3x05 - Freddie

[bunniefuu]

Do you think she's going where we're going?

She is now I'm tired of you, mate.

Me, you and JJ. Best mates for life.

I'm Thomas. So glad to meet you.

They f*ck you up.

They don't mean to, Eff.

Please don't leave me.

But they do.

Pyjama party means only one thing: girls getting friendly.

Careful what you wish for, Pandora.

I missed you too much.

I think Cook's your friend. Isn't he?

Not necessarily.

Every day I know this is what I was born to do.

It's everything to me. And nothing else matters except...

This is for you, Mum...

Singing "Juicing Down", please welcome Karen McLair!

Let's see what the judges think...

Ladies, could you be happy with Karen in the Sexxbombz?

Yeah. It'd be lovely. I love her.

Jordan, did you get Karen tonight?

Karen. I'm going to be honest with you, okay?

We're in the semi-finals of this competition.

Everybody's talented. Yeah?

But the question is...

Are you talented enough to join the Sexxbombz?

How can you watch this again?

Shut up, cockhead...

You know what? You dance like a gazelle.

On acid.

I love it!

I love it! Yes!

Do you think I look hot?

Don't be f*cking twisted. You're my sister.

Dad!

Freddie says I look ugly.

She doesn't look ugly. She looks sexy.

I didn't say that. She's talking bollocks.

Tell your sister she looks sexy on the television.

Go on...

You look sexy on telly, Karen.

Now. Let's watch the good bit.

We've had a record number of votes, over 1, 000 texts and phone calls.

And the last girl to go through to the final of "Search for a Sexxbomb" is...

You know you bloody won!

I just hope my mum was watching up in Heaven.

This is for you, Mum, and I love you forever!

For f*ck's sake, Dad. Listen to what she's saying.

You're in my garden.

Right.

I... wanted to see what was in your shed.

My...?

Shed.

Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.

Everyone?

Yeah.

It's marvelled at.

So, this is it.

So what do you and the boys do in here?

Braid each other's hair and play soggy biscuit?

No... not for ages.

Spliff, then?

Cool.

Why don't you get your p*rn on the internet, like normal people?

What the f*ck's this?

You know, sometimes, when we're... we're too stoned to... go outside...

I'm sorry.

I wasn't really expecting guests.

What do you normally do?

Put out doilies?

Well, they do keep the cups clean.

Thanks for letting me in.

I know it's weird.

It's... whatever. You know.

It's cool.

It's cool.

It's just... Seems like a good place to hide.

You'll never guess what just happened.

This skinny Asian fucker was at the Green, body popping on a bit of lino.

He's got a little sign saying "Anwar the Magnificent", right?

He's busking, making cash money. So I said to him if I can join in...

And he says do I know the Buddha Buddha Cheese Buddha routine.

So I says...

Well, blow bubbles up my bollocks and call me Shirley.

Welcome to our fortress of solitude!

I think I love the Sexxbombz.

Karen's costume last night was a bit of a marvel.

I'm pretty sure it defied the laws of physics. I mean, that tiny amount of material is surely not be able to cover the requisite surface area for UK broadcasting laws.

Did you see it, Eff?

No...

That skirt was so short I saw her bumhole wink.

Pass the spliff, Freddiebrek.

Don't worry, I've perfected it.

Water... water...

No way...

f*cking Genius!

How long have you had that planted there?

About eight months.

f*cking genius.

f*cking top, mate.

That's f*cking tip toparoo.

After all this excitement, I fancy a spunk.

You coming, Eff? You soon will be.

I'd sooner f*ck JJ.

That isn't intended as a compliment. But I'm going to take it as one anyway.

Maybe you didn't get it.
"Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."

I got it.

Freddie and JJ got it.

That termite over there got it.

But you're not going to get it. Got it?

No... I'm confused.

I'm not going anywhere near your crayola d*ck.

I know where it's been.

What's she talking about?

Piss off then.

This is our place, right? If you're not going to shag us, then get to f*ck.

Mate, try and stir my porridge if you want but I'd say even Jay's got a better chance than you.

I mean, when was the last time you breathed fire?

Dinner's ready!

