08x10 - The Secret Ceramics Room of Secrets

[bunniefuu]

So, Grandma's birthday is coming up.

Boom.

Another one on the scorecard for Gram Gram.

She's still alive and probably shouldn't drive.

But you know those handmade gifts you make for your grandma every year?

Know 'em?

I half-ass 'em.

Yes, and she notices.

I didn't half-ass it.

I made Grandma a pretty great necklace last year.

One noodle on a string does not a necklace make.

Listen, Grandma could die this year.

I mean, we don't know.

- Bob.

- I'm not saying she's going to.

- Yeah, it's exactly what you said.

- LINDA: God forbid.

If she did die, it would be horrible.

O-Obviously.

And you kids wouldn't want the last thing she saw to be your crappy gifts.

Point is, no half-assing it this year.

Wait, did she like what I got her last year?

- What was it again?

- A shell.

- A shell?

- Yeah, a shell, uh, and You know what, never mind.

I can beat it.

And my dad's birthday's coming up, too, you know.

Handmade gifts for multiple grandparents.

Huh, wow.

I guess we'll just take a sabbatical from the slop shop to get all that done.

Just make the gifts.

It's part of being a kid.

The worst part of being a kid.

Besides being scared the drain in the bathtub will eat your penis.

(frightened groan)

Aw, poor Genie's weenie.

It's forced labor.

It's like when they make elephants paint.

Ugh, I wish I could paint like those elephants.

Check out this burnt Tater Tot, J-Ju.

- Wow.

- I like it cooked, not cooked in a kiln.

(chuckles)

I mean, come on.

- What's a kiln?

- What's a kiln?

You never been to Color Me Mine?

That's where I colored you yours.

Wait, the kiln, of course.

The Legend of the Lost Ceramics Room.

The Legend of the Lost Ceramics Room?

I'm not familiar with that one.

- Really?

- Seriously?

How do you not know about that?

Everyone knows about that.

I Well, I don't, okay?

Do you not talk to people on the playground, or - Can you just tell me, please?

- Okay.

According to the legend that Wagstaff kids have told each other for decades - Every kid but you, apparently.

- Yeah, I get it.

It all happened forever ago, in, like, the '80s.

Back when Huey and Carl Lewis ruled the world.

LOUISE: Wagstaff had a ceramics class then.

Kids were making stuff with clay all day, every day.

But then, over one weekend, there was a kiln fire.

Sprinklers put it out, but it was a huge smoky mess.

GENE: Like Winston Churchill.

LOUISE: On Monday, there was supposed to be some big school board inspection or something, - so instead of cleaning the place up, - what does the principal do?

He panics.

He and the janitor and the janitor's brother slap a wall where the door used to be.

- GENE: Wall slap.

- LOUISE: One day, the ceramics room is there, the next day, it's not.

All the pinch pots, all the vases, all the cool Papa Smurf sculptures sealed inside.

- You think that really happened?

- What if it did?

What if we could find it?

We wouldn't have to make any gifts, because some kids in the '80s already made 'em for us.

- I don't know.

- All we got to do is figure out where this lost room is, knock a hole in the wall We're in, we're out.

Bing, bang, boom.

Seems like a lot of work to avoid making some gifts.

Plus, how do you even look for a lost ceramics room?

Ugh, I think we're gonna have to talk to grown-ups.

More like groan-ups.

An art program at Wagstaff?

That's hilarious.

- It rings a bell.

- (school bell rings)

That was unrelated.

That legend's not true.

And I was a student at Wagstaff around that time, so I would know.

A pretty cool student, too.

Ever hear of the seventh grade class secretary?

'Cause I was elected that.

Hidden room?

The only thing hidden in this school is my personal toilet paper.

Ah, I've said too much!

- (entry bells jingle)

- Hey.

Uh, you wouldn't mind if I worked on a little side project while I'm eating, would you?

- Yeah, sure, it's okay, yeah.

- Uh, maybe not.

Great.

Uh, plug this guy in for me, will you?

