater.

Daddy! Daddy! Guess what?!

But he never even paid
for the...lemonade.

Here's the contracts
for the lemonade stand.

My little girl,

already selling out
for the first time.

I'm so proud.

WUNCLER:
Now, this pony,

Mr. Sammy Davis, Jr.

will be your responsibility
from now on.

We'll keep him
at my stables

until you can get
your own ranch,

which I think
will be pretty soon.

Thank you, Mr. Wuncler.

No problem.

Now, let's think
of some ways

to manipulate people
emotionally,

so that they buy lemonade.

Hm.

Those police officers
look thirsty.

We should invite them over
for lemonade.

Well, guess I should let
you partners get to work.

Oh, hey there,
Huey.

Oh. That is so
not appropriate, Huey.

So when do I get to see
Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony?

When you learn how to run
a respectable business.

Huh?

What the hell is up
with this sign?

What's this crude drawing
supposed to be?

I-it's the m-m-magical
pony carriage.

This looks like
a kid drew it.

WUNCLER:
Look at this.

Why are all the E's backwards?

I-- I-- It's supposed
to be c-cute.

You think ignorance is cute?

Well, I suppose you think
mental retardation

is downright adorable.

Lemonade, now.

WUNCLER:
How is anyone

supposed to believe
you can make lemonade

when you can't
even spell it?

How old are you?

T-t-t-ten.

T-t-t-too damn old to be writing
your E's backwards, damn it.

WUNCLER:
Squirm, little worm.

What happened?

It's okay,
Jazmine.

You don't need him.

What do you mean,
I don't need him?

Well, you're not gonna let him
treat you like that.

What, you think ponies
grow on trees?

What kind of question is that?

It's a large,
four-legged mammal.

Or maybe I'm just supposed
to wait

until I'm an old woman
before I get my pony.

How am I gonna
look, Huey?

A -year-old woman
riding a pony.

Jazmine, he's a crook.

You just want everyone
to be miserable

because you're miserable.

And why are you wearing
that stupid coat?

I wish you'd go away.

HUEY: They say the heat

makes people crazy.

Oh, buck up, son.

I'm sure you'll
get me next time.

Weatherman says it's gonna be hotter tomorrow.

Pshh. I hope not.

: Folks, this heat

will not let up.

It is hot.

And speaking of hot, Al Sharpton is hot right now,

having a big old protest.

Seems like Al's angry again at something.

I believe it's a cartoon this time.

In fact, he wants to have all...

I want these tables cleaned
every hour on the hour.

Now, where's
my money?

Well, don't stand there.

Lemonade ain't gonna
make itself.

If I see a single thirsty person
on this block,

they'd better be broke.

It's gonna be hot today.

HUEY: A press conference was held

at Jazmine's lemonade stand

to announce Ruckus' settle with the police department.

He turned down a seven-figure settlement offer.

In fact, all Ruckus asked for

was to fulfill a childhood dream

of being a police officer.

So help me God.

Congratulations,
Officer Uncle Ruckus.

RUCKUS:
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

You know--

--people been asking me

if I'm upset
about what happened yesterday.

I say, no.

Ruckus is not upset.

Because the swift and measured
response of these officers

is a fine example of
my tax dollars hard at work.

And I just want you
all to know

that I hope to live up to
the fine example of those men.

And I hope to harass and b*at

each and every
black person I see

with "excreme" prejudice.

GIRL:
That's a totally great idea.

That's great.
Yeah.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

I'm glad you feel me
on that sentiment.

Now, let's enjoy
some delicious lemonade

from this little
mix-breed girl.

That's an order
from Officer Ruckus.

Oh, my rear.

That's right, Bob.

I'm standing on
Timid Deer Lane in Woodcrest,

where one little girl
has turned the lemon

of shocking police brutality
into lemonade.

Woodcrest isn't a place where people dwell on the past

and focus on the negative, like who sh*t at who times,

or who cracked whose ribcage.

That's all media hype.

In my day,

we resolved our differences the old-fashioned way:

over a cool glass of lemonade.
WOMAN: Ow, my toe.

We just want everyone to know

that this was not racially motivated.

And everyone is welcome to come to Woodcrest.

Uh, including the African-Americans.

Just don't stay too long, darkies.

Just kiddin'. Not really.

MAN: Come on, damn it.

MAN :
And you told me to come here,

and now I'm not gonna listen.

MAN : Whatever.

Let's see.

I want a...

I'll take two small lemonades
with ice,

two small lemonades
without ice,

three large lemonades,
one with ice,

one with no ice,
one with crushed ice.

Do you guys have,
uh...mm-mmm...?

Uh...

That's all I got.

Lemonade is a dollar.

That's all I got!

Make it work.
I'm thirsty.

Lemonade is a dollar.

I ain't got no dollar.

It's hot as hell out here, man.
Just hook me up.

All the money
I spent up in this place,

this is some ol' bullshit!

Lemonade is a dollar!

Mm...

Uh, do you guys have anything
other than lemonade?

Jazmine, this is stupid.
You're being exploited.

You'll never get anywhere
in this world

without doing a fair day's work

for a fair day's pay.

Jazmine, Ed's never
gonna give you that pony.

Next.

Peaches, I think it's time
you come inside.

Can't talk, Dad.
Making lemonade.

Come on, honey,
I want you inside now.