So, should I be called Minxy Sexxbomb or Foxy Sexxbomb?

Jordan says he likes Minxy. I wanted it to be Sexy Sexxbomb...

Can't you tell? Look at his eyes. He's completely monged.

I'm not.

I've... got coursework now.

You gonna tell him? About the thing?

Sit down!

I'm busy....

Freddie, sit down!

Sit down.

We want you here at two tomorrow.

What for?

Filming for the interview before my final performance.

You've got to talk about how much you miss Mum and how much it'll mean to you to see me win.

This is like, too f*cked-up for words.

My Mum's dead, vote for me...

It's not like it's not true.

I miss Mum every day.

sh*t... Dad, she's doing it again!

You need a story, everyone knows that.

See!

She didn't mean it like that.

Yes, I did. At least I've got some f*cking ambition!

I don't really think wanting Robbie Williams to jizz over your baps doesn't count as ambition!

That's nice. That's lovely guys.

Be here tomorrow at two o'clock.

You know what? Why should I?

Cos I wash your clothes, cook your meals, put a roof over your head, probably pay for your skunk and I do it all without asking anything in return. Except this.

Look! Look at her!

She's your sister, you support her. That's it.

It's just...

f*cking hell...

You know?

It's just, like... f*cking hell, you know?

Dad!

Get back here and apologise.

Freddie, get back here!

Dad, get him back here now and make him apologise to me!

Sorry.

Dad, you've got to get him back here. Dad, please...

Hamlet. What's it all about... dudes?

Anyone?

Well, Josie, through the fog of his grief, Hamlet is struggling to choose between action or inaction, and through this struggle, he encounters existential forces, illuminating the path towards death which is, in itself, life.

My my, that is an illuminating thesis, Gerald.

Well, done. Thank you.

No, thank you. You're a delight to teach.

I got held up.

Freddie's always late.

Sorry...

Sit down, please.

Is Freddie gonna fail his A-levels?

Fraid so, Gerald.

You're all gonna fail if you don't read the pucking book...

I've read it! It was great!

I didn't really understand it though.

Did the ghost do it after all, or was it Voldemort?

He's a right beast, in't he?

I think you got your books mixed up again, Panda.

So! In summary, the predominant themes of William Shakespeare's Hamlet are... action, inaction, madness, madness, grief, death...

Being, or not being.

That is the question...

Anyone else?

Hamlet's basically a teenage boy.

He's got these desires but he doesn't have the bottle to reach for them.

So he goes mad and wanks off about Ophelia and ends up so boring that somebody has to k*ll him.

I'm not sure that's right.

There's no w*nk*ng in Hamlet.

There is. Loads. Only they call it "soliloquizing".

Nice one, blondie.

She's funny.

Please don't!

Stop it... Stop it, please!

Thanks a lot, Cook. Now my nipples are really chafed.

Come on. We're going down the boozer.

I'm gonna...

Come on! I need to get that f*cking Dickens out me head. Let's get f*cking trashed!

But...

Come on, Freds. It's been... ages since we last went out.

I'm going home.

Please don't! Not again!

Have a tickle!

So...

Tell us what it means to you to have Karen in the grand final of Search For A Sexxbomb?

It's like, you know... well, I mean...

I can't quite put it into words.

It's great.

It is great.

He is just the best brother in the world.

We take every day as a blessing from God, because, you know, Mum isn't with us any more.

It really makes you think.

Does it?

About what?

About, you know... Life is precious and stuff.

Why don't you tell me what it was like to lose your mother?

I didn't lose her.

I'm not gonna find her down the back of the sofa or anything.

But, you know, like, how did it feel?

It felt great.

It felt really great.

Let me ask you... How does it feel being a cocaine-snorting, in low-budget, corporate puppet?

I think we're going to cut here.

Mum was...

She was the one who told me that I had a talent, a gift.

Who first sang with me and believed in me.

When I'm singing out there, I'm not just singing for me.

I'm singing for her.

And I'm singing for anyone who's ever been through tragedy.

Cut there. I love you, Karen! I actually love you.

You're so warm and sweet and cool.

I could eat you. I'd love to eat you.

