In the Stonem’s house. There is a lot of stuff on the floor, it’s messy. No on answers, the answer machine beeps.
JIM: (on the phone) So, Paris is a sh*thole. It’s filthy, it’s expensive, everyone’s French. I can’t believe, we nearly cam here for our honeymoon. If you could see this dump, you’d appreciate those two weeks in Rhyl a lot f*cking more! Sausages made of colon! I mean, is that your idea of romance? (Effy is in the stairs, sitting and already smoking a spliff) Anyway, bad news is: head office wants me out here for another week. f*cking frogs can’t fart without my assistance apparently. So, be good for your mum, kids. Keep a tight ship. Yep, all ship-shape, you know. (Effy gets up.) All right, well… Lots of love. This is dad, by the way.
EFFY: (Taking the phone) Hi, dad.
JIM: Oh. Hello, sweetheart! You being good for mum?
EFFY: (Looking at her mum, sleeping in the couch) Yep.
JIM: Helping her around the house?
EFFY: I’ve got to go, actually. Washing.
JIM: Woman’s work never done, eh?
EFFY: Yeah. Ha-ha. Bye dad.
JIM: Bye. Can I speak to…?
She hangs up and goes see her mum.
EFFY: Morning mum…
ANTHEA: (Waking up) Tony?
EFFY: Tony’s better, mum.
ANTHEA: Oh, yeah.
EFFY: You… erm… gonna get dressed today?
ANTHEA: Sure… Sure, sweetie.
Effy make a fake smile and leaves the room. Anthea takes Tony’s pills secretly.
Tony comes in the kitchen, where Effy is trying to dry clothes.
TONY: How long?
EFFY: Don’t rush me.
TONY: I’m done to my emergency pants.
EFFY: The milk’s off. I wouldn’t bother with breakfast. (Tony sits and looks at his phone.) Still nothing?
TONY: Nothing.
EFFY: How many times have you called her?
TONY: 39.
EFFY: Texts?
TONY: 141.
EFFY: Nothing?
TONY: Nothing.
EFFY: Wow! Michelle really hates you.
TONY: Yes.
EFFY: Well, you did totally f*ck up her relationship.
TONY: Right.
EFFY: You stormed in and f*cked it right back.
TONY: Yes, all right! I love her, ok?
EFFY: Love?
TONY: Just leave it, Eff.
Effy takes a hairdryer to dry her clothes.
EFFY: Love, love, love. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
TONY: Yes.
Effy leaves the house to go to school. Tony looks at her by his window. Then, he sits and looks pictures of Michelle in an album. He smiles and calls her one more time.
Michelle is in her bed, looking at her phone. She puts it in a drawer but it continues to ring. She puts her head under her pillow.
Effy is in her art class.
PROFESSOR, MRS DELUCA: And that, ladies, is why Monet was sh*t. As Lucian Freud once said to me, “Waterlilies? My arse!” I was modelling in the morning stroking him to thrilling climax in the afternoon. “Enid” he said, “you will never be an artist. But your breasts are tremendous.” And with great breasts come great responsibility. My task – 100% A grades through the medium of art. And we need coursework on the subject of emotion. Ursula, where is your emotion?
URSULA: Oh, hum, it’s almost done, Madame Deluca.
MRS DELUCA: Marjorie, Araminta. (Looking at their work) All disciples of the redeeming rush of achievement. And Effy…Ah yes, Effy… (Effy’s work is empty) Is there any hint of creative flowering? Any gushing forth of self-expression?
EFFY: No.
MRS DELUCA: Well, as I understand it, in return for about £13,000 of your parents’ money, we guarantee total success. So, I’d suggest you unblock your gush by Thursday. As Georges Braque once said to me, the…
PANDORA: (Arriving in the room) Is this Mrs Deluca’s classroom?
MRS DELUCA: No, child. This is Madame Deluca’s studio. And who, pray tell, are you?
PANDORA: I’m Pandora. I’m new. They…
MRS DELUCA: Sit or strip.
