02x03 - .. opened a textbook

[bunniefuu]

["LADY LUCK" BY RICHARD SWIFT PLAYING]

[WOMAN] This is Paxton Hall-Yoshida.

He's a 16-year-old boy from

Sherman Oaks, California,

and I am model, designer, activist,

and a former 16-year-old

from California, Gigi Hadid.

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

[INAUDIBLE]

You may be asking yourself,

"Why is Old Gigers taking

time out of her busy skedge

to narrate the story

of a 16-year-old boy?"

- [PHONE VIBRATING]

- Believe it or not, I relate to this kid.

We're both constantly underestimated

because people only

see us as sex symbols.

She would find some time ♪

To spend with me ♪

[HADID] When scientists declare your

face to be perfectly symmetrical,

that's all everyone thinks

you have to offer the world,

but we've got brains,

too, and feelings, and

Paxton, dude, put a shirt on!

I'm trying to make a point here.

Anyway, we have so much

more going on inside.

At least that's true for me.

We'll see what happens with Paxton.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Lady luck, she is lovely ♪

[GROANS] Dude, my arm. What the hell?

I just wanted to make

sure you're not faking it.

Wow, you're, like, really hurt, bruh.

[HADID] Uh, yeah, he was

like, "really hurt, bruh,"

but it wasn't just his arm, and

it was all this chick's fault.

[BELL RINGING]

Ever since Devi came into Paxton's life,

it's been nothing but

chaos and confusion.

[SOFTLY] Paxton, I am so sorry.

It's just so weird

seeing you all busted up.

I'm still prettier than you are.

Hey, I have a vibrant countenance

that people find

relatable and appealing.

[HADID] Paxton wasn't

really the jealous type,

but the fact that Devi, the

weirdest girl he'd ever liked,

was two-timing him with Ben Gross

really screwed with his head.

I mean Ben Gross, really?

'Cause I just got that feeling ♪

If I can be better ♪

[HADID] What did Ben Gross

have that Paxton didn't?

Besides a screening room and a

Whoa, is that a Patek Philippe watch?

Damn, I don't even have one of those.

I have some unpleasant news.

According to the powers that be,

I am no longer allowed to test you guys

on your feelings about history.

Apparently, they think

it's more valuable

for you to know about things like dates,

and facts,

and the names of dead white men.

So, is the test gonna

multiple choice, or

[SCOFFS] Multiple choice. Yeah,

you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Can we choose two

answers for a question,

or do we have to commit to just one?

Interesting, Ben. I am definitely

open to there being multiple answers.

No, there should only be one choice,

and Devi should have known what it was.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[MARCUS] Can't believe

you got played by dorks.

Are you not as hot as you used to be?

Am I the hottest one in the group now?

Yeah, Coyote Girl cheated on you

with that Young Sheldon-looking dude,

and now you smell like wet

cast. You've lost your edge, man.

Shut up, dickhead. I

haven't lost anything.

Anyone want to sign my cast?

[HADID] Paxton had no

shortage of female admirers.

Legend has it, he romanced

Kaia Gerber at summer camp

when he was just a boy of ten.

See? The only mistake I made was letting

crazy Devi drag me into her psychodrama.

[LAUGHS] "Crazy Devi"?

Oh my God, that is

so good. She is crazy.

Remember when she fell

in that guy's pool?

That guy? You mean

Ben, your ex-boyfriend?

Oh, right! I forgot about him!

"Crazy Devi." That's hilare. [LAUGHS]

[ZOE] Remember when she

had that weird party?

And that guy fell off the roof?

[LAUGHS] That was me.

[LAUGHS]

[HADID] As a champion swimmer, Paxton

had never worried about college.

He'd already been courted

by some pretty dope schools

like Stanford and UCLA.

So he thought it was weird

when the college counselor

suddenly asked to see him.

Good afternoon, Paxton.

Thank you for meeting with me.

No problem. I didn't even

know this room was here.

Let me cut to the chase. I

spoke to your coach this morning,

and due to the severity of your injury,

you might have to face the possibility

that you might not swim for Stanford.

Well, I'd still be cool

with going to Stanford,

even if I can't swim there.

- [HADID] Oh, sweetie

- [CHUCKLES]

I think we need to cast a wider net.

You see, what you have

are college athlete grades,

and when you subtract the athlete

part, your options tend to narrow.

Wait, so where can I get in?

