02x09 - Ladybomb

[bunniefuu]

Please... Please let me go.

I can't.

Not until we take care
of the problem at hand.

What do you mean, the problem?
What have I ever done?

You ruined my happily ever after
with the Bobs.

With the Bobs?
What are you talking about?

They're my destiny.

It was love at first sight.

Bob...

you're beautiful.

I knew we were meant to be,
from the first time I saw them kiss.

After that, I followed them everywhere.

I kept trying to introduce myself.

...do as a gay couple not
involving go-go boys and strobe lights.

No! No! No!

What if one of those big,
beefy bear-men followed us home

to try and force us to double-team them?

A boy can dream.

Roxy, what are you doing here?

But I kept getting cockblocked.

And then you were the biggest
cockblocker of all.

I couldn't figure it out.

What did you have
that they both wanted so badly?

Except it turns out...

you didn't.

Bob, it's not gonna work.

It's time to choose.

But...

if I choose,

either way I lose.

Well, if you don't choose,
you're gonna lose us both.

I can't.

You had actually done me a favor.

They were both so heartbroken,
I could finally make my move.

First one Bob,

then the other.

I was getting so close.

But then you got pregnant
and ruined my plan.

If they find out about the baby,

you might all end up back together.

No! No, I don't wanna get back
together with them.

You don't have to do this.
You do not have to k*ll me.

Oh, I'm not a m*rder*r.

I'm making you get an abortion.

What?

No, this is not your decision to make!

Sorry about that.
This has been a little last minute.

I had to separate my medical tools
from my taxidermy stuff.

Okay. This is a bad plan.

When I get out of here

and the Bobs find out what you've done,

they're gonna hate you forever.

Not if I get them to fall in love with me
before they find out.

That's crazy!
They're gonna come looking for me.

Then I guess it's a good thing
I'm texting them from your phone.

"Need a break from all the drama.

Good luck at the debate.

I'm taking a much-needed vacay."

Text me when it's done.

At least with Coralee gone,
I finally had a quiet place to think.

I was running out of time.

Thank God you are here!

The debate is today,
and I need my campaign manager!

Listen. You absolutely positively
have to b*at Bob Barnard.

- I know.
- No. If you lose,

- he's gonna drain Gator Bog.
- Yeah, I wish I had thought of that.

That Law & Order, that is a real platform.

There are bodies in that swamp, Bob!

Bodies of men.

What the hell are you talking about?

I had to protect Patty,
which meant fudging the truth.

When I was in Brazil, I accidentally got
two kilos of coke in my tits,

and some drug lords came to get back
their product

and, long story short, I k*lled them.

What the hell? Was it genetic?

Okay, I did not understand a word of what
you just said. You k*lled people. How?

If I told him I used his g*n,
he might cr*ck under the pressure,

and I needed him to win.

With their machete.

Patty wasn't there, was she?

Oh! No, Patty was not there.

She had nothing to do with it.
Didn't know anything about it.

As long as you win like you're
supposed to, she's never gonna know.

But...

Come on, Bob! I'm finally
in a good place with her.

I cannot let her watch me go to jail.

You have to win. Please!

How? I don't have a platform!

What are you talking about?

- The debate is in two hours.
- No sh*t.

Okay!

Okay, come on.

Uh...

Okay. We can do this. Um...

What are you good at?

I don't know!

Applying concealer.
Matching pocket squares to ties.

I mean, how the hell is Mr. Makeover
going to compete with Mr. Law & Order?

I think I have an idea.

I had gotten out of prison
and had come home to the crown.

I couldn't think about death
or destruction or prison.

I had to focus on my future.

I was facing
the biggest pageant of my life,

and I didn't have a coach.

So, I called in reinforcements.

Thank God you're here.

My mom left me $10,000
of her titty money,

and we have to go shopping
for Miss American Lady.

Oh, my God. What's wrong?

Nonnie, are you okay?

I didn't get into John Jay College.

I got the letter this morning.

Nonnie...

I'm so sorry.

My life is over.

I'm single. I have no future.

Hey, that's not true.
You can apply somewhere else.

I can't.

