01x02 - ...had sex with Paxton Hall-Yoshida

[bunniefuu]

[knocking on door]

-What? Mom, I'm fast asleep!
-[book thuds on floor]

You don't look like you're asleep.

Paxton?

What are you doing here?

I'm doing exactly what I said I'd do.

I'm here to have sex with you.

["Dancing On The Limit" by Prizes] playing

[inhales]

[exhales] Whoa.

Wow.

Your body looks so good
in that over-sized t-shirt.

♪ Make me cry ♪

And is that...

-♪ Is it over ♪
-[sniffs]

...dandruff shampoo.

[exhales sharply]

♪ Or are we finally coming alive ♪

Wait. This is a dream, isn't it?

Look, if anyone here is dreaming, it's me.

I mean, look at you.
You have the beauty of Priyanka Chopra,

with the incisive intellect
of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[sighs softly]

[McEnroe] Yeah, of course it was a dream,
people.

[grunts]

You didn't think it'd be
that easy for her, did you?

♪ Come closer ♪

And the whole time,
Paxton kept complimenting me

and telling me
how much he respected me and stuff.

What do you think that means?

Devi, the reason I was enlisted
by your doctors and your mother

is to delve into some of the major events

that have happened in your life
over this last year.

Now, we've been seeing each other
for months,

and you still don't want to talk
about your father.

What's there to talk about?

He's dead. It made me sad.

Now I want to talk about a major event
that could happen this week!

Popping my cherry, Doc.

Oh, lord.

The statistical odds
that I would lose my virginity

to somebody that hot are incredibly low.

I ran the numbers with Fabiola.

I have a better chance
of being hit by a meteor.

I know. I got your Excel spreadsheet.

We could talk about my dead dad any time.

I'm in a very specific window right now.

I'm ready to bone.

If you were ready to bone,

you wouldn't use the phrase
"ready to bone."

And what's so special
about this boy, anyway?

[chuckles] Uh...

This.

-You can scroll.
-I'm not gonna scroll.

Trust me. Scroll.

I'm not-- Damn!

Is this kid on HGH?

I know, right?

Point made.

[chuckles] But he is still a person
with feelings and problems.

[scoffs]

Hot people don't have problems.

I mean, I've seen the people
in your waiting room.

No offense, but they're mostly uggos.

Uh, I do take offense to that.

Look, forget about Paxton.

In your current mental state,

losing your virginity to someone
you barely know

and who probably doesn't care about you--

Is a great idea that you fully support?

[scoffs]

You know that's not
where I was going with that.

Nice try.

[sighs]

Devi, I know you're upset.

And I wronged you, and I'm sorry,
and I don't expect you to just forgive me,

so I stayed up all night,
and I made a photo montage

of our entire friendship
set to John Legend's "All of Me."

It's all good. I forgive you.

Okay, well, with your permission,
I'd still like to play it.

-It took a long time, and--
-We're good.

I'm happy for you and Oliver.

[locker shuts]

Oh, great.

El and I agreed, we won't keep
any more secrets from you,

even if the harsh truth puts you
in a wheelchair once again.

Well, that's not gonna happen,
but I appreciate the sentiment.

[Alex] Hey, Fab.

I like your denim overalls.

Fab, what was that? That was so sexy.

Did you ask out Alex Gomez?

I followed through
on your boyfriends plans,

so, yes, Alex and I are going
to Wetzel's Pretzels this weekend.

[gasps] What about you and Jonah?
Did you ask him out yet?

I heard he works at Sephora
and loves giving makeovers.

Actually, I've been talking
to someone else.

Paxton Hall-Yoshida. Ever heard of him?

[McEnroe] Devi told her friends
about her interaction with Paxton,

but let's just say she wouldn't get points
for accuracy.

["Tease" by Salt Cathedral playing]

[exhales sharply]

-[Devi] Yeah, it was so weird.
-[clears throat]

I was just minding my own business,

and then Paxton literally
pulls me aside, and is like...