PANDORA: What?
MRS DELUCA: Either sit down or divest yourself of your clothing that we may feast upon your form with graphite and rubbers. (Pandora sits. The bells ring.) The bells, ladies. They speak of achievement. They speak of the ecstasy of what?
GIRLS: Self-expression.
MRS DELUCA: Self-expression! Yes. Yes. Oh, yes!
Girls leave the room.
GIRL 1: Isn’t she heavenly?
GIRL 2: She’s ripped. Daddy knew her in Morocco and she’s totally gaga for Arabs.
MRS DELUCA: One moment, Effy? Effy, one moment, please. I don’t think we can leave a new girl to bloom unaided, can we? Pandora, darling, don’t do that. (Pandora is crunching a pen and got ink on her tongue.)
PANDORA: Why?
MRS DELUCA: You see? An innocent. She needs a mentor, a guide, wouldn’t you say?
EFFY: Er, No. I have my coursework and…
MRS DELUCA: It’s perfect. You can help each other. Would you like that, Pandora?
PANDORA: Yeah, I’d love it. I’m useless. That’s why I’m here.
MRS DELUCA: How perceptive you are. And Effy, 100% success or it’s farewell to Westfield College for Young Ladies.
EFFY: You mean they’ll expel me?
MRS DELUCA: Well, yes. Otherwise it doesn’t work at all, does it?
EFFY: No.
MRS DELUCA: So, off you go, ladies. Enjoy! Dampen yourselves with the thrill of art!
Effy leaves.
Effy is walking in the park. Pandora behind her is running to rejoin her.
PANDORA: Wait! Effy, wait. Madame Deluca says we have to be friends.
EFFY: I don’t have friends.
PANDORA: Great. I don’t have any either. Isn’t that great? I can do something you can’t do.
EFFY: (Stops walking and looks at Panda) There’s nothing I can’t do.
PANDORA: You can’t do this. If it’s good enough, can I be your friends? I’ve got my own rope and everything. (Opening her bag)
After. Pandora climbs the tree next to them.
EFFY: Not bad.
PANDORA: Mum sent me to circus school for my dizzy spells, right? Big finish, I take off my bra without unbuttoning anything.
EFFY: (Looking at her) Ok.
JAKE: (Coming behind Effy) Ok, Effy.
EFFY: What do you want?
JAKE: I think you know what I want.
EFFY: Jake, I’m not going to screw you.
JAKE: Not even just as friends?
EFFY: In your dreams.
JAKE: Oh, come on, you promised. You promised me a tumble. Just as friends.
EFFY: So, I lied.
JAKE: Bummer.
PANDORA: (Attaching a noose to her neck) I’m ready.
JAKE: Who’s that, then?
EFFY: Pandora.
JAKE: (Giving her a cigarette) She’s a bit funny-looking.
EFFY: So are you.
JAKE: You didn’t say that when I gave you the neck job.
EFFY: Only because you said you’d help me sell spliff tonight.
PANDORA: One, two, and three…
JAKE: Yeah, but I wanna lay you, baby. I mean, just as friends, right?
Jake starts to smoke. Pandora jumps from the tree, attaching by the foot, the head near the floor.
EFFY: I’ve got a friend. w*nk*r!
PANDORA: Ta-daa!
She laughs. Effy smiles surprised.
JAKE: Impressive.
Sid is sitting near to the door outside of the Stonem’s house.
EFFY: (Coming with Pandora) All right, Sid?
SID: I was just, er… looking at your bins.
EFFY: You wanna see Tony?
SID: Well, er… might as well, now I’m here.
EFFY: Come on. (Sid, Effy and Pandora enter in the house. Tony is in the kitchen looking at a letter for him.) Busy day?
Effy sits.
SID: You all right, Tone? Wondered how you were doing.
TONY: Brilliant.
SID: I’ve been worried about you since…
TONY: …You stole my girlfriend?
