03x06 - Smokin' with Cigarettes

[bunniefuu]

* I am the stone
The builder refused *

* I am the visual
The inspiration *

* That made lady
Sing the blues *

* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *

* The same spark
That lights the dark *

* So that you can know
Left from right *

* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *

* The inner glow
That lets you know *

* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *

* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop *

[***]

RILEY:
People call me
The Fund-raiser.

They call me that
'cause that's what I do.

I raise funds.

I get my money up.

The first rule
of fundraising

is don't give nothing
to nobody.

Period.

No charities,
no homeless people,

Salvation Army,
Red Cross,

starving Africans, nothing.
Hey, brother.

You can't be raising funds

and giving funds away
at the same time.

That's like getting high
on your own supply.

I always had the drive
to make money.

And the plan.
I knew that if I studied

enough gangster movies,
I'd know everything

I need to know
to take over the streets.

Jesus, boy. Look at you.
All you do

is lay around here
and watch TV and eat my food

and breathe my air.
Just as lazy as you can be.

Go out and do something.
What am I supposed to do?

I ain't got no money.

Well, try getting up off
your ass

and cleaning up my living room.

You're lucky President Obama
is not here to see this.

You're lazy.
You need a hobby or something.

Give me an allowance
and I'll find a good hobby.

Allowance?
I allow you to live here.

I allow you to eat my food.

I allow you
to burn up my electricity.

I mean a money allowance.

Well, how about this?

Trash is starting to stink and
guess what?

You allowed to take it out.

[GRANDDAD LAUGHING]
[***[

RILEY:
I was a loser.

I might as well
have been dead.

[***]

Hi, Riley.
Yeah, whatever.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh. Well, hello,
little baby.

Hey, Mr. Freeman.
Would you like to buy

some candy to help keep kids

away from gangs and g*ns?
Heck, no.

I'm a fan of gangs and g*ns.

I got some gangs
and g*ns inside right now,

you want some?

Ha-ha. Mr. Freeman.
I'd love some candy.

I'll take a whole box.

Granddad.
Shut the hell up.

Mind your business.

JAZMINE:
Thank you, Mr. Freeman.

Okay, little baby.
Be good, now.

[GROWLS]

Hey, what you just sell
my granddad?

Candy bars for the school
fundraiser, silly.

Aren't you doing it?
RILEY: The fundraiser.

I had to think back 'cause

I wasn't paying attention
the first time.

That's right, kids.

It's time for
World's Ultimate Chocolates

annual candy sale fundraiser.

I've got mine and I can't wait

to get out there
and sell, sell, sell.

RILEY:
Then I remember why I forgot.

The World's Ultimate
Chocolates fundraiser

is basically like
selling cr*ck on consignment,

except you don't even get
no money. How they gonna

disrespect the game like that?
If you raise $ ,

you can win a Hannah Montana
lenticular key ring.

If you raise $
you'll receive

a Jonas Brothers toothbrush,

and and you can have
this beautiful

Chronicles of Narnia
iPod case.

All right,
who's ready to sell some candy?

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

Aw, man, you doing that?

You don't even get
to keep none of the money.

Yeah, but I've sold $
of candy so far,

which means I'm only $
away from that iPod case.

Damn.

RILEY:
And that's when it hit me.

The best idea I ever had
in my entire life.

That's the worst idea

you ever had
in your entire life.

You just mad
you didn't think of it.

You want to start
a fundraiser with no cause?

Cause, n*gga?
I'm the cause.

'Cause I wanna a house.
'Cause I wanna a yacht.

'Cause I wanna get
this guap, n*gga.

That's the cause.
You watch a lot

of gangster movies, right?
I seen all of them.

That's how I know what to do.

Okay, how many of them
have a happy ending?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, but see,

that's how I know
it's gonna work, right?

'Cause I seen
all the mistakes they made,

and I'm not gonna make
them same mistakes.

See, I'm gonna do everything
the smart way.

Riley, I'm gonna to tell you
everything

that's about to happen
if you do this,

and how bad this is gonna end.

