1x04 - Chris

[bunniefuu]

ALARM CLOCK BUZZES

(TV) 'Move those hips!

'And swivel and loose.

'And swivel and loose.

'Reach and stretch.'

Ay up!

'Reach and up.

'And up... '

CHRIS COUGHS

'Let's see those buttocks clench!

'Are you feeling it? Good!

'Now relax.

'Feel the sweat.

'Enjoy it.

'Now, onto the pelvis.

'Stand with your feet firmly apart.'

f*cking Viagra.

Mum?

How much is there?

One thousand smackers.

I'd put it in premium bonds.

See, it's low risk, with a steady return. And it's tax free.

You sure you didn't just forget?

Forget what?

She said she's going on holiday, you said "Yeah", dropped a few pills and forgot about it?

I dunno. It says she's gone for a few days.

Is it true?!

Our money, babe! Our money! Yes!

That's f*cking great, Anwar.

(Tony) Cheer up, you fucker.

You're home alone and you've got an important question to answer.

How you gonna spend this money?

SCREAMS

Don't you ever, don't you ever Stop being dandy Showing me you're handsome Don't you ever, don't you ever Stop being dandy Showing me you're handsome Prince Charming, Prince Charming Ridicule is nothing to be scared of Don't you ever, don't you ever Lower yourself Forgetting all your standards

CHEERING AND WHISTLING He's had an erection for 15 hours?

Doesn't even know how many Viagras he popped.

He's holding it down with Sellotape.

Sellotape?

Yeah. I don't know how.

But he's Sellotaped it to his belly, or his balls...

I don't know, Sellotaped it to something.

All right?

So it hasn't held then.

Must be the sweat.

See, I reckon life's about living in the moment, you know... finding, you know, happiness, pleasure.

You know?

Whoa. Steady.

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm in love with someone else.

But why should I love you?

We don't know each other at all...

And I've got this physical need thing, and I was hoping... maybe you have too.

SHE RETCHES You look for the gummy bits, yeah, through the paper.

Lick it.

And then...

Bruv, what papers are you using?

Cos I heard TCI Whites...

No. No, man. They're satisfying, yeah, but the density's off, and there's too much cellulose.

I thought - maybe I'm wrong - we should get to know each other first.

I'II...

...call you tomorrow.

What's your...

What's your number?

Sid.

THUD Chris, this feels like speed dating for druggies.

I don't know no-one here, man.

Yeah, man, I know. I'd say I know maybe about 20% of the people here, that's why it's so good.

Actually, man, maybe more like 10%.

I see you invited your psychology teacher to aid this interaction?

Angie's here?

Yeah.

I could shift a few ounces of this stuff.

If you've got a decent supplier.

Chris... I'm sorry. Chris?

SONG STOPS You all right? Do you want to dance?

No, I, um... Are there any other teachers here?

I dunno. Yeah, maybe.

It depends if they knew about it, and if they wanted to come.

Or if...

No, I only invited you.

This was a bad idea. I didn't think it through.

I just wanted you to come.

Chris...

I think, right, that dancing is, like, the best thing in the world.

Yeah? Because it makes you healthy, in your body, but it also, it makes your head better too, so...

I just... Will you stay and...

...dance or just...

Please.

OK.

Yeah?

Yeah.

This was the place where you let me love you first We danced to Van Morrison And shut out the world I know that it...

Ahh.

I... I can't do this.

What? Why?

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Angie, Angie, look, look, it's not like that, all right?

I dropped a couple of them Viagra by mistake and it's been like that all day.

It's been like a second leg, f*cking third leg.

It's... It's just Viagra!

(Man) You see? That's Viagra for you.

More trouble than it's worth.

Speak for yourself, Casa-never.

...Now that you're gone It's just the...

And me.

MUFFLED MUSIC AND SHOUTING I think she's a f*cking nut leaving a grand on her sideboard.

I liked her. She smiled too much and everything but she was all right.

I swear Chris gives these bastards speed.

They move faster than normal fish do.

Besides, I don't know what it would be like having a son like Chris.

Ugh.

He's all right. He can be well sweet sometimes.

Mmm.

Tony?

Yeah, yeah, just a minute.