They somehow found out
I bribed your attacker

into telling me who paid him off, so...

now my ethics are in question.

- Oh, my God. This is all my fault.
- No, it's not.

It was my decision.

I messed up my own future.

But yours is still bright.

So let's go shopping.

- Miss American Lady.
- No.

You sacrificed your dream to protect me.

Which means, for once, my dream can wait.

Today is about you.

Whatever you want to make you feel better.

A ghost tour of Atlanta?

So much for leaving
death and destruction behind.

But Nonnie loved horror movies
like I loved Drew Barrymore,

and this was Nonnie's day.

Welcome, boys and ghouls,
to the Ghost Tour of Atlanta.

My name is Jade.

I'm Patty. This is Nonnie.

Is it just the two of you?

Uh, yeah.

Great. I love an intimate group.

Don't worry. If you get too scared,
I'm here to protect you.

Ladies first.

Whoo!

Dude, she's totally hitting on you.

Dude, she's totally just doing her... job.

No, dude. She's flirting.

See? Your life isn't over.

I don't know.

Look...

I can't get you into college,

and I can't fix your broken heart,

but I can teach you all about using
outside validation to numb your feelings.

Come on!

Let me be your wing woman today.

Let's get your groove back.

The first stop
is the ghost of Marietta.

Ooohh!

"As a former prosecutor,
y'all know my stance on law and order.

It is the crux..."

Ready to crush Bob Armstrong
at the debate?

Honestly, I'm nervous.

I never thought Bob could win,

but he's been rising in the polls
ever since his dad decided to back him.

Remember what you used to always
say to me before every pageant?

"Barnards never lose."

I miss those days.

Me too.

Especially being in front of an audience.

You could be...

today.

I'd be a lot less nervous
if you were up on stage with me.

Okay.

And what if Brick and I
did some magic tricks at the debate?

Like a halftime show? It'd be great
promotion for our YouTube channel.

Yeah...

Unless it's weird for you
that Brick's my assistant.

Oh, it's fine.

It's not Brick's fault his dad's a tool.

Let me make some calls.

Yay! Thanks, Dad.

You're the best.

Hey, I haven't seen any of your videos.
What are you calling your channel?

Literally Black Girl Magic.

I like it.

Literally Black Girl Magic.

That's my girl.

Ready to order yet, Ostrich?

I'm an emu, you dumb bitch!

The deadliest bird on Earth. Now piss off.

Oh, oh, hey!

Hey, you!

Over here! Yoo-hoo!

Leave me alone, Ostrich.
I'm lookin' for my friend.

It's me.

And I'm an emu.

What's with the costume?

I'm still on the lam.

I've been hiding out at a Furry Convention
the past couple of weeks.

Hot.

You'd think, but there's a reason
they hide in cute costumes.

I can't believe
you broke out of prison, girl.

I'm so proud of you.

You always told me,
winners win at any cost.

So let's go win back our Tampoozle
money from that C-word, Coralee.

I wish there was money.

I needed to find Dixie
and buy back her love.

There's no cash to get.

Coralee's barely moved any product.

Then let's go steal back the product.

Oh, girl!

My cousin's sister-wife owns a whole mess
of those rest stop vending machines.

She'll buy our inventory, cash up front,

and sell 'em up and down
the Georgia coast.

That's a good idea.

The Atlantis is the oldest
cemetery in the state.

Fun fact: Margaret Mitchell,
the woman who wrote Gone With The Wind,

was almost buried here twice.

She's definitely out of my league.

Stop that. You're just as much
of a catch as she is.

Cozy up to her.

Compliment her.
Show her you're interested.

I can't. I have zero game.

Game can be learned.

Up ahead is where, in 1937,

nine-year-old twins Roy and Sara Kagan

walked in...

and they never came out.

Their bodies were never found,

but their spirits still haunt this place,

angry their parents never looked for them.

People say...

sometimes the twins' favorite red ball
shows up in the graveyard.

Should we take a look?

Go, go. Now's your chance.

I'll stay here! I'm too scared!

Christian's phone.

While Nonnie was off chasing ghosts,
mine were threatening to catch up with me.

"Earth to Christian!
Please let us know if you're alive."

I'm not alive.

