06x15 - The View from Halfway Down

[bunniefuu]

What you got there?

I think it's a hydrangea.

Does she even like that kind of plant?

Probably not. She doesn't like anything.

Hello, BoJack.

Thanks for having me, Mom.

You're the guest of honor.

Everyone, BoJack is here.

Hey, buddy! Get in here!

- For you.
- Oh, a plant.

Dirt for inside. Goody.

You got here just in time, BoJack.

A bird flew in through the window

and we're having trouble
getting her out of the house.

Yeah, call yourself early
and go get a worm!

Golly, she's more coy
than a coyote claiming a cottontail.

Ahem. Phone for you, Mrs. Horseman.

Thank you, butler.

- Is that Zach Braff?
- Who?

Zach Braff. Actor, independent filmmaker,
real-life friend of Donald Faison?

- You mean my butler?
- At your service!

I actually was friends with Donald
in real life.

He's a spectacular man...

- Butler!
- Sorry! Phone call for you.

I'll take it in the kitchen.

BoJack, make yourself useful for a change
and help, will ya?

With the bird?

Hello? Oh, it's you.

All right. That does it!
Son of a...!

With a drop like that,

you'd think she was the ratings
for Veronica's Closet

when it moved to Mondays.

Ugh. Comedy poison.
Who wants to laugh on a Monday?

BJ! Finally made it
to our little soirée, huh?

Yeah, I kept having this dream
where I was having dinner

with all the people who were gone
and I thought, "I should do that!"

So, here I am.

- We've got to flank her from the left.
- Huh?

Hello. Crackerjack?

That's what it says on my underpants!

The uncle I never met
and yet could never live up to!

All right, soldier. Ready, aim...

Huh?

Hey! What's up, man?

Hey, Corduroy. Good to...

Still weirded out because the last time
you saw me I was naked,

hanging from my iPhone charger,
holding a lemon, with a very erect penis

despite being deceased in my trailer
for over an hour?

Yep.

You're gonna have to get over that, buddy.

Hmm. Mm. Ooh.

- What are you...? Stop that.
- Oh! Oh, sorry.

Forgot where I was for a second.

- Think this'll help?
- Kid's got the right idea.

We can chuck the choker
and spook her with this poker!

- Show her who's boss!
- Ruffle her feathers!

Get her to the kitchen!

And that!

- All right!
- Go!

Ha-cha!

Yes, yes, BoJack bullied a bird.
Bully for him.

Speaking of useless,

my husband is running late,
so we're gonna start dinner without him.

He'll be here before the show starts,
won't he?

He'd better be.

In the meantime,
let's adjourn to the dining room

before our dinners get
as cold as my parenting style.

I think mine would be

the first time someone asked
for my autograph.

- Really?
- Oh, wow!

I didn't even know how to write my name!

I just drew a squiggle!

- Water?
- Thank you, Zach Braff.

You only get to give
your first autograph once, you know.

The second time it becomes an obligation,
the third time a chore.

- But the first time...
- The first time...

- Hey. What is that?
- Ah, ah, ah.

Shh.

- Mm.
- Okay. My turn.

Mine was also when I signed
on a dotted line to enlist.

Are you ready to sing "The Lollypop Song"
in the big show later?

No, Mom.
You know I never make it to the show.

I didn't know then that enlisting
would lead to my two worst parts.

You have two?
I didn't know we could pick two.

Corduroy, it's a conversation,
not an assignment.

- In that case, I have three.
- Three is way too many.

My worst parts were saying goodbye
to my mother

and seeing a b*llet go straight
through my general's face,

right before it hit my own.

At least your death was instantaneous.

I can still hear the loud drips of my IV
from when I had cancer.

- Drip. Drip.
- Ooh.

- What about you, BoJack?
- What?

Best part, worst part, what about you?

Well, I guess my worst part
has to be, um...

Right before I got here, I think? Uh...

I went to Angela Diaz's house.

Ugh!

