1x03 - Jal

[bunniefuu]

INSTRUMENTS BEING TUNED

(Woman) Shut it!

Jal, OK?

No repeats. Don't get ahead.

SHE PLAYS CLARINET OTHERS JOIN IN TUNELESSLY No! Mezzo.

f*cking mezzo for f*ck's sake!

Jesus Christ, Kevin. Lose the sodding chewing gum, you twat!

Trumpets, f*cking keep up.

Kevin, oi!

CRASH sh*t! Wank! You useless frigging tosser. See me after.

Now accelerando. f*cking accelerando.

Bollocks, bollocks.

Let's try the concerto now. It's such a lovely competition piece.

Do you think you can handle it?

Dunno.

You'll win if you can pull it off. Hand me the piano part.

Um, Claire?

Oh, hi, Doug.

Can I have a word?

Sure. What's up?

Um... We've had a couple of complaints about the orchestra.

Well, the brass section is a little rough but then Gershwin's deceptively difficult.

No, no, no. It's more of a... a language problem with, well, with the swearing.

Swearing?

Yes. I was listening outside and there was quite a bit of swearing.

Oh, well, I'll have a word with them. OK?

It's just...

Yes.

No problem.

Fine. Thanks.

Oh, you know Jal - our Young Musician Of The Year finalist.

No, I... Well done.

And you'll sort out the swearing?

I'll get to the bottom of it, Doug.

Yes. Thank you.

OK, let's try the allegro.

OK.

Yeah! f*ck my donkey, that's good!

(TV) 'Day 97 and Majika isn't happy at how Kinky treated her 'during the penis test.

'She gets together with Jakelia, Bubbins and Tibo to talk things over.

'She is such a bitch.

'Total bitch.

'Bitch. Check out those tits. My God, she's such a liar.

'Slag. She had them done.

'Slag.

'What I'd like to do to that whore, I'd like to...

'BIRDSONG'

'... right? And then I'm gonna peel her top off and I'm gonna...

'BIRDSONG'

Michelle?

Mmm?

Do you have to do that?

What?

Suck Tony's face off in public all the time.

She loves me. Yeah, babe?

Yeah.

We're supposed to be going shopping!

Michelle.

I wanna hump you silly.

We're just gonna, um, nip upstairs.

I need to go shopping.

What for?

A dress for Jal's music competition.

This won't take long.

MICHELLE AND TONY GIGGLE Jesus, are they gonna?

f*ck this.

DOORBELL RINGS Hi.

Is, uh, Tony in?

MICHELLE SHRIEKS Pretty much.

Oh. I'll just, uh, wait.

You know, hang out.

Is that all you do, Sid? Hang out with Tony?

Pretty much. And Michelle.

Yeah. Michelle.

Come on. Going shopping.

I don't shop.

Shut up. You'll have to do.

MICHELLE MOANS I'll have to do?

f*cking hell.

In here.

What?

Jesus, come on!

Get this.

Looks nice, yeah.

No, it f*cking doesn't. I can't breathe properly, look.

How am I supposed to play clarinet in a f*cking dress?

Zip.

Just wear normal stuff.

It's the Young Musician Of The Year.

In, uh, where? Bedminster?

In Britain. I've gotta fix up.

Zip.

It's in your arse, Jal.

For Christ's sakes, are you gonna help me here or not?

HE MUMBLES It won't move.

Aaah!

What's wrong with you?! Come on!

Oh, God!

Oh, Christ. Let me get hold of it.

Hurry!

Oh, that's it! Oh, that's it.

She, uh, didn't like it. Too small.

Yes.

HE PANTS You're disgusting.

It's Lynx.

HE HUMS Woah...

It's not right.

It's fine. It's just a dress.

You really know how to talk to a girl, Sid.

Do I?

No.

Oh.

When are you going to stop moping over Michelle?

HE LAUGHS UNEASILY What?

Oh, is it that obvious?

She's your best friend's girlfriend, Sid, and it's a little bit weird.

How's this gonna happen?

Um... Well, OK, right, we're out, yeah, and she is drunk, you know, totally mentalled and mistakes me for Tony in the dark, and her hands are everywhere.