Am I?

Bet you wish no one was looking
for me, like those twins.

You're not real. You're not real.

"Hey, sorry for ghosting.

Money is tight.

Had to shut off my phone
and go off the grid.

LA is dope. I think I'm gonna
stay out here for good."

You can't keep texting my parents forever.

I just got out of prison.

I'm not going back because of you.

Patty!

Look what we found!

- The twins' red ball!
- Great!

Is it time for lunch?

It's time to debate!

Hello, Masonville!

I'm Bella Danvers, the proud host

of Masonville's longest running
morning show,

Good Morning Masonville, and it is a good
morning because you are in Masonville!

But today, I'll be moderating
our mayoral debate

in anticipation of tomorrow's election.

I'm happy to say that two white men
are running, which...

...I find refreshing.

Do you really think
we came up with a good platform?

I hope so.

Otherwise, I can end up behind bars.
No pressure.

Thanks, Ang. Real encouraging.

You want a pep talk?

...intellect, integrity
and leadership skills...

You have done more for my daughter

in the six months you've known her...

than I did in 18 years.

In a lot of ways,
you're a better parent than I am.

You're strong. You're loyal.
You're resilient.

If those voters see half the man
that I see,

you're gonna win by a landslide.

Angie...

Also, if you need, like,
a little extra help...

Are you crazy?
You could get us arrested,

and Brick is coming! Put it away!

Uh... Are you sure it's a good idea
to put it next to your stitches?

I bought two for one coke tits
and k*lled a bunch of drug dealers.

I think the good idea ship sailed
a long time ago, Bob.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I was looking for Mom.

Oh... Mama's taking some time away.
Didn't she tell you?

No.

Rudy should be here by now.
Hope nothing's wrong.

And without further ado,

please welcome candidate Bob Armstrong,
joined by his son, Brick!

And candidate Bob Barnard,
joined by his daughter, Magnolia!

I'm happy to report the candidates'
children will also be performing

their magic show
during today's halftime break

because what goes better with
small town political debates than magic?

Okay.

As is custom here in Masonville,

we will be using Swiss rules
for the debate.

Just a reminder,

the opening statement can't exceed,
but must be at least 20 minutes.

If either candidate shouts out,
"Round the horn,"

the other candidate will stop speaking.
The first candidate gives a rebuttal.

This opens the floor to a spirited round
of Rebut the Platform.

If you hear this sound...

...it's the bonus round
where answers must be under ten words,

with no more than four adjectives.

If either candidate speaks over the other,
you'll hear this...

That means the offending candidate
must go in the penalty box for 60 seconds.

And that's just for the first half
of the debate.

In the second half,
as is tradition here in Masonville,

we have a few more things to keep in mind.

Okay, sweetheart.

Almost ready to get started.

Whatever he's paying you,
I will double it.

Just please let me go.

g*dd*mn it. There's the other one.

The other one?

Who else was he holding?

How the hell was I going to get out?

All I had were my high heels,

the Tampoozle in my pocket,
and my press-on French tips.

Oh, come... come on!

Damn it! Come on!

And absolutely no high fives,
wedgies or yodeling.

And those are our rules.

If at any point you need a reminder,
don't hesitate to use your handy guides

available at your podiums.

Okay. The candidates
will rock, paper, scissors

to decide who presents
their opening statements first!

And begin.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

Tie! Try again.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

Rock, paper, scissors...

- sh**t!
- Jesus Christ.

I knew the Bobs
still loved each other.

I just needed a way to remind them.

I'd lure them here, broker a peace,

and then they'd love me
for getting them back together.

But first, I needed to practice.

Guys,

I think we might all be a little heated
from that debate,

but I think it's important to remember
the history between you.

Between all of us.

I imagine we all have a lot to say, so...

who wants to go first?

What me?

No, you... What? Oh!

I'm sorry.

No, you go.

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

That's it. No more scissors.
Just rock, paper. Go.

Rock, paper, sh**t!

I'm thinking of a number between one
and ten. Whoever's closest goes first.

Pick a number.

- Five!
- Five!

Okay. We're going alphabetical.

Mr. Armstrong, please give
your opening statement.

