02x01 - ..Or Die Trying

[bunniefuu]

I love you, Mommy.

MAN: This is our target --
the nuclear power plant.

If we capture the plane
at precisely the right moment,

they will not have time
to sh**t down the aircraft.

MAN:
If they hit that power plant

with that aircraft,

the casualties could be
in the hundreds of thousands.

God help us all.

ANNOUNCER: ...except...

What? What is this CPT?

WOMAN:
That means the plane is gonna

get here when it gets here.

ANNOUNCER: They picked the wrong airline.

And don't come up here
complaining and sh*t.

You m*therf*ckers wanna
come on here

and act a g*dd*mn fool?

I'm about to go on break.

You m*therf*cking t*rrorists
k*ll me.

ANNOUNCER: Come see why black incompetence...

Hey, hey, shorty!

Whoo, whoo!

g*dd*mn, that bitch
phat as a m*therf*cker.

...is our funniest w*apon in the w*r on terror.

We can't let you through,
homey.

Hey, this is O*ama b*n L*den
nephew, n*gga.

Well, I-- I'm --
I'm once removed. I-I--

No --
I just f*cking with you, dawg.

Go ahead, n*gga.

ANNOUNCER: Starring Gary Anthony Williams.

But you know what they say --
when it's your time to go,

it's your time to go. John Witherspoon.

What if it's the m*therf*cker
next to me time to go? Huh?

Mo'Nique.
It's very important

this plane leave on time.

Damn. Now, are you yelling
at me or sh1tting at me?

Snoop Dogg.
h*jacked?

Them n*gg*s ain't getting
my wizzie fo' shizzle, n*gga.

You know what I'm saying? And Cent

as Air Marshal Cent.

I'll stop
those t*rrorists...

or die trying.

Get ready. This time, it's going down.

This is a hijacking.
Remain in your seats --

No, this n*gga
didn't.

We have a b*mb on the aircraft.

Everyone remain --

I'm about to go
get dressed.

We gonna fly on the
Soul Plane!

GRANDDAD:
Riley, hurry up.

We gonna fly on
the Soul Plane!

And make sure you pee
before we leave.

I ain't gonna miss my movie

going to the bathroom
with you.

I'm gonna let you go in there
by yourself

and get molested
by a nasty white man.

What's wrong with you?

I don't wanna go to the movie.
Why not?

I don't ever wanna go
to the movies with you again.

Not after
what happened last time.

What happened last time?

We got arrested. And sh*t at.

Ah. Racism.

Daddy said I can go
to the movies,

but he said I'm not allowed
to see Soul Plane.

Good. You don't wanna go
to the movies with him.

He's crazy.
Hush.

Can't see Soul Plane?
Why, little baby?

Because of the types
of stereos or something.

Types of stereos?

Oh. No, no, no,
little baby doll.

This is a good theater.
They have THX.

She means stereotypes.

Stereotypes? In Soul Plane?
That's nonsense.

Say, how about we tell
your daddy

we saw something else, hm?

You mean...lie?

That really doesn't seem to be
a good idea.

Hush, boy.

You know,

it's okay to break
the rules

every once
in a while.

I won't tell
if you won't.

Okay. Hee-hee.

HUEY: Sometimes I think Granddad may be a bad influence.

Hey, Riley. Don't forget
the camcorder.

Now, the first Soul Plane
was funny.

Pfft. About as funny
as a lynching.

Oh, hush, boy.
You ain't even see it.

I never seen
a lynching, either,

but I know
they not funny.

See? Shows what you know.
I've seen funny lynchings.

No, you haven't.
I have so.

Roscoe Patterson's lynching
was funny.

Yeah, so them
n*gg*s was like,

"Roscoe, you better
leaves town

"before Mr. Charlie
and them crackers

gonna come for you."

I'm like, "Man,
f*ck them crackers, man.

This is Roscoe Patterson."
n*gga, I don't give a f*ck.

I just don't
give a f*ck.

Know what I'm saying?
White man can eat a d*ck.

Eat my balls,
n*gga.

MAN: There he is!
Get that n*gg*r.

Uh-oh.

Come on,
let's go!

MAN: Oh, sh**t, he's fast!
Watch out!

It, uh, wasn't really
funny after that.

Mm-mm.

This is gonna be so much fun.

This is going to be...

...the worst day
of your life.

I'm bringing nunchucks.

Huh?

Here, put these coats on.

Huh?

GRANDDAD:
Here you go.

What is it?

It's pinto beans
and neck bones.

Now put this meat loaf
and gravy under your shirt.

Why don't we just get treats
from the concession stand?

You think I'm paying $
for some popcorn?

You must be out
of your damn mind.

Are we allowed
to bring in food?

Of course we're allowed to.

It's my food, isn't it?
I paid for it.

That means I can eat it
when and where I want.

Boy, put this pot roast in
your pants or you ain't eating.

Oh, this is nothing.
He's just getting started.

HUEY: Robert Jebediah Freeman

had sworn a lifetime intifada

against the movie theater industry

for exorbitant prices and poor customer service,

which, interestingly enough,

did not stop him from going to see movies.