SID: Well, she’s gone off me too, Tone. (Sits down and takes the bottle of milk) Don’t mind if I?
TONY: Not at all.
SID: (Drinking) Tangy!
EFFY: (About the letter) What’s that?
TONY: Came in the post. Michelle’s handwriting.
PANDORA: Can I open it? I love parcels.
EFFY: That’s Pandora.
SID AND TONY: Hi.
PANDORA: (Opening the letter) Mum sent our Christmas presents to the poor in Africa… and Barnsley. Except for Scrabble, because mum says they probably can’t read. (Taking the watch in the letter) Oh!
TONY: I gave it to Michelle for her birthday.
SID: Tony, it’s all my fault… Michelle was… It was just like… I was filling a gasp. I mean… Not that gap…
ANTHEA: (Arriving) So who wants to hear my best cock gag?
EFFY: No, mum.
SID: Hello, Anthea…
EFFY: Oh, Jesus.
ANTHEA: (Smoking) No, listen. Best cock gag…
EFFY: Mum, mum. You don’t need to.
Anthea imitates a girl sucking a guy. She imitates retching.
ANTHEA: Thank you very much! My name’s Anthea Stonem. I shall be here all week.
EFFY: (Gets up) Com on, mum. I think you need a lie-down.
ANTHEA: Did they like my gag?
EFFY: Yeah. Yeah, they loved it.
Anthea sits on her bed, still smoking.
EFFY: Ok, mum.
ANTHEA: Yeah.
EFFY: (Taking away her cigarette) Take it easy.
ANTHEA: Just have a nice little nap.
EFFY: Yeah. You do that.
ANTHEA: Then everything will be… Yeah.
EFFY: Ok.
Anthea fall asleep. Effy sits next to her and take Tony’s pills.
PANDORA: (Enters) Is she mental?
EFFY: No. Just tired.
Pandora looks at a picture of the Stonem.
PANDORA: Your brother’s really nice.
EFFY: He’s not nice. He’s amazing. He was hit by a bus, you know. Had to learn everything again. How to swim. How to write his name. How to be my brother.
Sid and Tony are sitting on the couch in the living room.
SID: We’re not getting on, are we?
TONY: No, Sid.
SID: I was lonely. And sometimes when bad things happen… You just need…
TONY: a shag.
SID: Yes. No!
TONY: She was my girlfriend.
SID: Tony. She wasn’t your girlfriend. You didn’t want her.
TONY: Well, now I do. So, f*ck you. (Sid is still drinking the milk) You remember when we were little and we had a fight?
SID: Like when you told Miss Stevens I shaved the hamster.
TONY: Yeah. Like that. And we wouldn’t talk to each other all day, and then you’d turn up on your pink bike with the stabilisers.
SID: It wasn’t pink, it was magenta.
TONY: You’d say sorry and we’d do our special high five thing, and that was it. Sorted.
SID: Yeah. Easy.
They get up and do their high five thing, and then sit down.
SID: That didn’t work, did it?
TONY: No. It didn’t.
He gets up.
SID: Where are you going?
TONY: Revision.
SID: We’ve got to fix this.
TONY: Then get her back for me.
He leaves. Sid continues to drink the milk.
EFFY: You’re an idiot. You are f*cking the wrong girl. It’s Cassie you love. You only got mixed up with Michelle because, let’s face it, men are dicks. And there was no-one else to screw, which is totally f*cking pathetic. Isn’t it?
SID: (He sees that Effy is sitting next to him) Has anyone ever told you, Effy, this whole sneaking up on people, getting inside their head, it’s not cool. Ok?
EFFY: I’m right, though.
SID: You’re always right! You and your f*cking brother! You’re always f*cking, f*cking… right.
EFFY: (Looking at Sid drinking) This milk’s two weeks old.
SID: It’s ok. I put some cacao powder in it. It’s a bit chewy, that’s all. sh*t! (He gets up) Why do I always screw up?
EFFY: You do seem pretty good at it, though.
SID: Cass won’t talk to me.