First of all...
Aw, stop right there.

Every time
I wanna do something,

you tell me
what's gonna happen first,

and then that's what happen.

And you always ruin
the endings of stuff, man.

I'm sick of it. I wanna be
surprised this time.

So no matter how bad it is,
you don't wanna hear it?

Nope.

'Cause it's really bad.

Hey. Spoiler alert, n*gga.
Didn't you hear me?

Keep it to yourself.

Here. Good luck.

Thanks.

That still kind
of spoiled it, though.

RILEY:
The second rule
of fundraising is that

fundraising is not illegal.

See, that's 'cause you
not technically

stealing from people.
They give you the money.

So maybe you lie about
what you gonna do with it.

But you never actually take
they money from 'em.

And that's why it's legal.

RILEY:
Jazmine and Phil

were the top candy sellers
in the class.

If I was gonna take over
the candy game,

I'd need they help.

Who are we raising
the money for?

A good cause.
What cause?

Uh, a bunch of causes.

All of them.
Gangs, g*ns...

Uh, all that good stuff.

Something that helps animals?
Yeah, sure.

Whatever. We'll keep gangs
and g*ns away from animals.

I-I don't know.

I still think the school
would be really mad.

Okay, I didn't
wanna tell you this,

World's Ultimate Chocolates

they secretly funded
by the Ku Klux Klan.

[BOTH GASP]

And al Qaeda.

[BOTH GASP]

[***]

What do you think?
"Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser."

I like it. Sounds like,
you know,

some of that positive
bullshit that people eat up.

RILEY:
Since I came up
with the idea,

Jazmine and Phil
had to provide

the startup money
for the business.

This is our candy money,

we need to get this back,
Riley.

Why you guys so worried?

You're wearing
a bulletproof vest.

RILEY:
Cindy MacPhearson,
a. k.a. C-m*rder.

She had the whole Girl Scout
cookie game on lock.

What up, Cindy? I just seen
this kid over there,

right over there
around the corner over there,

and I know she ain't down
with your team.

Who?
I don't know.

Some skinny
big-headed bitch.

Word? Come on.

RILEY:
She wasn't like Jazmine
and Phil. Cindy was a G.

What you think
you're doing here?

You talking to me?
Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Open your bag.

What's in your bag?
Ow.

I'll k*ll you, bitch.
Get her, Cindy.

[SCREAMING]
Come here. Come here.

RILEY:
But what I really liked
about her

was that she had
less compassion

than the average girl.

GIRL : Take off, bitch.
GIRL : Yeah, take off.

GIRL :
Run away, baby.

Hey, how's the cookie hustle?

It's cool.
You want a box?

Nah, I don't give.

You get to keep
any of that cookie money?

I wish. I'll move up
in the Girl Scout ranks,

get awards and whatnot.
But no cash.

I got a business proposal
for you.

There's a lot of bars
I need to move.

You're not talking
about that stupid

school candy fundraiser.

You know that's for suckers,
right?

Do I looks like a sucker?

When you ready to make
some real dough,

holler at me.
Get it? Dough, cookies?

[LAUGHS]

[***]

RILEY:
We had everything we needed

to look like a legit company.

Website, labels,
and lots and lots of candy.

[***]

Sorry kids, tapped out.
Someone just came through

selling chocolate.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just bought some
from little Timothy.

MAN:
Ugh, if I see another bar
of chocolate

I'm gonna be sick.

Hey, boy.
How's the candy business?

Terrible.
We couldn't move nothing.

The streets are flooded
with chocolate

from the school fundraiser.

Well, I just wanted to say
I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Granddad.

You wanna buy some candy?

Hell, no. You must be out of
your damn mind.

Now, get that out of here.

See, we need to make it

where they ain't
no competition.

We need to move on them.

Push them out street
by street, block by block.

That's what
Beanie Sigel would do.

Why don't we just get
the kids at school

to work for us
instead of the school?