No!
I have been

waiting minutes

for this lemonade.
I'm thirsty!

What's the problem?

Mr. Wuncler,

you know, yesterday
I thought this was cute.

But don't you think you guys
are taking this a little far?

Jazmine can leave
whenever she wants.

But Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony
will have to be put down.

What?

He's your pony now.

Your percentage was supposed to
pay for his food and upkeep.

Now he'll starve to death
in a puddle of his own feces.

Oh, come on,
Mr. Wuncler.

I don't want to leave,
Mr. Wuncler.

Please, Daddy,
don't make me leave.

There you have it.

You know the name of the game.

Your daughter chose me.

Now, we can handle this
like some gentlemen,

or we can get into
some old gangster sh*t.

Mm...

Okay, best of luck,
honey.

: This heat will not stop.

This portion of the program sponsored by

Jazmine's Lemonade Parade,

a subsidiary of Wuncler Food Incorporated.

Oh, Wuncler. That's...

Thank you.

Come again, ma'am.

MAN:
I have to have a glass.

Hello. Bye.

WOMAN:
Come on, move it.

My legs are sore.

WOMAN :
Oh! Come on.

MAN:
Hey, kid!

Huh?

Wake up!

Some of us have to work
for a living.

CROWD: Yeah.
MAN: She's taking too long.

:
Oh, not another day.

MAN: No more child labor!
MAN : That's right!

MAN : Hell no, we won't go!
WOMAN: Let's go!

Hell no, we won't go!

We're gonna shut down
this lemonade stand

and liberate that little girl.

Yeah!
Right on, man!

Stop in the name of the law.

Just what the hell y'all
think y'all doing, here?

Yeah,
quit making trouble.

We're thirsty.
Get lost.

Let's get 'em!

WOMAN:
Release the children!

Let 'em run free, man.

What the hell are you doing?

We're protesting.

Quit playing.
Let's shut it down.

This will shut it down.

WOMAN : Yeah.
Just very slowly...

WOMAN : Children!
...and peacefully.

We're gonna liberate that
girl one of these days.

Even if it's not
in our lifetimes, right?

Who's with me?

Why don't you
leave me alone?

I don't want
your help.

Jazmine,
there is no pony.

There is too.

He has a white tail.
I saw the picture.

MAN: Look.
MAN : Hey, get some deodorant.

Ponies!

Ponies!

Oh, my gosh,
look at the mane!

Oh, my gosh!

Ladies and gentlemen...

it has been brought
to my attention

that Jazmine's Lemonade Parade
has been using child labor.

Obviously, this comes
as a great surprise to me.

So I present to you...

Wuncler's Cruelty-Free Lemonade.

It's lemonade, but without
the biting sting of injustice.

Its lack of cruelty
makes it look delicious.

And I know it's cruelty-free,
because he said so.

And it's on the label.

Sammy, I'm coming!

Ow! Please, let me through.

Ow!

Ugh! Please move.

Ow!

Mr. Wuncler.
Let me see my pony.

Your pony?

You better check the contract,
young lady.

HUEY: Wuncler's deal with Jazmine

advanced her one $ pony

against a five-point royalty,

which gave her cents of every cup sold.

That meant Jazmine had to sell cups of lemonade

before the pony was actually hers.

She in fact sold cups.

But what Jazmine hadn't calculated

was the cost of her new stand,

marketing and promotion,

the lemons, cups, umbrellas, straws,

and the gas to drive Wuncler back and forth from the stand,

all came out of her percent.

Jazmine not only didn't get her pony,

she ended up about $ in debt to Ed Wuncler.

You know, Miss DuBois,

I sunk a lot of money
into this business.

I gave you an opportunity.

But that's just not
good enough for you, is it?

You wanted a handout.

I just want my pony.

I've never seen anyone
so ungrateful.

This partnership is over.

Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony
belongs to me now.

No!

Don't take Sammy.

I'm sorry.

I won't be ungrateful.

Hey, cry about your failed
dreams on your own time.

We want lemonade.
What's taking so long?

Hey, give us some of
that cruelty-free stuff.

Hey, man, f*ck y'all.
Get your own.

MALCOLM X: Today is time to stop singing

and stop swinging.

HUEY: Maybe the heat does

make people crazy.

HUEY: Before you know it,

crazy becomes normal.

Huh! Ha! Huh!

Get your black ass out of here.
Get out of here right now.

What's wrong?

Huh?

g*n!

Huh?

Ow! Ow-- Easy. Excellent use
of a baton, officer.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

HUEY: But sanity eventually returned.

And when it does, you better have your coat.

MAN:
Come here.

WOMAN:
I'm so sorry.

MAN :
That was bad.

WOMAN:
No, I was really to blame.

MAN :
Here's your guitar.

If you really
think about it--

WOMAN :
This is so stupid.

Over lemonade.
I mean, that's so dumb.

MAN :
No, it was my fault.

RUCKUS:
Uh, help me up.

WOMAN :
That'd be great. Yeah.

I s-s-shouldn't have taken
that n-nap.

Have I ever told you about

J-J-Jazmine's Hot Chocolate
expl*si*n?

It would be a delivery service
for hot chocolate.

I can charge a delivery fee
and get tips.

RUCKUS:
Move along. Move along,

There's nothing to see here.

RUCKUS:
Oh, a unicorn.