1x07 - (US) Michelle

[bunniefuu]

You're gonna like this, Stanley.

I'm gonna do it with Michelle?

Who is dumb enough to jump Stanley?

Can I buy you a drink?

Michelle know you're here?

Why would Michelle care?

I love this song.

I love you, too.

What?

Everybody having fun?

I love you.

What?

I love you!

Huh?

I lo... I know you can hear me, assh*le!

Come on, let's go!

So what have you guys been up to?

Catching up.

Whoo, look at Monkey Man go! Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Let's do this!

Hey, Monkey Man!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Warren, come here!

Daisy! Daisy, come and dance.

Where's Stan?
I don't know.

He's acting weird these days.

Does he know she's back?

I don't know!

I guess she's playing hard to get.

What?
Hard to get!

Got that right.

Whoo!

Watch me! I'm going to score in 60 seconds.

Whoo!

What's he doing?

What is he doing?

The girl magnet.

Hey, get over here, Abbud!

So smooth, Abbud!

Give that back!

Hey, what are you doing?

Give that back!
It's got her number!

You assh*le! Stop!

Give it back!

Hey, Michelle, isn't this crazy?

Totally! Let's go dance.

Okay.

Go!

What?

Go get her. I dare you.

♪ I know you waited ♪
♪ All your life ♪
♪ And finally ♪
♪ You're here with me tonight ♪
♪ One hand tied behind my back ♪

Getting me in the mood again!
Come on.

Huh?

Take me home. I want to do it again.

All right, later, later.

Come on.

No, no, no, let's get a drink.

Come on. Let's go.

♪ I know ♪
♪ You waited ♪
♪ All your life ♪
♪ And finally ♪

Hey, Chris!

What's good?

Move!

Yo, Chris, let me get a hit.

Wait!

♪ One hand tied behind my back ♪

Oh, Dais'!

If I may say, your tits do look amazing.

You may not.
They always look amazing.

It's true.

Yo, Chris, man, you got any pills?

Yeah! All right, because I just want to get wrecked tonight, all right?

Just lose it.
You came to the right man!

That's what I'm talking about.

Are you okay?

Yeah, fine.

You want to go home?

I'm tired of people asking me where the wet t-shirt contest is.

No, I got to stay.

Well, let's drink.

Two most beautiful words in the English language.

What's good, man?

Hey.

Just so you know, you're leaning on against like eight years of piss stains.

Might want to move down.

Girl gave me her number.

Sweet, you going to call it?

Chris, what if you secretly had a thing for someone but it was so totally out of this...?

'Bbud, Tea's gay.

No, I know.

You sing about her when you're wasted.

I do?

Oh, sh*t! sh*t. sh*t.

Okay, stop thinking. Just call her.

Who?
The number, call it.

Hi!
Hi!

And welcome to 1-800-go jerk off, the 1 place for dumping losers who ask for your number.

So, guys, give it up.

Nobody wants you. Douche.

You d*ck!

♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Our little girl ♪
♪ Moved far away ♪
♪ aaaa ♪
♪ The old-fashioned way ♪
♪ Little girl ♪

Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Mom.

Hey, Jackson.

It's Jason.

Right, because Jackson is somebody else.

I got to get going there, animal.

Okay.

So you want to...?

Should I call?

Nope.

See ya.

See you, Jackson.

Ugh, I hate it when they're clingy.

Mom, how do you know when a relationship's gone wrong?

I usually step off the bus when they fart in my bed.

Lots of insight there.

Oh, come on.

It's a no-brainer.

It's cuts down on the complication and the smells.

Okay.

Um, did you remember to call a doctor about my birth-control prescription?

Baby, I can't think of everything, okay?

Go see him.

And go today, because I am not taking care of any babies.

Why would you start now?

Oh, whatever.

And tell the boy to lock the door behind him!

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Mom says lock the door when you leave.

I'm going to the doctor about the breast reduction.

Okey-dokey.

Everything's good.

Great.

I'm just curious.

Is this really necessary just to renew a birth-control prescription?

No.
Right.

That's what I was...

No, but you are here for a urine test, STD screen, pelvic exam, three... Three-month...

It's your... This is your mother's.

I have your... Wow.

What does she need a three-month STD screening for?

That is... That's private. I...

That's invasion of her privacy, Michelle so...

Anyway, always good to check under the hood though, okay?

Let's close up shop. Come on up.

And get you your prescription.

How is Jackson?

Jackson is a man my mom sees.

Jason, that is his...

Still my mom.

Jimmy... Jim...

Mom says he's born-again now.

Oh, born...

Well, hallelujah, that's...

Okay, I will be right back with that prescription.

I think my mom forgot the appointment.

Oh.

Well, then I guess we'll start.

