01x01 - Dash

[bunniefuu]

[soft instrumental music playing]

[woman] Imagine this.

You're in your favorite bookstore,

scanning the shelf
where your favorite books reside,

and there…

Nestled between
the familiar spines sits a red notebook.

Imagine you're in New York
and it's Christmas.

You're surrounded
by people, by possibility…

And the hope that, somewhere in the city,

is that one person that's meant for you.

You just have to find them.

How do you do that?

It all depends
on the kind of person you are.

[all] ♪ Joy to the world
The Lord has come ♪

♪ Let earth receive her king ♪

[man]
It's the most detestable time of the year.

[indistinct chattering]

The forced cheer, frenzied crowds.

The carolers who've had so much eggnog
they've forgotten the words.

And, of course,
the couples naive enough to mistake

holiday spirit for being in love.

I made that mistake once, too.

Never again.

Hey!

- Season's greetings!
- Oh, come on, tinsel?

[ringtone sounds]

[man] The emoji industry
has yet to create an icon

to represent
one's feelings about being cast aside

by their divorced mother
so that she can spend Christmas in Hawaii.

That'd be huge in New York.

[carolers] ♪ He rules the world
With truth and grace… ♪

[man] Well, at least
someone knows the words.

[carolers] ♪The glories of ♪

♪ His righteousness ♪

[siren wailing in distance]

♪ Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green ♪

♪ Here we come a-wand'ring ♪

♪ So fair to be seen… ♪

[Dash] There is one refuge
from the holiday hordes.

["Philomena" by The Decemberists playing]

Some bookstores think
they need to host a cookie-making class

in order to sell you some Proust.

Not the Strand.

Hey, this was mis-shelved.

Gabriel García Márquez should be
under G for García, not M for Márquez.

And, also, this is biography.
It's not fiction. So…

Thanks.

Hey, kid, if you ever wanna work here…

I'll remember this.

[Dash sighs]

[mumbling]

Hey, this was
also in the wrong section, so…

[dial tone sounds]

[woman] Do you dare?

I've left some clues for you.
If you want them, turn the page.

If you don't,
put the book back on the shelf.

So, you've chosen to play.
A revealing choice.

Shall we begin?

A coded message.
You can decipher it with the right books.

But only if you can find them.

Your first clue
requires some heavy reading.

Look for French pianism.

What the hell is French pianism?

[woman] Oh, and if you need
to use your phone, don't bother playing.

[chuckles]

French pianism.

I'm not telling you anything.

But this is the information desk.

Are you not obligated to, like,
give me some information?

Look,
if this is about earlier, I… apologize.

I know you would never mis-shelve a book.

[keyboard clacking]

I don't understand. Did I wrong you?

Did I buy you
a James Patterson book for Christmas,

or are you taking pleasure
from my suffering?

- Could you tell me the section...
- [man] I'm not allowed.

I promised her I wouldn't discuss
anything related to that.

But since you asked,
there's a little pleasure.

You said "her."

- No, I didn't.
- [Dash] Yes, you did.

You said "her." She's a her, and she
is testing my knowledge of the Strand.

Thank you for your help.

I didn't help you.

[Dash] Okay, Clue Girl.

If this is how you want to play it…

["Run Rudolph Run" playing]

…game on.

Pianism as in piano,
but there's nothing in the music section,

unless…

Heavy reading.

[groans]

It's a code.
Page , seventh line, second word.

♪ Run, run, Rudolph… ♪

[woman] Are you…

Am I what?

[woman] Let's make this harder.
Fat Hoochie Prom Queen.

[Dash chuckles]
Obviously YA, obviously pink.

- Yes.
- ♪ All I want for Christmas… ♪

[woman] Your next book
isn't a Christmas story,

but Santa does show up
to hand out weapons.

Now, presuming you read this as a child,
what bothered you about this scene?

[chuckles]

That's easy. Why is jolly St. Nick
giving an eight-year-old a Kn*fe?

[woman] If you said
Santa Claus arming an eight-year-old,

this can go on.

Your next clue is inside
the most popular title

in Sex and Sexuality.

[funky electronic music playing]

[woman ] Dash?

Priya.

- Hey.
- I didn't know you were in town.

[Dash] She wouldn't,
because we're not friends.

No one's in town.
Everyone's off in Bora Bora…

[Dash] Oh, sure,

back when I dated her best friend,
we shared a social circle.

Now we don't.

…about their presents this year.
That's why I'm here.

I'm trying to find a present
for my little sister. She's into fantasy.

Yeah, I remember, at your party
last year, she challenged me to a duel.

About this year, um…
I'm… I'm sorry I didn't invite you.

I just… I thought it would be weird,
you know, but since you're in town,

you should totally still come.
It's on Christmas Eve.

Thanks, but my dad's
taking me to Sweden tomorrow.

- Sweden.
- [Dash] Yeah.

It's supposed to be beautiful in December.
All those long Swedish nights.

Right.

Well, that's too bad.

