4x06 - JJ

[bunniefuu]

My girlfriend won't look at me.

I f*cked the dead girl and now she's punishing me for it.

Cook, you're not coming back here. I've got my own sh*t to solve.

Get out.

You've got to not talk about Effy.

She really f*cked Freddie over.

Go... away.

Signorina! Do my eyes deceive me or does someone have a new cardigan?

Oh, yes, and it washes ever so well!

I bet it does. What's this?

Flying saucers...

Fizzy colas and... love hearts?

Who's the lucky man?

He's called Salvador.

I met him at Pilates. He's coming over tonight.

We're gonna get a takeaway and watch Silence of The Lambs.

You want to get in there, JJ.

My brother was in love with a girl during the w*r and by the time he'd got up the courage to ask her out, it was too late.

What happened?

His face got blown off by a b*mb.

I've lost count now, I'll have to start again.

Hello, darling, how was your day?

Hi, mum.

♪ f*ck you, gonna f*ck you Rub your clit like this
♪ Come straight back to mine and see my d*ck
♪ I wanna be respectful But, bitch, suck on my prick... ♪

Electromagnetic radiation is released in bursts of energy called?

Photons.

Black holes theoretically emit what kind of energy?

Bekenstein-Hawking radiation.

Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity defines the curved nature of?

The space-time continuum.

Captain's log...

Night-time in space is cold, long and dark...

So is the daytime.

Nevertheless, the mission continues to make contact with alien life forms from a far-away galaxy. I come in peace.

Tomorrow...

If she smiles at me tomorrow...

Hi, Thomas. Hi, AJ.

Holy macaroni, that's...

Oh, man.

You've got to ask her out, cuz.

Yeah. But she's out of your league.

I mean, yes, but...

But you've only slept with one girl, and this person was a lesbian who felt sorry for you.

No! I mean, yes, but...

But you have no hair on your balls.

No... I mean... Yes.

I mean... no, there's lots of hair on my balls.

I don't think so, cuz. There's none.

What? But... that's...

I do have hairy balls!

There is lots of hair on my balls. My balls are hairy!

My cock's hairy too! What do you think of that?

Captain's log. Experiencing turbulence.

Abnormal cosmic conditions are generating unforeseen forces.

Strange...

Life form was wearing really nice earrings today.

Tomorrow...

If she smiles tomorrow...

I have you now, Congo Man.

I could get you deported, you know! One phone call!

When you've finished flirting with each other, the customer toilets are in a right state.

She smiled at me...

This is your chance. You must seize it.

Go on, seize it.

Maybe... What's it worth?

Shut up!

♪ I'm no r*cist I like white ladies
♪ I'm no r*cist I like white ladies
♪ I'm no r*cist I like white ladies, yo! ♪

Poppet not singing?

Poppet not singing? I don't feel like it.

If the atoms in a container of helium gas have the same average speed as the atoms of...

I don't care...

...a container of argon... which is hotter?

I don't care.

I don't bloody care!

Edward?

The house is on fire.

Captain's log. Alien life form defined as Lara Lloyd.

The most beautiful girl in this or any known universe.

Jonah Jones, a pathetic w*nk*r who will die alone in a flat full of pigeons that he calls his babies.

Mission aborted.

f*ckin' hell, my chest!

Hello.

Hey.

You don't look well, Lara.

It's just a bit of a...

Atchoo! Sorry.

She even makes mucus look good.

C'est vrai.

Atchoo! A-A-Atchoo!

This looks bad, doesn't it?

Vitamin C.

Helps your immune system fight off colds and flu, and if you're like me, it regulates your bowel movements, which is... important.

Sweet.

Tasty. Thanks, AJ.

Lara. I...

My name's not AJ. It's JJ.

Oh... right.

Silly me.

If you don't ask her out in the next ten seconds, I will.

Ten... nine... eight... seven... six...

Thomas... wait!

...five... four... three...

Lara, have you got a minute?

Get out of my way.

Lara Lloyd, would you like to go out with me tonight?

Yes, all right.

There has been an unexpected warp in the space-time continuum. Operation Lara is go.

Repeat, go.