Start what?

Explaining.

English, C; Pre-calculus, D; Chemistry, C-; French, B-.

I could continue but I think some of your teachers are a little in love with you.

Huh?

Why else would they be putting up with this bullshit?

I don't understand.

It's not like I failed anything.

"Michelle is a girl of exceptional ability.

"She should be directed towards academic programs with a view to the highest level of attainment."

That was your guidance counselor two years ago.

You want to tell me what happened here?

I guess I'm a disappointment.

That's right.

You are.

Maybe other things are more important right now.

Maybe.

1992.

Excuse me?

That was the year I stopped pretending to be stupid because I was pretty.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, you're a popular redhead.

Why would you understand anything?

And you probably have a smart, popular boyfriend who probably treats you a bit badly.

Stop me when I go wrong.

You don't want to do anything too well, because that would be too much for him and the people you drink and do dr*gs with.

You have a lot of sex, but that could just sometimes be boring.

And you wish people could see who you really are, which is someone who thinks and doesn't use their breasts as weapons.

I think that will be all, Michelle.

Give my regards to your mom, and tell her I look forward to meeting her.

And those shoes are too flat for that skirt.

You need some heels to keep the shape to your calves.

I'll do it! You don't know!

Chris!

It smells like gravy.

Ugh, well done.

What's up, 'Chelle?

Hey, Michelle.

Hey, Nips, how did it go with the principal?

You know, same old bullshit.

She's one crazy ice queen.

I bet her face doesn't move when she does it.

She's never done it.

Are you saying the principal's still a virgin?

Sure, she is, just like Dais' here.

Excuse me. Leave my vag*na out of this.

Yeah, but it's okay because you got the trumpet, right?

That's the only blowing you'll ever do.

Oh, now you've done it, Monkey Man.

Get off me, Dais'! I'm overheating.

You're always overheating.

Oh, yeah!

Dumbass.

Yo, check it out.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

So, ladies, we got a thing going on here?

Been spending a lot of time together, yeah.

A whole lot of time.

Whoa, you guys take pics or what?

Yeah, boys don't get pictures.

Oh, get him, Dais'.

Pervert.

Bring it on, ladies!

Hi, Dr. Westley?

Hey, Michelle, I just want to let you know I got your urine test results.

I'm sorry. Did you say "Urine"?

Yeah, remember we came in and that was your mom...

Anyway, you have a sexually transmitted disease.

It's called chlamydia.

I have what?

Chlamydia, it's very straight-forward.

Nothing to worry about.

Prescription, come in.

Bingo-bango, gone.

What? 'Chelle!

Oh, Nips, what are you doing?

'Chelle!

assh*le!

Let me go!

Chill!

Who have you been putting your dirty dong in?

You piece of sh*t!

Let me go! No, not right now! Not...

You don't want to talk about this now!

Easy!

You know the funny thing about seeing something for the first time?

You wonder how it is you never saw it before.

Who is it?

Who is it?!

Michelle.

Good job, Tony.

She'll be back.

Come on.

Got to be more careful, man.

It's 'Chelle. You don't want to mess with it.

You know what I'm saying?

What the hell did you do?

Come on. I want to go.

You upset everyone, don't you?

Michelle, come on. I'm sorry.

What for?

I'm sorry he's such a d*ck.

It's just Tony.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

No.

What does it mean, Daisy?

That he screws around.

Don't tell me you didn't...
Oh, no.

Spit it out, Dais'. Who are they?

sh*t. Now!

That girl, Rayna, double-jointed Monica, Mandy Overbite, Tracey with the braces, black Tracey, that rich girl from the choir.

Tabitha?

That skank!

He swore to me that he didn't!

And you believed him?

You all knew.

'Chelle, it's not like that.

Great.

Well, what are friends for, right?

We thought... We thought you didn't mind or something.

Really?

So did you do him too?

What? Don't be insane.

But he tried, right?

Newsflash, Michelle: He's not all that.

Go away.

Look... Just go away!

♪ In the end ♪
♪ We will hold on to ♪
♪ All that's in our heart ♪

Yeah.

♪ Don't be sad ♪

You're clever.

♪ Or be frightened ♪
♪ We don't need to part ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Love don't hurt us now ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Love can't hurt us now ♪

Go on. I'm interested. I really am.

♪ In the end ♪

I'm sorry I gave you the clap.

♪ We will hold on to ♪

Is that it?

I could try to explain it, but you would just...

♪ In our hearts ♪
♪ Don't be sad ♪
♪ Or be frightened ♪
♪ We don't need to hide ♪

Where were you?

I was asleep.

You could fix it, right?

I can fix anything.

You sure?

This is some serious sh*t, man.

