04x03 - Breaking Granddad

[bunniefuu]

In retrospect, it
really was my fault.

This is all your fault, Granddad.

If we die, I ain't never
gonna forgive you.

Please, don't turn over!

Oh, no. What are we gonna do?

First thing you need to do
is get some clothes on.

All right, think. We got to
think about what we're gonna do.

Huey, what do we do?

We go home.

This way.

What home?

We have no home.
We have no future.

We have nothing!

Granddad!

Granddad, come on.

Nope. This is it. End
of the road for me.

Granddad, we don't have time for this.
They're coming.

You guys go. I'm not coming.

I'm going to stand in
the middle of the road

in my drawers

with this g*n until the man comes.

Then I'm gonna go out
like a m*therf*cking G.

Granddad!

You look real gay.

♪ I am the stone that
the builder refused

♪ I am the visual

♪ The inspiration that
made lady sing the blues

♪ I'm the spark that
makes your idea bright

♪ The same spark
that lights the dark

♪ So that you can know
your left from your right

♪ I am the ballot in your box

♪ The b*llet in the g*n

♪ The inner glow that let's you
know to call your brother son

♪ The story that just begun

♪ The promise of what's to come

♪ And I'ma remain a soldier
till the w*r is won

♪ Chop, chop, chop

♪ Judo flip

♪ Chop, chop, chop

♪ Judo flip

♪ Chop, chop, chop

♪ Judo flip

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

Boy, what the hell
you doing in here?

I told you... I'm working
with very unstable material.

It would help if you would knock.

It would help me if
you shut the hell up.

I have that appointment
with the financial planner,

and you're both coming with me.

Man, why we have to go?

Now that our situation
has changed,

we need to start thinking
like white people. All of us.

I told you I have to finish
my chemistry project.

Are you sure you're just
doing a chemistry project

and not making no bombs?

Yes, Granddad. I swear.

I'm not making a b*mb.

What is that...

That pink stuff right there?

Isn't that what t*rrorists
put up their booty hole,

then they put a match up their booty
hole to blow up the whole plane?

You'd better not be making no
booty-hole bombs around here.

It's not a b*mb, Granddad.

It's... wave cream.

I've been thinking about going
with the Billy Dee look.

Good.

About time. Come on, let's go.

Don't hold back. Give
it to me straight.

I've been giving
it to you straight

for a half-hour, Mr. Freeman.

According to this, every one of
your credit cards is maxed out.

You're broke. You've
got zip, zero, zilch.

I'd say you have six months

before you and your grandchildren
are homeless and starving.

Do you really need cable,
high-speed internet?

I see a lot of money
on restaurants.

We don't go to restaurants.

That's Granddad going out on dates

and feeding b*tches again.

You'll probably also need
to cut electricity, water.

How many kidneys do you have, Mr.
Freeman?

Do you have any friends
who traffic in dr*gs?

Can you think of any way
to make some quick money?

Mr. Freeman?

Mr. Freeman?

♪ Like we having sex

♪ Baby, grab your ankles

♪ You know what's next ♪

Look at that.

Oh, how the high
yellow shall be last,

and the last shall be high yellow.

Leave me alone, Ruckus. I'm
working as fast as I can.

Ah, yeah, n*gga.

Oh, this ain't nothing like the
movie car wash, is it, n*gga?

Oh, no. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Ain't no singing, no dancing,

no Richard Pryor. Nothing.

Oh, by the way, that lazy
Mexican sumbitch Chico canceled,

and I need you to stay
till closing time.

But I had plans tonight.

Plans? Plans?

Ain't no n*gga make no plans!

n*gg*s just react
to outside stimuli.

Now, I got some plans, too.

I plan to keep your
black ass here.

Sumbitch!

You heard that man, Granddad.

We don't have the finances
to be feeding these b*tches.

Everything's fine.

It's not that bad.
It's just one dinner.

Huey!

Granddad's taking b*tches
out to eat again!

♪ Going on a hot date

♪ Hot date

♪ Hot date

♪ Going on a hot date

♪ Hot... ♪

Aw, damn it.