Repeat, go!

Come!

That's an awful lot of stuff, Freddie.

Yeah, you know. Revision.

Give me a shout if you need anything.

Are you gonna f*cking help me here, or what?

Yes, but what's?

Freddie?

Your bag's on fire.

Just open it.

Way-hey! Cook!

Daddy's home, Jaykins.

Now, hands up who wants to play Anne Frank.

You can't just stay here.

I'm sorry, mate. Fred's dad was getting suspicious, wasn't he?

You'll have to keep me here for a bit.

Keep you? What do you mean, "keep you"?

Her Majesty's Prison Service is supposed to be doing that!

I escaped, all right? What's the problem?

I've got a life, Cook!

Oh, I wouldn't want to interrupt your f*cking hectic social whirl, Jaykins.

FYI, things have changed, Cook.

I've got... a job!

And a date!

With a girl.

But this is hopeless. I'm stressed. I'm gonna f*ck up.

And I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, let me make f*cking use of myself, then, Jaykins.

How? What can you?

Listen, three rules... One, just be cool.

Just "be cool"?

Just "be cool"? Two, touch her.

Simple creatures, women, right? Touch her, she knows you want her.

If you don't, she starts to think she's ugly. Right?

Right. Touch her.

Three, look at her pupils. If they dilate when you look at her, it means she actually wants to play with your ding-a-ling. Capische?

Could you pass us that Ladyshave there, Jaykins? Good lad.

OK. You need to hide in my room, hurry up.

What are you doing?

Locking the door!

But I need to clean your room, you know that.

Yes, but what if I have private things? Things you can't see?

We don't have secrets, Jonah.

What things?

p*rn!

I don't want you to see my p*rn, Mother!

And I know you've been looking.

Let's do this.

OK, changed her mind.

JJ?

You're a little early.

Really?

Yes. Two hours early.

Watch, daylight saving, you know.

Uh! Idiot...

Is it cool to arrive early?

No.

No... No, of course not.

You look amazing.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Just... touching you.

Soft.

OK, shall we cut to the chase?

Possibly.

Your eyes... Can I just check?

Why don't you come inside? I just wanted to show you something.

Inside, you know?

Over here.

JJ, I'd like you to meet someone.

This is Albert... my baby.

Your... baby. As in?

As in, yes, I had sex, and shazam!

Baby.

Baby.

Baby. Baby, that's right.

Um, maybe you could watch him for five minutes, just while I get ready?

No problemo.

No problemo. Cool.

Hey?

So... there's nothing in my left hand.

There's nothing in my right hand.

Oh, you like that, do you?

What's going on?

Tell you what, Albert, let's see what else we can find.

What's this behind your ear?

A pound!

Five pounds! Ten pounds!

What are you, made of money?!

I don't mean to be rude, Albert, but you kind of stink.

Do I?

Oh, Jiminy Cricket, that is disgusting!

Oh, no. No! No!

I forbid you to do that! Oh!

Help! Help! Lara!

It's all gone tits up in here.

Argh! Who the f*ck are you?

I'm Jonah Jeremiah Jones, and he wee'd in my mouth!

Who said you could touch my f*cking baby?

Nobody, nobody, but there's a lot of poo.

I'm telling you. A lot!

JJ, this is Liam, Albert's dad.

He baby-sits for me sometimes... if he's good.

Right, Liam?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right. I'm ready for our date, JJ.

Change the baby, Liam. Would you mind?

Coming?

I see you touch my kid again, I'm gonna rip your lungs out.

Touch her... and I'll set them on fire and shove them up your arse.

Atta boy. Coochie-coo!

So, this is nice.

Yes. Yes. It's so lovely.

And you're...

I see you like peanuts, even though the average bar snack does test positive for the urine of up to 16 different people.

Let's get this party started, shall we? Garcon!

I'd like a Capribena, straight up, on the rocks, with a twist What the f*ck's a Capribena?

It's a Capri Sun and Ribena cocktail. That's how I roll.

We haven't got any Ribena... or Capri Sun.

OK.

Water, tap, hold the ice.

Lady? I mean Lara?

Vodka and Coke.