I'm fine with anything as long as

it's, you know, close to a beach,

has a good basketball team,

the classes aren't too hard,

but like some smart

people still go there.

Ah-ha. Well, let's see.

First off, are your

parents extremely wealthy?

- No.

- All right.

In that case, perhaps a two-year

or community college

might be a safer bet.

Look, we can sh**t higher,

but you'll need to

significantly improve your GPA.

Would you be open to being tutored?

Um I guess.

Great! Because I took the

liberty of setting you up

with the best peer tutor

in the entire school.

[LAUGHS] This girl is an academic beast.

- [LAUGHS QUIETLY]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[DEVI] Uh

Sorry, she didn't tell me it was you.

Oh, you two know each other? [GASPS]

Oh, no. Let me guess.

She was some sort of bet

with your cool friends.

What? No.

I'd rather not go to

college than work with her.

Hey, what are you doing home so early?

Oh, right. No swimming for you, Nemo.

Yeah, no swimming for me.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Wait, do you usually come hang

out at my house when I'm not home?

Yep. I find it's a peaceful

place to sit with my thoughts,

or to watch p*rn.

- Didn't need to know that.

- What's wrong, buddy? You seem down.

Ms. Warner said that without swimming,

college isn't looking too great for me.

Eh, who needs college?

After high school, I'm

going straight to YouTube.

Get this. I'm gonna

react to reaction videos.

[HADID] Yikes.

- Cool.

- I know, right? [CHUCKLES]

Paxton, you good?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm I'm great, man.

I just

kinda don't know what

I'm doing with myself.

I'll tell you what your doing.

You're hanging out with me.

Now that you're free,

we can party every day.

You wanna blow some sh*t up?

- Oh sh*t. [LAUGHS]

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- [EXPLODES]

- Oh!

Oh, yeah!

- [EXPLODES]

- [BOTH] Oh!

- [EXPLODES]

- Oh! [LAUGHS]

Watch the screen and you'll know, Shira.

- [EXPLODES]

- Oh yeah!

- I told you. I told you. [LAUGHS]

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I'm pushing A and the left joystick.

You're not supposed to click

A, and you're not doing it.

You're not moving the left joystick.

[GROANS]

Wow, dude, that reaction

was kind of weird.

[LAUGHING]

Yo, that reaction was good.

That was sick!

Dude, that's a surprising reaction.

[YELLS]

[LAUGHS]

He left. [LAUGHS]

Nice. Really descriptive, bro.

[EXHALES]

Your reaction to my reaction to their

reaction just made my life, bruh.

[GRUNTS]

This week has been the best.

And you know what next week is

gonna be like? Exactly the same.

- [OPENS CAN]

- For the rest of our lives, baby!

[CHUCKLES]

For the rest of our lives.

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]

- Huh?

- I need you

to help me get into college.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

All right. This doesn't have to

be weird. We can be study buddies.

Could I offer you a soda,

or a water, or a hot tea?

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

I actually work a little

better, too, when I'm dehydrated.

Oh. Wow. This book has

not been opened before.

- So where should we start? Math?

- You mean where should you start?

Look, when I said I needed your help,

I meant I need you to do my work for me.

So, when you're done with my

English essay, you can start

What? I can't do that.

That would be cheating.

Cool. Then you should be

really good at it, huh?

- Paxton, let me explain.

- Explain what?

How you thought you could get

away with dating both of us?

[SCOFFS] You must

think I'm such an idiot.

I don't think you're an idiot.

I liked you. You know,

I thought we were

What?

Doesn't matter.

Paxton. I'm really, really sorry.

Look, I could honestly give a sh*t

about you and Ben Gross. All right?

But you trashed my chances

at a swimming scholarship.

So now I'm going to college on a

you-doing-my-homework scholarship.

We good?

Cool.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

Sorry to interrupt, but I did

your math and your English essay,

and I made this serving

dish for your art class.

I think it's a rustic conversation

piece for any elegant tablescape

Cool. You can just leave it right there.

[HADID] I mean, what Devi

did to Paxton was cruel,

but this is straight-up humiliating.

Yo, you're blocking the screen!

Damn, Crazy Devi, you

made me 'splode myself.

[HADID] And Paxton wasn't

enjoying punishing her

as much as he thought he would.

I can't believe you

said that to her face.

- [LAUGHING]

- She was literally blocking the screen.

[HADID] Even getting his very first "A"

felt like a pretty hollow victory.

