02x06 - att*ck of the k*ller Kung-Fu Wolf Bitch

[bunniefuu]

HUEY: For most of my
Granddad's romantic life,

the Internet
hadn't been invented yet.

So he was still discovering
the dangers of online dating.

Oh!

Ooh, Lord.

Damn!

[SIGHS]

[SLURPS]

[SMACKS LIPS]

[FORK BANGS PLATE]

[CHOMPING]

[SLURPING, BANGING PLATE]

You know what?
I've had it.

This sucks.

What's wrong with you?

You know what's wrong with me.

When was this picture
taken? ?

You say I don't look like my
picture?

I'm saying you probably never
looked like this damn picture.

This ain't you!

So is that all
you care about is looks?

Yes!

Well, excuse me
for thinking you liked me

for who I was on the inside.

Well, you're a liar
on the inside.

This whole relationship
is based on a lie.

A ugly lie!

Why in the hell this keep
happening to me?

God, what did I do
to deserve this?

This is payback for what?
What did I do to you? Tell me.

Maybe I should leave.

n*gga, you ain't no Denzel.

Hell, you ain't even
no Flavor Flav.

Time after time after time.

There ought to be a law.
[DOOR CLOSES]

Lock 'em up.
Charge them with fraud.

I'd be snitching on
ugly women all day.

I say give them the chair.
Electrocute their ugly asses.

I'll pull that switch quick.

? I am the stone
The builder refused ?

? I am the visual
The inspiration ?

? That made lady
Sing the blues ?

? I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ?

? The same spark
That lights the dark ?

? So that you can know
Left from right ?

? I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ?

? The inner glow
That lets you know ?

? To call your brother sun ?

? The story that just begun ?

? The promise
Of what's to come ?

? And I'm 'a remain a soldier ?

? Till the w*r is won
Won ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop ?

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING,
INDISTINCT LYRICS]

GRANDDAD:
Uh, ah, ooh, ooh.

Oh. Mm-hm.

[HUMS, GRUNTS]

Hey. Oh, ee- Ee...

Uh- Ah- Ooh-
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

? Deep down
On a roll, on go, eh... ?

Yeah. Yeah, boy!

She's fine, ain't she?

And you're sure this is
what she looks like?

Oh, yeah. Your granddaddy
ain't falling

for the okey-doke
this time.

Now I got the video chat.

I think it's a setup.
It don't make no sense.

Why would she like you?

'Cause your granddaddy
gives sweet love.

And what do you know
about this woman?

Well... her name is Luna.

She's a Virgo.

Her hobbies include pets,
traveling, kickbox...

And stealing from
desperate old men.

Watch when you go to sleep.

I bet she have a g*ng of n*gg*s
up in here to rob us.

That ain't a good look,
Granddad.

Not a good look?

Is that some kind of
new slang?

Is that what's hot
in the street, huh?

Is that what you call
really 'hood?

Why don't you give her a chance?
You ain't even met her yet.

Neither have you.
I don't know, Granddad.

A whole weekend with
a complete stranger?

It's a five-hour drive.

Either she was gonna stay here,

or I pay for her hotel room.

sh**t. Bad enough I gotta buy
all this damn champagne

and new sheets. I ain't Jay-Z.

sh**t. I ain't born
like a rock star.

[?]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[INHALES]

[EXHALES]

Well, sir.
Goodness.

Robert. Oh, my God.

It's so good
to finally meet you.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Just like the picture, right?

My sweet Luna.

Come on in, cutie pie.

You look just like
your picture too.

Except you're
wearing clothes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH SIGH LOUDLY]

Hey guys. I'm Luna.

I hope you don't mind me
hanging out for the weekend.

I'll try and stay
out of your way, okay?

Come here. Let me show you
where to put your things.

We don't keep cash
in the house.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, come on.
You want a drink?

A- A soda?

That's a big bitch.

GRANDDAD:
A massage? A bath?

A piece of chicken?
Anything.

[BOTH CACKLING]

LUNA: Oh, you're k*lling me.

Oh. That Larry David
is something else. Whoo!

