01x03 - Just Tuesday

[bunniefuu]

Happy Treat Tuesday.

This is my world-famous creation...

half brownie, half blondie
so they come out beige.

But Beige-ies sounds horrible,
so I call them Khakis.

- Jump in.
- Jump into your khakis?

This is a hall of justice,
not a Connecticut key party.

You did a lot of baking.

Well, I had to do gluten free for Laura

and gluten-heavy for Timo,

and Sandy's allergic to nuts
but wouldn't say which ones,

so I had to do six
different kinds for him.

It's like Russian Roulette, but yummy.

- Ugh.
- What, are they bad?

No. They're delicious,

which is somehow more annoying.

Guess who's back? Vincent Graziano.

Back after days.
The over-under was ..

Yes! Ha! Ah!

The under takes it. Ah! [MUMBLES]

It's easy money.

Graziano's been arrested for
possession of stolen items

four times in three weeks.

Yeah, who could have
guessed that a repeat offender

would not show up to
paint the wall of a rec center?

Oh, that's right... everyone.

I just think, if you
show a little compassion,

you can put people on a better path.

Yeah, it all sounds exhausting.

It's all that caring.

Don't worry about me, Dan.

I've always got my
emotional-support grouch.

And your vest came in. I
can take you on planes now.

So, is tonight the night

finally you throw the book at Graziano?

Mm. There's something
going on with that guy.

He only started committing
crimes a few weeks ago.

I've got one more little
move I'm gonna try on him.

- Ha!
- Ohh.

Feed me! Feeeeeed me.

Okay, I like that you guys are bonding,

but I wish it wasn't over
mocking my judicial philosophy.

Ooh, you know what?

- That's the perfect size for my winnings.
- [LAUGHTER]

- ADA Moore.
- Oh.

I got you a little something

to help with the evening rush hour.

Oh, thank you, Officer.

- Don't mind if I doo-oo-woo-oo.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Oh.

Come on, Gurgs, don't judge me.

Pretty much the only
upside to working here

is that the cops give
me perks to thank me

for constantly winning all their cases.

No judgement here.

The coroner gave me these earrings.

- Jane Doe.
- Ooh.

What's next, Neil?

It's everybody's favorite recidivist,

our returning champion,
Vincent Graziano.

- Someone got a haircut.
- Latest charge...

not showing up for community service.

Uh, Your Honor, my client does
not dispute the parole violation

and will accept any punishment

- that the Court deems... appropriate.
- [LAUGHTER]

I don't accept this plea, Mr. Graziano.

I think we're about to get to the bottom

of what's really going on with you.

Last time you were here,
you mentioned that you spent

some of your childhood in a youth home.

Did I? You were asking
a lot of questions.

I said a lot of things.

So I had my clerk track
down someone from your past.

I got to do some digging.

I was her "The Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo."

- Were you that?
- Or were you her "Blue's Clues?"

Since I haven't been
able to get through to you,

I think I found someone who can.

Permission to approach
the bench, Your Honor?

Surprise guest? Who are you, DJ Khaled?

Yeah, okay, fine, I have
Spotify, and sometimes

it shuffles to things
that I don't understand.

I just think this guy
needs a little intervention.

Look, I appreciate you
wanting to help, all right,

but this is a court,
not a therapist's office,

no matter how many mental
patients march through here.

Well, get ready to arrest my
heart for indecent exposure,

'cause I'm about to be
flashin' some compassion.

- Ugh.
- Don't type that, please.

Father Manny, could you
please approach the bench?

Uh, Your Honor, I really
don't think this is a good idea.

Lorenzo, what are you doing here?

Lorenzo? No, this is Vincent. Graziano?

Um, Your Honor,

oooobjection!

Adjourned!

This is Lorenzo Mullen.

He brings troubled youth to my program.

He's a very private person.

Father, do not finish.

- Oh, I get it now.
- Neil!

- Yeah, okay, sorry.
- I almost let that slip.

[THROUGH MICROPHONE] He's
an undercover cop.

[LAUGHTER]

So, who here can keep a secret?

- Great! And who here is lying?
- [LAUGHTER]

Outing an undercover cop
could have happened to anybody.

I mean, how long has that
microphone even been there?