[in lower voice] "Hey, you're Devi, right?

I think you're super cool and whip-smart.

And if you're down with it,

I want to get to know you better."

And I was like...
[regular voice] Yeah. I mean, sure.

I guess that could be cool.

[sharp exhale]

Yes!

He said "whip-smart"?

-[McEnroe] He absolutely did not.
-Yeah, he did.

So if things go well,
I might start dating Paxton or something.

I guess we'll have to see.

[dreamy music playing]

[chuckles]

[Devi] Fab, are you paying attention?

[music stops]

Yep. Someone's dating Paxton.
[chuckles]

Me. Fab, pay attention.

Anyways, I'm gonna go contour my nose
before he sees me in class.

Later.

[McEnroe] Devi strode off,

confident her friends had believed
this bullshit story.

Fabiola and Eleanor were confident

their friend had become
completely unhinged.

[grunts]

[grunts]

-[Kamala] Nalini Maami?
-[speaks Tamil]

No need to find me a sari to wear.

I've selected a k*ller outfit
for my video call with Prashant's family.

Okay. What is it?

I'm in it.

[laughs]

That? That jeans and blazer?

Are you crazy?

A fashion segment on The Today Show

said it was a fun way
to mix professional and casual.

Yes, you look like
a careerist western woman,

which you obviously are,

but they don't need to know that... yet.

Kamala, his family wants to see

that you can cook, clean,
and cater to their son's needs.

They basically want him
to marry his own mother.

That sounds sexually confusing.

It is, but this is just the wedding dance.

After you get married,
you move to the United States,

you can do whatever you want.

-[both scream]
-[loud crash]

[Nalini speaks Tamil]

-Are you okay?
-[grunts] Okay, okay, okay, yeah.

[sighs] I don't even know why
we have this stupid bike. It was Mohan's.

I always hated it.

[upbeat music playing]

So, what do you think of my new hog?

What is wrong with you?

I gave you strict instructions
to buy a moderately-priced sedan.

You did,
but I received other instructions...

from California.

-What?
-Come on, my love.

We already have your car,

and this will be our fun ride...

[clicks tongue] for date nights.

For date night?

Who am I, Kate Hudson?

Yes, and I am your Matthew McConnicky!

You could sell it,

and maybe we could put the money toward
turning the AC on every once in a while.

Turn on the AC?

There are people in Siberia
who'd k*ll to be this hot.

[sighs] But yes,
perhaps I should sell this bike.

[McEnroe] At lunch, Devi beelined it
to where she knew Paxton would be,

the most intimidating place at school...

the Hot Pocket.

It was where all the best-looking guys
in school ate lunch.

We're talking Marcus Jones.
We're talking Eddie Tan.

Hell, we're talking Trent Harrison.

But Devi was determined.

So she swallowed her nerves
and walked right in...

Ow. g*dd*mn it!

...where she instantly got hit in the face
with a lanyard.

-Did I just hit you?
-It's cool.

Hey, Paxton, can I talk to you?

[laughs] Okay.

So I thought I would follow up
on our conversation from the other day

and ask if you wanted to hang out later?

Oh, oh, you mean, uh, like, have sex?

Uh--

Sure, uh, maybe... after school today
at my place?

-[stammers] Today?
-Yeah.

That's super soon, which is great.

Soon is great. It's just...

I have orchestra after school today,
so I can't.

But maybe later this week?

I don't know. Maybe.

Okay, great.

We'll compare calendars tomorrow
or something.

We'll figure it out. Later, skater.

What?

[musical instruments playing discordantly]

Greetings, musicians.

I hope your summer didn't go by
too allegro.

Forget it.

I'd like to welcome back Devi V,
our star harpist.

As you all know,
Devi had a really bad year.

We all did, considering what we had
to witness at the spring concert.

You remember what it was.
No need to...