I'm out of Nap-B-Gone!

I might still have time
to run to the store.

No way, Granddad.

We ain't got no
money for wave gel.

You ain't got enough hair
to worry about, no way.

Ah. Pretty boy.

Player.

Hey, cutie pie. Sorry
for the late date.

My, uh, corner office was
packed full of meetings.

Um, anyway, you all
set for tonight?

Where you want to go, baby?

Mr. Chin's? That... I, uh,
don't really like Chinese food.

Hey. Here's an idea.

Why don't we skip the fancy dinner
and just do something... free?

You know, like watch a
movie on basic cable,

pop some popcorn,

make some Ramen noodles!

Well, you see, to be honest,
I'm a little short on cash.

Hello?

Hello?

Whew. That was a close one.

What's for dinner?

It's just not fair.

Truth is your Granddaddy has
always had a hard time with women.

I'm not very fit.

I'm not very funny.

I'm not particularly
good at conversation.

Lord knows I'm not good in bed.

But I had money, and
as long as I had money,

I could have a moderately
satisfying sex life.

Ugh.

No more.

Well, did you try it?

We're gonna be rich.

Yeah, my hair's so silky smooth.

I like your hair.

It's like you kind of got
that JLo thing going on...

You know, kind of
like the white girls.

I like that. I like that.
It's pretty hot.

I'm the most beautiful
girl in the world.

I'm so happy for you, Robert!

This is gonna revolutionize the
whole black-hair-care industry.

You're sitting on a gold mine.

Oh, thank you, Jesus.

I always knew if I pretended
to believe in you,

it would pay off someday.

So, what's the plan?

Yeah, how do we get paid?

Uh...

Now, now. There's a lot
that has to be done

before you can bring something
like this to market.

You need a business plan,
lawyers, distribution.

How much more of this
stuff do you have?

I'm not sure. I got it from Huey.

Well, where did he get it from?

Hey, Granddad, have you seen that
container of pink gel I was...

Hey, Huey. How much more of
that wave cream do you have?

Granddad, you didn't.

This wave cream you made

is way more than just wave cream.

It grows hair overnight.

It does what?

It grows hair. Long,
straight, beautiful hair.

Granddad, that was a highly
expl*sive compound for a b*mb.

A b*mb? A b*mb?

But you told me it wasn't a b*mb.

You specifically said
it was not a b*mb.

Boy, come here! Come here!

You want to make a b*mb?

I'm gonna b*mb your
narrow ass with this belt.

You got to wash that out right now.
All of you.

No!

You'll never take my hair! No!

Mine, either!

Damn it, boy, why do you
have to ruin everything?

What are you making bombs for?

To k*ll Ed Wuncler II and
get our freedom back.

That's your plan?

You know, for a smart n*gga,

you come up with
some dumb-ass plans.

Now, how much of that b*mb
wave cream do you have?

Hey, that should be the
name "b*mb wave cream."

Good idea.

Write it down before we forget.

Did you not hear me?

One spark, and heads
could actually explode.

"b*mb wave cream. An
expl*si*n of beautiful hair."

Ohhh.

I like that.

Granddad, you're
gonna k*ll people.

We'll put a warning label on it.

"Warning, flammable."

Moral dilemma solved.

Solved, n*gga.

Hey, stop!

Get off me!

I need it! I need it!

Don't you see, Huey?

This... This is our freedom.

I agreed to help
Granddad find a buyer,

if he agreed to wash his hair.

This is Boss Willona,

proprietor of a black beauty
salon we found on Yelp.

Supposedly, she knew everything there
was about black beauty products,

although I started to suspect

her operation might not
be completely legit.

This is a tough business.

Normally, I try to talk people
out of it, but you guys...

You got something
special, very special.

This isn't just hair relaxer.

This is art.

You n*gg*s are some real artists.

We used your gel on the left
half of Hot Chocolate's hair.

b*tches be hatin'.

This is better than
white-bitch hair.

