01x02 - Magic b*ll*ts

[bunniefuu]

Salt chicken?

How spicy does it say it needs to be?

Uh, it just says spicy food.

I assume the spicier,
the better, though.

It must stimulate something in
your body to bring the power out.

- What can I get for you?
- I'll have the spiciest thing on the menu.

No.

I... I have a large bottle
of sriracha mayo at home.

I think I can handle some spice.

[PANTING]

Well? Feeling anything yet?

- I just can't feel my legs.
- This can't be right.

What else do they recommend?

Uh, long walks, castor oil, sex,
stimulation of the nipples...

[CARRIE] Kash, you're looking
at how to induce labour.

No, I'm not. Oh, how
dilated is your cervix?

Milk. Need milk.

["MY BODY'S MADE OF CRUSHED
LITTLE STARS" PLAYING]

♪ I'm not doing anything ♪

♪ I'm not doing anything ♪

♪ My body's made of
crushed little stars ♪

♪ And I'm not doing anything ♪

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [LUKE] Jen?

Oh, hey. Hey, what's up?

- You all right?
- Who, me? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

What you got there?

Wine, condoms, Pringles.

Date night? [CHUCKLES]

No. No, it's none of my business.
I don't need to know. I don't care.

Basically, as soon as you leave
my eyeline, you're dead to me.

You're sweating a lot.

No, I'm not. [SNIFFS]

All right. Well, I'll
see you around then.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe not.

You shouldn't buy that milk. It's open.

[SIGHS]

[INTERCOM DINGS]

[GROCER, ON PA] Sweaty, young lady.

You've got to buy the
milk before you drink it.

♪ Does confidence look good on me? ♪

♪ Does confidence look good on me? ♪

♪ Look good on me ♪
♪ Look good on me ♪

♪ Does confidence look good on me? ♪

♪ Look good on me ♪
♪ Look good on me ♪

♪ Does confidence look good on me? ♪

♪ Does confidence look good on me? ♪

I've tried to do the research
about what brings powers out,

but it's all anecdotal.

You'd think, after ten years,

there'd at least be some
decent peer-reviewed studies.

Where are all the peers?

What do the anecdotes say?

Common themes crop up.

Fear, anxiety, stress, adrenaline.

Oh, yeah. Adrenaline is where it's at.

Life and death, right?

Russian roulette, diffusing bombs,

- or we could just push you off a bridge.
- [DOOR OPENS]

[ANGELA] Oi! You can't spend your
shift chatting with your mates.

This is a place of
work, not a discotheque.

He's a paying customer.

Look, he's buying a bunch of dumb
sh*t for his superhero costume.

It's actually a vigilante costume...
Uniform. It's not a costume.

We're talking about how
people got their powers.

Oh, in that case, park yourself.
I've got a yarn for you.

Picture this.

Come back here early from a
trip to the wholesalers in Penge.

I walk into the stockroom to
find my husband, of years,

giving it to Raquel.

Well, I'm screaming. He's screaming.

Raquel's crying. It's
all very stressful.

Then bang!

They look at me like I've got two heads.

Turn to look in the mirror. There's
a little girl staring back at me.

Sounds like stress is a
good place to start then.

Just don't do it on company time, yeah?

Big smiles for the customers.

I know what to do.

[SHOUTS]

What?

It's gonna be a surprise.

You are gonna hate it.

Okay. All right. f*ck me up.

I want you to promise me
you're not gonna run away.

[SCOFFS] Carrie, I'm not
five. I'm not gonna run away.

- [JEN STRUGGLING]
- Come on.

- Jen!
- No, I hate you.

Hello, have you got an appointment?

f*ck you.

[CLEARS THROAT] Jen Regan. . .

Okay. Jen...

I don't think I can do this.

- Do you want a power or not?
- I do. I really do.

- Who's a brave little bitch?
- I'm a brave little bitch.

- You can do this.
- I can do this.

- [RECEPTIONIST] Jennifer Regan.
- Okay.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES]

Can you hear that?

The ominous music?

Yeah.

I keep telling reception to
warn people before they come in.

It's my power.

I make people generate their
own soundtrack around me.

I'm going to assume you're
afraid of the dentist?

[SCOFFS] No.

Shall we get started?

[OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SALESPERSON ON PHONE]
Prices start at £ , .

- Three grand? It's just a billboard.
- Yeah.

Well, it's so big. Gloss is expensive.

All right, okay.

Oh, what if I put it up myself?

- [SALESPERSON SCOFFS]
- Mm-hmm.

Yourself? With what?