You'd like that, wouldn't you, Karen?

I'd love that, Jordan.

OK, all right...

Listen, I need a chai latte. Where's that assh*le runner?

In there, with the other arseholes.

You know, you're not that hot kid.

Nobody wants to eat you...

Phil, yes, my man...

You're such a cock.

Why are you trying to f*ck this up for me?

I want the stuff that makes me go gaga, you know?

Start raping people, you know? You are beautiful.

I'll see you then.

You know. You oughta get laid or something, kid.

I might be a corporate puppet or whatever but I have a f*cking good time.

How's being an angsty little prick working out for you?

I haven't seen you dressed like that since... ever.

You look a bit like Frau Hilde from Primary.

Right now Kinder, get ze glitter on ze macaroni und stick!

Stick! Express yourselves, ja?

Ze glue is all over das lippen.

Do you remember how Cook used to try and ping his crayons into her bra?

Primary was fun.

Yeah, it was.

Cook wants you to come to Uncle Keith's pub quiz tomorrow.

If Cook wants me there, I suppose I'd better f*cking hop to it at 9!

Freddie... Why don't you want to be friends with us any more?

Cook hasn't got any friends.

Just... people that he knows.

Don't say that.

So? I mean...

What else are you gonna do?

Anyway...

You'll like this.

Hang on, pack of cards... handkerchief, and a mouse, but I haven't actually got a mouse, so... so, a rubber. I need you to pick a card...

I'll pick it for you.

I hope you're okay.

Good.

Now, Elizabeth. It's important for you to remember that your mother and I still love each other very much.

No we don't.

That's right. We don't.

That's why you're leaving.

That's why I'm leaving.

That's why I'm f*cking out of here, woman.

I am on a f*cking plane.

You're dead right. I am f*cking out of here...

What's up?

And you've got so little imagination, you have to shag my f*cking boss!

It's pathetic. You could have shagged the turd from Tesco's.

Take anything!

I don't want anything!

Take it! Otherwise it's all gonna cunting Oxfam!

Don't you dare use "c**t" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!

Take something. You bought it...

All right. I'll take my f*cking pan.

Take that pan and you are f*cking dead!

I brought your bracelet back.

Thanks.

We'd be good together.

Don't you think?

No.

Why?

Because I'll break your heart.

Maybe I'll break yours.

Nobody breaks my heart... and anyway, why would I want that?

Who the buggering tits is this?

Unbelievable.

They're not actually crazy, you know.

They're just women.

It's amazing what you can accomplish if you get up early.

f*ck!

Don't swear. I don't like swearing.

This is bullshit!

This is our f*cking shed.

Mine and JJ's and Cook's.

Since we were little kids.

Maybe it's time you grew up then.

Besides, Karen needs somewhere to rehearse, and actually it's my shed.

I think this is the worst thing anyone's ever done to me.

I didn't do to you. I did it for you.

Right.

Question 23...

A swan is the only bird with a penis, but how long can a cockroach live after you've pulled its head off?

Easy.

This is the life. The three musketeers out on the lash. Let's have a cheers.

The only man in Britain to survive three attempts to hang him was John Babbacombe Lee at Exeter Jail.

On what dates were the attempts made?

Keith, what's up with these questions?

Do you wanna be disqualified?

What were the dates?

Do you know what Naomi is spelled backwards?

I moan...

f*cking JJ...

Brilliant, man.

In Sherwood Forest, a famous...

What's up?

You all right?

Yes, fine. Who's this?

What is it?

Mike.

Romantic...

All right, love.

Clitoris Allsorts could do with some more members.

All right Keith, we're not stopping.

Right...

Next question.

When dropped from a height of 100 inches onto concrete, how high should a new tennis ball bounce?

Answers in hectares please.

I've got the answer.

Write it down then J-kins.

We don't let nothing come between us. Yeah?

Bros before hos, boys. Bros before hos.

Anyway.

We've got bigger fish to f*ck. Who does your sister think she is? Gina G?

This f*cking shed situation is f*cked.

The Cookie Monster does not like this.

If you find her so reprehensible, why did you have sex with her?

Wait. That was supposed to stay in the vault. Wasn't it?