Okay, g*ng.
Keep your eyes open.

Open for what?

We're sneaking in.

That's not true,
little baby.

I bought my tickets online.
Scout's honor.

Look. Granddad.

I got some money saved.
The movie will be on me.

Now, you put that away,
boy.

These movie devils
ain't getting

any more of our money.

Mm-mm.

Uh...Mr. Freeman?

It says, "No outside food,"
little girl.

That's why we keep it
inside our clothes.

Are you sure
this is legal?

Okay, everybody, look alive now.
Here's our chance.

I understand
you need your job,

but you're still
a human being with dignity.

Yeah, I mean,
look at this uniform, man.

I look like
a f*cking dork.

Why would they make me dress
like this?

What did I do
to them, huh?

You should take action.

Ah. What can I do?

Have you ever thought about
forming a union?

What's a "union"?

MAN:
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

I paid.
I got my ticket.

Yeah, yeah. I got
a ticket for you.

A one-way ticket
to "Get the hell

out of here, n*gro"
land.

Go on! Move it!

n*gga, you gay.

How about that?

Another victory
of the common man

over corporate greed.

You're not advancing
any struggle

by being cheap,
Granddad.

I'll advance my belt
on your behind

if you don't shut
your ass.

Oh, my God.

I didn't pay
to get in the movie.

Uh, yes, we did. I --
I ordered my tickets online.

Who got the neck bones?

No, you didn't.

We snuck in.

We stole a movie.

Now, who makes the rules?

Grownups, right?

And I'm grown up,
and I say it's okay.

We're gonna
get caught.

We're gonna
get caught.

I should call my daddy
and turn myself in.

Oh, yeah?
You gonna tell him

what you came to see, huh?

I bet he'd like
to know that.

Maybe I should make
a phone call.

No. Please, no.

Good. Now just
calm down.

Try some mashed potatoes.
Who got the popcorn?

I do, Granddad.

Ow! Hey.

What the hell is wrong
with you?

What am I gonna do
with raw popcorn?

You're gonna ruin my dentures.

Whew. Damn, can't watch
a movie without popcorn.

Now I gotta spend
all my damn money

on a bucket
of popcorn.

Told you.

Oh. Help me.

I'll give you anything. Ah!

ANNOUNCER: Don't steal movies.

GRANDDAD: Damn.

Large freshly popped popcorn,
please. And lots of butter.

Anything else?

I asked
for butter on it.

Butter's over there.

I don't wanna put the butter
on it. Why can't you do it?

You're supposed to
put the butter on it.

I don't wanna
put the butter on it.

I'm already paying $
for this bullshit popcorn.

I will not demean myself

by putting butter
on popcorn.

Why? It's really easy.
Why?

Because I don't work at
the movie theater, that's why.

You're supposed to put
the butter on it.

If I go to Burger King
and order a cheeseburger,

they don't make me put
the cheese on it, do

they, g*dd*mn it!

I see, I see. Just 'cause
your skin is light, bright,

and two shades
from being white,

you think you too good
to butter your own popcorn.

Well, you wrong,
Lando Calrissian.

Damn it, Ruckus. Y'all gonna
put some butter on this popcorn.

We put our lives on the line
every day to make movies,

and then people come along
and steal all that hard work.

Who would do something
like that?

A terrible, awful human being
that no one will ever love.

That's who.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Stuntman.

Hey. Get to the flick.

What happened
to the movies?

Y'all should be
ashamed.

Why is it
when I order a soda pop,

I get a empty cup?

I didn't order
a empty cup.

I ordered a soda pop.

And what assh*le started putting
commercials in movies?

I can see commercials
at home on TV.

And the bathroom stink.
Clean the f*cking bathroom!

I'm not gonna
take it anymore!

I pay too much damn money
for these movie tickets

to butter my own
m*therf*cking popcorn!

It's only popcorn.

When did you
get here?

Huh?

Well, I been at
the ticket window all day long,

and I don't remember you
buying no ticket,

Robert Freeman.

Uh, I-I-I got my tickets
online.

Aha! A damn lie.

I ain't never
met a n*gga

smart enough to use
a personal computer.

Not even a Macintosh.

Uh...

You'll never take me alive,
you punk-asses.

RUCKUS:
Stop him!

Come on, come on.

He went this-a way.

Mm-hmm.

Whew.
Did I miss anything?

Mr. Freeman...

I don't wanna steal the movie.

I wanna go home!

Shh!

What's wrong with you?

I wanna go home.

You wasn't saying that
back at the house, was you?

Was you? Because you wanted
to see Soul Plane .

Well, this is how
we see Soul Plane .

I repeat, the t*rror1st said
his name is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,

and he's demanding
that we --

Hell, no, I ain't fitting to ask him

for his m*therf*cking autograph.

HUEY: An hour into the movie,

I wasn't sure how much more I could take.

MAN: We out of food, but we got

one bag of 'tato chips.

Yo. Look out.

Pass this bag of potato chips around.

Please take one. Pass it...

He's in here.
I know Robert.