Everywhere - all over my body and she goes crazy when she realises my tongue's double jointed.

But by then it's too late and we go at it like animals until...

For f*ck's sake!

Well, don't ask if you don't want to know.

I want a cookie.

Double super choc sprinkle surprise, please. What?

There's more to life than sex, eh?

You and me both.

Huh?

Oh, come on. It's not like you're getting any, either.

You've got your Young Musician Of The Year. I've got chocolate-chip cookies.

SHE SIGHS Deal with it.

METRONOME TICKS SHE PLAYS ALONG WITH BACKING MUSIC POUNDING BASS MUFFLED RAPPING MUSIC INTENSIFIES Don't push me, don't push me Cos this sh*t just won't stand I spit some sh*t you won't believe The opposite of bland Cos I am the man And you won't understand...

Hey, buttas, why you messin' my flow? You get me?

I'm trying to do some f*cking practice.

Who's stopping you, mootbag?

Yo, you're all up in our b*at, Sister.

This is big brother business. Ya know what I'm sayin'?

I think I do, Ace. And what I'm saying is shut the f*ck up. OK?!

Raas!

Duck out, waste gash. You come in 'ere chattin', wet on our tune.

Agh!

What did you do that for?

Agh! She did it again!

Don't be calling our sister no waste gash, n*gga.

Sorry.

Yo, Jal. We got some serious bars goin' down.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out. Drop a b*at, Don.

Yeah, man, but everyone's hittin' me an' ting.

Drop a b*at, Don.

It's all blessed. Chill, innit?

Yeah, man. Yeah. Blood, do you want me to rep my endz?

Yeah, rep it, rep it, rep it, rep it, rep it!

Check it out, Sis.

Make some noise, milky man! Check it!

BAD BEATBOXING HEAVY BASS LINE Don't be comin' in my face Talking 'bout feminism I'll put you in your place with my blatant sexism Take my hench piece out of my larder Cos to me "No" means "Yes" and "Yes" means...

(AIl) Harder!

Cha, cha Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Where my ladies at?

Tupac and Biggie RIP Tupac and Biggie got more money than me

(AIl) Even though they're dead...

FEEDBACK ALL TALK Hi, Jayvon. Where's the boss?

Nice dress.

No, I like it. It's... It's brown.

Oh, thanks, Jayvon. And it's green.

Is it? Are you sure?

Oh, f*ck it, I dunno.

(Man) Check this out. I put on the music, playing some Marvin Gaye...

Dad?

Dad.

I said, "You don't know Marvin?"

Jal. What's happening?

Hey, it's the blessed child.

I can't practise because my f*cking brothers are banging out dumb hip-hop.

Boys need practice too.

Yeah, them boys need plenty of practice, you know what I'm saying?

For sure, cos those pussies are bad. And I mean f*cking bad.

They're doing their ting.

We didn't sound so cool way back when.

Yes, but we had tune. And you had talent.

Maybe you lost it.

Ooh. You hear that?

"Maybe you lost it."

Ronny, um, I don't think you introduced me.

No? Um, yeah, Jal, this is Alicia.

Hi.

I'm so excited. Your dad's going to remix one of my tracks for me.

Yeah? Has he shown you his special slider yet?

Ooh!

No, not yet.

LAUGHTER I've got my competition on Saturday. Not that you care.

Rooty tooty music. Maybe you like dancing for whitey.

If you say so, Dad. Nice to meet you.

LAUGHTER Oh, shite! She get you, man. She get you good!

What? What's wrong?

She's got some serious attitude.

And she's looking more like her mother every day.

Ain't that the truth.

Two time.

So what? So this girl got a sister?

Yeah, she got a sister, but boy...

DIAL TONE

'Chelle?

'Did you get a dress? '

Yeah. No, I bought one.

'What colour is it? '

Green.

'Is it nice? '

f*cking horrible, of course.

'Sorry! '

You don't sound very sorry.

'Oh, stop it! '

What's that noise. Is he?

'You know, he's just h-hanging out.'

Yeah. Ring me back when you aren't actually being penetrated, OK?

Jesus!

It's just you and me.

ECHOING BASS f*ck! f*ck!

ALICIA LAUGHS Wow, Ronny, that is so genius!