How?
We'll walk up to them

and say, "Hey,"
and they say, "What?"

And then we say,
"This is our block.

Now, you gonna get down,
or you gonna lay down?"

And if they be like,

"Uh... Uh, I don't know,
let me think about it,"

we pull out the roscoe
and we be like:

[IMITATING g*nf*re]

And they be like,

"Ugh, you sh*t me,"
and we be like,

"Take that, faggots."

We could offer them
a better deal,

like better prizes
or something.

That's not what Beans would do.
Beans would go to w*r.

Cindy's right.
Beans would go to w*r.

But w*r is bad for business.

We'll do better
than stupid prizes.

Put the word out. You sell
for us, we'll pay you. Cash.

RILEY:
That brings us to the third
rule of fundraising.

You gotta pay the cost
of doing business.

Hey, Riley.
Yeah?

I heard that
you're selling candy

for a different
fundraising company.

One that pays kids cash.

Maybe.
Why should I tell you?

Aw, come on, man.
I've been busting my ass

selling candy for months
and all I've gotten

is this stupid key ring.

It's called
Young Reezy's Fun-Raisers,

but I don't think
it's for you, Jeff.

They only want hustlers.
People who'll do anything

to gets that sale
and make that money.

A lot of people can't handle
that fast lifestyle.

I swear I can handle it.

[***]

RILEY:
When they called me
to the office

I already knew
what it was for.

By now they had figured out
we had knocked off

over half the students
in the school.

He's waiting for you.

Nobody say nothing.

Is it true that you're
soliciting students

to work for a different,
competing fundraiser?

This, uh, Young Reezy's
Fun-Raiser company?

They put the fun in fundraising.

That is completely
unacceptable.

You will stop at once.

I don't think so.

We already have
permission slips

from half the school's parents,

saying that they'll sell candy
for us exclusively.

I can't believe this.
Shame on you.

Shame on me?
What, you better than me?

The state puts you in charge
of these kids,

and you turn around
and pimp them out

to some second-rate
candy racket?

You disgust me.

I'm curious, what's your cut?

How much does the school get?

How much is your soul worth?

Five percent.

Five percent?

Pfft. All right, fine.

I'll match that.
Can we go now?

Uh, fair enough.

J. Edgar Hoover Elementary

likes to see its students
giving back to the community.

I don't give to nobody.

I just pay the cost
to do business.

[***]

p*ssy.

RILEY:
This is how
the operation worked.

Kids signed up to be sellers
on our website,

and they parents
sent the money

to a PayPal account.

We paid off store owners
for they old candy.

Once the candy was delivered
to the seller,

it was time
for them to go sell.

And, man, did they sell.

They sold after school,
on weekends,

day, night, rain,
sleet, whatever.

Parents were
the best customers.

The fundraiser kept
their kids occupied

and even had them making
they own money,

but it wasn't just about money.

It was about winning.

We had parents
violating company policy

just to get
they kids' numbers up.

We had grown adults
actually risking they jobs

by trying to push bars
on their co-workers.

And it didn't cost me nothing.

It was beautiful.

[***]

Once they finally
sold through that candy,

they give us the cash,
we give them they cut

and another box
of chocolate bars.

And the whole thing
starts all over again.

We expanded
into other neighborhoods.

Other schools were happy

to take the same deal
as Hoover.

Soon, we had set
up competitions

between local schools

to see who could raise
the most money.

And no matter who won,

we won.

Hey. You can't do that.
That money is for the animals.

Come on, Jazmine,

we allowed to spend
some of it on ourselves.

Call it operating expenses.

Don't worry, they gonna be

plenty of money left
for the animals.

Are you sure?

[***]

How's it going?

Fine. Great.
Don't tell me nothing.

All right, but you should know

that Jazmine is going...
La-la-la-la!

Not listening.
I'm not listening.

[***]

Watch out there, Goldilocks.

All that chocolate can be bad
for your health.

Say what?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

RILEY:
The operation needed
more space,

so we moved
to a hotel downtown.

