03x14 - Love Isn't Blind, It's Ret*rded

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS]

This is such a beautiful sunset.

Thanks.

"Thanks"?

You're taking credit for the sunset?

Well, no, not-not-not the sunset, per se, but I did buy a very expensive house on the beach so we can stand here and watch the sunset, so... thanks.

The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?

Honestly?

It's like a G-spot with two mortgages.

[LAUGHS]: Well, just so you know, I'm not with you for your house or your money.

So it's the car.

Why would I care about your car?

It's an $80,000 Mercedes.

Yeah, so?

What does it do that other cars don't do?

It costs $80,000.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, I almost forgot.

I have something for you.

Oh, Charlie, you don't have to buy me expensive jewelry.

Okay, nothing but cheap crap from now on.

[GASPS]: It's beautiful.

Read the inscription.

"One month, two weeks, four days."

What-what does it mean?

Well, since we've decided to go ahead and consummate our relationship, finally, I thought I should honor the time we've already spent together... exclusively... in a committed relationship... without any sex... what-so-ever.

So unless we have sex before midnight tonight, you're going to need to buy a new bracelet?

Uh-huh. You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

Well, since you went to all the trouble to engrave it...

Don't even ask what I used as a chisel.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Kandi.

Hello, Alan. Is Charlie available?

Because I wish to speak with him.

Oh, oh, uh... uh, okay.

Um, why don't you wait here, and I'll, uh, let him know.

I would be immensely appreciative if you would.

All righty.

What the hell does... this mean?

I was sending you a message.

What, that you're a woman trapped in a man's body?

Kandi's here.

And you want me to call you Kandi?

No, Kandi, the girl you were seeing before Mia.

Oh...

Charlie, she's been calling here for days.

Don't you think it's time you let her know you're in an exclusive relationship with another woman?

Yeah, Charlie.

After all, it's been

"one month, two weeks, four days."

Did you know that Alan's a woman trapped in a man's body?

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ Men.

So... are you going to go talk to your ex-girlfriend?

Okay, first of all, sweetheart, she's not really an ex-girlfriend.

Her name's Kandi.

Thanks, Alan.

With a "K."

Alan...

And an "I."

Okay, so if Kandi with a "K" and and "I" isn't your ex-girlfriend, then what is she?

Well, I-I-I'd-I would say she's more of a, uh, person who would drop by from time to time and, uh... yeah, that.

And why haven't you told this person that you're in a committed relationship?

Her name's Kandi.

Boy, you're on thin ice.

I think we both know why you didn't tell her.

Well, if that's the case, then this discussion is moot...

...and we should go upstairs while Alan goes back out there and delivers a very credible lie as to my whereabouts. Alan?

Well, I'm not half the liar you are, but I'll give it a sh*t.

Shall we go upstairs and continue this conversation?

Are you out of your freakin' mind?

Okay. You're mad. I get that.

So?

Uh, well, Kandi, it's like this.

Charlie's with another woman.

Don't lie to me, Alan.

Okay, uh, he's in Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors without Borders.

Story of my life!

That's the story of your life?

It's not always a scrub nurse, but it's always Africa.

Before you say anything else, I want you to know I've anticipated problems like this.

Look on the other side of the bracelet.

"I'm very, very sorry."

Huh? Huh?

You know what your problem is, Charlie?

It's that you don't really believe in this relationship.

Not believe in it?

It's kept me from having sex for over six weeks.

That'd be like not believing in a serious groin pull.

You know what Kandi is?

I try not to judge.

She's a lifeboat.

You're keeping a lifeboat for when this ship sinks.

Hey, hey, hey, lifeboats don't mean you expect the ship to sink...

The relation-ship, if I may.

What they mean is that you have a-a-a healthy respect for the... power of the sea.

Are you listening to yourself?

Yeah, I just caught the last part.

Not well thought out. No.

All my life, guys have looked at me like I'm just some kind of sex toy.

Well, they're wrong.

Yeah. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you should be pigeonholed.

Uh-huh.

And the only reason I'm so good at it is 'cause I practice.

A-ha.

Of course, all the practice in the world isn't going to help if you don't love what you're doing.

A-ha.

What do you want me to do, Mia, call every woman I've ever known just to announce that I'm now in a committed relationship?