The only outlet is by the coffee maker.

- It's kind of inconvenient.

- Perfect.

Plug her in.

- Mm-hmm.

- I got it.

What's your side business, Teddy?

Oh, I'm replacing cracked cell phone screens.

Been doing it a couple of months now.

It's fun, but it's kind of lonely at my house, alone.

I bet.

-Uh-huh.

You're really spreading out there.

Oh, yeah, you gotta, when you're working with this many bits and pieces, you know, you got to spread it out.

I mean, but it's, like, three seats, Teddy, - plus the light.

- It's fine, it's fine.

Mm-hmm.

Oops, ah.

I dropped a little screw behind the counter.

You mind grabbing that for me, Bobby?

You want to borrow my visor?

- Not really.

- You see it?

No, I just see floor right now.

Yeah, you should really use my visor.

I-I don't want to, Teddy.

- Ooh, is that it?

- No, that's dirt.

- Is that it?

- No, that's - Oh, my God, what is that?

- Oh.

Oh, gross.

(groans)

Okay, I think I got it.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Heh-heh.

Whoa, I dropped it again.

- Bob, you mind?

- Mm-hmm.

- It's a screw.

It's little.

- Mm-hmm.

I know, I just got it.

Is it true?

I don't know.

If it's a weird, creepy legend, then it's probably true.

You should go look for it.

What else are you doing with your time?

- But how?

- You need to find someone that took ceramics then.

How do we do that?

Well, how the hell would I know?!

Whoa, whoa, can I see your coffee mug for a second?

It's not coffee, but I guess a sip wouldn't k*ll you.

Who's Rose Reynolds?

Beats me.

It's a mug from the faculty lounge.

You think I buy my own mugs?

It looks like old Rose Reynolds made this mug in '83.

She might remember something.

- 1983, though, right?

- Yes, Tina.

Cool, cool.

I thought maybe 1883, but that's ridiculous.

Too long ago.

Yes, that's pretty much how I remember it.

There was a ceramics room on Friday, then on Monday, it was gone Just walled up.

Now, Rose, at the time, had Taco Tuesday been invented yet?

I want to say it had.

Thank you.

No further questions.

Wow.

Okay, so they sealed all the ceramics and pottery in the room?

Yeah.

I know for sure I made a couple Monchhichi mugs I never got back.

So it's true.

The legend's all true.

Now, can you remember where the room was?

Hmm, I think it was on the second floor No, the first.

The third.

Maybe.

So first, second, or third floor.

Got it.

I might have an old yearbook, if that'll help.

I think we're done here.

Geez, we were leaving anyway.

- No, I mean we are done here.

- (all cry out)

- Hi.

- Thank you, sweetie.

You were so still in there.

That's where kids come from?

No, that's where kids end up, if they're my kids.

We make piñatas of ourselves.

It's fun.

Do your parents not do this to you?

- Um, no.

- Uh, can we get that yearbook?

I feel like we were lucky to get out of there without getting kid-yata'd.

Hey, look, Frond was seventh grade secretary.

- GENE: More like sexy-tary.

- Hold on, these kids are walking - out of this room carrying pottery.

- TINA: Okay.

If we can figure out where this was, we'll find the lost ceramics room.

- And maybe ourselves.

- Guys, Rose didn't just give us an old yearbook with so many pictures of skinny ties.

She gave us a treasure map.

Maybe this is the hallway.

Mm, not so sure.

That picture's in black and white, and our school is in color.

Even if we find the ceramics room and it's full of ceramics, wouldn't we be giving our grandparents handmade gifts that we didn't hand-make?

Tina, Tina, Tina, do you love Grandma and Grandpa or not?

- Yeah.

- I love them, but I'm not in love with them.

Hmm, this doesn't line up.

Let's try the hallways upstairs.

LOUISE: Oh, there's a stairwell there.

Nope.

TINA: Hmm, not a match, right?

Call the whole thing off?

Good idea.

I agree.

