01x15 - The Passion of Reverend Ruckus

[bunniefuu]

[?]

My stars and garters.

President Ronald Reagan,

my hero.

Is this heaven?

Oh, not just heaven, Ruckus.

White heaven.

You see, there are many

different types
of people, Ruckus,

so God created
many separate but,

well, for the most part,
equal heavens.

You don't say.

[GASPS]

White heaven is
for decent, good.

God-fearing Christians
who just happen to,

well, hate everyone

and everything relating
to black people.

That means no Muhammad Ali,

no hip-hop music,
and no f*cking Jesse Jackson.

What about Whoopi Goldberg?

Nope.

Wow. This is heaven.

REAGAN: Turns out that
God really doesn't have

that much of a problem
with racism.

He doesn't even
remember sl*very,

except in February.

Personally,
I hate black people, Ruckus.

That's why I did
everything I could

to make their lives miserable.

cr*ck? Me.

AIDS? Me.

Reaganomics?

Hmph. Come on,
I'm in the name.

And God has rewarded me.
Know why?

Uh, 'cause two n*gg*s
and two quarters

don't add up to a dollar?

Well, that, and because
God loves white people.

And if you teach everyone
on earth to love the white man,

you too can join us
in white heaven.

[GASPS]

[RUCKUS WHIMPERING]

Praise white God.

? I am the stone
That the builder refused ?

? I am the visual
The inspiration ?

? That made lady
Sing the blues ?

? I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ?

? The same spark
That lights the dark ?

? So that you can know
Your left from your right ?

? I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ?

? The inner glow
That lets you know ?

? To call your brother sun ?

? The story that just begun ?

? The promise
Of what's to come ?

? And I'm 'a remain a soldier ?

? Till the w*r is won ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop ?

[?]

HUEY:
Okay, so this meeting

of the executive board

of the committee to free
Shabazz K. Miltonburough

has now officially commenced.

Let's see now. Attendance.

All in attendance say "here. "

Here.

[IN HIGH VOICE] Here.

Jazmine, Mrs. Wellington isn't
a member on this board.

Now, first item on the agenda:

Our planned bus trip tomorrow

to visit our illegally
imprisoned brother

and offer him moral support.

Have we assembled
the reading material

and baked goods
for Brother Shabazz?

Check.

I have the latest edition
of Highlights

and two and a half Fig Newtons.

Two and a half?

Mrs. Wellington
got hungry.

What about the snacks
for the two-hour bus ride?

I got part of a Lunchable and
a half a bottle of S-Snapple.

Oh, so you just wanna drink

the white man's poison, huh?

I don't...

High-fructose corn syrup.

Read about it.

It'll k*ll you.

Great.

So we'll just get
a head count for the trip.

Everybody who's going,
raise their hands.

Ah, come on, Jazmine.

The man is on death row.

He needs moral support.

I'm not allowed to go past
the second light post.

I hope you don't treat me
like this when I'm on death row.

I'll go next time.

I promise.

Well, he'll be dead next time,

but I'll tell him
you said, "Hi. "

[?]

This is uncomfortable.

[?]

[RINGS]

God bless you, Robert.

How are you this fine morning?

Hm?

You're not a Jehovah Witness,
are you?

I'm in the Jehovah Witness
protection program.

[LAUGHING]

Robert, I'm dyin'.

That's right.

Went to the doctor
this morning.

I only got six months
to live.

Tumor on the back.

They call it
"biggus backus tumoritis,"

or some other big word
that my tiny n*gro brain

and big lips can't pronounce.

Doctors say
they can't operate.

But praise be to white God
and his son, white Jesus.

Well, I'm sorry to
hear that, Ruckus.

You're not contagious,
are you?

Just contagious
with the Holy Spirit

of our Caucasian Savior.

I'm on a mission from God,

and let me share
his word with ya.

Come, child of God.

Come.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Do you know what's going on?

RUCKUS:
Please, everybody.

Everybody, gather around
to hear the good news.

God is white, and he loves
the white man above all others.

All right!

Woo-hoo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Ye-! Sorry.

RUCKUS:
Don't be sorry, white man.

Only n*gg*s and Mexicans
are sorry.

Be joyful.

God loves you.

That's why he made his only
begotten son in your image.

God hates darkies.

Well, actually, I'm more
of a caramel complexion.

[CHUCKLES]

But I'm outraged
all the same!

Hear ye, hear ye.

White God is a good God.

