03x07 - Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

[bunniefuu]

Oh, this is going to be so great.

Are you guys as excited as I am?

Probably not.

Okay.

♪ Happy...

♪ ... birthday to you

♪ Happy Birthday to you

♪ Happy Birthday, dear Rose ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

You guys are the best.

Is that a chocolate fudge cake?

You tell us; you brought it.

Shouldn't you, uh, make a wish and blow out the candles?

Oh, right, right.

I wish this was chocolate fudge.

Now, it's time for the party games.

I got one.

It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense."

I'll go first.

Nope, not yet.

Round Two...

JAKE: Uncle Charlie?

Go away!

Have you seen my iPod?

No.

What about you, Rose?

No. Sorry, Jake.

Oh, man.

Good morning, sleepy head.

Morning.

So, what's new?

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Men... ♪

Mmm, that's good coffee.

Good morning.

It's gettin' there.

Whose birthday cake?

Rose.

Oh. Surprise party?

No, I think she saw it coming.

'Morning.

'Morning. Hey.

Coffee?

Can you make it to go?

To go?

Yeah, the thing is, I made a little... boo-boo.

A boo-boo? A boo-boo.

Anyway, I may have to leave town for a few days.

Why? What'd you do?

Rose.

What?

I-I did Rose.

Wait, you had sex with Rose?

Are you insane?

Moot point, Alan.

What I have to do now is find my passport and head for the border.

What you have to do is tell Rose th-th-that I was drunk and I'm sorry and that there's no reason to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh.

Again.

I'll tell you right now, you're swabbin' on your own nail polish remover this time.

That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta.

What the hell were you thinking?

Thinking?

There was no thinking.

We had a few tequila sh*ts and we were talking, having a nice evening, then somebody suggested a sponge bath.

Somebody?

It might've been me.

Anyway, the next thing I know, Jake is waking us up looking for his iPod.

Jake saw you in bed with Rose?

No.

Oh, great, great. That's just great.

What am I gonna tell him?

Who cares? He's 11.

He'll get over it.

I'm the one who still has a bald patch on my scrotum.

And let me tell ya, the comb-over isn't foolin' anybody.

Morning.

Oh. Hey, look, it's Rose.

Morning, Rose.

BERTA: Hey, birthday girl!

Did you get anything good last night?

It was a wonderful party.

Isn't that nice?

Can I get you anything?

Coffee? Orange juice? Industrial-strength adhesive?

No, I can't stay.

I'm having a birthday lunch with my dad.

Oh, well, that's great.

Not that I'm anxious for you to leave.

But it's great that you're gonna spend some time with your dad.

Dads are great.

I like the word "dad" better than "father."

You know, if h*tler had called Germany the Dadland instead of the Fatherland, I bet it would've been a much friendlier country.

Charlie.

Yes.

You're acting crazy.

Am I?

Hey, if anybody knows...

I understand last night was just one of those things.

I have no expectations.

Okay. Good.

And...?

And nothing.

I'll see ya later.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Oh, God, it's worse than I thought.

What are you talking about?

She sounded perfectly fine with everything.

Berta, tell him.

She's nuts. He's screwed.

♪ Men...

Uncle Charlie? Yeah, buddy?

You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.

Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool.

I could be the best man.

Carry the ring for you and the medication for her.

Do pharmacies have bridal registries?

Hey, have you guys talked about having kids?

Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny crazy-ass feet?

No. He's not gonna marry Rose.

Why not? He's already getting sex from her.

Jake, Jake... the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.

Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

Okay, fine.

You want the truth?

Charlie, please be discreet. Just because a man and woman have sex doesn't mean they have to get married.

It doesn't mean they have to see each other again.

It doesn't even mean they have to give their actual names.

Thank you for your discretion.

No, no, no.

It's time somebody taught him the facts of life.

What facts? That you did a stupid, stupid thing

'cause you're a stupid, stupid man?

I was getting to that.

Why was it stupid?

Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love.

No, no, because I had sex with someone who knows how to disable the alarm system.

And who has no compunction about shaving my head while I sleep.

What's a compunction?

Go get ready for bed.

Sounds dirty.

Just go.

[IN DEEP VOICE]: Hey, lady, I can see your compunction.

Charlie, will you do me a favor? What?

Don't talk to my kid about sex. Why?

Because you're a pig.

Okay.

What was that?

What was what?

It was a thump.

What do you mean, a thump?

You know, a thump.