JJ?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm emotionally underdeveloped.

You shagged my sister?

You know what I'm like... half a bottle of Grappa and I turn into a f*cking machine g*n...

You f*cked my sister?

Just be, Freddie.

Just be.

f*ck!

Bring it, Karen, bring it.

What do you want?

I was wondering if there was anything else you wanted?

What?

You've got this...

Maybe you want my bedroom for a tanning salon next.

At least then you might stand a chance tomorrow.

Just let me rehearse, and you can bitch at me after the final.

I am so sorry.

I forgot that's the only thing that matters in the whole world.

Grow the f*ck up.

You don't see it, do you?

You don't see what a stupid f*cking cliche you really are.

Piss off, Freddie.

So out of interest...

What were you dreaming of when you f*cked my best friend?

It wasn't like that...

He f*cked you good, didn't he?

I know your type, Karen.

Love me...

Love me...

Love me.

Look, stop it.

You little f*cking whore...

Go to your room.

Get some rest.

Freddie, don't you ever speak to your sister that way again.

What are you gonna do about it?

Every time I look at you, I wonder...

You've got your mother's eyes, but...

I don't know who you are any more.

You just skate around.

You just f*cking skate around.

Is Effy in?

There's no-one here but terrible old me...

Do you know where she is?

Please?

She's at the water park, I think.

She goes there to... get away from here.

Effy! I wanna talk to you!

Hi. This is Effy. I'm not talking right now.

But leave a message and maybe I'll get back to you...

Effy, I've come to tell you...

Freddie.

I don't think I can...

So, now I've told you, OK?

Now you know...

Jemma! That was fierce.

Fierce!

I didn't like it...

I loved it!

I loved it! I f*cking loved it!

Well, done! Thank you very much, Jemma. Thank you.

Okay, it's time for our third and final act of the evening.

Singing the song that took the Sexxbombz to number one in two countries, one protectorate and of course, Wales... it's Karen Mclair, with Ass To Ass!

Absolutely fantastic!

I'd like to dedicate that to my mum, Mary Mclair.

I love you so much...

Shut up...

Karen, Karen, that was amazing.

You are not just in this competition... you are this competition!

What about you Sexxbombz, are you feeling the love tonight?

I wanna see you going ass to ass with you...

I wanna see you going ass to ass with me...

They're feeling the ass baby! Fo' shizzle!

They are all feeling the ass. Thank you Karen, everybody.

OK. It's now time to get voting for your favourite...

Honey? Jemma? Or Karen?

Lines are open, get dialling now and come back here in one hour.

One of these three lovely girls will be... the new Sexxbomb!

Thanks, mate.

What are you doing, man? Let's go out and f*cking celebrate!

What?

She f*cking lost...

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, then. We'll bring the party to you...

Come on J...

He wanted to come around...

Just don't do anything bad, OK?

Hello, Mr Mclair. Karen.

Hello, JJ.

Bad luck, Karen. In the competition, like.

But you know...

What goes around comes around.

How much did you lose by again?

15 votes?

Well, that's funny, cos... that's about how many people were in Keith's pub tonight.

You voted against her?

Not just me. Everyone in there.

JJ, even.

Cook, don't...

You f*cking did what?

You took my shed, I took your competition. Fair's fair.

You little sh*t, you ugly little bastard...

Guys. Come on, let's go out? You can watch me play pin the sausage...

I forgot how limber you were, Karen.

What's going on?

Come on. It's been a long day.

You prick.

You selfish f*cking prick.

Freddie, please.

f*cking do it then. You p*ssy.

I really f*cking love you, you bastard.

JJ, we're leaving, man.

JJ, I'm sorry.

JJ!

You f*cking...

Hi. This is Effy. I'm not talking right now but leave a message...

Hi, is Ef...

Give it up, will you?

What?

Just f*ck right off.

You've got about as much chance of f*cking me as becoming the democratically elected Student President.

You? President?

Yeah man. Problem?

Vote for me! Vote for non-stop party!

You're such a f*cking joke.

I'm a joke? You're f*cking hilarious.

Can we go somewhere?

Anywhere?