Even darkies can rejoice.
[GROWLING]

For even ones cursed
with the skin of coal

can enter the gates of paradise
if he hates his own blackness.

In white Jesus' name, amen.

What?
That's right, Robert Freeman.

You must hate thyself
to save thyself.

But, uh... we're okay?

Excuse me?

White people.
We-? We're okay, right?

Of course.

Cool.

[?]

So who among this flock
will join me,

so that the world can hear

the joyful message
of love and redemption?

Ruckus, you done lost it
this time.

You really dying?

Praise God, yes, I am.

Heed the word, darkies.

I think you're onto something.

Tell me more.

Well, first of all, the Gipper
is standing at the Pearly Gates.

Yeah, he's wearing
a all-white suit,

got some white tennis shoes on.

HUEY: At this point,
we're resorting

to what I call
desperation tactics.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING] Such as?

MAN: How the hell do
you expect me to do?

I'm doin' not so great.

I've sent anonymous letters
to the governor,

threatening to expose
his gay lover.

I wasn't aware
the governor was gay.

He probably isn't,

but I figure percent
of the population is gay,

and probably about half

the people cheat
on their spouses.

So I figure that plan has about
a percent chance of success.

Better than nothing.
[SIGHS]

Huey.

What?

You always say
I should have faith.

Well, that's me having faith.

Random, anonymous blackmail.

Huey, they turned down
the final appeal.

The execution date
has been set.

It's in two months.

Two months?

[?]

That's so soon.

I've had a long time
to come to peace with this.

It's not over yet.

Why don't you
just holler at him?

sh*t, I don't know.
He's so detached.

We used to spend
all our yard time together.

We used to lift weights
together every day.

He doesn't even
spot me anymore.

I think
there's somebody else.

Jail n*gga,

you gay.

RUCKUS: Well, you see, the blackness
in our skin represents sin,

which is why God wants us
to hate the black in us.

MAN: Ooh.
MAN : That's interesting.

Yes, yes.

MAN :
Yeah.

Hate the sin, not the sinner.
MAN : Wow.

RUCKUS: You got the
point, little girl.

You can't go
to the Pearly Gates...

Do you believe in God, Huey?

I believe in God.

First of all, I'm
gonna live forever.

But if I do die,

I'll go smack God
upside the head

and go tell him to get me

a grilled cheese sandwich
and some tacos.

When I want something

or I'm afraid about something,

I pray.

Have you ever prayed?

And I dare God
to say something.

I'll be like,

"Say something, God.
Say something.

Yeah, I thought so. "

You should pray for Shabazz.

God'll get him out of jail.

They have to listen to him.
He's God.

And if God say something,
I'll be like this: "Ooh!

Take that, God. "

I'll be beati'’
God's jaw like,

bli-gah!

Blah!

Mm. Mm-hm.
Hm.

Excuse me, Reverend.

Hey, hey, I know you.
You Armstrong Elder.

I seen you

on the TV news.

You the only darkie
that I ever seen

make any sense
on the TV news.

Hallelujah!

And you talk white too.

That's very impressive
for a monkey, no offense.

Uh, none taken.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to talk to you
about expanding your message.

I bet you got a white wife.

Yes, I do have a white wife.

Can I see a picture of her?

[?]

It's called
Operation Black Steel.

We should call it...

We're callin' it
Operation Black Steel.

I like that name.
We're not changin' it.

What's your suggestion?

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Jazmine and Huey's plan

to get his friend
out of jail. "

Why's your name first?

Because I thought
of the name.

I'm callin' it
Operation Black Steel.

Suit yourself.

[SOFTLY] You'll be sorry.

What?
Nothing.

Whatever.

Operation Black Steel
works as follows:

Shabazz K. Miltonburough
will be ex*cuted

exactly days from now.

That night,

there'll be
a candlelight vigil.

Granddad,

who refuses
to take an interest

in the fate of Brother Shabazz,

will probably stay in the car
and watch Friday.

[LAUGHING]

"All the pigs' feet. "
That's funny. Ha-ha!

HUEY: One hour before Brother
Shabazz's execution,

he will be taken from his cell

and brought to
the prison hospital,

where he will receive
his final examination.

At precisely that time,

I'll fake
a massive heart att*ck.

[GRUNTING]

WOMAN:
Somebody do something.

MAN:
Where's his parents?

MAN :
The kid's dyin', man.

[CHUCKLING] That's so funny.