Does anyone else's water
taste like chlorine?

Hey, Braff, can I get
some different water over here?

Right away, Mr. Horseman.

Crackerjack, do you think your death
meant something

because it was in the service
of a greater cause?

- Aw, shucks.
- Of course it meant something.

I think questions like that are too big
for a little soldier like me.

My brother gave the ultimate sacrifice.

- Because sometimes I wonder...
- But see, this is where I get hung up,

because when we valorize
the idea of sacrifice,

- of loss, of suffering...
- BoJack, don't start with this again.

When we grow up
in a house that does that,

we internalize this idea
that being happy is a selfish act,

but sacrifice doesn't mean anything.

- Yes, it does.
- Sacrifice?

In the service of something greater,
maybe, but just in and of itself?

- What's the good in that?
- A lot.

Sacrifice is good.

It has to be because I sacrificed a ton,
and I was freaking awesome.

Oh, and what did you ever sacrifice?

I gave everything.

I gave my whole life.

You d*ed in a hedonistic bender.

I'm not talking about my death.

I'm talking about my life.
I gave my whole life.

If we get into everyone's whole life,
we're gonna be here all night.

It's called "Best Part/Worst Part,"
not "Everything That Ever Happened."

Okay, worst part:

the 2007 "Sexually Confident Virgin Tour."

My manager leaked nudes
to get more tour dates added,

my mom pointed out every carb I ate,
it was hell.

But it gave millions of fans
a show they will never forget.

And that is worth something.

No, that's a high you chase.

- It was not.
- You think you singing songs on stage

is the same thing as this guy
who d*ed liberating the camps?

We don't need to compare
apples to Auschwitzes.

Herb, tell 'em. It means something...
the work we do, the joy we bring.

It has to, right?

Boy, I sure thought so.
I-I used to really believe in it.

I mean, I was one "trapped in an airport
during a snowstorm

on the eve of the dance championship
guest starring Gregory Hines" episode

away from an Emmy.

Then I lost it all.

Ow! Seriously, is no one noticing
this leak?

Fine, we'll get a bucket.

- The drips are hitting me!
- Then you'll hold the bucket.

But the funny thing is,

it wasn't until I got fired
that I actually became myself.

I was out of the closet. I was free.
I was authentically me.

What does being authentic
have to do with anything?

Well, when I wasn't hiding
behind some facade, I could be at peace.

That's when I really got
into philanthropy.

- Can I ask you something, Herb?
- Why do people say that?

If you're asking it, then yes,
you can and you will and you just did.

Yeah, why are we announcing our questions?

Yeah, what are these questions, royalty?

Announcing King and Queen Query
of the Interrogative Isle.

May I ask you how do you do?

- Very well, thanks.
- Ah, bup, bup, bup!

I didn't ask you yet.
I asked if I could ask you.

Did you get pleasure
from your charity work?

Like real, deep pleasure?

It dwarfed every other joy in my life.

Doesn't count then.
If you got pleasure, it wasn't selfless.

And it's only good if it's selfless.

Who made up that rule? I helped people.

Who cares if it made me feel good, too?

Feeling good is inherently selfish.

If I'd given myself to Christ,
truly went down the path...

I don't care for this talk of religion
in my house.

If I wasn't constantly
trying to feel good, get it better,

always looking for maximum pleasure...
That was my worst part.

Well, one of the three worst parts.
Wait, actually, can I have four?

Discovering you in your trailer
definitely cracks my top five.

This is bullshit!

I did a lot for a lot of people!
I was not a bad person.

No one is accusing you
of being a bad person, Sarah Lynn.

You are! You all are

with your "being authentic"
and "charity work" and "k*lling Nazis."

I actually never k*lled a n*zi.
All my kills were friendly fire.

I also never liberated any camps.
I'm honestly not sure what I did.

Here you go.
Your husband just pulled up, ma'am.

Wait, Dad's here?
He's never made it to dinner before.