"Hi, Shirley? This is Charlie Harper.

"We met at Disneyland about 22 years ago...

"Yeah, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. That was me.

"Anyway, I just thought I should let you know

"I have a girlfriend now, "so I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me.

Okay, bye-bye."

Well, that takes care of Shirley.

Now what about Kandi?

You want me to tell her? Fine.

I'll tell her.

I'll go tell her right now.

But before I cut her loose completely, let me float a crazy idea by you.

Sort of a win-win... win.

Are you out of your freakin' mind?

It was worth a sh*t.

Kandi, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I'm in a committed relationship now and I'm-I'm-I'm really in love with this woman.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.

Now, sweetie... don't cry.

I'm sure you'll find someone else.

Bye-bye!

Bye-bye.

What? I thought we were going upstairs.

Okay. You're still mad. I get that.

♪ Men.

I made your bed.

Thank you.

It's been real easy lately.

How nice for you.

You haven't even been flying solo, have you?

That's a little personal, isn't it?

Hey, you want privacy, wash your own sheets.

Once I get my mitts on 'em, they're in the public domain.

Good morning. Morning.

How'd it go with Mia last night?

Based on his laundry, not well.

Why don't you tell the neighbors?

Where do you think I'm going?!

Oh, by the way, thanks for getting rid of Kandi for me.

Hey, I'm your brother. I got your back.

Good to know.

Hey, as long as we're on the subject, I was wondering... since you're... swimming in Lake Monogamy, as it were... would you mind if I, you know, asked Kandi out sometime?

Go for it. Just wanted to make sure you're okay with it.

I'm fine with it.

I just don't want you to feel weird.

Thanks for your consideration.

Morning, Huggy Bear!

So, Kandi, you want to go out sometime?

♪ Men.

Okay, I want you to know I tracked down Kandi.

I told her she needs to move on, and she has, so I've got no lifeboats, no life preservers, no water wings.

If the ship goes down, I'm going down with it.

Charlie...

So there's no longer any reason to put off you and me getting naked and rutting like a couple of pigs.

Charlie, I'd like you to meet my parents.

Hello.

What if Dad says I can stay up to watch it?

He won't.

How do you know?

Your father and I talk about these things, so don't try to play us against each other.

I got to try. It's what I do.

Hi!

Hello. Is, uh, Alan here?

Father Huggy Bear...!

Yes, my child?

You've got company.

Alan?

Stall 'em! Stall 'em! Stall 'em!

KANDI: Okay.

You must be Jake.

Uh-huh.

And you must be Jake's grandma.

♪ Men.

Judith, hi.

Why don't you go watch some cartoons.

Okay. Cool!

Are you proud of yourself? What do you mean?

Oh, please, she has to be half your age.

Oh, that.

Yeah, I am pretty proud of that.

What could you possibly have in common?

What do you talk about?

Talk? To tell you the truth, we haven't really done a lot of talking.

I mean, I-I did hear her confession.

She's been a very bad girl.

And I'm supposed to leave Jake here?

What kind of message does that send him?

I don't know, dreams can come true?

Life is beautiful? There is a God?

Father.

I suppose you're the one that introduced Alan to that slutty little... Don't say it, Judith.

You'll just be demeaning all women.

And yes.

Figures. Well, I don't want her around my son.

Oh, really? So do I get to screen the men that you're dating?

And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.

What about him?

It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.

Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.

I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.

Watch out for crabgrass.

So what's Kandi, a nun?

Mm, Catholic school girl.

Oh, excellent choice.

Oh, uh, hey, how are things with Mia?

Not bad. She forgives me.

Introduced me to her parents.

Oh, really? How'd that go?

Well, you know, those things are always awkward.

But the big news is, I'm taking Mia to the Bel Air Hotel tonight, where we will finally express our love for one another in the way that we were meant to.

Drunk and in a hurry.

You got it.

♪ Men How's the caviar?

It's perfect.

Everything's perfect.

Would you like me to build a fire?

Oh, don't go to any trouble.

It's no trouble.

Luckily, I was a Boy Scout in Beverly Hills.

Champagne? No, thanks. I want to be completely present for the first time we make love.

Oh. Good for you.

