02x09 - Sex & Basketball

[bunniefuu]

♪ Blow it up, blow it up ♪

♪ I jump on that ♪

♪ I go so high ♪

Okay, so spring
is officially upon us,

and I have
a very important question.

Can I pull off a bucket hat?

- No.
- Absolutely not.

Yeah, you look like a sad penis.

Okay, got my answer.

So my ex, Alicia, texted me
and asked to meet up,

but you know, things have been
going really well with Tatum,

and I don't wanna mess it up,
so...

what do you think I should do?

Hello?
What?

- Nothing.
- It's just,

you never ask us
for dating advice.

We talk like this all the time.

- Right.
- "We" do, but you don't.

This is weird.

- Are you sick?
- I'm fine.

I just... I wanted to know
what you guys think.

- Someone else go first.
- I'm too nervous.

I think you should
bring it up with Tatum

and see how she reacts.

If you care about her,

you shouldn't see Alicia
behind her back.

- Was that okay?
- Yeah, that's smart.

I'll do that.

Oh, thank God.

Whitney?

Hey.

Hey, you good?

I thought you had class
right now.

We're going on a date tonight,

if that's cool with you.

You walked all the way
over here to tell me

we're going on a date?

Yeah, keep up.

Okay.

And where is it exactly

we'd be going on this date?

A restaurant, somewhere
with good Yelp reviews.

I don't know.
I'll figure that out later.

Could you please just answer?

- Jeez. Okay.
- Yes, fine.

Great.

Wow.

Is his confidence
working for anyone else?

Because it's really
working for me.

- Yes.
- I'm into it.

- Yeah.
- His BDE was off the charts.

You know who I've
always thought has BDE?

Aladdin.

Huh.

Whitney, does BDE
really correlate to a BD,

or is the E a separate thing
without the D being B?

- What?
- It was an important question,

so I will ask again...

♪ All eyes on me
in the club ♪

♪ See them all looking at me ♪

♪ Feening to touch ♪

♪ Top dollar lady ♪

Ugh, we need
to switch up the play list.

The music in here
is stale as hell.

Get cultured, Lila.

Chopin was
the Pitbull of his day, okay?

Guys, I was doing
a word scramble

in the school newspaper,
and guess

who I saw an article about.

Canaan!

Oh, my God.

Dammit, they used

my high school
graduation picture?

You look good.

You look
like Michael B. Jordan,

but nerdier.

They're giving him
the economic department's

Young Entrepreneur Award.

- What?
- You're into business?

Then why the f*ck are you
so bad at the cash register?

- Okay, you know what?
- It's not that big of a deal.

I just really
don't feel the need

to advertise it to the world.

Well, I just posted it
on my 'gram,

so say that to 49 people.

Well, I guess
it's out there now.

You're gonna be honored

at the econ department's
annual banquet.

That's going to be fancy AF...
Fancy and fun.

- No, girl.
- Yeah.

Look, I don't even think
I'm gonna go.

The last thing I need is
a bunch of 90-year-olds

telling me how clean-cut I look.

Canaan, you have to go.

This is a huge accomplishment,

and you deserve recognition.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Oh, my God.

I did not know
he was smart like this.

Have you ever won an award?

No.

But I stole a Latin Grammy once.

Oh.

Good work, ladies.

Lift that leg, Tatum.

Use that pelvic floor
or lose it.

What does that even mean?

I don't know,
but you should work on it.

Okay, let's take
a quick water break, guys.

Hey, do you think it's weird
that we haven't talked

about our past relationships
yet?

I mean, not really.

Weren't you closeted before me?

I don't need to hear
about every single dude

named Kyle
who you reluctantly kissed

to keep up appearances.

Okay, well, I only ask

because my ex, Alicia,
texted me.

And?

And I don't know.

I was just wondering

if you would be cool
with me seeing an ex.

Leighton, of course.

I mean, do I look like
a person who gets threatened?