- Hey, here's a question.
- Another question has arrived!

Did any of you have a song of yours
played in outer space?

Anyone? No. Just me? Oh.

That's what I thought.

My hit single "No, No, No"
is making its way to Mars!

That means something.
I will be remembered.

That has to mean something. I will be...

Sorry I'm late. Did I miss the show?

- Hey!
- There he is! There's our guy!

- Dad!
- I...

Oh, you didn't miss a thing.
It's not like we have anywhere to be.

Why shouldn't we all bend ourselves
to your schedule?

I already apologized. I was running.

Yes. As always, running late,

while I was running myself ragged
trying to get dinner on the table.

Yes, you helped.

And now I'm running out of patience
for you running your mouth.

And I'm running out the clock
until we both...

Well. Here we are.

I'll just squeeze in here.

- Get yourself something nice.
- Ooh! Thank you, Mr. Secretariat.

- What'd I miss?
- We're playing Best Part/Worst Part.

Ooh! I got one! Machu Picchu.

When I left "Horsin' Around,"
I honestly thought about k*lling myself.

sh*t, Herb. Really?

Yeah. But the Knicks
were having a good season

and I wanted to see what happened.

Wait, you didn't k*ll yourself

because the Knicks
were having a good season?

What would you have done
if they were having a bad season?

I don't know. Gotten into baseball?

Oh, for the love...
Where's your follow-through?

It's like you didn't even
wanna k*ll yourself!

And I'm so glad I didn't.

Because there I was ten years later
at Machu Picchu

and I realized there was so much more
I could do in a life.

Okay, my turn.

August 22nd, 1973,
I was banned from running ever again.

And running, well, that was the only thing
that ever made sense to me,

so if I couldn't do that I was nobody.

- This is your worst part?
- Best part: jumping off that bridge.

- Jesus.
- What did I say about the Jesus talk?

It was my choice.
I got to go on my own terms.

Not a lot of people can say that.

- No.
- That's true.

The view from up there.

Eh, you wouldn't believe it.

Oh, my.

- It must've been from swimming earlier.
- Oh, you were swimming?

Yeah. I, um...

- When was I swimming?
- Don't think about that.

- Do you have a best part?
- Oh, uh, I don't know.

This past year I took a teaching job.

And I had this one student
who was really struggling,

just couldn't get over this hump.

And what, you helped him
do good in a scene? For your class?

That's the best part of your whole life?

I don't know, I was just spitballing.

I didn't know you were gonna put me
on the spot like this!

Come on, buddy.
What was so special about that moment?

It felt good to help someone do something.

See? Helping someone, like I said!

But he liked it because it felt good,
like I said!

I liked it because it reminded me
of when I was young, just starting out.

You and me, screwing around,
hitting up open mics.

Trying to figure it out. I think...

- I think that was the best part.
- Really?

Well, are we ready to start the show?

- Let's do this!
- Okay, nice seeing you all!

You're not coming?

This is always the part where I wake up.
You all go to the show.

Zach Braff says "Pardon my reach"

even though he can clearly
get my plate from another angle.

- Then I wake up.
- Oh, okay.

Next time then.

Pardon my reach.

Hmm.

Hello, everyone!
Please take your seats.

Tonight's show is in honor
of BoJack Horseman!

What do you say, huh?
Should we get this show started?

Yeah! Tonight's opener
needs no introduction,

but I'm gonna give her one anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only, Sarah Lynn!

Thank you, thank you!

I'd like to dedicate tonight's performance
to the man of the hour, BoJack Horseman!

Sarah Lynn, I'm so sorry
for everything that happened with you.

With us. I should have protected you...

Ah, ah, ah. BoJack. This is my time.

Yes. Of course. Sorry.

