6x07 - Alo

[bunniefuu]

[At Neverland.]

Alo: Whoo! Mini! Mini! Come dance! Mini!

Alo: I don't give a sh*t, mate. Like none of the shits. I've got no more shits for that girl. You know, I don't get it. We used to have jokes, like proper f*cking

jokes. And now it's just... I don't know. Reality drama bullshit.

Rich: Al, I didn't wanna tell you this when you were all smitten and sh*t but you can do better, man.

Alo: For reals?

Rich: For f*cking reals. Why not? What about her?

Alo: Who?

Rich: Her. She's eye-f*cking you, man.

Alo: f*ck, man. She's coming over. Look, she's coming over. f*cking be cool.

Poppy: Hey. Wanna monkey-f*ck?

Alo: What?

Poppy: I'm desperado for a light here.

Alo: Yeah, sure.

Poppy: You know there are 12 other douchebags dressed as Peter Pan?

Alo: Oh, yeah, but they're just wannabes.

Poppy: You wanna know a secret?

Alo: Always.

Poppy: Found a... secret stash of bevvies. Gonna make a cocktail. You want in?

Alo: Cha ! Better?

Rich: Much better.

Poppy: Little bit of this, little bit of that.

Alo: Are you trying to get me drunk so you can get in my pants?

Poppy: Oh, no. That's what the rohypnol's for. This is just for jokes.

Mini: Very mature... farm boy.

Alo: Oh. Er... Mini McGuinness. This is...

Poppy: Poppy Champion.

Alo: Poppy Champion.

Mini: Well, um... enjoy your beer and bants, then.

[In the car.]

Alo: So.

Poppy: So. It's been fun.

[Morning after.]

Alo: I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Dewi tried to off-road the van this morning. Totally f*cked it. So, er... we're stuck with Betsy.

Poppy: You own a tractor?

Alo: I know. It's properly jokes.

Poppy: I love tractors.

Alo: Fancy a lift, Tink?

Poppy: What's the plan, Peter Pan?

Alo: Well. I thought we could munch this shiz alfresco.

Poppy: Fancy. Are you trying to impress me?

Alo: I don't need to try. Onwards to Neverland! f*ck! Whoa! Ow! f*cking sweat balls! Ow!

Poppy: Does it hurt? Oh!

Alo: No.

Poppy: You're it.

Alo: What?

Poppy: Come on, Alo! Oh, you cheat!

Alo: Poppy! Oi! Come on! Come on!

Alo: Pretty average land-boy lifestyle, really. Got my mum. My dad. Four cows. Bunch of sheep and chickens. Oh, and Rags, my dog.

Poppy: We got a Labrador once, but my dad gave him to an old folks' home cos he crapped in his bed.

Alo: Bet he was the sh*t.

Poppy: We called him Napoleon cos he was so little.

Alo: Oh, little dogs are badass.

Poppy: I know, right? Hey, you wanna see me do a handstand?

Alo: Um... yeah.

Poppy: Ta-da! How life-altering was that?

Alo: You're like... really weird.

Poppy: I know you are.

Alo: No, I mean like a compliment. A lot... a lot of girls would hate this, not rom coming it, just hanging out, having jokes.

Poppy: You talking about a lot of girls or just Wendy?

Alo: What?

Poppy: Well, the bombshell who chitchatted with us in Neverland. Well, she's your ex, right? Well, you don't have to tell me if it's too like emo or whatever.

Alo: No! Um... no. Look, we weren't even really together. It was all physical. She has a serious case of libido bipolar, hot and cold all the time. I was like her West Country whore, fuckable just as long as nobody found out.

Alo: So, um... I mean, I'm... I'm just throwing this out there, but...do you want to make this thing official?

Poppy: Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Alo?

Alo: Maybe. Do you want to?

Poppy: Wait. There's something else I wanna do first.

[At Poppy's.]

Voice:'Meet Joe Jonas!'Excellent!'

Alo: Oh, f*ck! f*ck, I'm going to come!

Poppy: f*ck, yeah! Oh! Oh.

Alo: Oh, no.

Poppy: Oh, yes! Yes, yes!

Alo: Oh, f*ck!

Poppy: Yes!

Alo: What... what the f*ck?

