06x18 - The Schooling

[bunniefuu]

I say we ditch school today.

They've already taught us the three key things we need to know

-

- How to do the grammaring of words good and how to count.

I don't know, man.

I feel like we still need math.

Like, say you've got $20, and you want to buy three $2 candy bars.

How much money do you give Larry?

All of it, and wait for change like everyone else does.

I say we don't just ditch school today, we straight

-up drop out.

Ah! Hmm.

Yeah, well, sorry, but Mewtwo's first law of physics

-

- What goes up, uh, stays in Vegas.

Isaac Newton would be spinning in his grave, but gravity won't let him.

Personally, guys, I think you should go to class.

Look at me.

Nothing good comes out of ditching school.

What are you talking about?

You spend all day doing small jobs with no expectations whatsoever! You're living the dream, Larry.

Given how little I sleep, that's more true than I wish it was.

Trust me, man.

School is way worse.

Last summer, we only had six weeks off instead of eight.

Then it was straight back to the everyday grind, the old 9

-to

-3.

Ugh.

Ugh.

What about college?

I hear it's pretty fun.

What's the point of college?

Sure, you discover yourself, but it turns out that yourself is someone with $100,000 of debt and a didgeridoo.

But what would you do for money?

Same thing that graduates do

-

- Take some job as a bag boy at the local supermarket or something.

Hmm, fair enough.

Hey, could you fill in for me while I take five?

My doctor says if I don't take a break at least once a year, my heart might stop from exhaustion.

Hey, go for it, man! Take longer if you want.

My doctor says if I take longer than five minutes, the drop in adrenaline could stop my heart.

Can I trust you with this?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, it looks really hard.

Let me fully shut down my brain.

Am I doing this right?

More gawping?

No stress.

We got you, dude.

Eh.

Okay, we just follow his timetable to the last letter.

Uh I think that's it.

Ah, there it is! So, what do we do?

What it said on the timetable.

Didn't you read it?

I didn't say I'd read it.

I said I'd follow it to the last letter.

R! Oh, good guess.

Can I finally get some service here?

I purchased this so

-called bottomless cup of soda not 10 minutes ago, and yet I was barely out of the door when I discovered this.

But there's nothing wrong with your cup.

Are you trying to deny my consumer right to make bogus complaints to get free stuff?

Of course not, sir.

Bottomless just means you can refill it as much as you like.

Oh, really?

Then I suggest you have a little chat with my friend Webster!! He's a dictionary salesman, got me a good discount on this one.

Aha! Bottomless, adjective

-

- Without a bottom.

I think this deserves a gesture of good will.

As you wish, sir.

Are you okay, ma'am?

I've lost my little Timmy.

Can you help me find him?

Oh, sure.

What does he look like?

He's 5'10", about 200 pounds, red hair, a moustache.

Okay, when was the last time you saw little Timmy?

You mean here in the store?

No, in New Jersey.

I'm sorry, madam, but

-

- Can you call him on the P.

A.

, please?

But how could he possibly

-

- Can you call him, please?

Uh, could little Timmy come to the counter, please?

You've got to sing his song if you want him to come.

But of course.

How does the song go?

Make me a cake and fill it with brisket The taste of your hands only sweetens the biscuit Mama's proud boy, his belly is swollen Slathered in butter until it turns golden I'm really sorry, madam, but I don't think little Timmy is going to

-

- Mama! Timmy! Oh! Okay, anything else we can do for you?

Yes, my baby is hungry.

I would like to purchase a cloth sack, a baseball bat, and a possum.

Of course, so just walk straight out of the mall, turn left, go to the police precinct, and ask the same question there.

They'll give you exactly what you need.

Thank you.

Here's a tip for your trouble.

Ew! Waiter! Yes, ma'am?

I would like to be moved closer to the window, please.

Sure.

Please change seats.

I said I would like to be movedcloser to the window.

A little closer, please.

I said closer.

Closer.

Is this close enough, ma'am?

I said

-

- The view is terrible.

Oh, my gosh, what the what is going on here?

