02x19 & 02x20 - The Authority/The Virus

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[sighs]

Huh?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

[grunting]

Hmm.

Mmm.

Hmm.

[grunting]

[screaming]

[Richard groaning]

What happened?

You're very lucky, Mr. Watterson.

It appears your skull is so thick,

you were able to survive
a half a ton of tiles

and a satellite dish falling on your head.

Is he going to be OK, doctor?

Apart from being living proof
that we're doomed as a species, he's fine.

I just need a signature
from whoever's responsible for him.

That would be me.

[Granny Jojo] I don't think so.

That would be his mother.

[nervous laughter] Granny Jojo.
What a pleasure.

I wish I could say the same,

but it seems I have no other choice
but to move in and sort out your family,

which you are clearly
incapable of taking care of.

Doctor?
What's the cheapest object in this room?

Probably that.

[grunting]

That was still worth about $ .

[Gumball] So, Granny Jojo,
why are you staying with us?

Because someone has to
look after your safety, kid.

I think they're perfectly safe with me.

Now, look left, then right,
before you cross that road, Gumball.

No, you look right, then left.

That way, you see the nearest car first.

But while you're looking left,

something may be coming
from the other direction.

Look right again, sweetie.

No, look left!

-Look right.
-Left!

-Right! Right! Right!
-Left! Left! Left!

Now run.

It's better to cross the road
as quickly as possible.

No! You might trip and fall.

Just walk.

Oh, don't worry, Billy.
It's a really good hospit--

[screaming]

[grunts]

Dude, I think the board
is supposed to jump, as well.

[Granny Jojo] See? This is exactly
the kind of thing I was worried about.

How would you know? You're not even
tall enough to look out the window.

I don't need to! I know how dangerous
the world is.

Oh, come on.
He's wearing all of the protective gear.

What's the worst that could happen?

[shrieks]

You stupid...

[all groaning]

Oh, my gosh, you're right,
I'm a terrible mother.

Follow me.

Corner paddings.

Socket covers. Stair guard.

A good mother prevents
the incident before it happens.

[screams]

The worst part is that it's working.

I... I always thought I was a good mother.

But you're not, are you?

Maybe it's because of stress or some--

Don't worry about it.

But they're my family! They need me!

They need me more.

[sighs]

Excuse me, sweetie.

I forgot to ask your mom to buy
some milk before she left for work.

Do you mind running to the store
to pick some up?

-Sure.
-Good boy.

Now, you be careful outside.

Yeah, right.

Who knows, I might get jumped
by a garden gnome.

[tires screeching]

[screaming]

[panting]

-[screaming]
-[tires screeching]

[hyperventilating]

What the what?

This lesson showed that nobody is safe
the moment they leave their house.

-What are you doing, sweetie?
-Just making a sandwich.

Well, let me show you how to do it safely.

[both screaming]

And that lesson showed that nobody is safe
when there's a Kn*fe around.

So get out of here.

[Darwin sobbing]

Hold on, sweetie. Let me get that for you.

Ugh.

[loud expl*si*n]

[ear ringing]

And this lesson shows that
nobody is safe around windows.

[Anais panting]

[humming]

[gasps]

[shudders]

And this is why you don't play with tools!

Looks like my work here is done.

Why are we... eating like this?

Because it's the only thing...
I'm not terrified of doing.

I don't think it's very good...
to stop using our brains like this.

I can feel myself getting... dumber-rer.

You have nothing to worry about anymore.

All you'll ever need is right here.

[all sighing]

Oh.

Hmm?

[all] Hmm.

What the... What have you done to them?
They've all turned into Richard!

Well, at least they're safe.

[gasps] It's because of your parenting
that Richard had that accident.

Wait.

It's because of your parenting
that he has no common sense whatsoever!

You protected him his entire life,
never letting him think for himself,

and now he can hardly think at all!

Richard. Richard! Richard!

Huh?

Take the kids and go buy some milk.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to revive their brains.

Uh, does anyone remember
how to open a door?

Yeah.
I think you're supposed to turn that.

[all groan]

Huh?

If you think I'm letting you
send them out into danger,

you got another thing coming!

Well, if you think I'm gonna let you mess
with my family any more,

you've got this chair coming!

What the...

Good luck trying to stop me, Nicole,
I've safe-proofed this whole house.

Everything breakable is now plastic.

Everything else is rubber.

Apart from that, which was paper.

A good mother prevents accidents
before they happen.

I am a good mother!

-Say it! Say it!
-No! No!

Say I'm a good mother!

Hmm?

-[groaning]
-[car engine starting]

[car driving away]

[Granny Jojo] No!

You've sent them to a highway
of eternal doom in a chariot

of pain and despair!

My babies!

My babies!

Oh, please. Richard is perfectly capable
of driving to the store.

[car horns blaring]

I'll get the car.

[indistinct shrieking]

-[Gumball] Dad, you need to stop the car!
-I can't!

