01x07 - Miss Magic Jesus

[bunniefuu]

We all want to please our fathers, and they, in turn, want to love us with all their hearts.

[Bob]

Today was the day of Miss Magic Jesus, and I couldn't help but wonder if there was something to this spiritual stuff.

I had made progress with Brick, Patty had stayed the course, and I was starting to think if I had enough faith, maybe Patty could actually win the crown.

[cell phone alert]

Noah's humble, but fierce protection of his family under such difficult circumstances [Bob]

And to top it all off, Coralee was finally reaching out.

Maybe Pastor Mike was right.

With God, all things were possible.

Nothing could go wrong.

Lessons on fatherhood are everywhere in Scripture, and we just need to open the good book to find them.

And tonight, we will choose the girl who best answers that question to become Miss Magic Jesus.

But first, let us praise him with song.

"O God, Forsake Me Not.

" [organ music playing]

O God, O God O God, O God O God [Patty]

Oh, God! Oh, God! I don't need to see anymore.

God!

- Did you take that video yourself?

- God, no.

I'm no pervert.

But if you don't want me to show it to Pastor Mike, I am gonna need Patty to drop out of Miss Magic Jesus.

So, not a pervert, just a blackmailer.

If I hadn't intercepted it, this video could have gone viral.

Patty's life would be ruined, and your coaching career would be over.

So think of me as your hero.

Save it, Bob.

You are not doing this for me.

No, I'm doing it for Magnolia.

Patty stole two boyfriends from her, made her feel like a loser.

Nobody messes with my daughter.

I've never lost anything in my life [scoffs]

And I lost two boyfriends to Patty Bladell.

What does she have that I don't?

32DDs.

But I bet she has stretch marks all over 'em.

Don't worry, our daddy's making sure she'll never do another pageant again.

He's not "our daddy.

" I told you to keep her away from liquor.

Cough syrup has alcohol.

It does?

But it tastes like candy! [sniffs]

Did my plan to blackmail Bob Armstrong work?

I talked to him.

He has an hour to tell me.

But it doesn't matter if Magnolia can't even stand up to compete.

Oh, she's fine.

Look.

Just slip these on here, prop her up like this, and Oh, okay.

See.

Hi! Oh, thank you.

Oh, I want world peace and, um, kitties for everybody.

You never should have sh*t that sex tape.

It completely sent Magnolia over the edge.

Daddy, I was thinking, if Magnolia's not keeping up with the Barnard image, I can.

With you behind me, I could go all the way to Miss American Lady.

Think of the headline.

Poor abandoned orphan gets adopted and coached to a beauty queen crown by the DA who threw her mama in prison.

Best pageant story ever! I'm not your daddy, you're not an orphan, I didn't adopt you, and this isn't about image.

Magnolia's in trouble.

She's having a crisis of confidence, and she needs a win.

[vomiting, coughing]

But first, she needs a shower.

A sex tape?

On the day of the pageant?

Are you kidding me?

Is it possible for you to have a single day without insane "let's blow up everybody's life" drama?

[Paty]

Now that I had Christian, I didn't want Bob to love me in that way, but I didn't want to lose his love as a father figure.

He was the first man who said he would stand by me.

I'm sorry.

I didn't Yeah, I am very, very disappointed in ya.

How did we look?

Get off my car.

Sorry, just asking.

Oh, my God, Bob.

You saw me Oh, I don't want to discuss it.

I just have to figure out what I'm gonna do.

I mean, I can't let Barnard show your father that tape.

Wait, if he shows him, I'm screwed.

I'm already on thin ice.

I mean, if my mom's willing to send me to jail I can't believe this.

I'm the only virgin in history whose life is about to get ruined by a sex tape.

Really?

Wait, how can you be a virgin if you two?

Oh Uh So there was no P in the V.

He just kind of made out with my Stop.

I saw enough to know what was going on.

Wait, if you didn't actually have sex, maybe it isn't a sex tape.

Wait, what do you mean?

We'll hit Pastor Mike with a legal precedent.

Or should I say "president"?

Clinton, that is.

He did not have sex with this woman.

It's all sex in the eyes of the Lord.



- But technically

- Sex is sex, Bob.

That's my ruling.

Please don't kick me out.

I didn't say you were kicked out.

All premarital sex is a sin, no matter how you slice it.