"It's your ass,
Mr. Postman. "

HUEY: The guards
will have no choice

but to bring me
into the prison hospital

while Shabazz is there.

They'll have no idea

I'm a black radical
freedom fighter

until it's too late.

I'll be able to tranquilize
two of the guards right away.

After that,
I've got the stun baton.

MAN:
Get some help.

[SHABAZZ GRUNTS]

We got a problem here!

GUARD :
Clear the way!

Come on, move! Move!

[ALARM BLARING]

HUEY: We'll be gone before
they even know what hit.

JAZMINE:
What happens then?

Then I move to Cuba
for the rest of my life.

That's assuming I'm not k*lled
in the breakout.

Yeah.

This is a good plan.

[?]

HUEY: Shabazz K.
Miltonburough was actually interning

for the Black Panthers
in early .

He hadn't even earned

his black beret
and leather jacket.

One fateful day,
he heard a g*nsh*t...

[g*nsh*t, WOMAN SCREAMS]

... and the words:
MAN: A g*n!

I, Eli Gorbinsky,

hate deputy sheriffs.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say
I hate all police officers

and parking enforcers.

And that's why I,

Eli Gorbinsky,

sh*t this here deputy sheriff!

HUEY: Shabazz never
investigated the g*nsh*t

or the oddly expositional
phrase Eli yelled out.

But within minutes,

the cops busted down the door...
What's going on?

... to the Black Panther
office supply shed

and arrested Shabazz...
What-?

... for the m*rder
of Deputy Sheriff Gary Fife.

[SHABAZZ GRUNTING]

Several people
witnessed the m*rder.

One had mm video footage.

Another happened
to be a stenographer

who had it all transcribed,

including Eli's confession,

which he oddly enough
signed and dated.

The m*rder w*apon
had Eli's prints all over it,

which were clearly visible,

since he had been enjoying

a chocolate doughnut
at the time of the sh**ting.

There was also a receipt
of sale attached to the g*n,

and the manufacturer warranty
card was filled out,

signed and dated by Eli.

During the trial,

footage of the incident

confirmed
the stenographer's note

that Gary's last words
were actually,

"Eli Gorbinsky k*lled me. "

After only minutes
of deliberation,

Shabazz K. Miltonburough

was sentenced to death.
Guilty as charged.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

Man, ain't this a bitch?

[?]

RUCKUS:
Amen.

White Jesus tells us:

"In order to enter paradise,

we must hate ourselves
to save ourselves. "

Sound pretty simple, don't it?

I can't believe
this crazy fool

is actually tryi'’
to start a church.

HUEY:
Ruckus had partnered up

with famous black conservative
Armstrong Elders

to market his "ministry. "

Elders was a media vet.

He knew just how to
package Ruckus for the masses.

MAN [ON TV]:
So you believe God is white?

First of all,
white man,

let me say that I love you,

honor you,

envy you,

enjoy your smell,

and I celebrate you
in the name of white Jesus.

Um, thank you.

No, thank you.
Look at that.

That's a handsome young man,
ain't it?

Now, if God looked like
Isaac Hayes,

do you think his son
would look like this?

So black people are-?

Cursed! Cursed! Cursed!

Just look around you.

That's why we in the ghettos.

That's why we in jail.

That's why we on UPN.

Because God don't like us.

You think if God wanted
to change that, he couldn't?

Hell, he turned water to wine.

He could have changed
UPN to CBS.

Reverend Ruckus
and his peculiar message

of race-based redemption

has begun to spread, and fast.

How fast?

Reverend Ruckus
will be holding a revival

here at Woodcrest Post
Pavilion tonight.

Tickets are expected
to sell out.

Coming up next,
time has run out

for a condemned man
who many say is innocent.

After this.

I don't get it.

Who would actually follow
Uncle Ruckus?

We have to put a stop to this.
We're going.

[RINGS]

Yeah?

I'm calling you
to say goodbye, Huey.

And thanks for
everything you did.

It means a lot.

It's not over.

I promise.

I can't say much

because I know
people are listenin',

but... I promise you.

Goodbye, Huey.

[?]

[DOOR OPENS]

Damn, Morpheus.
What you about to do?

I love you, man.

Ugh!

n*gga, you gay.

But, Granddad,
you promised to take me

to the prison tonight...

Not tonight.

Somebody has to talk
some sense into Ruckus.

But I'm tryin'
to save my friend.

Me too.
But I promised him.

I gave him my word
I'd be there.

He's gonna die,

and there's nothing
you can do about it.

