01x08 - Summer Storm

[bunniefuu]

Done. What was my time?

It was very fast.

All right.

It's time to oil

the hinges on the front door, huh?

- Time me.

- And go!

Yeah, I'm not

I'm not even using the stopwatch.

He's moving around pretty good

after his little accident.

Oh, you mean

when you ran over him with your bike?



Gosh, are you ever gonna

let me live that down?



It was two days ago.

He still has a tire track on his hip.

Wow, it is rainin'

tits and livers out there.

This rain is never gonna let up.

I was supposed to donate

all our old junk today, but now I can't.

Oh, the church won't mind

if your stuff is wet.

I gave 'em a box of old bras

that were covered in caramel,

and they were thrilled.

Yeah, no. Now that it's raining,

Red won't leave the house,

and he never lets me get rid of anything.

If he paid four dollars

for a can opener in 1975,

he wants to be buried with it.

I had a uncle that was buried

in a Packers helmet,

but that was just because

we couldn't get it off.

- Did you hear the front door open?



- No.

Exactly.

Because we have

the quietest hinges on the block.

And the Kowalskis can suck it!

So what else is on the fritz?



Red, you should come help me.

The kids have been home all summer

trashin' my house.

I could keep you busy for hours.

Oh, that is a great idea.

Yeah. The other day,

a doorknob fell off in my hand,

and now that's just

a room we don't go in anymore.

Oh sh**t.

We had a fish in there.

Red, you love to flush a dead fish.

But he's gonna

have to fix the toilet first.

It makes a sound like this when you flush.

Take me there!

Thank you.

I'm sorry you have to see

this disgusting hickey I got from Jay.

I I'm so embarrassed.

Leia, there's literally nothing there.

No, no, no. Get up close.

It's It's so gross.

She wants a big song and dance,

but we are not giving it to her.

I'm still getting used to

you and Jay being an official thing.

It's like when I found out

that dogs got periods.

And I was like, "Huh?

"

The fact that you even think

you have a hickey

means that Jay's mouth was on your neck.

- So stuff's happening?



- Stuff's happening.

I got this big guy last night

while we were cuddled up on a beanbag

under a blanket.

Oh, I see.

- So did you touch it?



- Touch what?



You don't ask that if you touched it.

Oh, it?



- Why would you even say that?



- I don't know.

Blanket plus bean bag

usually equals touching it.

It's simple sex math.

I didn't know, um,

things mean other things.

Everything means something, Leia.

Don't start this with her.

Leia, there are no rules to any of this.

Don't let them get in your head.

Thank you, Gwen.

Just to be clear, I'm not gonna touch it.

- D'you think he thinks I'm gonna touch it?



- Touch what?



The sky! With our dreams.

This is why I hate rain.

Just close it.

Oh.

Good call, babe.

One, two, three, four!

Hangin' out down the street ♪

The same old thing we did last week ♪

Not a thing to do ♪

But talk to you ♪

We're all all right! ♪

We're all all right! ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Now you've got me thinking about

everything I've done with Jay.

Like, the other night, we shared

a pudding cup. What does that mean?



- Wait, one spoon or two?



- One.

You might be pregnant.

Ah. Who wants to try some fancy candy?



My dad sent me

a whole box of cool stuff from Japan.

He plays baseball over there.

Kind of a big deal.

He's the oldest player in the league.

He does adult diaper commercials

over there.

I don't get why that's not cool.

Don't mind me, kids.

I'm just gonna grab

some of Red's junk from the back.

I was never here.

That's where we keep the stash.

It's cool. Last time I hid it in this.

No one's gonna look in here

'cause they don't have a dog anymore.

Oh, oh. This has to go.

We don't have a dog anymore.

Granny has the stash!

- Why did you just give it to her?



- What was I supposed to do, Gwen?



Not give it to her!

Hang on, hang on.

I've always got your back, bro.

But not now. That was terrible.

Look, it's not a problem.

I'll just go get it.

Mrs. Forman, you have

a lot of identical boxes.

Oh, this isn't even the half of it.

You should see the garage.

We have a big problem.

Which requires a big solution.

Does anybody have one?



We need to split up and look for it.

Nikki and I will take upstairs.

No, if you two are alone,

you're just gonna find some dark corner

to hump all over each other.

Fine, Jay and I can go together.

If you guys are together,

you'll just talk about

your favorite sex scenes

in Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.

- Lionheart.

- Bloodsport.

Hard Target!

Nate and I will go upstairs.

Ozzie, you and Jay

go through the boxes in the garage.

- Yeah, Leia and I will look down here.