Wait a minute.

This lines up.

There used to be a door where those lockers are.

They must have put in lockers over the wall at some point.

(laughs)

We found it.

Okay, we can't cut through those lockers, but we can cut through there.

That's where we dig.

Where's where you dig?

What are you digging?

We're digging school in general, Mr.

Frond.

We're digging all of it.

The whole vibe.

And you you're great.

- Big fan.

- All right, then.

Well, better get back to guidancing, you.

The world needs that stuff more than ever.

It really does.

- It really does, Mr.

Frond.

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- My goodness.

- Phew, that was a close one.

Was it just me, or did he hardly have any cat hair on his sweater today?

Oh, it's all on his back.

We're so close, guys.

At lunch, no one will be in that classroom.

That's when we crack through the wall, into the ceramics room.

Eh, lunchtime is no good for me; I eat lunch then.

- Gene.

- Okay, okay.

I'll make it work.

- TEDDY: Psst.

Bobby.

- Yeah.

- Bob.

- I'm right here.

I can see you.

Look at all these customers, huh?

For me and for you.

- Right?

Huh?

- Uh, yeah.

I mean, it's two customers, but it's-it's good for business.

Well, I'm gonna get back to cooking.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna get back to my business, too.

- Okay.

- Right?

- Great.

You're working, I'm working, right?

Yeah, in the same place.

We could probably split a business card.

You got to order, like, 300 of 'em I got to get back to work, Teddy.

- at a time.

Okay.

- So do you.

- Oh, I'll see you around.

Just saying, the cafeteria is wildly unprepared for a to-go order.

- It's embarrassing.

- Okay, that's the spot.

Here, chisel away.

A stapler and a pen?

- Short notice, okay?

- Why do I have to do it?

You're the strongest; you've got puberty strength.

Guys, there's no way this is even going to work.

- It's working.

- Oh, my God, these walls are crap.

Okay.

I think we have a peephole.

Peephole, peephole, please!

All right.

Let's see some treasure.

No, no, no, no.

A broom closet?!

Hold on.

(footsteps retreating, door opening)

How's your day going?

It's okay.

It's a lot of this.

Boy, do you guys look stupid for digging through that wall.

- Hi.

Welcome to Bob's Burg - Welcome to Teddy's iScreen, You Screen, We All Screen for iScreen Repair.

- Teddy, what are you doing?

- What?

We don't know if the guy is here for your business or mine.

- I'm here for a quick burger.

- Got it.

And how's your cell phone screen?

Is it cracked?

- D-Does it have only - Uh, uh, take a seat anywhere.

Sorry.

- (quietly): Teddy, please.

- Right, right, sorry.

I'm gonna go ahead and get back to work, Bobby.

- Um, wh-wh-what is that?

- (jazz music plays)

It's a little background music.

Helps me focus when I'm working on the detailed stuff.

- I-Is it okay?

- Uh, n-n uh, no.

Of course it's okay.

It's fine.

It's-it's jazzy.

Yeah, I-it's jazz.

Jazzy jazz.

It doesn't even have any words.

- All right, fine.

- I appreciate it, Bob.

Now I can get back in the zone.

(scatting)

- Teddy.

- (continues scatting)

Teddy.

Teddy.

- Teddy.

- What?

What?

- What?

- It doesn't have no words if you're singing words.

- I was singing?

- Yes, you were.

- Oh.

- It was nice.

- (Bob groans)

Sorry about that.

I d I didn't realize I was doing that.

(scatting)

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry.

That was me again.

(chuckles, sighs)

(scatting)

Oh, my God.

- (school bell ringing)

- So I guess the legend is just a stupid legend after all.

And we're gonna have to make gifts with our own hands like a bunch of not-lazy children.

I like these old yearbook pictures.

Everyone's hair had so much body.

And everyone's bodies had so much hair.

That's weird.

If you look really close at the picture of the ceramics room, the exit sign in the background is backwards.

Cool.

I like it when an exit sign isn't too obvious.

