01x01 - When the Doorman Is Your Main Man

[bunniefuu]

♪ We face the music together ♪

♪ And throw our hats
in the ring ♪

♪ Facing all kinds of weather ♪

♪ And not afraid of anything ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ When the sun comes up,
we'll be on our way ♪

♪ And we don't care
where we land ♪

♪ And the waves are high,
but we won't turn round ♪

♪ 'Cause your hand
is in my hand ♪

♪ And, oh-oh ♪

♪ You make me feel invincible ♪

♪ 'Cause it's you and me ♪

♪ Through the wind and hail ♪

♪ Setting sail into the world. ♪

♪ ♪

Okay. Oh, gosh.

This was great.

Do you want to kiss me good-bye,
here, now?

Um, yes.

I-I was gonna walk you
to your door.

- Oh. -'Cause you live on the
corner, right?

Yeah, but that's okay.
You don't even have to.

You could just do it here.

Why? What-what, is your dad
waiting outside

- with a shotgun or something?
- Oh, kind of.

What?

No.

- Uh-huh.
- No. It's, uh...

- It's Guzmin.
- Ah.

Yeah, he's from Albania.

- You know, he grew up in a labor camp.
- Right.

- His parents were political activists.
- Oh.

- They were arrested when he was a kid.
- sh*t.

You know, I-I feel like you're
not taking this seriously.

Who the hell is Guzmin?

That is Guzmin.

Your doorman?

No, he's more than a doorman.

It's-it's very hard to explain.

He's become a...

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God, no.

- Don't do that, no.
- Why not?

- Come on.
- No.

I-I wouldn't do that.

Is it important to you
what he thinks?

No. Oh, my God, no.

No, I'm an independent woman,

and I don't need anyone
to help me make up my mind.

Okay.

All right, I better go.

- What?
- Yeah.

Here's your taxi.

- Let's go.
- What? Wha...

I had a really great time
tonight.

Um, do you want
to do this again?

Yes, I...

- Yeah.
- I mean, I loved talking to you this evening.

I'm free tomorrow night.

- I'll call you.
- Okay.

Um...

Good night, Guzmin.

Who was this?

That was Mark.

I did not like him.

Save it.

He is not for you.

He is a weak man
with no self control.

How can you tell that
from 30 feet away?

You learn a lot about a man

through the scope
of a sn*per r*fle.

- He will not be calling you.
- Oh, yeah.

He absolutely will
be calling me.

Ever. He will never
be calling you.

God, I looked
so good tonight, okay?

I was so funny.
I was scintillating.

I wore my fig perfume,

which is apparently
impossible to resist.

I mean, do you...
do you want to bet?

I cannot bet on a certainty.

It is against my principles.

Good night, Miss Mitchell.

♪ ♪

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Feeling frisky.
I'm feeling frisky.

Okay.

He will not be calling you.

He will never be calling you.

f*ck you.

Any news from Mark?

No. No, I haven't even checked.
I don't...

It's not my whole life.

- Have a good day, Miss Mitchell.
- Yep. You, too.

Damn it, Guzmin.
You're good.

♪ ♪

So,
you review books for a living,

and you live in a building
with a doorman?

Yes. The apartment has been
in my family for years,

so the rent is stuck
in the '80s.

Plus I'm a really fast reader.

So how many books
can you read in a week?

Oh, sometimes I read one a day.

- What?
- Yeah.

So does that make you,
like, really bright?

No. I just know a lot of facts.

I'm like a Wikipedia page
with legs.

Yeah, well, I'm lucky
if I read one a year.

Sorry.

Yeah, but...
you're good-looking.

I can't have both, right?

Smart and so good-looking.

- Yeah, okay.
- It's not a fairy tale.

Thank you for seeing me home.

You're very welcome.

Oh, I like that.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

So, is this
a "your place or mine" moment?

What's up?

You know what? Mine.

Yeah?

Yeah. What the hell?

Ah.

- Good evening, Guzmin.
- Miss Mitchell. Good evening.

Good night.

♪ ♪

Ted.

Ted?

Ted?

Damn it!

Gugmin. Morning.

- How's it going?
- Morning.

Another day, another dollar?

You're back.

With bread and croissants?

