02x02 - The Trials of Vasselheim

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

[chuckles] It worked.

I can't believe it actually...

[screaming]

Oh, sh*t!

Guys, stop! No, no, no!
Don't step through!

[all screaming]

Pike, grab my claw!

- Wait, what?!
- [screeches]

Gods! I hope she catches us!

[screaming]

♪ The landing's gonna be
a bit rough ♪

♪ I'll save our asses
with some butt stuff ♪

[both grunt]

Before I met you, I would have
found this very upsetting.

[screaming]

[grunts]

[Grog grunts]

Come on. [grunts]

Good thing these titties
were here.

[chuckles]

What?

Okay, that was not my fault.

I told Keeper Yennen
I have to know the tree.

I mean, she was so vague.

Whoa.

You guys?

We made it.

Is that Vassem...?
Uh... Vagil...?

Vasselheim.

Our only chance.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[horses neighing]

[Percy] Remember,
we're not here as tourists.

We need to find allies
to fight the conclave.

[Pike] I have a good feeling
about this place,

Percy, don't worry.

Oi, state your business.

Good sir,
I am Lord Percival Fredrickstein

von Musel Klossowski
de Rolo III,

and I require an audience
with the Dawn Marshals...

Well, my name's Rob
and I require a sandwich.

You're holding up the line.

[chuckles] You don't understand.

I have diplomatic credentials
from Whitestone...

You want the Marshals,
go to the Platinum Sanctuary

and find 'em yourself.

Now, g'day.

[Grog] Um, did he say "bidet"?

Oh, and the bear waits...

Waits outside, yes, we know.

[growls]

That usually works.

Of course, darling.

I'm sure it happens
to all the nobles.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Keyleth] Good day.
- [man grumbles]

G'day. G'day.

- [woman] Hello.
- Oh, bidet.

[gasps] Bidet. Oh, bidet.

Oh, tourists.

[Scanlan] Yikes,
lots of temples and no brothels.

You're telling me people
choose to live here?

Almost every Prime Deity
is represented.

The Wildmother.

Oh, the Stormlord.

The Lawbearer.

[Percy] The Dawn Marshals
head each temple

and decide what Vasselheim
will or will not do.

With my expertise in statecraft,

I can negotiate terms
that will...

All due respect,
we saw your statecraft

back at the gate.

These are priests,
this is a temple.

Oh, who's standing
right in front of you?

Yeah, me, a holy person.

I got this.

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, pardon us.

We come seeking an audience.

I am Highbearer Vord.

The Platinum Sanctuary
will hear your business.

Highbearer, I am Pike Trickfoot
of the Everlight.

A great evil has
befallen Tal'Dorei.

You see, dragons have...

The water reveals the truth.

Hmm?

[Vord] Grant us vision.

[dragons roaring]

[crowd clamoring]

[crowd screaming]

This evil must be met
with holiness.

Which is why we humbly ask
all the mighty temples

of Vasselheim to lend their aid.

You have our sympathies
and our hospitality.

But that is all.

You won't help us?

You have weapons.

Ballistae. Armies.

You have the strongest
city in the world.

- Diplomacy demands that...
- [Vord] Let me correct you.

Vasselheim's most potent w*apon

is not its a*tillery, young man.

It is our isolation.

This city has stood
for millennia

by keeping the affairs
of Tal'Dorei outside.

If you turn your back on this,
more will die.

Vasselheim could be next.

When peril arrives here,

our walls stand ready.

But until then,

this peril is yours alone.

Now, good day.

[chuckles]

I think you mean "bidet."

Oh, gods.

[footfalls echoing]

Well, that's a new record.
Usually it takes us ten minutes

to get kicked out of a palace.

Whew. We're getting better.

[birds squawking]

They saw the Chroma Conclave.

And they didn't even care.

I mean, they have
a duty to justice.

[growling]

- Oh!
- Are you spying on us?

Yes. I mean, no. Aah!

I mean, I heard
what you said in there.