Since my first week... in .

Apparently, he was trying
to get thrown in jail

so he could earn the
trust of Giovanni Totino,

infiltrate the family, and
entertain thousands of dads

by inspiring the next Scorsese movie.

Ooh, what I wouldn't give
to live that undercover life.

Shoebox full of passports,

meeting up with your
boss in a parking garage,

sh**ting your partner
to prove you're legit,

not knowing where Gurgs ends
and Sasha Santiago begins.

Oh, hey, guys. Hey.

D... Did you see that?
They just iced me.

Hey, I'm the one who does
the icing around here!

Right, since we do not
know what we're walking into,

you guys go first.

Hey, Your Honor, just wanted
to see how you were doing

and if anyone else needs to be
worried about how they're doing.

I'm okay.

I mean, how was I supposed to know
he wanted to go to jail?

I mean, how could anyone know that a guy

who committed multiple
crimes, pled guilty,

and then tried to get
a "Lock Him Up" chant

going in the courtroom
secretly wanted to go to jail?

Upstate we only had one undercover cop.

And I think the only reason
Earl went undercover was

so that he could win the high
school state championship at .

Also, he'd never been kissed.

Good for Earl.

Lorenzo wasn't even in super deep yet.

He was just months
into the operation.

months. months? months!

Now that I say it out loud,
it sounds so much longer

than when you read it in the file.

You could grow a baby in months.

This is bad. No. No.

We're doing good here.

I mean, I can't get everything right.

I'm just one judge trying
to make a difference.

But what if I'm making
the difference wrong?

If I had just sent him
to jail rather than trying

to figure him out,
everything would be fine.

But I didn't, so it's not. It's bad.

This is very bad.

I feel like I made the city
a more dangerous place today.

Or did I make it a more
dangerous place in the future?

Neither one sounds good.

- Relax, Your Honor.
- As long as you didn't affect

anything in the past, we're good.

Oh! Where's Neil?

- Sorry, tying my shoe.
- Oh, thank God.

I thought you got Butterfly Effected.

I think I'm gonna just
go think about this a bit.

Let's call it a night.
We can panic tomorrow.

[CHUCKLES] I mean, pick it up tomorrow.

So, what do you guys want to do now?

- Ha! Kidding.
- [LAUGHTER]

- Well, I was right.
- The cops are mad at me.

They're taking all my perks away.

Just now, when I was
walking through the building,

I had to go through... security.

We all do.

Not me. I get waved through.

Today I just had to
stand there and wait.

There were people in
front of me, behind me.

They were all just standing there.

It was madness.

That's a line. They're everywhere.

- Oh, good. Abby's here.
- I could do with a treat.

Wait, why are her arms empty?

Am I hallucinating from dehydration

after standing so long in
that... that... that thing?

Hey, everyone, I'm glad you're all here.

There's something I wanted
to talk to you about.

Is it about where
you're hiding the treats?

Because I don't see any.

Actually, Neil, it's
about a decision I've made.

I'm always advocating digging
into defendants' lives,

and, well, last night I did
some soul searching on myself.

It's time a face some hard truths.

I don't have a head for hats,

and I need to change the
way I approach this job.

I mean, I didn't realize
that the way I do things

might actually hurt people.

So, from now on, I am just
going to be a normal judge.

Normal judge?

Like one who calls balls and strikes,

one who doesn't ask deep
and probing questions?

One who will cancel this Friday's

"Bring Your Dog to Court Night"?

- It's already off the calendar.
- [GASPS]

From here on out, I
am all about boundaries,

boundaries in the court
room and all other rooms.

Got it? Now, Officer
Gruganous, start in .

- My full name?
- I feel like I'm in trouble.

Like when my mama calls
me Officer Gruganous.

This is good.

Things will run a lot
smoother around here.

We shouldn't be upset. We
should be throwing a party.

- With what treats, Dan?
- With what treats?

[LAUGHTER]

Oh. Officers, hi.

Um, I just came from outside
where my car was getting towed.

I... I... I chased the
truck three blocks,

then I had to walk blocks back

because the driver didn't
stop when I jumped on the hood.

Were you parked in a red zone?