You beautiful British bastard.

Morning, darling.

Just popped out
to get us some breakfast.

Oh, yeah, sure. Of course.

Yeah, come on up.

"Good morning, my darling.
Morning..."

- Didn't you get in, my darling?
- I don't like him.

- What?
- Teddy.

- You met him for 30 seconds.
- Even that was too long.

Okay, well, he's perfectly nice.

All right, it's probably
a cultural thing.

You're way too hard on people.

Guzmin, you have to stop
failing everyone

- that I bring home, okay?
- He is empty-headed.

You are a very bright woman
with a PhD.

I'm only thinking
of your interests.

Please give him a chance,
all right?

He is very polite,
and he is, he is sexy

and he is accomplished

And he is in the apartment.

- Croissants?
- Have I been ever wrong?

Okay, this is getting weird.
He's right here.

- Who are you speaking to?
- No one. Bye.

- Hi, Ted. Good morning.
- Hi.

- Was that, uh, Gugmin?
- Guzmin.

- Yeah, that security guard.
- The doorman.

Right. He seems like
such a nice chap.

We had a right laugh downstairs.

You know,
he's just super friendly.

Oh, yeah?
You had a right laugh?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

♪ Don't be a sl*ve ♪

♪ To whatever people say ♪

♪ About you
on your wireless page ♪

♪ Seize the day ♪

♪ Dorian Gray ♪

♪ When you're running
for cover ♪

♪ And your heart's
about to cr*ck ♪

♪ What I'd do ♪

♪ To be you ♪

♪ And up comes your number ♪

♪ And you know
you've had enough ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody wants ♪

♪ Somebody to love. ♪

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Good evening, Miss Mitchell.
- Hi, Guzmin. How are you?

No complaints.

What did you read today?

- Tell me an interesting fact.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay. Um, do you know
where the term

"flash in the pan" comes from?

Gold prospectors.

Seeing a flash of
fool's gold in the sieve

or a musket flash
that doesn't sh**t a b*llet.

- Am I right?
- Yeah.

That's-that's exactly it.
Yeah, you're right.

I didn't know that.

You look different.
Did you change your hair?

No. How different?

Something has changed about you.

Oh, well, uh, yeah,
maybe I'm a bit sad.

Why a bit sad?

Isn't Mr. Ted
gracing us tonight?

No. Actually, we broke up.

I am so sorry.

He was a flash in the pan.

Right. Yeah.

Your instincts are
very spot-on, Guzmin.

It's sort of uncanny.

Where I'm from,
you learn to read a man.

Well, if you could
bottle that up

and sell it
to young American women,

you wouldn't have to be
a doorman anymore.

I'm very happy
with being a doorman.

I did not... I'm sorr...
I didn't mean it like...

- I'm so sorry.
- Okay.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

♪ ♪

Miss Mitchell?

- Can I get you anything?
- No. Thanks.

I just, um, got a headache,

and ran out of aspirin, so I'm
just running across the street.

I have Advil, somewhere.

It's a migraine. Yes.

So I need something
for an upset stomach, too.

Gaviscon?

Be back in a sec.

♪ Eeny, meeny, miny, mo
money than you, bitch ♪

♪ My M.O. is I just don't
give a sh*t... ♪

Wow.

♪ Now I'm drippin' in jewels ♪

65.50. Do you want a bag?

♪ Was livin' in the P's,
now I'm drippin' in jewels ♪

♪ Faker than
your boobs, bitch ♪

♪ Faker than your boobs,
bitch, whoo! ♪

♪ Bitch, dumber than
your stupid ass looks ♪

♪ Faker than your boobs,
bitch... ♪

Good luck.

Good night.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

It'll pass.

I can't bring a baby
into the world with a man

that I don't love or trust.

You know,
a baby needs two parents.

A baby needs a mom and a dad.

What conservative nonsense
this is?

No, I don't mean it like that,
obviously, I...

I just mean, like, the way
that I was brought up, you know?

With two parents.

Oh, my God, my parents.

Oh, my God, what are they gonna
say about this?

Their little girl
comes to the city and then,

within a year, is pregnant,

and not even with a man
she intends on staying with.

You know, they were
so excited about him.