EFFY: What makes you think that?
SID: (Giving her a picture) Came in the post. (It’s a picture of Sid and Cassie, behind is written “f*ck off and die”.) My life is a total sh*t pile again. My best friend, I f*cked it up. My girlfriend, I f*cked it up. My other girlfriend, I f*cked it up.
EFFY: You’d give anything to have it all fixed.
SID: Yes.
Effy: But you’re incapable of anything involving effort, focus or subtlety.
SID: Yep.
EFFY: Women are a total mystery to you.
SID: You got it.
EFFY: Any good at art?
SID: Of course not. Huh?
EFFY: My art coursework. It’s on the subject of emotion and you seem quite… emotional. So you can do it for me.
SID: And?
EFFY: Oh, for Christ’s sake! I’ll sort out you’re f*cking soap opera.
SID: You will?
EFFY: Just this once.
Pandora is trying clothes in Effy’s bedroom.
PANDORA: Oh! Effy, you’ve got such a lovely lot of clothes. Pals always share, don’t they? (Her phone rings) Oh, hang on. Hi, mum. Guess what? I’ve got a friend! No, not like the last one. No, not on the internet. No, mum. She’s really a girl this time.
PANDORA’S MOM: Just come home, get a taxi. I’ll pay…
EFFY: (To Pandora) Come on.
Pandora hangs up.
Effy and Pandora are in the street, walking.
PANDORA: Where are we going, Eff?
EFFY: Eff?
PANDORA: Yeah. Where are we going, Eff?
EFFY: To pick up.
PANDORA: Pick up what? (Her phone is ringing again) Hi, mum! We’re just going to pick up. (To Effy) She wants to know what we’re picking up.
EFFY: dr*gs. (Walks away)
PANDORA: Salad. (She hangs up) Eff!
They arrive at Cassie’s home. Effy rings.
CASSIE: (Opening the door) Hey, Effy.
EFFY: Hey. (To Pandora) Come in.
Pandora and Effy sits on the couch.
CASSIE: (Looking at Pandora) Who’s this?
EFFY: Pandora.
PANDORA: Hi.
EFFY: She’s a virgin.
CASSIE: Cool!
GIRL: (Arriving from the bedroom) Hey, Cass. I borrowed your knickers.
CASSIE: Ok, see you.
GIRL: You’re an awesome shag, you know that?
CASSIE: Of course!
They kiss for a long time.
PANDORA: (Choked. To Effy) They’re man and woman kissing!
EFFY: (Smoking) Cass.
CASSIE: (Still kissing the girl) Mm?
EFFY: Sid says he’s very sorry. He loves you. He’s sorry he f*cked Michelle. He wants you back.
CASSIE: Tell him I’ve discover the power of the p*ssy.
GIRL: Oh, yes!
They kiss again.
After. Cassie, Effy and Pandora are looking at Cassie’s slugs.
CASSIE: That one’s called Sidley. And that’s Mischa. Isn’t Mischa just so pretty? Look at Sidley, sliming all over her. Disgusting, isn’t he?
PANDORA: (Disgusted) Are they doing it?
CASSIE: Yes, they’re doing it. When I’m ready, I’ll pour salt on them. When I’m good and ready. (Gets up) Com on, get your bush. There you go. (Opening a box) Three eighths of top-quality weed.
Effy takes one. Cassie closes the box.
PANDORA: Wow!
EFFY: All right if I pay you tomorrow?
PANDORA: It’s all right. I can pay. How much is it for weeds? (Taking her wallet)
CASSIE: Oh. Not much.
Effy takes Pandora’s wallet and gives the money to Cassie.
PANDORA: Grandpops d*ed and left me his credit card.
CASSIE: Right.
PANDORA: (To Effy) Are we gonna put weeds in a reefer now and get h*nky?
EFFY: Not yet.
Someone knocks at the door.
CASSIE: It’s open.
DANNY: (Coming) Hi, Cass.
