03x17 - The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

[bunniefuu]

So, any thoughts on what you'd like for dinner this weekend?

You decide, honey.

I love everything you cook.

Oh, so all of a sudden I'm a woman because I cook and try to make a nice home for you?

Okay, I heard it, too. Shut up.

JAKE: Gangway!

Jake!

Leave him alone.

With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.

Are you saying my son's going to end up working in a supermarket?

No, I'm saying he's probably going to end up homeless.

Well, as I live and breathe, Charlie Harper.

[SOTTO VOCE]: Oh, great.

Archie.

So how's the best jingle writer in the business?

Looks like he's put on a few pounds.

Archie, this is my brother, Alan.

Alan, Archie Baldwin, the king of the jingle writers.

Well, I don't know about that.

More like the ayatollah of the jingle writers.

The Grand Pooh-Bah, if you will.

Really? What's that make you, Charlie?

To be honest, a little nauseous.

Hey, listen, we should get together sometime, maybe collaborate.

I'd like that.

Well, sure, there's no downside for you.

What the hell.

Remind me about it at the awards dinner.

Oh, I'm not going to that.

Well, why not? You're nominated.

What are you nominated for?

It's a silly advertising award.

Doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, he's right.

It's not about the trophies, it's about the work.

P.S.: My work has won seven trophies.

Hey, one more, I'll have a menorah.

Well, good luck, Archie, but I think I'll pass.

Oh, well, good for you.

Stay home and sulk.

Nice meeting you.

Okay, where do they keep the extra-large condoms?

Boy, he's a piece of work.

He's a piece of something.

Hey, how come you never mentioned that whole awards thing?

It's no big deal.

I've been nominated plenty of times.

Oh. Well, how many times have you won?

What difference does it make?

So never.

Yes, Alan, never.

But that guy Archie has won, like, seven times.

Yes, he has.

Wow, that's got to sting.

Hey, Alan, have you ever been beaten to death with a can of corn?

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

[POP ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Bad stuff grows in the cr*ck of your toes ♪

♪ And nobody knows like Toe-Zene ♪

♪ Itchy feet burn, make you squiggle and squirm ♪

♪ Get fast relief with Toe-Zene ♪

♪ Toe-Zene ANNOUNCER: Toe-Zene anti-fungal medication should not be used by pregnant women, people with heart conditions or those who are taking SSI inhibitors.

♪ Toe-Zene.

I don't know. This could be my year.

I really think it's your best work, Charlie.

Thanks.

I know I said the same thing about Mr. Herpes Lip Balm.

Yeah.

Just Like a Woman Natural Douche.

And that hemorrhoid cream. What was it called?

Fire in the Hole.

That was good, but Toe-Zene is the one that's finally going to bring home the gold.

Thanks for your support, Rose.

You're welcome.

Now, can you do something for me?

No.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

I want you to talk to my boyfriend.

Why would I want to talk to your boyfriend?

Because he's smothering me, and not in the good, "Can you move your thigh off my face" kind of way.

I need my space, Charlie.

I wake up in the morning and there he is staring at me.

I have a bowl of soup, and there he is blowing on it for me.

Even when we have sex, I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.

Oh, that's going to keep me up tonight.

You have to explain to him that if you love someone, you have to let them go.

If they come back, they're yours.

If they don't, then you stalk them.

Look, I really don't want to get involved in your love life.

Well, if someone doesn't talk to him, we're gonna have to break up.

Do what you have to do.

Oh, I get it.

You want me to be single again.

Get him over here.

Thank you.

Was that so hard?

♪ Men.

[PLAYING SOFT VERSION OF TOE-ZENE JINGLE]

I had no idea these awards were so prestigious.

They're meaningless crap.

Come on. Look at this list of past winners for Best Jingle.

Barry Manilow, Randy Newman, Kenny Loggins, Archie Baldwin, Archie Baldwin, Archie Baldwin... [BANGS PIANO KEYS]

What's your point?

My point is it's an honor just to be nominated.

No, no, it's an honor to win.

Being nominated is just a soul-sucking waste of time.

Why are you so sure you're going to lose?

Because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle.

It's about who has the sexiest product.

That's why the awards always go to car and beer ads.

Over-the-counter medications just aren't hip enough.

That hardly seems fair.

Tell me about it.

Encourage people to get drunk and drive fast, great, here's an award.

Relieve the heartbreak of vaginal itching?

They don't even want to shake your hand.

Well, win or lose, you should still go to the ceremony.

No, no, no, no, no.

An awards ceremony is like a Thai massage.

If you don't know that there's going to be a happy ending, there's no point in lying down.

It's not just about you, Charlie.

You have a family who's proud of your accomplishments and might like the chance to share them.

What family is that?

Your family: me, Jake, Mom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do not tell Mom about this nomination.

Why? It's a good thing.

It doesn't matter.