Like a crazy woman dressed as a ninja jumping from a tree and landing on the roof with cat-like precision.

I didn't hear anything.

Well, I did.

I guess your hearing's more acute when your nuts are on the line.

Come on, Charlie, you don't really think Rose is gonna do anything?

Hey, I never told you half the weird stuff she pulled around here.

Why not?

Well, we needed a baby-sitter and I didn't want you to get spooked.

Okay, I'm listening.

One time, she trained a seagull to swoop down...

[KNOCK AT DOOR] Oh, God, this is it!

Come on, Charlie.

I cannot believe a grown man like you is afraid of a little girl.

A little girl with a big seagull.

Went right for my eyes.

You ever seen one of 'em swoop down on a picnic table to grab a french fry?

It was just like that. Charlie...

I'll bet that's how she trained it.

Took a picture of me and put french fries all over it.

You're being ridiculous.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Am I?

We'll see.

Are you Charlie Harper?

Yes, I am.

I'm Rose's father.

I don't see a way to back out of this, do you?

So, you're Rose's dad.

I can see the resemblance.

You and I need to talk.

Well, sure, if you want.

I'm booked up for the next few days, but maybe we can pencil something in for next week.

Now.

Or now.

There's a little window in my schedule now.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Can I get you something to drink?

I'm fine.

Okay, well, then you don't mind if I have a little conversation starter, do you?

Knock yourself out.

I'm sure gonna try.

So, uh, I'm, uh, Charlie's brother, Alan.

Nice to meet you.

Same here.

Uh... I never slept with your daughter.

I'm not surprised.

Okay, Rose's dad.

Call me Harvey.

Okay, Harvey.

That's easy.

Like the big invisible rabbit in that Jimmy Stewart movie.

What was that called?

Harvey.

Right.

Duh.

Loved that movie.

A lot of people don't know it was originally a play, and then after the movie, they tried to make it a musical... Charlie.

Yes, sir? Sit down.

Yes, sir.

Now... what are your intentions towards my daughter?

Oh, right to the chase.

Straight sh**t.

I like that.

Ah, thirsty.

So, where were we?

He wants to know what your intentions are towards Rose.

Thank you.

Well, I-I would have to say that my intentions are good.

In fact, anybody who knows me would confirm that Charlie Harper has good intentions.

His actions, on the other hand, are usually selfish and asinine.

Again, thank you.

Okay, Harvey, well, I'm glad we had this chance to talk...

Sit down.

Sorry.

So, are you going to marry my daughter or not?

Not. Not?

A very well-intended not.

So, after two years together, you just plan to keep on stringing her along?

No, I would never...

Wait a minute, did you say two years?

Now, look, Rose cares very much about you, and she's not going to leave you.

So I think the honorable thing for you to do is to let her go.

Believe me, Harvey, I've tried.

God, how I've tried.

What's the problem?

You love her too much?

Not exactly.

I mean, she is a wonderful gal, and I do care for her, but... you see...

What, the peanut gallery taking a break?

Harvey, the truth is, Charlie has tried to end it, but your daughter doesn't handle rejection all that well.

Or all that legally.

And in my defense, we're not talking about a long-term relationship.

We're talking about a couple of nights of drunken, frenzied sex two years apart.

That's your defense?

I didn't say it was a good defense.

You'll have to forgive my brother.

He thinks with his penis, and his penis isn't very bright.

That's true.

Anybody who knows me will confirm that.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I can confirm that.

Oh, for God's sake.

Rose, did you tell your father we've been going out for two years?

Well, yeah.

I thought it sounded better than saying we had a one-night stand, and then I stalked you for two years.

She's not wrong.

Daddy... try to understand.

I didn't want you feel sorry for me, or try to set me up with anybody... or have me committed.

Oh, sweetheart, I would never do that.

We're a wealthy family.

We can afford home care.

Okay.

Well, I'm glad we had this chance to clear the air.

I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about, so I'll let you get to it.

Mom?

Hang on, dear.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Alan. Oh, good, I'm glad you're home.

Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced, so I thought I'd call first.

I'll let him know.

Charlie, Mom's coming over.

Tell her I'm not here.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, hello, Rose.

Hi, Evelyn.

Daddy, this is Charlie's mom, Evelyn.

Evelyn, this is my father, Harvey.

Harvey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So what are we talking about?

Well, Charlie and I got hammered last night, and then somebody suggested a sponge bath...

It might've been me.

And then we ended up spending the night together.

I see.

Are you as proud of yours as I am of mine?

Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them, but, in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.

Isn't that the truth.

I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.

So, Evelyn... are you married?

Not at the moment.

Why?

What'd you have in mind?

Well, maybe we could start with a little dinner.

Sounds good.

But how do you want to finish?

Simultaneously.

Oh, he's good.

♪ Men...

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Oh, hi, Mom.

Hold on. Alan!

Yeah? Get the door.

Boys, we have a problem.

We need to talk.

What's going on?

We haven't seen you in a couple of days.

Not that we're complaining. Merely an observation.

Well, as you know, I have been seeing Rose's father.

Uh-huh. And how's that going?

[SIGHS]: At first it was wonderful.

He was handsome, charming, and a raging bull in the sack.

No mental pictures.

Push 'em out.

Don't give them to me.

But what I didn't realize is the man has the emotional stability of a bag of rats in a burning meth lab.

What'd he do?

It's what he didn't do.

Okay, what didn't he do?

Leave.

A couple of days of Viagra-enhanced boinking, and he suddenly thinks he lives with me.

He's moving my furniture around!

He's getting his mail forwarded.

He had a satellite dish installed.

Did he get the NFL package?

Charlie, please, this is not funny.

This man is obsessed with me.

He will not let me out of his sight.

Wherever I go, there he is with a stupid, love-smitten look on his face.

You just want to hit him with a shovel.

Well, what do you want us to do?

Come over to my house and hit him with a shovel.

Wouldn't it be easier to keep feeding him Viagra until he strokes out?

Charlie, don't be ridiculous.

That could take months.

Come on, now, guys, think.

How can I get this loon out of my house?

I say we bring in some expert help.

Way ahead of you... Rose!

Yes, Charlie?

Road trip.

Oh, goody, I'll meet you in the garage.

[WHISTLE BLOWING ON TV]

[SIGHS]

Daddy?

Oh, Rose, good, you got my change of address card.

And there's my other favorite gal.

Hello, Harvey.

Where were you, puddin' pop?

I was worried sick.

I just went out.

I didn't see you leave.

That's because I climbed out the laundry room window.

Oh, aren't you a limber little minx?

Daddy, we need to talk.

Yes, right away, honey.

Hey, fellas!

Are you ready for some football?

Evie, why don't you get our guests some cold drinks?

Yes, of course, dear.

Garden shed, shovel, bag of lime.

Daddy, listen to me very closely.

Okay.

You don't live here.

Yes, I do.

Look at me.

We've been through this before, remember?

The pretty receptionist at your psychiatrist's office?

Oh, yeah. Cheryl.

She had a mean lawyer.

Well, this is different.

Evelyn and I are in love, and we're gonna get married.

Isn't that right, puddin' pop?

Not if you were the last crazy man on earth.

Guys, feel free to call me "Dad."

No, thank you. I couldn't.

Daddy, pay attention.

Okay.

I know what it feels like to be so in love with someone you want to crawl inside them so that you're wearing their skin like a leotard with nipples.

But what I've learned is that not everyone is ready for that kind of intimacy.

Take me and Charlie, for example.

We slept together two years ago, realized how much better we were as friends, and we haven't done it again since.

We haven't?

You were too drunk.

I was gonna tell you eventually.

Why'd you let me think we did?

Because it doesn't make any difference.

I'm in this for the long haul.

You know, sweetheart, when Evie and I get married, Charlie will be your stepbrother.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

Ooh, tres kinky.

Rose, stick with the plan.

Okay.

I didn't want to have to do this, but I brought someone else here to talk to you.

Who?

Come on in, Grandma!

You brought Mother?

HARVEY'S MOTHER: Harvey!

How many times have I told you not to leave the estate without telling me?

Aw, Mom.

Playtime's over.

Get in the car, we're going home.

But, Mom, we're getting married!

To this trash?

I don't think so.

Excuse me?

Roll with it, Mom.

I'm counting to three, Harvey.

One, two...

I'm going, I'm going.

Keep the robe.

Thanks, I'm not wearing pants.

Harvey! Do you want me to put you over my knee?

All right, I'm going.

He's really a good boy.

But these things happen when you marry a first cousin.

I say they're lucky to have thumbs.

♪ Men...

I'm really sorry to impose on you.

I just feel very uncomfortable being home alone tonight.

No problem, you can sleep in my room.

Where will you sleep?

I don't know, I'll find somebody.

I'm b*at.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Good night. Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, Mom.

Sleep tight, puddin' pop.