Yeah, babe.

Here's my best bit.

In my dreams You're not what you seem Pour sweet cream on my strawberries Yeah Oh, yeah Ooh-ooh.

Needs work.

CLINKING OF CUTLERY SLURPING Ahh!

SLURPING I hear you guys are musicians too.

What she spittin'?

Raas, breader, dat's bate.

She ain't even that buff.

Cool.

Um, Jal. I thought maybe I could use your flute on one of my tracks.

Where you going, sister? I ain't no choong.

You get me, blood?

Watch your lip. You, too.

They're just messing with you, sweetness.

Oh, right, well, that's kicking, then.

You got places to go?

She's sittin' in my mother's seat, man!

Oh... I'm sorry.

Move. We're working.

What happened to her?

She didn't like my sound.

PIANO MUSIC Come on, keep up.

Be f*cking natural! Jesus Christ! Come on!

Yes!

Yo! Mezzo forte.

Mezzo for f*ck's sakes! OK! OK!

Nice. Oh, Doug, hi.

Yes. The director wants to see Jal here. Straightaway, please.

Right there. Off you go.

Doug?

I love you.

SPRIGHTLY PIANO MUSIC

Come in.

Ah, yes. Come in, uh...

Jal... Jalander?

Jal is fine.

OK.

Doug.

You all right?

Little bit hot in here.

Is it?

Anyway, um, Jal.

We're just delighted that we've produced such a talented pupil.

Right. It was Claire, really.

So, we'd like you to do a couple of interviews.

We want to celebrate this amazing achievement for a girl of your background.

Pardon?

And, uh, I've prepared a checklist of ways in which we've helped you to overcome your handicaps.

A sort of aide-memoire, so to speak.

Sorry, handicaps?

And when you talk to the television, I'd like you to mention the college's upcoming bid for Working Towards Sustaining Excellence under the Everything's Getting Better initiative.

It's all terribly important.

It's for people like you. OK, Jal?

(Doug) So, you've got the Evening Post at three.

Then This Morning with bubbly Fern Britton at half past, followed by Blue Peter. Then Channel 4.

They're ironic, OK?

Um...

Finally, we don't like people to get disappointed...

In what?

The competition.

We don't like disappointment, do we, Doug?

So I've prepared a checklist of things to think when you lose.

As long as you've done your best.

That's the main thing.

Thanks for the advice.

Right. Let's go for it.

Go, Jal. Kick it. Let's rock!

Inspirational. That's what we're all about.

(Man) 'So if you win, will we see you in the charts?

'No.

(Man) 'Right. And your family, they must be very proud of you.

'No.

(Man) 'Uh... are they musical too?

'No.

(Man) 'Um... Right. Um...

'Have you decided what you are going to wear on the big night?

'No.

(Man) 'OK, and, uh, who's the best... '

You don't exactly put out, do you, girl?

What?

'Wayne Osmond... '

Do you have to be so f*cking sulky all the time?

I'm not.

(Man) 'So tell me about the clarinet. It's a kind of flute, isn't it?

'No. It's a single reed woodwind instrument... '

If I was on telly, I'd make an effort.

Look at you.

(Man) 'Will you take a lucky mascot on stage with you?

'No.

(Man) 'Well, lots of luck with that... '

And this.

I mean, f*cking hell.

Why?

I dunno. It fitted.

How much?

14 quid.

For f*ck's sake. It's brown.

It's not. It's green.

I suit green.

I paid good money for that.

You did not.

Jesus, 'Chelle. I can't wear that stuff.

Shut up. You, girl, need to learn a few tricks.

Like what?

Like looking good. It's what I do.

It isn't all you do.

Yeah, it is. You play clarinet and I look shaggable.

It's talent, girl. Pure talent.

Now, come on. Off.

Sorry, mate. Record company showcase. Over 21s tonight.

Well, I'm 21. We're all 21. Aren't we, lads?

Definitely.

Yup. He's an old one, he is.

ID?

There you go. Check it out.

I know, takes years off me.

But I had to cut it off.

It kept getting caught in the girlfriend's piercing.

Anyway, shall we go in?

