5x02 - Rich

[bunniefuu]

A party.

ALO: Rich... Rich, mate. Rich!

RICH:Sorry.

ALO: I want you to meet someone...This is Rich.

ARABELLA: Hi. I'm Arabella and this is Sally. So, what were you listening to?

RICH: You wouldn't like it.

ALO: No, no, no. No, Rich, please...

ARABELLA: Actually, we made a playlist, so...

ALO: I'm not with him.

RICH: Now, this... is music. Angel Of Death.

PEOPLE: Turn it off! Turn it f*cking off! Turn it off!

RICH: Wait - this is a good bit coming up... Slaye-e-e-e-er!

BOY: Oof!

ALO: You d*ck! I'm never going to get laid if you keep being such a douche to all the dames we meet.

RICH: That's because all the girls we meet are always arseholes.

ALO: I don't care if they're one-legged, dead hermaphrodites, I need some sex - soon. It'll never happen if you actlike an axe wound all the time.

RICH: I'm not wasting my time on peroxide-sodden Miley Cyrus Cowellistas.

ALO: You're so full of sh*t. So, if a tasty metalhead piece of clunge wandered into your life, you'd ask her out - straight away

RICH: Yeah. And...she'd say yes.

ALO: Right... Well, then, I'm going to find you one. I'm going to partner you up! I'll be like Cilla Black... with a d*ck. This'll be easy. College Green is swarming with the f*ckers.

RICH: She can't be fat, though.

ALO: Bollocks.

Rich House.

RICH: Hello?

ALO: 'Rich - college, now!'

KEVIN: Morning. Off to college, are we?

RICH: Yes, Kevin, that's where I go every day.

KEVIN: I really wish you wouldn't call me Kevin, I'm your dad.

RICH: Yeah, well, I'm going now.

KEVIN: Have a good day, then. I love you!

RICH: Yeah, whatever.

Library.

RICH: Right, what's going on? What? Why are we holding hands...?

ALO: Get...

RICH: Right, what?

ALO: I give you... So...go and talk to her.

RICH: No, but...

ALO: Look at her, mate! Remember what you said.

RICH: Fine... Hi... I, um...er... Um... Oh... Your T-shirt, that's... Ha-ha! Um... I...I was just.. looking for a book. Yeah, here it is. Ha-ha! Ah.I've... been looking for this for ages. Er...anyway um...bye. So... Shut the f*ck up, Alo.

ALO: You need help, Richard.

RICH: No, I don't. OK, you gave me barely any time to prepare, Alo. I haven't even had breakfast yet.

ALO: Bollocks. You're terrible. You need someone to teach you the ways of the woman. The method of the muff. The Tao of... tit-fuckery.

RICH: And that's you, is it, Alo? Yeah? The guy who masturbates so much that his hand is now a shrivelled wank claw.

ALO: I've got most of the movement back now, haven't I? Maybe you're right, though. I mean, we need someone who properly knows girls, but isn't going to think we're weird. Like a girl. But not like... well, not like a girl.

School.

FRANKY: Look, Rich, I can see your problem, but you've come to the wrong place. I can't help you. I mean, I don't know anything about girls either. I don't have a mum or a sister. My experience of girls is mostly being beaten up by them.

ALO: Oh, we're f*cked, then.No.

FRANKY: Wait. I know someone who can help.

ALO: Ah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Dancing room.

ALO: You can see her vag through that leotard.

GRACE: Oh! What are you guys doing here?

FRANKY: Rich here needs help.

GRACE: Hi, Rich. What can I do for you?

FRANKY: He needs help talking to girls. Ooh! Is someone in love?

RICH: There's this girl who works in the library. And...

MINI: Gracie! Oh. What are you doing in here?

FRANKY: Talking to Grace. Why? Is that like a problem, or something?

MINI: Oh, no. I can't tell you where you can and can't be or stop you from talking to Gracie, can I?

FRANKY: No, you can't.

MINI: I mean, we were just wondering if Gracie's still coming for that mocha. Weren't we, Liv?

LIV: Yeah, come on, Gracie.

MINI: Hey, I can see your... your vag through that leotard. I can honestly say I have absolutely no, repeat, no problem with it at all. I mean, if she wants to stay and chat with inbreds and lesbos and nerds.

RICH: Hey, no, hang on a f*cking minute.

MINI: f*ck off back to Valhalla, weirdo.

RICH: Valhalla? Oh, let me guess. That's a reference to my taste in music, right?

MINI: Are you coming, Gracie?Yeah.

GRACE: I'll, er...see you guys.

