03x11 - Santa's Village of the Damned

[bunniefuu]

Uh-oh.

Good morning.

Morning.

Charlie, right?

Well, I guess it's too late to deny it.

Would you like some coffee?

Uh... sure.

I would.

You have a beautiful house.

Thank you...

so much.

My name is Sandy.

Oh, yes... of course it is.

How could I forget?

Sandy like the beach or the... Koufax.

Pardon me?

You know, Sandy Koufax... great Dodger pitcher, Hall of Famer, never mind.

So, Sandy... how'd you... sleep?

Oh, just fine.

How about you?

Great. Like a drunk baby.

Are you hungry?

Not yet. Maybe after I throw up.

What did you do last night?

Actually, I was hoping you could fill me in.

There's my little Sandy beach.

Good morning, Alley-Oop.

Oh, thank God.

I was afraid I was gonna have to quit drinking.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ Men ♪ So, what do you think of Sandy?

Arguably the greatest southpaw in the history of baseball.

My Sandy.

I don't know. I've never seen her pitch.

She sure can cook.

Well, guess how we met.

I suppose we can rule out Dodger Stadium.

In cooking class.

You've been taking a cooking class?

Where do you think I go every Tuesday night?

You're not here on Tuesday nights?

No.

I'm in cooking class.

And guess who's the teacher.

Who?

Sandy.

Oh.

Who's Sandy?

That's Sandy.

Oh.

Great story.

Alan is my star pupil.

And you are my star teacher.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Yo.

Can I have some more bacon?

Oh. In a jiff.

My mother always said, "A well-fed man is a happy man."

Our mother always said, "Here's ten bucks for pizza.

Don't wait up."

That reminds me, she called and invited us for Christmas.

You told her yes, right? Absolutely.

I thought you and I were going to spend Christmas together.

We are.

But you're going to your mother's.

What gave you that idea?

You see, Sandy, it's kind of a family tradition.

Every year, our mother invites us, even though she doesn't want us to come.

We say yes, even though we don't want to go.

Then, when we don't show up, even though she's relieved, she gets to complain to her friends about what horrible children she has.

It's the perfect gift.

But Christmas is supposed to be about spending time with your loved ones.

Yeah, and going to our mother's would cut into that.

This way, Alan gets to spend it with his son, and I get to play stuff the stocking in Vegas with a couple of saline-enhanced elves.

Does this mean that I'm finally going to meet your son?

I guess it does.

Gosh, I so hope he likes me.

The way you cook, your only problem's gonna be keeping him from humping your leg.

[BUZZING]

Oh, that's the sheets.

If you fold them while they're warm, they don't wrinkle.

Huh?

Huh?

Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry.

Marriage, boredom, alimony, death.

You are such a cynic.

And you are such a sap.

How am I a sap?

Are you blind?

She's a nester.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means she throws you some tail, a couple pieces of bacon, and bibbity-bobbity-boo, you've got a roommate.

Bibbity-bobbity-boo?

Isn't that from Cinderella?

You don't think that bitch was a nester?

I find that just a couple of drops of lemon juice on the dryer sheet really freshens up the whole load.

Really?

I find that just a couple Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks.

Well, um, hold this, please.

I'm just going to pop these on the bed while they're still warm and toasty.

So which one of you guys is slipping the high hard one to Martha Stewart?

Hey, Brandi, it's Charlie Harper.

Listen, I'm coming back to Vegas for Christmas, and I was wondering if you and your sister wanted to celebrate the holidays again.

Harper.

Oh, wait.

It's possible that you remember me as Dr. Philip Gonzalez.

Right.

Yeah.

Hola.

Anyway, I'm sitting here making vacation plans, and I'm thinking where better to commemorate the birth of our Lord than Caesar's Palace?

Hey, Charlie.

Hungry?

Hold on, Brandi.

Not really, but listen, Sandy...

Now last chance.

I'm gonna start dinner, so the kitchen's gonna be off limits for a while.

But it's my kitchen.

So?

I just thought it was important to point out.

You're so cute.

Look, Brandi, talk to your sister, work up an estimate, and I'll call you back.

SANDY: I've got a surprise for you.

A mini-blind brush.

BERTA: A what?

SANDY: I don't think Alan's blinds have been dusted in months, but that's probably because you didn't have the proper tool.

BERTA: Gee, thanks.

We got to talk.

I'm on it. You better be or else she's gonna be on it.

Because now I have the proper tool.