I can't remember how to drive!

Hmm, you're clearly doing something wrong.
I just don't know what!

[all] Hmm?

Oh, oh, I got it!
You forgot your seatbelt!

[Anais] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

[all sighing]

[indistinct shrieking]

Stop the car!

I don't know how!

Well, start by looking the right way!

Don't give them the answers!

They need to figure it out by themselves.

Just use your common sense, honey!

-It's OK to make mistakes!
-OK.

I need a little help here.
How do you stop a car?

Well, it depends.

Are we moving forward,
or is the world moving backwards?

Whatever it is,
the answer must be in this car!

Let's push all the buttons!

[horn honking]

Uh, what do we do now?

I think the right thing to do
is flail our arms and scream in panic.

[all screaming]

OK. That was a pretty good mistake.

What did you learn from that?

Nicole, I have to put an end
to this right now.

[in slow motion] No!

Your family is in danger, and you...

My family is fine.

They just need the right incentive.

No! Don't leave us!

-We've got to stop the car!
-But how?

-Have you tried saying please?
-Don't be silly.

Just do as I do.

-Get out of the road!
-No!

You can do it, honey!

-Are you crazy?
-Come on, guys!

I believe in you.

Remember everything you've learned!

[slowing down] Learned, learned, learned,
learned, learned.

Bup, bup, bup. [sighs]

[Nicole] Remember.

[grunting]

[sighs]

[Nicole] Remember.

[groans]

Ha-ha.

[Nicole] Remember.

[whistling]

[all, in slow motion] The brake!

[all screaming]

[all sighing and laughing]

Nicole, I... I...

I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

You are a good mother.

It's OK to make mistakes
if you learn from them, Granny Jojo.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I just have to pass out as well.

Brothers, we've mutated
many times over for this moment.

But now we are ready.

Today, we take this body.

Tomorrow, the rest of the world!

[all grunting]

None will be safe from our infection!

Our glory will be greater
than the pox, the plague,

and man flu combined!

Follow me!

To the nostril!

[all screaming]

Get off!

Why don't you go clean
your own hand, you clean freak?

Wash it now, you disgusting bio-hazard!

Man, for a paper girl,
she's surprisingly strong.

I think it's more like
you're surprisingly weak.

I don't want to wash it!

What is your problem?

He got a high-five
from Penny three months ago

and refused to wash it since.

Don't tell me
you haven't showered in days.

Of course I've showered,
I'm not an art student.

I just wrap my hand in swimming trunks
to keep it dry.

Ask him how often he washes those.

You don't wash swimming trunks,

they clean themselves
when you swim. Right?

Ew! When Penny hears that,

she'll be so horrified
that her antlers will turn white.

Please don't tell her!

What if I just cut it off
and keep it in a memory box?

-Just wash it!
-No!

[flushing sound]

-Did you hear that?
-What?

Kind of sounded like a choir of gnomes
going down a water slide.

What, like...

Eee!

[making strange gargling sounds]

-Yeah, exactly.
-Nah. Didn't hear it.

I will find you.

And when I do,
I swear on my fallen comrades,

I will infect you, and I will destroy you.

And then I will take over your family,
your friends,

and I won't stop
until nothing is left alive

on the surface of the Earth!

Do you hear me?

[squeakily] Do you hear me?

[school bell rings]

[beeping]

You may want to clean up the alien slime
on your laser g*n.

You could get sick from that.

I always carry my intergalactic
antibacterial gel

in case I need to interfere
with people's lives!

I'm right here, you know.

Sorry.

Hey, I just picked up the proton bazooka!

If you think germs are so funny,
then maybe you should look at this!

Oh, my gosh! What is that?

That's my mom.

This is her website. She's a doctor.

[Darwin and Gumball] Oh!

Oh, my gosh. What is that?

That is what happens to a finger
if you don't disinfect a cut.

It looks like a purple foot
covered in mayo.

And that only came from a paper cut.

Give me that!

[shuddering]

Can you do my back?

"No, the evil germs are out to get us."

The germs are fine, man.
They're part of life.

That's Mother Nature
trying to make you stronger.

Really? You do know that
the keyboard you just used

has more germs on it than a toilet seat?

[sighs]

Yes! My chance for revenge!

Oh!

Stay back, bacteria! He's mine!

Come on, virus. There's plenty to share.

I said get back!

Right in the flagellum!

Right in the ribosome!

Dude, not the cytoplasm!

It hurts me, too, you know.

Hey! I said get back!

[laughing]

Huh?

No!

[Gumball] Nearly there.

Just focusing, and...

Yep. You're right.
There's definitely no hair on your butt.

I don't think
you'll ever grow a beard, man.

You do know there are more germs
on a pair of buttocks

-than a toilet seat, right?
-I don't care.

I'm one of those people
who never gets sick anyway.

What a liar.

No, I just tell my body not to get sick.