Let me see that.

Holy crap.

The exit sign isn't backwards, the picture is flopped.

The kid wasn't leaving from there with pottery.

He was leaving from there.

Whoa.

That changes things.

So we'd need to go through either - the science room - TINA: Which has clubs every lunch.

- LOUISE: or math.

- Which has tutoring every lunch.

- It's full of toots.

- Or we dig through the lockers.

You want to dig through steel lockers?

Destroy school property?

Definitely don't do that.

(whispering): Do that.

Do that.

GENE: Good afternoon, Theodore.

Mr.

B, Mrs.

B.

Hey, how are your gifts for your grandparents going?

Great.

We are plugging away.

Yeah?

You've been working on 'em?

'Cause I don't remember seeing you working on them.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, a lot.

- Too much, maybe.

Speaking of which, uh, Teddy, we have a quick handyman question for you.

- Got a sec?

- sh**t.

How would one go about cutting through a steel locker and the drywall behind it?

What do you need to do all that for?

We dropped a penny back there.

Sure, I could loan you some stuff.

TEDDY: Well, first thing I'd do is drill three or four holes about a 16th of an inch apart - with this guy here.

- (grunts)

- Hold onto that.

- He's heavy.

You're perforating the metal with that.

And then I would use a screwdriver to pry open a larger hole.

Wh-Why don't I hold that one?

And he - and we'll give this one to Tina.

- Then, Gene, you hold the, Ba-Ba-da-da. .

Tin snips.

- Tin snips.

- Like cutting paper, but about a million times harder.

Peel back the metal, then use this keyhole saw to get through the drywall, and before you know it, you've got your penny back.

- Good luck, kids.

- Teddy, you're the dangerous uncle we've always wanted.

We appreciate you temporarily switching lockers, Pocket-Sized Rudy.

Sure thing, guys.

It's a top locker, s um, so it might be a tough reach.

- Um - You'll do great, kid.

All right.

It's gonna get real loud real quick in here.

- Tell Gene to start.

- Yep.

All right, Gene, hit it.

Okey doke.

Welcome to the gong show.

Anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes of me hitting this gong.

I wish I would've brought my gong so we could jam.

The one day I don't bring it.

Second verse, same as the first.

One hole down.

Lots to go.

Also, power tools are the best things in the world.

We could have already made so many gifts, just saying.

Can't hear you!

Oh, a-are you in there, Lin?

TEDDY: No, it's me.

Teddy.

Teddy?

Thi-This is the employee bathroom.

- Yeah, I know.

- You're-you're not an employee.

TEDDY: Right.

I was gonna use the customer bathroom, but then I thought, eh, I got to keep that open for our customers.

Uh-huh.

But now I can't use my own bathroom.

Yeah, right.

(chuckles)

Well, here we are.

- Yep.

- I'll be quick.

- Don't worry about it, Bobby.

- That'd be great.

(Teddy scatting)

- (toilet flushes)

- Oh, my God.

- Hey, Bobby?

- Yeah?

Is there a plunger in here I'm not seeing?

- Teddy, I don't like that question.

- Uh Okay, what are you doing in there, Teddy?

- I'm finishing up, I'm finishing up.

- Uh - Okay, just get out now.

- There's water everywhere!

Oh, God, there's water everywhere.

Unlock the door, Teddy!

Ah, it's locked!

How do you open this thing, Bobby?

I'm gonna break it down!

- No, don't break the door, Teddy!

- I'm gonna - I got water all over my shoes!

- Just unlock it, and I'll open it!

I'm getting water all over my (Tina straining)

LOUISE: How's it going in there, T?

This metal knows we are wrong to seek the treasure.

- Okay, cramping up.

Switch.

- All right, I'll take a shift.

Hey, this isn't so tough Yes, it is!

- I'm cramping up already.

Switch.

- (sighs)

Give me those.

(grunting)

Ha-ha!

I did one snip.

Of so many snips.

Admit it, Louise, making a pot holder sounds pretty good right now, doesn't it?