Go say sorry like you actually mean it.

Can you manage that?

Who is it, Tony?

It doesn't matter who it is.

Yeah, it so doesn't matter.

That's why you can't tell me.

Stanley, this isn't the deal.

I don't need you for my conscience.

That's not your job.

I know you want her and everything, but let's just be honest.

You never had the balls and...

Are you all right?

Mom?

Mom, where...?

Ugh.

Come on, let's just pause this, okay?

Stay right there.

Think about The Lord of the Rings or something.

Come on.

Michelle!

What's your problem?

What's his name?

Rick. Pretty sure it's Rick.

What happen to Jason? Did he dump you already?

He's just out of town.

With his wife?

Maybe.

Why aren't you in school?

I thought I had the place to myself.

Hey, where'd you go?

Whatever.

Found out Tony was cheating on me.

He gave me chlamydia.

Oh.

Hey, I'm dying down here!

Yeah, I'll be right there!

Sweetie, it's just like a cold, okay?

You take some doxycycline, and it's like it never happened.

Mom, don't you get it?

I was in love with him.

I am in love with him.

Well, that's a big fat mistake right there.

What?

You're not in love with him, honey.

You're just a little over-dependent.

How do you know anything about...?

Don't ever let a guy get to you like that.

You want me up there? Is that it?

No!

It's not what they're there for, babe. Move on.

It's still pointing in the right direction.

You know what I'm saying?

Because moving on has worked so well for you.

Sure it has. No man tells me what to do.

Hey, babe, you going to get down on it any time soon?

And if he does...

Hey, Rick, uh, I'm going to take a pass.

We had a fun time, but I got to go now.

You're great, though, babe.

sh*t.

I'll text ya.

Bye!

♪ Put your arms around me ♪
♪ I feel like getting lost tonight ♪
♪ And now let your love surround me ♪
♪ It's time... ♪

I should have guessed that bitch Tabitha was screwing him.

Next thing you know, she's donated her vag fungus to me.

Right.

Everybody knows he's my boyfriend.

I mean, what kind of girl does that?

Dumb ones.
You got that right.

I'd say let's go in the tub, but I'm not really sure what's floating in there so...

'Chelle, give him another chance.

I think he was just confused.

I don't care.

I bet...

You know, I bet whoever it was feels like really ashamed.

Devious little b*tches are never ashamed.

I wish I was more like you, Tea.

You don't rely on guys ever.

Yeah, I'm renewing my vows.

You going to try with Betty?

I think I want to see if it's possible.

Well, let me know how that goes.

Make sure she isn't still seeing guys.

Right.

Look, Michelle, I should really go. It's getting...

I'm sorry. I know I'm being a buzz-k*ll.

It's just... I guess I'm bitter.

No, it's fine. I just...

You know, I wanted to come over, make sure that...

Thank you.

I love you, Te'.

♪ 'Cause you told me nothing... ♪

You know something, Ton'?

When I was nine, Stanley was my best friend ever.

Practically lived at each other's houses.

Showed him my ass once because he said he didn't have sisters, and wanted to make sure there weren't snakes down there.

And I thought, when I grew up, we'd be married and...

Like prince and princess.

And live in a castle with our horses.

Then you moved into the neighborhood, and, well, I didn't see him so much.

He was always with you.

And I figured I could take you away from him.

And that's when you got me, Tony.

That's when you got me.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Something's going to happen ♪

Hi, Stanley.

Hi, I thought you were...
Hi.

What happened to your face?

I... I fell.

Oh.

It looks kind of cute.

Thanks.

They let me out of the clinic. Isn't that cool?

That's... That's good, Cadie.

I wanted to say again, sorry I made you k*ll yourself.

I mean... That's okay.

I discovered that I'm grateful, Stanley.

I really am.

Oh.

Otherwise, how would I have met Warren?

Say hi to Stanley, Warren.

Stanley put me in the clinic.

Nice work, man. How's it shaking?

It's...

Warren's addicted to sports.

He has to be careful in case he gets too physically perfect.

It's harder than it sounds.

Anyway, what did you want to say?

Nothing.

Just, you know...

Just checking in because...

I never met anyone like you in my whole entire life.

Bye.

Tony.

Hey.

Hey, douche.

Ooh-hoo! Ow!

'Chelle?

I'm pissed, all right?

Everybody leave me alone.

Come on, 'Chelle.

You all go along with him.

And that's fine, okay?

Do what you want.

But little health warning, ladies: Man of the year over here, he's got some serious STDs he would just love to introduce to you.

I'm just saying.

Seriously, you need to put a sock on it, Tony.

I'm sorry, Nips.

She's going again, Daisy.

Well, stop her.

'Bbud!

Don't call me that.