- But we know it's not down here.

Then I guess we're done.

Don't worry, Leia.

I'm the right man for this job.

What the hell was that?



What?

I kissed my boyfriend.

No. What were you doing with your arms?



They were sticking out behind you

like a ski jumper.

You got in my head, and now I don't know

what means what or where to touch him.

Whatever. We have way bigger things

to worry about now.

I don't think we do!

Do you know what we should do?



We should go to the cops and ask to borrow

one of those drug-sniffing dogs.

How are we even related?



We have the same mom.

Why do you always ask me that?



Aww!

You kids came up here to help me.

You are so sweet.

And you, I really need

your muscles right now.

Mrs. Forman, I

I have a girlfriend.

Oh please.

You wouldn't know what to do with this.

No. Red has a giant wooden moose

in the upstairs closet.

And I've been trying

to get rid of it for years,

but it's too heavy for me to lift.

Oh sure. Don't ask me

because you need a man to help.

Oh, calm down, Eleanor Roosevelt.

I just want the stupid thing

out of the house.

Okay.

Go get the moose,

and I'll keep helping down here.

On it.

Can you describe this wooden moose to me?



It's a moose.

But made of wood.

I'll do my best.

This sucks.

Yesterday I was totally comfortable

kissing Jay.

Now you look like a baby

that doesn't want to get picked up.

I know what I did!

Oh, I'm sorry. I feel bad.

I was trying to give you advice,

not break your brain.

I need advice.

Jay has a lot of experience.

The closest I've come to having sex

is when I got a front wedgie

on a Slip 'N Slide.

Yeah. You gotta go headfirst.

I did.

My friend's mom is a mechanical engineer.

She was baffled.

Look, don't overthink it.

Just do what comes naturally.

Except don't touch his hair.

If I go near Nate's hair,

it flips a switch in his pants.

There's a switch?



These boys are so complicated!

They're really not.

Just put your hands on his hips.

It's close enough to the good stuff

so he knows that you're interested,

but far enough away

so he knows you're not making a move.

Got it.

Lips are for hips

like zippers are for zips.

It's how I learned my state capitals.

Never do that again.

- Jackpot.

- You found it?



No, I found a whole box

of old Halloween costumes.

I think this is supposed to be a bee.

Oh, Mrs. Forman, bless your heart.

You tried.

Ozzie, stop messing around.

We're not playing dress-up.

Then take off that old jacket you found.

Come on. Makes me look

like Christian Slater.

We must be thinking of

different Christian Slaters.

Oh look!

Oh! Sweet. You found it.

You have had quite the adventure today,

little baggie. Let's get you home.

- What are you doing in my garage?



- Uh

We were waiting for you.

You're late.

Tell us about your day, Mr. Forman.

All right, this is when you leave.

And give me that jacket.

I paid full price for that thing

at Sears in 1964.

Get out of my garage.

You're basement people!

- Is this it?



- No, it's the other one.

Oh, my bad.

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

You can't do that with him.

- That is big.

- And heavy.

And stupid.

Wait That's the shirt my dad sent me.

You got stuff all over it and cut it up.

It's too small for you, anyway.

Just like our shower.

I hear you banging around in there

like a bear that fell in a dumpster.

I take an athletic shower.

And don't try to change the subject.

You can't just touch my stuff.

You mean like this?

And this?

And this?



- Quit it, Gwen!

- Okay, I understand why you're fighting.

He He does this to people.

Let's just get him out!

Get him out!

- You're gonna pay.

- You're being an idiot.

Your face is being an idiot.

- That doesn't even make sense.

- Yeah. It doesn't.

Red has the stash.

Cool, cool. Yeah. Um, hang on one second.

So what do we do now?



It's okay.

He doesn't even know he has it yet.

Right, Ozzie?



Has what?



I'm just a sweet innocent kid who got

caught up with some no-good riffraff.

You save-yourself son of a bitch.

I respect that.

- Now, go get it.

- We will.

I just wanted to come say goodbye to Leia

in case I never saw her again.

Aww.

Are we doing this?



Uh

Mm-hmm

Leia move your hands.

And we're back to that.

Hi, Sherri. Listen.

I'm gonna need more time.

I don't know how much more I can stall.

He's done everything.

I think my hinges are quieter than yours.

Well I doubt that.

Just Just make something up. Bye.

What?



I think I just saw a mouse.

It was big. It looked half-rat!

Well, it's about to be all dead.

Well, there's my big, strong boy.

Again I'm spoken for.

Oh.

What a shame.

- Look what I took from under your pillow.