It's like when you see

an overly photoshopped

swimsuit photo of yourself.

Your butt may look right and tight,

but you know you didn't earn it.

- [LAUGHS]

- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Okay, so I need you to

do the unit six questions

in my biology textbook,

and here is a Spanish take

home quiz on parts of the body.

I already filled in

[IN SPANISH] Eggs.

Bueno. Muchísimas gracias. Adiós.

What?

I'll get these to you tomorrow.

Oh.

Oh. Hey, Rebecca. Cool fit as always.

- Thanks, Devi.

- [DEVI] See ya.

You're making Devi do your homework?

Keep it down, please?

Look, I can explain.

She's the reason I don't have

Any dignity?

No. Ouch. Jesus, Rebecca.

She's the reason I don't have a

chance at a scholarship anymore.

It makes sense for her

to help me. She owes me.

No one owes you.

I had to work so hard to

get into my fashion program.

I know. All right, and I'm proud of you.

Don't you want to be proud of yourself?

I just want to go to college. Period.

And without Devi, I don't

know if I can make that happen.

Then maybe you don't deserve to go.

[HADID] Damn, Rebecca. Drag his ass.

Not that I'm taking

sides. I am his narrator.

And now let the weak ♪

Say they are strong ♪

[HADID] Paxton's parents,

Kevin and June Hall-Yoshida,

ran a local sporting goods store,

and as you can see here,

were a little Jesus-y,

but in a chill way.

Like in a "we've got one

of those fun fish stickers

on our Volkswagen" way.

Amen. So, Paxton, Ojichan called.

Uh, he said, "Email is broken."

So could you go by after school and

help him out? He loves seeing you.

Sure. It's not like I have

anything else going on.

So how's everything at school?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, your college counselor called,

and she said now that

swimming's on the back burner

- I have to raise my grades.

- Yeah.

I know. I got it covered.

Someone's got it covered.

But, honey, to be honest,

I told Mrs. Warner that I'm not gonna

put that kind of pressure on you.

Our family values

kindness over achievement.

Yeah.

You don't think I can get into college?

No, honey. That's not what we meant.

Just school's never been your thing.

Yeah, and we want you to know

that if you don't go to college,

that is totally okay.

You know, just hang back.

Work at the store with me.

Yeah, and we always sell so many

sports bras during your shifts.

[HADID] Whoa, these hippie Christians

have some real low

expectations for their kid.

Like, lower than

Paxton's dad's ponytail.

Have you guys ever thought that

maybe I want to go to college?

- You do?

- Of course.

I want an education, a career.

Well, that's really cool, sweetheart,

but if you wanna go to college,

you're gonna have to work really hard.

I can work hard. Why don't

you think I can work hard?

I'd like to answer that.

No, please don't.

[HADID] It was bad enough his peers

and teachers underestimated him,

but hearing his parents excuse him

from even trying to go to college

really cut Paxton to the core.

What do you want your

new password to be?

- Um, uh, dog.

- That's too short.

- Okay, dogs.

- It needs to be at least eight letters.

Oh, man, that's too

many letters. I'm old.

- [LAUGHS]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yeah?

Ted, how about some fresh lemonade?

[LAUGHS] Cheryl, this

is my grandson, Paxton.

Oh. So handsome. Just

like his grandfather.

- Ah.

- [CHERYL CHUCKLES]

- I'll come back when you're alone.

- [LAUGHS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- Damn, player.

Well, look who's talking. I noticed

all those hearts on the cast.

Yeah, you know. I get it from you.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah. [LAUGHS]

- Hey, Ojichan?

- Yeah?

- Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

Do you think I'm too

stupid to go to college?

What? Who told you that?

Basically everyone,

including my parents.

Oh, what do they know?

Look, don't get me wrong.

I mean, I love them,

but they spend too much time in

the sun. It cooks their brains.

- [LAUGHS]

- You are smart enough to go to college.

You were fluent in Japanese

by the time you were five.

[IN JAPANESE] I think you are a genius.

- Arigato, Ojichan.

- Mmm.

Paxton, people are going to think

all sorts of things about you.

That you're not smart,

that you don't belong,

that you're the handsomest man in

the whole assisted living center.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Yeah?

[WOMAN] Oh, Ted. I made you a chicken.

I'm busy, Gladys!

[LAUGHS]

But, Paxton, the only opinion of

you that truly matters is yourself.

So make yourself proud. Okay?

