1x06 - (US) Abbud

[bunniefuu]

I love this song.

I love you, too.

What?

Tony: Everybody having fun?

Stanley: Michelle's a disaster, tea's getting weirder and weirder, and you're in here.

You should plead insanity and join me in here.

Do you wanna dance?

Tea, can I have a minute?

Sorry, abbud here wants to get jiggy.

You know it's right.

♪
♪ o, Canada ♪
♪ our home and native land ♪
♪ true parrot love ♪
♪ in all our contraband ♪
♪ we love sex with parrots ♪
♪ and maple syrup too ♪
♪ and hockey and clubbing baby seals ♪
♪ we're all very nice apart from the french people ♪
♪ and we love b*ating beaver ♪

(Laughing)

Shut the (Bleep) Up.

Dude, thought you weren't allowed to talk?

Well, you thought wrong.

I can talk, and I'm allowed to slap yanks too.

Welcome to Canada.

(Giggling)

Business or pleasure?

Pleasure.

Welcome to Canada.

Carrying anything that somebody might have given you?

No, not at all.

Where are you staying?

It's a camp called high in the wild.

Oh, boy.

What? What's wrong?

Nothing.

Welcome to Canada.

Chris: Go.

Cool. I usually get put in the room.

You know, the one with no windows?

Well, welcome to Canada.

I guess he didn't tell you about the b*mb up his ass.

(Sirens wailing)

Abbud: Ow! Let me go!

Abbud, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Did they?

Oh, yeah. Took a b*llet for you big time.

Chris: Nice.

Okay, okay, crisis over.

Now, let's call this learning, everyone.

Abbud, what have you learned? Never to hide a b*mb up my ass?

You got it.

All right, let's get ourselves into the wild.

And kids, we are traveling canadian-style.

Stan: Oh, my God. Michelle: Are you kidding me?

Chris: Short bus.

♪

(Sniffing)

Oh, sorry.

Didn't mean to make you my pillow.

No worries. It's all good.

Clearly.

I mean, it was just... it was just the scenery.

It's beautiful, tea.

You don't need to make excuses to me, abbud.

You're a healthy male. You've got responses.

Yeah, sure, I... I got responses, yeah.

Tony: So Stan, are you going to tell us how you got the weed through customs?

Stan: It's in my ass, man.
(Chris laughing)

Chris: You put it in your ass? Stan: Yeah.

Okay. Okay, take it easy, people.

We are off the beaten path, folks.

We're going high and wild.

David, do you know where we're going?

Dave: Yeah, yeah. And you know what, Tina?

When I was a teenager, I was spunky.

The wild juices of puberty squirting through my veins.

High in the wild set me straight.

That's good for you. Please watch the road.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tina, want to come up here and take the wheel?

No, I don't have my class c license.

Well, neither do I.

Whoops.

Come on, I won't bite.

Just a nibble or two from the tasty bits.

Tony: I don't understand, man. Stan: What, Tony?

Tony: Why you think it's okay to shove weed up your fudge vault, all right?

You told me to put it where nobody would look.

Jesus, man, how far did you shove it?

Not far. That's what's so weird.

It's like my butt swallowed it up further.

I'm kind of scared.

What goes up must come down.

I just hope you have secure packaging down there.

Or you're going to be going on the trip...

Of a lifetime. Tony: Of a lifetime.

(Laughing)

Of a lifetime.

(Laughing)

You know, Tina, being in nature changes everything.

Everything's better.

Air, coffee, sex.

Right. Coffee.

There is nothing better than making sweet love under the stars.

Raw and naked, like animals.

Leaves and dirt in your giggle cracks and happy spots.

God of thunder!

(Tires squealing)

(All screaming)

(Passengers murmuring)

Oh, sugar.

(Giggling)

Oh, no.

(Air hissing)

Oh, God, what did we do to it?

Okay, okay, nothing to see here.

Are you kidding? We just totaled a moose.

Tony: Are you serious? Man.

It's okay. There's nothing more natural.

How's it natural? You ran it down.

(Lowing and groaning)

Chris: What's it doing? It's alive!

It's in pain. Do something.

Okay, this is what we in the field of education call "a teachable moment."

Tight circle, people. Tight circle.

I want you to see the cycle of life in action.