Poppy: Chill out. I never use a condom. It's no biggie.

Alo: No, no, no, no! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me. Stay there. Stay there, stay there. OK. OK.

Poppy: Oh. OK.

Alo: Just tell me exactly... how old are you?

Poppy: I'm 14. Almost.

Alo: Oh, my God! You're 13!

Poppy: I don't get it. What's the drama?

Alo: Of course you don't get it. You're a child.

Poppy: I'm not a child. I can get the adult menu at Pizza Hut.

Alo: What the f*ck? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm a teenage paedo. Like an actual paedophile! Me! f*ck! I woke up this morning and I was normal!

Poppy's dad: Poppy!

Poppy: Shiz. That's my parents.

Alo: Oh, my God.

Poppy: You just get off your arse.

Poppy's dad: All right, I will, then.Lovely!

Poppy's dad: You know, when we met, you loved the fact that I fought.

Poppy's mum: If that was all that was wrong with you then, Connell, things change.

Poppy's dad: Let's not talk about things changing, love. Unless you want to talk about your tits.

Poppy's mum: Oh, f*ck off!

Poppy's dad: And your arse.

Poppy's mum: Go and do the garden like you...

Poppy's dad: Don't f*ck me around the f*cking Cotswolds!

Poppy's mum: were, Connell, if f*cking only!

Poppy's dad: If only I could get at them, love! Don't talk to me like that!

Poppy's dad: That's right! No, no, don't pin any of this "oh, he doesn't even touch me any more" shite on me, all right?

[At Roundview.]

Rich: Boo!

Alo: f*cking...

Rich: So. How did D-day go with the green fairy?

Alo: Pixie. Look, mate, I... I really need to talk to you about...

Rich: Oh, Frankster. Alo was just gushing about his new squeeze.

Franky: New squeeze?

Alo: There's no squeeze.

Franky: Yeah, Al. About that. I, um... Hey, Hardbeck, do you mind if I chat up your life partner for a hot minute?

Rich: Sure. Oh, what, alone? Oh, cool, yeah. Mm. Yeah. Laters.

Franky: I know about you and Mini.

Alo: Yeah, and?

Franky: And? Look, Mini likes to think she's a complicated girl, Alo, but she's not. When she says no, she really means yes.

Alo: That sounds a bit wrong.

Franky: Focus, Alo. Mini needs you.

Alo: She doesn't even like me.

Franky: Doesn't matter. You have to get her back Don't you get it? You two are like the only good thing to happen this entire crappy year. So, stop f*cking it, Alo.

Alo: How am I f*cking... You know what, Franks? I cannot deal with this bullshit right now.

[Later.]

Alo: I'm sorry but it's over. No, don't cry. I'm not dumping you. I just don't want to hear or see you any more. It's over, bitch!

Rings.

Poppy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm so glad you came!

Alo: Oh. Um... Poppy. I... We need to talk.

Poppy: After you meet my mates.

Girl: So, what are you, like, 30?

Alo: Yeah, close.

Girl: Anyway, status update?

Poppy: Well, it's not Facebook official. But it's totally official. Right, babes?

Alo: Yeah, yeah. Love you too, girlfriend.

Girl: So, what, have you two like done the nookie?

Poppy: Don't be dizzy, Megs. I'm no Taylor Swift. We did it like a million times last night. Doggy, pony, everything. Right, babe?

Girl: You should defs invite some of your hot mates to come jam. The boy-girl ratio here is practically lezbo. No offence, Pops.

Alo: Yeah, they're not really into electro-pop. Or prison.

Girl: What?

Girl 2: Tune!

Alo: Ah. What's happening? Poppy! Poppy! Hey! We need to talk. Hands to yourself, Chris Brown. You wanna do hot knives?

Alo: Poppy. We don't have to do hot knives.

Poppy: Cheska scammed some MD off her sister. We could drop a few bombs if you want.

Alo: Poppy. I should never have come here. I... I'm sorry but I can't be your boyfriend or whatever you want me to be. Look, it's not you, it's me. OK? No, actually it is kind of all you. But, I mean, don't feel bad because we can still be mates. I mean not, like, call or text or hang-out kind of mates. But... I'm really sorry.

Poppy: You're gonna go back to that mega-bitch Mini, aren't you?