But kids your age, they're like geysers full of hormones.

The important thing is, Patty, you've confessed your sins and you've taken responsibility for your actions, and that shows me that your baptism has had a real impact on you.

And it's never gonna happen again, right?



- Patty?



- No.

Then I would say you embody exactly what Miss Magic Jesus is all about.

You can stay in the pageant.

[Bob]

It was a miracle.

Maybe the heavenly father was on our side.

[door opens]

But the devil wasn't through with us yet.

Stella Rose, what are you?

We had a judge drop out at the last minute, and Stella Rose graciously agreed to fill in.

Hello, Bob.

Is Roxy gonna be in the pageant?

Oh, no.

I already qualified for regionals when I won Miss Bareback Buckaroo.

She's just here to check out the competition.

I've never seen Magnolia Barnard in action.

Stella Rose suggested adding a new segment to the competition, Bible Trivia Quiz.

Now, I think this is a great way to set us apart from the secular pageants.

But we don't have time to study for Besides, any girl who's deserving of the crown of thorns already knows her Bible.

Pastor Mike, Stella Rose has a conflict of interest.

Years ago, she was my pageant mentor.

It did not end well.

She may give Patty a low score to try and settle an old one with me.

Oh, come on, Bob, that's ancient history.

Maybe you and I should go to lunch and see if we can put our differences behind us.

What are you doing?

Stella Rose obviously just came here to screw us.

She wants to screw me.

No.

This is between me and Stella Rose.

I am gonna try and convince her to back off and leave you out of it.

Hold on.

Look, what about the Bible quiz?

She obviously came up with that to stack the deck against me.



- I don't know d*ck about the Bible.



- [groans uncomfortably]

Maybe start by not saying "d*ck" and "Bible" in the same sentence.

Look, you are a straight

-A student, Patty.

You know how to do this.

Go home, lock yourself in a room, and start cramming for Christ.

[Bob]

The only way to get Stella Rose to back off was to make her believe she'd already won.

Sure, there was still hope for me and Coralee, but Stella Rose didn't need to know that.

All I am saying is leave Patty out of it.

You already got what you wanted.

You broke my heart, Coralee left me.

The only way to really break your heart is to get you out of the pageants.

Which is why I'm going to obliterate Patty.

Eating your feelings, Bob?

Aw Just like fresh manure.

[chuckling]

Ahem.

Bob Barnard.

The Bob Barnard?

This is Stella Rose Buckley, my pageant mentor.

Oh, you've mentioned her before.

I'm a last

-minute judge for the MMJ.

Oh, lucky us.

You know, my daughter's in the pageant.

Magnolia Barnard.

She's the one to b*at.

Not the only one.

Stella Rose brought her star coaching client, Roxy.

They are here to scope out the competition.

I need to get some ketchup for my tots.

What do you mean, "not the only one"?

Are you talking about Dixie?

Patty's still in.

We went straight to Pastor Mike and confessed about the sex tape.

He let her off with a slap on the wrist.



- [bell dings]



- [woman]

Barnard! Six hard wieners

- and an order of Ween Rings!

- Oh, that's you, Bob "Blackmail" Barnard.

[woman]

Barnard! I'm coming.

I heard you the first time.

[cell phone alert]

[Bob]

Roxy was Stella Rose's daughter?

I practically soiled my low

-rise Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

If Stella Rose was Roxy's mom, could I be her?

Who's Roxy's father?

I'm sorry?

She's going to the gym, Mom.



- Why didn't you tell me?



- It never came up.

Is she mine?

I did the math.

Twenty years ago,

- you and I

- Drop it, Bob.

This lunch is over, just like your pageant career.

Could it be possible that all these years I had another daughter and I never even knew?

[cell phone alert]

If Roxy was mine, any hope of saving my marriage would be a distant memory.

I couldn't speak to Coralee until I knew the truth.

Wakey

-wakey.

Drinky

-drinky.



- No, it's too hot.



- Snap out of it.

Oh! You could have popped out my veneers!

- Your what?



- The covers on my two front teeth.

They were all messed up when my mama found me.

They're shaved like shark teeth under there.



- Gross.



- You're gross.

Drink your coffee.

I'm not stupid! I'm smart! I know how to slice tomatoes, and I know how to wear a backpack.

Stop yelling.

Let me cool that off for you.

