01x03 - Danny Two Phones

[bunniefuu]

Throughout human history,

sex without love has
been prudishly regarded

as a shameful act,

and yet, still it happens
every single day.

The instructions say washing
it in a warm bath of milk

is the best manner in
which to prevent disease.

That's no matter.
I use it frequently.

I will rinse it when I return home.

With advancements in
prophylactic technology,

finally, there was a comfortable barrier

that protected from
pregnancy and infection.

[SIGHS]

I'll write you.

And so all that was left to suffer from

was the pain of unrequited love.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Lately, Darby had been avoiding

the land mines of love entirely

by hiding out and exploring p*rn.

[GROANING] Oh, God.

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

Does anybody want breakfast?
I'm gonna...

- [MOANING]
- More!

Pull my hair.

- Jim... Jim!
- [MOANING]

[BOTH MOANING]

♪ ♪

Darby?

Holy sh*t. Hi!

Oh, my God.

- What...
- How are you doing?

What are you doing in my neighborhood?

Well, I'm just getting some coffee here.

Cool. Are you... back in New York?

Did Politico send you back?

No, no. I actually... I quit.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. That's amazing.

- Hi, I'm Emily.
- So sorry.

- Hi.
- Um, Darby, this is Emily.

- Emily, Darby.
- Hi.

- It's so good to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.

Um, so what are you
doing now that you don't...

That you're not in politics?

Are you gonna take up golf or something?

Uh, well, actually,
Emily writes short stories,

and we thought it'd be cool
to trick out a camper van

and drive around America,
you know, coast to coast.

My... my thesis at Gallatin was
"The Road as a Trope,"

so I just think I want
to do a little more

- writing on that, see if I can...
- Cool, cool.

- She is an amazing writer.
- Mm.

- Thank you.
- Oh, what are... What are you up to?

Are you still working at, um...

Uh, no, I'm at the Whitney now.

- Wow.
- Mm.

Nice. What are you doing there?

- What am I not doing?
- I really... I love the Whitney.

- It was so good to see you.
- All right. See you.

- You too. Totally. Great to see you.
- And good luck with everything.

- Thank you. You too.
- Hey, it was so good to meet you.

So good to meet you too.

- Just have the most fun, okay?
- Yeah, you too.

All right. See you.

- I live this way.
- Oh, yep.

[LAUGHS]

Babe, please, can you get dressed?

Do I have to come to the bris?

My mom asked us to get there early

so we could help her with the party.

Just tell her I'm sick. Please.

Oh, come on. It won't be all bad.

You know, the mohel,
he's kind of famous.

He did Jake Gyllenhaal.

We go uptown to your
family's every weekend.

We were literally there
hours ago for Shabbat.

You have to come.

My mother got you almond milk.

Guys...

something really bad just happened.

What?

I ran into Augie.

- BOTH: No.
- Yeah.

For the first time in three years.

- How did he look?
- Great.

Yeah, he's, um,
in New York now, I guess,

which I would know if
I hadn't unfollowed him,

and then I wouldn't have been
blindsided while wearing Crocs.

- No.
- You know what?

No one ever talks about the perils
of not cyber-stalking an ex.

And he has a new girlfriend.

What the f*ck, Jim?

Did you know Augie had a new girlfriend?

No. I'm not his f*cking biographer.

Yeah, he, um, he quit Politico,

and he and Emily are gonna, like,

travel America in a camper van.

- Ew.
- Yeah.

And I'm just wondering,
like, what it says that,

um, he broke up with
me to pursue his career,

which is fine, but then
he gave up his career

for this new... for this other person.

Okay, baby girl,
do you know what you need?

- Mm.
- My coworker Eliza

is having a barbecue,
and you have to come.

Gonorrhea Eliza?

Mal, I told you not to tell anyone.

Whatever. It's just gonorrhea.

Anyway, she throws an awesome party.

Babe, doesn't Eliza, like,
party enough at work?

James, we work at Webster Hall.

