04x02 - A Docent, A Little Lady and a Bouncer Named Dalton

[bunniefuu]

ADULT SHELDON: Presenting...

"Sledon Cooper's Top Five Sources of News From My Childgood".

Number five: Star Trek Fan Club Magazine.

Mom, DeForest Kelley's favorite episode is "The Empath." Good to know.

ADULT SHELDON: Number four: the Weather Cube from RadioShack.

ANNOUNCER [over device]: The humidity is % with a dew point of . degrees.

Mom!

The dew point is . degrees.

MARY: Okay.

ADULT SHELDON: Number three: The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour.

Such a great theme song.

♪ ♪ Buh-buh-bum. ♪

ADULT SHELDON: Number two: Meemaw after a few beers.

It took a while, but we finally picked a new name for my bowling team: The Ball Busters.

Hey, Mom.

Guess what Meemaw named her bowling team? The Ball...

ADULT SHELDON: And the number one source of news from my childhood: the bulletin board at the train store.

News about trains in a store full of trains.

Yummy.

How did this not make The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour?

[train whistles]

The train museum's looking for a docent.

What's a docent?

It's a person in a museum who gives informationon the exhibits.

Do you think they'd let someone your age do that?

Why not?

I have a high school diploma.

True.

I know more about trains than anybody.

True.

And I have the unique ability to wear people down until I get my way.

So true.

Hello.

I understand you're looking for a docent.

I'm years old, but you should know I have a high school diploma and I know more about trains than anybody.

You still sound on the fence.

ADULT SHELDON: It was time to break out my unique ability.

Let me tell you about every model train I own and what each of them means to me.

The first locomotive I ever received...

ADULT SHELDON: Wouldn't you know it, short minutes later, I got the job.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

- You put your cleats in the truck?

- Yep.

We should hit the road soon.

It's a long drive.

- Okay.

- I got your lunches here.

Extra Fruit Roll-Ups?

- You each got two.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

- What time is the game?

- : .

Why are we talking about baseball and not my impending docent-hood?

Who wants to tell him it's stupid?

- Leave it alone.

- And why do they make you wear that goofy costume?

Ha.

They don't.

This is all me.

What do you got going on today?

Ooh, laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming.

I might go nuts and dust the picture frames.

Well, nice.

Everybody's doing something they love.

Sheldon, you sure about this?

Yes, leave the crusts on.

I'm a docent now.

Thanks for bringing me.

Hey, it got me out of driving all the way to Missy's game; I should be thanking you.

My little knuckles might not be cutting it.

Would you give it a go?

Sure.

How's that?

Four knocks.

Bold.

[chuckles]

Hello, hello.

Volunteer docent Sheldon Cooper reporting for duty.

Welcome aboard.

Train nomenclature right out of the gate.

Promising.

I like your conductor's uniform.

You know what they say.

Dress for the job you want.

Do I get an "ask me" button, too?

Well, thank you for asking, and yes, you do.

I'll be right back.

Do you see that bell?

That's from Texas and New Orleans locomotive number .

I'd tell you more, but you haven't contributed the suggested donation.

Number was built in by the Baldwin Locomotive Works.

It was a superheated - - class GS- - with ...

- I want my money back.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I know you're supposed to pick me up at : , but I may live here now.

Send me a Christmas card.

I'm glad Mom didn't come.

Why's that?

I can spit when I'm on the mound.

You can hock up anything you want today.

[snorts]

- Not here.

- Aw.

We need to stop so I can pee.

I told you to pee before we left the house.

That was an hour and a half ago.

[sighs]

Can't you hold it?

I may spit like a man, but I have the bladder of a little girl.

[whirring]

I'm going to work.

Okay, have fun.

What-what time do you think you'll be back?

Before dinner.

See you then.

[door closes]

[vacuum stops]

And my day off begins.

Just let me know if you have any questions.

This is a very nice builder's plate.

How can you be sure it's not a replica?

Now, that is a great question.

Thank you.

I also know the answer.

Do you?

Well, there's, uh, rust and soot on the back of it from when it was mounted to the engine's smokebox.

Very good.

Ah, the Santa Fe diesel.

I've always loved that paint scheme.

I wonder if they had a name for it.

Cat's Whiskers.

Correct.

Ha!

Two for two.

Did you know that the word "train" comes from the French verb traîner, which means to draw or drag?