No.

This is worth it.

This is totally easy.

Come on, tiny muscles.

Okay, switch.

- Oh, boy.

- What happened, Teddy?

That, uh, screw flew out like a shot.

It could be anywhere.

Oh, God.

Sir, don't swallow.

- Spit that out, please.

- Huh?

You might be chewing on a screw.

Uh, y-you're probably not chewing on a screw, but-but, yeah, go ahead and spit it out, hon.

- Uh-huh.

-Okay, this magnet says there's nothing in this bite.

I'm just gonna run it over your plate real quick.

- Just real quick.

You just enjoy your meal.

-Uh, um Not touching your food, not touching your food.

Okay, it made a little contact right there, but I'm not gonna do it again, just a little bit.

- Let me check the fries.

- She's checking the fries.

- Checking the fries.

- Wha-What's happening now?

- I hate - It's all under control, Bob.

I was just looking for a missing screw.

If you could just lift your legs for a second.

Continue to enjoy your meal while you lift your legs.

Sorry about what's happening.

I These are very nice shoes you got, you know?

Do they come in a 13 on the left and 11 on the right?

You know what?

I'm just gonna go back to the kitchen.

LOUISE: Okay.

I think we're all happy to be past the sheet metal phase.

- Are we in a union now?

- Guys.

Only a pathetic little wall stands between us and all the ceramics we could ever want to say we made.

Which is wrong.

Our grandparents might never know we didn't make their gifts, but we will.

A lie is not a gift.

Okay, your conscience needs to take a breather.

Also your breath needs to have a conscience.

I'm going to start sawing through this drywall.

You guys find a way to ditch the dust without making anyone suspicious.

(sawing)

Man, all this dandruff is so embarrassing.

What's all this cocaine doing at school?

Throw it away.

Does anybody have any water for this baby formula?

No?

Okay, I'll throw it out.

What's your deal, Tina?

Worry about your own damn deal, Jimmy Jr.

How are we doing in here?

(grunting)

Yes.

Tina, flashlight.

(gasps)

The legend.

It's real.

I wouldn't say completely worth the absurd amount of effort.

But, yeah.

(whistles)

Okay, back to sawing.

We're so close.

(straining): We are so FROND: Busted.

Are those power tools?

Oh, good Lord, you are double busted.

But not triple busted.

Phew.

(chuckles)

FROND: This is very unlike you, Belchers.

Simple pranks, lackadaisical schoolwork, sure.

But demolishing school property on purpose?

With power tools?

Power tools?

We're gonna need those back, by the way.

I mean, we don't know what you're talking about?

That poor locker.

All right, well, I need to contact your parents.

In the meantime, you are to sit and think about what you've done.

We're gonna get expelled.

How do they do that?

Out of a cannon or something?

Wait, he took our flashlight.

That seems like a weird punishment.

But fair.

Hey, he wait, he took our saw.

But not the drill?

And why isn't he calling Mom and Dad in front of us?

He loves doing that.

Oh, my God.

Come on.

(gasps)

Look.

It's been sawed more.

Mr.

Frond?

(hisses)

You're supposed to be in my office.

G-Go away, children.

Where is it?

Where is it?

- There it is.

- What are you doing?

I don't want to talk about it, okay?

It's personal.

(screams)

Don't touch that!

"Seventh grade secretary.

" Dave Titus, check.

Phillip Frond, no check.

Here's another, here's another.

They're all the same.

- (moans)

- What the "H" is going on here?

- Yeah, Frond, talk.

- Fine.

When I was in seventh grade here at Wagstaff, I ran for class secretary against Dave Titus.

- And because I was popularity-challenged, - I was expected to lose.

- They were counting the votes in the ceramics room.

The teacher got up to go to the bathroom right when I happened to be pacing in the hallway.

I don't know what came over me, but I grabbed a bunch of votes for Dave, and stuffed them in a vase.

- (gasps)

Whoa.

- You cheated?

