2x05 - Chris

[bunniefuu]

CLICKING

Let me see, Chris. Chris Miles?

Ah, just a minute...

Ah, good.

Chris. In life, we're all walking down a path.

And when that path lacks direction, that's when people get lost.

And we don't like lost people, because no-one should get left behind. Are you following me?

I'm a bit lost.

So glad we agree.

I'm afraid you can't take your exams here.

Are you saying I'm being expelled?

I prefer the term "no longer permanently affiliated".

Why?

It's less discouraging.

No. Why am I being kicked out?

Let's take a look, shall we?

The nurse's office.

Three days ago.

I had a headache.

Are you peeing on the science block?

Nope.

That's my desk.

That's not even me.

Ah, this is invasion of privacy!

I'll cut to the chase.

We've no coursework from you and the exams are about to start. You're a sh*t student.

Your inevitably sh*t results will affect my averages, and then I'll be swimming in a river of sh*t and I didn't pack a snorkel.

We'll send you a letter saying when you have to leave your student flat.

Look, this isn't right... just...

Wah-wah!

Welcome to the real world.

(Jal) Chris?

Chris!

Come on, Chris.

Wanna hear a joke? What do you call nacho cheese?

Oh, sh*t. I got that wrong.

Shelley.

How does that nacho cheese joke go?

Right...

LAUGHS Right. Ok. Bye!

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese?

Have you heard it before?

I've got nothing, absolutely nothing.

It's not all that bad.

I've been kicked out of college, I'm homeless and I'm never going to see Angie ever again.

Oh, dry your eyes, Princess.

Huh?

Maybe you should stop being such a p*ssy and get off your arse and go do something about it.

Oh, f*ck it.

Right. Saying "f*ck it" works for you, then?

Not really.

Then maybe you should, you know, try.

I do try!

Don't I?

No!

That's all you ever say no.

No way! - Ah-ha! See? There you go.

Always saying no. No to pills, to parties... to me putting my hand on your gooch.

Ok. Ok. So let's make a deal.

I'll start saying "yes", and you stop saying "f*ck it".

I'm gonna have to have that in writing, I'm afraid. Use your pen.

Who says I've got a pen?

Jal... will you buy me a falafel?

Yes.

Bollocks.

So, Derek, let's see what we've got left.

Slough Metropolitan University, Abergavenny Tech, Cambridge Ringroad University...

FARTS FARTS AGAIN Come in!

Bad time?

Derek needs to go away, have a nice sit down and consider his UCAS options.

FARTS Right, I've been to the Job Centre, yeah...

And they're a bit... well, they're all just fu...

Fuddy-duddies.

Yeah! They are fuddy-duddies.

Right. They're like, "Just queue up here, fill in this box here, "don't steal that." It's a load of cra...

Cranberry juice! Do you want cranberry juice?

Thanks.

Erm...

Anyway, yeah, there's one lady there, I've never met such a big fat bi...

Biscuit! Do you want a biscuit?

How can I help?

Well, I was thinking.

Seeing as you're a careers officer...

I thought you could... you know... help me get a job.

Oh! Yeah! Totally!

Yeah? f*cking ace!

Chris! Swearing.

Oh...

Let's get you a job!

What happened, Chris?

There's loads of these Chinese lads flipping burgers there.

Me and Han Li were having a spliff break, and then Paul, the shift manager, comes along.

And she said, "You can't do that."

Why not? It's pucking hard getting people to talk to you.

I mean child abuse, it's a bit depressing. So my theory was, reel them in with the free p*rn, then get to the serious stuff.

So I said, "Why can't people bring their own glasses to the bar?"

No wonder this country's turning obese.

But Morris said that was the job, and if I didn't like it, I could puck off.

So I told him he was a pitty boss and a pastard and he could pucking shove his pub polo up his pap's-eye, stupid prick.

I think one slipped through there, Chris.

Stupid punt.

What are you going to do?

Do you remember them colouring-in books when you were little, Jose?

I hated them.

If I'm gonna do a picture of a house, I don't want someone else telling me what it should look like, know what I mean?

(Boy) I hate this conformist, repressive society and its stupid culture of conformity, right.

You know, everybody listens to the same plastic music and does the same plastic job, and dresses the same plastic way.