Oh, really? And how do you do that?

The power of the mind over the flesh.

I can control any part of my body, watch.

-You believe me now?
-Ugh, yeah. Sure.

Good, 'cause now you're gonna have
to take me to the infirmary.

Well, your heart's in your stomach,

and you'll be breathing out of your arm
for a while.

But apart from that, you're hunky-dory.

Ow!

[Darwin and Gumball sighing]

What? Where did you get your diploma--
The Royal College of Ducks?

'Cause you're a certified quack!

You haven't run a blood test,
taken a temperature, or even an X-ray!

He's fine. He just needs to walk it off.

I'm talking about me!

I've been in contact
with these germ bags all day!

I can feel myself getting ill.

Like Monday, when you thought
the foam in your mouth was rabies,

only to discover it was toothpaste?

Or Tuesday, when you thought
you broke your leg,

even though you don't have any bones?

Or yesterday, when you thought
you'd gone deaf

because nobody had spoken to you
for five minutes?

[breathes deeply]

You know, I think I've actually found
a disease you suffer from--

Attention-seeking-itis.

Dr. Darwin, is there a cure?

Yes. Getting a life.

[both snickering]

Ow! I just needed a hair sample.

[gasps]

Let me guess, you found a deadly virus
previously unknown to science,

-and it's coming after us.
-Yes, exactly!

Oh, no! What shall we do, Dr. Darwin?

I recommend a high-dose treatment
of sarcastic looks.

[both] Hmm.

Could you at least look at it?

[sighs] All right. Whatever.

What the pucks?

Dude, she's right. There's a virus.

And he's making rude gestures at me
with his little tentacles!

What does it mean
when a virus grows wings?

Let me look.

It's mutated and gone airborne!

Give me that!!

Hold on.

We need to hide
in a sterilized environment.

[whispering]
Which virus do you think it is?

Let's read the symptoms.

[sighs] What's the point?

We'll never know which virus it is
if it's always mutating.

They're the worst.
They always find a way to get you.

Then we need to fight fire with fire!

[grunting]

What are you doing?

Trying to mutate!

[laptop beeps]

An e-mail for free online medication
without prescription!

[all laughing]

[female automated voice] Virus detected.

Initiating virus protection protocol--

Mmm, maybe it's just rebooting.

[laptop roaring]

Did you see that?

[laptop roaring]

How about a little help over here!

Try to turn it off and on!

[screaming]

Darwin! Unplug it!

[shuddering]

[short circuits]

[gasps]

I told you PCs were unreliable.

You thought you had escaped me,
but you thought wrong!

I am a warrior who can never be defeated!

I have mutated, and now I'm gonna take--

Let's get out of here
while he's still talking.

Get down! It's a faulty changer!

How did he get into the stereo?

He's mutated and infected
the entire electrical system.

Every electrical device in this house
is coming after us!

It'll be safer to--

-[indistinct whirring]
-[screams]

Oh, man! Not the eyebrows!

How exactly do you feel about that?
Angry, surprised, upset?

I can't tell.

On my command! Three, two, one, go!

[player jamming]

[panting]
How did you know that would happen?

My mix tape is all scratched up.
It always jams.

The waffle iron!

-Oh, my gosh! Your leg!
-Is it burning?

Nah, I overreacted.

It's warming up really slowly.

[screams]

-But what do you want from us?
-[virus] I want my vengeance!

You washed away my army,
and now you shall pay!

Told you I shouldn't have washed my hands.

Well, you're not gonna destroy us
with pastries!

The pastries were just a decoy, my friend.

[microwave beeping rapidly]

[screaming and panting]

Shh. What's that sound?

[screams]

[Darwin] Teri? Are you OK?

She's not answering.

I think it's for the best,

'cause if she tried to talk,
she'd sound like...

[gagging sound]

[sobbing]

I'm so sorry, Teri.
I shouldn't have made fun of you.

At least she doesn't need
to worry about germs anymore.

-Watch out!
-[both scream]

-No! Behind you!
-[both scream]

That was close.

We should be safe out here.
There's no electrical stuff.

[wheels squeaking]

[automated voice] System online.

[laughing]

Oh, man! He's mutated again!

[Teri gasps]

I've got an idea!

[tires screeching]

I thought he'd at least slow down
at the stop sign.

[all scream]

[Teri] Quick! Down the alley!

[engines revving]

Hey, virus! Where's the honor in this?

Five cars against three kids?

I thought you were a warrior,
not a coward!

[virus] Who are you calling a coward?

I don't need an army to take you down!

-Then come out and fight me like a man!
-You're on!

I hope your body is ready,

because I'm gonna turn it
into a cesspit pit of pain.

Not just regular pain.
It will be a seven-course banquet of pain!

There will be a starter of suffering,

a fish course of torment,
an excruciating dessert,

and just when you think you're full,

you'll be served a coffee
and biscotti of misery!

[theme music playing]