And I know who you are.

Listen, I serve the Highbearer,
so I can't say much.

But if you're slaying dragons,

you need the Slayer's Take.

- Interesting.
- Absolutely not.

[both growl]

The Marshals are
bound by politics.

But there is someone
at the Slayer's Take

who can act independently.

They'll want to hear from you.

Ask to speak to their patron.

And please...

forget you ever met me.
[exclaims]

The Slayer's Take?

[sighs] Don't ask.

A group of hunters for hire.

Vasselheim used to be
surrounded by legendary beasts

until the Take cleared them out.

Legendary beasts?

Like dragons?

[male voice] Hunger.

Hmm?

Did you say something, Scan-man?

What? No.
Clean out your ears, buddy.

[Vex] Never heard of any patron,

but we're short on options.

Options? Oh, didn't realize

painful death was an option now.

You forget, I have
an old friend on the inside.

- Zahra?
- "Friend" is a generous term.

If there's a chance,

even a small one,

we have to take it.

We're in a holy city.

What do say we take
a leap of faith?

[sighs]

[male voice] I hunger.

Oh, I am hungry.

[laughs] Thanks, stomach.

[sniffs] Mmm.

Get some yum-yum in my tum-tum.

[muffled shouting]

Well, they spelled
some of it right.

[laughter]
[indistinct chatter]

[woman] Oh, f*ck off,
you big f*ck.

[Vax] Remember, no one in the
Slayer's Take is to be trusted.

Just keep your cool, find their
patron, and get the hell out.

Ooh, can we grab an ale
while we're here... on Vax?

[groans] Scanlan,
we don't have time.

[Kashaw] Well, hello there.

I feel like
I haven't met you yet.

Who, me?

But you?

Ah, you have those faces,
they're...

they're just so familiar.

Where have I seen them before?

[grunts]

Oh, that's right.

You're famous.

Eyes up, g*ng!

Got ourselves a bounty.

[laughter]

[all clamoring]

What did you do?

Well...

Unless you want your skulls
ground into powder,

you might want to step back.
Right, Grog?

- Grog?
- Aw, sh*t.

- We lost Grog?
- [clamoring]

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah.

That hit the spot. [belches]

[farts]
Uh-oh. All right.

Time to find my friends
and save the world.

Ooh!

Whoa.

Whoa, nice decor, too.

[chuckles] Hello?

Um... [clears throat] Bidet?

[faint chanting]

Hmm.

Oh, sh*t.

Uh, sorry to wake you.
Uh, I'll just...

You seek answers,
Grog Strongjaw.

[gasps] You know my name?

Uh, question,
did you say yours already

and I just forgot, or...?

I am Earthbreaker Groon.

Anyone entering
the Stormlord's ring

seeks something.

You are no different.

Okay, since you asked.

Uh, we do need to fight
these dragons and...

[Groon] The Stormlord is not
concerned with dragons.

His interest is in warriors.

But you are no warrior.

Your mind is clouded
with weakness.

Weak? Ha!

You got the wrong guy.

The answers you seek are earned,

not given.

In the field of combat.

Uh, but you're, like... old.

Come now, strike me,
and you will learn

what you lack.

Mm, this feels real weird.

But f*ck it.

Let's get ugly, Grandpa.

[laughter]

[Kashaw] Ooh, tough spot.

[Vex] Not the first time
I've been wanted,

if you know what I mean.

I'm Vex.

Zahra's very close friend.

Kashaw,
but you can call me Kash.

Like money. So clever.

You're very close to me. Hey, Z?

Are you expecting
annoying visitors?

[creature squeaks]

[gurgles]

[Zahra] Visitors?

No.

[exhales]

Zahra, darling.

Still sharpening your horns,
I see.

Yes, and you're still sticking

dead things in your hair.

When's the last time
we saw each other?

Was it...?

Oh, I know. When you ditched us

to poach my monster

and steal the Take's reward.

You heard
about our little prank?

