02x04 - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back

[bunniefuu]

If y'all was paying
attention last season,

y'all know
what a n*gga moment is.

A n*gga moment is when the mind

of a perfectly logical
black man

is overwhelmed
by some stupid n*gga sh*t.

Like when a n*gga steps up
on your sneaker

and fucks up your kicks,
or hits your car or some sh*t.

And the n*gga get mad

like it's your fault,
like you f*cked up.

So his ignorance
makes you act crazy.

And the next thing you know,
n*gg*s is beefing,

sh**ting, fighting,
and somebody ends up dead.

But yo, not even death
can stop a n*gga moment.

He was the baddest m*therf*cker
that hell had ever seen.

Colonel m*therf*cking
Stinkmeaner,

holler at your boy,
I gets money.

He trained like a beast.

Y'all gonna have
to kick me out of this bitch.

I'm having the time of my life.

He was so bad,
he even called me,

the devil himself, a-

Bitch-ass n*gga!

This is how you break your foot
off in a m*therf*cker's ass.

Hyah! Hyah!

Ah! You baldheaded
devil monks

are trying to swarm
on a n*gga, huh?

You just got a two-piece combo
and biscuit, ho.

? I got three-stick nunchucks?

Gotcha, n*gga.

I see ya.

I feel it.

Stinkmeaner,
your heart of darkness

has earned you a trip back.

You have my blessings
to exact vengeance

on the Freeman family

and to spread
ignorance and chaos

in the black community.

They will be no match
for you.

Ah! Hell ain't sh*t.

I'm gonna get you, Freeman!

? I am the stone
The builder refused ?

? I am the visual
The inspiration ?

? That made lady
Sing the blues ?

? I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ?

? The same spark
That lights the dark ?

? So that you can know
Left from right ?

? I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ?

? The inner glow
That lets you know ?

? To call your brother sun ?

? The story that just begun ?

? The promise
Of what's to come ?

? And I'm 'a remain a soldier ?

? Till the w*r is won
Won ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop ?

Mm-hm.

Mm! Wow, so she's
on my friends list?

Yup, she your very first
cyber friend

and you're her millionth.

Yeah, boy! I love technology.

My granddad recently
discovered online dating.

You should post more pics.

Ho's love pictures, Granddad.

I'm starting to feel
like Shemar Moore up in here.

Hoo! Boy, let's get
some music on.

Turn on the My-pod
and let's get on the I-space.

Hey, which outfit
you want next, Granddad?

The leather vest.
The one with the rhinestones.

Granddad, I...

I can come back.

Boy, get over here
and take this picture.

Now, what's wrong with you?
Why the long face?

I had a bad dream about...

Talk and sh**t
at the same time, boy.

Granddad, you want
"b*at It" or "Thriller"?

Mmm, that's a tough one.

Take 'em back
and go get my purple Speedo.

Purple Speedo?
That's gay.

All right, boy,
so you had a bad dream.

It was a really bad dream
about...

I don't see the purple one.

Did you check
the Speedo drawer?

Go ahead, boy.
Bad dream and...?

It was about Stinkmeaner.

Leopard print's
all I could find.

Oh, man.

Damn, these things are tight.
What about Stinkmeaner?

He was in hell, and he was
coming back to get us.

Stinkmeaner? Don't be crazy.

That old man that Granddad
k*lled for no reason?

No reason?
That man was a psycho.

He almost k*lled
your granddaddy.

He was blind.
You k*lled a blind old man.

Colonel Stinkmeaner
was a menace.

And I sent him to hell
where he belongs.

Yeah, Granddad,
real tough with the handicapped.

He probably gonna b*at up
some Ret*rded kids next.

This Ret*rded man
gonna whup your ass,

that's what he's gonna do.

Wait- You know what I meant!
What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah, your dream.

Look, boy,

Stinkmeaner ain't coming back.

He can't hurt you or me
or any of us, okay?

Now, let's get one more picture.

