06x08 - A Quick One, While He's Away

[bunniefuu]

[monks chanting]

- [waves crashing]
- [bell tolling]

A hummingbird smiled at me
on my walk this morning.

In small pleasures such as this,
I'm reminded of the presence of the Lord.

- As you ought.
- And yet...

- No.
- Out with it, Sister Marguerite.

To hesitate is to waste time,

which is a sin when time
could be elsewise spent in prayer,

or handwashing Monsignor Toscani's
1962 Alfa Romeo,

which is itself a form of prayer,
is it not?

Of course. Yet I find myself consumed
by thoughts of my past.

You have no past. You've confessed.

Your sins have been washed clean.

This is like day one stuff,
what are we talking about here?

The people I've hurt,
the lives I've ruined,

are they washed clean as well?

Your regrets are of no benefit
to the Lord.

Ruminating so is a solipsism unbefitting
a sister of the cloth.

Is it solipsism to be concerned
with the fates of others?

Perhaps one could argue
cloistering oneself from the world

is itself a form of solipsism.

[stammers] If one were being ungenerous.

Remember when you first arrived here
and you didn't talk for like two years?

I will trouble you no further, Mother.

Lord, how you challenge me
with so vexing a pupil.

- [car engine starts]
- Hmm?

[shouts] What dereliction is this?!

When you get to Heaven,
look up Margo Martindale!

I won't be there, but my movies will!

- [tires screech]
- [Margo shouts]

[theme music playing]

I wanna know what's changed
since the strike.

Are assistants treated better or have
things reverted to business as usual?

Yeah, give me ten inches.
I also want a roast beef sub.

- Six inches.
- [intercom beeps]

- [woman] Paige Sinclair is on her way up.
- Ah, sh*t.

She's the best reporter
this building's ever seen,

but, g*dd*mn,
is that woman a pain in the ass.

[Paige] Colleagues!

Your eyes do not deceive!

You may find my gown overly formal
for the workplace,

but that is because I am, as of today

formerly a member
of this vaulted institution.

As I'm to be wed tonight

and the newsroom is no room
for a domesticated woman,

- I bid you farewell.
- [man screams]

Okay, goodbye.

Yes, mine was a storied run
as the star reporter for "The Reporter."

"Front Page Paige," they called me!

- Well, we'll miss you, Paige.
- Indeed.

My shoes don't fill easy,

my left foot striking a more robust
silhouette than her starboard sister.

But I cannot prolong my engagement.

After all, time, as they say,
is a river without banks.

Time may not have banks,
but this periodical certainly does.

Maximillian Banks, at my service!

[scoffs] Maximilian Banks.

I may lack your nose for news,
but I've got an eyeball for a highball!

Why, this man couldn't
string together two clauses

without ending on a preposition.

I don't know what you're referring to.

You could fill a library
with all the things you don't know.

In fact, they do.
They call them libraries.

Guys, we're trying to work here.

No matter, I shan't be staying.

My sweet betrothed, Baxter Bellamy,

awaits with champagne
to chauffeur me directly to my nuptials,

and I didn't think I'd visit long,

so I left him in the car
with the windows up. [chuckles]

Good, I've got business
to attend to as well.

I'll have you know it's almost time
for my mid-morning confabulation

with a former stage mother to the stars,
Mrs. Carol Himmelfarb-Richardson.

You've been taking those phone calls?!

Yes, she is as loony as a Canadian dollar,

but she is a scintillating
conversationalist.

Oh? What about the conversation
scintillates?

She calls every day to see if we have
any information on her dead daughter.

- The answer's always no.
- Sounds like a scoop.

It's not. It's a pop star who overdosed.
Open-and-shut case.

- All the better for opening and shutting.
- Why do you have that?

Baxter, my boy,
my dear sweet beautiful bridegroom,

best put the champagne on ice.

I've got a story that simply demands
my attention

and I just couldn't marry you
before it's settled.

I'd only be distracted,
which isn't fair to you or me.

Oh, darling, I've already committed
to being your wife.