Don't you ever call me that again.

You hear me?

That's fine.

Oh, now I get it.

'Chelle.

It was you.

Tea...?

Here's what you need for your pox, Tony.

Maybe you already got yours.

No, she wouldn't.

Betty, don't worry.

A girl can't give it to a girl.

You'd have to be trying, and I mean really trying.

assh*le!

Shouldn't you go after her?

'Chelle?

Don't you dare come near me.

Hey. Hi.

You weren't at school today.

Yeah, I... I have to rest.

Because of...

Because I fractured my nose.

Oh.

I tried to hit Tony and I missed.

I know you've been in love with me for a long time.

Yeah, but things have changed somewhat.

My nose.

I... My dad comes home about now.

Don't get shy on me now, Stanny.

Stanny? You just call me Stanny?

I used to call you that, didn't I?

Yeah, Stanny and Fanny, after you showed me...

Michelle, you're talking all your clothes off.

This has been waiting to happen for way too long.

♪ Friend, don't burn the day ♪
♪ Say your name ♪

I don't think we should...
It's okay.

I turn you on. I know it.

♪ The night's too long ♪
♪ So when we're sleeping... ♪

Oh, Jesus! Oh!

♪ Until the morning comes ♪

Did you just...?

S-sorry, you kind of surprised me.

Okay.

I have... I have some tissue.

Keep it close to hand, you know?

Yeah, I'm stuck.

Wait, Stan, careful.

Bed, bed, bed!

Let me get my hand out.

Okay. Okay.

I've been dreaming of this moment for like years.

And now it's over before you ever got to tie me up and lick caramel sauce off me.

Well, maybe technically you're no longer a virgin.

No.

I brought a condom so you didn't get my chlamydia, by the way.

You were always a caring person.

It was Tea.

Tony was doing Tea.

Tony's a d*ck.

I'm like a joke to everybody.

That is not true, all right?

You made me faster than Katy Perry ever does.

That's pushing it out there.

I mean, that's... That's performance.

I love you, Stanny.

I love your fanny.

Who wouldn't?

'Chelly, I only knew about Tabitha.

Why wouldn't you tell me?

I don't know, 'Chelly.

It just didn't seem like my place.

Your place?

I guess I just thought I never really counted.

That's not right is it? I count.

Oh, my God, go away!

Will you just listen to me for one second?

Why would I listen to a confused lesbian slut?

You don't understand.

Why does everybody think I don't understand anything?

Do I look that stupid?

Hi, Tea.

Hey, Jillian.

Haven't seen you for a while. Mwah.

Listen, why don't you talk some sense into this one, huh?

"Tony did this.

Tony did that."

Screw guys. That's what I say.

You say that a lot.

Right, well, I have a date.

Let's see if he gets lucky.

Hey, Michelle!

Mom, are you going on a date with our gynecologist?

Cuts down on the get-to-know-you.

That's gross. What about doctor-patient whatever?

Sugar, we'll see where ethics come into it after cocktails.

Nice to see you, Tea. Bye.

Hello, doctor!

How are you? You look lovely.

Why, thank you.

Well, this was fun.

I'm trying to tell you something.

You don't have to tell me anything, Te'.

You don't even like boys.

But that's the point. I just...

Don't you get it?

That's what makes it so bad.

Because you must have wanted something in his head, really bad.

And you just thought I was too stupid to notice.

Well, I noticed.

I don't have to stand for that, Te'.

I don't have to stand for any of it.

It's the first time I've ever seen you cry.

I'm ready to talk to you now.

Stan says he missed.

Yeah, good thing too.

He was really swinging.

Good old Stan.

Yeah, he's...

He's got a lot of love.

You and I are good together.

You know that?

I know it.

You love me.

No.

I can always tell when you're lying, because you bite the inside of your lip.

Tony? Do you think I'm smart?

I think you might be the smartest woman I'll ever meet.

So then you'll understand why I want you to leave now and never come near me ever again.

You love me.

You love me and I'll change.

I've already changed.

You need to leave.

So what was this?

We're STD compatible.

So this is it?

This is it.

Don't do this.

You love me.

I'm just too bright for you.

And so is she.

Good luck with all your sh*t.

Leave your keys on the way out.

♪ This is wrong ♪
♪ They love the life left ♪
♪ Once we're gone ♪
♪ I won't go back ♪
♪ I won't go back ♪
♪ I love this too much ♪

What is this place?

Chinatown bus. Haven't you heard of it?

No. Why is that?

I guess you don't run away too often.

No.

I like to when things get too crazy.

I go to Boston for the low price of 13 bucks.

That's pretty cool.

I figured you might like to duck out too.

Nobody bothers you on this bus.

So what do you say?

You ready to take a ride?