He don't miss a co*n flick.

What is it?
What's happening?

Shh. Don't make a sound.

: Ooh.
Damn.

Let's go check Madea's Bat Mitzvah.

MAN: Attention, please, passengers.

If you left the toilet seat up in the restroom...

Officer,
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to steal
from the stuntman.

What were you about to do?

You were about to rat on us,
weren't you?

This is what the movie theater
industry wants, Jazmine.

Us fighting against
each other.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, no.
There's no turning back now.

You're in it
all the way.

Now you're gonna get your little
narrow, high-yellow ass

back into the theater
and enjoy Soul Plane .

I...wanna...go...home!

Shut up.

You're ruining
my innocence!

Shut up.

MAN: I expected to fly first-class.

I wanna go home.

MAN : Well, you ain't in first class.

Look at this.

Granddad. What's wrong
with Jazmine?

She's fine.
Watch the movie.

Oh, that's crazy.

Look at this.
I...wanna...go...home.

HUEY: Granddad had to be stopped.

I'm gonna put an end
to this...

or die trying.

HUEY: And so did this movie.

Fortunately, I thought of a way to do both.

Move, n*gga.

Where you going?
They're looking for us.

Huey, come back.

Oh, this is crazy.
Colored folks are something.

HUEY: My plan was to get to the projector room

and destroy the print of Soul Plane.

First, I had to go to the bathroom.

Jazmine, you're missing
all the best parts.

I'm not watching
a stolen movie.

Oh, well.
If you don't wanna laugh.

Oh, that's crazy.
What's so funny?

Oh, nothing. Hilarity
just ensued, that's all.

It did?

Oh. Oh. Oh!

That was funny.

Hm? Ah.

RUCKUS:
It's about impossible

to find his black ass

in this dark theater.

Yo. I think we need
to shake the spizzot.

Huh? What?

Forget Jazmine. Let's go.
But we couldn't.

She the weak link.
She'll slow us down.

I mean, how could we?
Look, she a little girl.

They're not gonna give her
no real time.

She do what?
A couple months, tops.

But we both got priors.
We gots to go.

Come on, Granddad.
We running out of time.

Sometimes,

in order to save the day,

people have to sacrifice
themselves,

you know what
I'm saying?

Oh, Air Marshal Cent.

You're so brave

to sacrifice yourself
to save us.

Not me, bitch. You.

Oh! Wait! Oh. Oh.

Hey. Hold this.
We be right back.

Okay.

Exactly. See,
what Marx is saying

is that the oppression
of the proletariat

is an essential facet
of the exploitation

inherent in the system.

So therefore,
due to the class --

You little
half-and-half.

HUEY: Oh, man.

He's in there.

What--? What happened
to my--?

Damn.

He's right there!

Hey!

GUARD: Yeah.

RUCKUS: Ah...

I been waiting
on this day

since your little uppity ass
came into town.

You won't k*ll me, Air Marshal Cent.

You'll only die trying.

Or, uh, I'm, uh--

Or...

Or I'm gonna die...

trying.

What? What?

You thought you was the only one

who mastered the ancient
and deadly art of the nunchaku?

Here's .

Ah...

Come, n*gro-san.

That was great, Granddad.

Boy, I wish we could've seen
the end of that movie.

I don't know.

I feel bad for leaving Huey
and what's-her-name.

They knew the risks.

So they might do
a little time.

We see 'em when they get out.

Uh...it doesn't seem right.

I'm going back
and turning myself in.

Turn yourself--?
Man--

Granddad, look, come on.

I mean, I love Huey.
Almost like a brother.

But what's done is done.
We got to let go of the past.

If he don't come back,
can I have his side of the room?

Ah, come on, Granddad.

You supposed to be setting
a better example.

You just wait till
the manager gets here.

He gonna throw the book
at both of y'all.

This is
the worst day...

of my entire life.

Told you.

Here's the guardian
for the kids.

That's right,
Ruckus.

We snuck
into the movie, too.

We? You said you was gonna
turn yourself in.

Please. Let the kids go.
I'll take responsibility.

Look like y'all
all going down.

The manager's
not coming.

Cinema's closed
indefinitely.

Looks like everyone walked out.
Something about a union.

What?
The manager ain't coming?

Well, call the police.

The FBI.
Homeland Security.

You mean,
we gonna let

this African hooliganism
go unpunished?

You have problems, Mr. Freeman,
and you need help.

Thanks for coming back...

eventually.

Yo, you need to stop
snitching, Granddad.

Ah. Ow. Hey.

Why don't you call
social services

and turn yourself in
for child abuse?

Hey, man.

You guys unionized and staged
a walkout that quickly?

That's amazing.

Oh, yeah.
We unionized.

Then someone called
the corporate headquarters,

and they shut down
the whole place.

Fired everybody.

Oh.

Well, um...

power to the people?

f*ck you.

Well, that's that.

I think we all learned
a valuable lesson today

about stealing movies.

Buy the bootleg.

Or just download it
from the Internet

like everybody else.

Hey. Can you guys wait
here a sec?

There's something
I need to take care of.