- What are you doing with that?



She looks all tough,

but she can't fall asleep

without Frankie the Blankie.

He needs me too.

You touch my stuff,

Frankie gets butt-flossed.

- Frankie!

- Hey.

- Get off!

- No!

Fine. Then I'm going to the bathroom.

- Eww! I hate you!

- I hate you!

I hate you!

There it is.

Let's grab it and get out of here.

Wait! This feels too easy.

What if it's a trap?



You've seen too many car

It's a trap!

I knew it!

Freeze!

Damn it!

Ow!

This place is hell!

This is almost as bad as

the Slip 'N Slide incident.

My neighbor Connie had to coach me through

getting it out.

Wow. My neighbors don't even wave hello.

I hate how weird everything is.

I wish I could just fast-forward

to where you and Nate are.

Where, like, things are easy.

Believe me, it's not always easy.

Nate and I aren't really

on the same page about our futures.

Now, we're having

the dumbest fights about everything.

Like what to do if there's a tornado.

I say hide in a basement.

He wants to ride one.

I'm just saying,

things are never going to be perfect.

And as for what happened with Jay,

sure, it was bad.

But it's not gonna be

as bad as when we tell everyone.

Thanks.

- We got it.

- You did?



Might have cost me a toe.

I'm afraid to look, but my sock feels wet.

Hey, so, about earlier.

What?

I don't even know

what you're talking about.

Uh, that's all he talked about.

I just got in my head about us,

and I'm worried I made things weird.

Can we just forget about it

and go back to the way it was?



Like when you gave me this huge hickey?



- Where is it again?



- The point is

I just want things to be

fun and comfortable again.

Well I want what you want.

Good, because this is what I want.

Ew, your toe!

Ooh, I wanna see.

You kissed my ear.

Stop turning!

Stop breathing on me.

Okay, that's enough.

What's your problem?

Come on. Chop-chop.

Fine.

That wasn't just any shirt.

It's from my dad.

- But it didn't even fit you.

- It doesn't matter.

He went out and bought it

and and put it in the box.

His hands were on it.

You wouldn't understand.

You see your dad way more than I do.

Yeah, but I still miss him.

I only ever get to see him when he comes

through town on his way to another city.

Circus performer?



How is that your first guess?



He's a truck driver.

But, Nate, if I'd known how you felt,

I never would have touched it.

Or cut it up.

Or let cars run over it

to make it look vintage.

It's fine. It's dumb.

No, it's not dumb.

It sucks for both of us.

You idiot. You made me cry.

- I hate you.

- I hate you too.

I miss my dad too.

He took me to the dog track

on my tenth birthday.

And he gave me a sip of his beer,

and I barfed up my popcorn,

and it still looked like popcorn.

Red's coming! He's right behind me!

He's got that cane,

so maybe we've got some time.

Nate, moose, now.

Let me help you.

- Thanks, sis.

- I got you, big bro.

Why are my kids being nice?



Did they get into your wine?



No. We We had an emotional moment.

They both were missing their dads.

Oh.

Man, that's always a gut punch.

No. It wasn't the end of the world.

No, no. Nate's father sent him a T-shirt.

It was too small.

Gwen took it. It's okay now.

Frickin' Brian.

I try to do whatever I can

to make sure my kids never feel bad,

but sometimes things

slip through my cracks.

That's That's a lot of numbers.

Brian, it's me.

What the hell do I care

what time it is in Japan?



I'm in Wisconsin.

Yeah, I

You need to send your son

a shirt that actually fits.

He's as tall as your sister now.

And tell that broad in your bed

to close her mouth.

I can hear her snorin'!

She's on the phone with Japan.

Japan?



Sayonara.

Now, this is you spend a dainy ray.

Rainy dray.

Day.

Hey, be careful.

It's bad luck to open a brella inside.

Hold up.

Say that word again.

Brella.

Like, when it's raining, and Mom can

never remember what they're called,

and she's always like,

"Take your, um brella."

No way!

Brella.

Wait, is he hot?



Uh

Yeah.

Hey, it stopped raining.

She's right. Let's get outta here.

All I can say

Is that my life is pretty plain ♪

I like watching the puddles

Gather rain ♪

You know I'd like to keep

My cheeks dry today, hey ♪

So stay with me and I'll have it made ♪

And I don't understand

Why I sleep all day ♪

And I start to complain

That there's no rain ♪

Do you guys remember coming out here?

No.

But I'm glad we did.

It ended up being a pretty solid day.

I hope this never ends.

Kids, your school schedules came!

Summer is finally over.

All this is gonna end.