Now, it is our duty to put this beautiful beast out of it's misery and help it make the crossing.

Now I'm going to squeeze, gently at first, and then slowly, almost imperceptibly, I'll begin to apply pressure.

(Grunting)

Jesus Christ. What the hell are you doing?

Tony: This is a million hits online.

Dave: You can't get this in a classroom.

Come on!

(Dave grunting)

Boy: Oh, come on, dude. Oh.

Dave: It's over.

(Moose grunting)

(All screaming)

That moose is going to need some serious counseling.

(Laughing)

Oh.

Looks like you put the bus out of it's misery, Dave.

Dave: Oh, that's a shame.

(Indistinct murmuring)

Boy: Please stop.

Please stop.

This blows.

What if we run into a bear?

A bear? That's a good question, Michelle.

But it's not a question of if we run into a bear, it's when.

Okay? And when we do, it's important to remember that they are extremely slow animals.

Big, dumb and slow. So if you see one, sprint.

Dropping high-octane wisdom here, folks.

Bearare actually really smart and fast.

They can run 40 Miles an hour, and if you run, they think you're food.

I don't want to be food.

What the hell?

Guys, there's someone in the woods you hear me? He's got an a*.

Girl: It's all in your head!

Abbud: Guys, I'm telling you, there's someone in the woods.

There's someone there. Some kind of psycho.

We got to do something.

You've been watching horror movies again, haven't you 'Bbud?

Yeah, a few, but this is real.

Tony: Oh, it's real, abbud?

Michelle: It's all in your head, dude.

Abbud: This is real, guys.

Chris: Abbud, can it. The chicks are going to freak.

Michelle: Stop talking.

Tony: What do you know about reality, huh?

Michelle: Maybe it's a bear holding an a*.

(Laughing)

Yup.

The hallowed ground where I became a man.

This is high in the wild.

Chris: Check it out, man. Stan: Are you kidding?

(Laughing)

Brown paw! Brown paw, we made it.

This sucks, Tina. Can't we call someone?

Look, I know we... can we just try, okay?

Brown paw, I came back.

Chris: This is going to be fun, eh?

This is going to be fun.

Chris: Yeah.

Welcome to the most important weekend of your lives.

I... I want you to meet my spiritual guide, discipline mentor and the person who introduced me to wood: Brown paw.

I look around at all your faces.

I see low self-esteem, promiscuity and a disturbing amount of drug abuse.

There's no way that lady isn't packing nuts.

My mission, along with Jack rabbit and bobtail, is to change all that.

At high in the wild, we offer a challenging life metaphor which will overcome past negative events and foster self-discovery.

Tomorrow you endure the quest of the courage pole; The day after, the Wolf Mountain discovery trek; The third day, the fire walk.

While you are here, you will be referred to by number only.

You will have to earn your names back.

This seems a bit extreme for an eco field trip.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Brown paw: You!

You at the back.

Keep your pretty mouth zipped and your eyes up here.

Tent assignments are as follows.

Embrace it, Tina.

Embrace the discipline.

This blows.

What's your beef?

I wanted to bunk with tea.

'Bbud, we all want to bunk with tea, but man pork ain't on her menu.

It's sad and tragic as hell because her body is built for the fast Lane, but that ain't the world we're living in, son.

Abbud, you're a virgin, unless jerking it into a sock counts as real sex.

And as a man yet to dip his rig, the last chick you should target is a friend of Ellen.

You got to target the sick and the weak.

Sick and the weak?

Look, when a young lion first hunts, he doesn't go for the biggest elk.

He goes for the easy prey.

You, you got to go even further down the food chain and find something that's limping and missing patches of fur.

What you want is, like, an animal that's been grazed by a car.

Stunned and disoriented. Like a messed-up rabbit.

You want me to bang a roadkill?

It's for the best.

Screw you, Chris.

You're an idiot.

♪

Way to go with the number, 'bbud.

Which do you want to be, the 6 or the 9, baby?

You wish.

Hey, lucky number 8. Nice.

Woo-hoo.

Guys, we need to find dr*gs fast and then... huh? There! Something!

Guys, someone in the woods.

Quit with the psycho sh*t.

You're so full of it.

Tea, can I bunk in your tent tonight?

Michelle's bunking in my tent tonight.

Come on. Don't you want some 'bbud time?