I know, man. I know. Totally.

I mean, you're cool because you've got dr*gs.

But most people just haven't got a clue how they come across.

MURMUR OF AGREEMENT Yeah, man. Yeah, that's right.

Look at this guy. He is so mainstream.

I mean, nobody thinks for themselves any more.

MURMUR OF AGREEMENT Individuality is dead.

MURMUR OF AGREEMENT Originality is a dirty word.

I mean, the only original thing left to do is get totally f*cking wasted.

Like us.

Go for it, man.

What are you doing?

Shotguns! You gotta try this.

What's up with your hair?

Why? Don't you like it?

No. No, no, no. It's fine. Really.

Right. Enough bollocks.

Time to get drunk.

Your turn.

Come on, let's party. Man like me don't even like beer but I'm brap-brap-brapping this all day, blood.

Brap brap brap.

Ok. Yes.

Brap brap brap!

f*ck off!

Try again.

No!

What was that? No?

I don't have to say yes to everything.

Um, I think you do.

One, two, three, four...

(Anwar) Yo, that guy's hat is nang!

His hat game is strong.

♪ ... Wallet, keys, phone Try to protect me
♪ Not feeling this...
Why don't you go get his hat for An?

What?

Go get his hat. Go on.

♪ I'm out of breath...
Easy peasy.

♪ Cos... it's not the same since I've grown up
♪ I'm seeing the dark side of this seaside town
♪ This B-side town
♪ Time for for me to leave
♪ I'm sick of it, sick of it
♪ Absolutely sick of it
♪ Soaked, I'm cold and I'm feeling like a piece of sh*t
♪ Oh, you don't care...
CHEERING What?

Oh, my God! It's Cassie!

♪ Gently, gently Please don't tempt me
♪ Got my wallet, keys, phone Try to protect me
♪ Not feelin' this
♪ Leggin' it, leggin' it, absolutely peggin' it
♪ Taking the back streets...
So what happened in Scotland? Did you eat loads of deep-fried sh*t?

(Maxxie) Did you get me a kilt?

Not an actual deep-fried sh*t. But, you know.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

So how was it?

Oh, it was just... life.

But I want to hear all your gossip.

When did you two first get together, by the way?

By his hospital bed?

Huh?

Don't you know?

Lovely Sid and lovely Michelle are f*cking.

We're not... Not in the way you're thinking, anyway.

Don't lie, Sid.

I know your dad's dead, but you can't just go around doing whatever you want.

What's going on?

Cassie just said that Sid and Michelle are doing it.

But Tony didn't know. And neither did I.

Or Chris. Or Maxxie. Or you. Probably.

But, hey. Hey, Cassie's back! Woo!

(Sid) Tone...

Listen, Jal...

Why didn't you tell me?

It's awkward.

If you can't talk to your best mate about it, then... maybe it's not awkward but completely f*cking sh*t.

Do you want to get out of here?

It's beautiful here.

That was mental, what you did tonight.

Brilliant mental.

Yeses are good.

Yeah. Yeses are good.

Yes.

Yes.

Don't forget your side.

Oh, I haven't. I made 50 quid off that powder tonight so, er, life's looking up.

Where you going?

That's cheating. I hate cheats, Chris. My dad's a cheat.

What you doing?

Play the game, Chris.

I am.

FARTS TOILET FLUSHES There was a note on your door.

What'd it say?

You've got to leave today.

sh*t. Better pack my stuff up, then.

PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES Is that it?

Where are you staying?

Oh, you know.

Nowhere.

It's fine.

See you round, Cass.

Your CV is... unusual.

We don't get many written on cigarette packets.

I like to recycle.

By a few of your GCSE subjects, you've put a question mark.

I wasn't sure if they counted.

Why not?

I achieved fail grades.

I see.

So, I'm looking for a trainee.

Somebody good with people, a talker.

Well, I'm...

I'm a talker. I mean, I've been talking for...

Well, I don't know how long exactly, but years.

And I know loads of words as well.

Like apivorous, for example.

What's that?

Someone who eat bees.

Ok. Er... a little test.

Sell me this cup of tea.

Um...

Right. Ok. Tea. It's...

sh*t. Er...