CASSIE: Hi, Danny. Come here. (They kiss each other) Gotta get on, you know.
EFFY: So, Sid?
CASSIE: Hm?
EFFY: Any other thoughts?
CASSIE: Tell him I’m on a one-way ticket to d*ck City, and I love it.
She closes the door.
PANDORA: Bloomin’ heck! She’s a bit a… What do you call it? Whore.
Effy is thinking, and then smiles.
Tony is sitting in his mom’s bedroom. He’s calling Michelle, once more. He hears the ring, but no one answers. He let his phone fall down. His mum is still sleeping.
TONY: (Looking at Michelle’s watch. To Anthea) Sorry I messed everything up. Sorry for not looking when I crossed the road. Sorry you got depressed. Sorry Dad couldn’t handle being around the house. I love her, mum. I keep thinking… I keep thinking she’s just gonna turn up at the door. (Effy is next to the door) What’s the point? You can’t hear me.
EFFY: She’s our Sleeping Beauty.
TONY: (Surprised) Jesus!
EFFY: Waiting for a prince. You want some spliff?
TONY: It makes me weird.
EFFY: What, weirder than this?
TONY: f*ck it.
He gets up and walks away.
EFFY: Why bother?
TONY: With what?
EFFY: Caring about people.
TONY: You don’t fool me… Effy Stonem.
He leaves. Effy looks at him, then at her mother.
Tony and Pandora are sitting on the couch in the Stonem’s living room. Pandora is smoking a spliff. Her phone is ringing.
PANDORA: Hi, mum! No, I’m fine. I’m super-duper fine. Yep. I’m with my friends and they’re, like, so f*cking amazing! I guess I’m looking at Tony’s cock. But he can’t tell. See ya!
She hangs up. Pandora smiles to Tony. He gets up and puts his hands on his cock, embarrassed. The ring bells. Tony opens the door to Sid.
SID: Is Effy in?
TONY: (Closes the door) Upstairs.
SID: Ta.
TONY: You’re gonna nail my sister? Is that it? First my girlfriend, then my sister.
SID: No, I… No!
TONY: All right. Just asking.
SID: Nah, I’ll wait until she’s 16. Keep it legal, yeah?
Sid goes upstairs.
Sid shows to Effy his work for her art class in her bedroom.
EFFY: Loser isn’t an emotion.
SID: It is to me. You think it’s sh*t, don’t you?
EFFY: Yes.
SID: I used four biros! I bought them! Four! You owe me 79 pence. (Effy gets up and take off her tee-shirt) Whoa, Effy, what are you doing?
EFFY: I’m going out. You’ve got 24 hours, Sid, to produce something that doesn’t look like coursework for GCZE spaz. (She’s practically naked.) Dip your brush into that. And don’t even think to leave this room until you’ve done it.
SID: (Gets up) Listen, I don’t think this is working out, yeah? Shall we just leave it, ok? I quit.
EFFY: (Imitating sex with Sid, jumping on the bed) Oh! Ah! Ah! Sid! Oh my God! It’s huge! Sid! Yeah, yeah!
SID: All right. I’m doing it.
EFFY: (Leaving) Enjoy.
SID: Somebody come and get me.
Effy brings Pandora and Tony to a nightclub. They are walking in the street.
TONY: I don’t know why I have to come.
EFFY: Because if you get any more boring, we’ll have to put you down.
TONY: Nice.
PANDORA: I don’t think you’re boring, Tony.
TONY: What about mum?
PANDORA: She doesn’t like boys. She says they just want my pants to get into.
TONY: (Arriving to the nightclub) No. My mum.
EFFY: She’s fine. She’s asleep. Stop being a prick. All right? (To the doorman) Hi, Reg!
REG: All right, sweetheart?
EFFY: How’s the novel going?
REG: Ah. To be honest, Effy, I’m having a struggle with the denouement. My publisher’s getting very picky about the post-modernist chapter structure. (Looking at Pandora) Hang on, who’s this?
EFFY: This is Pandora.