HE TAPS You know what I like about your body?

No.

One boob's bigger than the other.

Oh. f*ck.

Hi, Sid.

Sorry. I was just, uh, looking for a T-shirt.

It's just Chris said I could borrow a... f*ck.

Sorry, it's just someone puked on me, I just need a T-shirt.

I'll choose you one.

I'll wait outside. Sorry. f*ck, sorry.

Sid.

What do you think of my tits?

Huh?

Um...

Is one bigger than the other?

What? I don't...

What would you prefer?

I don't... I think there's something wrong with my eyes.

Blurring, or...

I could have an infection or something.

You'll look good in this.

Thanks. Sorry.

They're, um, nice, Michelle.

Sorry.

That was brilliant.

f*ck off!

You know what, Tony? Your eyes are supposed to f*cking blur too.

Sid's face, though.

ENGINE WHINES You OK, Chris?

Um. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All the others asleep?

Yeah.

I don't really sleep well in other people's houses.

Do you want me to walk you home?

It's miles. But thanks.

Right.

Yeah. How did that, um, music competition thing go, by the way?

Did you win?

No.

Still, finalist, though - that's got to be all right, ain't it?

What did the winner get?

Oh, he signed an international recording contract.

Cool. What did you get?

I got £25 to cover my travel.

Wankers.

Chris, where's your mum?

Dunno, mate.

SNORING I mean, what was I supposed to say?

"Yeah, I like your tits.

"They seem very nice, symmetrical."

What's the right word, even?

Nice is OK.

Do you think she'll be upset?

Do you think she'll be angry with me?

I just, you know, just...

Your stiffy's digging into my back.

Oh. Sorry.

Sid.

Yeah.

You know there are other girls, don't you?

Where?

So you don't think she'll be angry with me?

Safe.

110, 115, 120.

Um, it's all right, mate, I've got change.

COINS JANGLE

121, 22.

23, 23.50.

24.

Six, eight.

Seven, eight, nine, ten. 24.20.

How much do I still owe you, mate?

14 quid.

OK, um, my mum keeps money upstairs.

I'll just go get it. Wait there, one minute.

(Tony) What have you been doing, man?

(Sid) Nothing.

(Tony) You stink of sick.

(Sid) Yeah, but not, like, badly.

(Tony) If Chris's house didn't out-stink you, yeah, people would actually be walking away from you.

Well, I'll just borrow some deodorant.

Hey up.

You all right, Chris?

Yeah.

What were you doing in the wardrobe?

I was just, um, checking what stuff my mum took with her.

What did she take?

Oh, yeah. Everything.

Do you think she's gone, mate?

Hey, my knob's gone down, though.

That's good.

It isn't blue or anything?

Um, no, it's a bit red, like, but, no, it's not bad. Not bad.

It looks bigger to me. Probably did it some good.

Yeah. Yeah. You might be right, actually. Yeah.

Hey, seven years bad luck, that there, mate, the mirror.

(TV) 'And breathe in deep. Deep.

'And stretch and bend 'and stretch and reach.

'And reach to the right.

'Left, and bend.'

I think she's quite sexy.

I've always wanted to f*ck an older woman.

It's the hips...

...just above the knickers.

It's the way the skin bunches, you know.

I mean, look at her, very nice hips.

Where's Chris?

Right here.

This man won't let us start the pizzas till you pay him.

OK. Anyone got any cash?

You've got a grand!

Nah, man. I've got a nice hi-fi, about 4,000 beer cans, and then a few of these empty wraps. What?

Listen, yeah, right, OK...
£1,000 ain't even that much money these days, really, you know, when you think about it. So...

Look, man, all right, I bought it yesterday, yeah, and I remember you, because you've got a very good face for memorising.

I bought it from you, and you were chuffed to sell it.

There's a Pop Tart in the CD drawer.

Clean it. I'll pay for that bit.

So, you know, sell it on.

We can't sell it on.

Yeah, so if you clean it?

We're not going to clean it.

I will and bring it back tomorrow.

It's soiled, it's unsellable.

Whatever you do to it now, we can't take it back.

I'll clean it, bring it back tomorrow and give it to one of the other people.