[inhales deeply] spell it out.

When Devi's dad... d*ed.

Anyway, welcome back, Devi!
Let's jam.

Mr. Chan, it smells like sh*t over here.

What? No, it doesn't.

Yeah, it does.

It smells like there is actual sh*t
in this room.

There's not.
The room was cleaned over the summer.

Okay. Well, what about those vents?

Did they clean those vents
over the summer?

There could be sh*t up there.
You don't know.

Eric, enough. We're playing.

Strings, lead us in.

[class starts to play]

[playing continues]

[Eric] Mr. Chan, I can't play like this!

You come over here and sniff,
and tell me there's not sh*t nearby.

-g*dd*mn it, Eric!
-[Eric] What?

I'm gonna barf in my tuba. [retches]

[students chattering]

Paxton!

Hey. I can actually come now.
That scheduling conflict I had cleared up.

-Cool. Get in.
-Okay.

[upbeat music playing]

[car starts]

Holy sh*t.

Twist.

[funky music playing]

[McEnroe] Being inside Paxton's garage

was like getting an intimate window
into his mind.

[door opens]

[speaks Japanese]

[McEnroe] Whoa, Paxton speaks Japanese?

Guess his last name makes more sense now.

Bye.

Sorry. That was my grandpa.

Can I get you a drink?

Sure. Do you have any chocolate--

Ah.

Beer. You read my mind.

All right. Well, my mom will be home soon,
so... better get to it.

[inhales deeply]

[beer thuds to floor]

Oh.

Just so you know,
I have to shave my chest for swimming,

so the stubble might, like,
irritate your skin a little bit.

♪ Is it over... ♪

[gasp softly] Oh, god.

♪ Or are we finally... ♪

You know what? I just remembered.
I have to go home,

because I have a package coming
that I need to sign for.

[McEnroe] Devi was panicking
and pretty bad at coming up with excuses.

-Word.
-Yeah.

It's medication for my mom's... polio.

-[McEnroe] Good lord.
-Yeah, so...

-Ow. g*dd*mn it!
-Oh, sh*t. Are you okay?

Yep, I'm fine.

Are you sure? You're... bleeding.

It's chill. I'll see you tomorrow.

[winces]

[McEnroe] Well, this certainly was not
the walk of shame Devi was hoping for.

And now, her day
was only about to get worse.

[chatter]

What the--?

Uh...

What the hell's going on here?

Devi, is that any way to greet your mother
and your neighbor?

Andrew here was just thinking
of buying Dad's old moped.

What? You can't sell it.

I'm almost 16. I could drive it.

Then every year,
I can go leave flowers

on the part of the highway
where you d*ed in a horrible accident.

But it's Dad's.

He wouldn't want you to sell it
to a discount Luke Wilson.

-Oh, I know Luke. He's a great guy.
-Shut up.

Dad's not here. It's my call.

Mom, you're being such a bitch!

Yeah, you better go to your room
before I give you a smack!

[door slams]

Smacking is still an acceptable punishment
in many minority cultures.

Sorry, we don't have Bagel Bites tonight.

My mom's super pissed at me,
and now she won't make us any snacks,

despite the fact that Bagel Bites, like,
help us study!

[Nalini] You should've thought
about your Bagel Bites

before you called me a bitch!

-[scoffs] Oh, okay.
-Look,

we want to talk about
a different type of snack.

Paxton H-Y.

We saw you drive off with him today.

Did you guys hook up?

Is his penis as big as it looks
in those gray sweatpants?

It's like he's smuggling
a pepper grinder in there.

Yeah, like one of those tubes
of Pillsbury cookie dough.

Yum, yum.

Right, guys?

[Devi] It was bad.

It's like, I think about sex 24/7,
but I don't really know how to do it.

In the movies, you always see the girl
kiss her way down a guy's body,

but then, she moves off-screen.

Is she stopping at the penis,
or kissing all the way to the foot?