REG: And how old are you, love? 12?
PANDORA: No, I’m… 32!
Reg: (Making an angry face) I think you’re taking the piss, little girl. And I don’t like it when little girls take the piss. Do you what I wanna do with little girls who take the piss? Do you? Eh? (Pandora starts to being scared) I give them a lollipop. (He laughs and gives her a lollipop) Go on in, girls. Have a good fun. (He lets Pandora and Effy enter but stops Tony) ID?
TONY: Huh?
REG: (Showing a paper behind him) Strictly over 21s.
TONY: Hang on. You just let them in.
REG: Who?
TONY: Come on. Give me a f*cking lollipop.
REG: Can’t do it, mate. (He makes a sign to Tony to go away. People arrive.) Yeah, in you go.
The music is very loud. Pandora and Effy are looking around.
PANDORA: Bloomin’ heck!
JAKE: (Putting his hands on Effy’s eyes) You want to make f*ck-f*ck with nice sexy boy?
EFFY: (Rejecting him) Piss off, Jake.
JAKE: You look hot, baby. It makes me want to take you! (She does something to hurt him) Holly sh*t!
EFFY: Listen to me, fuckpig. We’ve got spliff to sell, so send little Dicky back to Bollockistan and get on with it. Ok? (Giving him spliff) You do spliff. I’ll do pills.
Pandora is still eating her lollipop.
JAKE: What pills?
EFFY: Make over 100 quid and I’ll make sure you get laid. Deal?
JAKE: Just as friends.
EFFY: Just as friends.
Jake and Effy figure out that Pandora is dancing in the middle of everybody. They all look at her. Effy and Jake go away, to not be ashamed. Effy starts to sell pills to people.
Sid is still painting Effy’s work, and this time he’s painting “Hope” instead of “Loser”. He wants to smoke but his lighter doesn’t work.
Sid: (Opening drawers to find a lighter) Come on. Where’s the sodding ashtray?
He finds a bottle of alcohol, written on it “Don’t even think about it!” He starts to drink it, and continues to work quickly.
Pandora and Effy are in the toilets next to each other.
PANDORA: This is brilliant, Eff! Best friends always go to the wizza together, don’t they? I’ve seen it in the films. (Looking around her) Got any loo paper, Eff?
EFFY: (Looking around her. There are more than 5 loo papers) No.
PANDORA: (Effy gets out) Eff? Eff. I wanna get wonky off my face too. Can I have one?
EFFY: (Looking at herself in the mirror) Oh, for Christ’s sake. One. And you puke on your own, ok? (Pandora takes one pill) You owe me three quid.
Tony is reading Reg’s novel next to the enter of the nightclub.
REG: What do you think?
TONY: Oh, yes. Excellent, but…
REG: (To People) In you go, girls. Have a good fun… (To Tony) But?
TONY: The characters arcs are immaculately achieved with a good degree of stylistic control. Especially liked the doorman with super powers. Vaporising Reeboks, very nice.
REG: Yeah!
TONY: But you need to move the climactic development back, so the orgy scene comes before the disembowelling of the Elvic Horde. (Giving him his novel) See?
REG: That’s it! That’s it, you solved it! (Giving him a lollipop) Have a good one, mate.
Tony enters and sees his sister selling Michelle’s watch.
TONY: What the f*ck are you doing? You just sold Michelle’s watch.
EFFY: Let it go, Tony. Michelle did.
TONY: What? What?!
PANDORA: (Coming and kissing him on the cheek) Tony! Tony, the music’s beautiful! You’re beautiful.
TONY: (Rejecting her) Get off.
PANDORA: I love you!
TONY: Pandora, no!
Pandora licks his ear.
PANDORA: I want to lick your bottom.
TONY: No!
PANDORA: I want to lick your… balls.
She fell down. Tony carries her and follows Effy.
TONY: For f*ck’s sake!
Effy is leaving, Tony is still carrying Pandora.
EFFY: (To Tony) Time to go home.