You heard the Lara. Vodka and cock. I mean Coke.

Personally, I find vodka weakens the neck of my bladder, but each to his... Emily?

Hi, JJ. Who's this?

Hi, Emily. This is... well, what are you?

I'm your friend, JJ.

Yes, this is my friend, Lara.

Right.

Um... this is my friend, Mandy.

We were just leaving.

We were just leaving. We just got here.

See you, JJ. Nice meeting you, Lara.

She's lovely, isn't she?

Funny...

Funny... What?

Oh, nothing.

Now, where were we?

JJ.

Yes?

You're touching me.

That's right.

Tell you what. Let's keep our hands where we can see them for now, yeah?

You cool with that?

You cool with that? Oh, yes. I am.

Um... So you and Liam are definitely not...

Would I be sitting here with you if I were?

Of course not. Obviously.

Are your pupils usually so dilated?

Only when I'm pissed off.

Only when I'm pissed off. Right, OK. Yup.

Er... cheers.

Wrong drink! That's gone straight through me!

She's got a baby.

'sh*t the bed! '

Are her baps all shonky, then?

'I don't know and I probably never will! Oh, and by the way, ' her ex-boyfriend wants to shove my lungs up my arse.

On fire. What the hell do I do?

Get out of there, J. Abort mission, mate.

Abort mission.

Yes. Abort.

Yes.

Do you need a hand?

No, I'm fine. I just...

Oi! What are you doing in here?

This is the ladies'.

Yeah. Yes, obviously.

I just came in to... buy tampons.

For you.

As a gift.

Forget it. This was a mistake.

Forget it. This was a mistake. No.

No... I'm the mistake!

I'm the mistake, it's me!

I'm a mistake.

I really like you.

Funny way of showing it.

Yeah.

This isn't going to work, is it?

I mean, you're a ten and I'm a three.

I'm a bit funnyy.

There it is.

You should be with somebody less reliant on their mother.

Somebody with pecs and g*ns...

Someone like Liam.

Liam doesn't flirt with old ladies.

O... K.

You flirt with old ladies.

At work, you call them signorina and tell them their lipstick looks nice.

And you're nice. Just... will you stop trying so hard?

Yeah?

You're nice.

Where the f*cking hell have you been?!

Sorry? Time flies when you're having fun.

You've been gone for two days. I've been drinking piss!

Whose piss?

Whose piss? Mine!

f*cking hell! Does no-one turn down the central heating in here? Jesus!

Savoury pork pie?

You need to make this up to me.

I'm serious.

I want Chinese food - a lot of it.

I texted Freddie, he's coming over. You and him sneak me out...

Can't. Me and Lara have got plans.

"Me and f*cking Lara"!

Where's the love, J? Hm? Where's the love!?

Can't you just be happy for me?

I am happy for ya, but it ain't gonna last, is it?

Why not?

Cos women are a mystery to us with even normal brains.

Your special noggin does not stand a chance.

f*ck! And I need you to sneak me into your shitter, J.

Cos I'm tellin' you, man, I've been waiting three days to drop my load.

That's how much I care.

OK?

I haven't said anything.

No.

So... why are you writing?

Oh, it's... it's what we do.

You're worrying.

Yes.

Just don't do that.

Actually, I'm worrying, Dr. Felly.

Really?

I just don't know what to do.

He's eating more and he's secretive and he's looking at p*rn.

Oh, you mustn't do that, JJ.

I mean, maybe if he had a real girlfriend, then...

Yes, well... sustained relationships are something that's very difficult for someone with JJ's condition.

There's no need to worry.

I do have a real girlfriend.

But I do worry. I can't help it.

You mustn't...

I do have a real girlfriend. I have sex with her every day!

Oh, JJ!

Secrets.

You know, JJ, I'm not sure you should do that.

Have you told her about your condition?

No, of course I haven't!

And why is that?

Because I don't want her to think I'm a psycho!

You're not a psycho.

No! No.

Now, these are lovely little pills.

Calm you down.

Stop the urges, that kind of thing.

Stop the urges, that kind of thing. Shove it up your cock!

It's a strain, I know, coping with everything by yourself.

