[Velma]
My name is Velma Dinkley.
[thunder rumbling]
And this is my origin story.
Sure, normally, origin stories
are about tall, handsome guys
struggling with the burden
of being handed
even more power.
And if they are about girls,
it's usually like,
"Hey, what made
this hot chick go crazy?"
So, to remedy this,
I've decided
to finally share...
- [creaking]
- ...the bone-chilling events
that drove me to assemble
the greatest team
of spooky mystery solvers ever.
Yeah, it was me.
Not Fred and his weird sex van.
This is my story, told my way.
And it starts
with a m*rder, bitch.
[school bell ringing]
Brenda?
Ugh.
[groans] This school sucks.
[giggling]
[Daphne claps] Oh, hey.
Team shower
discussion topic of the day.
Have you ever noticed
how pilot episodes of TV shows
always have
more gratuitous sex and nudity
than the rest of the series?
- Oh, my God, I have.
- So true.
That's how we learned
what Rachel Brosnahan's boobs look like.
And Don Cheadle's butt.
Well, I, for one,
think it's lame.
- Agreed.
- So lame.
The lamest.
Oh, I actually kind of love it.
- [girls gasps]
- Sex sells.
And in today's
overcrowded market,
you need a hook.
Um, the only hook
a good show ever needs
is good storytelling.
Then why was your favorite part
of the Riverdale pilot
when Betty and Veronica kissed?
Well, because
it was instantly called out
- as tired in the scene.
- [grunts]
No. It's because it was hot.
You can
have it both ways. [groans]
No, you can't.
Just admit
we are all secretly perverts.
- Never!
- [grunts]
[gasps, grunting]
[gasps]
[screaming]
[grunts]
And how do you feel about
race-blind casting, Daphne?
Well, as an Asian woman,
I, um, think it's cool.
I mean, not to oversimplify
a thorny issue,
but everyone loves it when white people
play Jesus or a professional boxer.
Why can't it ever go
the other way, right?
Uh, yes.
I wasn't expecting
such an enlightened answer
from such a bitch.
Velma?
What the hell?
You almost k*lled me.
Guess I didn't try hard enough.
See? Now, if this was a show,
it'd be super hot
if you two kissed.
Krista, if this was a show,
you'd be k*lled off
for being horny.
Brenda?
Wait, did you climb in my locker to prove
how skinny you are again?
Ugh. We get it.
[all screaming]
She has no brain!
- [screaming stops]
- [scoffs]
I am not dissing her.
She has no brain.
[screaming]
[opening theme music playing]
[siren wailing]
[Velma] Hello?
Anybody? I know my rights.
I get a phone call
and a handsome detective
I infuriate
with my indifference.
- [gasps]
- [creature] Who k*lled Brenda, Velma?
You're not real,
you're not real.
[woman] Who isn't real, sweetie?
[Velma gasps]
Uh, God's not real if you two morons
are running this investigation.
[laughs] Oh, how we've missed
that sense of humor, girl.
Seriously. How long has it been since Daphne
had you over to our house?
Uh, since my mom went missing.
Two years ago.
Oh, right. That.
Oh, my God. You totally forgot.
No, we didn't.
Every day,
we're closer to finding Doodad.
Diya. Her name is Diya.
You know what?
We're done here. Peace.
[gasps]
Unfortunately,
we're not done here, Velma.
You're a suspect in Brenda's m*rder.
Now sit.
I'm a suspect?
I thought lesbians
were good at solving crimes.
It's like the one positive stereotype
perpetuated by cop shows.
Velma,
she was found in your locker
and you were lurking
around the showers
like a gym teacher who isn't
a gym teacher anymore.
Clearly,
someone's trying to frame me.
And I wasn't lurking.
I was waiting to shower alone.
Because of your weight?
What? No.
Because of your handsome face?
My face is fine.
Because of your
hairy gorilla arm?
No, because I hate your stupid
adopted daughter and her fake-ass friends.
And yet you and Daphne used
to be best friends. Isn't that right?
Yeah, until Daphne got hot
and ditched me
to hang out with Brenda
and the other popular girls
- at Spooner's Malt Shop.
- [laughter echoing]
I could k*ll them all.
Okay, I see how this looks bad.
Look, we know you couldn't
k*ll Brenda, sweetie,
but we also know we're not, like,
the best detectives.
So the only way we're going to convince
the sheriff you're innocent
is if you help us find
Brenda's actual m*rder*r.
Help you find
Brenda's m*rder*r?
But that's a mystery.
And I don't solve mysteries.
Not anymore.
Then you're screwed.
You've got hours
and then we arrest you.