No, you won't. I will have told them not to take it back, because you've wrecked it.

I kept the receipt.

Receipts don't cover Pop Tarts.

I'll tell you how to get rid of your zits.

Oh...

How?

Right.

Piss on toilet paper and wipe your face. Works better than Clearasil.

Tried it.

Thank you for calling at Smithson Electrics.

Anything else I can help you with?

Er, no, er, just...

Chris...

Chris, wait up, mate, please.

Stop being a f*cking p*ssy.

No.

What?

No.

You know, it says "we buy anything" just there, so maybe you could buy this.

Get out of my shop! Get out of my shop!

All right, Chris?

Hey up.

Che! Che!

Loves watching me sh*t.

What can I do you for?

How did you get on with that Lithuanian E?

I got some square pills from Albania in.

Retro Eastern Blocs, they're calling them.

Nah, um, I'm selling, actually.

Fancy a hi-fi?

Nah. Can't shift it, mate.

How about a wheelbarrow?

Oh, aye, I always need another wheelbarrow.

£20 the lot.

Done. Cheers.

How d'you want it? Powder, pills or cash?

Cash.

10, 15, 20.

Job done.

f*ck it, let's have a look at these pills.

sh*t.

f*ck's sake!

See ya later, mate.

f*cking hell, man. You woke me up.

Who are you?

Who the f*ck are you? I'm sleeping!

This is my house!

So?

Get off me, man!

Get off me! Ow!

Yeah!

Don't know what you're f*cking doing, thinking you can...

Leave it, man!

What the f*ck?

Hey, buddy, hello?

You all right, me babba? That was some ride.

Look, I think you should go.

No, not up the f*cking stairs, what you doing, man? Come on.

Let's create harmony. I was only sleeping in your bath.

I've never met you, all right.

You've met me now.

Yes, but it's my house!

All right, so just f*ck off!

Cheers, then.

Right, now let me back in.

You're a very hostile bloke.

Let! Me! Back! In!

You're a very aggressive young man. I think you've got issues.

Big issues.

Ah, f*ck!

You need to take a chill pill, mate. You need to chill out.

Let me back in.

Listen, take a while. Calm down.

Maybe take a day or two, and then we'll talk about it.

It's my f*cking house!

I don't make the rules, man. I don't make the rules.

So, um, what are you going to do?

Yeah.

There's only one thing you can't do, Chris, and that's stay like you are.

You got no money, basically no house, you can't just...

Look, I've f*cked up, I know. I f*cked up.

No, you haven't.

You just...

Angie, do you reckon we...

Hey, Chris, trousers! How good are we?

Don't tell him.

(Tony) Everyone's talking about some naked guy who just walked through school.

(Sid) People are trying to work out whether you've made a political statement.

This top any good?

I think you'll like it.

I didn't think anyone would notice.

Yeah. Maybe a few did.

Pull yourself together. Christ, you need a mum, you big baby.

Tony!

f*cking hell, he's not pathetic. You can take a joke, can't you?

Look, you try it, OK? No Mum, no Dad, on your own.

Sounds brilliant to me.

I've got... I've got a Dad.

RINGS BELL There's no-one in.

You'll be fine, Chris, OK?

Chris?

Chris! What a...

What a lovely surprise!

Look, we weren't planning on...

Hi, I'm Jal.

Jal, I'm Mary.

Won't you come in?

Your dad'll be back soon. But I can give him a ring anyway, shall I?

What, he's not here? We could come back ano...

Wonderful!

Wonderful.

BABY CRIES Aaah!

And this is little Sammy.

Do you want to come and say hello, Chris?

Er, no, I'II, um, leave him to sleep.

Well...

TO Y SQUEAKS Ooh!

How's your mum, Chris?

Actually, that's the reason...

Yeah, she's getting better.

Oh, no!

She hasn't had another turn?

Um, no. Not really. She's fine.

Good. Well, send her my best.

Why don't we look for some baby photos of Chris? That could be fun.

Graham labels them by year.

I'm trying to encourage him to label by mood, but...

You won't find any of me.

Worried we might find something embarrassing?

Ooh...

Ah, bingo!

Look, he's even sweeter than Sammy.