Don't you want to be present?

Uh, well, within reason.

Come on.

What do you say we save the champagne?

But I already opened it.

Do you really need alcohol to make love to me?

No, no.

I don't need it.

Well, then...

Is something wrong?

I don't know.

I mean, we didn't hop into bed on the first date, we've gotten to know each other really well, we're not drinking... It's all so new to me.

That's what makes it special.

I just don't want either of us to be disappointed because one of us might not be... throwing their "A" game tonight.

Are you nervous?

No, no, of course not.

But, you know, of the two of us, only one can... fake an "A" game.

There's nothing that you could do to disappoint me tonight, Charlie.

No. It's what I can't do that might disappoint you.

You just relax. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Why don't you put some music on.

Okay.

Should I ask?

I wish you wouldn't.

I'm not supposed to play this game, 'cause my mom says it's too violent.

It has to be violent.

You can't negotiate with zombies.

Don't tell me, tell her.

I don't think she likes me.

She doesn't really like anybody.

Except the guy who keeps putting grass in our backyard.

Okay... time for bed.

Just a little longer? We're not sleepy!

No, him.

Oh... I get to stay up.

That's not fair! Jake.

Just 'cause she's a girl.

Want to play?

Oh, no, thanks. I-I thought maybe we could just talk.

[CHAIN SAW BUZZING] Hang on, let me just saw off this zombie's head.

[ZOMBIE SHRIEKING]

Good Lord!

There we go.

Now let me save my work.

Okay. All done.

Want to have sex?

Uh...

Uh, actually, I-I do.

Um, but, uh, maybe we could spend a little time getting to know each other first.

All right.

What do you want to know?

Uh... well, do you have any brothers or sisters?

I do not. How about you?

Well... Charlie.

Oh, right, Charlie.

Uh, do you like to read?

Oh, yeah, I love reading. Oh, great, great, me, too.

Read anything good lately?

You mean like books and magazines, not billboards and text messages, right?

Yeah.

Then no.

Do menus count?

Are you ready for me?

Mia, if I were any more ready, I'd be done.

[LAUGHS]

[LOUD BANG]

Sorry. Are you okay?

I think so. Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm fine.

[THUMP] Ow!

Are you okay?

Yeah. But I think that's enough foreplay.

See, the thing for me was that I never should have gotten married.

I was young, I didn't know who I was, and, to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.

Wow.

Can I share something with you?

Uh, yes, please. This is communicating.

This is how we connect.

You shouldn't tell people that stuff.

It makes you sound like a loser.

No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a person with feelings and flaws.

Tell you what, why don't we just go have sex.

Finally!

♪ Men

Oh, cheer up.

It wasn't that bad.

There were... parts of it that I liked.

Would you please not go over the game film now?

What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?

This is supposed to be the part of the relationship that I'm good at.

You are.

It... was... fine.

I don't want to hear "fine."

I want to see your eyes roll back and the top of your head blow off.

This isn't a carnival game, and the object is not just to swing your mallet and ring my bell.

Well, we disagree.

That's just your ego talking.

Charlie, listen to me.

I love you, not your money or your car or your house or your skills in bed.

What's left?!

Charlie... Oh, come on, come on.

You're saying that if I was some pencil-weenied guy and living in a shack and taking the bus to my job selling oranges on the freeway off-ramp, you'd still love me?

Yes, I would still love you.

Okay. I understand now.

Good. You're insane.

Why, because I love the real you?

No, no, because you think there is a real me.

Would you believe I loved you if my eyes had rolled back and my head had blown off?

It would be a start.

All right, I guess we're just gonna have to try again.

Hang on, hang on. How am I gonna know you're not faking it just to make me feel better?

Honey, if I was gonna fake it, don't you think I would've done it the first time?

Fair enough.

♪ Men

According to my girlfriend, underneath all the superficial cool stuff in my life, there's actually a real me.

Hm, no kidding?

Apparently, he's quite a guy.

Well, I'd like to meet him sometime.

Don't hold your breath.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, has no idea who I really am, damn little desire to find out, and is only interested in riding me like a wild mustang and draining me of all bodily fluids.

Oh. How do you feel about that?

I think I love her.

You know what?

Love isn't blind, it's Ret*rded.