Because no one can park
in a red zone, ma'am.

N... N... No, but it's... but I...

I'm tired of living
like a regular person.

I gotta figure out what
I can do to fix this.

Well, I could talk to them,
get to the bottom of it.

Oh, yes, yes, that would
be amazing, thank you.

Don't thank me. Thank Sasha Santiago.

Is this about you wanting to help,

or do you just want to go undercover?

- Well, couldn't it be both?
- Okay, fine.

Let's call the first case.

We're just gonna start?

But I didn't get to do me "All rise."

That's in the Constitution.

- Okay, The People versus Nate Crabbe.
- [LAUGHTER]

Mr. Crabbe is charged
with a D-and-D D-and-D.

Drink and disorderly while
playing "Dungeons and Dragons."

Your Honor, my client is a Class
Barbarian Ogre

who got a little too into
character swinging his w*r-horn.

That is not a euphemism.

It would be a little less
embarrassing if it was.

It says here your client was
drunk and brandishing a w*apon.

So seems pretty straightforward.

Yes, uh, yes, there are
just maybe a few details

that you should consider.

They were celebrating the wedding

of Condor the Paladin
and Mordecai the Warg.

And you know how people get at weddings.

The court is only interested
in facts from this realm,

so can we wrap it up, Counselor?

But I learned Nerd for this.

Your Honor, I truly appreciate

your new business approach to the job,

but, uh, maybe you're
overcorrected a bit.

Permission to approach.

- Denied.
- Denied?

That's never... happened before.

Permission to... lean?

I'm pretty tall.

- I think I can...
- [LAUGHTER]

Okay, if there's nothing further,

the Court is ready to rule.

In light of the defendant's
reckless behavior,

I have no choice but to...

You're making a mistake.

What did you say?

I think you're allowing your issues

to cloud your judgement in this
particular case, Your Honor.

- I find the defendant...
- Don't.

- I find the defendant...
- Nope.

That's one count of
contempt for Mr. Fielding.

- Objection!
- On what grounds?

I cite the precedent
of Anderson versus...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Make that two counts.

Officer, take him and book him.

Okay, now, look,

all the gangs are gonna want you.

Now, take your time deciding.

- Enjoy being courted.
- Oh...

Hey, hey, hey, it's Treat Tuesday!

So I went to a bakery.

We gotta keep the
tradition alive, right?

Just a few random Tuesdays,
Neil, not really a tradition.

It's not like the fireworks
on the Fourth of July

or eating a groundhog
on the third of February.

Um... Uh, quick heads up...

the only place open at :
a.m. was an adult bakery.

Neil!

The icing guy wouldn't put bras
on the A-cup cupcakes.

I asked, but he said "I
don't come to where you work

and tell you what to
do with your nipples."

Look, I just want to help,
and with Dan locked up,

I'm trying to be... the Dan.

If you want to be more like him,

you could try pointing
out my flaws in court.

I'm focusing on my own
defects of character.

Now he has time to focus on his.

So, I know I didn't fix anything,

but did I make it worse?

Fair enough.

If anyone asks, I'm gonna
say that this went well.

[LAUGHTER]

Check, check. Gurgs, you getting this?

Audio, check.

Now I just gotta remember the
two rules of going undercover.

Rule number one... earn their trust.

Hey, fellas, got room for one more?

- Gurgs!
- Gurgs! Hey, come on over.

Trust... check.

Rule number two... don't fall in love.

Wait, what? Why is that a rule?

I got a seat for you, Gurgs.

He's why that's a rule.

Don't fall in love.

Gurgs, remember your training.

[LAUGHTER]

So, uh, you guys mad at any lawyers?

- [LAUGHS] Only all of them.
- [LAUGHTER]

Hot and funny? He's a damn unicorn.

- I'm in too deep.
- [LAUGHTER]

Hey, what's this on your badge?

Oh, it's marinara.

- Oh, can I get a taste?
- Okay!

That's it. You're out.
You've been compromised.

Abort. Abort.

What... What's that?

You're breaking up. You
must be out of range.

I'm feet away.

You can hear me!

Ah choo!

- Bless you.
- Hm! Bless me, indeed.

[LAUGHTER]

[SNIFFS] Somebody in
here wearing cheap cologne?