[chuckles]: Well, I just learned something.

Well, if you enjoy learning things, then you and I are on the fast track to friendship.

Speaking of fast tracks, the Japanese b*llet train, or Shinkansen...

[exhales]

Ready to roll?

Not really.

What's wrong?

It happened.

What happened?

That thing that happens to girls when they're becoming young ladies.

What?

Now?

I'm not happy about it, either.

[stammers]

Should we go home?

I'm pitching in an hour.

I... you think that's a good idea?

Maybe you need to lie down.

I don't need to lie down.

Okay, well, maybe I need to lie down.

[sighs]

Okay, we're gonna find a pay phone and call your mother.

She's not here right now.

What can she do?

Well, I don't know what to do.

We're gonna go to a drugstore and get what I need.

Go to a drug store.

Okay, I can do that.

Breathe.

We're gonna get through this.

[exhales sharply]

SHELDON: It's almost opening time.

Can I flip the sign?

Have at it.

Five, four, three, two, one.

We're officially open for business.

Anticlimactic.

[motorcycle revs over TV]

Get him, Dalton.

Get him.

GEORGE JR.: Mary Cooper, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Why are you watching Road House?

Why aren't you at work?

I asked you first, and my question is way more interesting.

It was just on.

I don't even know what that is.

Then how'd you know his name's Dalton?

I don't have to explain myself to you.

This is a pretty dirty movie.

How do you know?

It is rated R.

For v*olence, language and sexual content.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

GEORGE SR.: Nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's perfectly natural.

Perfectly normal.

Dad, I know.

I'm telling myself.

Uh...

How much money you need?

I'm not going in there.

You are.

Why can't you go?

It's embarrassing.

You just said it wasn't embarrassing.

Well, it is and I lied.

♪ Whoa... ♪

Excuse me.

Hello.

Welcome to the Lone Star Train Museum.

I'm Docent Sheldon Cooper.

If you have any questions...

You know where the bathroom is?

Indeed I do.

You'll want to chug along past our authentic Southern Pacific Sunset limited whistle, then keep going past our conductor's uniform, which was worn on the Texas and Pacific Railway.

Then you'll come upon...

Son, I have to take a leak.

- It's in the back.

- Thank you.

And our toilets flush, unlike the ones on trains before .

[train whistle blows]

This is a genuinelocomotive bell from Texas and New Orleans number .

Now there's a proper technique to make the purest sound.

Most people don't know how to do that.

But you're in luck, because I do.

[bell ringing]

♪ And I still wouldn't let her go ♪

♪ Better be on your way, get along... ♪

[train whistle blows]

You want to know more about the Cotton Belt, there's plenty in here.

Although the facts in that brochure are suspect.

[chuckles]

Sheldon, I, uh, I wrote this brochure.

While the origins of the Southern Pacific go back to , the company wasn't formally started until .

And before you reprint these, we should talk fonts.

[train whistle blows]

See?

It's all in the wrist.

♪ Train kept a-rollin' all night long... ♪

[train whistle blows]

And early trains used the drop chute toilet, also called the hopper toilet, which was really just a hole...

Couldn't you just listen to this all day?

♪ And I still wouldn't let her go. ♪

So how many times have you seen Road House?

Sorry, can't hear you.

More or less than five?

'Cause that'show many times I've seen it.

That's how many years you're gonna be grounded if you don't drop it right now.

Does Dad know you like this movie?

[vacuum stops]

No, and it is gonna stay that way.

- Why?

- Because it is not something I should be watching.

Then why are you watching it?

It is a guilty pleasure, so will you drop it now?

Relax.

I ain't gonna tell nobody.

Thank you.

I think it's awesome you like it.

It is pretty cool how Dalton doesn't drive his Mercedes to the bar 'cause he knows they're gonna trash it.

Dalton's no dummy.

No, sir.

It's right over there in aisle two.

Find everything you need today?

Yeah, think so.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

You don't know what you're doing, do you?

No, ma'am.

Would you like some help?

Yes, ma'am, thank you, ma'am.

Okay.

[bell ringing]

Uh...

we need to talk.

About this bell?

You got it.

Did you know different engineers would often...

Son?

You're a sweet kid, but...

I don't think this is working out.

What?

Why?

I-I know everything there is to know about trains.

Well, you see now, that there is the problem.