Some people are scared
of zombies or vampires,

but the thing that scare
black people the most

are n*gg*s and n*gga moments.

Tom DuBois was as far
from a n*gga

as a black man could be.

But Stinkmeaner knew
that every black man's spirit

is weakened
during a n*gga moment.

What the-?!

Oh, come on, you n-
Nincompoop.

You can't do that!
Hey, come on.

n*gga moments can happen
to any black man at any time.

Hey, I- That was my space.

I had my blinker on
and everything.

f*ck you, punk-ass,
bougie-ass, hook-ass n*gga!

I'll b*at
your m*therf*cking ass, n*gga!

Don't never in your life
ever try to holler at me.

f*ck with me, n*gga,
and I'll be popping a trunk

on your bitch ass, n*gga.

Get my m*therf*cking U*i.

What did you say, n*gga?!

You know what, m*therf*cker?

Eat a d*ck, n*gga.
I'm tired of this mo...

Oh, yeah, look at ya.

You was popping all that
good sh*t a second ago.

Then you got kicked
in your chest.

You eat a d*ck, n*gga,
you eat a d*ck!

Oh- Oh, my God.

Sir, are you okay?

Who did this to you?
What-? What did he look like?

Did- Did anyone see
who accosted this man?

I got a date?
I can't believe it.

Of course you got
a date, Granddad.

Everything on your page
is a lie.

No, it is not.

Granddad, you don't skydive,

you're not Brazilian,

and you never was
a member of G-Unit.

Mind your damn business.

And she probably a man.
Shut up.

So, Mrs. Wong,

there you were
not carjacking Mr. Teskinelli,

b*ating him senseless
with a nine iron,

stealing his wallet
and driving his car

into the hosiery section
of the JCPenney?

Correct.

I have no further questions.

Now, Mrs. Wong,
let me ask you a question.

What's good, n*gga?

Ahhh!

Oh, my God.

Excuse me,
Mr. DuBois?

Ahem. Well, I-I said, um...

What's really good?

Is there something really good

you'd like to share
with the court, Mr. DuBois?

f*ck your court, n*gga!

Mr. DuBois!
f*ck your court, n*gga!

f*ck your court!

Lady Liberty's got balls!

Oh, no.

What's good, n*gga?!

Meanwhile, I couldn't
shake the feeling

that an evil force
was gathering.

I must be crazy.

Nah, you ain't crazy.

Stinkmeaner's coming back.
But Stinkmeaner d*ed.

What you gonna tell me,
ghosts don't exist?

Then what the f*ck
do I look like?

Ghostface Killah
isn't even dead.

Now, you say what you want,

that goofy-looking m*therf*cker
is coming back.

Your granddad's n*gga moment
ain't dead yet.

But what am I supposed to do?

If death can't stop Stinkmeaner,
what can?

Think about it. Peace.

Look, Granddad,
I'm really worried about...

Watch it, boy,
don't step on my roses.

Then why you putting them
on the floor?

But, anyway, I know
this is gonna sound crazy,

but I really think
Stinkmeaner's...

Oh, hush, boy,
I ain't got time for that.

Now, it's date night
and you know the rules.

You get in that room.

I don't care
if you hear scream

and feel the house shake
like a earthquake.

You don't leave.
Now, git!

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, honey.

Oh, yeah!

I think I wanna have
sexual relations.

Tom, what's gotten into you?

Same thing
that's about to get into you.

Oh, Tom!

Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna make it do
what it do.

Oh, Tom!

? Under your praised eyelid ?

? She came to her senses ?

? And she started to... ?

Well, I'm in the studio
with Snoop Doggy Dogg

and Tha Pound tonight.

? In shades of rose... ?

But how about, uh,
tomorrow, cutie pie?

Semicolon,
right parenthesis. Mm.

Ha!

What the-?

Who's out there?
Boys! Boys, help me.

I'm back, n*gga!
Oh, what the-?

Oh, my Lord!