Now, I want to give this to you. Here.

You try and give this to me every time.

It's a box of books you don't want.

No, they're family heirlooms.

Some of them are very old.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Because this is the

novelization of Avatar.

And you will cherish it

when I'm dead and gone,

and you will pass on the wisdom

of the Na'vi to your grandchildren.

- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

- Now, how about some chicken?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Oh. Hi. I think you should do

your woodshop homework on your own.

It's heavy because it's

filled with birdseed,

but I forgot to put a

hole in it for the birds.

Yeah, I actually don't want

you to do my homework anymore.

Is it because of how bad

the birdhouse is? I get it.

No, no, it's not the birdhouse.

Wait a minute. Is there a

roof on the bottom of it too?

I panicked.

Look, I've been thinking about it,

and I don't want to

cheat my way into college,

so can you tutor me, like, for real?

Of course.

Awesome. Well, we have that

Facing History test on Friday.

Maybe we can start there?

- Yeah, sure. I'd love

- [BIRDHOUSE SNAPS]

Whoa.

All right, who coined the term Cold w*r

in the British press in October 1945?

I don't know. Russia?

No. George Orwell.

- [SIGHS]

- You think the whole country of Russia

sat down at a typewriter

and wrote an essay?

I don't know. This stuff's hard.

Can't you at least try and

make it more interesting?

Like, rap all the facts

like they did in Hamilton?

[SCOFFS] I can't do

that. I don't know how.

- Uh! Yeah.

- Ey.

- [BOTH BEATBOXING]

- [HADID] Oh no. Make it stop.

Soviets put out Sputnik ♪

But they can suck a d*ck ♪

- I can't. I'm bailing. I'm bailing.

- [LAUGHS]

Did you just tell a

satellite to suck a d*ck?

And did you just

remember what Sputnik was?

- [LAUGHS]

- Oh, I did.

- Someone's learning.

- [LAUGHS]

What is a boy doing in your

room with the door closed?

Mom, I'm just tutoring him. Relax.

He wants tutoring?

Fine, but you can tutor him

from further away, right? Move!

- Okay.

- It's studying, not tango class.

There's a boy here?

Oh, you're handsome.

What's your ethnicity?

Let me have three guesses.

No, no, no, let's not

do that. Come, come.

Devi, door stays open.

That That right there

is why I'm good at school.

I live with an army of

badgering Indian women.

- Huh.

- My mom will thr*aten me with bodily harm

if I make anything below an "A."

- It's highly motivating.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

Oh my God, I've got it. I will

be your overbearing Indian mother.

That could work,

but isn't it a little messed

up for you to act like my mom?

- Why?

- I don't know, because we used to hook up.

[HADID] Paxton! Boy, stop.

You know what you're doing

with those bedroom eyes.

Oh, nice.

What's the name of the m*llitary alliance

between the Soviet Union and

several Eastern European countries?

The Warsaw Pact, and that's

a fact. See? I can rap too.

Quality rapping. Okay, who was

the first American man in space?

Wait, we had a trick for this one. Uh

Space, the moon, counting

sheep, shepherd. Alan Shepard!

- How long was the Cuban m*ssile Crisis?

- Twelve days. Ow!

What the hell?

You just brought shame

to your whole family.

Why can't you be more

like your cousin? Hmm? Hmm?

My cousin works at a weed dispensary.

Well, let me just dispense

some knowledge into your brain.

It was 13 days.

[SIGHS] sh*t.

- Hey, it's okay. You got this.

- [SIGHS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

- Yo, Maxi-Pax.

- Told you not to call me that, bro.

No doubt, but look, I snuck

the answers to the test

while Shapiro was out

eating an açaí bowl.

Look, I wrote them on my thigh. [LAUGHS]

Here. Do you want to copy them down?

Nah, man, I'm good. I studied.

What? You studied?

Why can't you be more like

your cousin, the weed dealer?

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[HADID] All right. He wrote

his name. We're on a roll.

Oh no. Short answer?

Where's the multiple choice?

Okay. We can do this, Paxton.

You remember what NATO is.

It's the North Atlantic

Treaty Organization.

The North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Come on, kid, just write "North."

Ugh! Only an assh*le

would smile during a test.

Just start writing, Pax. Write anything.

[PAXTON BREATHING HEAVILY]

[HADID] No, no, no. Don't

panic. Take a deep

Oh damn. He gone.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Hey, are you okay? What happened?