Sofia's coming.

- Sofia's back?
- Yeah, just for the holidays.

Anything she should, uh, know?

Tell her I'm trying new things.

Okay.

Hey, wait, Priya, um…
Here. For your sister.

I have a feeling she'd like it.
It's fantasy for kids with weapons.

Merry Christmas.

[woman] The fact you
were willing to stand in the Strand

with The Joy of Gay Sex
bodes well for our future.

However, a few rules.

If you are not a teenage boy,
please return the notebook to the shelf.

If you have use for the manual
in your hand, I completely support that.

Love is a spectrum,
but if girls aren't on yours,

please return the notebook to the shelf.

And finally, if you've made it this far,
you're obviously clever,

but I want to know…

Are you brave?

[feedback squeaks]

Hello.

Um, sorry to interrupt your browsing,

um, but I have been asked
to share a dramatic reading.

Um…

And apologies to Joni Mitchell.

Um…

"It's coming on Christmas." Um…

"They're cutting down trees,

putting up reindeer,
singing songs of joy and peace.

Oh, I wish I had a river

that I could skate away on."

["River" by Joni Mitchell playing]

"But it don't snow here…"

[Dash] Maybe you thought
this would scare me off.

But I love this song, and if you chose it,
that means you love it, too.

"…crazy scene…"

Are you here now?

Did you turn up to see
if I had the guts to follow through?

"Oh, I wish I had a river.
I'm so hard to handle."

"I'm selfish, and I'm sad."

"And now I've gone
and lost the best baby I've ever had."

"Oh, I wish I had a river
to skate away on."

♪ It's coming on Christmas ♪

"It's coming on Christmas."

[static fizzles]

- Whoa! Hey, hey.
- I'm putting you out of your misery.

What are you doing?
It's not the end of the song.

Got what you needed.

The last two words of the message?

You just said them.

[woman] Are you going
to be lonely on Christmas?

So, here we are.
What happens next is up to you.

Leave a message telling me
how this time of year makes you feel.

If I like your answer,
you just might hear from me.

If you're not scared.

Who is she?

Even if I could tell you, I wouldn't.

You have to put that back
so someone else can play.

Hey! I said leave it.

[Dash] I'm not scared, Clue Girl.

I'm hooked.

["Everything's Gonna Be Cool
This Christmas" by Eels playing]

♪ Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be cool
This Christmas ♪

Dude! You're going
to Sweden, and you didn't tell me?

How'd you…?

Oh, Priya.

Yeah. She texted and said you
were acting weird. Like, even for you.

She say anything else?

Just so you know, I'm a total ally.

[chuckles] I appreciate that,
Boomer, but I'm still straight.

And I'm not going to Sweden.

I'm just trying to avoid
seeing anyone over the break.

What, even me?

No, man. Need you for the pizza.

Oh, great. [laughs]

Yeah. So, what's the Boomer clan
doing for Christmas?

Oh, it's gonna be sick.

So, you know my aunt
who works for the Food Network?

She's bringing over all the food
that was too weird-looking to be on TV.

You gotta let me know
when you open your presents.

Why?

Well, because I helped
your mom pick yours out.

- You gotta give me a hint.
- What?

- No. I'm not gonna tell you what it is.
- You gotta give me a hint. Give me a hint!

Okay, you know those life-size
Japanese robots that fight each other?

- No.
- It's not that.

- [laughs]
- I'm… I'm gonna get you back.

[woman] Are you
going to be lonely on Christmas?

What's that? You got a diary?

Oh, no. I just found it at the Strand. Um…

You don't recognize
this handwriting, do you?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's a girl.

Yeah, that's definitely
girl cursive right there.

Okay, but that's not Priya's, right?

Pretty sure Priya
only writes on her phone. Why?

Oh, I'm just ruling out suspects.

Uh, 'cause it had
these clues, like a treasure hunt,

and I've just been wondering
about the girl who wrote it.

Ooh, you like her.

Boomer, we're not in third grade.
We don't say, "Ooh, you like her."

- But you do.
- No, I don't even know her.

Which is why
it's even weirder that you like her.

I mean, I haven't heard
you talk about a girl since…

Yep, you can say her name, Boomer.
She's not Voldemort.

Actually, you're supposed to say
Voldemort's name. It takes away his power.

Okay, look, I don't even know
if I want to know this girl.

I would just like
to figure out who she is.

Done. We set up a sting operation.

Yeah. Okay, you send her a message
telling her to order pizza from Two Boots.

When she calls and places it,
boom, we got her name.

It's… it's all there.

I will consider that.

- I'm gonna get this.
- That looks cool. What's that?

It's a depressing French film
about m*rder.

All right, thanks for the pizza, Boomer.

[alarm blaring]

sh*t!

Hey, Dad, did you change
your alarm code for your apartment?

Yeah, no,
I am spending the break with Mom.

But I just figure if I need
a place to get away to read.

Or sure, bring a special lady. Yeah.