- PVA.
- I can't see that working.

No, I do think that
would work, actually.

- No! Don't put me on hold, Diane.
- ["THAT'S THE WAY (I LIKE IT)" PLAYS]

[PURRING]

[YOWLS]

♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ When you take me by the hand ♪

[HUMMING]

[PANTING]

Hello?

♪ ... all your love ♪

♪ And do it, babe... ♪

Not cat.

Man.

♪ Oh, that's the way... ♪

- [LINE RINGS]
- [DIANE] We've got...

[SCRATCHING]

Look, Diane, don't try and
upsell me on gsm gloss, okay?

This isn't my first rodeo.

Well, you don't wanna
skimp on the high gsm.

[INDISTINCT]

Uh, one minute.

[JIZZLORD PURRS]

- [MEOWS]
- [YELPS]

[DIANE, ON PHONE, INDISTINCT]

[JIZZLORD MEOWS]

Oh, what about a charity discount?

Yes, my charity number is .

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Right, let's take a look.

- [SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING]
- [VOICE MOANING]

[VOICE CLIMAXES, MOANING STOPS]

I am so sorry.

[SMOOTH JAZZ STOPS]

Well, the good news is
you have quite nice teeth.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

No, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

The bad news is we're going to have
to do quite a few fillings today.

- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

All right, I can't listen to this.

I'm going to give you
something to help you relax.

Valium. It will alleviate your anxiety.

No. No, no. I need to be
anxious. I need to feel the fear.

Suit yourself.

[GASPS]

[GULPS]

[KASH, ON WALKIE-TALKIE]
Viper to Unicorn. Pick up.

Update status on Jen. Should
I initiate Plan B? Over.

No. Plan A is in progress,

and I actually think
it's going quite well.

So, over.

No. Can I initiate Plan D later? Over.

What's Plan D?

It's your d*ck, isn't it?

It's my d*ck. Over.

Yes. I am ready for Plan D.

Meet me at hundred hours. Over.

[GASPS] My angel! Hi.

Did it happen?

Did you get a power?

I've had one this whole time.

- Power of friendship.
- [RECEPTIONIST] She's been given Valium.

So you're going to
have to take care of her

for the next three to four
hours before it wears off.

Initiate Plan D... B!
I mean Plan B. Over.

You know who's under-rated?

Simon & Garfunkel. Just two lovely boys.

[CAR APPROACHES]

[TYRES SCREECH]

[IRISH ACCENT] Get up! Get up
now, you big English bastard!

- Am I the bastard?
- Do as I say, and I won't kneecap ya!

- So I won't.
- What are you doing?

Shh. I'm conducting a campaign of
terror on the mainland. So I am.

Hit the boot, would you? Hit
the boot for a united Ireland!

- Get in!
- [JEN GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

- Who are you supposed to be?
- [NORMAL] I'm being a t*rror1st.

What's more stressful than
being kidnapped by a t*rror1st?

Why the IRA? Why not, like, al-Qaeda?

f*ck. That would've
made a lot more sense.

What now?

Uh, get lunch? I'm starving.

Oh! Right. Yeah, let her stew in
there with her thoughts for a bit.

Nothing worse than the
fear of the unknown, right?

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

Ignore? You can't ignore me.

It's Luke. Do the thing.

- [BEEPS]
- Oh. Hi, Luke! Lucas!

Is that short for Lucas?

I don't even know your name... Did
you ever tell me your actual name?

Love, I feel... [CHUCKLES]

I have a lot of feelings about you.

Number one: horny.

Number two: love.

Is it love? I don't know, but...

Oh, you make me feel
special, and I like that.

And I hope it's real.

But, Luke, you don't go
on outside dates with me

or introduce me to your friends.

And that just makes me feel bad.

But i-is that normal?
Do I want too much?

What is love?

Also, you have such a pretty cock,

and it's like, you know, we don't
tell men this enough. You know?

Like, they have body-image issues too.

- Cheese and tomato.
- Yeah.

- Smoked salmon and cream cheese.
- Okay.

- Egg and cress.
- Yeah.

- Ploughman's.
- Mmm.

- Tuna mayo.
- Mm-hmm.

- BLT.
- Mm-hmm.

- Reuben.
- Mmm.

Bagel?

Is a bagel a sandwich?

Well, it's carb, filling, carb.

Well, if you say that, then a
croque monsieur could be a sandwich.

Yeah, a croque monsieur is a sandwich.

How dare you?

Who are you? Like, right?

I wanna know you.

I wanna know your security
questions. You know?