College Green.

RICH: Er...hi.

GRACE: How can I help you?

RICH: Grace?

GRACE: Yep, it's me.

RICH: Oh, f*cking hell. What's with the disguise?

GRACE: Oh, I think it's best if I stay undercover. Mini will be happier if she doesn't know about it. The last thing I wanted to do is upset anyone.

RICH: Mm, how valiant of you I know, right?

GRACE: So, I've decided to help you.

RICH: I don't think that's a good idea.

GRACE: Why not?

RICH: No offence, but you kind of represent everything I despise in the world.

GRACE: Oh, don't be silly, Richard. My mum always says opposites attract.

RICH: That's magnets. We're people.

GRACE: Come on.

RICH: What?

GRACE: Take me to her.

RICH: Who?

GRACE: The girl you like. Come on. Come on, then.

Library.

GRACE: Wow, she's pretty. Why is she wearing a dog collar?

RICH: Cos she's a metalhead.

GRACE: What's a metalhead? What?

RICH: This is. Me. I'm a metalhead. I like metal music. Why do you think I dress like this?

GRACE: I thought it was a joke

RICH: No, it's not a joke. You know, I'm not a f*cking clown dressing up silly to make you laugh. This is me. This is who I am. Forget it. This will never work.

GRACE: But it will work. You may not know this about me, Rich, but I'm not only a dancer, I'm an actor as well.

RICH: Right, how's that going to help anything?

GRACE: Using acting, I shall inhabit the role of "the metalhead", and whilst I'm in character, you can practise chatting her up.

RICH: That's the worst idea since genocide. Possibly even worse. Why would you ever want to do that?

GRACE: Fun.

RICH: No way.

GRACE: What other choice have you got, Richard?

RICH: All right, fine.

GRACE: Great. Now all you have to do is help me get into character.

RICH: Fine! Right, come with me.

Shop.

MAN: Yo, yo, Rich. How you doing, bro? I got your tickets.

RICH: How much?

MAN: There you go.

RICH: Brilliant. It's going to be f*cking sweet.

MAN: Yeah.

GRACE: What's that?

RICH: Napalm Death. Biggest gig of the year. They haven't played in the city since... Atomic Kitten were big.

GRACE: Oh. Maybe we can go together.

RICH: No, if I went with you, I wouldn't want to go.

MAN: Who is this nice young lady that you are not taking to the gig, Rich?

RICH: Grace. She's just a mate.

MAN: How you doing, Grace?

RICH: Not even a mate. She's more of an acquaintance.

GRACE: Hello, Toxic Bob. How you doing? Oh, what's that?

MAN: This behind me is Misplaced Abortion's third record. Apparently Dirk Strangle, the singer, he went loopy after they made it. It is said to be the heaviest, loudest record of all time. Only three in existence.

GRACE: Have you listened to it?

MAN: No, no, no. You can't listen to it. It's way too heavy. And to the normal human brain it doesn't make any sense. And to most of us, it sounds like silence.

GRACE: That makes no sense.

MAN: I know.

RICH: What a surprise. She doesn't understand. You've never heard of these guys? It's f*cking Ret*rded, right?

MAN: Mind if I play her a few things? Knock yourselves out. I'll give you something light to ease you in.

RICH: Ready?

MAN: I think you might like this. Grab them headphones. It won't be like last time. All right, are you ready? Better, right?

GRACE: How much is it?

MAN: Well, I tell you what, you can take it...take it as a gift cos I feel bad you passed out, and all that stuff. If you don't like it, bring it back.

RICH: What, free metal? Where's my free metal? You never give out free metal. Just cos she's got those and that.

GRACE: Oh! Sod off, you...sod!

MAN: Rich, let me tell you a story. I told Dave Mustaine this in 1983 and I think it bears repeating today.

RICH: What?

MAN: Don't be an ass hat and people will like you more. You need to be nicer to me, Rich.

In the street.

RICH: Come on, you're never going to like this CD.

GRACE: You know, you've called me stupid about three times today, and I want it to stop. I bet you couldn't answer one question about ballet.

RICH: Yeah, that's because ballet is lame and I really couldn't give a f*ck.

GRACE: Ballet is everything to me. Just like metal is to you. I'm trying to understand your way, but you won't let me.

RICH: You didn't really like the stuff Toxic Bob played, did you?

GRACE: I did like it. It had counterpoint and melody and everything else I like in music. Not that horrible noise you played me. That was just evil.

RICH: Right, well, ballet is just for gays and grannies.