Yup, might as well.

f*ck off before I stick this so far up your arse, your teeth come out of your eyeballs. All right?

OK.

Look I just don't want to disappoint my colleague, Dr Makabi.

He's visiting from Senegal.

Katinga.

Gotta warn you, he's got some serious voodoo sh*t going on.

You mean like this?

Yeah. Like that.

Bit more subtle.

f*ck off.

We're out. Let's get outta here, man.

It's all right, Danny.

They can come in with me.

Woah.

Jal? Is that you in there?

My dad'll put them on the guest list. OK?

Cheers, bruv.

Your sh*t really good!

For Christ's sake. Stop looking at them.

Sorry Jal.

They're a bit... Well, they're out, aren't they?

You're gay, for Christ sakes.

Yeah... I mean, yeah, of course.

And you're supposed to respect women's bodies, Muslim boy.

I'm respecting. Believe me, I'm respecting.

Are those? I mean, what's keeping it all up? Is that...

Don't touch.

But I wanna touch. Honestly, I'll die if I don't touch.

So who's buying us a drink?

I will.

It's on me.

I'll get a pitcher.

I'll buy you both a drink.

I'm going for a wee.

Nice work.

And I look...

Yeah, yeah. Cool.

I'll catch you later, yeah?

I don't know where she's been hiding it. Yeah, honestly.

Nice. Miss Obu?

Huh?

The dress. It's Miss Obu. I love that cut.

Oh. Thanks.

Can I get you a drink?

Um. I think my friends...

Oh, no problem. Maybe in a while.

You look lovely.

Oh. Cool.

What is he doing with the posh bitch?

Talking.

What? Like we're talking?

I dunno, Michelle.

Yeah, talking.

Just talking.

I know you fancy me.

I...

Oh, Christ.

I love you, Sid.

But more like a...

Please.

Brother and sister thing.

Oh, f*ck.

One for luck.

Yeah, yeah.

We could be like a Welsh brother and sister.

You know, locked up in the farmhouse with nothing but the sheep and our abusive father. Yeah, yeah.

Funny, Sid.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Um, wow, hi.

I got you a pint.

Great.

Cheers. I need to be drunk.

HE BELCHES Oh, fine. Wow, it's nothing.

I said, let me hear some noise!

CHEERING Now, yeah! My bredren's comin' to waste you up, yeah?!

They're the biggest. Don't ever get it twisted!

What?

Big it up for my boys. Blood!

Roots! Ace Man and Lynton!

Yo! Yo! Yo!

Rap, rap, rap, rap...

Yo! Yo! Yo! Hit me!

Pump your gash.

Want some cash.

Yo.

Volkswagen Polo. Yo.

I can't hear you, man. Your microphone ain't working!

Yeah. One, two...

The mike ain't...

The mike ain't working!

FEEDBACK HE MOUTHS BOOING Look there he is.

(Chanting) Fazer! Fazer! Fazer! Fazer!

It ain't happening, man.

Yo, yo, yo, yo. You know he's not gonna come.

So let's go, yeah?

Somebody scream!

JUNGLE MUSIC PLAYS Seen Michelle?

Went home with Tony. What are you doing?

Comforting you.

What about?

Come on. Forget her, Sid.

Is there anybody in this club that doesn't know I've got a thing for Michelle?

No.

How comforting are you feeling?

You know I love you, Sid, but...

Oh, don't you f*cking start. Jesus.

Hey. You said I could buy you a drink.

Bar's closed.

Yeah, but my mate's just opened a club up the road.

It's a nice place. You wanna join me?

I don't think so.

Come on.

It's such a pretty dress.

Shame to waste it.

Tell you what, bring your friend for a drink then I'll get you a cab. Promise.

Sid?

OK. Sure. Why not?

Yeah. Let's get out of this place.

So what's your name?

Jal. Jalander.

Cool name.

And what do you do, Jalander?

I play the clarinet.

Oh, yeah. You any good?

I'm f*cking good.

Let's get a taxi, yeah?

Jal?

What the f*ck?!

Hello, Sidney.

Oh, God.

(Jal) What the f*ck?! Let go!

Shut up.

My associate, William, here, he's been following you.

I mean, let's face it. You owe me a lorra, lorra money.