Like, what street did you
grow up on? Or, like, what...

- [RUMBLING]
- Oh!

All right. Chill out.

Or, you know, like, what's
your mother's maiden name?

I wanna know the names
of your dead pets.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.

- A burger is just a sandwich.
- Mmm.

- Oh, my God, Carrie.
- What?

That pigeon's got a whole croissant.

[CARRIE] Oh, my God.

I know. Look at him go.

The car. The car!

Oh, right.

♪ Wise men say only fools rush in ♪

- ♪ But I can't help... ♪
- [PHONE RINGS]

Oh. One minute, I've got a
call coming through. Okay.

Oh, hey, girl!

Jen, are you okay? Don't panic.

I love you. Everything's
gonna be okay. Don't panic.

Why would I panic?

You're stuck in a boot.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, yeah.

Jen, I want you to listen
to me very carefully.

Go to messenger and drop
me a pin of your location.

Okey-dokey, there we go.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

You sent me a picture
of Phillip Schofield.

I did? Oh, let me try again.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

It's the same picture
of Phillip Schofield.

Well, then I don't know
what you want me to do.

Just drop me a pin so I
can come get you, Jennifer!

[JEN, ON PHONE] Ooh.

I'm in trouble.

When we get the car released,
don't mention Jen's in the boot.

Just play it cool.

Uh... uh, one... one little
thing, that's Mum's car.

Okay.

Uh, and technically, uh,
I'm not allowed to drive it,

uh, because I don't have a licence.

Oh, God.

I don't wanna go to jail.

Sure, I'll get ripped,
make friends for life.

But how am I gonna
explain the gap on my CV?

Relax, it's our property.

There's nothing dodgy
about what we're doing.

We don't need to hide.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Jen, are you in there?

Hey! What are you guys doing here?

We've come to spring you out.

Okay. Sick.

I haven't got the key.

[CARRIE] You do have the key.

You have so many pockets.
How do you not have the key?

No, they're not there.

Uh. Uh, l-let me check again.

- They're not there. Oh, God.
- Well, how long till the Valium wears off?

They said three to four
hours, and it's been exactly...

[WHISPERS] ... four hours.

Oh. I guess we have a little longer.

[JEN] Get me out of this f*cking
boot! Don't do this! f*ck!

Let me go! Let me out! Let me out!

Why you f*cking closing me in?

Oh.

Jen. Little hiccup,
we don't have the key.

What do you mean you
don't have the f*cking key?

Get a key ring, you dumb bitch.
They sell them everywhere.

Oh, my God, I'm really sorry.
I'm very stressed right now.

Stand back, ladies.

- [KASH GROANS]
- Oh.

I assume whatever he
did, didn't work, yeah?

- Jen.
- [GROANS]

We're gonna need some
brute force to get you out.

Someone strong.

No. No... No way.

Do you have any idea how
smug she'd be about it?

She'd be all like, "Well, well, well."

[LAUGHS]

She's not a panto villain.

Well, well, well...

Are you okay in there?

Get bent!

Okay, well, I guess
you don't need my help.

I'll f*ck off then.

No, no, don't. Don't get bent.

I'm more than happy to help
you out if you ask me nicely.

Let me out, please.

We can be nicer than that. Can't we?

Something like,

"Andy, please save me from my
own monumentally stupid choices

because I'm a powerless loser
with thin, lifeless hair."

Andy, please save me from my
own monumentally stupid choices

because I'm a powerless loser
with thin, lifeless hair.

Don't!

You little sh*t, I'm
gonna f*cking k*ll you.

I just saved your life. I'm a hero.

It's okay. You're out now.

Thank you, Andy.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Jennifer!

- Jen! Jen, we're here.
- Jennifer!

Why did you bring Mum here?

How, and why, in the name of
God, did you get stuck in a boot?

I don't need to explain my life to you.

Yes, I can pay for it, Mummy.

- Carrie, can I borrow £ ?
- Yeah.

You could've suffocated!
Thank God Andy was there.

It's not airtight, and Andy was
only there because I called her.

I wasn't in so much
life-threatening peril

that I couldn't use my phone.

Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Don't be real.

So weird though. The boot lid
was gone when I borrowed it.

- I left Luke a voice mail.
- I'll call you back. It's all kicking off.

- Who's Luke?
- Her f*ck buddy.

Oh, sorry, Mary. Uh, her fudge buddy.

Oh, that sounds worse.

No. Fix it. Use your power. Like,
delete it or recall it or something.

- Well, where is it then?
- No.

No! Press the phone button, Mum.