Alo: No! I don't know!

Poppy: Fine. Flip off! You make people think you're nice but you're not nice. You're just a... a hypocrite! Get out! Wait! Stop! Please don't go! You won't be happy with her! She doesn't love you!

Alo: Listen to me, OK, Poppy? I'm sorry, OK? But I... I don't love you back. And it's... it's just not love if someone doesn't love you back.

Poppy: Stop. Stop it. Stop it!

Alo: I'm not your boyfriend! You're a child! It's sick! I don't even like you! And no amount of head or head-fuckery is going to change that! Poppy, look...

Girl: Back the f*ck up, kiddy fiddler!

Girl 2: Pervert! Someone call the police!

Alo: No, it's... I'm going, all right? I'm going.

[At Roundview.]

Rich: So, you gonna tell me, then, what happened with, er... Poppy, champion of the world?

Alo: No. Shut up, all right? I've been thinking. Why don't we go away?

Rich: What?

Alo: Yeah, you know. We'll... we'll hit up Amsterdam. Lost Boys it like we always said we would.

Rich: Is this about your exam? Because I told you you can't cram an entire term the night before, Al.

Alo: No. This is not about an exam. I just wanna get away, that's all. And right now I want to go to Amsterdam with my best f*cking matey. Now come on. What do you say?

Rich: I dunno, Al. I'll think about it, yeah?

Alo: Bullshit, Rich. Do not just say stuff to make me feel better.

Rich: I think it's tops. Just... I mean well back-burn it.

Alo: No. It's a yay or a nay, or f*ck off, Rich.

Alo: McGuinness!

Mini: Thanks.

Alo: That's OK.

Policeman: Is this year 13 geography?

Teacher: Yes.

Policeman: Aloysius Creevey.

Alo: Oi! What the f*ck are you doing?

Policeman: You're nicked.

Policeman 2: Yeah, all right, mate!

Policeman: Come on, son. You won't need A-levels where you're going.

Alo: Look. Whatever you think I've done, all right, you're wrong.

Policeman: I'm just waiting to hear you say it. Play silly buggers if you want. We've got all day.

Policeman 2: Smithy, we've got squash at seven.

Policeman: We've got till six. Minus an hour for lunch. So, you better start talking, boyo, cos you're in trouble.

Policeman 2: Big trouble.

Policeman: You're looking at at least three years' jail time. Plus a year on the sex offenders register.

Alo: Three years?

Policeman: We have a statement here given by Poppy Champion earlier today. Mitch?

Policeman 2: "Aloysius Creevey groomed me until I sexed him. He said he liked 'em young."

Alo: Nuh-uh, right? It's the other way around. She's had more sex than me!

Policeman 2: "He told me I could play with his puppy. But he didn't mean his pet."

Alo: I meant Rags. My dog Rags, not... my penis.

Policeman 2: "He gave me alcohol and..." And dr*gs. "He said it wouldn't hurt."

Policeman: You sick bastard.

Policeman 2: You sick... you sick bastard.

Alo: Look, all right? She is the sick one. She's lying! Oh, come on! Right. OK. All right. I had sex with her, but I didn't know she was underage, OK? I didn't know. I swear I didn't know!

Policeman: You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

[In jail.]

Keeper: Aloysius Creevey. You've got a visitor.

Doug: Hello, Aloysius. How are you, lad? We've cleared out your locker. Most of it we had to confiscate. Or incinerate. Here's the rest. I think you know what I'm going to say. I'm sorry, Aloysius.But we are suspending you from Roundview College, subject to further investigation.

Alo: Doug, please.

Doug: It's out of my hands, Aloysius. They're saying you're a danger to children. Or in street parlance, a nonce.

Alo: I am not a nonce, all right?

Doug: I know that. But technically you are. Sorry. But chin up. You can bounce back. Get on that horse. And don't let the bastards grind you down! Not you. I didn't mean you.

Alo: Can you leave now, please?

Doug: Yes. Yes. Remember, lad. Oggy, oggy, oggy! Yes?

Keeper: You just called me a bastard.

Doug: Er... no. I... I didn't.

Keeper: Aloysius Creevey. You've been released on bail pending trial.

Rich: You should have told me.

Alo: I thought I could handle it.