I'll be right back.

You know, at my house, we got these special little ice trays, and you can make ice cubes of all cute little shapes and sizes.

Oh, we got hearts, and we've got some stars and unicorns, and, um oh, we got balls.

Little balls, big balls, medium balls.

Here you go, sister.

We're not sisters.

You're right.

From now on, it's every Barnard for herself.



- I'm really glad you called.



- Mm.

Yeah, I wasn't sure it was going to happen.

I dialed up your number and hung up about 72 times.

Yeah, I know.

Caller ID.

[chuckles]

Relax, it's only a date.

I'm not asking you to shave your head, order the NFL package, and get a cat together.

Yeah, can we not call it a date?

[cell phone alert]

Hey, you okay?

Do you know the Bible is 1200 pages long?

Uh, cool.

Look, I know we haven't spoken since the confession, but I need your help.

They added a last

-minute Bible Trivia Quiz to Miss Magic Jesus, and I'm screwed.

Hang on.

Did you know they added a Bible Trivia Quiz to Miss Magic Jesus?

Yeah.

But I know that sh*t cold.

Nonnie, I'm freaking out.

Bob's already pissed at me about the whole sex tape thing, and I Wait.

What sex tape?

Long story.

I'll tell you when you get here.

Come over and help me study?

Please.

I'll be right there.

Sorry, I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

Patty needs me.

So, just to be clear.

Is this not a date because you wanna ease into the girl thing, or is it because you're still hung up on Patty?

You know what?

She can figure it out on her own.

That's my girl.

Uh Not "my girl," I mean

- Well

- Babe, relax.

It's just a date.

Sex tape?

This is my worst nightmare.

I know, which is why I called this emergency meeting.



- Will you help me out?



- Who's the guy?

I don't know.

But I do know that when teens act out, it is time to start looking at their home life.

So you're saying this is my fault.

Of course not.

You are a shining example of chastity and self

-control.

Look, it's not all on you.

What's Patty's relationship like with her dad?

I [sighs]

I don't know who he is.

And what was your relationship like with your own dad?

He ran off when I was in kindergarten.

And did your mom ever date?

Were there other men in the house?

She had a boyfriend.

Gordy.

Uh, he lived with us until I was 13.

What age did you start acting out sexually?

Fourteen.

Promiscuity, fairly common among young women who suffer from a lack of father

-daughter connection.

Now, if it were me, I would encourage Patty to lean into her positive male role models.



- If she had any.



- She does.

Bob is her godfather.

Encourage him to be as involved as possible.

And limit negative male influences.

Which means, whoever is on that sex tape, keep Patty as far away from him as possible.

Saul became the Apostle Paul.

[Patty]

When Nonnie blew me off, I reached out to Christian.

Who better to help me learn the Bible than a pastor's son?

Are you listening?

Mm

-hm.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I just can't believe Nonnie blew me off.

She's in love with you.

You don't feel the same way.

Things are bound to change.

Yeah, but we've been best friends since we were three.

She knows me the best out of anyone.

Maybe we should get to know each other better.

Stop.

This is how we got in trouble in the first place.

Bob's already so mad at me, and if I blow the pageant, it'll make it even worse.

We need to study.

I could just steal the quiz questions from my dad's computer.

Cheating in a Jesus pageant seems especially sinful.

If God can forgive m*rder then stealing quiz answers is no big deal.



- [knock at door]



- [Bob]

Hey! I rang the doorbell, but nobody What?

What is he doing here?

He's helping.

Give him a chance.

Christian has the inside track on what Pastor Mike might be asking on the quiz.

Inside track?

I hope you two are not cheating.

No, definitely not.



- How'd it go with Stella Rose?



- Complicated.

Christian, give us a minute?

Sure.

I'll go grab a soda.

I came to drop off your dress and the steamer.

You will need to de

-wrinkle your Sunday best dress yourself.

I have something I need to take care of.

Wait.

Are you blowing me off 'cause you're still mad at me about the sex tape?

'Cause I can do better.

Roxy is Stella Rose's daughter.

No way.

I think I'm her father.



- What?



- Roxy's 19.

The math adds up and it makes sense.

Stella Rose and I would make the perfect pageant girl.

You think Roxy's perfect?

But what about me?

This isn't about you.

Of course it is.

Today is the biggest day of my pageant career.