I was gonna hide the vase or-or confess, maybe.

But-but that weekend was the fire.

And they walled the room up.

Then, just like that, my greatest mistake and my darkest secret was sealed up.

Welcome to my nightmare.

I beg you, do not tell anyone about the unthinkable thing I did.

How about we don't get in any trouble at all, and in return, we promise not to tell anyone.

- Deal?

- Fine.

Done.

And we each get to take a couple things off the shelf.

- Whatever.

- It would ruin me if this got out.

I mean, who would listen to a guidance counselor that did this?

No one, that's who.

Mr.

Frond, I-I think you've been holding onto this secret when you don't have to.

This may sound crazy, but kids might listen to you more if they knew that you made a big mistake when you were their age.

You know what, Tina?

You're right.

That does sound crazy.

Nobody wants a relatable guidance counselor.

Kids think I'm perfect.

That's why they listen to me.

Wait.

Why did you break in here?

For the pottery.

So we wouldn't have to make presents for our grandparents.

- Ugh, really?

- Really.

Then let's just take our horrible secrets, push them down deep inside where they belong, and go our separate ways, shall we?

Sounds great.

Ooh.

That one has a certain Gene Ne sais quoi.

No.

Damn it.

Tina's right.

No, I think we covered this.

- Tina's wrong.

- (sighs)

I don't want this kind of regret, you know?

I don't want to turn out like him.

- No, you don't.

- You know?

- Like, look at you.

- Yeah.

Ugh.

I don't want to play these off as my own.

Not to my grandparents who might semi-treasure them.

A lie is a crappy gift.

That's great, Louise.

See, Mr.

Frond?

Louise learned from your mistake, so she wouldn't have to make that mistake herself.

What are you even talking about?

Where do you get this stuff from?

So what are we gonna do now?

Learn origami real quick?

I might have an idea.

ROSE: (sniffs)

It smells like smoky mold, but it kind of works.

You're making me so hungry for cheese.

What do you think of my pinch pot?

It's, um, well, you made it.

I'm loving my mug.

Uh I'm loving my short vase.

- (Teddy scatting)

- (sighs)

Teddy, listen.

I-I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but - Bob, we got to talk.

- Okay.

It's just not working out, you know?

It's it's you.

- Because you're a good guy, you know?

- Uh-huh.

You're just you're tough to share a workspace with.

- You know what I mean?

- Yeah, I get it.

No, no.

I - Yeah, we're both perfectionists.

- Yeah.

Me more than you, but yes.

Everything you're saying makes sense.

Not to mention you're always talking.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm trying to work, - and you're talking.

- Right.

- Bup, bup, bup, bup.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All-all-all good points.

So I'm just gonna do this phone stuff from home.

Unless you want to leave.

Work at a different restaurant?

No, I'll-I'll probably stick here with this one.

- Yeah, your stuff's already here anyway, right?

-Right, right.

- Eh - Seems more reasonable.

Okay, Ma, got to go.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Good luck with your glaucoma exam.

Don't cheat.

(laughs)

Oh, you hung up.

The grandparents loved your handmade presents.

- Nice job, kids.

- Hey, Mom, how come you're not wearing the necklace we made you?

- Oh, am I not wearing it?

- Nope.

It's hard to tell if it's on.

- Put it on, woman.

- Okay.

All right.

(grunting)

- TINA: Little heavy?

- Maybe a little.

It's just a little Hey, Dad, where's the gift we made you?

You mean this wet clump of clay?

We didn't know what you wanted.

Dads are so hard to shop for.

Think of it as the gift card of handmade gifts.

- Thanks?

- Aw, don't mention it.

Makin' it by hand for Gram and Gramps Oh Makin' it by hand for Gram and Gramps Ooh It's the thought that counts - Don't look too close - Oh Makin' it by hand for Gram and Gramps Makin' it by hand for Gram and Gramps M-M-M-M-M-M-Makin' it by hand for Gram and Gramps I said we're makin' it by hand for Gram and Gramps.