Okay.

Great. I am writing it down now.

- [beeps]
- [sighs]

[alarm voice] Disarmed.

[sighs] No, I am not gonna touch
the brandy, Dad.

[sighs]

[man speaking French on TV]

[woman speaking French on TV]

[Dash] My mom thinks
I'm spending the holiday with my dad.

My dad thinks I'm with my mom,

and my classmates
think I'm out of the city.

It's my Christmas gift to myself.

Solitude.

[speaking French on TV]

[laughing]

[French dialogue continues on TV]

[Sofia] What are you thinking about?

The word… "bedding."

[laughing]

You American boys
have the stupidest pillow talk.

No, hear me out.
It's one of those words

where it's just either really sexy,
you know, or it's really not, like, um…

Can you show me to the bedding department?
Right? It's not sexy.

But then
if you make it into a verb, like...

Are we going to be bedding each other?

Mmm. See, that's very sexy.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm not going anywhere.

Are you?

My dad got a new post. Brazil.

I'm sorry. We both knew
this was never going to last forever.

[door opens]

There you are.
Can you stop hiding, love birds?

It's a party.

[tooting]

[woman speaking French on TV]

[TV clicks off]

[Dash] You asked me
how this time of year makes me feel.

I suspect you're a kindred spirit,
so I know you'll understand when I say,

it's the most detestable time of the year.

I knew it. Sting operation.

No. Please don't call it that.
Just listen, okay?

- You listening?
- Yeah.

The clues are gonna instruct her

to leave the notebook
on one the shelves in the video section.

- Okay?
- Okay.

All you need to do is just keep
an eye out for her, all right?

So, you can know she is
without her knowing who you are?

Isn't that kind of sneaky and not cool?

Fine, we can call it a sting operation.

Awesome. Yes. [laughs]

All right, guys,
we got our holiday special.

We call it the St. Nick.
It's in honor Nicolas Cage.

[shopkeepers bell rings]

How did you miss her?

- It was the lunch rush.
- What about the security cameras?

What security cameras?

- You said that it was a sting operation.
- Yeah, but this is also a pizza parlor.

- Uh, she left you a message.
- What?

Yeah.

[woman] Nice try.

You sent me into a trap.

Dude. What?
How could she possibly know that?

Uh, it gets worse. Like, way worse.

[woman] I'm flattered, Mystery Boy,
but I'm not so easy to catch.

If you wanna know more about me,

you'll have to do it
through this notebook.

And if you want my name,
you'll have to earn it… with a dare.

[Boomer] Maybe this is a bad idea.
I mean, you don't even know this girl.

She could be
totally different than what you think.

That's the thing, Boomer. I do know her.

When I read her words,
it's like I can hear her voice.

She's sarcastic, sophisticated…

- Sadistic.
- Sadistic?

She's sending me into a department store
right before Christmas.

Clearly, her sadism knows no bounds.

["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing]

- Just be nice to Santa. Please?
- Yep.

[people screaming]

[Dash groans]

You can kick me out
without actually kicking me.

Consider yourself
banned from Santa Land for life.

We actually do not have that authority,
but you should be ashamed of yourself.

And you're on the naughty list.

Well, I hope climate change
destroys the North Pole.

[Dash] Okay, Clue Girl, I did your dare,

and it only cost me my dignity.

So, let's find out what I learned.

What? No, what?
Come on. What did I do wrong?

I did everything you asked,
and I still don't know your…

Lily.

Her name's Lily.

[singing rewinds]

[all] ♪ Joy to the world ♪

[woman] Lily!

Lily! Lily, thank God you're here.

- Is it bad?
- Without you? They're terrible.

- Hey! Seriously?
- Season's greetings.

♪ Repeat, repeat the sounding joy ♪

Oh, it's Lily. We're saved.

- Sorry I'm late.
- We drank all the eggnog.

I was looking for these.

"Joy to the World," third verse.
We need you, badly.

♪ He rules the world
With truth and grace ♪

♪ And makes the nations prove ♪

♪ The glories of His righteousness ♪

[Dash] Well, at least
someone knows the words.

♪ And wonders of His love ♪

♪ And wonders, wonders of His love ♪

["Santa's Jolly Holiday"
by Steve Martin & Henrik Wikström playing]

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Sleigh bells ringing
It's that time of the year ♪

♪ Singers singing
About the season of cheer ♪

♪ Presents in our stockings
Champagne corks are popping ♪

♪ Santa's jolly holiday ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

♪ It's cold outside
But it's warm by the fire ♪

♪ Christmas carols being sung by a choir ♪

♪ Mistletoe and holly
Goodness gracious, Molly ♪

♪ It's Santa's jolly holiday ♪

♪ It's a starry night, moonlit bright
To light the chimney top ♪

♪ Just as Santa Claus
Arrives upon his sleigh ♪

♪ And for Rudolph and the reindeer
There's a special Christmas box ♪

♪ 'Cause they're welcome here today… ♪