Right...

Would you like to buy this mug of tea?

No, thanks.

That's an interesting tie, can I? Do you mind if I have a little?

Ahh! Ahh!

Sure I can't offer you that tea?

Here!

Right. Fair enough. Just a teeny note.

That won't work with houses, ok?

Yeah, ok.

Everyone, this is Chris, the new trainee.

Dave, Sarah, Dominic.

I'll have the papers sent straight over. Bye-bye.

G-o-o-o-o-o...

... o-o-o-o-o!

Brazil cara-a-a ha-a!

Yabba doo-doo.

Mmm-mm-mm.

And Jon.

The sales table.

I'll let you get your bearings.

So what do you get if you win, then? A pack of chocolate buttons?

Don't be stupid.

You get a balloon.

Looks like you're not doing too well there, mate.

Yeah, well, first day.

Pah! That's what they all say.

Chris, is it?

Yeah.

Let me give you a bit of advice, Chris.

I'm the Sir Alec round here, yeah?

Even if you signed Rooney, Ronaldo, Wright-Philips, Adebayor, you wouldn't have the balls to get above me.

I wouldn't sell you Rooney or Ronaldo, anyway.

Or Wright-Philips.

Or Adebayor. Yeah?

Not really that into football, so...

Hah! Poof!

Mrs Smith? Hi there.

Yes, looking good for you.

So as I was saying earlier, the kitchen is a real deal maker.

(Man) Wow.

If I could afford a kitchen like this, my wife would never have left me.

And in here particularly, we've got huge amounts of LSD.

It's not what you're thinking, madam.

Light, space and drawers.

If you're still humming and hawing, let me tell you a little secret.

The owners'll accept 20 below the asking. Have we got a deal?

I think we do.

Thanks.

Ok, this next place has been on the market for about a year.

It's spatially challenged so it's a little tricky to rent.

Ball's in your court. Don't worry, it just needs the right patter.

Just, er, wait till you see the kitchen.

It's a real deal maker.

If I could afford a place like this, my wife might never have left me!

Oh.

Sorry. Watch your, er... yeah.

Yeah, watch your feet.

So this place is great for doing LSD.

No, no.

Light.

ELECTRIC CRACKLING Space.

And drawers.

Garden.

Er, tell you a secret?

What do you think? Look, we've got electric lights.

On and off. We've got luxury radiators.

Er... we've got, like, four plug sockets!

I mean, imagine, who'd need that many? Like, Puff Daddy or someone.

Well, la-di-da.

I mean, sure, it needs some stuff.

But structurally, it's...

BANGING FROM UPSTAIRS

(Man) Right, you dozy mare. Get your f*cking knickers off!

WOMAN GIGGLES DOOR SLAMS So... you've got a job and a flat in one day.

Yes, I did.

I think that's playing the game.

Yes, it is.

I think you deserve a reward.

No?

That word's banned.

Reward me.

JAL GASPS

(Chris) What? Oh.

Oh. Wow.

Thanks for letting me stay, Chris.

That's ok.

Just for a bit, yeah?

Yeah.

FOOTSTEPS, DOG GROWLS MAN URINATES, SIGHS Oh, Jal. Have I shown you the bedroom?

We're gonna have some mad fun in here, eh, Jal?

DOG GROWLS Yeah. We will.

Yeah, there's gonna be pills, and pucking and pillows.

Lots of pillows...

Chris and Jal.

Jal and Chris.

More couples.

More and more couples.

Have you ever been in love?

I don't think so.

Do you want me to describe it to you?

Ok.

Do you remember when you rode with me in the ambulance after I tried to k*ll myself?

Of course.

That's what love feels like.

We can arrange that, Mrs Collins. HE MOUTHS Yeah... may I say I'll be sorry not to be speaking to you every day?

That's right. Yeah.

Yeah, sure, sure.

I'll call your solicitor first thing in the morning about completion.

Can I have a word?

That's right. Oh, that's marvellous.

Many thanks. Bye-bye.

G-o-o-o-o...

It's just you've... you've not sold anything yet.

You've been here a while now and...

No, no, I understand.

If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know.

A muzzle, maybe?

(Jon) Yay-yay-yay-yay!

He does sell properties, son.