What, you need to hear a few measly words?

Well, "I do." Does that satisfy?

I do, I do, I do,

and I do want you
to wait for me to ring you again shortly.

[snorts] I knew you'd understand.

Oh. Mm! [snorts]

Now, as to the girl.
I smell beans. Spill 'em.

The girl's name was Sharon Lynn.

It's Sarah Lynn.

Hmm...

♪ Don't you touch my prickly muffin ♪

Did you ever notice that this music video
takes place in a planetarium,

- and Sarah Lynn d*ed in a planetarium?
- Huh.

- Uh... Hey, Tawnie.
- [music stops]

Are we going to this party?

I didn't come all the way down
to Manhattan

to just watch you watch your boyfriend

be on the internet
at his parents' fancy house.

Don't parent-shame him, Hollyhock.

It's not Trey's fault he grew up
in an Upper Westside brownstone.

Also, I'm not her boyfriend.
We're uncomplicated like that.

Come on! We're missing the party.

What? No. If we show up before 2:00,
everyone's gonna think we're losers.

Fine. But can't we do something else
while we wait? [gasps]

Let's explore the city!

- [sighs]
- [siren wailing]

The Big Apple.

There she is.

Apparently, there's a bar around here
called Hartigan's.

My cousin and his friends call it
"They-Don't-Cardigan's." I don't get it.

Wow, a real New York bar.
That could be cool.

Yeah, a bar! But how often are we
in New York?

Let's go to the top
of the Empire State Building,

like the big ape
in that movie, Sleepless in Seattle!

All right! Big building!

[thunder rumbling]

Lord, we thank You for this bounty... Ella?

That place you sent me didn't fix me.

Because I am not a thing to be fixed,
Daddy.

Have a seat. We're havin' bacon-blasted
chicken fingers from Chicken-4-Dayz.

I'm not staying. I'm going to a place
where the people accept me.

You sit your ass in that chair, Ella,
because that place is right here.

Oh, Daddy!

That's what I wish I'd said.

I haven't seen Ella in four years,
but every night I bring home dinner,

I get an extra bucket of bacon-blasted
chicken fingers just for her,

so that if she ever comes home...

she'll know that she's welcome
at our table.

Huh?

Kelsey Jannings,
our little indie film darling,

I think I speak for both of us
when I say gooba, gooba, hey, yah, yah!

Tears. Feel my cheeks.
Damp cheeks over here.

I do notice it's not
as Chicken-4-Dayz-focused

as maybe it seemed in the outline stage?

Talk us through your journey there.

What do you want?
You want a close-up of the bucket?

Ooh, I think that would make it
feel like a commercial,

and what's so innovative
about this content

is that it's not a commercial.

Right, I forgot about the innovative part
of it. Excuse me.

Our target demo responds poorly

when they feel
they're being advertised to,

but they love stories that engage them
on their level,

utilizing themes of inclusivity,
as well as dunking on the olds.

Ah, yes, teens love dunking on olds,
is there any way to get more of that in?

- Well, we already sh*t the ad.
- Not an ad.

The immersive product placement journey.

But maybe I can find takes
that are in more of a dunking tone,

as well as sh*ts
that highlight more prominently

but do not feature the bucket
of chicken-bacon finger-blasters.

Thank you for letting us help you share
your beautiful vision with the world.

No. Thank you.

[bicycle bell rings]

[scoffs] I'm sorry, it's bullshit.

A gig's a gig.

And Vassar doesn't accept indie cred
in lieu of my daughter's tuition.

I just don't believe it.
You're a way better director than I am.

If you'd told me that one day
you'd be doing chicken commercials...

- Not a commercial.
- That you'd be doing

sponsored content pre-roll
for Beverly Hillbillies reruns on Gronkle

while I'm directing another
action-adventure blockbuster,

this one set in the world
of competitive ballroom dancing,

working title, "Balls to the Wall,"
if you'd told me that...

You'd be super-stoked?

Yeah, first, I'd be really stoked,

but then eventually,
I would get around to being outraged.