Also, I am tight with literally
every single one of my exes,

Brandi included.

- Wait.
- You dated our instructor?

- I did.
- And honestly,

sex with her was
a lot like a Pilates class:

- So much counting.
- Hmm.

My point is, I am totally
cool with you seeing an ex.

Then I will.

Cool.

Also, in the spirit of honesty,

I did pay Brandi
to go easy on me today.

You're doing a great job
today, Leighton.

Incredible core engagement.

Oh, thank you.

♪ ♪

Ladies, I have
a huge announcement.

- Oh.
- Okay.

"The Foxy's" getting
a featured writeup

in "The Essex View."

Shut up!

- Are you serious?
- Bela, that is amazing.

- I know. I know.
- This is gonna put us

on the same level
as "The Catullan."

Every alumni and student

reads this magazine.
That's like...

God, I'm bad at math,

but like a billion people
at least.

- Oh, my God.
- What caught their attention?

Was it my frequent use
of all caps?

Y-yeah.

Anyway, they're sending
a reporter to our next meeting

to take photos and stuff.

We should all wear
matching T-shirts

with our respective nicknames
on them.

- We have nicknames?
- Yeah.

I've just been waiting
for an opportunity

to use them.

Belly Button, Joe Cool...

- No, thank you.
- Spanky...

- Oh, I like that.
- Marbles.

- No. No.
- Dear God, no.

I will be curating everything
for this piece, okay?

We cannot waste
this opportunity.

Everybody needs to take us
seriously after this.

- Yeah.
- And on that note,

everybody please Slack me
your T-shirt sizes

- by 6:00 a.m. tomorrow.
- No.

No matching shirts.

Everyone come in looking
your absolute best.

Okay, Taco Bela.

Just came up with that one.
It's so good.

♪ ♪

This place has over
2,000 reviews on Yelp

and a 4 1/2-star average rating.

It's a culinary unicorn.

Wow.

Those statistics
sound delicious.

I'll start you two off
with some waters

and give you a minute
to look over the menu.

Actually, I looked online,
so we're ready.

I'll have
the Kobe beef medallions.

Oh, I guess... I guess

we're just immediately ordering.

Yeah, I will do
the Caesar salad.

I didn't find it yet,
but I'm sure you have one.

I'd skip the salad
if I were you.

A number of reviewers called
the croutons

"forgettable," so...

I will take my chances.

- Sorry to "salad-splain."
- I just wanna make sure

everything about this night
goes perfectly.

Yeah. I get that.

But you know, you can relax.

Oh, I'm totally relaxed.

So, do you have any siblings?

Yes, I do.

Cool.

Excuse me, I never do this,

but could I send
this water back?

- Of course.
- It had

kind of a weird smell to it.

No problem.

♪ ♪

Hey, can I talk
to you for a sec?

- Yes, please.
- I need a break.

"Lila's making me stack
these cups to be exactly 5'11"

so that she'll know how tall
men are when they come in.

- Right. Well...
- Mm-hmm.

I thought about what
you said, and you're right.

So I'm gonna go
to the econ banquet.

That's great.

Accepting an award in person
is the right thing to do.

Unless it's the Oscars
and you're a British actor

who can't make the trip.
Then I get it.

Okay.

Would you want to come with?

Oh, my God.

I'd be honored to be there
and support you.

I'm so touched
you thought of me.

It's not that deep.

I asked Zoe,

but she's busy, so...

Okay, well, no matter.

I'm still really
freaking pumped.

I don't own any formal gloves.

But judging from the look
you're giving me,

I won't need them.

♪ We ferocious ♪

The cactus looks like a penis.

I just think it sends
the wrong message

for a women's center.

One, that's
exclusionary territory,

and two, succulents
are inherently feminist.

They thrive in environments
that are trying to k*ll them.

Also, I spent $20 on this,
and we're not throwing it away.