Listen, Sandy...

You had your chance, Charlie.

If you're hungry, take a pudding cup.

I don't want a pudding cup.

We need to establish a few ground rules.

Oh, okay.

I'm listening.

Okay, well, first of all, Berta's been with me for a long time.

And what she lacks in housekeeping skills, she more than makes up for in upper body strength.

What's that?

Rack of lamb.

Really? Mm-hmm.

You're making that for us?

Yep.

With roasted baby potatoes and caramelized carrots.

Ooh.

Anyway, anyway...

Ground rules.

Now I want to be supportive of you and Alan...

Oh, I'm sorry, one quick question.

Chocolate or raspberry soufflé?

It doesn't matter.

The point is... I'll just make raspberry.

Actually, I prefer chocolate.

Chocolate it is.

Now why don't I mix you up a little cocktail and you can take a nap before dinner.

A nap would be nice.

Can I still have the pudding cup?

Okay.

But just one.

I don't want you spoiling your appetite before dinner.

Thank you.

Well?

Good news.

We're having rack of lamb for dinner.

ALAN: Oh, no.

I'm hungry.

Where's Sandy?

She went to get a honey-baked ham for Christmas Eve dinner.

Ooh, honey-baked ham.

Yay!

I find it a little ironic that despite all your warnings about her nesting instincts, you haven't missed a single one of her meals.

Yeah, I'm a master of irony.

Hey, I thought you were going to Vegas for Christmas.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Then you'd have the whole ham to yourself.

You should talk, Porky.

Who took the leftover lasagne under the deck so that we wouldn't see him eat it all himself?

Who made a meatloaf sandwich by taking a slice of meatloaf and putting it between two other slices of meatloaf?

I am cutting down on carbs.

Yeah, it's working for you.

When's the last time you looked down in the shower and saw your testicles?

I don't need to see them.

I know they're there.

And what about you?

What do you call this?

Goodyear or Pirelli?

This, my chunky friend, is water weight.

Water weight?

It's genetic. I retain water.

You also retain German chocolate cake, lamb stew and Belgian waffles.

Hey, people who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.

Don't talk about my ass.

I am very self-conscious about my ass.

I'm sorry.

I'm just lashing out 'cause I haven't eaten in 75 minutes.

You want some of Sandy's homemade fudge?

Don't play with me, Alan.

You've got fudge up here?

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Mm... fudge.

Aw.

Oh, you know what would be great?

Honey-baked fudge.

Or fudge-covered ham.

Mm... Mm...

Well, I'm really happy that we get to spend Christmas together.

We don't have to go to your mom's, do we?

Don't be silly.

Hey, you hungry?

I could eat.

Well, you're gonna.

Can we order Chinese like we did last year?

Oh, no, no. This year, we're gonna do something a little more traditional.

Deli?

No, we're gonna have a-a real, home-cooked Christmas dinner.

Whose home?

Our home.

How?

Well, I'm, uh, I'm dating a-a lady who's gonna make us a wonderful dinner.

Oh, okay.

Are you at all curious?

Yeah, a little.

Well, okay, you can, uh, ask me any question, and I'll try and answer it for you.

What are we having?

No, about the lady.

Oh. No, not really.

Well, I-I just want you to know that I-I really like her, and you're probably gonna be seeing her a lot.

Do I have to like her?

Well, of course not.

Then I probably won't.

Why would you say that?

We're very different people, Dad.

So true.

Is she gonna be staying over?

Yes.

Where is she gonna sleep?

In my room.

Okay.

Just remember, the walls are thin, and I'm impressionable.

♪ Men.

Hey, what are doing out here?

I thought I should prepare you.

For what?

Alan, remember what I told you about nesters?

Yeah.

Well, some are hummingbirds, some are robins.

But you my friend...

You got yourself a partridge in a freakin' pear tree.

Sandy did all this?

Yup.

I think it's cool.

It's like an amusement park.

Yeah, Six Flags Over Crazy-Ass Chick-land.

This cannot be Jake.

You're too grownup-looking.

Yeah, thanks. Are those for anybody?

Help yourselves.

[SNIFFING]

ALL: Mmm, gingerbread.

Jake, you can help me in the kitchen if you like.

I'm making chocolate eclairs for dessert, and I need an official taster.

I like her.

Well, look at that.

They're bonding already.

Alan, your kid would join the Taliban if they made their own s'mores.

So-So, when did she do all this decorating?

Hard to say.

Everything was normal up until lunchtime.