Rich: You know everything's gonna be fine, right?

Alo: No, Richard. It's not fine. That is the opposite of what its going to be. Everything is f*cked. If it's f*cked now, what's it gonna be like next year or in five years? I cant hack this for the rest of my life, Rich, all right? What shall I do?

Alo: What are you doing?

Rich: Just...

Alo: I don't need that kind of cheering up.

Rich: Just ring Poppy and be like, you know, what the f*ck and sh*t.

Alo: I don't think I'm allowed to talk to her. What are you doing? Rich! Rich, I think that's still illegal. Don't call her. Don't call her, Rich. Rich! Rich, don't. Don't f*cking...

Rich: It's ringing.

Alo: Rich, stop. No, no! Rich, don't...

Rich: It's ringing.

Poppy: There you go.

Alo: Thank God! I got arrested because of you! Sorry. OK. I am being charged with a sexual as*ault of a minor. Do you have any idea how serious that is?

Poppy: I know and I'm sorry. I was just monumentally pissed at you.

Alo: I could go to jail. If you tell them I made it all up, they'll drop the charges.

Poppy's dad: Poppy, who are you talking to?

Poppy: Dad! I... No-one. Dad!

Poppy's dad: Hey, now you listen here, you sick paedo f*ck. You're going to jail.

Alo: Hi, Mr Champion. If you'd kindly let me finish speaking with Po...

Poppy's dad: Now, I'm a God-fearing man, but I swear to baby Christ if that limp d*ck jumps out of your pants again, I will bite it off!

Alo: Mr Champion, I apologise. If there's anything...

Poppy's dad: I will bite off that cocky cock of yours. Do you hear me?

Alo: Yes, I can hear you.

Poppy's dad: I will r*pe you in your prickless hole with your own dirty d*ck. I will r*pe you so f*cking hard you'll wish you d*ed as a child!

Alo: OK.

Poppy's dad: 'f*ck you!'

Rich: What did she say?

Alo: No. No, that was her dad, right? He wants to bite my d*ck off and r*pe me with it. So, you know, no biggie.

Rich: So, that... it didn't go well, then?

Alo: Come on, mate. Let's just leave.

Rich: Oh, f*cking great. Where you going? You can't just run away from this.

Alo: I can, Rich, yeah? People say that they can't run away from their problems. Well, yeah, they just weren't running fast enough.

Rich: Alo! Alo! Al!

Bus driver: I don't know what kids' bus you're getting, mate.

Alo: f*ck's sake!

Voice: 'Hi, this is Mini. Can't talk right now. Leave a message.'

[At the public garder.]

Alo: Oi! Who's down here then? Ow! Go back up, you little bastard.

Mother: Tyler, get away from that strange man! You nonce!

Alo: No, it's not what it looks like.

Mother: Come on, girls.

Alo: I've haven't even been to court yet! Oh, sh*t.

Dewi: Morning, boy.

Alo: All right, Dewi? How did you find me?

Dewi: When you weren't in the barn. Thought you'd be here. Hear you messed up.

Alo: Yeah, I know.

Dewi: Mmm. Well, I brought this for you. It's from your ma. She's worried about you.

Alo: I'm running away, Dew.

Dewi: Not a fan, then?

Alo: Hmm.

Dewi: The thing about Peter Pan is, boy, he's a coward. He had the chance of a lifetime and he bottled it. Just f*cked off back to Neverland. All alone forever, he was, by his own hand. Poor old Wendy, she had to grow old without him. f*cking tragedy, if you ask me. Well, I suppose... you're old enough and, well, you're ugly enough to make your own decisions. Or make your own mistakes. That's all I have. It's up to you now, son. Stay or run. Just look after yourself, eh, boy?

[At Mini's]

Alo: McGuinness! McGuinness! Mini!

Mini: For f*ck's sake, farm boy! What are you playing at?

Alo: OK. OK, OK. With a little hindsight, the whole breaking and entering does feel a bit excessive. But, to be fair, I did knock and you didn't answer, which is kind of rude considering you're actually home.

Mini: Maybe because I didn't want to speak to a child molester!

Alo: It was an accident.

Mini: What? What? You slipped, fell and molested a pre-teen girl?

Alo: Don't say that.