-Penis.
-Foot.

See? I thought I was ready,
but maybe I'm not.

Wait. We are smart,

and idiots are banging all the time.

If they can do it,
we can learn how to do it too.

[upbeat techno music playing]

[exhaling deeply]

[inhaling deeply]

[exhaling deeply]

Missionary.

Reverse cowgirl.

The love seat.

Snowmanning.

Jolly Roger?

The Trust Bird.

[McEnroe] Hey, this was
really uncomfortable for me to watch.

[sighs] Hmm.

[scribbling]

[clears throat]

How is... the weather?

Good.

How is the weather for you?

Southern California. Can't complain.

-[Kamala laughs]
-[laughs]

What's interesting about me is...

I'm in a six-year research program

to find preventative treatment
for Lyme disease.

We've had a recent breakthrough,
and it's--

Namaskaar, Maami, Maama.
What she loves to do is cook.

Kamala, tell them about some
of your favorite recipes.

-Tater-tot nachos.
-Hup-up-up.

What she meant to say was
sambar, idli, dosa.

All the classics.
You name it, she can cook it.

Except meat.

I do eat eggs.

-[Nalini laughs]
-[gasps]

[laughs] She's joking.

It's just a catchphrase of one of her
favorite characters on American TV.

"I do eat eggs. I do eat eggs."

-That's how she says.
-I do eat eggs.

[chuckles nervously]

You shouldn't wear so much makeup.

It'll collect on your mustache.

At least I can grow a mustache.

My doctor says any day now.

Who are you trying to impress?

Not that it's any of your business,
but I'm kind of seeing someone,

and I have a date after school.

[scoffs]

Devi, the only person you're seeing
is your therapist,

because you went straight-up psycho
and couldn't walk for three months.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I won't be able
to walk again tomorrow,

because I'm about to go get railed.

Peace out, virgin.

Yeah, you can come see the bike
whenever you want,

and yes, it's in perfect condition,
not one scratch.

Okay, bye.

["I Sink I Sink" by Living Hour playing]

♪ I sink, I sink... ♪

Hey, we already have one perfect daughter.

That is all we need.

Our family is complete.

Why don't we go outside? Hmm?

Take some fresh air.

It'll make you feel better.

I don't want to feel better.

Trust me.

♪ ...think of reality ♪

Oh, oh, oh.

There is nothing to worry about, my love!

I had the bike blessed at the temple.

[music fades]

[McEnroe] Devi had prepared all she could,

just like I did for the US Open Final
in '84 when I won in straight sets.

[grunts]

But if she was gonna win her first major,
she had to put her game face on.

[scooter thuds to floor]

[sighs] Okay, Devi. You can do this.

You can do sex.

It's like riding a bike...

except the bike is a man.

-'Sup?
-[yells]

[pants]

I'm just finishing up a run.

Okay, cool.

So do you need to stretch or something,

or are you good to just go
into your garage and have sex with me?

Um...

I'm good to go to the garage.

[sniffs]

So, here we are...

about to pleasure each other.

But before I can rock your world,
I need to freshen up.

Can you point me in the direction
of the ladies' room?

I wouldn't wanna pee
in the middle of doing it.

Yeah, that'd be bad.

-First door on the right.
-Thanks.

["Dancing (Downtown)" by Yacht playing]

♪ Doing it ♪

♪ All over ♪

♪ All over again ♪

[spits]

♪ Pretty face, can you do it? ♪

♪ We've got it made ♪

[sniffs]

♪ You'll be down ♪

♪ You'll be downtown ♪

[sighs]

♪ Dancing ♪

♪ Welcome to your pleasure ♪

♪ Pleasure ♪

♪ Just don't make a... ♪

[yells] Jesus Christ!

[winces]

-[knocking on door]
-[girl] Are you okay?

I heard you yell.

I'm Paxton's sister.

I dropped my phone in the toilet.

It's clean now. It dried fast.