It's a music venue.
It's our job to party.

Sara, seriously, we promised my mom.

And what about what
Rabbi Esther said last week

about tikkun olam?

We need to, like,
repair the wrongs in the world.

Darby needs me to tikkun olam her

with lots of free vodka.

You both are welcome to come.

I think I would rather go
to a bris than a barbecue.

Okay, you don't know what you're saying.

- Just go get dressed.
- Okay.

[GASPS, GROANS]

[SIGHS] Do you think that

when Augie and I were texting, like,

he knew it was bullshit the whole time?

Like, was he just, like,
placating me with emojis?

Why do you always think
of the darkest option?

I don't know,
I just... I don't think that

he's, like, this freaked out
about running into me.

Time for some medicine. Look.

What you need right now
is a good, old-fashioned exorcism,

but instead of the old priest,
it's a young, hot guy.

- Mm.
- And instead of a cross,

- it's a d*ck.
- Whoa!

- Instead of holy water...
- No, no, no, no, no.

I... whatever this,
like, Catholic kink is,

please work it out with Jim.
Like, do some roleplay.

- Please leave me out of it.
- Okay.

Whatever metaphor you want to use,

it's time for mama to put
on her big-girl pants.

Am I mama?

- Yeah, mama.
- Yeah.

What about this?

No. Mama. Wh...

♪ Look ♪

♪ Baby girl, you're so
damn fine, though ♪

♪ I'm tryna know if I can
hit it from behind, though ♪

♪ I'm sippin' on you like
some fine wine, though ♪

♪ And when it's over,
I press rewind, though ♪

♪ Hey, you talkin' bands,
girl, I got it ♪

Okay.

All right. There's guys here.

And a lot of basic girls,

so you get in there,
my beautiful weirdo.

Whoa, I didn't know
there'd be movie stars here.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That dude wants to hit it!

That dude's wearing a gold chain.

You made it! Hi!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ She walk past, I press rewind ♪

This is f*cked up,

but I wish Jim wasn't
so close to his family.

It's, like, constant.

Yeah. It sounds abusive.

Look, if you went to
as many brises as I do,

you'd feel the same way.

I could, like, perform a bris.

- Oh, my God.
- Right now.

Find me a baby d*ck, and I'll do it.

I'll show you how it's done.
And he's always like,

"Why don't you hold
this cute little baby?

It's so cute. Hold it."

And I'm like,
"I don't like the implications."

- The implications?
- Yeah.

That your boyfriend loves you

and, like, maybe sees a future
with you that involves babies?

- Darby, do not guilt-trip me right now.
- I'm not guilt-tripping you.

He sounds like a monster.
Get away as fast as you can.

[LAUGHS]

Mamaleh, where do you
want me to put the rugelach?

- Just over there on the sideboard.
- Okay.

It's a shame Sara couldn't come.

She loves my rugelach.

I know, but she got called
into a concert for work.

But she sends her love.

You're k*lling your mother.

Auntie DeeDee is kicking her butt

in the grandkids department.

Okay, Dad, but you know
we're not really ready yet.

Just have one now,

and we'll take care of
it until you're ready.

Where is Sara?

I made that kale salad she loves,

the one with the cranberries.

She got called in to a concert at work.

- She sends her love.
- Sara's not here?

It's your cousin's bris.

Folks!

Sara, my girlfriend, she sends her love.

♪ And you ♪

♪ You want to feel it all... ♪

Darby avoided mingling

by stalking Augie's new
girlfriend on Instagram,

and while years later,
she would come to understand

the often large gap between the way

people present themselves
on social media

and what their lives are really like,

this stream of selfies
simply made Darby,

to put it colloquially, feel like sh*t.

What's that?

Oh, what... what,
it's a party, and people

should put their phones away
and have a good time?

Thanks. Can you give me my phone back?

Sorry. I thought it would be cute.

Okay. Just don't take
other people's sh*t.

Damn. All right. I said I'm sorry.

- Spin the Bottle. Wow.
- Hi!