This your first time dealing with a stick

-up?

Don't worry.

Everything will be fine.

Just follow the procedure.

Okay.

Okay.

What are you doing?

He's not robbing us.

We're the bank.

It's our job to rob him.

Oh, right, uh, okay.

Drop your mortgage in the bag! Please, I have children.

Good to know.

We'll come for them next.



- Yes, yes, yes.



- That's a pretty watch.

No, please, it belonged to my grandpa.

You want to try me?

I'll drop your credit score so low you won't even be able to get a loan at the library, punk! Well, at least I'm leaving with my dignity.

No, we'll have that, too.

Your pants

-

- Put them in the bag.

Ugh.

I feel dirtier than a rat who joined law enforcement but actually had family connections to the mob and was turning police evidence over to the gangsters.

You mean like a rat who was a rat.

Yeah, I guess that's a better way of saying it.

Boys, I am very disappointed in you.

You forgot to sell him a payday loan at 1,000% interest.

Disgusting.

This is unacceptable.

What seems to be the problem, sir?

This place is a scandal.

All of Mother Nature's creatures deserve to be free.

Run, my eight

-legged brothers! Aah! Go, you're free! Fly! Ah, ah, ah! Maybe these little guys will be more grateful.

Well, I hope that was worth it.

Yes, because they're all free.

No, they're not.

They were $12,000.

Do you have a return policy?

Yup.

You bring them to the store and get your money back.

Glad I didn't pay up front.

Fervidus Pizza, may I take your order?

Sure, one pepperoni coming up.

Are you sure this is the right address?

Good afternoon.

I'm on my way.

Can you hold up your hand, please?

Sure.

Uh, Darwin, raise your hand so she can see us.

No, your other hand, the one holding the pizza.

Thanks.

I'm a pilot, you see, but I hate airplane food.

Wait, what about the money?

I just dropped it off.



- Where?



- Somewhere over Reno.

Over and out.

So it turns out wearing a store uniform is the grown

-up version of having a sign on your back that says "kick me.

" Yeah, I think the sign would say something ruder than that.

Let us in! It's 9:00 a.

m.

! Dude, what's today's date?

Friday, November 24th.

The Black Friday sales! Sales! Sales! Sales! What's our motto, soldier?

Semper satisfy! Sir!! w*r is sales.

Okay, that's one full t*nk of gas.

Is there anything else, sir?

Yeah, I'd like the keys to your restroom, please.

"If no one answers, leave in safe place.

Go around the back, climb the ladder, cross the road, jimmy the window open, crawl in the room, and leave the package.

" Oh, can I have a signature, please?

Oh, right, okay.

Are you sure you're not taking this too far?

Your website says once you click you don't have to lift a finger again.

Now open the box and take out the nail clippers.

I ain't lifting a toe, either.

Ah! Uh?

! Like, how?

Hmm?

Huah! Hmm?

Gah! Oh, this one's not so hard.

Yeah, the robots do all the work.

Exactly, that's why we don't need you anymore.

Huh?

Uh, guys?

What the what, Larry?

! You

-

- You said you'd be gone for 5 minutes.

It was 5 minutes.

Are you kidding me?

! We had time to grow crow's feet.

Oh, you thought wrinkles were caused by aging! No, kids, it's from your face contorting from the pain of knowing you're selling the majority of your time on Earth for $7 an hour.

Larry, how do you do this day in, day out?

I find that the low

-level terror of not being able to pay my rent is a great motivator.

You see, if I had stayed at school, I'd have a well

-paid job, and then it wouldn't be so hard for me to buy the things everyone wants in life

-

- A cool car, a nice condo, a big TV, designer clothes, the latest phone, a second TV for the bedroom Ah, I see what you did there, Larry.

You got us to try your jobs to teach us a lesson.

Maybe, and what was the lesson?

That we should go to school because we need to learn more in order to find jobs that fulfill our souls so we don't have to waste our lives running after money in order to buy pointless stuff to fill the gaping holes of our existential dread like you do.

- Yes.

- Thanks, Larry.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

Good.