Oh, Christ! I think
I'm calling somebody.

Okay, look, voice mail. There.
Now click the voice mail.

It's written there in plain English.

- Look, just click it!
- [SPEAKER BEEPS]

[JEN, ON SPEAKER] ... dates with me
or introduce me to...

Don't cast it to the car, Mum!

But is that normal? Do I want too much?

- f*ck!
- I don't know how I'm doing this!

Also, you have such a pretty cock...

- [GRUNTS]
- [SPEAKER BEEPS]

[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.

Why don't you just spam
him with something else?

Distract him, and he won't
look at his voice mail.

Andy, stop.

Oh, my God. That's a really good idea.

Yeah, okay, what could
I possibly send him

that could, um, distract him that much?

Even I know you should send him
a dirty picture. Jesus Christ.

["WHIP IT" PLAYING]

Not now.

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

[PHONE WHOOSHES]

♪ cr*ck that whip ♪

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

♪ Give the past a slip ♪

[PHONE WHOOSHES]

What do you think? Full show?

[PURRING]

- ♪ When something's going wrong ♪
- ♪ You must whip it ♪

♪ Now whip it into shape ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

- What the f*ck?
- I'm not a man, I'm a cat.

No, no, no. I-I'm a man,
not a cat. I'm a man!

[GASPS] Oh, my God. You can see me.

You can see me. Please help
me. Please... It's okay.

Ow.

[GASPS, SHOUTS]

[SHRIEKS]

What's going on? We heard screaming.

I've got my power.

- I've got magic tits.
- Oh.

Cat sees my tits. Cat turns into man.

My tits turn cats into men.
It's pretty straightforward.

Maybe it's all animals.
We should go to the zoo.

[JIZZLORD] No! I-I'm a man! Just a man!

I-I'm a shape-shifter. I
think I got a bit stuck!

Well, that is what a cat would say.

What if he's telling the truth?

Oh, Jesus.

You can see me.

You can see me.

What's your name?

Mmm.

No idea.

Where are you from?

I don't know.

What do you remember?

I remember I went to
the... the building place.

The chairs thing.

It's like, um, child prison.

- Oh, school?
- Yeah.

Yeah, and I went somewhere
every day, so I must've had a...

It's, like, sadness but money?

- A job?
- Yeah.

And then cat.

Until a few days ago.

Then, boom. Man.

Then cat again. I think
I'm good now. I'm "stablay."

Do you mean stable?

I do, yeah. Words come bad to me now.

Oh, my God. I had sex in front of you.

Oh, sex! I remember
sex. It's good stuff.

So, you're a pervert?

I don't think so.

Uh, what's the last thing you
remember before you went cat?

Oh, boy. Um.

School, job, something, something,

Spurs b*at Arsenal -
at home, then I think cat.

Something, something. Now.

Wait. Go back.

Something, something.

No. [GROANS] Jesus Christ.
Spurs b*at Arsenal...

- at home. Yeah, I remember
that. Why do I remember that?

- It's probably the last match he saw.
- Yeah, yeah.

I hope not.

How long do you think you've been away?

Long time. Few weeks maybe?

That match was three years ago.

All right. I've ordered an Uber.

For who?

- Kash.
- You can't do that.

What, are you just gonna drive
him out to the countryside

and abandon him?

No, I can't afford to go that
far. I'm sending him to Ilford.

I took him in. I can't
just chuck him out again.

He's my responsibility.

He's only here till he
figures out who he is.

Then we fob him off on
someone who actually knows him.

- Fine.
- Fine.

He stays out of my room.

What now then?

I don't know. Suppose I can
get rid of the litter tray.

Or do I get a big one?

No. Do you want me to keep
trying to make you afraid?

Carrie, if that didn't
shake a power out of me,

I don't think anything will.

Do you think my power
could still be tit-based?

%. Yeah.

To me, they're pretty
powerful as they are.

One's a bit more powerful
than the other. But...

I'll make your powerful tits some tea.

[CELLPHONE BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

["CROWN ON THE GROUND" PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BARKS]

Just wanted to make sure.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ You never doubted it ♪
♪ You're so proud of it ♪

♪ You straight shouted it ♪
♪ You sold out of it ♪

♪ You couldn't care less ♪
♪ You're like a kid, yes ♪

♪ You think it's endless ♪
♪ Endless, endless ♪

♪ You think you started this ♪
♪ It doesn't bother us ♪

♪ No clue about it ♪
♪ No, you never knew about it ♪

♪ You need the spotlight ♪
♪ You need to sit tight ♪