- Come here.
- Yeah.

This is definitely what you
should be doing right now.

Mm, yeah. He's cute.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God. He's so hot.

Fingers crossed.

- Good luck to you.
- Mm.

Um...

Okay.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Have fun.

- All right.
- Love connection.

All right.

- Wow.
- That's for you, friend.

- This is fun.
- Uh, my lips hurt.

- Can you look?
- Mm-hmm.

- In a really nice way.
- Yeah.

It seemed like you
were enjoying yourself.

- Okay.
- [LAUGHS]

Are you okay?

- You don't have to do this...
- No, I think I gotta go.

- I don't want Jim to feel bad.
- Oh, Sara.

Sara, don't leave me here.

You know what? You go forth,

and you get on that d*ck wagon.

- Mm.
- It is your destiny.

Very upset by the phrase "d*ck wagon."

- Just giddyup...
- Don't.

- I don't like the voice.
- And you just get on that

little d*ck wagon, and you just...

Stop. Stop. Stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay. Just stay.

Have fun. Live for me.

Nice to meet you guys.

See you later.

Wow.

[YUMI ZOUMA'S "ALENA"]

♪ With you, we're moving together ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ Are slippin' away to forever ♪

♪ Come over here and dance with me ♪

♪ It's true that you'll
never see me feel better ♪

[URINE PATTERING]

Hey. What the f*ck?

Oh, f*ck. Sorry. Can you not look?

Sorry for intruding on
your public urination,

which is a crime, by the way.

Yeah, all right. All right.

Oh, f*ck! Is that a nail?

- What kind of f*cking...
- You okay?

Yep. Just cut myself.

Oh, f*ck, it's really bleeding.

Let me see.

It's fine, it's fine.

- Oh, God.
- Listen.

My, uh... my apartment's
right downstairs.

I got some peroxide,
you wanna clean that up.

No, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Just, like, I'll find a towel

or a napkin or something.

You're gonna find a towel or a napkin?

I don't know!

- Okay, yes.
- Okay.

Can I get cleaned up?

Thank you. That's a very sweet offer.

- I'm Danny.
- Hi, I'm Darby.

I'm the idiot who cut her leg.

This is me.

You better not try to m*rder me,
okay? I'm armed.

Trying to blind yourself?

[LAUGHING] Jesus.

Hi!

[ALL SHUSHING]

Baby's sleeping.

[WHISPERING] Sorry. I'm sorry.

- Babe, you made it.
- Yeah.

Hi.

What a wonderful surprise.

Jim said you had to work late.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know,
the entertainment industry.

Just out there saving lives.

- Thanks for coming.
- Yeah, of course.

Sara, can I get you something to drink?

I have your almond milk.

Oh, you know what? I'm good. Thank you.

I tell Jim every day, Sara,

you're the only thing he did right.

I tell him that, too, Diane.

Oh, my God.

[WHISPERING] How was the bris?

Everyone except Todd
seemed to have a good time.

- Great.
- Do you wanna hold Todd?

No, no, no, I don't want to...

I have to use the bathroom anyway.

He loves being rocked.

Well, I was actually just
gonna get a plate first.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- I'll come back after.
- You should hold the baby.

Stop it.

- All right.
- Ahh!

- Sorry.
- f*ck. f*ck!

All right.

[BLOWING]

[MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Um, I don't think that it's gonna scar,

but maybe put, like,
aloe vera on it for a week.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- There you go.

Still f*cking hurts, though. Jesus.

I got ibuprofen.

Uh, you shouldn't take it
on an empty stomach, though.

You had food tonight?

Um, I had a Bloody Mary
that had celery in it.

Yum. Uh, how about
I make you a little plate?

I got nice olives, I got mozzarella.

- Yeah, okay. That sounds good.
- Yeah?

Great.

So what's the deal with
this creepy empty room?

I used to live here with my girlfriend,

and when she broke up with me,

she took all the furniture, so...

Damn, that sucks.