They thought he was like
Hugh Grant, and now he's like...

Hugh Grant.

Who cares what your parents say?
Or the way they did things?

There's a clinic
four blocks away.

You know, I could...
this can go away.

Sure.

No one is going to judge you.
Do what you wish.

But don't do it
because you're scared.

You must own
your actions in life.

I can't do this on my own.

A village brings up a child.

And New York
is a very great village.

Now get some good sleep.

Tomorrow is a brand-new day
that's never been touched.

You have made such a big thing
out of protecting me

from all these bad men,
and now it's like

you're encouraging me
to live life alone.

But you're no longer alone.

♪ In this city of light ♪

♪ I see... ♪

- Hi, hi, hi.
- Hi.

- Sorry I'm late.
- No, that's-that's fine.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Um, thank you for, um,
meeting me.

Oh, I'm from England.
It's the center of urbanity.

We can totally still meet up.

- You look great.
- Oh, thank you.

What are you having?

Uh... a baby.

Is that one of those new
hipster mocktails? God.

I think I'll just stick
with an iced tea.

Yeah, you should probably have
something a little stronger.

Hey, can I get you
something to drink?

- Have alcohol.
- Just a minute.

Okay.

So when, um...

uh...

the... uh...

I...

Uh...

You okay?

Just take a deep breath.

You can have as much
or as little as you want

to do with this.

Um, there is no obligation.

Either way, I-I will
respect your decision,

but, uh, I have decided

that I want to have this baby.

But I-I...

would love for you to be around.

And, um... but, yeah.

Your life can just keep going on
being the same as it was before.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Do you want to come up
with some names together?

Uh... or you do that.

Either way.

♪ ♪

Miss Mitchell. What the hell
do you think you're doing?

Oh, my God, Guzmin,
that's the first time

I've heard you really angry,
I think.

Cycling around this crazy city
in your condition.

Oh, come on,
I'm wearing a helmet.

Is your son wearing a helmet?

That little child,
only the size of a small fish...

is he wearing a helmet?

Speaking of small fish...

check that out.

You're the first person
to see these.

You're having quadruplets?

What? No, that's the same baby.

- It's a joke.
- Oh, yeah.

So that is the spine.

And then that's the head.

It's like the whole universe
in there.

Are you okay?

Fine.

I've just never seen
this type of pictures before.

Here.

I have four of them.

All right, I'll see you.

Yes.

♪ The girl who fell to Earth ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ She gets her kicks
from science ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, oh ♪

♪ It's hard to see,
it's not enough ♪

♪ When you're blinded
by computer love... ♪

- No, no, no, no.
- Okay.

- No!
- Okay.

♪ So tear it down,
play it rough... ♪

Okay.

♪ ♪

♪ How I wish
we could start over ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

Hi, hon.
Daddy joining us tonight?

My dad? No. Why?

- No, I mean the baby's daddy.
- Oh.

Right. I forgot there's a baby.

Um, no.
My water broke early,

and, uh, I texted him,
but he's out of town.

Understood.

We're not a couple, you know.

Oh, he's a great guy,
he's a good guy, but, um,

we're not, you know, um...

I don't know why
I'm telling you this.

I have no idea,
but I hear you.

And, to be honest, uh,
we kind of prefer it this way,

because we have a lot of fainters.

Baby's heart is good.

A little early to the party,
but no stopping him or her now.

I haven't decided yet
if I'm gonna get an epidural,

but I can decide later, right?

Like, if it gets really bad.

"If"?

Keep going!

Keep going, Maggie.

Come on now.

Come on,
you got to keep pushing.

Good, good.

Oh, oh, oh, very good!

Ah. You want to feel
your baby's head?

- I don't know. Do I?
- Yeah, yeah, come on.

That's your baby.

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

Okay, all right.
Let's get ready to go again.

- I can't do it. No.
- Come on.

No, no, no, I'm too tired.
I can't do it.

- I can't do it. I'm too exhausted. No.
- One more big push.

And got to give it
everything you got, okay?

No, I can't do it.
I can't do it.

'Cause your baby's heart rate,
it's a little fast right now,

and we need you
to work with us,

and we need to get
your baby out.

One more. Here we go.
Here we go.

Come on. Come on.