Please.

Now, I know a lot of you must be asking

what does an attractive, suave,

intelligent, stylish bon vivant
have to offer me as mayor?

Who cares? He ain't runnin'.
What do you have?

Well...

as a lawyer slash pageant coach,

it is my professional opinion

that Masonville needs a makeover.

And who better to do that
than yours truly?

I took an average girl from Masonville

and turned her
into Miss Georgia American Lady

and future national champion.

Didn't Patty Bladell go to prison?

That's right.

Yes.

But she was falsely accused,

exonerated completely, and now she's out.

And I believed in her,

through all of her trials and travails,

proving my loyalty and dedication.

Which means,

when you vote for me,

I will do the same for you.

Gator Bog, where we dumped
those drug dealers?

This was turning into
a tour of the ghosts of my past.

Why are we here?

Oh, oh, I know!

The swamp's haunted.

Legend has it, a cult of gator worshipers
sacrificed themselves here.

Sometimes you can still hear
their screams.

Oh, sh*t.

Why so edgy?

I...

I'm just scared of alligators.

Oh, don't be. The gators are gone 'cause
global warming. Have been for years.

No gators? That meant
nothing to eat the bodies.

This could actually be the last time
I take anyone by this spot.

If Bob Barnard wins
the Masonville Mayoral Election,

- he'll drain it and build a prison.
- What?

Haven't you been following the election?

No. I've been in prison. Remember?

Excuse me for a second.

Drain the swamp?

I had to talk to my mom right away.

sh*t! No cell service.

So...

Yeah. Global warming.

Everything's gonna be smokin' hot!

I feel like it already is.

Hey! Stop!

Where are you going?

Did she just steal my car?

She's been through a lot.

Your girlfriend's a piece of work.

She's not my girlfriend.

Okay.

Come on.
There's a gas station up the road.

We can get cell service there.

And that is why you should vote
Bob Armstrong for mayor!

And now for Mr. Barnard's opening remarks.

As a former prosecutor,
y'all know my stance on law and order.

It is the crux of a civil society.

And as such, I'd like to go on record
that I maintain a...

certain standard of behavior.

Something Mr. Makeover chooses not to do.

Oh... No... Oh...

Excuse me! Excuse me! Uh...

What do we say? Round the horn?

Not during opening statements.

No, it's all right.
Please let my opponent speak.

Last time I checked, this is America

where we are free to throw dollar bills
at anyone we like.

Well-hung runaways
with daddy issues included.

Unless my esteemed opponent

is protesting same-sex relations,

which I can assure you,
from first hand and mouth experience,

is pure hypocrisy.

I'm an out gay man, Bob.

There's no one less h*m* than me.

Now, if we could please continue
watching the video in question.

All right, pause right there.

Therein lies the problem.

It's called capitalism.

Big deal.

It's actually called employing
an undocumented worker.

That stripper is here
illegally from Canada.

I'm an American stripper,

and Armstrong helped
that filthy Canadian take my job!

Boo!

Boo!

No!

No!

Okay, this seems like a good time
for intermission.

Brick Armstrong and Magnolia Barnard,
would you like to take the stage?

I am so sorry.
I had no idea he was gonna do that.

Are you sure you're still up for this?

I'd rather be on stage
than dealing with drama back here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Literally Black Girl Magic.

m*therf*cker.

No way!

Sorry about that. I was just
trying out the anesthesia...

New plan!

You let me go, and I don't blow you up.

How in the hell are you gonna blow me up?

I pull the tassel pin,

count to ten, and you go boom.

That's a tampon.

What kind of tampon has a tassel?

This is a ladybomb.

A pocket-sized and discreet
expl*sive device

that I've been developing to protect
women from assholes like you.

Five times more effective than mace
and pepper spray. Patent pending.

You're bluffing.

Only one way to find out.

Ten,

nine,

eight...

Well, seven, six...

It's gonna blow!

Five...

Three,

two,

one.

sh*t! It was a g*dd*mn tampon!

Stella Rose?

- Coralee?
- What the hell are you doing here?

- Just help me!
- Okay, where's the key?

Okay. I'm coming.

How did you end up down here?