Can we just get an orchid
to help balance it out?

- You know what?
- I'm gonna say it.

Orchids remind me
of penises, too.

I think it's interesting

that you guys can see genitals

in literally everything
around you.

- Leighton!
- Consent to hug?

- Consent.
- Oh.

- Hi.
- My tarot cards told me

you'd be coming back.

Oh.

- Hi, stranger.
- How's it going?

- Uh, good, good.
- How are you?

- I'm good.
- I've been really busy

you know, studying,
speaking truth to power,

building a little library
outside the Women's Center.

It's a squirrel toilet now.

- Oh.
- So what's up?

Why'd you ask me to come here?

Oh, no real reason.

I thought it'd be nice
to catch up.

Hmm.

But since you're here,
do you want

to help us put together
care packages

for struggling trans youth?

So you invited me here
for free physical labor then?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but, you know,
it shouldn't take too long

because we only have,
like, 1,200 left, so...

- Okay.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

I missed it here.

Also, is it just me,

or has it gotten dirtier?

We've switched to using

environmentally-friendly
cleaning products.

They don't work.

- Oh.
- Oh.

So I heard you came out

in, like, a really prolific way.

Who told you?

Oh, you know,
just several of my friends

- who you hooked up with.
- Same here.

Both my friends told me.

Well, I'm glad that
I could provide

some entertainment for you guys
while I was away.

Also, I am very impressed
with these care packages.

This fruit leather is expensive.

Yeah, because these kids
deserve the good stuff.

But, dude, it's not cheap.

I mean, financially,
we're barely hanging in there.

Which is why we're throwing
a fundraiser tomorrow.

It's a costume party
where we are all dressing up

as q*eer icons.

I'm either going
as Rachel Maddow

or the green M&M.

I know you hate
that stuff, but...

you should come if you want.

- Sure.
- I'll go.

Oh, can I bring a guest?

I've sort of been
seeing someone.

And you're going out
in public with her?

You've changed, Murray.

Well, you are making
funny jokes today,

so I guess we've both changed.

You should bring your new girl.

I'll be really excited
to meet her.

Cool.

♪ Going in from
the trunk on that ass ♪

♪ I'll be rubbing up
his inseam warm really fast ♪

I'm so glad we're finally
doing a clothing swap.

I'm so sick
of all the dumb clothes

I brought to Essex.

Anyone feel free to take
the dress I wore

on my date with Andrew.
sh*t's cursed.

Oh, how was it?

Very bad and awkward.

It's like we suddenly
had no chemistry at all,

which is weird
because the sex is so good.

Yeah, maybe you ruined it
by going on a date.

You know, some things
are just better casual.

If you're had a bad time,
he probably did too.

I'm sure he's on board to go
back to the way things were.

Right, but how
do I backslide into casual sex

after we've been on a date?

Eh, just pretend it
never happened.

If he brings it up,
change the subject

- or just start kissing him.
- So you're saying

I should straight-up gaslight
his ass?

I like that idea.

This dress is perfect

for my photo sh**t
with "The Foxy."

It'll make my breasts
look really smart.

Oh, does anyone
have something formal?

I need something
to wear to an econ banquet.

Canaan is getting an award,
and I'm going with him.

- Wait.
- Really?

As a friend, of course.

Whitney, you don't mind, right?

- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Totally cool with it.

But is Jackson okay with that?

Oh, yeah, Hawkeyes don't
get jealous like normals.

You know, I might have
something for you.

Here.

- Oh, wow, this is perfect.
- Aw.

- It's cute.
- Yeah.

Oh, Leighton, do you have shoes

that also match this dress
that I'm taking from you?

You know, I am
starting to suspect

that the reason that you guys
wanted to do

this clothing swap was
so that you could take

my objectively nicer
and more expensive clothing.

- What?
- No.

We did plan that, yes.

♪ That's the
smartest thing to do ♪

♪ ♪

I'm actually really excited
to show you this.