JON CONTINUES BABBLING Kappa-ta, kappa-ta, kappa-ta!

Brazil cara-a-a!

Yay-yay-yah!

MAN URINATES, SIGHS FARTING TOILET FLUSHES, DOG GROWLS

(Man) f*ck off out of here, you little prick.

Thanks for the duvet cover.

That's ok.

You know when you were little, did you ever use to unbutton the covers and get inside?

When you were young, did you ever read The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

It's a classic.

It's about this caterpillar, yeah, and he eats a load of stuff, and then he gets in a cocoon and becomes a butterfly.

And after my brother d*ed, whenever my parents were just... you know, I'd get inside my duvet and I'd just read it over and over.

And it made me think that... when I came out, I didn't want to be different.

I just wanted what was outside to be different.

And was it ever?

No.

I'm gonna get sacked, Jal.

The boss knows I'm a f*ck-up.

Do you remember what you wanted the house to look like when you came out the duvet?

Maybe you can sell that.

You're not a f*ck-up, Chris.

CASSIE GIGGLES Anybody got any poppers?

So this is the window leading from the... windowy room, into the... sofa-ry room.

(Woman) This is so lovely.

But it's... just out of our budget.

I'm not sure we can pay the asking.

The owner won't budge, I'm afraid.

Then it looks like we're wasting your time. I'm sorry.

Sorry, can I just?

Money.

It's just bits of paper, or numbers on a screen, innit, really?

But these walls, they exist.

If you can imagine memories happening in them, then that's real.

I just... I want you to imagine dying.

Right, I know it sounds weird but just...

Right, you're really old, and you're in your bed and you're remembering your life.

Right... your daughter's first birthday.

Shagging on a Sunday afternoon.

Skinning up in the garden... with the kids.

Right, when you do that, is this the house that you see in all those memories?

Cos if it is, then a few bits of paper here or there don't really seem to matter.

You're right.

Really?

We'll take it.

Brilliant. Right, let's get back to the office, then.

So what line of work are you in?

We're erotic art dealers.

Nice one.

♪ When you go on this race
♪ You know you go, you go it long
♪ Go it long
♪ When you come in, you trust his face
♪ You know you're never wrong, never wrong...
No, I'm good. The job's great, Jal's beautiful, and I've got a flat.

Did you get my present?

I never take it off.

I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done for me.

Oh, Chris. I just gave you the crayons. You drew the house.

I'll call you back.

This is the office.

This is the office div.

Let me get you some details.

You must really like your lunch.

Maybe you could find me a flat.

Oh!

Hello.

It's nice.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Good location, ceilings, walls, floors.

No, I mean it's nice to see you again.

You look really good in a tie.

I'll take it.

Ok...

The flat.

Right!

Right, good. Good.

"She just kept on staring at me, just like she always did."

It's not like anything happened, it's just...

"Chris, listen..."

Seeing her, it's confusing.

'Right now's not a very good time.'

Angie makes my pollocks tighten, you know?

"After all this time, I still wanna..."

Chris, I've gotta go. Sorry.

Bye. Bye.

I'm really sorry you had to hear that.

Oh, don't worry. It's totally cool.

Ok. So, how can we help you down your careers path?

I'm thinking of leaving school, growing a beard and joining the circus.

Eye of newt, toe of frog.

Wing of bat...

... and tongue of dog.

Cass... what is this?

Punch for the housewarming party.

What party?

Housewarming party.

Bye, Tom!

It's Tim.

What are you doing to yourself, Cassie?

Throwing myself to the wind.

Do you mind not throwing Chris, too?

Oh... wow.

But... f*ck you.

Do you think I'm jealous?

Jealous of you and your boyfriend and his ex who he's going to f*ck because she makes his pollocks tighten?

What?

Angie's back.

He's seen her.

I've had my pain, Jal.

Yours is in the post.

HUBBUB

(Woman) What are you doing?

Chris! You've been missing all the fun.

Yeah, what's going on? Who are all these people?

We're having a housewarming party.

Where's Jal?

She's gone, Chris.

Where?

No. She's gone, Chris.

That's people.

We arrive, consume what we can and then leave. Like locust.

Oi! f*ck off!

What you doing here?