That sick bastard found me in the woods
and kept me tied up like this for months.

Callin' me Mama, putting on makeup,
giving me sponge baths.

It was like Kathy Bates in Misery!

Only not as hot.

He would've k*lled me if... Oh!

What is it?

Okay, you just sit there
and I'll find something for you to...

Much... Maybe... this.

- Okay.
- What are you doing here?

He tried to force me to get an abortion,
which I still might get,

but I'm not gonna let a demented assh*le
make that decision for me! Here we go.

- Okay.
- Careful!

Okay, easy. I got you.
We're gonna get out of here.

He's coming.

It was a tampon, you bitch!

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Mama! Where are you, Mama?

Gotcha!

Don't.

You're not a k*ller.

There's better ways to handle this.

You fucker!

Okay.

I'm stuck with this maniac for months,
and you outsmart him with a tampon?

Bob chose the right woman.

Thank you, Stella Rose.

And thank you for saving me
from myself back there.

You're right. I'm not a k*ller.

If you really want to thank me, leave.

And please...

don't tell anyone you saw me.

I need a fresh start.

Shouldn't we get you to the hospital,

or find a way to call the police?

No. No, you go.

I've got business to attend to here.

I said you weren't a k*ller.

Not me.

Hey! Where have you been?
I was getting worried about you.

How could you do that to Bob?
Throwing him under the bus like that.

You're ruining everything!

What are you talking about?
He's my opponent.

You care about him. You need to apologize.

Apologize? Whose side are you on?

I didn't want to be on a side.
I wanted to be in the middle.

Let's talk about this after the debate.

I booked a room at the Halfway Inn.

See you there?

I'm rooting for you.

Where the hell was Angie?

I hated that I was letting her down.

Knock, knock.

- How's my favorite candidate holding up?
- Rudy, what are you doing here?

I wanted to check in with you
after what just happened out there.

Why?

Because it was a low blow.

I can't believe Bob would do that to you.

And why do you care?

Ever since that day in the steam room,
I haven't stopped thinking about you.

- Really?
- Really.

I booked a room for me and Bob
at the Halfway Inn for after the debate,

but after the stunt he just pulled,
I don't think we're gonna work out.

It'd be a shame to let the room
go to waste.

Why don't you meet me up there?

I'm rooting for you.

Okay.

Here. Take this.

Or I will.

Now, what the hell
was Detective Cruz doing here?

- Does he know something about the swamp?
- No! He was hitting on me.

Bullshit.

Barnard sent him in here
to mess with your head.

You think?

Yeah! He's playing dirty!

And now you've gotta play dirty, too.

You have to, or I'm going to jail.

Haven't you and Barnard known
each other since you were kids?

You must have something
on that man-groomed douche nozzle.

I dunno. He's got pec implants?

There's nothing wrong with implants, Bob.

He cries every time he comes.

Didn't need to know that.

He calls Kevin James
the funniest man alive...

Oh, my God! He eats potato chips so loud.

It is like... It's flames...

- Bob, come on!
- Flames...

I need something juicy, you know?

Like Watergate or Wienergate or Pizzagate.

He can't be as perfect as he seems.

He's not.

Oh, my God. You have something.

No, it's nothing we can use.

Bob, please.

- No, I can't.
- We have...

I made him a promise
that I would never tell.

Mom, how could you not tell me
that Barnard was draining the swamp?

Patty! What are you...

Patty knows! You said she didn't!

Of course I know! You knew?

Uh... I had to tell him.

What would Bob think of me,
now he knew I k*lled again?

Did you tell him about the g*n?

- What g*n?
- Your g*n.

That I used!

To k*ll those men.

My g*n? Oh, my God!

I did not give you my g*n
to k*ll drug dealers!

I know. I should've told you,
but I was trying to protect you.

What in the hell is going on here?

I am sorry that I lied, but...
And now you know!

If...

If you don't win,
we could both go to jail.

We could all go to jail.

So I'mma ask you again.

What kind of dirt do you have
on Bob Barnard?

He paid Stella Rose hush money

to keep his paternity to Roxy a secret
for the past 20 years.

Are you kiddin' me?

Why would Coralee ruin her own product?