I don't know. It was the craziest thing.

My My heart was racing, and

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

[SIGHS] I mean, all over a

history test. What's wrong with me?

I think you had a little panic att*ck.

I I used to get

nervous before swim meets,

but, I mean, once I hit

the water, it went away

because I knew I was good at it.

Well, you can be good at school

too. You just need to practice.

Were you good at the butterfly

the first time you tried it?

Yeah. I set a school record.

Oh. Wow. That's famously

a very hard stroke.

- Not for me.

- Okay, Michael Phelps. Chill.

But back to the school thing.

I think it's good that

you had a panic att*ck.

Why? It felt awful.

Well, it means you care.

You care about school.

Oh, damn. I guess I do.

Weird.

[SCOFFS] It's not like

it really helped me much.

I definitely failed that test.

I mean, I think I even

got today's date wrong.

Well, it's a good thing you

have a pushy Indian mother.

Get up. Let's go. I want

to talk to your teacher.

- Are you deaf? Get up! Let's go!

- [BELL RINGING]

- Okay. Okay.

- Let's go. Now.

All right. Okay.

Mr. Shapiro, Paxton would

like to retake his test.

I'm sorry, guys. That wouldn't

be fair to the other students.

Mr. Shapiro, because you

bowed to the establishment,

Paxton was besieged by

a crisis of self-worth.

If you don't give him a second chance,

you're teaching him that it is not okay

for young men to be vulnerable,

and are therefore furthering

the agenda of toxic masculinity.

Yeah.

Oh my God. Am I?

Thank you for calling me in, Devi.

Paxton, stop by at lunch.

You can take that test again.

Really? Thanks, Mr. S. I'll be there.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

[PAXTON] Oh, what was that?

First rule of being an honors student,

learn to manipulate your teachers.

Mrs. Paloma gives me a

Christmas gift every year.

[CHUCKLES]

[MAN] Seeing Devi

chumming it up with Paxton

was more than Ben could bear.

[HADID] Samberg, get the hell

out of here. You had your episode.

[SAMBERG] Oh, whatever, Hadid! Why

you gotta be so possessive? I'm out.

- What's poppin'?

- Yo.

- I brought Tarts for my favorite tutee.

- Thank you.

Mmm.

- These hit different when you earn them.

- Hmm.

- Check it out.

- [DEVI] You got a "B."

I got a "B."

[LAUGHS] That's sick.

It's a start.

Thanks for pushing me, by the way.

Of course. I mean, I sort of owe you

for the fact that you got hit by a car.

And the other thing.

Yeah, the other thing.

We really don't need to talk about that.

We're cool.

Really? Wow. That's a relief.

Yeah.

I mean, it's it's crazy when you

think about it, right? You and me?

I mean, there's no way

it would've worked out.

I mean, we just don't

make any sense, you know?

Uh Right. Right.

Tutor and tutee seems like a much

more natural relationship between us.

Exactly.

So, would you maybe

want to sign my cast?

Yeah.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

It's pretty crowded.

I see Zoe Maytag wasn't overly

concerned with leaving room for others.

That's Zoe. She actually wrote

over, like, a couple names I think.

I'm not surprised.

Check this out.

A "B." Did Devi have a bad day?

No, I had a good day. I actually

studied and got this on my own.

You opened a textbook?

I did. I even read all

the words on the pages.

She taught you how to read?

[HADID] Yes, Rebecca!

Someone get her on Twitter.

We need her realness.

You were right. If I'm going

to college, I want to earn it.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Becca. I'm proud of you too.

Hey, could you try these on?

I think you're the same

size as Kendall Jenner.

I think I'm more of a

Kylie, but [EXHALES]

[HADID] Well, this

has been a real blast,

but I gotta get back to

my super fulfilling life

as a multi-hyphenate.

I hope we've all learned that we

shouldn't judge a book by its cover,

and that the Cold w*r ended in 1991.

John McEnroe, back to you.

On a Mexican holiday ♪

Where the sun is shining away ♪

On a Mexican holiday ♪

On a Mexican holiday ♪

Look in the mirror ♪

Notice my reflection ♪

Don't wanna look again ♪

Without affection ♪

My skin is turning green ♪

Am I reptilian? ♪

I think it's kickin' in ♪

On a Mexican holiday ♪

On a Mexican holiday ♪

We'll always find a way ♪

Mexican ♪

Go to bed.