It's all right.

I'm all right. I just wasn't... ready for...

Don't worry!

If I might say, that's a very nice frock you have on today, Celia.

You do look charming.

You really shouldn't do that, Eric.

Oh, I know...

I mustn't.

You.

Hello again.

I'm not a psycho!

It's not really looking too good, is it, mental box?

Liam, please, please, don't...

Don't tell the mother of my child she's going out with a fruit loop?

Yes. Please don't tell her that.

OK. Really?

Nah. Not really.

I can't wait to tell her all about you.

You ain't going to win this one, you know, mate.

Lara and me - we've got a baby.

And all you've got is... a ticket for the special bus.

I want to meet her. I mean...

Have your friends met her?

You sure you're ready for this?

I'm sure they're lovely.

I'm just wondering... have you spoken to Liam recently?

No. Liam's being a tit.

Why?

Oh, no reason.

Welcome to the house of fun.

So, I wanted you to meet Naomes and Emily, cos they're really... fun.

Right.

So, Laauraa...

Lara.

Yeah. Isn't that what I just said?

Um... how old is it?

He's nine months.

Um... would you mind not, you know, smoking a spliff?

Oh, sh*t, sorry.

I'm such a tit.

Tell me about it.

Anyway... after we ran into Emily the other night, I thought, "Why not just... come down?"

Have you... have you already met?

Um... yeah. It was a coincidence.

Yeah, you were with that nice...

JJ, will you go over my politics coursework?

I don't do politics.

Yeah. Just come and look, OK?

What's going on?

Nothing.

Nothing!

Nothing, OK?

Are you?

If you're cheating...

I mean...

I just... like Mandy.

Nothing's happened.

Because that would be bad, Ems.

You think I want to get into another relationship?

Relationships suck.

They really f*cking suck.

Mine doesn't.

Look at her - she's using you.

What? Wh... How?

She's...

I dunno. Maybe it's the kid.

Maybe she's trying to get back at someone. Otherwise, why would she?

Why would she be with a mental basket like me?

I'm trying to protect you.

Get out before she kicks the sh*t out of you, because she will.

Lara's not Naomi!

And... I'm not you.

I have... trust I have...

75% trust You're running on empty.

And it takes a mental basket to tell you that.

Just remember who you can rely on.

OK?

Your friends are weird.

You just have to get used to them.

OK.

Right. When we get in there, let me do all the explaining. OK?

JJ, I'm just your girlfriend. We're OK, right?

Yeah.

Look... no.

No-one's "just" anything to me.

I'm a bit all or nothing.

In fact, I'm a little bit...

Hello. You must be Lara. I've been so looking forward to...

We've been looking...

We...

We've been...

Edward, um... this is Lara, JJ's girlfriend, and, um...

Albert.

Albert. Baby Albert.

I beg your pardon?

So, Lara, does little Albert have a father?

Yes, he does, Celia. They usually do.

Silly! Of course he does - listen to me!
"No, Celia! He's a medical marvel!"

Edward, have you got anything to say?

I... I don't think so. No.

Right! Well, then...

Sorry! No more questions.

Let's have a cup of tea and a nice slut...

Chat!

A nice cha... at.

Oh, my God!

OK. I think I'm going to go change him, leave you to it.

Where's the?

Top of the stairs...

I thought you wanted me to be normal and have a girlfriend!

I do! I...

I... did. I thought I did.

Dad?

I know nothing.

JJ, the toilet's locked.

Shitification!

But we're all... down here.

Lara!

Wait... no...

Why is it locked?

Security! Very important!

JJ, what's going on? Nothing.

Why is the door locked?

Have you got the key?

I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me.

It's fine. It's a little while since I was called a slut, but...

The baby was a bit of a surprise.

Can we all just go downstairs?

Actually, I need to pee too.

No, no, no. You can't.

JJ, open the door.

See, he's not ready for...

I'm sure he can decide for himself, can't he? It's not exactly your business.

Go downstairs. You could pee in the yard.

Don't be ridiculous! Go and get a screwdriver.

Actually, I think it is.

Maybe JJ hasn't told you about himself.