And this is the Scarface Suite.

[ALL GASP]

They're just getting it
cleaned up for you.

[BOTH WHIMPER]

This'll do perfect.

[***]

Hey, boy.
You got a sec?

It's about your, uh,

fundraising. Who exactly
are you raising

all that money for?

Because Huey said...

I'm sorry to interrupt,
Granddad,

'cause I really wanna hear
what you have to say.

But I got something
I want you to see right quick.

It's outside.
Huey, you can come too.

[***]

Aah! Is that a Gibbs Aquada?

Yeah, yeah.
The car that turns

into a boat,
and then back into a car.

For me?
Oh, I can't believe it.

Thank you, boy. Oh,
you're the best grandson ever.

Way better than that other one.

Uh, yeah, you wanted
to talk to me about something?

Uh, nothing. Nothing,
mm-mm. Never mind.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I'm gonna be just like
James Bond now.

* James Bond, James Bond
James Bond, hey *

[***]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Riley, we got problems.
Big problems.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on?

World's Ultimate Chocolates.

They came by my office today.

They're mad. I mean,
they're really mad.

So, what? I'm supposed
to be scared of

a bunch of guys who make candy?

Well, they scared me.
I mean, I'm done, Riley.

I'm... I'm out.

Well, I was tired
of paying your punk ass

to do nothing anyway.

You see, uh,
Tom all it takes is good,

solid grandparenting.
Look at him.

He's working hard,
taking the initiative.

Jazmine just bought me
a flat screen.

And this.

Ooh, that's nice.
I know.

But it just seems
like they're making

an awful lot of money.

Granddad, you have to try

and stop Riley
before it's too late.

At least Riley loves
his granddaddy enough

to buy him stuff.

What have you
ever bought me, huh?

You need to be more
like your brother,

and try to make the world
a better place for me.

[***]

RILEY:
World's Ultimate Chocolates
started playing rough.

The message was clear.
They wanted us out.

They intimidated our
suppliers...

Get out of here.

The schools...
Hey.

Everybody.

Hey!
[MEN YELLING]

MAN: f*cking little sh*t.
Well, almost everybody.

Oh! Me f*cking knackers!

[***]

MAN: Come here.
Aah! Help!

[WHIMPERS]

JEFF:
Let me go.

[GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

[SCREAMS]

JEFF:
No, no, no!
Please, no.

[SCREAMS]

[***]

All right,
we just gonna stay cool

and keep doing what we doing.

And just ignore all this?
Come on, man.

These guys ain't no gangstas,
they make chocolate.

One four-foot long slab
of chocolate

for Riley Freeman.
Sign right here, n*gga.

[ALL GASP]

Huh?

[MUFFLED GROANS]

Clear his mouth.

Uh, help me. Get me out of here.

Who did this?

They said... They said
they were from

World's Ultimate Chocolates.

They wanted me to give you
a message

that this was just
the beginning.

Oh, God, it was so scary.

I wanna go home now.

What?
Me too. I quit too.

Why, 'cause he got
dipped in chocolate?

Big deal, he's a kid.

That sounds like something
most kids

would want to have happen.

Eat your way out of it,
n*gga, take a bath.

Let's get back
to getting this money.

No way. This is too weird.

[***]

Granddad, you have to listen.

Do not get into that car.

It's a car-boat,
thank you very much.

Now get out the way.

[LOCK BEEPS]

[GRANDDAD SCREAMS]

No!

[GRUNTING]

No, that's my boat!
You wanna be in this business,

you gotta pay the cost
of doing business.

And when the cost
get too high,

you get out of business.

[GRANDDAD SOBBING]

You always gotta spoil
something, huh? Man.

[***]

I was going to the hotel
to shut down the operation.

But I wasn't sure
what I had started

could be stopped.

Huh?

[WHIMPERS]

[***]

Hey, look, here brother.

Can you spare, uh,

some money
for a starving African?

Hey, you never know
when you might need

some good karma, now.

RILEY:
First rule of fundraising:

Don't give nothing
to nobody.