Mini: I mean, you know, congratulations. You finally found a girl with the same mental age as you. But, seriously, Alo, what is wrong with you?

Alo: You're what's wrong with me! I'm not just some lame Michael Cera. You can't treat me like a bitch and expect me not to fall in love with you. It's not fair, Mini.

Mini: Who said I was in love with you?

Alo: Don't... don't do that, OK? Don't revert back to that Mean Girls McGuinness bullshit, OK? I hate that girl. I want you. I know you, Mini. I know you're afraid.

You're terrified of being alone, but guess what. I'm not your dad.

Mini: It's not that easy.

Alo: How? How is it not that easy? I don't see what can be easier than just you and me. What are you so afraid of? What... what is it?

Mini: I want you to go, Alo.

Alo: No.

Mini: Leave now. Get out! Get out of my room! Get out! Get out of my room!

Alo: OK. OK, OK. I'll go. I love you and I know you love me, too. And when you're ready to admit that, you come and find me. Cos I'll be f*cking waiting. However long it takes.

Franky: You have to tell him.

[At Poppy's.]

Poppy: Alo! You came.

Alo: Let's just get this done, yeah?

Poppy: OK. They're in here. Mum. Dad. This is Alo. He's here to talk about the charges.

Alo: Hello.

Poppy's mum: You'd better sit down.

Poppy's dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't you dare sit at my table.

Poppy's mum: It's my mother's table.

Poppy's dad: Well, it's my house. So he'll stand.

Poppy: So, anyway... Basically, you know what I told you and the police? Well, I made it up.

Poppy's mum: This is your fault.

Poppy's dad: She needs boundaries! You... you just let her gallivant...

Poppy's mum: I do not!

Poppy's dad: You're as soft as shite.

Poppy's mum: You'd tie her up by the roadside.

Poppy's dad: That dog was a hell beast. He's better off.

Poppy's mum: What, dead?

Poppy's dad: I did not k*ll him.

Poppy's mum: Who are you trying to convince? You had it in for that dog right from the start!

Poppy's dad: Instead of using that Kn*fe to butcher the overcooked lamb, Poppy's mum: why don't you just put me out of my misery and slit my bloody wrists?

Alo: Shut the f*ck up! This is bullshit. Poppy wanted me to come here and convince you that what she was saying wasn't true. But I can't do that. Cos it is. But you should know that it was an accident. If I'd ever known her age, I would never have... You can have me arrested. You can b*at the sh*t out of me. But I guarantee... it's not gonna make you feel any better. Aah! Whoa! Aah!

Poppy's dad: You know what? I do feel better! I'll see you in court, scumbag!

[Later.]

Mini: Aye aye, Captain! So you're living in a playground now. Smart move, farm boy. You look like sh*t.

Alo: Yeah, well, you should see the other guy. He's totally fine.

Mini: Been looking for you everywhere.

Alo: Why?

Mini: Just trying to make convo. Come on, useless. Let's get you home. Alo.

Alo: Yeah?

Mini: Hand off my arse.

Alo: Don't be so fussy.

[At Alo's.]

Alo: I've really f*cked it, haven't I?

Mini: Yep. To be fair, um... it is quite an achievement to, er... screw up so epically.

Alo: Cheers. What?

Mini: Nothing. Nothing.

Alo: You were gonna say I f*cked up with you as well? I f*ck up everything. It's true.

Mini: I wasn't sure what I wanted.

Alo: Yeah, well, you were right not to be sure. I'm just a f*cking quarter bottle of disappointment, me, ain't I?

Mini: If I had a... a problem, like a really big problem and, er... Well, would... would you help me? Would you, like, stand by me? Would you help me?

Alo: What? What is it? Oh. Hello?

Poppy (phone): 'Alo? It's me.'

Alo: I'm not supposed to be talking to you, am I?

Poppy (phone): 'I was just ringing to tell you that you kind of made my mum leave my dad.'

Alo: Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Poppy (phone):'It's fine. He's a bit of a prick. Everyone knows it. But Mum made him drop the charges. And you're lovely. 'Whoever gets to be your girlfriend is lucky, cos you're lovely. Plus, you've gota ginormous willy. Bye, Alo.'

Alo: Mini? Mini? What?