She didn't.

Look at this place split down the middle.

They were at w*r.

Bob did it!

Regina! Are you okay?

No! g*dd*mn it!

Oh, I'm so sick of that fucker
ruining everything!

You mean Dixie losing

and you going to prison
and losing your house?

Bob Armstrong ruined my entire life
since I was eight!

We were friends, best friends.

He was the only person who knew
I still wet the bed.

And then one day we got into a fight,
and he told everyone!

And after that day,
my whole life went to sh*t!

I became a pariah at school.
We had to move!

My parents got divorced,

and Mama started whorin' around
and got syphilis and lost her mind.

I was all alone.

Until I stole Dixie.

And then she lost that pageant,
and he started to ruin her whole life too.

And I tried taking him down,

but he just keeps on keeping on!

Well, f*ck him then!

Where's the bathroom?

Wait! What are you doing?

I'm gonna teach him a lesson,
prison style.

I'm gonna give him an upper decker.

Don't. Trust me.

Oh, I got something better
in mind for Bob.

I've been planning it for quite some time.

On second thought, do whatever you want.

I'm gonna go get the car.

Halftime is almost over.

Could I really do what I was about to do?

Ruin Bob Barnard forever?

But maybe this is what he deserved.

It was true, after all.

Just a ghost from his past,
come back to haunt him.

Ta-da!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much,
Literally Black Girl Magic.

And now for the final
portion of our debate.

Would Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Barnard
please return to the stage.

We all just saw the candidates'
children performing together,

which leads me to ask, Bob Armstrong,

how important is family to you?

Bella couldn't have
lobbed me a better pitch.

All I had to do was swing.

You know, Barnard and I,
we both have families.

And...

I think...

that family values...

are subjective.

Just say it.

It's a great responsibility

to have a child, and...

everyone handles that differently.

Grab some sack and go for it,
you chicken sh*t!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Angie could go to jail!

You could go to jail!

Everybody makes mistakes.

As parents,

as people,

as parents of people...

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Bob Barnard has been paying
hush money to...

Let her speak!

Stop muzzling that woman!

Yes!

Boo!

It had all backfired.

Armstrong would lose,
Barnard would drain the swamp,

and how long before they found out
I k*lled those guys?

We were all going down.

Where is Rudy Cruz?

What the hell? Coralee?

He kidnapped me and then tried
to force me to have an abortion!

Abortion?

She's pregnant!
Who's the father?

Detective Cruz, you're under arrest!

Come here!

Okay.

I did it for you, Bob!

I did it for you both!

I was waiting until later
for my romantic gesture, but...

I guess this is it!

I love you... both!

And I want us all to be together.

Baby...

put down the g*n.

I love you too.

I do.

And I am sure that we can make this work.
Isn't that right, Bob?

Uh, okay...

You see?

It...

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm gonna faint.

- No! Don't you faint!
- Oh, no. Here I go.

- Damn it!
- No, no!

Neither one of you, g*dd*mn it!

Snort this! Now! Snort it!

I wasn't sure
what I was gonna do.

But after hours of watching
Patty's capoeira rehearsals,

I guess I'd picked up a thing or two.

Armstrong! Armstrong!

Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong!

Armstrong! Armstrong!

Armstrong! Armstrong!

Armstrong! Armstrong!

Armstrong! Armstrong!

Armstrong! Armstrong!
Armstrong! Armstrong!

Thank God, it's here!

Well, at least on the bright side,

Patty texted you
so you'd know where it was.

And you get to keep your job.

Yeah, your friend's a real saint.

Look, I'm so sorry.

About all of this.

No. It's okay. I...

I actually had a really fun time
with you today.

Me, too.

So can I, like,
take you to dinner or something?

- I'm starving.
- Yes.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Is that an ostrich?

- Is that yours?
- This is Patty's purse,

but this isn't Patty's phone.

Who's that?

Her stalker ex-boyfriend, Christian.

But why the hell would Patty
have Christian's phone?

It seemed like
Bob was a lock to win

and locking lips with my mom.

Weird, but also kind of sweet.

Maybe my mom and I could both leave
the ghost of our pasts behind.

Boo.