But I ain't no fundraiser
no more.

Thank you so very much,
brother.

Unjambo,
and good luck to you.

[LAUGHING]

[***]

Hope you don't mind.
We made some tea.

[g*n COCKS]

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm the bloke
you're stealing from.

The name's Alister Rigby,
but as far as you're concerned

I'm Willy f*cking Wonka,
and you're taking a sh*t

in my f*cking
chocolate factory.

Easy boss, don't get upset.

When I have to go
to the dentist,

I'm upset.

When Liverpool beats Arsenal,

I'm upset.

But when some little sh*t
decides to take over

one of the most profitable
territories in the country,

I'm beyond f*cking upset.
I'm very f*cking upset.

So from now on, you're under
new management.

You will work for me,
and in return,

you'll receive an allowance.

Allowance?
Yes, allowance.

As in, I'm allowing you
to keep percent,

and I'm allowing you

to keep drawing breath
on this earth.

Now, you either get down,
or you lay down.

What's it gonna be, sunshine?

RILEY:
This wasn't no movie.

The smart thing was to say yes,

get up, and leave the room.

But then I thought to myself,

what if this was a movie?

Look. f*ck you,
f*ck the plane you flew in on,

f*ck them shoes,
f*ck those socks

with the belt on it,
f*ck your gay-ass

fairy f*gg*t accent,
f*ck them cheap ass cigars,

f*ck your yuck-mouth teeth,
f*ck your hair-piece,

f*ck your chocolate,
f*ck Guy Ritchie,

f*ck Prince William,
f*ck the queen.

This is America.
My president is black

and my Lambo is blue, n*gga.

Now, get the f*ck out
my hotel room

and if I see you in the street,

I'm slapping the sh*t
out of you.

[***]

[GROWLING]

I think this one's spent
too much time at the cinema.

Teach this cheeky bastard
a lesson.

[g*ns COCK]

Nobody f*cking move!

[GASPS] Aw, man.

This is bad.

[***]

ALISTER:
What is this, a casting call
for The Sopranos reunion?

Do me a favor, tell room service
nobody here ordered

the extra-large wop
with a side order of wops.

Whoa!
[JAZMINE SCREAMS]

Jesus Christ, I thought
he'd never shut up.

So you guys are probably
wondering

why we just kicked in the door

and sh*t your boss here
in the face.

Well, to be honest,

it's tough times out there.

Nobody's spending on nothing.

No dr*gs, no whores,
no gambling, nothing.

Except, apparently,
chocolate bars.

So consider this
a hostile takeover.

We got a problem?

Absolutely not.
BOTH: No.

Okay, have a nice day.

Now get the f*ck out of here.

[***]

AGENT:
FBI! FBI! Drop your weapons!

[g*ns COCK]

AGENT: Nobody move.
[ALL YELLING]

AGENT:
Don't do something stupid.

MAN:
Don't make me do it.

Oh, man, this is really bad.

MAN: Whose side are you on?
[ALL SHOUTING]

MAN: We paid you off.
What are you doing here?

[ALL SHOUTING]

[***]

[BOTH SCREAM]

[ALL SCREAMING]

It's our chocolate,
m*therf*cker.

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH PANTING]

MAN [ECHOING]:
Candy.

Candy.

How much we got?
What do you mean?

Don't play with me Jazmine,
the money.

How much money we got?
We don't have any money.

I donated it.
You what?

I thought that's what
I was supposed to do.

You gave away the money?

Who told you to give
away the money?

That was the point
of a fundraiser.

No! Why you do that?

You said it was for charity.
You never give the money away.

Oh, God.

Who you give the money to?

[RINGS]

Hello, PETA.

[GASPS]
[***]

Man, why you didn't tell me

she was gonna give away
the money?

[***]

RILEY:
So here I am.

Back to being a nobody.

A loser.

The thing people
ask me most

is would I do it again?

Hey, you kids still selling

those chocolate bars
for charity?

[g*nshots]

[***]