[scoffs] You're not as charming
as you think, Vex'ahlia.

You never were.

Hmm, as much
as I'd love to chitchat,

we're actually
on urgent business.

We need to see your patron?

No one sees her.

Especially not someone
who owes the Take...

how much was it, Kash?

, gold
or the head of a hydra.

Got either on you?

, is nothing compared

to the horde of a dragon.

A dragon?

Four, actually.

All incredibly wealthy.

Help us
and that wealth could be yours.

[laughs] Oh, please.

They're destroying Tal'Dorei.

k*lling innocent people.

This isn't about money.

This is about saving lives.

[laughter]

[Kashaw] Aw, I just want
to put her in my pocket.

I know, she's so cute.

Ah, I'm sorry, love.

The Slayer's Take doesn't do
anything for free.

Now...

let's discuss your payment plan.

With interest.

[all grunting]

Super shitty time to lose Grog.

Look, we're not here
to fight you.

Well, this will be easy then.

[growls, snorts]

[laughs]

Damn it! Don't you get it?

We're trying to save
the f*cking world!

[groans]

[roars]

[female voice] Hold!

Not sure I want to know
what that was.

[female voice] I will
take care of Vox Machina.

[Zahra] You heard her.

f*ck.

[clank]
[whirring]

[all shouting]

Where do you find your strength?

What you mean?

Aah!

[coughing]

You walk between worlds.

Weakness in mind and weakness

in conviction.

Where does
your strength come from?

[Grog groans, scoffs]

I wasn't ready.
I'd like to see you

try that again after I ra...

[grunts]

[coughs]

[weakly] Rage.

[grunts]

[doors creak shut]

Yeah, I got to say,
I'm not a fan

of the sudden drops today.

I recall you saying you were
friends with those people.

I may have misjudged
our relationship.

[Vax] Look on the bright side.

At least they can't m*rder us
down here.

[creature growling]

But whatever that is can.

Maybe they want to help?

[Vax] Hello?

[groans]

God, this city blows.

[growling]

[grunts]

Don't those usually,
you know, come back?

[female voice] Weapons
are useless here.

You're scared.

I wonder, how do you hope
to avenge Emon,

when darkness makes you tremble

like children?

Are you... the patron?

How astute.

Call me Osysa.

Chosen of the Knowing Mistress

and Patron of the Slayer's Take.

[Keyleth] A Sphinx.

I didn't realize
they still existed.

[Pike] We humbly seek your aid.

Yes.

You hope to save Tal'Dorei.

You know of the dragons?

Please, we're desperate.

But you haven't the slightest
idea what it will cost.

- [Pike shouting]
- Pike! Aah!

[Scanlan echoing]

[others screaming]

- [grunts]
- [Osysa] Ah, the twins.

You depended entirely
on your sister.

[both gasp]

You...

hopelessly seeking
your father's love.

Both unprepared.

[screams]

[clears throat]

[Groon] Show me your conviction.

Where does
your strength come from?

[sighs]

Why do you keep saying that?!

[grunts]

- Hmm.
- [Grog shouting]

You wield such a dark w*apon.

A reliance
that proves your frailty.

[grunting]

What have we done?

Show yourself!

[Osysa] Why would I listen
to the cursed heir?

Who wallows in self-pity,

begging to be trusted again.

[panting]

[shouting]

[grunts]

She's trying
to get in our heads.

[Osysa] Says the hopeless
holy warrior.

You don't even have faith

that you can save
those dearest to you.

This doesn't have to be a fight.

If you won't help us,
we can leave.

[Osysa] Fleeing
from your duties again, Keyleth?

Tell me,
what do you fear more...

failing your Aramenté?

Or knowing
no one will live long enough

to see you achieve it?

[screams]

You don't have to call out
my sh*t, okay?

I know I can be
kind of annoying.

[Osysa] No one cares about you.

I'm no different.

- [growls]
- [Scanlan] Well, damn.