♪ Life is a never-ending show, old sport ♪

♪ Except the minor detail that it ends ♪

♪ The overture's a lifetime
But the show is short ♪

♪ Here with all your family and friends ♪

♪ You run the race
You blurt your lines ♪

♪ They put your face
On shirts and shrines ♪

♪ And giant signs a thousand feet tall ♪

♪ And don't stop dancing
Don't stop dancing ♪

♪ 'Til the curtain call ♪

♪ Shows are a never-ending life
Of course ♪

♪ A silhouette that stays
When you are gone ♪

♪ What use is the struggle
And the strife, old horse? ♪

♪ End it and your legacy lives on ♪

♪ The chatter stops
The crowd departs ♪

♪ A needle drops, the music starts ♪

♪ A song you taught me when I was small ♪

♪ Don't stop dancing ♪

♪ Don't stop dancing ♪

Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn!

Okay, performing
an interpretive aerial routine,

your friend and mine,
and a k*ller hang...

...Corduroy Jackson-Jackson!

- Where did Sarah Lynn go?
- Shh.

- Try to enjoy the show.
- Ha!

- Where does this door go?
- Sit down, buddy. You'll get your turn.

- No, I need you to tell me... What?
- Watch out!

That's a series wrap
on Corduroy Jackson-Jackson!

Down in front, please?

All right,
let's keep this show going, huh?

Next up, you know him, you love him,

please a give a warm, warm,
burning hot welcome to...

- Hey. You wanna grab a smoke?
- ...Zach Braff!

Yes. Yeah, let's get out of here.

Oh-ho, whee! I'm honored.
Honored, honored.

So, what's on the other side of that door?

The nerve of that guy.
With the beard. Herb?

Yeah. Herb.

What, he says he's at peace?
'Cause why, Machu Picchu?

- I don't buy it.
- I don't know. I... I believe him.

I promise you,
every single person in that room

would go back if we could.

Peace? That's someone
trying to convince himself of something.

- Of what?
- That life has meaning or purpose, that...

that if you check the right boxes
and do the dance,

then you get a little parting gift
at the end,

a framed certificate that says,
"Congratulations, you've got peace."

- I wouldn't mind that.
- But guess what?

All the time those people spent,

trying to do good or help people
or be something?

I did none of that sh*t,
and yet here I am, same as them.

You were the fastest runner in the world.
You inspired millions.

And yet, here I am, same as you.

So, if you could go back, do it again,
what would you do different?

What would I do?
I wouldn't have cared so much.

Cared about what? Racing?

About everything.

I know this part is confusing
because I'm Secretariat

and also your dad for some reason,

but speaking as your dad,
it's important that you know that I cared.

No. You never cared.
You cared about your book.

You cared about getting drunk

and telling everyone
how miserable you were,

but that's not caring.

You think I didn't care
because I put up walls,

but I cared so much, BoJack.

About you, about your mother.

I wanted you to respect me.
I wanted you to love me.

I was so afraid that you would know that.

I cared so much.

It's a shame that we could never
talk like this in real life.

All the good it would have done.

Least we got the chance this time,
before I wake up.

Wake up?
Oh, you're not getting it, are you?

Getting what?

Loss is a collaborative art,

between the people who leave us
and those who remain.

We dance with the shadows
of their absence.

- With that in mind, I present to you...
- Stop the show!

- Excuse me.
- What's happening?

You're being very rude.
I was about to do my roller-dance routine.

- Calm down, son.
- Yes, why don't you sit down, and...

- No!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no. Please!

I'm not ready. I never got to direct
my Backdraft remake:

"Zach Braff's Backdraft"!

I never finished my memoir:

"I Started A Zach Which Started
The Whole World Braffing!"

I never got to license

the Zach Braff Short Stack
Breakfast att*ck at Shake Shack!

Cash-strapped hash brown fans
who hashtag "Zach's snacks"

get cash back fast
with the Braff Bucks app!

I need to wake up. I can't be here.

Of course. Everything's always about you.

- BJ, buddy...
- Herb! How did I get here?

How the hell should I know?

I broke into my house.
But it wasn't my house anymore.

I was... I was watching
the "Horsin' Around" Blu-ray.