- [coughing]
- [groans]

It is fun that we're both working
on the same lot, though.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- [cell phone buzzing]
- Sorry.

- What now?
- [man speaking indistinctly]

Again? Okay.

- Yeah. I'll talk to her.
- [phone beeps]

What are these new pages?
Why do I have new pages?

You don't like the new pages?

[groans] The content of the pages
is not the issue, Justin.

- Yeah.
- I spent time preparing the other pages.

You understand?

I rehearsed them. I studied them.
That's precious time I'll never get back!

And then some person...
I don't know this person...

And by the way, I don't like strange
persons knocking on my door

and then letting themselves in.
The knock is so I can tell you to enter.

If you just enter,
what is the purpose of the knock?

You're right, of course.

My point is about the pages.
Why are you throwing new things at me?

The insurance guys are nixing
the car chase.

We had to think fast, so we put together
a new hand-to-hand combat scene

we're gonna throw on top
of the meringue number.

- So, it's a stunt?
- I thought you'd be excited.

I'm excited!
It's more time spent on your face.

Ever since I directed you in that episode
of "FBI: Female Body Inspectors,"

I thought... [chuckles]
"I gotta give this woman her close-up."

Don't produce me, Justin.

[sighs] Is there choreography?
When am I learning this stunt?

April's gonna be on set.
She'll make sure you understand the stunt.

- And it's gonna be safe?
- We are taking every precaution.

And we are not gonna sh**t
until you are 100 percent comfortable.

Thank you.
I didn't mean to bite your head off.

- I just don't like being surprised, okay?
- Totally my fault.

I should've warned you.

Is there something else going on
that I should know about?

I'm fine. I'm actually being
really cool here.

I'm not some kind of monster
just because I don't like surprises.

I'm number one on the call sheet.
I'm entitled to a little respect.

No, you're right.

I mean, I've worked on projects
where the number one on the call sheet

was like an actual crazy person,
so I think I'm being really cool.

- You are being so cool.
- Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

[Gina] Can you wait
until you're out of earshot

to make your exasperated sighs, please?

Yes, sorry!

[jazz music playing]

[all] Huh? [dogs panting]

[chuckles] Kelsey! You can't
compare yourself to Justin Kenyon.

- What's the difference?
- The difference is he has a great agent.

[chuckles] That was a joke,
but I see you're in no mood.

I'm a good director.

Yes, but Justin's movies
make actual money.

The last big movie you were on,
you got fired off of.

Explain this to me.

I didn't break
into the Nixon Library alone

and yet I'm the only one
whose career has suffered.

Why do you think that is?

Kelse, I don't know by what fancy
the fates push us about

in their great cosmic dance.

- I am but an agent.
- What about these stories I keep hearing

about how people wanna hire
more female directors?

Oh, they want to, they want to so bad.
Just not for this particular project.

Which particular project?

Anyone. I mean, you name it.
Whatever Paul Feig's doing.

You need to get me out of director jail.

Even Roman Polanski works more than I do,
and he should be in actual jail.

[laughs] Yeah, for his last
couple of movies, at least, right? Woof!

No. Not for his last couple of movies.

Carol, be a doll and tell this dame
what you told me.

I just don't understand
why my daughter would start using again.

She was sober.
She was going to AA meetings.

You suspect foul play?

Listen to this,
the last voicemail I ever got from her,

- a month before she d*ed.
- [beeps]

[Sarah Lynn] Hey, Mommy.

I got out of a meeting
and we're making amends,

so I just wanted to say I'm sorry
I'm such a disappointment. [chuckles]

I'm sorry my platinum records clashed

with the chic minimalism
of your new sun room.

And I'm sorry I didn't introduce you
as my older sister

when we met David Hasselhoff
at the Kids' Choice Awards.

And I'm sorry I've never been
enough for you, Mommy!

What an angel.
She just wanted me to be happy.

What is the "we"?

- What?
- Yeah! At the beginning.

She says, "We're making amends."
Who's this "we"?