So...

you never told me
what kind of dogs you have.

I have one Dalmatian,
two retrievers.

Mm-hm. That's nice.

Oh, and wolves.

BOTH:
Wolves?

You mean, like, wolf wolves?

Yeah. For some reason,
wolves really like me.

I was raised around wolves.

They get a bad rap,
but really,

if you aren't afraid
to establish dominance,

there's nothing
wrong with wolves.

That's, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, fascinating.

Uh, so, um...

how long you been kickboxing?

Well, I do a lot of
martial arts.

Not exactly kickboxing,
but it's kind of similar.

It's called White Lotus kung fu.

[?]

White Lotus?

That's the deadliest
style there is.

Yeah, and it's great
exercise.

You never mentioned, uh,

that you were
a kung fu master.

This crazy ex-boyfriend
I had one time,

he was a Shaolin monk.
I learned it from him.

Then I ended up
having to use it on him,

if you know what I mean.

[LAUGHS]

Well, Huey is very interested
in martial arts,

and, uh, I do a little
Tae Bo myself.

[GASPS]
Have you heard of the Kumite?

Did you say Kumite?

Uh-huh. The Kumite.

What's a Kumite?

It's a mythical, invitation-only
martial arts tournament

with the deadliest
fighters in the world.

So you like Jean-Claude
Van Damme. Damn.

But I didn't think
the Kumite really existed.

Oh, no. The Kumite is real.

[DEEP VOICE]
It's really real.

[?]

LUNA:
The Kumite is usually held

on some faraway
mysterious island.

So it's a nice getaway.

Kind of like one of them

all-inclusive
vacation packages.

They cover room and food.
Everything.

Except for incidentals,
of course.

It's nice, you know?

You get to catch up
with old friends,

see some really good
matches, get a tan.

Good times.
[GRUNTS]

Good times.
The Kumite is supposed to be

a death match, right?
You ever k*lled anybody?

Hey. Everybody has to
die sometime. Hm.

[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]

Oh-ho. Gotta hurt.

Finish him.
[SCREAMS]

Ooh. Ooh.

[ALL CHEER]

MASTER:
Luna wins.

I mean, I'm like,
"You k*ll one man,

you k*ll a dozen. "
It's all the same.

I mean, they can only
hang you once, right?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, am I right or am I right?

[LAUGHS]

Come on, now, you're
leaving me hanging.

ALL:
We gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh...

Move it, move it,
hurry. Get on.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] Hurry up.

Thanks for inviting a k*ller

kung-fu wolf bitch
to the crib.

You think I knew she was
a k*ller kung-fu wolf bitch?

She ain't say nothing
about no damn.

Kupate, Kumatoo, Kumite,

co*n, black co*n.
Now, just hush.

I'm trying to figure out
what we're gonna do.

Huey, what are we gonna do?

You gonna tell her
to get out.

I'm not telling her to leave.

She hit me with one of them
exploding nutsack techniques.

Oh, come on, Granddad.

She's not a kung fu
master. She's crazy.

sh*t.
Then you go kick her ass out.

But this is your responsibility.

Hey. I'm willing to stay
in the bathroom all night.

Where you going?

You two just... stay here.

Okay. I gotta use
the bathroom anyway.

RILEY:
Oh, come on, Granddad. Hold it.

GRANDDAD:
I'm old, boy. I can't hold it.

You must be crazy.
You gotta let your thing go.

[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
RILEY: Put your pants up.

GRANDDAD: I ain't letting
my stuff sit in my body.

WOMAN:
So where's he at now?

I don't know. Suddenly they
all went to the bathroom.

Do you think that's weird?

Let me call you back.

Hey. How's Robert?
Is everything okay?

Sure. He's just having some
difficulties in the bathroom.

So... that's pretty
impressive,

being a White Lotus master.

Thank you. It was really hard.

It's just... I had heard

there were no White Lotus
masters left alive.

Mm. Hm!

Maybe you would like
a demonstration?

What about a...

friendly sparring match?

Oh.

That sounds perfect.

[?]