Over here we have "The Foxy's"
temporary headquarters.

- Got it.
- Where are you moving to?

- Oh, well, we're...
- choosing between a bunch

of really beautiful
and big office spaces.

But we haven't decided
on one yet.

- Nice.
- Yes, exactly what she said.

We have a lot of options.

Like, too many, honestly.

- Okay.
- So tell me...

what's it like going up
against a male-dominated

institution like "The Catullan"?

Well, I've never even heard
of "The Catullan"

until I joined.

And I don't care
about those limp-d*ck idiots.

And you can directly quote me,
Lila Flores.

Well, we don't want
to define ourselves

against another school magazine.

What we'd really
rather talk about

is some of the exciting work
we're doing

as a groundbreaking
new organization.

I would love to hear
more about that.

Oh, I'll take that one.

A lot of people don't know this,

but most of our best writing
is in T-shirt form.

Well, I think what Carla
is hinting at is well, that...

Well, I think comedy
has historically been

a dude's game.

People celebrate men
for being ridiculous.

But when women do it,
we're labeled as crazy

or shrill or unappealing.

We just want to show
that we can not only be funny

in the same way
as guys are, but funnier,

because unlike male comedy,
we actually have

something new to say.

- Hey.
- That was beautiful.

Yeah, I love that.

Amanda Gorman here.

How about we take
a few pictures?

Oh, finally.

Oh, my God.

Who wants to do
Charlie's Angels with me?

You know what would be
a really great pose?

You standing directly behind me.

- Oh.
- Ready? 6, 7, 8.

♪ On the cellie,
get you with my selfie ♪

And the weird thing is,
he was right.

Totally forgettable croutons.

All croutons are forgettable.

Threes.

Ay oh, bio bro's got hops.

I see why you're dating him now.

We are not dating.

Well, he's kind of hot.

Sorry I called him
a human filing cabinet.

Whit, what's up?

- Stay with me, please.
- Hell no.

- He didn't say my name.
- Mm...

Hey.

Wow, you in athletic shorts...

That's not something
I ever thought I'd see.

- Yeah, take this in.
- Remember it.

So I had fun
on our date last night.

We should do it again.

Yeah, we can talk
about that later,

but first, you need
to witness me on this court.

Yeah.

You know playing soccer
doesn't make you

automatically good
at every sport, right?

Oh, I bet you couldn't
take me one on one.

Okay, I was voted MVP
on my junior varsity team

three years in a row.

- Really?
- Wow.

They do MVP on JV teams?

That's adorable.

Okay, let's do this.

Actually, you know what?
sh**t it, yeah.

- Oh, just take it?
- 100%.

- Yeah, I don't believe in that.
- Oh, okay.

It's not... it's not going in.

- That's fair.
- That's fine. Yeah.

Ooh.
Bet you believe in it now, huh?

Yeah.

Ah!

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Oh-ho-ho!

♪ Pick it up, pick it up ♪

- Whoops!
- Oh, sorry!

Oh, she really...

♪ And 19
no skill can measure ♪

♪ Oh, baby,
that's precious ♪

♪ Oh, baby, that's precious ♪

♪ Cause it don't get
no better ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

♪ This one ♪

♪ This one's off the charts ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ ♪

I've never been
to an econ banquet before.

Lots of vests.

♪ ♪

- Hmm.
- I'm having fun though.

- Cool.
- I'm glad.

Oh, before I forget.

Could I borrow $3?
I have to pee,

but I've been avoiding
the bathroom

because I don't have cash
to tip the attendant.

You can still go.

Okay, everybody, get excited.

It's time we gave out
some awards.

Ooh.

First up is
the Marin Koljan Award,

which is awarded once a year

to the student
that most embodies

a moral and ethical approach
to entrepreneurship.

This year's winner is
an incredible student

who, in addition
to finishing at the top

- of three of my classes...
- Wow.