Oh, you got two phones.

So you're a drug dealer.

That's actually a
very hurtful stereotype.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

All right.

Here we go.

Whoa. This is very artfully arranged.

- Yeah.
- This is amazing.

I used to work at a deli.

Mm.

- Okay.
- Good? Good?

All right, come on. Sit.
What do you want?

The bed? The lawn chair?
You got options.

I guess the lawn chair's
better for digestion.

All right. Lawn chair it is.

Wow. Dinner and a show.

Sorry. I get crazy OCD
with the chin-ups.

How many do you do, like, every day?

Uh, like, .

- Actually, like, exactly .
- What?

I got a lot of nervous energy.

- ?
- That's not that many.

No, when we used to do those
presidential fitness tests,

I couldn't even do one.

I would just, like, get up there,
and I would just hang.

You could do a chin-up.

- I absolutely cannot.
- Come on.

No, petite people are
very good at chin-ups.

That's a very hurtful stereotype.

Come here and put
that down for a second.

I can't.

- All right. Hop up.
- "Hop up"?

- Really?
- Okay, fine.

- May I? You good?
- That's offensive. Please.

- [GRUNTS]
- There you go.

BOTH: One.

You got one more. You got one more.

- [GRUNTS] I can't!
- All right.

No, you just...
You have to do an even number

or else the world will blow up.

- Is that how that works?
- There you go.

- [LAUGHS]
- Ooh!

Wow, your hair smells really nice.

Oh. Thank you.

Yes, I... I... I have this, um,

- hair mask thing that I use.
- Hmm.

♪ ♪

I can't even look at rugelach
without gaining ten pounds.

Come on, Ruth.

You look like you're about to blow away.

Am I gonna have to force feed you

some of this lox right here?

Oh, you really know how to
make an old broad's day.

How you been?

Oh, I'm hanging in there.

- I redid the bathrooms.
- Okay.

Although I don't know why.

They're gonna stick me
in a home soon enough.

Stop it. That is not true.

I've been going downhill
since Richard passed.

He was the real life in the house.

Do you know I never cooked a meal

since two years into our marriage?

He got so tired of my terrible cooking.

He... he said one day,

"Step aside. This is my job now."

I remember. You told me that.

And he never made
me feel guilty about it.

- Mm.
- Yeah, he was a real winner.

- [LAUGHS]
- years of marriage.

Well, I hope to have
that with Jim one day.

- Sara...
- Mm-hmm?

Let him go if you don't want him.

Life's too short.

I love Jim.

♪ ♪

So what do you do?

Um, I work at the Whitney Museum.

Whoa.

Fancy.

- Yeah, I guess.
- My God.

I'm a... a curator.

Really?

God, that's crazy.

You know, I've never been there before.

Never been to Ellis Island,
either, I guess, but...

Well, I'm a junior curator.

Hey, you're the only person I know

with, like, a fancy job like that.

It's awesome.

Yeah. I mean, it's not a big deal.

Um, what do you do?

Uh, long-term, me and my cousin

are in the process of trying to start,

like, a bagel shop, so...

Cool.

I love bagels.

You know, you're very beautiful.

And look, sorry if I was a little rusty.

It's been a while since Bri.

Oh.

Well, how long has it been
since you guys broke up?

Three years.

Okay. That's a long time.

I know, I'm a freak.

That's the deal with the second phone,
by the way.

It's got all her voicemails on it

from before she fell
out of love with me,

and I don't know how to
transfer the messages,

so now I'm just paying for two
phones like a f*cking tool.

That's a sad story, Danny Two Phones.

Danny Two Phones.

That's... I like that. Yeah.

You should get rid of that phone,
you know?

Like, it's holding you back.

Like, start over. You'll feel better.

[SIGHS] I guess you're right.

What the f*ck am I doing with my life?

I should. I should delete this sh*t.

I should just... I should move on.

Yo, baby, I'm...

- Oh, man.
- No!

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do this.

- Stay with me. Come on.
- Oh, man.