This is damn near
virgin-Cambodian-bitch quality.

So, I can presume
you're interested

in placing an order, Ms. Willona?

Boss Willona.

Excuse me?

I'm a businesswoman, Mr. Freeman.

An African-American entrepreneur.

You don't think I've earned
the right to be called "boss"?

Huh?

I mean, yes, of course.
You're the boss, Willona.

Whoa!

All right, all right, all right.

I'll take all of it...
Whatever you got.

Boss Willona, could I advise
my grandfather briefly?

We need to get up out
of here, Granddad.

Leave? Why?

'Cause they're gangsters.

Gangster? Boy, that's ridiculous.

Miss Boss Willona is a
pillar of the community.

I assure you our operation
is entirely legitimate.

Boss Willona, there's something
you should know about this stuff.

No, there isn't.
Boy, that's enough.

No, Granddad, I think
we should tell them.

Don't listen to him,
boss lady Willona.

Damn, Huey. Why you got
to ruin everything?

We got to tell them.

It's our responsibility
to tell them, Granddad.

You drive me crazy, boy.

Man, Huey, I can't stand you.
Tell us what?

Boss Willona, this
stuff is dangerous.

It's a highly expl*sive compound.

Nobody should ever, ever
put this in their hair.

Damn it, boy. I'm gonna b*at
your ass when we get home.

expl*sive?

You think them b*tches out
there care about a little fire?

This here will turn
your brain green.

This stuff has plutonium.

This one here is acid.

Just acid.

Don't you get it?

These b*tches would put
napalm on their hair

if it would make it straight.

Put a warning label on it.

♪ b*mb!

♪ Kaboom, n*gg*s

♪ It's the b*mb right here

♪ You bad-credit m*therf*cker

♪ Shut up for seven years

♪ We cook it, we pack it,
we move it, we stack it

♪ We re-up, we flip
it we all acrobatics

♪ You see us, yeah, we up

♪ I know you mad at it

♪ We fiends like they be

♪ We all cash addicts

♪ Deal it to the hookers
that bang this sh*t

♪ We get it hand over fist

♪ Like some sign-language sh*t

♪ Honestly, sometimes
I get tired of this sh*t

♪ But it's hard to forget how
they line up for this sh*t

♪ It ain't just cr*ck, n*gga

♪ Everything's a trap

♪ I cook dope verses
and serve hard raps

♪ Hustle this hooptie music

♪ You see me, son

♪ I'm a...

♪ Money machine g*n ♪

Oh, my God, I'm never
gonna look like Beyonce!

So, you're just gonna
sit there and not help?

That's okay. He just don't
get none of this money.

I understand, Huey.

So many bad things
has happened to us.

It's hard not to assume the worst.

But don't you see? This
time, it's different.

This time, everything's
gonna work out perfectly.

I know it.

Next on Channel news...

Could you have a
b*mb in your hair?

We'll tell you which popular
African-American hair-care product

contains a dangerously
expl*sive chemical.

You think they mean us?

The trouble started

when two women attempted to
board a plane and were stopped

after expl*sives were
detected on their person.

Florida Beatrice Jackson

and Teshawndretta Brown were
detained for several hours

before it was finally
discovered that their hair...

Or more precisely, their
hair relaxer was the culprit.

I know we look like A-rabs, all
exotified and whatnot with all this hair,

but we ain't, okay?

So, they need to go f*ck with
them actual A-rab m*therf*ckers

and leave n*gg*s the f*ck alone!

The ironically named hair gel

is the hottest-selling
on the market,

but experts claim a single jar
contains enough high expl*sives

to destroy a small
plane or a Prius.

Channel obtained a
sample of the hair gel

and placed it in the wig
you see on this mannequin.

You can see for yourself

the massive destructive
power of this product.

Right like white beauty shop,

which said it had
sold out of the product,

claimed it would not
be ordering any more

but refused to disclose the
name of the manufacturer.

See? No snitching.

That's what I'm talking about.
Shush!