- Nope, just drinking it.
- [LAUGHTER]

Ah!

Oh, Dan, good, you're still here.

Yes, you know, they
have this intricate system

of locks and bars to make
sure none of us leave.

I'm really worried about Abby.

Can you just pay the
fine and talk to her?

No. I will not go up there
and pry her back to her senses.

This is more than just a funk.

She's using Gurgs' full
name, she hasn't thanked

any of the drug-sniffing
dogs for their service,

she's talking about your
"defects of character"...

Defects of char...

All right, I'll do it.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Now, just get me out of here.
- Okay.

- I'll take the big guard...
- No, no, no, no.

Do the paperwork. I'll pay the fine.

- Oh, thank God.
- I couldn't take the big guard.

- Not with that attitude, you can't.
- [LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

How'd you get out?

I'd rather not relive it.

You paid the bucks, didn't you?

It was horrible.

So, listen, I know that
sharing, um, personal stories

is sort of out of vogue
around this joint right now,

but, um...

[SIGHS] My late wife,
Sarah, was in recovery

for a few years even before we met,

and she was always adamant about

being of service to others.

I... I often thought
that she went too far.

I was selfish. I wanted
her to be with me.

But I soon realized that
it was as much, if not more,

for her than it was
for those other folks.

And when she couldn't help
someone find their way,

it weighed on her.

Maybe like this
has been weighing on you.

- What was she in recovery for?
- Booze.

Me, too. How did yo...

"Defects of character."

Plus, now I remember you
once called a surprise party

- a "birthday intervention."
- [LAUGHTER]

I lost a lot of time with my dad

when I was at my worst.

Ashamed to be around him.

But he always had faith in me.

He said he was keeping that faith safe

until I had it in myself again.

I'm glad I got into
recovery in time for him

to see me get better, but...

I never felt like I could
make up for that lost time.

It's one of the reasons
I took the job here,

to feel connected to him.

So when it's not going
well or I mess up,

it's like I'm failing
him all over again.

The Harry I knew... pfft.

You failing him?

That thought would have never even

remotely entered his mind.

And just... also,
there's folks around here

who have a lot of faith in you.

- Thanks, Dan.
- And you know what?

Think about it... you were right.

Graziano wasn't a criminal.

So if I was right,
that means that you...

Don't... Don't finish that.

Now, i... if you don't mind,

my time in the clink has
made me rather hungry.

[LAUGHTER]

- Too hungry to ask.
- [LAUGHTER]

Gurgs, I'm pulling you off the case.

But I'm so close to
cracking this thing wide open.

I just need to get Grayson alone.

I'm thinking long weekend,
Poconos, heart-shaped tub.

And I will get everything out of him.

This is stupid, all right?

I'm just gonna go over
there and say something.

Oh, but you'll blow my cover.

- You're playing yourself.
- [LAUGHTER]

Okay, enough.

I have been prosecuting your
collars for years.

Then one mistake and you blackball me?

You... You get my car towed?

You withhold evidence-room goodie bags?

This has gone too far.

I deserve free stuff!

We don't know what you're
talking about, ma'am.

- Oh, yeah?
- This bad boy ringing any bells?

By the way, have you met

Detective Richards
from Internal Affairs?

Since the outing of our colleague,

I.A. has been in tow.

I see.

And that is why security
has been tighter.

- It's always tight.
- Always tight.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Well, I... I just wanted to show you

- my... party light.
- [LAUGHTER]

Ooh-wa-ooh-wa! Ooh-wa-ooh-wa!

Ooh-wa-ooh-wa! Thank you, Gurgs.

You're welcome.

Now, I know he's gorgeous,

- but you touch him, I'll k*ll you.
- [LAUGHTER]

It's hard to be in a bad mood
around X-rated desserts.

Thank God it's no one's birthday.

I wouldn't know where to put the candle.

I guess for every top
chef, there's a bottom chef.

I don't know why
everyone's being so polite

to this filthy box.
Can't we just jump in?

Get in there, Gurgs.

Aw, my nickname is back.

Thank you all for
hanging with me this week.

It's nice to know you're there
to support me when I need it.

To Abby.

To Abby.