[camera shutter clicking]

You know, we don't have to go
to this party if you don't want to.

What? I'm the one who keeps saying,
"Let's go to the party."

The only reason I came down here was so
we could go to this party and get drunk.

Come on. I've gone to like
a hundred parties with you.

You always say you're gonna drink,

and you never do, which is fine,
by the way!

No one's ever offered me a drink.

I keep waiting
for this famous peer pressure

I've heard so much about
and it never happens!

You wanna go have a drink? Here I am,
your peer, pressuring you.

[chuckles]

I'm nervous about losing control,
you know?

I think drinking alcohol
might not be for you.

But I don't wanna be scared of something
that's supposed to be fun.

That's why I wanna go to that party
with a bunch of strangers.

Because if I'm gonna lose control, I don't
want it to be in front of people I know.

- Okay, weirdo.
- [chuckles] You're a weirdo.

Because I am not a thing to be fixed,
Daddy.

Do you think we should ADR her saying
"Daddy-o"? Is "Daddy-o" more of a dunk?

- [groans]
- [cell phone rings]

- Hello?
- Um, hello?

Am I speaking
to the future director of "Fireflame"?!

- What's that?
- "Fireflame"! It's a superhero movie!

Ugh. Another one?

Yes, but the difference is this one's
about a lady superhero,

which means this one you could
actually get hired on!

I don't want them to hire me
just because I'm a woman.

Ugh. You think Justin Kenyon says,

"I don't want them to hire me
just because I'm a man"?

Of course not! He says, "Money,
money, money. Nom, nom, nom."

I have heard him say that.

Besides, they don't want this
to be just another superhero movie.

They're looking for someone who can make
a superhero movie with a twist!

So, what, they want me to pitch the twist?

- No, the twist is that it's a woman.
- Oh.

But they do wanna hear your take,

by which I mean they want you,
as a woman, to tell them their take.

Hmm...

[man] I've been saying for years

as soon as we run out
of popular male characters

and we've given them each two sequels,
we have to make a movie about Fireflame!

I think that's really edgy
and outside the box.

Outside is exactly where we're trying
to be, in relation to the box.

We really think Fireflame can connect
with today's Yas Queen culture.

Yeah, I got a real Yas Queen vibe
from her.

She comes in, she saves the day,
everyone loves her!

- Wow.
- Oh.

Didn't I tell you this would make
a great movie?

Uh, pretty sure I told you, Nancy.
I have always loved Fireflame.

I'm sorry. I remember now,
you did tell me that.

Well, uh, thanks for coming in.

We're obviously gonna hear a lot of takes,

but it seems like you have
a special connection to the material.

I do.

[elevator dings]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[Paige snorting] Aw. Aha!

I'm famished. Let's find a place where
I can get a glass with an olive in it.

Try to stay on task, won't you, Maxy?

If Sarah Lynn was going to meetings here,
someone must have seen her,

and if someone saw something,

then I wanna know it,
particularly as it pertains...

What crime have I committed
to deserve so long a sentence?

I've got a point.

Once you arrived at it,
send me a postcard.

The starlet was alone
when she d*ed, right?

But there was someone else
with her while she was blotto.

Who was that person? What'd they see?

And why weren't they mentioned
in the police report?

There's your who, what and why.

Get a when and a where in there,
and we've got ourselves a story.

Bully for you, you're almost caught up
to where I was an hour ago.

Let's chat again in an hour
when you've gotten to where I'm at now.

Sounds good.

In the meantime, someone in this building
might just offer the key

that opens the gate to the garden

with the tree that bears the fruit
that is our scoop.

Get someone to squeal on an AA meeting?

I do believe one "A"
of the two stands for "anonymous."

The other "A",
I could not possibly fathom.

I envy your faith in the honor
and discretion of other people.

Let's see how that honor stacks up
against the desire

to dish on celebrities
so as to appear swank by association.

Excuse me, kind stranger.
I'm writing a story

- on the efficacy of your program.
- Uh-huh.

I understand one of the pillars
is anonymity, but if you could...