But still, so good seeing you.
We miss you.
Say hi to your father
and Doodad.
Diya!
[cell phone beeps]
[sighs]
[yelps, grunts]
Hey!
Watch where you're going, jerk.
- Oh. [giggles] Hey, Fred.
- [camera shutter clicks]
- Do I know you?
- It's Velma, from school.
You cheat off me in Spanish
because you think I'm Mexican.
Maybe.
I have a disease where I can't
recognize people who aren't hot.
My doctor says it's basically
sickle cell for rich guys.
Is it called rudeness?
It is. You're like, smart.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
Yeah, not a compliment.
Anyway, have you seen Daphne?
- She texted...
- [Daphne] Oh, Fred.
Thank God you're here.
- Whoa!
- Brenda's...
Into me. No, I know.
I'm caliente,
as this one's people would say.
No. Brenda's dead.
What? No!
She was my plan B
if you ever got too clingy.
What happened?
- Ask Velma.
- Who?
Me, Fred.
We were just... [sighs]
Forget it.
[both moaning]
- [zipper unzips]
- [Daphne] Mm.
- Not now, Daph. Geez.
- [squeals]
Then when, Fred? When?
And just FYI,
I didn't k*ll Brenda.
- [gasps]
- [creature] And how are you going to prove that, Velma?
You don't solve
mysteries anymore.
You're not real.
You're not real.
[inhales, whimpers]
- Seriously, who is this weirdo?
- [Velma whimpering]
Did your moms, like,
adopt another kid?
[Velma screaming]
Dad! You can't just eat soggy fries
from the takeout container.
You have to crisp them
in the oven first.
I saw you eat a fry out of the vacuum cleaner
last week, so spare me.
- I've had a long day.
- You've had a long day?
I was accused
of a m*rder I didn't commit.
And whose fault is that?
Excuse me?
Don't you raise your eyebrows
at me, Steve Harvey.
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
[scoffs] Fine.
Velma, I love you.
But I'm a lawyer,
so trust me when I say this.
People only think
you m*rder*d Brenda because you...
Were voted "Most Revenge-y"
in the school yearbook. I know.
Oh, those yearbook guys
have no idea what's coming to them.
No, because you're a weirdo.
Ever since
your mother disappeared,
you haven't even tried to hang out
with the normal kids
at Spooner's Malt Shop.
Maybe I'd hang out there more
if you hadn't knocked up
a Spooner's waitress
while your actual wife
is still missing.
Velma, that's not fair!
I'm not just a waitress.
I'm also...
A basic bitch who doesn't even know
how to use hashtags?
No, I'm also, hashtag,
the owner of Spooner's.
Oh! The baby's kicking hashtag.
Hashtag, get my new camera
out of my bag, Aman.
[camera shutter clicks]
You got an actual camera?
With what money?
Dad says we can't even afford
to buy me a second sweater.
Oh, God!
I know,
but it's about priorities.
You need a real camera
to capture real,
unmanufactured moments.
Well, I have to go
prepare myself for prison.
Not that you care.
Velma, real talk,
shero to shero.
People only think
you're a m*rder*r
because you're a creepy loser.
But that will change tonight,
when you become a glamorous waitress
at Spooner's Malt Shop.
[screams]
♪ If you're horny ♪
♪ Let's do it ♪
♪ Ride it, my pony ♪
[sobbing]
That was Brenda's
favorite song.
And yeah, normally in pop culture,
when a slutty girl is m*rder*d,
we're all a little like,
"Well, maybe she deserved it."
But that is what made Brenda
so special.
She was the rare slut
that did not deserve to be m*rder*d.
- [clapping]
- Thank you, Krista.
That was beautiful.
But Brenda wasn't
just a rare slut.
She was a rare friend.
In fact,
she was such a rare friend,
she made my previous so-called
best friend look like a piece of crap.
[groans]
Especially now that I know
she's the main suspect in Brenda's m*rder.
Daphne, sweetie,
that was private.
[scoffs]
Bump this noise.
[door creaking]
[sighs]
Nope.
Ugh.
- [whimpering]
- Hello?
[whimpering]
You're not real.
I am real! A real man, Father!
[both grunt]
Who are you?
If I tell you,
will you remember?
I have an illness!
What are you
doing out here, Fred?
I guess since you're a stranger
I'll never see again, I can tell you.
I'm trying
to pull myself together
so I can be the man
my father expects me to be.
Zam! DILF city.
- Sorry. Continue.
- No, I get it.
And I want to be
as manly as him.
But since Brenda d*ed,
I can't stop crying like a total puss.