I don't think I'm supposed to say that as a mum, but you are!

Have a look at him!

You do look quite cute.

That's not me.

It is.

No, it's not. It's Peter.

Oh.

Well, we can still say he looks sweet, can't we?

Who's Peter?

Um, he's my brother.

Your brother?

DOOR OPENS Graham!

You'll never guess who's here!

It's Chris! Isn't that great!

(Man) I need a shower. I'm going for a shower.

(Woman) I've just had to sit with him for the last half hour!

(Man) Well, get rid of him.

(Woman) Don't do this to me, Graham, he's your son.

(Man) Can't help that. He's a f*ck-up, just like his mum.

I don't want him here, OK? I'm taking a shower.

TO Y SQUEAKS BABY CRIES BABY WAILS Everything's fine, he's just got a couple of calls to make.

He's calmed down. You look nice together, Chris.

Just wants to suckle on something, probably.

Give me your finger.

BABY GRIZZLES BABY QUIETENS THUMP!

BABY CRIES Come on, Sammy. Come on.

Listen. His mum has...

Does he want money?

No. He doesn't.

Chris!

You OK?

HE FLICKS LIGHTER I could never do them knots at Cubs, you know, and they said, "Ah, he's not got the fingers for it," or whatever.

But look what my f*cking fingers can do now, eh?

Hey, do you... do you wanna hear about the best day of my life?

Cubs.

I'd pissed myself by accident.

They'd had us sitting down for ages and, um, I was trying... trying to get out like to leave the room but this kid kept blocking me, stopping me leaving, he was playing a game or something and, um...

So I told him, right, that he was a dickhead, and that he's gonna get out of my way, dickhead...

...and then the whole place went quiet cos I'd said "dickhead".

And then they was all laughing, everyone, and I couldn't work out if it was cos I'd swore or if they'd seen that my shorts were wet, so I tried to cover my shorts with my hands, right, but that meant they all definitely noticed and then there was more laughing.

But, yeah, Peter, my brother, he was, um, he was youngest-ever sixer or something.

They're the ones in charge, sixers.

Dib-dib-dib.

He could do all the knots, him.

Him and Dad would practise.

He loved it.

Anyway, he stands up, yeah, sixer, and, um, and they all liked him, and, um, he takes my hand, and took me to the toilet.

And then he had me take my shorts off, and then he cleaned me up.

And then he took off his shorts and put them on me.

And then... he kissed me on the cheek, and took my hand, and we both went out there.

Him just in his pants.

No-one laughed.

Best day of my life.

Look, don't, um, don't tell the others, yeah, about...

No, I won't.

Do you know what you're gonna do?

What, me?

No, I...

You think your mum's gonna come back?

Not if she's still around.

- How do you know?

She left flowers by the grave again.

Every time you see a nipple, a butt cr*ck or a camel toe, you have to drink one sh*t down in one, OK?

What's a camel toe?

Tony?

It's when it bunches around the...

...cr*ck.

It's a minge thing.

Oh. Nice.

You got slow play on this thing, Michelle?

What? Slow play?

There!

Where?

A nipple, I saw a nipple.

Concealed or free?

If concealed counts we're gonna be drinking a lot.

It can be concealed and visible. Just ask Jal.

What?

When you're wearing that red top.

Will someone rewind the tape, so we can all see the nipple and drink, please?

Where's the controls?

Sid.

Oh, sorry, just gotta...

You better not be going for a wank.

Where's the f*cking controls?

Gimme the remote.

I think we should go on a date.

What, us?

We don't have to have...

OK.

Er... yeah.

That was a nipple!

You know what? I don't f*cking care.

There was a teacher in here last. He might not have collected all his things.

If you find anything, just put them in the corner, OK?

Yeah.

I... They told me to tell you that although this isn't a classroom or anything, this is still college property.

So if you do any damage or...

Well, it will...

They could kick you out of school.

OK.

I'm sorry, it's just... They said to say.

No, it's OK, I don't mind.

I...

Your friends said you like fish.

And I wanted to give you a room-warming.

That for me?

They didn't have any bowls left in the store.

I just wanted to give you something.

Wish you luck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I should go.

OK. Sorry.

Right.

Bye.