Also founded
a charitable start up

that helps to offset
the crippling cost

of Alzheimer's treatments,

an issue that is sadly near
and dear to his family.

Damn, Canaan,
for your sake, I hope

you don't have to follow
this guy.

This year's winner
is Canaan Greene.

- Wait.
- That was you?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Wait, who are you dressed as?

Was Elle Woods q*eer?

No, this isn't a costume.

The only time I'd ever consider
dressing on theme

is for the Met Gala.

Who are you supposed to be?

Carol.

From the movie "Carol."

No?

So you have never been
here before.

Not once.

Okay, well, I am excited

to show you around.

Oh, Ginger, Tova,
you guys look great.

Thank you.

This is Tatum.

I'm not dressed up.

Well, Tova, I am obsessed
with your Mr. Peanut costume.

I'm not dressed like a peanut.

I'm Marlene Dietrich

That... that is my bad.
The hat threw me off.

- Told you.
- M&M, peanut.

Food groups,
people think food groups.

Maybe try a German accent.

Hey, Carol, hold me closer,
tall blond dancers.

Okay, Elton.

Yeah, you know,
a little known fact:

The I in Elton
actually stands for lesbian.

- Ah.
- Well, Alicia, this is Tatum.

And, Tatum, this is Alicia.

Oh, it is so nice to meet you.

Just so you know, I usually wear

way bigger sunglasses than this.

Fun party.

I love all the rainbows.

So on the nose.

Thank you.

You know, Leighton actually
had this great idea

to have a silent auction
to help us raise money.

So please, feel free to buy
something or everything.

Well, we will take a look.

We're gonna announce
all the winners at 10:00.

Oh, we'll be long gone by then.

Or maybe we'll still be here.

Let's go get a drink.

We will see you around?

Of course.

All right, have fun, guys.

Wow.

♪ I will never be
what you need of me ♪

Jess is never on campus,
so it's gonna to be impossible.

Oh, hey, Bela.

Thanks for coming by
on such short notice.

I just want to get your eyes
on the "Foxy" profile

before we went to press,

see if you have any corrections.

- Yeah, of course.
- And if I see any mistakes,

should I just yell
"Stop the presses" or...

Yeah, please don't yell that.

Here it is.

Whoa.

Yeah, I think
it's my finest work

since I ranked all the murals
on campus

by how r*cist they are.

No, I mean, this looks
more like a profile of me

than "The Foxy" as a whole.

Yeah, I tried
to spread it around,

but your quotes were funnier
and more passionate.

You were also the loudest,

which may have factored
into things.

I guess I'm just worried
that the other editors

might feel a little left out.

Well, if you want, I can use
this group photo instead.

And I can add in a few more
quotes from the other girls

to even it out.

I don't know.

- Whatever you want.
- Just tell me.

I have to write, like,
20 alumni obituaries,

and there's not that
many ways to say

"dead white businessman."

- Let's keep it as it is.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Great, cool.

Thanks.

♪ Ever, ever, ever, ever ♪

Hey, thanks again for coming.

Oh, my gosh, my pleasure.

Thanks for letting me
eat your dessert.

No problem.

It was brutal watching
the server tell you

the flowers on the plate
weren't edible.

♪ ♪

Should we...

Sure.

♪ ♪

♪ Cold breath... ♪

Hey, so why'd you never tell me

about your mom's Alzheimer's?

Sick parents
don't usually come up

- casually in conversation.
- Really?

I told you about my dad's gout
on the first day of work.

I remember.

Those photos
will haunt me forever.

♪ So high ♪

- ♪ So high ♪
- I don't know.

It's not much to tell, really.

She spent most of her time
taking care of us,

so it's time for us
to take care of her.

Oh, and her name is Paulette,

and she loves Judge Judy reruns.

- Is that what you meant?
- Yes.

Okay.

Well, if you need anything,
ever, I'm here.