Yeah, and if Roxy's mine, this could be the biggest day of my life.

I have to get Roxy alone and find out what she knows before she gets out of town.

Can't you just, like, wait?

The pageant is just hours away.

If Roxy is mine, I cannot wait another minute.

Look, I know this timing is terrible.

I am sorry.

But I promise I will be back to do your hair and makeup.

[Patty]

If perfect Roxy was really Bob's flesh and blood, he would ditch me for sure.

Unless I could show him I was a real contender.

What was that about?

Steal the quiz answers.

What Bob doesn't know won't hurt him.

Now, we just need to make sure Magnolia wins.



- I'm not sure I can go through with it.



- You Now, you and I both know you wanna take down Bob Armstrong.

And the best way to do that is to make sure Patty loses.



- Now, I need the answers to that quiz.



- Why?

If Magnolia's unbeatable I still wanna give her every advantage.

She's my daughter.

Yeah.

You're father of the year.

So, what do you think of Masonville's signature food item?

More delicious than it should be.

Told you.

It's the cumin mayo.

Hey, hun.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Getting some food for the boys at the station.

What are you up to?

I'm having lunch with With Dee.

My name is Dee.

[laughs]

It's nice to meet you, Dee.

I'm Hank.

Hi.

Dee's a friend, a new friend.

Oh, you girls go to school together?

I go to Emory.

I'm just in town for the pageant.

We met at a coffee shop where I was drinking coffee with Choi who's a guy.

Well, I don't really care who you have coffee with, guys or girls.

Why don't I stay for a minute, get to know your new friend?

No, thanks, we're good.



- Or you could have Dee over for dinner.



- Dee has Miss Magic Jesus.

Nonnie, why don't you and I go together to support her?

Been a while since we had a daddy

-daughter date, and I would love to see your new friend compete.



- Nice to meet you, Dee.



- You, too.

See you tonight, hun?

You know he knows this is a date.

He was doing everything he could to let you know.

What?

That's not true.



- You could have just told him.



- No.

If I tell him, that means I'm What?

Gay?

[gasps]

Perish the thought.

I don't know that I am, okay?

But I do know that I'm not ready to open up that whole can of worms

-unless I know that this is, like

- a thing.



- Uh

-huh.

And when will you know if this is a thing?

Ask me after the date?

You're lucky you're cute.

[Bob]

Roxy's text said she'd be at the gym.

I had to find out what she knew about her dad.

But, because of my history with Stella Rose, it would be tricky to get her to talk.

Luckily, I was seasoned at questioning witnesses, so if anyone could get a confession, it was me.

I just had to find a way in.

Roxy, what a nice surprise! That I'm working out in the only gym in town?

Suck it, Bob.

Oh, sh*t! You distracted me, I went 15 seconds over my 30

-minute workout.

Now I have to Go to 40, 'cause you gotta end your workout on a zero minute.

Yeah.

How did you?

I have the same odd OCD thing.

Drives my wife and kids crazy.

That's nuts.

I've never met anyone else who has that.

[Bob]

Was it a happy accident, or evidence that she was the fruit of my loins?

I just found out that you're Stella Rose's daughter, and I wanna know who your dad is.

I have no idea who my biological father is.

I only found out Stella Rose is my biological mom a year ago.

She put me up for adoption, and I went searching for her when I turned 18.

She said my bio dad d*ed in an accident, but it was too painful to talk about.

Stella Rose might be a liar, but DNA always tells the truth.

Oh, sh*t! I just got called into the office.

Figures.

Didn't even break a sweat.

Let me get you a fresh towel.



- You made a sex tape?



- What?



- How did you?



- Pastor Mike told me.



- Does he know who the guy is?



- No.

It doesn't matter.

He's concerned.

And honestly, so am I.

Look, I'm not judging you.

I've been there.

When I was your age, I thought it was a badge of honor to have sex with a bunch of guys.



- It was just one guy, and we never

- And it ended up getting me pregnant, and not having an answer for you when you asked me who your daddy was.

And I think that's why you're acting like this, like me.

And so, I'm so sorry just for all of it.

[sighs]

I probably acted out 'cause my dad abandoned me.

So I thought, well, that's what men do, they leave.

Yeah, well, you were right, they do.

Bob abandoned me.

Today.

On the biggest day of my pageant career.