They walk. Pandora is still unconscious on Tony’s shoulder.
TONY: I f*cking hate you.
Sid is sleeping, next to him a work done “Hopeless”. Pandora is sleeping on Effy’s shoulder. Jake is sleeping in front of them.
JAKE: (Waking up. To Effy) Well, hello. (Showing money) 130 English pounds. I claim my prize. American Pie.
EFFY: Lucky you. (Gets up. Almost kissing him) Just… one thing.
JAKE: Man, you said we were gonna get jiggy!
EFFY: I said you’d get laid, Jake. And you will. You will. Don’t worry. You’re gonna love this.
Jake is ringing at Cassie’s door.
JAKE: Hi.
CASSIE: Hi…
JAKE: So you don’t know me, but a very good friend of mine said you might be… into what I’m into?
CASSIE: Oh, and what’s that?
After. Jake is playing with Cassie’s slugs.
JAKE: Then she told me that all that time she’d been screwing my friend. I was just… I couldn’t believe she’d to that to me, you know? If it wasn’t for my slugs, I don’t know what I might have…
CASSIE: Poor you. I can’t believe it. It happened to me too.
JAKE: Yeah? And what did you do about it?
CASSIE: f*ck relationships. I’m into mindless sex now.
JAKE: Oh, mindless. Yeah. You know, I just wanna blot everything out, you know. I’d really like to blot it out now. Right here… by this window?
CASSIE: How old did you say you were?
JAKE: Oh, older than I look. It’s the grief. It takes years off you.
CASSIE: Yeah?
JAKE: Oh, yeah.
They kiss. Effy, outside, is taking photos of them.
Sid is waking up in Effy’s bedroom and finds a lot of photos of Cassie and Jake on him.
Sid: (Taking them off) NOOOO!
Effy enters in Tony’s bedroom and closes the door. Tony is sitting on the floor looking at his phone broken.
TONY: Phone’s buggered.
EFFY: Yeah? Can’t call her then?
TONY: What’s the use? The thing I don’t understand is why her voicemail is off. If I could leave a message… But it just rings and rings.
EFFY: You really don’t understand anything, do you, Tone?
TONY: What?
EFFY: As long as it’s ringing, she knows you’re there.
She gets up.
TONY: I can’t believe you sold Michelle’s watch.
EFFY: Who says I sold it?
TONY: What’d you mean?
EFFY: (Giving him her phone) Put your SIM in that. I’m going out.
Michelle is sitting on her bed. Her phone is on her knee. Someone rings at the door.
Michelle’s mum: Michelle! There’s a man with a parcel for you!
After. Michelle is looking at the parcel, then open it and finds her watch repaired, there is written “Forever” behind. She cries.
Sid is running in the street. He arrives at Chris and Cassie’s home.
SID: (Ringing) Cass! Cass! Listen, open the door, Cass.
CHRIS: (Opening) Sid, you all right, mate? She doesn’t wanna see you.
SID: I don’t f*cking care, OK? Cass!
CHRIS: Come on, leave it, man. You ain’t…
Sid enters.
SID: (To Cassie) What the f*ck are you doing?
CHRIS: Jesus, Sid. Just go, man.
CASSIE: (Sitting on the couch) It’s all right, Chris. I’m fine.
CHRIS: All right, watch it. Yeah, or I’ll… (To Cassie) What will I do?
CASSIE: Bite his head off and spit in the hole?
CHRIS: Yeah. I probably wouldn’t do that, but… Yeah…
He leaves. Sid and Cassie are looking at each other.
CASSIE: What do you want Sid?
SID: I want you to stop what you’re doing, ok? You know, f*cking around. f*cking anything that moves. Just stop it.
CASSIE: You started it.
SID: I don’t care. I don’t care. You’re cruel. I hate you.
CASSIE: I hate you right back. Why don’t you pop over to Michelle’s and give her one? Oh, another one.
SID: Give it a f*cking rest, Ok? You know, it’s you and me. You know that and you’re being stupid.