[BATTLE CRIES]

[GROANS]

Ew.

[GASPS]

Let's...

get out while we can.

[GROANS]

[BOTH GASP]

I can't believe I let
that big old woman

come into my house
and try to destroy my place.

You have to relax, Granddad.

How am I supposed to relax?

The woman is
a trained k*ller.

Know the story
of Brenda Richie?

Lionel Richie's wife?

No-ho-ho-ho.
Lionel Richie's ex-wife.

It was ,

and Brenda Richie
had just caught Lionel in bed

with his future ex-white-wife,
Diana Alexander.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Huh? Huh? What the f*ck?

Oh, I was hoping I would
catch you up in here

with that white bitch.

LIONEL: Don't-
Hyah!

Ow!

[GRUNTING]

[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

GRANDDAD: Oh, you should have
seen this ass whipping.

It was terrible.
[SCREAMS]

Oh, the humanity.
Upside his head.

Upside his nose.

All whipping his ass.

Hyah!

? Whoo, hoo ?

GRANDDAD:
Oh, it was terrible. Terrible.

[PANTING]

How could you know that?
Were you there?

Brenda Richie knew kung fu.

Jet magazine said
she used to fight in the Kumite.

No. I haven't seen him
since dinner.

I think he was
in the bathroom all night.

WOMAN:
That's fine, girl.

You don't need to give him
no ass yet anyway.

I say make a man wait
until he's resentful.

That always works.

Oh, I don't know.

Think it's gonna be weird
now that I b*at up his grandson?

I'm so stupid.
Why did I do that?!

Okay. Let's hear the story
one more time.

Okay, let me
get this right, now.

My cousin, Elliot,
in California

passed away very suddenly
while working out.

And- And, uh, they think
it's a heart att*ck.

Uh, they're not sure.
We weren't very close.

Yeah, let's say that.
We weren't very close.

But I need to fly out
immediately

to support my family members.

Uh, yeah.

Good.
If that don't work,

We gonna have to
sh**t that bitch.

Sure she gonna believe that?
Granddad, the story's fine.

Under no circumstances
do you change that story.

Got it?

Fidel Castro?

Oh, yeah. Me and Fidel
go way back.

I used to call him
Fee-Diddy.

Heh-heh-heh.
But you know what I forgot?

Today is Fidel Castro's
birthday.

And I'm in charge of
the birthday party.

So I gotta fly out there.

But I forgot- Stupid me.
I forgot to buy some balloons.

So Jay-Z is gonna loan me
some, then fly me to Cuba

for Fidel Castro's birthday
party that I'm planning,

like I said earlier.
Eh-heh. Yeah.

Wow.

I thought you were gonna
tell me you thought I was crazy,

and you didn't want to see me
again, like the others.

No, girl. That's not at all
what I was gonna say.

I'm enjoying this time with you.
Are you kidding?

I'm not blowing you off.
Oh, no way.

In fact, I was just telling Huey.

I would love to pursue
a romantic relationship you.

Definitely.
I'll call you

as soon as I get back...
from Cuba.

And Fidel.

Aw.

You are such a cutie.

ALL:
Bye.

GRANDDAD: Don't come back too soon.
Maybe about years.

To no more weekend visits
by crazy Internet women.

I really thought
you blew it there

with the Fidel Castro story.

[LAUGHS]

When he wanna be,

your granddaddy is
a master of deception.

WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Fidel Castro's birthday?
That sh*t don't sound right.

You think he was lying?

All I know is you drove
all them hours

to spend time with him,

and he gonna
send you home early?

I don't give a f*ck
if it was Jesus' birthday.

He said he'd invite me
back soon.

Soon? Pfft! When is soon?

Remember when Kenny said soon?
Remember when Jamal said soon?

Did any of them n*gg*s
call you back?

You're right.

And just so you know,

I Googled Fidel Castro's
birthday.

It isn't until August th.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

He lied to me.

Mm-hm. You see, girl?

That's why I'm by myself.

Love the vibrator.

You better not get rid of it.