He thinks he might have a daughter he never knew about,

- so he's off trying to figure it out.



- Well, you can still win without Bob.

No, I can't! If I don't win Miss Magic Jesus, then Bob won't think that I'm the perfect pageant girl.

And then he'll blow me off and I'll never get to go to Miss American Lady.



- Patty, calm down.



- I can't.

I did something bad, just to make sure that I would win.

So there's nothing you can tell me that I haven't already done.

Have you ever?

Have you ever cheated?

On guys?

All the time.

No, on a quiz.

I just sent Christian to go steal the answers for the pageant Bible quiz.

Do you think I'm a horrible person?

[sighs]

I think you're an amazing person.

Which is why I don't think you should cheat.

If you cheat and win, you'll never know if you could have done it for real.

Don't sell yourself short just because Bob let you down.

Look, I was a straight

-D student, and I don't know d*ck about Jesus, but if you won't cheat I'll be your study buddy.

What do you say?

I say maybe don't say "d*ck" and "Jesus" in the same sentence?

[door unlocks]

[cell phone alert]

What are you doing?



- Why is my computer open to the quiz?



- I, uh I was curious.

Get out of there! Tell me the truth.



- You know I can tell when you're lying.



- I'm not.

I just No, wait.

Wait, don't.

Damn it.

Who is she?



- Who?



- Stop lying! You are stealing the answers for a girl.

Now we are not gonna have another situation.

Are we?

Dad, come on.

No, you come on! I have spent months defending you to your mother, insisting that you're a good kid, even after what went down in Brazil.

But she was right maybe you can't be saved.

Don't say that.

I just need another chance.

I am done defending you.

It's up to your mother now.

Magnolia! Where are you?

Drinking coffee.

Want a sip?



- Oh

- Hey.

Hey.

Dixie!

- Come here, sit down.

Sit down.



- Ugh

- Yes, Daddy?



- I told you to get her hydrated.

This is full of booze.

She must have gotten into the liquor cabinet when I wasn't watching! You know what they say, alcoholics always find a way.

Go get me the Alka

-Seltzer Plus from the upstairs bedroom.

Come on, Magnolia, this is your future we're talking about.

If you blow this, you could lose your sponsor, and then there goes any chance of a college scholarship.

Scholarship?

Since when are you worried about a scholarship?

I'm worried about my winner.

This isn't like you.

Hey, are you gonna let Fatty Patty steal this pageant from you too?

No.



- I hate that bitch.



- Good.

Then get your head in the game.

Here.

What's this?

The answers.

To the Jesus quiz.

I know what it feels like when the chips are down.

But we Barnards, we can always turn things around.

Sometimes all it takes is a win.

[Bob on voice

-mail]

Hey, it's Bob Armstrong.

Leave a message.

Bob, it's Angie, Patty's mom.

Patty tells me you're out finding out if you have another daughter.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're the closest thing Patty has to a dad, and I will not stand for her to be abandoned again.

So, if you don't get yourself to that pageant in 30 minutes, I'm gonna go full Mama Bear on your ass.

Bye.

[Patty]

The pageant was starting soon.

I couldn't believe Bob was still MIA.

Watch out, Miss Magic J.

We're here today and we're here to play.

[squeals softly]

Thanks, Dad, for your help.

I'm gonna go set up my station.



- How'd you get her to pull it together?



- Well, we had a come to Jesus.

What did he say?

He That That's not what that

- Ow.



- Ugh I'm sorry.

I'm just not used to doing this on someone else.

It's not your job.

Bob should be here.

He will be.

Hey.

I'm sorry I couldn't help you earlier.

Well, I'm glad you're here now.

I need my bestie to cheer me on.

She's cheering for me.

Dee is the girl I told you about, the one who asked me out.

Oh.

Uh So is this a thing?



- Yeah.



- It is?

Oh.

Um I thought our date went well.

But if you disagree Come on, let's set up my station somewhere else.

I don't like the energy over here.

[squeals]

It is about time Nonnie came out.

But I gotta be honest, I always thought she was in love with you.

[Bob]

Guess who?

I am so sorry, I should have been here earlier.

I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned on your big day.

Where were you?

Getting a DNA test for Roxy.



- And?



- Still waiting on the results.

I just wanna talk to you for a second.

I got your message, and I want you to know I would never abandon Patty.