Hey, listen. She's not
coming back, right?

[BREATHES DEEPLY] You know what?

- f*ck Brianna.
- Yeah, f*ck Brianna.

- f*ck Brianna.
- Never liked her.

I'm throwing this sh*t out the window.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, my God,
are you actually gonna do it?

Oh, my God, am I actually doing this?

- Dude, I believe in you!
- Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna do it, right?

All right. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

- [GROANS]
- [EXCLAIMS]

- Holy sh*t!
- Whoo!

Nothing but net.

I'm Danny-f*cking-One-Phone now, baby!

Yeah, you are! Oh, my God!

How do you feel?

God, I feel f*cking great.

Yeah.

I feel like a weight's been lifted.

Yeah. Good.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hey, do you believe in fate?

- Um...
- Because...

I feel like I met you for a reason.

I mean, even at that party,
you stood out to me,

and I took the D train today.

I never take the D train.

Never.

What does the D train have to do with...

D for Darby.

Oh. Or D for Danny.

- No. No, no, no.
- Or Dalmatians or...

I met you for a reason, and it's...

Oh, my... it's f*cking crazy

how your whole life
can change in a night.

[SOFT INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey. I'll hold him.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Sit... sit over there.
- Okay.

- You want me to sit?
- Yeah.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

- He likes to be upright.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- All right. [GRUNTS]

Oh, he loves you.

Oh, my God, babe, you look so hot.

I got... I gotta Instagram this.
Hold on.

- So cute.
- [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS SOFTLY] Oh...

Ooh.

- [QUIETLY] Do you smell that?
- No.

- For real?
- Yeah.

I think he... I think he pooped.

- It's getting so late.
- Oh.

- I know, I hate to...
- No, no.

- I... I understand.
- Yeah.

And I, you know...
I have work in the morning.

Right, right.

[MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Hey, do you know...
Do you know Andrew Dice Clay?

- No. Who's that?
- Oh, my God.

He's this amazing comedian.

He's got a show on Saturday,

and uh, you know, we could
do dinner, um, beforehand,

and I got my cousin's car,

'cause he's out of town
for the whole month,

so you wouldn't even
have to take the train.

I could swoop you. Say yes.

Um, ooh, Saturday's not good.

Oh, man.

Well, Friday... What about Friday?

Friday's bucket hat
night at the Mets game.

That'd be amazing.

You know what's so f*cking crazy?

This is so f*cking crazy,

and I'm sorry I didn't
say anything before.

I'm actually moving
to Cleveland on Monday.

Cleveland?

You're trading the Whitney
for Cleveland?

Um, yeah, they...
They offered me this big job

at the, um, Cleveland Museum of Art,

and um, this party

was kind of like my
last hurrah in the city,

and I... I should've
said something before,

but I didn't want to ruin
the kind of... vibe.

Damn.

- [SIGHS]
- Yeah, I know.

I finally met someone good.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no. I mean...

Don't be sorry. No.

I'm really glad I met you.

Yeah, me too. Me too.

Um, I should really get going, though.

Hey, let me... let me
at least give you a ride home.

- My cousin's car's a BMW.
- Oh, no.

I'm, like, right by the subway, so...

Bye, Danny.

Good-bye... my little Thumbelina.

Bye.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey. Good morning.

Oh. You were up late.

Yeah, um, things got interesting

after your Spin the Bottle dude.

- Shh.
- Hey, gals.

Care to join me on a run?

BOTH: No.

All right, fine,
then I am listening to Serial.

So how was it?

Um... I...

f*cked the gold chain guy.

Yeah, definitely a one-time thing.

[LAUGHS]

- What up, Casual Darby?
- Yeah. One-time thing.

One-time thing. I, like... I don't know.

I got to be this whole other person,

and I told him that I was a curator,

and I, like, inflated my whole life

'cause it felt really good
to have somebody look at me

and think that I was, like,
so impressive and just, like,

"Oh, my God. Wow."