RUCKUS:
First of all, if a woman

is over years old
and she ain't married,

then she must be nutty
as squirrel sh*t.

But everything else
was so right.

And by everything else,
I mean her looks. She was fine.

She couldn't look that good.
She was black.

But I guess if you put lipstick
and a wig on a monkey,

it could look good too.

[RUCKUS CHUCKLES]

A monkey in lipstick
and a wig.

LUNA:
I found him.

He's in a park with another man.

WOMAN:
Ooh, see. What did I tell you?

See? That's exactly why
I don't have a man.

Because all
these n*gg*s is gay.

No. They're just
playing checkers.

Ooh. What, girl?
How his friend look?

Black women just crazy.

It's all that stuff
they do to their hair.

Straighteners and relaxers
and activators and tight braids.

Still look like a ape
with a pretty head of hair.

I don't think his friend
likes the sisters too much.

WOMAN: Ha! Heh. Oh- Oh!
Isn't that a surprise?

That's exactly why
I don't have a man now.

Shh.

Well, I was really hoping

it would work out with this one.

[CRYING] Me too, baby.

Oh, well. At least I got that
crazy bitch out of my house.

[GRANDDAD LAUGHS]

WOMAN: Ooh, what happened, girl?
What did he say?

He told his friend I'm crazy.

He said, "Luna was crazy. "

Mm...

You know what
you should do?

Kidnap and t*rture
his ass. How about that?

He going around
calling people crazy?

Oh, we gonna show that n*gga
just who crazy.

Granddad.

Granddad, you home?

Hey. Where's Granddad?

He's not here.
I'll call his cell.

His phone's dead.

[DRILL WHIRS]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Don't worry, boys.

I just want to have
a friendly chat

with your grandfather
about honesty.

HUEY:
No. Luna.

I told you we should have
sh*t that bitch.

? Oh, she's gone
She's gone?

? She's gone
Yes, she is?

? She's gone-?

[GASPS, CHOKING]

[?]

I'm tapping out.

Uh- I'm- I'm tapping...

Shh.

Just go to sleep.

[CLICK]

[SCREAMS]

[CRYING]
Why did you lie to me, Robert?

You're just like the others.

Uh, what lie?

You know what lie.

Oh, you mean the Fidel Castro,
Jay-Z birthday party lie?

Look, everybody lies.

I love it when people lie to me.

It means they care enough
to spare my feelings.

I heard you tell your friend
I was crazy.

Is that what you think?

You think I'm crazy?

Is that why you wanted me
to leave?

Uh...

Do not lie to me!

[SCREAMS]

LUNA:
Hello?

WOMAN:
You got him, girl?

Yeah. I got him.
[WHIMPERING]

Now, remember, none of this
was your fault.

This man took
your weekend from you.

Two days you'll
never get back.

You gotta k*ll him.

[?]

[SCREAMS]

[HUEY GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

It's Tom.

Right on time.

Tom. Tom.
Hey, Tom.

[HUMMING]

LUNA:
Either of you make a sound,

I will butt-r*pe
your grandfather

with this broomstick.

GRANDDAD:
Boys, don't make any noise. Shh.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hi. Ha-ha.

You must be Robert's
weekend visitor, Luna.

I'm Tom. May I speak to
Robert or the boys, please?

They're not in. I'll
tell them you stopped by.

Can I, um, use the bathroom?

There something wrong
with your bathroom?

Um, this might seem strange,

but, uh, heh, do you think maybe.

I can come in
and inspect the house?

Inspect the house.

Oh, jeez.

Well, ha, this is awkward,
but, um, how do I do this? Okay.

Uh, it- It's just that I got an
e-mail from Huey this morning,

and it reads:
[CLEARS THROAT]

"Dear Tom, my granddad kicked
a woman named Luna-"

That would be you, heh-heh.

"- out, and she may return
and m*rder the whole family.

"Please check on us
periodically this weekend.

"Best regards, Huey Freeman.

"PS: If she says we're not in,
please ask to search the house.

We may be locked
in our rooms. "

Oh, me and Robert
patched things up.