I need you to promise me that if you're in Patty's life, she's safe.

Yeah, of course she's safe.

I want you to show up for Patty like you would your own daughter.

Come on, let's hot roll that hair and win this thing.

[Patty]

It was all about me, for now.

But what about when he got the DNA results?

I needed to show him I was just as good as Roxy, which meant I needed to win.

We'll journey together Your hand on my heart Whatever the weather A love so strong So long So hard O Jesus You fill me in every single way Sweet, sweet Jesus inside me I got you deep in my soul Deep, deep, deep in my soul Yeah! Oh, Spirit, please ride me Please, please, please, please ride me Deep, deep, deep in my soul Time to break it down, y'all [audience cheering]

Stone cold chillin', JC JC, just you and me Chill, chill, chillin', you see By the Sea of Galilee I got a notion That this motion by the ocean Is the potion I need I think you get the gist You the top of my list State of bliss Eucharist Swear to God I need a fix State of bliss, crucifix Thank you, Jesus, that's my mix That's my girlfriend.

And now for the second coming.

Sweet, sweet Jesus inside me I got you deep in my soul Deep, deep, deep in my soul Yeah! Oh, Spirit, please ride me Please, please, please, please ride me Deep, deep, deep in my Holy Father I think I love you [cheering]

[Patty]

The pageant seemed unwinnable.

Between Stella Rose being a judge, the Bible pop quiz, invincible Magnolia Barnard, and now Dee with her mad rapping skills Jesus better be deep inside me.

I needed all the help I could get.

[Bob]

That hat needs work.

It's too plain Jane.

You'll disappear on stage like a sinner on Judgment Day.

You liked it at the store.

Maybe if you were here sooner Hat, please.

Oh, hey, Patty.

Bob.

Oh, damn it! Roxy, what are you doing backstage?

All

-access pass.

Oh, that looks great, Bob.

Almost jealous you're not my coach.

Not even done yet.

He's really trying to focus, so You know, I thought Magnolia was the one to b*at,

- but now I'm rooting for you.



- Really?

Crushing you on the big stage at regionals would be super satisfying.

Good luck out there.

Did you hear what she just Oh! Now that is Sunday at its best.

Mm

-hm.

Now get out there and win! Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's now time for the Bible quiz in which our five finalists will put their knowledge to the test.

Ready, ladies?

Which prophet declared himself to be "a man of unclean lips"?

[buzzer]



- Patty.



- Isaiah.

Correct! [applause]

Second question.

What lost item did the prophet Elijah cause to float to the surface of the Jordan?



- Magnolia!

- An a* head!

- Correct!

- Micah! Samuel! Wild gourds! Joel! Correct.

Did you see that?

Magnolia kicked my ass.



- Something's up with her.



- It's only a third of the score.

You'll be fine.

You just gotta nail the interview.

Remember what we talked about, find a way to bring up the Resurrection.

If anyone understands a second sh*t at life, it's you.

What is going on with your phone?

Oh, sorry.

I'm just waiting on the DNA results.

Bob, what if I win?

That would be amazing.

What if I win, and Roxy's really your daughter, and we both go to regionals?

Who will you root for?

I guess I'll root for both of you.

You can't.

Only one of us can have the crown.

[Mike]

Please welcome back our finalists for their last interview questions.

[light applause]

[Patty]

Bob didn't even know if Roxy was his daughter, and he was already giving her all of his attention.

I thought he would always be on my side.

But maybe I was wrong.

[Mike]

final round of competition.

There can only be one winner of the Crown of Thorns tonight.

Only one of you can represent the tenets of Miss Magic Jesus.

So, let's dive a little bit deeper into your relationship with the Big J.

Each of our five finalists will step forward and answer the question: How is Jesus inside of you?

Jesus is the greens in my salad.

I eat him with every meal.

He's my superfood.

Oh, kale

-no.

When people body

-shame me, Jesus is the cheerleader on the inside of me, chanting, Dee, Dee, listen to me Don't listen to that rot Your body is rockin' Your body is hot Jesus is my drug of choice.

He gets me high.

With him, I can fly.

I breathe the Lord in and I am focused, free and totally me.

Jesus is like my inner personal trainer.

He inspires me with his perfect abs and his rockin' hair.

God help us all.

Patty, how is Jesus inside of you?