I appreciate that.

♪ When it storms ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I'm just waiting
for the... ♪

Leighton, remember
when we said a safe word

- to say when we want to leave?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I potassium need us to get

our potassiums out of here,

or I won't potassium
you tonight.

- Hey, sure.
- I get it.

I just... I think I should bid

on something before we leave.

It's kind of cute they thought

they could raise money
by auctioning off things

that are arguably garbage.

I mean, what is this other
than being f*cking ugly?

That's a pinch pot
I made in pottery class.

It took me 70 hours.

Well, I love it so much.

I will not let
anyone else have it.

- $200?
- Wow.

- Thanks, Leighton.
- Yeah.

Do you want 10 more
that didn't turn out as good?

Oh, I'll let you know.

Okay.

- Okay.
- So I can tell you're mad.

I guess I'm the assh*le now?

Yeah, you are being
kind of an assh*le.

You don't know Ginger.

She is gonna be unpacking that
in therapy

for the rest of her life.

I am sorry, but this place

smells like a wet thrift shop.

I'm surprised
you like it so much.

Maybe you don't know me
as well as you think.

Sure, these people make crafts
like child mental patients,

but they are my friends,
and I don't like

how judgmental
you're being right now.

This, coming from a person
who once bragged

about being more judgmental
than me.

- Yep.
- Well, maybe dating you

has made me realize

that the things we have
in common are the things

that I want
to change about myself.

Y'all okay?

- Uh, yeah.
- I'm good.

I just want to focus
on having a good time.

Oh, you want
to have a good time?

- Yep.
- Well, get ready

for some karaoke,
because I think

that Eleanor Roosevelt
and Frida Kahlo

are about to duet
on "The Boy is Mine."

Ah.

- Come on.
- Okay.

♪ And I'm just waiting
for this house to burn down ♪

- Well, that was really fun.
- Mm.

- You're welcome to stay.
- Sorry I only have one pillow.

Oh, that's okay.

But what are you gonna sleep on?

I just never would have guessed

that you and I would be
together, dating.

I like it.

Come here.

Oh, okay.

Thanks for such a nice evening.

You actually had a good time
at that nerd fest?

I had a great time.

And I saw you having
a good time, too,

so you're the nerd, nerd.

Oh, okay.

All right, this is me.

Thanks again.

Yeah.

- Hey?
- Yeah.

Thank you,
not just for coming with me,

but for encouraging me to go.

You're a good friend.

So are you.

♪ ♪

- Good night.
- Good night.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Whoa.

They finally cast
a Black James Bond.

It's about damn time.

Oh, congrats, by the way.

Kimberly told me.

It was pretty awesome.

It's no big deal.

No, it is a big deal.

I'm proud of you.

I appreciate you.

Where are you coming from?

Oh, just studying at Willow's.

I should probably get home.

Okay.

Good night.

Yeah.

♪ I always talk
about doom and gloom ♪

♪ But maybe there's
a silver lining ♪

♪ To my jet black attitude ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ But lately
I've been losing sleep ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ But if you're coming
over... ♪

♪ We're staying up ♪

Hey.

How was tonight?

I think we should break up.

W-What?

♪ Yeah, you say
you've always got me ♪

♪ That you'll never go
and turn your back ♪

♪ Maybe you're
the silver lining ♪

♪ The cure
to my heart att*ck ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Lately, I've been
feeling like a mess ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ But if you're coming over ♪

♪ We're staying up late ♪

♪ never leaving this bed ♪

♪ You're keeping me safe,
covers over my head ♪

♪ If I'm a grenade,
I guess you're my pin ♪

♪ Holding me together
till it all blows up ♪

♪ Till it all caves in ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If I'm a grenade,
I guess you're my pin ♪

♪ Holding it together
till it all blows up ♪

♪ Till it all caves in ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Till it all blows up,
till it all caves in ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Till it all caves in ♪

Go to bed.