Hey, hey. It's okay. I get it.
I have this whole thing
with my mom.
Did she put her cigars
out on you?
Uh, no.
My mom smoked cigarettes.
Figuring that out was
the first mystery I ever solved.
Oh, sh*t. Hi, sweetie.
Oh. [laughs]
See, my mother wrote mysteries.
Hmm. [gasps]
And from that day on,
she gave me
little mysteries to solve
while she worked and smoked.
Like the case
of the missing idea juice.
But eventually,
I grew bold,
and sought mysteries of my own.
But instead of feeling excited
I found my Christmas presents,
I felt terrible.
I'd ruined Christmas.
But still,
my mom felt so bad for me,
she ran out to buy something
I could unwrap
Christmas morning.
That was the last time
I ever saw her.
Hey, don't forget
to buy yourself something from me.
That night,
the police found my mom's car
abandoned and empty,
except for her glasses,
and a single
wrapped gift for me.
So I put on my mom's glasses
and vowed I wouldn't
open her gift
until I found her.
But I felt so guilty
that it was my mystery solving
that had caused her
to go missing,
I started having
horrifying hallucinations.
[creature]
This is all your fault, Velma.
- Why did you have to go and solve your own mystery?
- [screaming]
Now, when I try
to solve a mystery,
my guilt triggers a potentially
heart-stopping hallucination.
Could exercising
and eating less fried food help?
We'll never know.
Wow. After hearing that,
I not only feel
emotionally hooked,
I understand the stakes
of your journey, Velma.
[gasps] You remembered my name.
Huh? That's never happened
to me before.
- [engine revving]
- [tires screech]
Fred! Watch out!
You're right! If anyone ever
saw me talking to you, I'd die of shame.
- [car honking]
- [both grunt]
- [screams]
- [tires screech]
Velma!
There you are!
Norville? What the hell?
You didn't answer my VMs.
Voice mails.
And then my dad heard me
call you the B word,
so I lost my phone
for hours.
But I had to find you
because I still didn't know
if you'd listened to my VMs,
voice mails,
let alone responded. Did you?
Yes. And I don't want to do
our math homework together.
Just email me
your answers like always.
Yes, of course.
Though I left you
some other VMs, voice...
I know what VMs are!
Get to the point.
I already did.
- In my VMs.
- Ugh.
- [beeps]
- [Norville over phone] Velma,
it's Norville. From math.
I know who k*lled Brenda.
[gasps] Oh, my God. Who?
I left you six more VMs.
So I guess what I'm saying is,
I don't know who k*lled Brenda.
Damn it, Norville,
you're wasting my time.
If I can't convince people
I didn't k*ll Brenda by tomorrow,
I'm going to be arrested.
I know, But I also know
how to find out
who did k*ll Brenda.
Have you ever wondered
why Spooner's,
a boring malt shop owned by a woman
with a "breathe" tattoo,
is the coolest spot
in Crystal Cove?
Only every day of my life.
On TV shows,
the malt shop owner
is always a friendly Black man,
or a spicy meatball Italian.
So you're like, "Oh, the kids come here
for the folksy wisdom."
But Sophie has no wisdom.
Just a lot of T-shirts
with puns about wine.
Exactly. I think it has
something to do with dr*gs.
Which I hate.
So, I had one of my reporters
on the school newspaper investigate Spooner's.
Guess which one.
Uh, Dorkus McNoFriends?
Well, Dorkus was actually busy.
So I gave Brenda my camera
to photograph
anything suspicious there.
And she said she got a picture
of something weird in the bathroom,
but didn't say what.
Wait. So you think...
No, I know Brenda was m*rder*d
to keep that photograph from getting out.
[gasps] Holy crap.
Sophie just got a new camera,
which I know we can't afford.
Hashtag, get my new camera
out of my bag, Aman.
But what if she didn't buy it?
What if she took it from Brenda
after k*lling her,
to protect the secret
of Spooner's popularity?
If I can find
your camera on Sophie,
I'd solve Brenda's m*rder
and send Sophie to jail.
It's a win-win.
Or maybe we could find
the camera together?
Together? Oh.
- Hmm.
- Oh, yeah. Just because it's mine.
But also your hallucinations.
I could maybe help?
Oh, Okay. Phew.
I thought you were, like,
suggesting a date.
A date? [scoffs] You wish.
[scoffs, chuckles]
A date. What? [chortles]
[snoring]
[grunts]
[cat yowls]
Holy mother of God.
Yes, it's true.
Sophie photographs babies
dressed up as vegetables.
It's our dirty little secret.
But that's how
she afforded the new camera.