I once saw Craig Ferguson here!
I don't know why I said that.

[gasps] Oh.

I really shouldn't say. It's anonymous,
but I have seen Robert Downey, Jr.

Jamie Lee Curtis winked at me once.

Colin Farrell, Russell Brand,
the Ikea Monkey.

- Sarah Lynn, I've seen.
- Really?

About a month before she d*ed.
It was pretty clear she was using.

Well, how do you figure?
Did she say something?

She didn't, but her friend did.

- Her friend?
- Large fella.

I think he was a horse
or a bull maybe, it's hard to remember.

Kind of like a rounder Brad Garrett type,
but with a very forgettable face.

He told a story, though, I remember that.

It was about a trip he took to...
New Mexico.

- Oh?
- Yeah, it was about a girl and a mother.

Oh, this is so long ago now.

I think he had sex with the girl,
or maybe he had sex with the mother?

Well, do get your story sorted,
but I'd prefer it if it's sordid.

And this man left with Sarah Lynn?

Do you recall anything else
about this man, his name, perhaps?

No, but I remember the girl's name.

Yes, Sarah Lynn,
now we're all up to speed.

No, the girl from his story.
The one in New Mexico.

He was weirdly proud of it,
said her name was Penny Carson.

Carson, eh?

"Penny Carson," he said. "And that's
her real name, you can look her up!"

I remember thinking,
"Why does he want us to look her up?"

[both] Hmm.

So she's sexy,
but don't you call her sweetheart.

- [laughs] Boy.
- Oh, that is so Fireflame.

- [yelps]
- Oh, wow!

- Stop!
- What?

- I'm sorry, I can't let you...
- Uh, excuse me.

Are you already... Sorry.
I'm sure she's got a great pitch,

but the movie you want,
it's just not realistic.

Sure it is.
Wendy Wiggum ate fire as a baby

and now she holds the power
of the Fireflame. It's all very logical.

No, I just mean you're doing this
all wrong.

She saves the day,
and everybody loves her?

I mean, yeah, that makes sense
if she's a man.

But it's never worked like that for me.

Well, this isn't about you.

That's right! It's about an exotic dancer
who's also interdimensional.

No. I mean the rules are different
for women.

If you're a woman
and you save the day, nobody loves you.

People take you for granted,
or worse, they resent you.

They punish you.

The more powerful you are,
the more they'll take your power away.

And I just think if your movie is smart,
you'll acknowledge that.

- Ooh, yeah, sounds like a bummer.
- Yeah, it's a bummer.

Being a superhero is hard.
Otherwise, everyone would do it.

Okay, well, thank you for...

Maybe that is a bad superhero movie.
Not aspirational enough, I don't know.

But it's real. And it's different.

Also, in my version, she's gay. Okay, bye!

[door closes]

[elevator dings]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[tango music playing]

You're not bad for a beginner.

Wrong on both counts.

I'm no beginner. And I'm very bad.

[both humming]

[groans]

- [shouts]
- Whoa!

Ow! What the hell?

- Cut! Is everyone okay?
- I don't know. Do I have a concussion?

- You fell like a foot.
- [groans]

- Why did you drop me?
- Why'd you scream at me?

- Hey, guys...
- I didn't know he was gonna dip me.

- That's not what we rehearsed!
- You said to have fun with it.

I meant fun energy.
I didn't mean change the choreography.

I can't do this. I am number one
on the call sheet...

- [overlapping dialogue]
- ...and all I ask for is a modicum

- Breaking news! She's number one!
- of respect and professionalism.

Okay, let's everybody cool down.

Do not tell me to cool down
like I'm the crazy person here.

I'm just trying to have
a safe workplace environ...

I had you.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?

- I'm... I'm going home.
- Gina, we need to get this sequence,

- and we are already behind.
- Not my problem.

I get that you're mad, and you're
totally right, but everybody else here...

Not my problem.

- [Gina sighs]
- [grunts]

You got that dip, though, right?

[dance music playing]

Okay. Trey and I will be in the coatroom,
doing hand stuff.