Meanwhile, authorities are urging
people who bought the product

to call the police,

and their local b*mb squad will
properly dispose of the gel.

This afternoon, the state
legislature held an emergency session

to make sale or possession of
the hair gel a t*rror1st offense,

punishable by t*rture,
indefinite rendition,

and execution by drone strike.

And they'll deserve it.

Tim, back to you.

Does this mean we can't
make no more money?

No, it's not over.

We'll appeal, shift blame.
They knew the risk.

There was a warning label.

Are you serious?

It's Willona.

So, uh, I took the liberty
of returning your money.

Hope there are no hard feelings.

I don't want the
money back, Robert.

I want more gel.

A lot more.

But, Boss Willona,

b*mb hair gel has been declared
a controlled substance.

Selling more would be unthinkable.

I don't believe it's
the government's right

to tell black women they can't
have long, beautiful hair.

Uh-uh. Or black men, either.

So, you don't care
that it's illegal?

Just between us,

my business isn't
entirely legitimate.

No!

You shouldn't have promised
her more, Granddad.

There is no way I'm making more.

Fine. We'll make it.

Yeah, yeah. We'll make it, n*gga.

You think you the only one in
this house who knows chemistry?

Obviously.

Okay. Well, uh-huh. I got a
little of the stuff left.

I can send it to a lab. Yeah.

That always works on TV.
I'll get it analyzed.

I'll make it myself.
How hard could it be?

Analyzed, n*gga.

Even if you could
get the ingredients,

you mix that stuff the wrong way,

you'll blow up the whole
house with us in it.

Wuncler owns this house.

I don't give a f*ck.

Granddad, stop!

You can help me do it safely or
watch me blow this m*therf*cker up.

Your call, n*gga.

You two have to follow
my instructions exactly.

No problem. Okay, okay, Huey.
I see you.

Maybe you ain't so gay after all.

And we can't do it here.

We need to set up somewhere
nobody will find it.

Ew. Couldn't you have
gotten something nicer?

We ain't taking it to a car show.

We're cooking hair relaxer.
Will this work?

Yeah. It'll work.

All right. Let's get to it. Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What you doing?

I can't have my clothes
smelling like this stuff.

Yes, you can.

Hey, I ain't getting in there

until he put on some clothes.

Shut up. Let's get to it.

Why he always finding
excuses to get naked, Huey?

It's gay. Even worse,
it's h*m*.

Well, what now?

Now we call Boss Willona.

So, this is where you make it?

Smart.

Nobody will ever find this.

And everything you need
is right in there, huh?

Aw, man. Why didn't we
think to bring no g*n?

Don't take this personal, guys.

I'm a businesswoman.

It's just business.

I'ma get sh*t by a gay dude.
How embarrassing.

What? What do you want?

The formula. Teach
us how to make it.

Mwah!

Ugh.

Toodles.

Put out the cigarette.

Let me see.

I'll just take a little pour,

then a pinch and a splash.

Or is it a splash, then
a pinch and a pour?

Wrong one.

Go!

Riley!

Granddad!

We got to get out of here!

This is all your fault, Granddad.

If we die, I ain't never
gonna forgive you.

Don't turn over!

Robert! You lazy n*gga!

You're supposed to
be at the car wash!

I'm docking you a full day's pay!

It's not fair! I can't take it!

Those m*therf*ckers.
They took everything!

They can't get away with it!
They can't!

They can't get away with it!

Oh, my head.

Yo, this n*gga done
lost his damn mind.

Hoo-hoo. Let's go.

Keys?

Uh-uh, but I can hot-wire
this m*therf*cker.

Ohhh, I wish I'd d*ed in Korea!

In retrospect, it was my fault.

Let's go home.

But... what about this?

There are two bodies in there.

We chop 'em up and
dump the bodies.

No. No.

Look... Look at the
example I'm setting.

None of this is okay.

I'm a terrible grandparent.

You boys deserve better than this.

I'm gonna turn myself in.

Got it!

What the f*ck.

Which way you say home was?
This way.

I hope nobody see us walking
home with you in your underwear.