Okay, but if this isn't
Norville's camera,
who k*lled Brenda?
- [growls]
- [yelps]
Oh, no! The camera!
[screaming]
- Is someone trying to solve a mystery?
- [heart thumping]
No. I was just
asking a question.
[screaming]
Heart att*ck. [screams]
Velma, what is this?
Did you eat
all the gummy vitamins again?
Damn it, Aman. Can't you see
that she's trying to solve a mystery?
[both grunting]
- [gasps, coughs]
- There you go.
- Get it all out.
- [coughing]
Yep. Okay. Oh, boy.
- Still more.
- [sighs]
I'm sorry.
I thought you k*lled Brenda
because she figured out
the secret
to your diner's popularity.
I get that.
But there isn't
any secret to it.
Just good food, great tunes.
And I let teens
have sex in the bathroom.
And I'm sorry I didn't believe you
about your hallucinations.
But, Velma, I told you this.
Your mother didn't go missing
because you solved a mystery.
She left us.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
No, she didn't.
Something bad happened to her,
and it's my fault.
Because if Mom just left us,
it means she didn't love us.
Which is insane. Sure, you were
a huge jerk, Dad, but I was...
["Sweet But Psycho" playing]
Oh, my eye!
My book!
[grunts]
My idea juice!
[gasps]
[music stops]
Oh, God.
Mom wasn't taken.
She left because she hated us.
Yes.
So you can stop feeling guilty
about your mysteries, beti.
And you can start changing your personality
to fit in and avoid prison.
Whoo-hoo!
What? Too soon?
No.
No, you're right.
It's time to stop
feeling guilty and move on.
[coughs]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[pop music playing]
[students gasp]
Wow.
Are you an exchange student
from a more
sexually liberated country?
- No, it's Velma.
- [students gasp]
I'm just unburdened
by the belief
I caused my mother
to go missing.
Well, now that you're not
a total dog,
do you want to hang out
at Spooner's Malt Shop later?
Yes.
Because I'm just a normal,
well-adjusted teen now.
Like all of you.
She is.
My opinion's changed.
Velma,
do you like playing cards?
Because I'm calling bullshit.
This outfit
is clearly just a ploy
to make us think you're not
a brain-removing
serial k*ller anymore.
Uh, no, it's not.
- [students booing]
- [grunting]
- [gasps]
- [grunts]
[shrieks]
[screams]
Enough!
My fellow populars, yes.
Underneath
this banging new look,
Velma is still the fashionably
challenged loser
we depend on
for group projects.
But last night, we spoke.
And yes, while it was awful,
I learned this is not a creature
capable of m*rder. Nay.
It is just a scared little boy
who wants our friendship.
[groans]
[cheering]
[scoffs]
[sighs] Perfect.
[gasps]
- Well, well, well.
- [toilet flushes]
- Well, well, well.
- [toilet flushes]
[whistling]
- Well, well, well.
- Look, whatever this is, can you just get to it?
Class is starting.
I have a whole speech.
[school bell ringing]
[scoffs]
Fine. I'll just
skip to the main part.
Well, guess what, Velma?
If you want my boyfriend,
you can have him.
Boyfriend?
You think I want Fred?
I mean, sure,
if someone was, like,
"Want to see
a naked picture of Fred?"
I'd be like, "Hubba hubba!"
But I'd say that about anyone.
LeBron, Helen Mirren, a mummy.
Fred? Naked?
[scoffs] Hilarious.
We've been dating for a year,
and he still won't even take his pants off.
A year?
- He gay?
- I haven't heard that rumor.
I have heard rumors
about other people.
Yeah, we've all heard
those rumors.
Anyway, Fred's so self-conscious
about his body,
he kicks everyone out of the bathroom
at Spooner's Malt Shop
when he has to use it.
- So have fun with that.
- [door creaks]
Wait. The bathroom
at Spooner's Malt Shop?
Oh, my God.
Norville!
Hey, I was rethinking
our friendship this morning,
and maybe it's healthy if I...
No time!
Drive me to Fred's house!
I'll get my windbreaker.
Why would Fred k*ll Brenda
just because she photographed him
in the bathroom?
Why wouldn't he?
If I were a rich white dude,
I'd k*ll everybody
just to get away with it.
But won't looking for my camera
trigger your potentially fatal hallucinations?
Though
"Saving Friend from Death"
would make
for a great college essay.
My hallucinations have stopped.
Once I realized
solving mysteries
didn't cause
my mom to go missing,
I no longer felt the guilt
that triggered them.
Okay, but have you given
any thought
to all the other ways you could
die trying to solve a mystery?