People, when they come here, they want to enjoy it.

They don't want to get lectured in the bathroom.

And you have been correcting me in front of the visitors all morning long.

Would you prefer I send you a memo of your mistakes at the end of the day?

- No.

- Because that's what I did for the teachers at my school.

I think it brought us all closer.

Sheldon, it's great to have knowledge.

But you don't need to show it off all the time.

Oh, I don't mind.

[chuckles]

You see, trains are all about balance, right?

Now you put too much water into a steam engine, it can't do its job.

You let that water run low...

Boom, it'll blow up.

Now, a good engineer makes sure he uses just the right amount of water.

Not too little, not too much.

That make sense?

The fireman adjusts the water, not the engineer.

And then he took my "ask me" button.

He didn't even ask me.

He just took it.

Everybody gets fired for something eventually.

For being too goodat their job?

Well, Moon Pie, sometimes you just get too excited about sharing the facts in your head.

But learning facts is the ant's pants.

Which is the Australian derivation of the bee's knees.

See, you just learned something.

And wasn't that the cat's pajamas?

Alls I'm saying is people aren't always in the mood.

Well, they should be.

I'm happy to learnany fact at any time.

Is that so?

Yes.

Grab my knitting bag.

I don't recommend driving while knitting.

Your reflexes aren't what they used to be.

Just look in the bag!

Did you know that there are three different kinds of yarn?

I didn't.

You got your animal, like wool.

Your plant, like cotton.

And your synthetic, like acrylic.

Interesting.

You think so?

I'm glad to hear that.

Because each one of them has plusses and minuses, and you're about to hear them all in mind-numbing detail.

Nothing to worry about.

- We got this.

- Really?

Everything you need's right here.

You're the best.

Come on, I'll show you where the bathroom is.

Oh, and there's a very helpful cashier named Gretchen you need to hug.

Come on.

Here she is, Gretchen.

Another way to cast on in knitting is called the slingshot.

Did you know the Wham-O company was named after its first product, the Wham-O Slingshot?

I'm the one saying the facts right now.

Unless you're tired of hearing them?

Sick of learning?

Never.

Well, that's too bad.

How awesome was it when he fights those four guys at once?

They were asking for it.

Dalton doesn't fight unless he has to.

True, 'cause when the doctor says, "How many of these fights you win?" he says...

BOTH: Nobody ever wins in a fight.

[both laugh]

Mm, and I like how smart he is.

But doesn't feel like he has to show it off.

No kidding.

Maybe Sheldon should watch it.

Hey, what was Dalton's third rule of being a good bouncer?

Be nice.

That's right.

I think Dad would love that you're into stuff like this.

I'm sure he would.

He took me to see Mad Max twice.

Really?

Actually...

the second time, we couldn't find a sitter, so we brought you along.

How old was I?

I don't know... four?

No wonder I'm so cool.

So, why you hiding it?

Well, 'cause I'm supposed to be a good Christian.

Clearly this is something I need to work on.

Well, before you fix it, you've got to watch Die Hard .

Bruce Willis stabs a guy in the head with an icicle.

Now, circular knitting produces a seamless tube.

You already told me that.

Oh, did I?

Can we circle back to double-pointed needles?

I have a follow-up question.

Hold that thought.

[indistinct chatter]

Strike two!

- [crowd cheering]

- One more!

Just like that!

Strike three, you're out.

There you go!

Ha!

That's how you do it!

Is that your little girl?

That's my little lady.

Well, sometimes.

Carrying the stuffing out of the Caddy was easy.

Using it to stop - the guys chasing us...

- The kids are asleep.

MacGYVER: Gasoline would help.

- Always does...

- You gonna watch that?

Well, it's MacGyver.

He makes stuff out of other stuff.

MacGYVER: Sort of a homemade mortar.

Why, did you want to watch something else?

I thought maybe we could watch a movie.

Sure, yeah, which one?

Um...

I don't know.

I heard that that movie Road House is supposed to be good.

What's it about?

I think it's about a guy, um... Dalton.

Who's a bouncer who has to clean up a bar that's been overrun by a bunch of bad guys.

Oh, yeah, it's got that guy that looks like Georgie in it.

No, he doesn't.

[laughs]: Are you kidding?

He looks exactly like him.

♪ Let's just watch MacGyver.

GEORGE SR.: Cool.