Yeah, I am so sure
that's true.

It's just that
he goes on to say:

"PPS: There's absolutely
no chance

my granddad patched things up
with this woman. "

[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

I see.

And blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

"PPPS: Uh, be careful,
she's very danger-"

Whoa!
[LUNA SCREAMS]

[CHOKING]

[SCREAMS]

MASTER:
Flawless victory.

Luna, this has gone
far enough.

Leave Tom out of this.

But leave me out of this first.
Let me go.

I was falling in love
with you, Robert.

You're just like
all the others.

What others?
Who are these others?

HUEY:
And so she told them the very,

very, very sad story of Luna.

LUNA:
I was raised in a broken

and abusive household.

Bitch, this chicken is cold.

[SCREAMS]

When I turned ,
I ran away to Hong Kong,

where I met Triad boss
Kenny Woo, my first love.

Bitch, this chicken is cold.
[SCREAMS]

After that, I had one terrible
relationship after another.

I suffered every kind of abuse
imaginable. Verbal.

I told you not to wash

my bloody ski mask
with detergent

because it irritates
my f*cking eczema!

Spiritual.
Look at you.

Nobody wants you but me.

You ain't sh*t without me.

You without me equals sh*t.

You understand that,
you ugly, fat bitch?

Now, let me borrow your car.

And there was that summer
I dated Jim Brown...

Okay. Okay,
we get it.

You had a lot of bad
relationships.

Maybe you should go
see a therapist.

This isn't my fault.

My friend Nicole says
it's men like you, Robert,

who lie and avoid commitment.

If I could just find a man
to love me.

[LONG, DIMINISHING SOBBING]

Damn it, Luna.
Stop being a victim.

I lied to get you
out of the house

'cause I was afraid you'd
do something like this.

And look.
I was right.

Don't take your past out
on other people.

That's the first step
to a lonely life.

And what was it about you

that made you keep dating
those kind of men?

And you can't kidnap people just
because they don't like you.

It's not a good look, Luna.

Oh, you're right.

I didn't even wanna
kidnap you.

I was listening to my stupid
girlfriend, Nicole.

Oh. I'm never gonna
get married.

I might as well just
blow myself up right now.

BOTH:
No!

Wait. Luna,

you have another choice.

You a beautiful,
talented woman.

And once you let go
of the past,

you'll be able to have
any man you want.

I don't know.

Are you sure I shouldn't
just blow myself up?

BOTH:
No!

Luna, it's like the great
Tae Bo master.

Billy Blanks always says:
"Take control of your life.

Take responsibility. "

Put the grenade away
and go home.

[WHIMPERING] You're right.

I should take responsibility.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[?]

NICOLE:
You got him, girl?

No. Everything's okay,
Nicole.

He told me I should take
responsibility

and let go of the past.

So you do all of that,

he gonna marry you then?

Hm. You know what?

He didn't say.

Ooh, Luna. That means no.

Oh, my God, girl.
I am so sorry.

You told this man
your life story,

and he just ditched you
like that?

If a man said that to me,
oh, my God,

I don't think I could
handle it.

I would just freaking die.

HUEY: And that was the day Ms.
Luna decided

to take responsibility
for her own actions.

She still there?
Why ain't she leaving?

Maybe she's still talking
to her friend.

Well, I hope her friend
isn't giving her more bad...

[expl*si*n]
ALL: Whoa!

HUEY:
Um, okay. Then that was the day

Ms. Luna let her girlfriend

talk her into
blowing herself up

instead of taking
responsibility

for her own actions.

This weekend sucked.

And it was all
your fault, Granddad.

Wasn't my fault.

It was that crazy-ass
Luna's fault

for not taking
responsibility.

God rest her poor soul.

NICOLE:
Hello? Hello?

What was that noise?

Anyway, like I said, girl,

if a man ever said that to me,
I'll k*ll myself.

I mean, you're a stronger
woman than me. Hello?

Hello? A life without a man
to take care of your ass

ain't worth living.
So go back in there, girl,

and t*rture him
until he proposes.

That's what you need to do.

[?]