GRACE: Stop treating me like an idiot and help me. Cos I'm trying to help you, aren't I? Aren't I?

Roundview.

ALO: Oh, suit yourself.

RICH: What?

ALO: So, are you going to do it, then?

RICH: Do what?

ALO: It, her, the Angel of Death. You've had plenty of time to prepare with Grace. If you don't do it...

RICH: What? What...what terrible act will you visit on my soul?

ALO: Gay.

RICH: Oh, that's mature

ALO: Gay.

RICH: So, are you just going to...

ALO: Gay.

RICH: I'm not...

ALO: Gay, gay, gay, gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay... ?

RICH: Yeah, all right, you're a f*cking...

ALO: Lovely. First thing tomorrow. Ah...! Just drop me here.

In a pub.

GRACE: Shove up.

RICH: Sorry, someone's sitting there.

GRACE: Oh, yeah? Who?

RICH: Er...you.

GRACE: What? I'm Sub. Short for Sub-Rosa. Nice to meet you.

RICH: Hey, Sub, I'm Rich.

GRACE: So, what do you do for fun, Rich?

RICH: Er...listen to music. Go to gigs. Er...hang out with my mate Alo. That's about it, really.

GRACE: You don't have any other friends, just this Alo guy?

RICH: Yeah, just him, really.

GRACE: No-one else?

RICH: Well, recently there's been a couple of other people. This girl Franky and... others.

GRACE: Others?

RICH: Yeah...there's this girl who's helping me, I suppose. OK, what sort of music are you into, Sub?

GRACE: Oh, you know, Industrial, mostly - Godflesh, early Scorn, TKK.

RICH: Nine Inch Nails?

GRACE: f*ck off. Trent Reznor can suck my cock. This girl, then, who's helping you... what do you think of her?

RICH: Honestly?

GRACE: Honestly.

RICH: She's all right. But... she lets people walk all over her. And her friends treat her like sh*t, and she doesn't say a word.

GRACE: Maybe she knows her friends love her.

RICH: Or maybe she's got no f*cking self-respect.

GRACE: You think you know me, Rich. No-one f*cking knows me. Not you, not Mini, not Liv. No-one's got a f*cking clue who I am or what I can do.

RICH: So...so, you're Grace now?

GRACE: Yes, I am Grace, and I'm not going to let you talk to me like that.

RICH: This is more like it, Grace. You shouldn't let me trash-talk you. You shouldn't let anyone trash-talk you, especially your mates.

GRACE: It makes me so...f*cking angry.

RICH: Be angry.

GRACE: I am angry!

RICH: Never compromise.

GRACE: Never compromise.

RICH: Yeah, like this track. "f*ck you, I won't do what you tell me."

GRACE: Yeah, f*ck you, I won't do what you tell me.

RICH: f*ck you, I won't do what you tell me.

GRACE: Yeah, f*ck you, I won't do what you tell me. f*ck you, I won't do what you tell me!

In the street.

RICH: m*therf*cker! So... Um...I guess I'm going to ask out the Angel of Death. First thing tomorrow.

GRACE: Oh, right.

RICH: Yeah, well, um... I've, um...got to go. So, um...I'll see you later.

GRACE: Yeah. See you later.

RICH: What would you do, eh, Barney? Just ask her out, I suppose.

Rich House.

KEVIN: Er...did you say something, Richard?

RICH: No, Kevin.

KEVIN: Listen, you know it's your mother's birthday tomorrow.

RICH: Yeah.

KEVIN: Still, though... Get her something.

RICH: What, with money you've given me? It seems a bit pointless, doesn't it?

KEVIN: Listen, I know what it's like. When I was your age, all I cared about. I was getting away from my family,

RICH: Yeah? What went wrong?

KEVIN: Bye, Richard.I l...

RICH: Don't f*cking say it, all right?

Library.

RICH: Hello. I'm Richard Hardbeck. How are you? Um...OK, so, what sort of music are you into? What do you like to do for fun? Look, listen. Do you...do you want to come out for a drink with me?

GIRL: No.

RICH: No, actually, why not? Why not?

GIRL: Yeah. Because I'm too pretty for you. Because you're weird-looking. Because I can smell your pants from here. But mostly because I would rather rim the sh*t-smeared arsehole of a dead horse with AIDS than even consider the possibility of touching your wiry, gangrenous, vile, inadequate, half-circumcised, horrifically smelly, pubescent d*ck. OK?

School.

GRACE: Rich. Hey.

RICH: Hey.

GRACE: So, last night was fun.

RICH: Er...what? Yeah, yeah. Fun.