Do you have any weed?

Yeah, you got bud, 'bbud?

Michelle: What do you say, 'bbud?

You only want me for my dr*gs.

All: You haven't got any dr*gs.

But if you did, I bet we'd all want some 'bbud time.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Tons of abbud time.

Really?

I'll go find dr*gs.

He's cute.

I like him.

Betty: Tea, mind if I...?

Sure.

Betty: You guys having fun?

Anyone have any marshmallows?

Can't have a campfire without them.

(Cackling)

Dave: Whoo! Yeah!

Okay! He's crazy.

Dave: I am the campfire starter.

♪

Chris: Hi.

Chris, get out of here.

Just wanted to see if you needed anything.

Maybe a foot massage?

After all the walking.

You know you're not supposed to be in here like this.

Stop it.

(Dave imitating bear roaring)

Oh, sh*t!

Dave: Hungry bear on the prowl.

(Gasping)

I hope the she bear is decent, because the he bear's coming in. No, wait!

Come here. Chris: - Why?

In here.

Oh.

Dave: Roar!

Ah-ha!

We're high in the wild, Tina.

There is no rules here.

We got to just accept that we are closer to nature.

Much closer.

David, what are you doing in here?

Whoops, did I forget to tell you?

Teacher's quarters are unisex, so you and I are bunking up, she bear.

What?

Yeah.

Chance for us to really cement our relationship.

I'm hoping you feel the same way.

Now obviously I got to take myself a shower.

But first it's yoga time.

(Chris laughing)

Stop.

And later, we can have a talk.

A deep, penetrating discussion.
(Flatulence)

I hope you don't mind my tantra.

You know, Bruce Springsteen hasn't had an orgasm in 15 years?

He redirects all of his chi back into his testicles.

I think you're thinking of sting.

Uh, no. Pretty sure it's the boss.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes. Ah.

Tina: Dave. Huh?

Weren't you going to shower or something?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Chris.

Sorry.

You're going to get me fired.

That's disgusting. Bruce Springsteen?

Go. Get out of here.

I love you.

What?

♪ Wish I could take your lips with me ♪
♪ on the road wherever I'd be ♪
♪ I'd kiss you good night ♪
♪ in a far-off moonlight ♪
♪ wish I could take your lips with me ♪
♪ listen to your little voice sing ♪
♪ along with the radio ♪
♪ a song that someone else wrote ♪
♪ I don't care ♪

Chris: Guys, come over here!

♪ I just need you here ♪

(People chattering indistinctly)

♪ Wish I could take your eyes with me ♪
♪ show you all the things I see ♪
♪ my favorite mexican bar ♪
♪ open every lit bright star ♪
♪ wish I could take your eyes so blue ♪
♪ my second-favorite part of you ♪
♪ probably looking at some other man ♪
♪ Southern gentleman steal your hand ♪
♪ and I stand up ♪
♪ and I keep the mouth shut ♪

Brown paw, over bullhorn: Number 69, 23, 2 and 13 are on latrine duty.

Report to me now or face punishment.

I repeat, report to me now or face punishment.

Okay, go.

Go, go, go, go.

Wait up. Tony: - Sorry, 'bbud.

Wait.

♪ Twisted off these mushrooms ♪
♪ pacing through some hushed rooms ♪

Hey, I think I got one.

Lookie here.

Score!

Abbud: Yo.

These don't look like psychedelic mushrooms to me.

Abbud: Come on.

If these don't make you trip, what's the point of the spots?

Hey, aren't some mushrooms deadly?

Maybe we just nibble first.

That's right.

Nibble, and then if you feel a buzz, say something.

Yeah. I mean, what's the harm in nibbling?

You getting anything? Abbud: Nope.

Tony: We got to try something else.

(Toad croaking)

Chris: Oh! Ah!

Come to daddy.

(Laughing)

I got one.

Please don't say what I think you're going to say.

I watched this tv show where these aboriginal dudes with their asses hanging out frenched a toad and got blitzed.

Oh, jeez. I'm not tonguing a toad.

No way.

Listen, Chris has a point here, all right?

Every man, once or twice in his life, needs to ask himself a question.

How much do I want to get high? Yeah.

A lot.

(Toad croaking)

Nothing.

Give me that.

I think you're supposed to lick its stomach.