I never knew my dad.

He abandoned me before I was born.

And I've, um been looking for someone to take his place ever since.

I thought I'd found the perfect father figure, someone who would stick by my side, always.

Now I'm not so sure.

I don't know if Jesus is inside me but I do know his father never abandoned him.

Well, maybe for, like, a second on the cross.

But then he was resurrected three days later by the Father.

I mean, that's pretty much the greatest dad moment, like, ever.

So if Jesus, or God, or the Holy Spirit can be a father that never abandons me I'm all in.

[Patty]

I was in the top three, which meant I could actually win.

And the winner is

- Magnolia Barnard!

- [squeals]

Yes! Yes! [Patty]

Sure, I was first runner

-up, but second place was first loser.

Everything I had worked for was over, everything.

Of course Magnolia won.

She had a father, one that was always there for her.

I never even thought about doing pageants before Bob.

And if I couldn't count on him, then what was the point?

Patty, I am so sorry Save it, Bob.

I would have won if you had actually shown up for me.

Bob Armstrong.

You got the DNA results?



- I quit.



- Patty, wait.

What'd you find out?

[Patty]

Bob was supposed to be my godfather, responsible for me for the rest of my life, but he couldn't even make it through Miss Magic Jesus.

My mom was right, I couldn't count on any man.

[knock at window]

Christian?

Hey, what are you?

My parents are done with me.

They wanna send me to m*llitary school.

So I'm skipping town, tonight.

Of course you are.

Everyone leaves.

I want you to come with me.

Seriously?



- Where?



- Hollywood.

I wanna go to the Whisky, the Rainbow Room, see where Van Halen played, g*ns N' Roses.

Oh, my God.

Maybe I could meet Drew Barrymore.

Patty I promise, if you come with me, I will never, ever leave you.

It's late, Bob.

What do you want?

Answers.

Roxy is your daughter.

Did you know?

Yes.

Now so do you.

I don't understand.

When did you and Stella Rose?

When you ended things with her 20 years ago, she tracked me down and seduced me.

But why would she?

She wanted to get back at you for breaking her heart.

What better way than to sleep with a guy you hated since high school?

[stammers]

Hate is a strong word.

Oh, come on, Bob, everybody knows you hate me.

It's as much a part of you as your dad belly.

She was gonna throw our affair in your face, till she got pregnant and her plan bit us both in the ass.

I wasn't about to let it ruin my marriage or the Barnard name, so I paid her to keep quiet.

And to put Roxy up for adoption?

Well, that was her choice.

How'd you find out?

I thought she might be mine, so I ran a DNA test.

Luckily for me, you're the DA and your DNA's already in the system.

How much is your silence worth?

Oh, God.

Not everyone has a price.

Maybe you just need a win.

I found this Magnolia's things.

It's the answers to the Jesus quiz.

Magnolia cheated.

If the pageant board found out, she'd be disqualified.

Patty was the first runner

-up, she'd get the crown.

I can't.

[stammers]

Magnolia will be devastated.

It's just a pageant.

If anyone finds out about Roxy, it'll blow up my entire family.

[Bob]

Was he doing it to be a good dad, or to protect his political career?

I didn't care.

All I could see was the crown.

Come on, Bob.

You know Magnolia's already struggling with dr*gs and alcohol.

I'm trying to protect her.

If she finds this out it could send her over the edge.

Now, you You wouldn't wanna be responsible for that.

She won! Magnolia got disqualified, and Patty is Miss Magic Jesus!

- Come on, let's go tell her.



- She's gone, Bob.

What?

Where?

Where is she?

Well, I wish I knew.

I just went to her room to check on her and I found these.

[screaming]

Daddy! Daddy, come quick! What is it?

Hey, Mags.

Baby, wake up.

Wake up, baby girl.

Call 911 now.

Don't worry, Daddy, we'll get through this as a family.

Dixie, call 911 now! Now! Hey, sweetheart, you gotta wake up and look at me.



- [line ringing]



- Come on, baby girl, look at me.

I feel like Drew Barrymore in Guncrazy.

Guess that makes me James Le Gros.

Wait, you know that movie?

No one knows that movie.

You are blowing my entire mind.

Then I guess this is fate.

We were meant to be.

[cell phone ringing, vibrating]

What was that?

Anything important?

No.

Nothing at all.