[grunting]
[bones crunch]

[sighs]

Where does
your strength come from?

This is one of them
trick questions.

You want me to say
my muscles or my rage.

But I know it's my heart.

That's my real strength.

[Groon] Wrong.

[grunting]

[Osysa growls]

Paralyzed by fear.

You want to turn
your back and run,

like you have all your lives.

[all panting]

How do you expect
to save the world

if you can't even save
yourselves?

- [Grog grunting]
- Where does your strength

come from?!

[shouts]

I don't...

know.

I've seen the same
for a hundred years.

Fools who think they can make
a difference but can't deliver.

Leave now with whatever dignity

you have left.

f*ck dignity.

I'm not leaving.

Not giving up...

until someone listens.

And if I don't?

Would you sacrifice your life
just to prove a point?

[Pike] I don't care if I die.
None of us do.

But we're not leaving.

We won't be ignored.

[Osysa] You have found
what you need.

The will to give everything.

[grunting]

Oh, okay, oh. Easy.

You have much to learn
about being a warrior.

Seeking the path
to true strength

is the first step.

[exhales]

Cool.

And you'll, um,

show me the next one?

[Groon] I already have.

[Grog] Uh, good talk.

You'll need strength
to defeat the dragons.

But also knowledge.

Knowledge? Of what?

The Vestiges of Divergence.

In the Great Calamity,

these weapons of w*r
were created to strike down

the gods themselves.

Believed too powerful
for mere mortals to wield,

the vestiges were scattered
across the lands.

Buried, lost, forgotten.

Or perhaps...

waiting to be found.

The Deathwalker's Ward is
one such vestige.

The Matron of Ravens'
own armor lies entombed

by a lake to the west.

And the other vestiges?

Will be revealed in turn.

Find this one

and bring it to my mate.

Nice.

Big fan of mating over here.

[grunts]

As the Knowing Mistress
heals in exile,

to protect her sacred wisdom,

we must remain apart.

It pains me.

Yet it is for a greater good.

He...

[sighs]

He will await you.

Use these vestiges
against the dragons.

You must not fail.

Righting the imbalance
these horrid creatures bring

depends on your success.

Thank you.

We won't let you down.

It's not me you need
to worry about letting down.

Only each other.

[Zahra] Who do you think
Osysa k*lled first?

Probably ate them, right?

- Ah, probably the little one.
- Mm.

- Perfect appetizer.
- [laughs]

[stammers] You're alive?

No big. Osysa asked us
to find something for her.

Our patron has a job

for you?

Guess I'm quite charming
after all.

I'd say it was nice catching up,

but... it wasn't.

[doors creak closed]

[groans]

[indistinct chatter]

Vasselheim wasn't
what we expected.

We came to get an army, but
maybe we got something better.

Inspiration.

Huh, that's a new one for us.

Step one, find the vestiges.

Step two, k*ll some dragons.

Step three...

Mm, profit?

How about step one,
we get a f*cking drink?

- Grog! What happened to you?
- [Scanlan groans]

Oh, an old man b*at me up.
[grunts]

- So, booze?
- Well... yeah!

- [Keyleth] Lead the way.
- [Vax] First round's on you, big man.

[indistinct chatter]

[bell jingles]

- [Victor] Ah, come in!
- [Percy] Wasn't sure I'd find a black powder

- dealer here in Vasselheim.
- [Victor laughs]

You'd be surprised.

In fact, business is booming!

- [Percy grunts]
- [laughing] Pun intended.

Relax.

It's only coffee.

I think. You know,

you're the second person
to buy black powder this week.

Really?

Do you recall what this
other customer looked like?

Ah, sure, I remember her well.

'Cause she had one hand.

Kind of like me. [chuckles]

I've learned from my mistakes!

Ripley.

Something wrong, Percy dear?

Oh. Nothing at all.

[Victor] And don't
blow yourself up!

Bye!

Huh? [whimpering]

[screams]

[expl*si*n]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Chirp.