[SIGHS]

You should pray
for your friend, Huey.

That's all anyone
can do for him.

RUCKUS [ON TV]:
Martin Luther King

and the colored folks
d*ed before him-

What makes your God any less
made up than his?

-dark chocolate soup.

So hate the black
within you.

[HUMMING]

Row H, seats
and . Ha.

Let's roll.

[?]

HUEY:
Operation Black Steel,

the mission to liberate
Shabazz K. Miltonburough,

was aborted...

'cause I couldn't
get a ride.

People say to me,
"Ruckus?"

I say,
"Huh? Who said that?"

They say, "How do I make it
to white heaven?"

Well, start by asking yourself,

"How is my relationship
with the white man?"

Do you celebrate the white
man's goodness every day?

Do you stop and thank
the white man

for the food you eat
and the clothes you wear?

Huh?

Well, if you don't,
you going to hell.

Now, I want everybody
who isn't white

to turn to a white
person and say,

"Thank you. "

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Well, there are those of you
who say I'm a r*cist.

There are those of you who say
I'm wrong for hatin' n*gg*s.

Well, I call y'all
all hypocrites,

because each
and every one of you

can name n*gg*s you hate
right now if you had to.

I never thought about it
like that.

There's Tyrone, Leon...

Oh, Eddie.

You don't have to admit it,
that's okay.

'Cause I know you done
already counted off

five n*gg*s in your head.

You're like,
"I hate that n*gga Jamal.

"Oh, I hate Otis.

I can't stand Usher. "

Oh, my God, he's right.
[THUNDER CRASHING]

I hate Usher too.
What?

He's right.

I think I hate black people.

Tom, stop being stupid.

No, I think I hate them all.

I don't like Puffy.

I don't like Kobe.

I don't like-
I don't like any of them.

Tom, snap out of it.
Come on. We're leaving.

RUCKUS:
That's right.

Somebody out there
is feelin' the Spirit.

I am. I am! I feel it!

If you black of skin
and full of sin,

come forward, so I may
lay my hands on you.

Hah!
Oh, thank you, Jesus.

Black be gone.

Hah!
[SCREAMS]

Praise white Jesus.

Hah!

[MAN SCREAMS]

? On the road again ?

RUCKUS:
Now I want everybody

to find the nearest black man

and lay hands on him.

But, first, make sure your hand
is balled up in a fist,

so you can b*at the black
out of his soul.

God smiles when
you hate blackness,

so you b*at that darkie
in the name of the Almighty.

Hallelujah!

[MURMURING, GRUNTING]

People have lost
their damn minds.

What's wrong with y'all?

Hey! Hey!

That's right.
Ronald Reagan said,

"b*at a n*gga's ass
and go to heaven. "

God is good.

? You shouldn't let yourself
Go deeper ?

[HUEY SIGHS]

? In distress ?

HUEY:
I never prayed before.

I don't even know
who I'm praying to.

And maybe I'm too young
to know

what the world
is supposed to be...

but it's not supposed
to be this.

It can't be this.

So please-

? Oh, boy, don't cry ?

? Over happiness... ?

Governor.
What is it?

They found out about Raoul.

? I believe in it ?

Now, let us pray.

Lord, I have spent
my whole life hatin' you

for makin' me black.

And now I see I must hate
myself and all those like me,

and cause them misery,

just like your servant
Ronald Reagan did.

And if any of my words
don't come directly

from the Almighty God himself,

then may I be struck
by lightning

right this very instant.

Halle-!

[SCREAMING]

[PHONE RINGING]

? Just let the world... ?

What just happened?

[RINGING]

? Go 'round ?

Would somebody
like to get that?

[RINGING]
? And 'round ?

? And round?
I think it's for me.

HUEY: The lightning bolt
that saved Shabazz's life

seemed to have struck
Uncle Ruckus on his tumor.

Doctors would find

no remaining signs
of his cancer.

Some called it a miracle.

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

MAN:
It seemed to make sense.

HUEY: And maybe there are
forces in this universe

we don't understand.

Huh? Wha-?

Get your black
banana-peelin' hands off of me.

HUEY: But I still believe
we make our own miracles.

? Just let the world... ?

I don't know how
they found out about us,

but we have to end it, Raoul.

[SOBBING]

HUEY: Shabazz K.
Miltonburough was not yet free,

but for now, the mission
had been accomplished.

I decided to take
the rest of the day off.

I wonder if there's
anything good on TV.

[?]