Let me try that.

(Toad croaking)

It's not that bad, guys.

I think it likes you, abbud. Abbud: Why you say that?

Because he's got a boner, man.

(All laughing)

(Screaming)

'Bbud, you finally got a sexual response from something that's actually living. How cool is that?

(Screaming)

Oh my God, oh my God.

Chris: Where are you going?

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh God, oh God, oh my God.

(Screaming)

Let go of me! Get off me!

Easy, now, kidder. What's the commotion?

T-t-t-there's a guy in the woods.

Some psycho slasher guy.

He's got an a*, I'm telling you.

Okay, look, I'm going to help you get out of this using jungle rules.

Everything's okay.

Everything's fine.

You are safe, my brother.

Dave, quit slapping me.

And you're back.

(Laughing)

The wild: It gets you in different ways, does things to your head. And it's good, abbud. Okay? It's cleansing.

Nature, that's the trip.

How's it going, Stan?

I think my sphincter went into a spasm after those 'shrooms.

Bummer.

See, we really need that bud right now, so...

Well, watching me really isn't going to make things go faster.

Oh. Right.

(Laughing)

Um...

Might go see Tony if you're going to be a while.

Say hi to him for me. I'll just be here.

Bye.

(Snoring)

Jesus Christ.

(Tent fabric rustling)

Betty: Hi.

It's kind of noisy in my tent.

Yeah. Daisy snores like a drunk mule.

That's exactly what she sounds like.

(Laughing)

So.

Betty.

Come on.

We talked about this.

Why not?

Because you want something.

I just want to get to know you.

I don't do relationships.

Why not?

Because they suck. You're wrong.

I just want to go to sleep, if that's okay.

Whatever.

(Tent fabric rustling)

Relationships suck.

What's wrong?

Huh?

Ton, what's wrong?

Nothing, I just yakked, all right?

Something's wrong no, nips.

I just don't feel well.

No?

You never feel well these days, Tony.

It's just a phase.

I'm getting over it.

What?

The phase.

Hey, Chris.

If you love someone, what do you do about it, monkey man?

Look, abbud, I don't want you focused on love.

Let's review our earlier lesson: Target the sick and the weak.

Stop it, dude. I'm serious.

Me too. If it's sick and it's weak, I want you humping it.

(Sighing)

Go to sleep, dude.

sh*t.

I'm telling you, man.

There's someone out there.

(Chris mumbling)

(Screaming)

(Alarm blaring)

(Screaming)

Can someone stop that, please?

Brown paw, over bullhorn: Rise and shine!

Morning chow in 5 minutes, then quest of the courage pole.

Kids, today you take your lives to another level.

All: Nope. No, sorry.

No can do. Tea: - Absolutely not.

Chris: Sorry, Dave.

All: No.

Nobody leaves until they mount my pole.

Who goes first?

You. Go.

Well, I see it's up to a canadian to show you all that fear is merely a word.

I'll need someone to belay my safety line.

Someone who I can trust.

Someone who will share with me the spiritual contract of life.

Tina?

I have zero problem putting all of my marbles in your hands.

Chris: I'll do it.

I'll belay for you, Dave.

Okay.

Yeah.

♪

(Laughing)

Whoo-hoo!

I am high!

I am high and I am wild!

Here I am, nature!

I'm right here!

Come and get me!

Whoa. Hey, easy there, Chris.

You got to keep his safety line nice and tight.

Dave: Thank you. You got it.

Nice and tight.

Dave: Hear me roar.

(Screaming)

(Laughing)

Dave: All right.

I'm good, people.

How's that for a life metaphor, huh?

You can't let the unexpected-5

(screaming)

(Groaning)

Chris: Did I do that?

Tina: You're a bad boy.

Chris: Sorry.

Tina: Best thing that's happened since we got here.

We ever going to talk?

We're supposed to be friends.

What are we supposed to talk about?

Somebody asked me a question the other day.

They said deserted island, 3 chicks: Keira Knightley, Katy Perry, Megan fox.

Not who would you do, but in what order would you do them?

All 3 at the same time, a lot of whipped cream involved.

That is exactly what I said.
(Laughing)

Hey, guys. Guys.

Stan says he's starting to feel something move inside.

Just in time. Took him long enough.

I'm going to go help him out.