What the
f*ck's wrong with you?!

Tom, just don't try
to hurt me!

Oh, Lordy Lord.

What the hell?!
Tom, what's going on?

Tom, go away!
I'm gonna call the police.

Did you hear that?

Man, I can't hear nothing
over Granddad's gay-ass music.

Look out, new message.

Ah, man. It's an old dude
with his shirt off.

Wait, that's Granddad.
Ooh, he in the bathroom.

Probably just ran out
of toiler paper again.

I ain't getting it
for him neither. Nope.

Why would he send
a message from-?

Hey!

What the hell?
Tom, what's going on?

Oh, my goodness,
the man is crazy.

Oh, you running?

What's going on?
Oh, help me, son.

Help me, help me.
Come on.

Oh, my goodness,
some black people are crazy.

Oh, yeah!
Here comes the pain.

Oh! Ahhh!

Goodness gracious to life.

Tom, what's wrong with you?

You on that stuff?
Snap out of it, Tom.

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

You don't remember me?
You don't remember my name?

What's my name, n*gga?

"Ahhh" ain't my name.

My mama didn't name "Ahhh. "

What's my name, n*gga?
What's my name?!

Stinkmeaner.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

That's right, n*gga.

Mr. DuBois?

I don't know how
you got here, Stinkmeaner,

but you're going
back to hell.

Oh, yeah!
I'm going back.

And I'm taking y'all with me

in the first-class cabin
on the ass-whupping express.

All aboard. Whoo-whoo!

Yeah.

You ain't too n*gga to get
that ass whupped. Uh-huh.

Bring it on, Huey.

Whoo, come on.
Come on, braids.

All right, here we go.

Is that all you got?

Get a bar.

Get your bars up, n*gga.

Yeah!

Whoa!
Yeah, I got you now.

Get off me, you bitch ass,
you f*gg*t ass!

Not the lamp. No.

Damn it, boy. You know
how much that lamp cost?

I'm a-k*ll you.

You b*at me
in the parking lot.

Not the vase. No!

I want my parking space.

Boy, not the geisha. It's-
It's a collectable.

That's what you
get, m*therf*cker.

Punching me in my stomach.

Why we gotta put
the n*gga in my bed?

What the hell got into Tom?

He's possessed
by the ghost of Stinkmeaner.

Remember the dream I had?

Boy, don't nobody
listen to you.

My bed ain't
the only bed up in here.

Should we take him
to the doctor?

What if he pees in the bed
or vomit, or sh**t a deuce?

Oh, Lordy Lord, my date.

Granddad,

Tom is possessed
by an evil spirit

and just tried to k*ll us.

Lives are at stake.

Coming.

Well, hello, cutie pie.

Well, hello.

Uh, sorry about earlier.

I was rushing, and...

Oh, I think men who are
comfortable with their bodies

are very sexy,

especially men
with big round bellies.

Really?

And I like to cook,
mostly pork.

I like to clean too.
Wow.

You're not a man, are you?

No.

Robert Freeman!

Darling, all the women
of my cultu...

Come here and fight
like a man, you bad n*gga!

Who is that?

I don't hear anything.

I know you hear me, Robert!

I know you hear me!
Ain't this a bitch.

I will not be ignored!
Got a possessed n*gga here,

and Granddad's
worried about a date.

Get off me!
You got a date, Robert?!

Did you tell her that you got
two sets of genitals?

A vag*na and a coochie.
Oh, that's a conjunction.

What is going on?

Oh- Oh, that?
That's just the television.

Boys, turn
the television down!

This ain't no TV show, n*gga.
This is real talk, n*gga.

My friends warned me that there
were weirdoes on MySpace.

Wait, no. That's just the TV.

It's not the fact
that you obviously have a man

possessed by an evil spirit
strapped to a bed upstairs.

It's not?
No.

It's the fact
that you lied about it.

Huh?

You better leave.

You've reached
the national headquarters

of the Catholic Church.