Yeah, well, lying is a
really powerful self-help tool.

Yeah.

I also told him I was
moving to Cleveland.

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

It was in self-defense.

I was worried he was gonna
get obsessed with me.

- Poor guy.
- Yeah.

I mean, poor... he'll be fine.

He got to f*ck me. Like, he'll live.

- True.
- Yeah.

The encounter with Danny

had boosted Darby's wounded ego

and given her a much-needed
bounce in her step.

She went on with her life,

giving Danny very little thought,

as men had so often done to her.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[QUIETLY] sh*t.

Darby?

- Danny!
- Oh, my God.

- This... wow.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Uh...

What happened to Cleveland?
Did you change your mind?

No. Um, no.

I'm going. Um...

Uh, the apartment I was renting...

Like, it's been so crazy.

Um, the landlord, you know.

- Like, you know.
- Yeah.

- Right?
- Um...

So are you, like,
the curator of headphones, or...

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Just working. Just...

What are... What are you doing here?

After we met, I... I...
I just kind of wanted

to check this place out.

I mean, I know I don't really know you,

but um, I still felt proud,

and uh, I thought this might
make me feel closer to you

even though I knew that you
wouldn't be here anymore,

except here you are.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[FORCED LAUGH] It's wild.

Hey, uh, do you want
to grab a bite after work?

Um, I have a dinner
thing tonight, um, but...

Uh, you know what?

I just remembered I
have to grab something

from my cubicle, um,
but it was so good to see you.

I get it, you know. I'm not an idiot.

- What do you get? [LAUGHS]
- You're lying.

My whole family's liars.

I can tell when
someone's lying to my face.

I mean, is Darby even your real name?

Yes. I'm... yes.

- It's Darby Carter.
- Okay.

It's just... [GROANS]

You're the first person I touched

since Brianna, you know.

I'm sor... that's a lot.

I don't... it was a moment.

Haven't you ever been
caught up in a moment?

I'm not a moment.

I'm a person,

and I helped you when you were hurt.

You, like... what'd you do?

You, like, used me like
some kind of sex robot.

I thought guys wanted to
be treated like sex robots.

- Nice. That's really nice.
- Okay.

Thi... I'm sorry. This isn't a big deal.

Like, we slept together one time.

I don't owe you anything.

I get to decide who I f*ck
and who I love and whatever.

Fine, you don't owe me anything,

but you still f*cking hurt me.

Darby Carter,

whoever you are.

In truth, she knew exactly how he felt,

and she hated hurting him.

Danny.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

Still, it was nice to know

that she could be the one who left,

that she could be the one who got away.

I mean, yeah, I just made an account.

I just think staying at a hotel

kind of defeats the purpose
of the whole camper van thing.

I'm not talking about every night.

- Just, like, some nights.
- Okay.

Like, every night in the van?
That's gonna be kind of intense.

We're camping.
Of course it's "in tents."

- [LAUGHS] Get it?
- Yeah.

- "In tents"?
- No, it's...

- Augie.
- So good.

Darby!

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Oh, my God.

I'm surprised you
guys are still in town.

Oh, we leave tomorrow, actually.

We're trying to be in Taos by Labor Day.

- Amazing.
- How's everything going

with you, Darb? How's the Whitney?

- Or the MoMA?
- No, the Whitney.

Um, it's great. I've actually gotta run.

Like, ironically,
I have a job interview.

- Nice. What are you interviewing for?
- Cool.

Um, it's this assistant gig,

but it's at an auction house,
which could be fun.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

- Good luck to you guys.
- Thank you.

So exciting. Tomorrow's the big launch?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Amazing.

- Out on the road.
- So exciting. Bye.

- Bye!
- See you.

[CARIBOU'S "I CAN'T DO WITHOUT YOU"]

Hi.

I will have a chai tea latte.

♪ ♪

♪ I can't do without you ♪

♪ I can't do without you ♪

♪ I can't do without you ♪

Babe. You gonna help me? Come on.