Oh, okay.

Hey, can you help me with something?

Uh, sure.

I'm going to the movies with my friends.

Which pair of jeans is the fiercest?

Oh.

For sure the distressed ones.
They look hot.

Yeah, I got them at Old Navy.
I work there.

Cool. I got fired from retail.

They said my hands were too sweaty
to fold clothes.

So are you Paxton's new girlfriend?

You think I look like one
of Paxton's girlfriends?

No.

Because you don't look like a skank.

-Damn, girl. Savage burn.
-Thanks.

I'm Rebecca.

I'm Devi. It's nice to meet you.

What are you doing?

Becca, I thought you were at work.

I switched with Lisa.

She gets her braces off tomorrow.

You said you were just going
to the bathroom. What the hell?

Wait. Are you mad at me or something?

[sighs]

Have fun at the movies.

[Rebecca] Nice to meet you.

Why are you sneaking around my house
and talking to my sister?

Was I not supposed to?
I didn't even know you had a sister.

Oh, you think I'm hiding her now,

because I'm embarrassed of her,
or something?

-No, I didn't say that.
-Okay.

I don't think this is gonna work.
All right, you should probably just go.

[sighs]

[sighs]

["All Yours" by Widowspeak playing]

[Nalini] Devi, let's go!
Traffic is heavier than usual!

There was a dead body found on the 101.

♪ I stopped looking... ♪

Paxton, can I talk to you?

[laughs]

[chatter]

[Fabiola] Oh, my God!

Were you just at the Hot Pocket
with Paxton?

Because you-- Oh, my double God.
You don't even have to say another word.

I can already tell
you're not a virgin anymore.

-You're glowing.
-No, um...

Devi, this is amazing.

You just went from the person in school
that everyone felt sad for

to the person in school
that everyone is gonna be jealous of.

[McEnroe] And there it was, the truth.

Everyone pitied her.

And if Devi came clean now,

she'd be back to being nothing more
than the school's sob story.

Yeah. No, it's crazy.

I can't believe I'm a woman now.

It feels totally different.

[Alex] Hey, Fabiola.

Can't wait to hit up
Wetzel's P's with you this weekend.

Same.

Oh, my God.

We basically all have boyfriends now.
Can you believe our lives?

[sighs]

[McEnroe] Devi was rattled.

For a girl who always knew
all the answers,

she didn't know what to do.

How could she make things right
with Paxton if he wouldn't talk to her?

-He was less than two feet away, but--
-[teacher] Devi.

I asked you a question.

[McEnroe] Oh, sh*t. Apparently,
Mr. Shapiro asked Devi a question.

I missed it too.
I was talking to you guys.

Name seven groups
the Nazis wanted to exterminate.

Oh, um...

the Jews, the disabled,

Freemasons, bench republicans,

the q*eer community, Jehovah's Witnesses,
and, um...

Uh...

May I, Mr. Shapiro?

Yeah.

It's the Romani people, Mr. Shapiro.

[Mr. Shapiro]
That's right, Ben. Good work.

It's okay, Devi.

I know how hard it is
to memorize seven facts.

[quietly] Yeah, well,
I wish the Nazis would k*ll you, so...

Devi, what was that?

Yeah, Devi, please share your mumble
with the rest of the class.

I said I wished the Nazis would k*ll Ben.

[class gasps]

-[boy] Man...
-[girl] Oh, sh**t.

What the hell, Devi?

You can't just go around wishing Nazis
would k*ll classmates.

Especially ones who are...

-Jews?
-Yes, exactly. Your words.

Devi, apologize to Ben right now!

-I'm sorry.
-You're gonna have to do better than that.

I'm sorry. I'm just messed-up.

I'm just a messed-up person
who ruins everything

and will never find happiness.

And why should I? I don't deserve love.

I'm a rude teenager,
who disrespects her mother.

I wish I was the dead body on the 101.

Okay, that was dark.

[inhales]

Principal Grubbs, if it's okay with you,
I'd like not to press charges.

Okay, we really
weren't discussing that, Ben.

Um...

So why don't you two work it out...

and don't tell your parents. Okay?

Ben, I'm really sorry.
I don't want Nazis to k*ll you.

It's okay.

I could tell something bigger
was bothering you.

Besides being pwned
by your intellectual superior.

I'm assuming the date didn't go well?

Everyone thinks Shira
and I are this perfect power couple

going to fundraisers at restaurants
owned by Lisa Vanderpump.

She's one of my dad's clients.

Yeah, that comes up a weird amount.

Yeah, but my point is,
even Shira and I have our ups and downs,

but we make it work.

'Cause I push her intellectually,
and her hotness elevates me socially.

You're gross, Gross.

But thanks.

[locker shuts]

[kissing]

Steve, wait. We can no longer date.

What?

It's complicated,

but my parents want me
to be with someone else.

[sighs]

Is it because I coach
a really bad track team?

CalTech's not known
for having great athletes.

Most of my team

-are too embarrassed to wear shorts.
-No, that's not it.

My parents don't know about you...
at all.

But we've been dating for three months.

And they have been three terrific months.

You have shown me so many fantastic places
in the city.

The Hollywood sign, Venice Beach,
Olive Garden.

But I have a duty to my family.
I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Steve.

["Come And Go" by Brighter Later playing]

[phone buzzes]

[Eleanor] Proud of you for boning Paxton!

♪ And soon ♪

♪ There are leaves ♪

Mom, I'm hungry!

There's no food in here,
except for popcorn,

chips, hummus, and leftovers, and stuff.

Mom, where are you?

I know you're here. Your car is outside.

Mom!

♪ And when you show ♪

♪ The shapes you pose ♪

♪ Count the ways ♪

♪ I see you move ♪

[music fades]

Kamala, this lemonade is too sour.

Then don't drink it!

-Jeez. Sorry.
-[door opens]

I've decided, we're keeping the moped.

Not for Devi. For my personal use.

The keys will be hidden.
End of discussion.

And furthermore,

if you ever use the B-word with me again,

not only will you never drive the moped,

you will never drive, period.

Because you will be dead.

I understand. I'm so sorry.

I'm very excited for taco night.

Mm.

Kamala, the lemonade is a bit too sour.

Excuse me for caring
about this family's sugar intake!

[scribbling]

Devi, there's a boy here to see you.

[exhales]

-Hey.
-Hi.

Let's talk over here.

I wanted to say I'm sorry for yesterday.

I'm just kind of protective of my sister.

She used to get bullied pretty bad...

even by people I thought were my friends.

I guess I've always been
a little too protective.

Like, when my parents first adopted her,

I used to sit by her bed every night
with a Nerf g*n.

That's why our cat only has one eye now.

Paxton, I would never make fun
of your sister.

She's super fashionable
and way cooler than me.

-[both laugh]
-[knocking]

-No laughing.
-Mom!

I'm so sorry about your polio,
Doctor Vishwakumar.

What?

Well, thanks for the apology.

If we're cool,
should we meet in your garage tomorrow?

Actually, I don't think
that's a good idea anymore.

It just got weird, you know?

[scoffs] Yeah, sure.
I was gonna say the same thing too.

Okay.

Well, uh... I'll see you at school.

["Peaches" by Milk & Bone
and Alex Lustig playing]

[sighs]

[door opens]

♪ Dressing up for the party ♪

♪ A tie dye shirt and too much jewelry ♪

♪ Lemonade and Fuzzy Peaches ♪

♪ I've had enough of all these b*tches ♪

♪ Don't know the difference
Between right and wrong ♪

♪ I don't care, I wanna feel it all ♪

♪ Rosy cheeks and pockets full of dreams ♪

♪ Let's pack a bag and never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ Never come back ♪