GRACE: I was wondering if, um... you might like to do something again some time. Cos I've got this ballet recital...

RICH: No, I can't come tonight. I've got my gig, haven't I?

GRACE: OK, well, then maybe...

RICH: No, OK? I said no.

ALO: Van. Now.

RICH: What?

ALO: Explain yourself.

RICH: Now you've got something to wank over when your broadband fails. What's the problem?

ALO: The...the problem is that I just saw you reject a date with one of the hottest girls in college.

RICH: She's not hot, OK?

ALO: Every other man in the room would be balls deep...

RICH: I'm not every other man.

ALO: What's so f*cking special about you? Why are you so different to everyone?

RICH: Cos I don't compromise ever. I'm metal!

ALO: the next thing you'd see is me body-popping to Lil Wayne down Oceana.

RICH: Mate, listen to me.

ALO: Right, you can't just go through life with all these f*cking...

RICH: No, how about you listen to me... for once? This is Barney. Napalm Death. He never let anyone walk on his foot.

ALO: What the f*ck does he know? He spent his life either sitting on a bus, masturbating, or playing unlistenable music in Swansea! He ain't got a clue! Where you going?

RICH: To prove you wrong.

ALO: Oh, you're full of sh*t, Rich! You're just scared! Man the f*ck up!

Shop.

MAN: Hey, what's up, Rich? Looking forward to Napalm Death tonight?

RICH: I want it, Bob.

MAN: You want what?

RICH:You know what.

MAN: Oh, you want it?

RICH: Yes. Yes.

MAN: It's 500, boy.

RICH: It's all there, huh? Is it?! Just a record? And I saw your copy of Heat, you f*cking sellout!

MAN: Some people's children...

RICH: Hm. Bring the noise, m*therf*cker.

Hospital.

RICH: What...what do I do now?

DOCTOR: Wait.

RICH: Wait for what? What do I donow?

In the street.

RICH: I can't hear you. I've gone deaf. I've seen a doctor, though.

GRACE: Should come back soon.

RICH: Listen, Grace... ...I thought that, er... I thought your dancing was really beautiful. I tore up the ticket.

At the gig.

RICH: Be careful. f*ck careful! Grace.

Rich House.

RICH: Oh, thank f*ck. Cheers, Barney. Oh, f*ck. Kevin! Kevin!

KEVIN: I'm in the Wendy house.

RICH: I'm out of moisturiser, so if you and Anita have got... Oh. Cheers. Kevin? Can I ask you something?

KEVIN: Sure.

RICH: How did you... How did you ask Mum out?

KEVIN: Ah. Question about the fairer sex. Interesting.

RICH: Forget it, if you're going to be a douche.

KEVIN: No, no... Listen... If there's a girl that you like, all you have to do is ask. That's what I did with your mother. And it was the most frightening thing I ever did. You've just got to be brave. The worst that could happen is, she says no.

RICH: And what then?

KEVIN: Well...you try again... or you move on. No problem, son.

RICH: See you...Dad.

At school.

ALO: Is the gay convention in town, or something? Where the hell have you been all day?

RICH: Listen, Alo, I...

ALO: No, mate. Don't.

RICH: I...I just, you know... I...

ALO: It's cool, mate. No worries, yeah?

RICH: OK.

ALO: OK.

FRANKY: I'm sorry, was that, like, a conversation you two just had? That was like an outtake from Rain Man.

ALO: Yeah? I'm Tom Cruise.

RICH: Er...have you seen Grace?

FRANKY: Why?

RICH: Because...

FRANKY: She's on College Green.

RICH: Oh. Er...see you in a bit, yeah?

ALO: Yeah, in a bit.

College Green.

RICH: Grace.

GRACE: Oh. Rich.

RICH: Hey, can I, er...talk to you?

GRACE: Oh, OK. So, you can hear again?

RICH: Er...yeah. Something must have clicked last night.

GRACE: Awesome. Look, I'm meeting Mini in a minute, so you need to be quick.

RICH: Well, um... I had a good time last night.

GRACE: Me too.It was perfect. I loved it. I would have told you after, but you were deaf. You got my text, though?

RICH: Yeah.

GRACE: Oh, right. Things got pretty close last night, didn't they?

RICH: Er... It's probably good...

GRACE: nothing happened between us. Right?

RICH: Yeah, I..guess so.

GRACE: Who are the flowers for?

RICH: My mum.

GRACE: Really?

RICH: No, really.

GRACE: Right.

MINI: Gracie!

GRACE: I have to go. I'll, er...see you soon? Hi, Min.