All right, that's it. I've had enough.

Lara...

No. Just leave me alone. You're all f*cking mental!

Open the door, Cook.

Hello, Celia.

James.

Aren't you supposed to be in jail?

Yes.

Well, can I suggest that you bugger off before I even remember I've seen you?

Can I finish my left side?

I really need you to try harder, Edward. OK?

OK.

You're a man, aren't you, Screaming J?

You're a man of flesh and blood and fight and spunk and hair and fists.

J, you find this Liam twat and you have it out with him, man to man.

Like you and Freddie did with Effy?

No. That's...

Lot of good it did. She went crazy.

Where are you going?

Naomi's, I guess.

You're sort of running out of places.

Thanks, man.

And... thanks for the shagging tips - they really, really work.

Spunk, yeah?!

Spunk!

It's all we've got.

I can't talk to you right now, JJ.

Well, I want to talk to you!

Mate, didn't you hear her?

She doesn't want to.

I'm not your mate.

Look, just...

Listen, I warned you, psycho.

I told you to stay away from my family.

OK, cool your boots! Everybody keep calm, please.

She's not yours, she's mine!

Not any more she ain't, mate.

JJ. You'll lose your job. We all will.

OK. I'm calm. I'm calm, OK?

I am a psycho! I'm a f*cking psycho!

JJ, stop!

She loves me!

You'll lose your job! JJ!

You're f*cking nothing, OK?!

I don't think we should see each other any more, JJ.

Come on.

f*cking psycho!

I'm a f*cking...

We had a lot of arguments, your mum and me, way back when she started taking you to these doctors.

I just let her get on with it, you know.

She had this... love in her, this...

...care, that was... so strong, and...

I knew in many ways it might be too strong...

...you know, if we both... felt like that.

It can be a burden to a kid...

She didn't do anything wrong.

No, no, she didn't, she...

I suppose I just... couldn't see the point.

All these... bits of paper with this and that... stupid diagnosis, and... nobody knows anything anyway.

I used to pick you up from playschool, and...

...all the other boys would be running round, shouting, fighting, normal.

You'd be sitting making telescopes out of toilet rolls.

And...

...well... I just...

Er... I just... wanted you to know how I felt about that, and...

How do you feel about it, Dad?

Well...

I felt you'd always be all right.

I thought you could come through anything.

I think you can come through anything, J.

Thank you for the flowers.

Right.

You look nice in that dress.

Thank you.

People do say that.

Good.

Captain's log.

Let's refuel this g*dd*mn ship.

Boy, you really f*cked it.

Big time.

Yeah.

You can hit me.

If it makes you feel better, then... hit me.

What?

Sooner or later, you're going to punch my lights out.

So... I figure... better get it over and done with.

I love her.

I can't f*cking help it. I love her, all right?

Yeah.

Me too. It's a problem.

Well, it's not too much of a problem, is it, mate? She thinks you're a c**t.

I am a c**t.

Because... I didn't trust her to like me.

You said it, mate.

And she's clever, like...

She's too clever for you or me.

I am... sorry.

We've got a kid together.

And that ain't going to go away. And I will not give him up for nobody.

I never thought... What... what are you trying to say, Liam?

She doesn't love me back.

It's... it's not her fault.

But I love my kid, and she's given it respect.

So whatever you do...

...it better be f*cking good.

What the f*ck?

Piss off, will you? You'll wake the f*cking...

JJ?

What are you doing? I told you, I don't want to talk to you right now.

♪ So true
♪ Funny how it seems
♪ Always in time
♪ But never in line for dreams
♪ Head over heels when toe to toe
♪ This is the sound of my soul
♪ This is the sound
♪ I bought a ticket to the world
♪ But now I've come back again
♪ Why do I find it hard to write the next line
♪ When I want the truth to be said?
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
♪ I know this much is true
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
♪ I know this much is
♪ True! ♪

Take it away.

♪ This much is true-oo
♪ This much is true-oo-oo
♪ I know, I know I know this much is true
♪ This much is true-oo This much is true-oo-oo
♪ I know this much is
♪ True... ♪

We should have done it in B flat.

Oi! Maestro!