- [grunting]
- Crushed by a revolving bookcase?
att*cked by bats.
Falling off a fence.
Stop. I'll be fine.
- [grunts] Ahh!
- [rustling]
Velma, did you fall?
No, I'm cool
and graceful like a swan.
Okay, 'cause it really
sounded like you fell.
[owl hooting]
[creaking]
- [cell phone ringing]
- [gasps]
What?
I'm bored.
Norville! Get off my jock
and let me solve this mystery.
[yelps]
[whimpering]
- Oh. God, I'm starting to hallucinate.
- [heart thumping]
[Norville over phone]
You just said those were over.
Well, I guess I needed
more than three minutes online
to make a mental health
diagnosis, didn't I?
Oh.
Wait. This isn't so bad.
No, it's not bad, Velma.
But it's going to be!
- [screeching]
- [Velma screams]
Help me, Norville!
[cackling]
[grunts]
Velma! Velma! Can you hear me?
Just remember,
these hallucinations are only in your head,
so focus on what I'm saying.
- [distorted moaning] Velma!
- [Velma grunts]
[growling] Velma.
You're not
saying anything. [screams]
I know! I'm, uh, kind of drawing
a blank right now.
[whimpers, screams]
Have you seen
any good movies lately?
Oh, God.
Here comes the big one.
- Stop! You can't die.
- [heart thumping]
Why? I'm weird
and no one likes me.
That's not true.
I like you.
Like, like like you.
- Wait, what?
- [softly groaning] Velma.
No, you don't.
You're like a brother to me.
That's hilarious.
[chuckling]
[gasps] Wait. Norville.
Your joke worked, you genius.
- Keep making me laugh.
- I wasn't joking.
- Your face is why I get up in the morning.
- [laughing]
That's perfect.
One more time should do it.
Make it super cringy.
[sighs] You're the main character
in all my dreams.
[laughing]
Okay, stop.
I'm peeing. I'm peeing.
Norville, it worked.
Who knew you were so funny?
Yes, it's hilarious.
I'm the funniest man alive.
[siren wailing]
This is not
what I need right now.
Bingo.
Well.
These are just
Krista hooking up with...
Damn, Krista. Get it.
But why does
Fred have the camera?
- Because Velma,
- [gasps]
Brenda also photographed this.
[gasps]
Wait. Your secret is
you're hairless?
Uh, if I was hairless,
I'd literally wear
a bikini to school every day.
Not hairless, Velma.
I haven't finished going
through puberty yet.
I'm a late bloomer.
How else are my features
so boyishly delicate?
But Father says,
if people know,
they'll laugh,
and never respect me
as the man
and unquestioned leader
that I am meant to be.
So we keep the secret
hidden away
to avoid embarrassment.
Which is why Brenda,
and her stupid camera
left me no choice
but the unthinkable.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
I'm just gonna to do to you
what I did to Brenda.
[gasps]
[whimpers, breathes heavily]
- [g*nshots]
- [Velma gasps]
[screams] What the hell?
[groaning]
You saved my life.
You're not terrible cops,
after all.
They assumed
you were a package thief.
- It worked out, didn't it?
- [chuckles]
Okay. Well,
I proved my innocence.
Can I go?
I'd like to wash
Fred's leg blood out of my mouth.
Yeah, sweetie,
you're free to go.
But we're taking credit
for the arrest.
Linda lost her taser on a loop-de-loop
roller-coaster last week,
so, uh, we need a win.
Wait. You think
I k*lled Brenda?
You just said
you were going to do to me
what you did to her.
I meant pay you to keep quiet.
I'm innocent.
I'm too much of a puss
to k*ll someone.
I'd laugh, Fred.
If I wasn't standing next to this
secret comedian over here.
Man, if I found
humor attractive,
I would be
all over you right now.
Oh, well.
[sighs]
Hey, so if you no longer feel guilty
for your mom's disappearance,
why do you think
you hallucinated?
The rules feel a bit muddy.
Muddy?
Oh, sorry I'm not a drunk
on the verge of losing custody,
like every other woman
solving murders these days.
Clearly I hallucinated
because I do still feel guilty.
As annoying as I was,
in my heart,
I know my mom
loves me too much to have left.
It was my mystery solving
that caused her disappearance.
But after catching Fred,
I'm back, baby.
I'm gonna find my mom,
or die trying.
Yuck! That is one mystery
I don't want to solve.
Right? [chuckles]
[yelps] Uh...
Velma,
you should see this.
[groans]
[gasps]
Oh, God! Krista!
And she also has no brain!
[closing theme music playing]