It's the principle, isn't it?

Isn't it?

I give you spliff on easy credit and you don't pay.

In fact, you actively don't pay me!

So now, now we're down to consequences.

Leave him alone!

Shut up. Shut up!

I take credit cards.

I'll take them now.

Thank you.

Yours, an all.

I don't have one.

Oh.

Well, what do you have?

Ah, yeah. Goods of value.

Listen, have everything in my account, yeah?

Smart arse, give me your PIN number, now.

3746.

Well, thank you very much.

Oh, yeah look at that.

Now that...

...is a mighty fine body.

HE PLAYS EXPERTLY It's a nice tone.

Please, I need that.

I know, I know, I know, but, er, if there's no funds in young Sidney's coffers or if Sidney has made the schoolboy error of giving me...

...the wrong number... then you need to understand how dreadfully upset that is gonna make me.

Hey, that's the kind of guy that I am.

You f*cking bastards! I'll get you!

You bastards! You bastards!

You tolling on our sis!!

Waste him!

(Jal) No!

It's not him. He's helping me, you twats!

God, they smashed my clarinet.

What?

Them!

We go and get them good, sis!

Oh, God, they smashed my clarinet.

Donald's not your brother, right?

No.

Just checking.

(Woman) 'Really, are you all right? '

I'm sorry, Claire. I should never have been carrying it.

'Don't even think about that, as long as you are all right.'

Yeah.

'Just stop b*ating yourself up, OK? '

Yeah.

'I'll sort it in the morning.'

So you'll ring them?

'Yes, I'll ring them tomorrow.'

OK.

'Right. Get some rest.'

Thanks.

Look don't worry about it, Jal.

I'll phone you later. We'll work something out, OK?

'AII right. Thanks, Claire.'

All right, bye.

Poor girl.

It wasn't insured.

Can't you get her another?

We'll try, but it's not just any clarinet. It cost thousands.

Oh, dear.

But later, yeah?

Yeah. Later.

Yeah. I'll make some phone calls. Maybe we can borrow one and...

Ah, holy sh*t!

Take me you f*cking Welsh stud monkey!

We caught those blood claat scum easy, man. Easy.

We going to jack them. Real chief 'em up.

And that's when they go all Hong Kong Phooey.

They waste us.

Waste us, man.

With sticks!

Make us look like chi chi men and ting.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean you to do that.

Ah, it's nothing, sis.

Nothing at all.

Got couple of licks on them still.

Thank you.

Is there anything I can do?

I'd like a lips from Michelle.

Huh?

He wants a kiss.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Please. Please.

PHONE RINGS Hey, boy.

How you feeling?

Yeah.

I know you took a b*ating.

Your sister's grateful.

I know it.

You did good.

Yeah. I'll come down again in an hour.

I love you, too. I love you all.

Even that 'tupid white boy.

I'm inspired, I'm offline A renegade, disturbing the peace while I'm spitting the serenade All this tension, miscomprehension I'm informed and on the level that I might mention That when I scream it's just passion I ain't angry at culture I ain't angry at fashion And I might sound spiteful if I feel sh*t's epidemic I admit that some is soul but some is academic I been doing this forever So why you choosing now?

Turning your face away is a punch in the gut, pow So, swing a rhyme of time Like the dove, sing of love and keep your peace Cos I got kin I got skin to think of.

Why you listening to me, girl?

Don't you talk to me through glass!

Nobody's supposed to come in here. This is my...

Why don't you ask me how I am, Dad?

I got b*at on.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault I look like her.

She's gone. Deal with it. We have.

Ah, girl...

You're wasting it.

Wasting what you've got.

Don't blame me.

Don't be coming in my places, girl.

Your room is a tip. Tidy it!

What?

Tidy it.

OK?

Slow through the adagio. Slow.

Or I'll paddle your...

BUZZER
...f*cking ass.

(Man) 'Standby. They're ready for you on stage.'

APPLAUSE ORCHESTRA STARTS UP Woah!

Watch what you're f*cking doing, pal.

Get in, man.

What?

Get in.

Get your f*cking hands off!

Oi!

Watch my f*cking gear! Get off!

ORCHESTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY