06x04 - Surprise!

[bunniefuu]

Okay, guys,
that is my cat eye tutorial.

It probably works better
if you're not a dog,

but anyways, like and subscribe.

Oh, and RIP Nelson Mandela
and Paul Walker.

Love you, sassy boys!

I just don't feel like
doing a makeup tutorial today.

Dad! I'm sh**ting a video!

Demi!

I really thought me and Buzzy
were built to last,

like Brad and Angelina,
or Gwyneth and Coldplay Man,

or America and its current love affair
with Rebel Wilson.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking
about my personal life.

I just feel so alone.

Aw! Thank you.

Hey, Pickle Pack!
Gettin' ready for another job interview.

I think I'm just gonna lie
about having experience. Right?

I got the job! I'm a systems analyst?

I got fired my first day
as a systems analyst,

but then I got a job
as an air traffic controller!

I got fired my first day
as an air traffic controller.

But then I got a job as a waitress!

So, I've been seeing someone.

He's a yellow lab,
and he's so handsome and friendly.

Mister asked me to move in with him!

- Hi, Mister!
- Oh, are you taking a video?

Thank you, queefburglar69,
for that lovely cartoon heart!

Get a load of this cool house,
Pickle Pack! Lights, off. Lights, on!

Thank you, Robot House!

Check this out. The Thunder Room.

A place to wait out thunderstorms
and Fourth of July celebrations!

Thunder door, close!

Closing.
Thunder Room secure.

Cute!

He got down on one knee and everything!
He was so nervous before he asked!

Of course I said yes!

- I think Mister is still in shock!
- Engaged! That's what we are now!

Ring filter!

So, I guess I liked the play.

I was just surprised at how different
it was from the movie.

I kept waiting for the baseball part.

And so many dysfunctional relationships!
All the cheating and lying!

I'm sure glad we're not like that,
right, Mister?

Um, Pickles, would you mind
turning off the livestream?

There's something I need
to discuss with you. Privately.

Ooh, I hope it's something good!

The wedding is off!

Hi, I'm here to see BoJack.

You're... too late.

- What?
- He's... gone...

- No!
- ...to a party for the night.

Here's the address.
Sorry for all the wincing.

I put too many jalapeños
on my... sandwich.

A party? With alcohol?

No, a lame party, without alcohol.

Uh...

Don't worry. We sent him
with a trained sober companion.

He'll keep him out of trouble.

This is Eduardo.
He's here to keep me out of trouble.

Say, aren't you
one of those fainting goats?

Only if I panic.

So, what makes you panic?

Nothing. The whole point is
he doesn't panic. Sober companion.

You know what makes me panic?

Most of the time
I'm an ocean-levels-rising guy,

but sometimes I like to dwell

on the fact that
there will always be invisible walls

between myself and those who claim
to know me.

That sure is nerve-racking,
but the only thing that makes me panic

is the thought
that I might someday drink again.

A toast to that never happening!

Very helpful. Thank you, Eduardo.

Oh, I'm just Greg, a guy Mr. Peanutbutter
met at a gas station once.

I honestly don't even know
why I got invited to this party.

You know, I got a few TV ideas myself.

Franco, nobody wants to hear
your time-travelling orthodontist pitch!

Demi, you are lighting a long fuse
on a short stick of dynamite.

Oh, whoop. And a big one at that.

Diane! Didn't think I'd see you here!

Could you go tell BoJack to come out
so I can talk to him?

What? I don't have time
for your classic Diane wackiness.

We gotta get these to the balloon room!

- Hey.
- Hey, look who's back in town!

Wow! Baby! Cute!

She's crawling all over the place.

I wasn't gonna bring her out,
but another nanny quit on me.

Carlotta quit, huh?

I assume she resigned in disgrace

for not making good airplane noises
when she feeds Ruthie?

No, she said she felt
she was being watched all day.

Impossible! I'm there around the clock,
observing her every move.

- If she was being watched, I'd know!
- Uh-huh.

Uh, where do these balloons go?

Hello, Pickles' best friend Ilana.

Pickles' other friend Ilana.
Didn't think I'd see you here.

And then of course, there's always
the looming fear my spleen

could up and re-twist itself.

How are we back in a conversation?

It's like I'm trying to canoe out to sea

but the current keeps washing me back
to the same shallow backwater.

- Hey, there you are.
- Thank God, I'm so glad you're here.

- Never leave my side.
- I have to tell you...

- Okay, everybody get to your places!
- What's happening?

Mr. Peanutbutter's and Pickles'
surprise wedding!

Surprise wedding?

The wedding planning
was stressing Mr. Peanutbutter out,

and Pickles loves big romantic surprises.

And I'm not doing much
except for sitting at home

watching Princess Carolyn's
terrible nannies,

so naturally I thought,
"Ooh! Surprise wedding!"

- Where are they now?
- I got them two tickets

to Angels in the Outfield.

- The movie?
- The play. It's like six hours long.

Do you mean Angels in America?

Whatever it is,
after that feel-good comedy,

they'll be in a great mood for a wedding!

Wow. Okay...

Look, I cannot be here.
Just... I'm moving.

Great, your apartment's a dump.
Where are you moving to?

Uh, not Echo Park. I'll never see you.

- Chicago.
- Chicago? "Chicago" Chicago?

Ooh, they just pulled into the driveway!

- sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
- Why Chicago?

Everybody hide and stay quiet.

Remember, as soon as the lights go on,
just jump up and yell, "Surprise!"

Lights, off!

Um, Pickles? Would you mind
turning off the livestream?

There's something I need
to discuss with you. Privately.

Ooh, I hope it's something good!

It's not.

- Lights...
- Wait!

Before Robot House assaults us

with the harsh unforgiving glare
of our energy-efficient bulbs,

I need to tell you this.

But it's so dark in here.

What I'm about to confess is so shameful,

I can only admit it
in the cover of shadow.

Don't be silly. Lights, on!

- I cheated on you!
- Surp...!

Did someone just say something?

Don't change the subject!

- You cheated on me?
- I am so sorry.

- How could you do this?
- It was the worst mistake of my life!

And I once played Twister
with Bryan Singer

at Kevin Spacey's party
for Andy d*ck's early parole.

- Ugh!
- I've been in the Thunder Room every night

for months trying to swallow my shame.

But I can't. And I've apparently been
so racked with guilt I left the door open.

- Thunder door, close.
- Closing.

Thunder Room secure.

Help! Please!

Just because you feel guilty,
that doesn't make it okay.

Are you the time I went to see
Lady Gaga in concert

and she didn't sing "Paparazzi"?

Because I am hurt,
and I am confused, and I am angry,

and nobody told me there was going to be
an encore, so I just went home and...

Why am I even talking to you?

I need my best friend. I'm calling Ilana!

But, honestly,
can Ilana even relate to me anymore?

Since she got that
new Sunday-to-Thursday job

she's turned into a real
See-You-Next-Friday.

I never thought I'd say this,

but sometimes I feel like I prefer
my other friend Ilana.

Sometimes it's just easier to talk
to a person who has nothing else going on.

- What?
- Please don't tell the Ilanas about this.

I'm gonna tell everybody about this.
I'm a Gemini.

No! Think of my family!
They need me to be strong right now.

Poor Captain Peanutbutter.

He recently confided to me

he feels trapped in a loveless marriage
with Mrs. Captain Peanutbutter.

Well, can you blame her?

Excuse me?

Every time I get trapped
in a conversation with Captain,

I think, "If I was married to this guy,

I would gnaw my own hand off
just to get the ring off my body."

At least no one in my family
has anger issues.

My father has come so far
with his anger management classes!

I'm sorry, but your father is a hot head
with a little pug complex.

Everyone makes excuses for his outbursts.

"I don't know what's gotten into Franco.

He's not usually like that."

- Trust me. He's like that.
- How dare you.

And the way your mother provokes him!
I think they get off on it,

and they're making us unwilling
participants in their kinky foreplay.

Ew! Those are my parents!

And don't even get me started on Greg.

That guy that I met once
at that gas station!

- Why are you bringing him up?
- I don't know, but he sucks, too!

- Oh.
- There, I got it off my chest.

I know who I need right now.

No, Pickles. Please don't TweedFeed this.

I understand your Pickle Pack
is part of how you process pain.

Wrong, Mister Mister.
The Pack isn't part of anything.

They are everything.

When I stabbed myself in the eye
with a boba straw,

they all sent me photos
of themselves wearing eyepatches.

And when my Grandma Piccolino d*ed,

stickyvicki was the first person
to say "LMAO. Sorry for your loss."

My subscribers are with me
through thick and thin.

And they have never strayed. Unsubscribe!

I never thought this would have

so much practical application in my life,

but you could tie some sheets together
and make a rope.

- Pickles, wait!
- No! You stay!

Bedroom lights, on!

- Down!
- Go, go, go.

The wedding is off!

He cheated on me!

- Freezer, ice.
- Dispensing.

Water filter, filtrate.

Oh, I have to talk to her!

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Let's hit the bricks and quick.

- Um, Princess Carolyn...
- Oh, fish!

I mean, I've been hurt by guys before.
But this, I just feel so stupid.

My God, thank you, not even.

Hi. I know you are quite upset, but...

Are you not listening?
I told you to leave me alone.

- Right, but...
- Oh! You want a makeup tutorial?

Here's a makeup tutorial:
We are never making up!

- Wha...
- Door, slam!

Okay. Here's how to look
like a crying, pugly freak!

So, you're gonna want a mascara
that really runs...

- So, why Chicago?
- What?

What's the draw?
Is it the rampant g*n v*olence?

Or do you just like seeing improv actors
who aren't good enough for LA?

- Or is there a guy?
- Uh...

What's his name, your suitor?
Your gentleman caller?

- Guy.
- Fine. What's your guy's name?

No. Guy is the name of the guy
I'm not moving to Chicago for.

What's the name of the guy
you are moving to Chicago for?

I think we're done here.

- Ruthie.
- This is all your fault.

If you hadn't creeped out
every nanny I hire...

I wouldn't have to monitor them so closely
if you hadn't hired a bunch of quacks!

Ooh! Duck!

What's with all this mid-century furniture
so close to the ground?

- No one had to hide in the '50s?
- Close to the ground, that's it!

We've gotta think like a baby!

I'm a baby. I don't have a job.

I love being wrapped up
in soft, red hoodies.

And when I'm feeling low,
I like to get high.

Ruthie's a climber!

Just as I suspected.

Fresh drool. It's Ruthie.

Todd!

So, I obviously can't
marry him, right?

What do you guys think I should do?

Hey. Give me that.

"You should make Mr. Peanutbutter
take you to the park,

far away from this mouse."
What mouse?

Great idea!

Door, open!

Hey, Mister! Take me to the park!

- Can do!
- I'll be right down!

Okay, Pickle Pack,
let's pick out an outfit.

What says, "I am going to survive this
because I am strong,

- but you should still feel very bad"?
- Uh...

Go, baby! Go to mama! Oh.

But what if we go for a walk and he says
all the right things and I forgive him?

I can't make it so easy for him, can I?

Oh, my God.

That is an even better idea, MarciFartz.

Hey, Mister!
Cancel the park and come here.

What? Stay out of my sh*t, MarciFartz!

- On my way, darling!
- Kitty up.

Bring me my favorite drink.
Exactly the way I like it.

Then we'll talk.

Of course, right away!

Of course he'll make
my drink perfect.

Because he's perfect!

I mean, look at him!

And... and... Look at him!

Um... Oh!

And him, as portrayed
in this boardwalk caricature drawing!

I didn't know he liked tennis
and skateboarding.

What else has he been hiding from me?

I mean, is it me?
Was I not good enough?

Yeah, I'm not the problem!

In fact, why am I even in his house?

I need to pack!

I'm going
to a fancy-ass hotel.

And...

I'm gonna try to get my room comped
in exchange for social media promotion!

And then they'll say no.

And then I'll pay for the room
and drag them online.

Hate to leave you hanging.

Yeah.

Wait a minute! Why should I leave?

He's the one who cheated!

He can live in the dog park
for all I care!

But then, why do I want him to stay?

I'm so confused.

Good call, t_chavez!

You're welcome. Oh, no!

Phew!

Boba Maker. Uh... boba make?

Would you like whipped cream?

Uh...

Hey, so, uh, sobriety. How is it?

Impossible.

Uh...

There's no clear path to the exit.
You can wait it out, I'm doing the window.

It's not because of me
that you're moving to Chicago?

No. I need to go.

Pickles? Precious?
Possible point of complexity...

Son of a bitch.

...I know your favorite drink is boba,

but just the other day, you said,

"Whipped cream
is the best thing in the world"

immediately followed by,
and this is a direct quote,

"So, keep it as far away
from me as possible!"

I just wanted to circle back.

Yeah.

Don't get me wrong,

I love the challenge of trying
to square two irreconcilable positions.

Where's the baby? There's the baby!

Where's the baby?
sh*t! Where's the baby?

Bang-crash, you say! I hear the note.

I'll be right back with your drink
prepared exactly the way you want it!

Here.

- You know how in AA they give you chips?
- But no salsa?

Using that.

But they're a big deal, the chips.

Sure, they brainwash you into thinking
they're more important than they are,

but when I got my two-month chip...

I thought, "I wish Diane could see this."

I see it. It's amazing.

It would not be improved by salsa.

Door, open!

No! No!

Hmm.

Sunshine, I have your boba.

No whipped cream, I hope.

Of course not.

You always know how I like it.

Is there any chance we could talk IRL?