Yes. Yeah, and I drank some more
and I found some pills.

And then I went swimming...

No! No! No! No, wait, wait, wait!
I got out of the pool.

Yes! And I called Diane!

BoJack, we're trying to do a show here.

But I called Diane.

I couldn't have drowned
if I got out of the pool to call Diane!

So, I shouldn't be here.

If I could just finish
the conversation. Where's a phone?!

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a real treat for you next.

A real treat.

Come and see him
before he makes a run for it.

- No! Stop!
- It's Secretariat!

Stay calm. Flyin' off the handle
won't change a thing.

This was gonna happen to you
one of these days.

A poem. Original, obviously.

It's called "The View from Halfway Down."

"The weak breeze whispers nothing
The water screams sublime

His feet shift teeter-totter
Deep breath, stand back, it's time

Toes untouch the overpass
Soon he's water bound

Eyes locked shut but peek to see
The view from halfway down"

I'm not done. Hold on. I'm not done.
I'm not done.

"A little wind, a summer sun
A river rich and regal

A flood of fond endorphins
Brings a calm that knows no equal

You're flying now

You see things much more clear
Than from the ground

It's all okay, it would be
Were you not now halfway down

Thrash to break from gravity

What now could slow the drop?

All I'd give for toes to touch
The safety back at top"

I change my mind.
I change my mind. I don't wanna...

It's okay.

"But this is it, the deed is done

Silence drowns the sound

Before I leaped I should have seen
The view from halfway down

No! I really should have thought
About the view from halfway down"

Find your peace, big guy. Find it.

"I wish I could have known
About the view from halfway down..."

I need to get out of here!

- Wha...
- BJ, where do you think you're going?

Nothing you do in here matters, pal.

Yelling and struggling isn't gonna
pull your body out of that pool,

- so you might as well just...
- Sit down!

But I...

Look, BJ, it's possible that someone
is going to find you and save you,

and it's also possible that someone won't.

We don't get to know.

Can I ask you a question?

Has anyone ever come back from this place?

BJ, there is no place.

It's just your brain going through
what it feels like it has to go through.

All you can do right now
is sit back and enjoy the show.

Folks, here is Beatrice Horseman

with her younger older brother,
Crackerjack!

Hoo!

This is the hard part.

Golly.

And now the easy part.

Over and out!

Wow. Beatrice Horseman, huh?

You know, she was gonna sing
for us tonight,

but apparently, she was a little "horse."

Okay. You ready for the headliner?

No.

Please welcome to the stage...

No. Please.

The star of "Horsin' Around"

and "The BoJack Horseman Show"!
"Philbert"! "Secretariat"!

The upcoming "Horny Unicorn"!

Son of Butterscotch and Beatrice!

Husband to no one! Father to none,
that we know of!

Stand-up comedian, actor,

crippling alcoholic!

A talented charmer
and a stupid piece of sh*t.

It's... BoJack Horseman!

Is it terrifying?

No. I don't think so.

It's the way it is, you know?

Everything must come to an end,
the drip finally stops.

See you on the other side.

Oh, BoJack, no, there is no other side.

This is it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I... I need to make a phone call.

Hello?

Someone? Anyone?

I'm looking for a phone.

Diane! Diane! Are you there?
Diane! I need you!

- BoJack?
- Diane! Thank God!

Thank God, Diane. Okay, Diane.
Diane, you're gonna save me, right?

I called you
and you're coming to get me?

BoJack, why did you call me?
I live in Chicago. I can't save you.

- You didn't pick up.
- Right.

- It went to voicemail.
- Yeah.

And then... I went back in the pool.

- It's too late. What's done is done.
- No.

There's nothing I can do, BoJack.
I'm not real. None of this is.

- So, what do I do now?
- BoJack, it doesn't matter.

Well, if it doesn't matter,
can I stay on the phone with you at least?

Okay.

How was your day?

- Good.
- Yeah?

Yeah. My day was good.