I came with Anwar. He's gone to get me some punch.

When are you going to stop playing these games, Sketch?

Green doesn't suit you, Maxxie.

Sorry it took so long. Tastes a bit funky, too.

Yo, blood.

What?

What is it, dude?

Have you seen yourself?

He looks proper lush.

Shut it, you!

You're f*cking da-humped.

I was passing.

Ange.

Having a party? Where's your girlfriend?

She's eating locusts. Or something.

Right.

Want to explore?

SHE PANTS No.

Chris?

I don't mind about her.

It's not the same, is it?

KNOCK AT DOOR

(Jal) Chris, are you in there?

Chris, it's me.

I know you wouldn't do it, ok? Chris...

Chris?

Jal!

Where you been?

Your shirt's inside out.

Jal...

Oh, it's, er...

Oh!

We seem to have a small problem with vermin.

Come through anyway.

Master bedroom.

Second bedroom.

"g*nshots"

I'm really sorry.

Not as sorry as I am.

Bye then.

Good luck, son.

I'm sorry I got you sacked.

Oh, it would have happened sooner or later.

Where's Jal?

I dunno, Cass.

That's my fault too.

No, it's not. That was mine.

Do you know what hurts the most about a broken heart?

Not being able to remember how you felt before.

Try and keep that feeling because, if it goes... you'll never get it back.

What happens then?

Then you lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

(Man) Well done.

Ok. Ok, ok...

Well done, well done. You were last, but well done.

Off you go, son. Go on, go on, don't panic.

Keep going. Come on. Good boy! Good boy.

Do you want some sandwich?

No, thanks.

Ok.

Tony. I've f*cked it all up.

Again.

sh*t, dude. Try getting hit by a bus.

That'll really put a dampener on your day.

Honestly, have some tuna sandwich.

It'll make you feel better.

Promise.

Bye, Tony.

See you next week, Anna.

Do you ever get depressed about... your accident?

Used to.

But who does it help?

I had everything I wanted. And lost it all.

Hurts like f*ck.

But, Chris...

I'm going to get it all back.

Piece by piece.

What else is there?

MAN MUTTERS f*ck it!

Hi. It's me. Leave a message.

'Hi, it's Angie. Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come.

'But I hope things work out for you.

'I'm going, but there's something I want you to have.'

DOORBELL Whose flat is this?

A friend of mine left town. I'll tell you later.

Thanks for coming.

Ok, so I've been thinking about why I always f*ck everything up for myself.

And this is the best way that I can explain.

This is how it started for me.

It was good.

Then things started going wrong.

Then someone else escaped.

The gravity holding us together was gone.

We were floating in space.

It's kinda easy when you've got nothing, because... nothing can't be taken away from you.

But I don't want nothing any more.

Is that it? Are you the only person in the world that's been let down?

The only one that's been hurt, abandoned.

Are you?

So what gives you the right to act like you are?

Jal... can't you forgive me?

No.

Jal. Don't you understand? I wanna...

Make a new f*cking pact that means nothing to you?

Yeah. Let's do that.

Let's build something. And we'll tear it down.

f*ck it. Come on... come on. Say it! Build something. Tear it down!

You're not who I thought you were.

You're an empty, poisonous smile.

Jal, what do you want me to say? I don't know what I'm meant to say.

Jal, look at me.

Look, I was perfectly happy k*lling myself.

Right, but then you asked me to try...

And for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a sh*t.

And that person was worth trying for. And now I'd...

I'd f*cking make the world record biggest sandwich if you asked me to.

I'd kick old grannies in the tits. I'd fill the rivers with Panda Pops.

Stop.

I f*cked up big time.

I'm more than sorry.

I love you, Jal.

You're my whole world.

Now you've got snot on your face.

I'm going to the Job Centre.

Wait for me?

Go-o-o-o-o-o... !

Spaghetti Bolognese, Italia '90!

"Yah-yah-yah! You come-a to me!"

♪ I got no reason to lie to you-ou
♪ Honey
♪ You got me but you still got me wrong
♪ Because it's all for you-ou
♪ Honey
♪ Keep the grooves on
♪ I got no reason to lie to you-ou
♪ Honey
♪ You got me but you still got me wrong
♪ This time