Intimately, rigorously, lengthily?

You know, what's funny
is now I actually want the whipped cream.

Well, good news, because, uh...

- Hmm...
- I don't want to be mad at you.

That's great!

- No, it's not...
- I know I caused you pain,

but we can get through this.
I still wanna marry you.

Do you still want to marry me?

Promise me you'll never lie to me again?

I promise.

Then I guess we could put it behind us
if it just happened the one time.

It did! One time! One unit of cheating.

Comprised of two separate instances.

- What?
- But the spirit of it was once.

Well, at least you told me right away.

- It happened a few months ago.
- What?

- But I'm being honest with you now!
- Okay.

- At least it wasn't with someone I know.
- It was Diane.

Diane, the nice lady
from the chew toy store?

Diane, my ex-wife?

That's so much worse!

You are a bad dog!

No. No. No!

Come on, Eduardo. Hold it together.
You're not just a fainting goat.

You're a trained sober companion.
Just do what the sign says.

No!

- Vacuum, stop.
- Stopping.

Coin sorter, sort.

Oh, Coin Sorter,
I'd love to toss my problems in a tray

and say, "Here, sort these out."
I know it doesn't work that way,

but if only this smart house
could give some advice to this stupid dog.

- Go to her.
- Coin Sorter?

Go to Pickles. Go now.

I don't know, Coin Sorter.
I've already screwed everything up so bad.

I should sit here
and wait for her to come to me.

No. You go to her. Leave this room.

- Okay.
- But don't talk so much!

- What?
- It is I, the robot, uh, thermostat.

Thermostat, I should have known.

I can always count on you
to cool things down

when they get too heated.
You were saying?

Sometimes you try to fix problems

or make them go away,
which comes off as dismissive.

If you want to solve this, listen.
Really hear her.

Beep-boop. Seventy-two degrees.

Okay.

Is this mess
why you're moving to Chicago?

I told you,
I'm moving for me.

I get it.

- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yeah.

- I mean... I don't know.
- You seem okay.

But the reason I had to tell you
I was leaving,

the reason I came
to my ex-husband's house,

was because I need to know
that you're gonna be okay.

I need to hear you say it.

I can't leave if I don't know
you're going to be okay, BoJack.

- I'll be okay.
- Promise?

Because if something happens,
and I'm in Chicago...

That's not a friendship,
that's a hostage situation.

Go to Chicago. I'll be fine.

Thank you.

- Hey!
- Ruthie?

Ruthie!

There you are!

Let's get you away
from these delightful choking hazards!

You know, Todd, you have a knack for this.

Would you wanna be her nanny?

I do know her routine
and all of her favorite foods

and how to do funny voices
for bedtime stories,

unlike Carlotta who does voices
like Cameron Diaz

"did a voice" for the Shrek movies.

So, that's a yes then?

I don't want to be mad at you.

It sucks that I have to be mad at you.

This should be
the happiest time of my life,

but now because you did something stupid,
I have to feel bad.

That's not fair.

And I still love you and...
I still wanna marry you.

But you can't do things
that hurt me like that.

It's not okay.

And if we just go back
to the way things were before

and pretend nothing happened,
I'm gonna feel stupid.

We can't just go back.

How can we make this right?

Don't just stand there!
I'm talking to you.

I'm sorry. I want us to stay together.
I want you to trust me.

I wanna make us even somehow.

Even? The only logical way to be even

would be if I got to sleep
with somebody else.

Okay. If that's what needs to happen.

- Really?
- Yeah, we just have to think who...

Buzzy. My high school boyfriend, Buzzy.

Very quick with that name, but okay. Fine.

No, you don't even know him.

Knowing is what hurts the most.

What if I sleep with Buzzy and Tyler
from Soul Cycle?

- Two people?
- Well, maybe we can keep brainstorming.

If we put our heads together,

I know we'll find the perfect guy
for you to cheat on me with

that makes it totally even,

so things can go back to normal
and we can get married.

Thank you.

- Hey, guys.
- Diane?

I'm just here to randomly apologize
for that time we cheated on Pickles twice.

It was a big mistake and it was my fault
and it will never happen again.

Also, I think I left my wallet here

when I came to your party
a year and a half ago.

If you find it, probably under the bed
in the master suite,

could you mail it to me?
I live in Chicago now. Thanks.

This is Eduardo. Don't mind him.
He's just keeping me sober.

Found the baby, had a blast, gotta go.

- And here's your boba.
- Thank you.

Odd.

- Oh, my parents are calling.
- Fun! Put 'em on speaker!

♪ Back in the 90s
I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman
Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long
I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying
To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack! ♪