CASSIE: My turn.
SID: You went away. Why did you go away? I needed you and you pissed off. My dad said… He said you’re special, but you’re not. You’re just slutting around like a spoilt kid.
CASSIE: Sid, Michelle!
SID: I don’t love Michelle! I never loved Michelle. I love you, but you… You… (Sitting in front of Cassie) Oh, God. Where were you? Dad f*cking d*ed! I needed you… And Michelle… So, we had great sex for three days and then guilty sex for the rest… So what? I don’t care. I did it. I hate you. Fine. f*ck 15-year-olds. (Gets up) Whatever. I’m sick of saying sorry. I love you. You say sorry.
CASSIE: I didn’t f*ck him, Sid. (She gets up) His mum had sewn his name into his trousers. And well, he got a bit excited. And he squashed my slug. My slug called Sidley. So I threw him out.
They look at each other, and then kiss. They lay down on the couch, still kissing.
CHRIS: (Coming) Look, if he’s still bothering you, Cass, then… (He looks at them) Oh, Ok… Got ya. Smokin’!
Tony is looking at his phone in his bedroom, and decides to call Michelle. He’s waiting, it’s ringing.
MICHELLE: (Answering) I love you, too.
She hangs up. He hardly breathes.
TONY: (Yelling) Woo-hoo!
Effy and Mrs Deluca are in the classroom, just both?
MRS DELUCA: Deadline is upon us. I have coursework from everyone of a very high standard. Pandora’s contribution is thrilling abstract. It simply reeks of emotion. The girl has great talent. (Showing the work “Hopeless”) Surprising. Even Ursula has come through with a little coaching. All As, without a doubt. Another triumph for the art department. All we need now is yours and we will have our 100% record for another year.
EFFY: (Sitting) It’s finished.
MRS DELUCA: Oh. Splendid. And which emotion have you depicted?
EFFY: Anger, jealousy, bitterness, tiredness, hope, lust… love.
MRS DELUCA: A veritable feast. So where is it?
EFFY: (Looking around) It’s everywhere.
MRS DELUCA: My dear girl, I’m not sure I understand.
EFFY: It’s conceptual. You just can’t see it.
MRS DELUCA: You’re saying you haven’t done it.
EFFY: No. I’m saying you can’t see it.
MRS DELUCA: Well, I’m not quite sure that’s going to work for the Anglo-Welsh GCSE Board now, is it?
EFFY: No. They’ll just have to expel me. (Gets up) Goodbye, Madame Deluca.
MRS DELUCA: Goodbye, Effy. (Gets up too) Effy… (Effy turns around) I was going to tell you about Georges Braque. He was a very great artist and also truly remarkable at oral sex. Anyway, he gave me some advice I’ve always remembered.
EFFY: What was it?
MRS DELUCA: If they don’t like it, f*ck them. (Effy leaves.) Ah, Georges, Georges… Georges…
Jim, Tony and Effy’s father is coming home.
JIM: Hello! (He enters into the kitchen, the table’s ready, there are flowers.) I’m back!
TONY: (Going downstairs) Hi, Dad.
JIM: Hi. They let me come back early.
TONY: That’s great.
JIM: Yes, isn’t it? Where’s Mum?
TONY: She’s asleep.
JIM: Oh. Well, she won’t mind if I go up, then. Tired after the flight, you know.
TONY: Fine.
JIM: So… You’re felling OK, son?
TONY: I’m feeling great, Dad.
JIM: Good. That’s really good. What you been up to?
TONY: Revision. It’s… good to have you back, Dad.
JIM: (Going upstairs) It’s good to be back.
Jim enters in his bedroom. Anthea is still asleep. He kisses her on the forehead and sits next to her.
ANTHEA: (Waking up) Jim.
JIM: Came home early. Missed you.
ANTHEA: I’ve been asleep. Is everything all right?
JIM: Think so.
They kiss.
2x07 - Effy
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The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who more want to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.
The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who more want to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.