Oh, I missed lunch.

What did you have?

She made me a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich... Oh!

...with garlic mayonnaise on sourdough toast.

Oh! Damn!

Anyway, after lunch, I took a little nap and woke up in Santa's village of the damned.

Why do you have to be so cynical?

There is nothing wrong with decorating your home to show a little holiday spirit.

Aha!

But it's not her home, is it?

Well, no.

Whose home is it, Alan?

Okay, fine, I will have a talk with her.

Hold it!

What?

After dinner, you nimrod.

Anybody have room for another eclair?

Not unless I unbutton my pants.

Mine are already unbuttoned.

I took mine off when she brought out the marshmallow yams.

Okay, then.

What do you say we all go into the living room and sing some Christmas carols?

You mean stand up?

I don't think I can.

I'm not wearing pants.

Come on, guys. What's Christmas without caroling?

Chanukah?

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh... ♪ Hey.

Sandy, something wrong?

Who moved the reindeer?

I don't know that one, but I'll wing it.

[TO "JOY TO THE WORLD"]: ♪ Who moved the reindeer

♪ The savior's come

♪ He's coming to check on the reindeer... ♪ No, no, no, no.

These reindeer.

What about them?

Donner and Blitzen are out of order.

Somebody's been playing with them.

So?

So, I want to know who it was.

Jake?

I didn't do it.

Charlie?

Oh all right. I may have used one of 'em as a swizzle stick.

[SIGHS]

Well, no harm done.

But if you must play with them, please remember, it's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

Okay.

Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen!

Got it.

Say it!

Donner, Blitzen.

Okay then.

"The Little Drummer Boy."

♪ Brrum, Brrum

♪ Brrum, Brrum [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTE]

♪ Come, they told me, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum ♪

♪ A newborn king to see, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum ♪

♪ The finest gifts we bring, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum ♪

♪ To lay before the king, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum ♪

♪ Rum-pa-pum-pum...

Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen.

Alan, why aren't you asleep?

I don't know.

Just excited about Christmas, I guess.

Well, Santa won't come while you're awake.

Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that.

Now close your eyes, and let visions of sugarplums dance through your wee little head.

Okay.

[GASPS]

Oh, no.

What?

I-I forgot to put out cookies and milk for Santa.

Oh!

You're kidding, right?

Do you want coal in your stocking?

Because that's what you're gonna get if Santa doesn't find a snack when he comes down the chimney.

I see.

So, you believe in the vengeful, Old Testament Santa.

Are you mocking Christmas?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. You know what?

Well, I'll just take care of the milk and cookies.

You-You just relax and-and go to sleep.

He sees us when we're sleeping, you know.

Right.

I don't make the rules.

Okay.

[TO "THE FIRST NOEL"]: ♪ Oh, God, Oh, God

♪ Oh, God, Oh, God.

Charlie?

Hang on.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[SIGHS]

Okay, I'm ready for more pie.

We have a serious problem here.

We're out of pie?

Will you listen to me?

There's something wrong with Sandy.

Well, didn't we know that when she agreed to sleep with you?

No. Even wronger than that.

She actually believes in Santa Claus.

Really? Yeah.

Wow.

But we still have pie?

Yes, we still have pie.

Then what are we doin' up here?

I guess I could have a little sliver.

You know what?

I think something's wrong with Sandy.

I just said that.

Do you ever listen to me?

Sandy, sweetheart?

You okay?

He's not coming.

Who's not coming?

[WHISPERS]: Listen to this.

Santa.

Every year I try and make things perfect, and every year I fail.

Mama was right.

I am a naughty girl.

Come on, Alan.

Where we going?

I want you to teach this naughty girl a lesson.

She needs to be punished.

You lucky dog.

What? I'm not going in there.

She's nuts.

Yeah. So?

Sex with crazy chicks is great.

Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.

No, no. That would be taking advantage of a-a mentally unbalanced person.

Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed.

You might as well hop on board for a farewell cruise.

I don't think so.

It-It just wouldn't be right.

SANDY: Come on, Alan.

I'm ready.

Good night.

Okay.

Pie for everybody.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Are you out of your mind?

Mom, you've been naggin' us for years to spend Christmas with you.

Only because I knew you'd never show up.

Well, we had to get out of the house.

Yeah. The walls are thin, and I'm impressionable.

Hold on.

Stanley, put your pants on.

We'll exchange gifts later.

Come on in.

Dear God, look at the size of your ass!