Help him out?

Let's get out of here, abbud.

You got it.

(Both laughing)

♪

(Laughing and chattering)

Abbud: Wow.

Beautiful.

I wish we could jump in.

Too bad it's full of migrating bird poop.

I don't care.

So how are the great outdoors treating you?

Could use a club and a few movie theaters.

(Laughing)

I thought you were looking forward to experiencing nature, abbud.

You want to see what I was really looking forward to?

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, sh*t.

Why did you do that?

Uh, I thought we had...

I thought we... look, what you want isn't how I'm built.

I'm sorry.

Trust me, sometimes I wish things were different.

I'm stupid, aren't I?

Maybe a little.

But I'm really stupid, so you're in good company.

Come on.

Stupid.

Dave: Oh, yeah, Tina.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

(Sighing)

Oh. Okay, yeah.

Lower, lower.

Yes, Tina, yes.

You know what, though? Little lower.

Okay. Tina, Tina.

This is primal pain, okay?

I need you to go nice and low for me, please.

You know what? There's creams in the medic pack.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

There are no rescue choppers or help coming.

Just going to have to sit it out, David.

Pain. Endurance. Fortitude.

I never felt so canadian.

You can leave the rest to me.

Thank you.

Dave: Thank you, Tina. Thank you.

Thank you for your hands.

Careful, care... ah, careful.

(Groaning)

Brown paw: I want you to listen to me.

(Knuckles cracking)

I want you to go to another place, David.

Another place in your mind.

(Dave screaming)

(Bones cracking)

♪

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You sure?

Because you don't seem okay.

You know when you can tell something's wrong but you don't know how exactly?

And...

(sniffing)

Do you smell that?

(Sniffing)

(Giggling)

(Both laughing)

♪

(Chanting softly)

Chris?

Hey.

Hey.

(People laughing)

This is really good grass.

Main reason we took this gig was the easy supply of bc bud.

How'd you guys meet?

Folsom. He was doing a nickel for a b&e and I was a guard.

(All laughing)

He had me at "bend over and spread your cheeks."

(Laughing)

Come here, bobtail.

Aw.

Aw.

Jack rabbit: Here.

Hm?

(Car approaching)

(Chainsaw whirring)

(Breathing heavily)

(Car door closing)

(Engine revving)

(Screaming)

(Tires screeching)

(Breathing heavily)

Where am I?

Tea.

Get off of her!

(Gasping)

'Bbud, I think you should go.

What?

What?

It's cool, man. Chill out.

Just go, okay?

Go!

g*dd*mn it, I didn't want any of this.

Tony: Was it any better that time?

No, Tony. No.

I think I did it to feel bad or something.

Or stop something else from happening.

I'm scared of all of it.

Having a girl I could love.

That's why I make it impossible.

What don't you get about being a lesbian?

Let me clue you in.

A key component is not hooking up with guys.

Especially a guy like Tony.

How could you do that to me?

I don't know.

We have some weird connection.

Aren't I allowed to not know what I'm doing?

You're a fake.

I'll forgive that one, 'bbud.

This is bullshit!

All right, just sit down before you get us both k*lled.

It's not that you won't sleep with guys, it's just me, isn't it?

Abbud, sit down.

It's just me, tea!

Abbud...

(screaming)

Abbud!

Chris: Abbud?

Abbud?

What happened?

Am I dead?

No, you just fell and went splat.

Nothing looks broken. You were lucky.

Don't feel so lucky.

♪ Life is unfair ♪

I'm sorry about... I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

(Sniffling)

I love you, 'bbud.

I love you too.

A lot.

I think we could get through that.

You're a lifesaver.

I know this ruins your fishing plans.

Oh, the fish aren't going anywhere.

Hey, I got a moose in the woods.

He looked kind of stunned.

Plenty a meat.

Left it by the shack. Cut and wrapped.

I couldn't run this place without you, mom.

I know you couldn't, biscuit.

Abbud! Abbud, I did it! I did it! I got the weed!

(All screaming and laughing)

Good job, Stan.

Good job.

Hold on. It might get a bit bumpy.

Tea: Bye, 'bbud.

Tony: See you, 'bbud.

No! No! Te'! Te'!

Michelle: Bye, abbud. Feel better.

No! No!

No!

Tea!

Tea!