- Otherwise, you don't know anybody here.
- [chuckles]

[indistinct chattering]

- [grunts] Hey!
- Sorry.

- [gulping]
- [laughing]

[groans]

[snoring]

- [breathing heavily]
- [muffled noise]

[heart b*ating]

- [man] Oh! What do you see?
- What?

You're having an anxiety att*ck, so look
around the room and tell me what you see.

I-I see people partying and passing out!

What else do you see?

Um, books. Pizza boxes.
I see light fixtures.

I see an odd amount of floor poofs.

- Okay, now say your name.
- Hollyhock.

- Last name too.
- No, we'll be here all night.

- You feel any calmer?
- Yeah, actually. A little bit.

It's a trick my psychiatrist taught me.
It's supposed to help you ground yourself.

- Thanks.
- Except for the saying your name part.

That's not really part of it.
I just wanted to know your name.

Oh. Okay, cool.

I-I'm Peter, by the way.

Just so you don't have to wait for me
to have an anxiety att*ck too. [chuckles]

- Hollyhock.
- Yeah, I know.

Oh. [chuckles] Right.

So, this party's kind of crowded.
You wanna go get some air?

Yeah. But it's pretty cold out.

- Oh, yeah, that's true.
- But we're wearing jackets!

Also true.

Darling, you must keep the cake cold

and the flowers fresh
for just a moment longer.

This story has revealed itself

to be thornier than a rose bush
and just as sweet. [chuckles]

When shall I return?
Well, I haven't sorted that out yet.

It seems I've gone
to New Mexico for a spell.

- [wind howls]
- Whoa!

Well, we're here.

So I wanted to talk to you because
I'm directing a new movie: "Fireflame"!

"Fireflame"? Get that money.
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

Yeah. So I need an actress.
Someone tough, but vulnerable.

I know you're working with Gina Cazador.
What do you think of her?

[stammers] Look, if you've seen her work,
you know what she can do.

She's very versatile. Really talented.

But personality-wise, what's she like?
Is she good to work with?

I can't risk any drama on set.
There's too much riding on this for me.

[sighs] If I'm being honest,
I can't recommend her.

- No?
- Especially if you have a lot of stunts.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
she's great on camera. She just...

- Uh... She can be a little difficult.
- What do you mean?

I don't know what happened.

I worked with her a couple years ago,
she was great, but, um...

[inhales sharply]

Oh, you know who'd be perfect?
Courtney Portnoy!

Oh! I love her.

I've heard nothing but good things.

[gulping]

[coughs]

It's fine.
You're not even supposed to like it yet.

It tastes okay-er over time.

Yeah, I'm kind of aspiring to be okay-er
over time myself.

You know, I actually didn't even drink
for like all of college.

I had some sh*t go down
in high school, and...

You know, there was this girl in my town.
Anyway, it's a long story.

No, I wanna hear it.

Okay. She had this man
living in her house.

You mean like more than one dad?

No, no, she had just the one dad,
but then there was this other guy.

- Weird.
- Totally weird, right?

Okay. So this girl was best friends
with my girlfriend.

We all went to prom together:
me, my girlfriend, the girl, and the man.

Wait, the man went to prom with you?
Yeesh.

That's not even the yeesh-iest part.

This guy bought us bourbon
and practically forced us to drink it,

and then when my girlfriend
got alcohol poisoning,

he just ditched us at the ER.

Was your girlfriend okay?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, it was scary in the moment.

We were there all night
and they pumped her stomach.

And I was pretty traumatized for a while.
[stammers] But things are good now.

Things are good. Because at some point,
I realized it wasn't the alcohol's fault,

or Maddy's fault, or my fault.
It was just some shitty dude, you know?

Totally.

But you know the craziest part of all?

The guy, he's actually kind of famous.

- Really?
- Yeah, I never heard of him,

but it turns out
he's kind of a movie star.

Who is he?

[exhales] Um...

Who is he?

♪ Back in the '90s
I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman
Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long
I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying
To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack! ♪