That's it, come on.

Everything you got. Here we go.

One more big push.

Good.

A-ha, ah, ah, ah.

Well done, Maggie.

- Oh.
- Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh.

Beautiful.

- Good job.
- Thank you.

♪ Only clowns would play
with those balloons ♪

♪ Passive when
I'm in record... ♪

Do you want to hold her?

I will.

♪ Day and night ♪

♪ I'm watching you... ♪

- Guzmin.
- Mm-hmm?

She's not nitroglycerin.

I don't want to wake her.

Oh, shush, New York.

Shut up.

♪ Titties that live
on and on ♪

I'll get it.

♪ On and on ♪

Hello, little baby girl.

♪ Only clowns would play
with those balloons ♪

♪ What do you want to look
like Barbie for? ♪

♪ Dear, oh, Lord, it's easy. ♪

Ooh. Bravo, bravo, bravo.

- Do you drink milk?
- No.

- No?
- Moms don't like baby milk.

- They don't?
- Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.
I hope I'm not too late.

- Thank you so much for watching her, Guzmin.
- Oh, no!

Oh, I'm so sorry. That meeting
came up from out of nowhere.

- Hi! Hi, baby bear.
- It was not a problem.

- Oh, my gosh.
- She was a pleasure to watch.

- What are you doing?
- I'm at my house.

You're at your house?

What did you guys do
while I was gone?

We went to a big room
where there was all the animals

full of stuffing,
and then Guzmin's lunch.

The American Museum
of Natural History.

I had not been. It was fun.

- We have to go upstairs now, okay?
- I can hold this.

- Thank you so much.
- Always.

Okay, all right. Let's go.

We're going. We're going.

We're... thank you.

- Okay, say, "Bye!"
- Bye!

Bye! Good night!

- Bye-bye, Sarah.
- Good-bye!

Don't go see the dinosaurs again
without me.

I will not. I promise.

Oh, no.

Not again.

Oh.

Very funny. Yeah. Ha, ha.

No.

No.

I just can't sleep.

You want an Ambien?

No, thank you.

I'm just excited.
I got a job offer.

The editor of a literary
supplement of a magazine.

Fantastic, Miss Mitchell.

It's about time people
started to see your talents.

But it's in I.A.

Okay.

I don't know if I want
to bring her up in I.A.

- She's a New Yorker.
- She will be fine.

She won't be able
to walk to school, and it's...

it's smoggy there
and it's... it's phony.

When are you leaving?

Uh, we're just making plans now,
seeing if it's possible.

Everything is possible.

She'll miss the city.

And this building.

And you.

No complaints, Maggie.

Excuse me.

♪ ♪

Just be yourself.

Relaxed.

But don't try to be funny.

You're not very funny.

- What is...
- He is funny. -Well...

What is this about?

Just... be cool.

But not I.A. cool,
not frosty cool.

Just be your lovely self.

Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

Hi.

Look at you.

- I can't believe it.
- It's so good to see you.

So good to see you.

I want you to meet someone.

Ah.

Hey, man.

♪ ♪

Oh, so, uh...

This is Daniel. This is Guzmin.

My old friend.

Pleased to meet you, uh...

I hear I have to pass
some sort of test?

- You passed it.
- Cool.

- What did I do?
- Nothing.

I saw it in her eyes,
the moment I saw her.

Guzmin.

I was never looking
at the man, Maggie.

I was looking at your eyes.

- Well, that was easy.
- Don't blow it.

Hello, little monkey. Come here.

Look at you.

Look at you, look at you,
my little monkey.

Look at you.

I can't believe she's eight.
I can't believe she's here.

So how was
your airplane flight? Good?

Yeah, it was, uh...

What do you most
want to do today?

♪ The girl who fell to Earth ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ She gets her kicks
from science ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ah ♪

♪ First you cry
and then you laugh ♪

♪ You're like a circle,
cut in half ♪

♪ Another night
of broken sleep ♪

♪ I'll comfort you,
I'll warm your dreams ♪

♪ But you've still got time ♪

♪ My warrior child ♪

♪ When the storm starts ♪

♪ It's only on the outside ♪

♪ At times we couldn't
see the light ♪

♪ We only wipe
our tears dry. ♪