No one is available
to take your call.

If you would like to report
sexual abuse-

Damn, there's got to be somebody
we can call for an exorcism.

You is a bitch!

May white God bless you,
Robert.

I came as fast as I could.

So this is the plan...
Uncle Ruckus.

Let's get this party started.

? Oh, yeah?

You got bad credit, Robert!

Removing an evil-n*gga
spirit from a n*gro is

as hard as removing the stank
from a hunk of sh*t.

We must use these tools
that the great God

has given us to fight n*gg*s.

A whip, a noose,
a nightstick, a branding iron.

These things strike fear
into a n*gga's heart.

A job application.

Avoid conversation
with the n*gga.

You ain't right, Robert.

The n*gga will lie.
The n*gga will make excuses.

He will use words
he don't really know.

If he gets really desperate,
he may start to rap or dance.

You all, uh,
testicles and no shaft.

Ah, yeah.

What happened to your shaft?

There's powerful niggadry
at work here.

Who in the hell are you?!

n*gga, my name is Reverend
Father Uncle Ruckus.

No relation.

In the name of white Jesus

and all great white men
who have come thereafter,

I command thy black n*gga soul
back to the depths of hell.

Is that all you got, n*gga?

Oh, no, n*gg*r.

That's just the tip
of this iceberg.

Read, n*gga, read!

No!

Whoa!

Now, Robert, now.
Just hit him with anything.

Come on, everybody join in.

Use your powerful hands.
This is gonna be funny.

Let's whup this n*gga's ass.

Repeat after me
the holy phrase:

n*gga, get your black ass
outta here.

n*gga, get your black ass
outta here.

Yeah, take
that you black cricket.

n*gga, get your
black ass outta here.

n*gga, get your black ass
outta here.

I'm a-join in too.

n*gga, get your
black ass out of here.

Keep going!

n*gga, get your
black ass outta here.

This isn't an exorcism,
it's a b*ating.

There's very little difference.

n*gga, get your
black ass outta here.

Ah, you n*gg*s ain't sh*t!

Your mothers ain't sh*t.

Several hours later,
the exorcism of Tom DuBois

had made
no recognizable progress.

Is the n*gga still in him?

As long as he's black
and breathing,

he's got n*gga in him.

Ow!

What the f*ck
is wrong with you, Huey?

You Ret*rded? You gonna
b*at the man's brains in

and what you gonna say
to the cops?

"Sorry, officer,
we k*lled the n*gga

'cause he had
a evil spirit"?

Ghost, it's late.

Can you just tell me what to do,
so I can go to bed?

I can't believe you haven't
figured this sh*t out yet.

Peace.

You got imaginary friends?

Peace? Peace? Peace.

Stinkmeaner, you hate
black people, don't you?

I sure do.

I mean, I hate
everyone in general,

but black people especially.

And- And, Ruckus,
you hate black people too.

I wouldn't exactly call them
people, but yeah.

Yeah, I have a deep distaste
for Negroids.

Right, right. And, Stinkmeaner,
I bet you hate rap music.

If you can call that old

stanky-booty
gorilla noise "music. "

Heh-heh. "Stanky-booty. "

I must say that's a brilliant
observation, 'Meaner.

I had forgotten,
a n*gga moment

cannot be resolved
through v*olence.

But where there's harmony
and peace-

What? What's happening?!

No! You tricked me.

-a n*gga moment
cannot exist.

No! You tricked me!

I'm gonna get you eventually,
Robert.

You hear me, n*gga?!

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

Well, another n*gga

successfully exorcised
and/or beaten.

I'll send you
an invoice, Robert.

Possessed or not,
you gonna fix my damn house.

You gonna have another demon,

it's gonna be my foot
up your ass.

Why am I in Riley's bed?

You know, that's
a real good question.

Why are you in my bed?

All the beds in this house

and I got the possessed n*gga
in my bed.

Ain't this a bitch?
Some old bullshit.