If it's a good thing, she'll find a way to make it bad.

Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.

Oh, really.

Let's try a little experiment.

I'll pretend I'm Mom and you tell me something good.

All right. Um, hey, Mom, I have discovered a cure for cancer.

Very nice.

Shame you couldn't do it in time to save Uncle Walter's left testicle.

Come on. Give me another one.

No, I get the idea.

No, hit me.

Okay, um...

Gee, Mom, it really is a beautiful day, huh?

Try telling that to Uncle Walter's one good nut.

Okay. Um, I adore my son.

Somebody has to.

How about friendship?

How about Judas?

Family. Manson.

Puppies. Rabies.

Love. Communicable disease.

You win.

Quitter! Leave me alone.

You're already alone.

Your wife threw you out, remember?

♪ Men.

ROSE: Damn it, Gordon!

Get up there and talk to Charlie.

GORDON: But I don't want to talk to Charlie.

ROSE: Do you like having sex with me, Gordon?

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Gordon.

What's going on?

Oh, not much.

I was just passing by.

Thought I'd see how you're doing.

I'm doing fine.

Good.

Good...

Nice shirt.

Right back at ya.

So...

Rose says I have to talk to you, or I can't have sex with her anymore.

I see.

You sure you're making the right choice?

Call me crazy.

Well, crazy is the price of admission for that ride.

Okay, come here, sit down.

Oh.

You want a beer?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'm a really mean drunk.

I sensed that.

Anyway, the thing you need to understand about Rose...

About any woman really is...

They want what they can't have.

But Rose can have me.

Trust me on this, Gordon.

Play it cool, keep your distance, be aloof, you'll have to call the cops to get rid of her.

You really think so?

I know so.

But they won't come right away.

She'll still have time to hot glue her high school graduation picture to your freshly shaved ass.

♪ Men.

Hey, Mom, here's some good news.

It seems with medical breakthroughs, the average lifespan will soon be a hundred years.

Wonderful. More time to be ignored by your children.

Amazing.

Morning, Mom.

You're looking very pretty today.

That's nice, because inside I'm dead.

When you're right, you're right.

Charlie, I need a favor.

Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.

I've got a client coming into town next Saturday, and he's bringing his lovely daughter.

Uh, and by "lovely," she means "dog-like."

All right, she may not be a beauty queen, but she does have a terrific figure.

I'm guessing six nipples.

Anyhow, I was hoping you could show her a good time.

No big deal.

You don't even have to take her to dinner.

Just go to the beach and throw a stick till she gets tired.

Gee, Mom, as much as I'd love to service the unfortunate little schnauzer, I'm busy next Saturday.

What are you doing?

I've... I've...

I've got a... uh... I got a... I got a thing.

Don't lie to me, Charlie. You've got nothing.

You just don't want to help me.

No, no, no, no. I... I... I swear.

I have... I have... I have plans.

I'm... I'm... I'm going to this... this awards ceremony.

You never go to these things.

Yeah, well, this year's different.

Your client's daughter will just have to hump somebody else's leg.

Told you I could get him to go.

This is really boring.

Keep it to yourself, Jake.

I just don't understand why I had to come.

You're here to support your Uncle Charlie, the same way he supported you by going to your Christmas pageant this year.

You remember the one, where you stood in back picking lint off your antlers while the rest of the class recited "The Night Before Kwanzaa."

Oh, yeah. Uncle Charlie?

What?

Now you have to come to my Easter pageant.

This event isn't televised, is it?

No.

Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.

Congratulations.

You've just been elected tonight's designated driver.

Come on, just ignore her.

Ignore her? It would be easier to ignore blood in my urine.

Well, well, well.

Look who decided to be a good sport.

Speaking of blood in my urine.

Hey, Archie.

Hey, I want to tell you people, this man has been a real inspiration to me.

No, come on.

No, no. I mean it.

Whenever I'm struggling to write a jingle and I feel like I'm not measuring up, I ask myself, how would Charlie Harper write this?

And the answer always makes me feel better about my own work.

So, Charlie, aren't you going to introduce me?

Mom, Archie. Archie, Mom.

You're Charlie's mother?

Oh, a teenage pregnancy, no doubt.

How brave of you to keep him.

Well, aren't you adorable.

Mom, Archie is nominated in the same category as Charlie.

Oh.

Well, I'll be rooting for you, Archie.

Okay, then, thanks for stopping by.

Good luck.

You deserve it this year.

Thanks.

I mean, how many times can they snub you?

I don't really keep track.

Seven.

Seven years in a row.

If you say so.

Hey, stick around after the ceremony.

If I win, I'll let you hold my trophy.

Not to mention the little statue they give me.

Isn't the little statue the trophy?

Just eat your chicken.

And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year Award, we have a special treat.

Please tell me they're gonna pass out g*ns.

Our very own seven time award winner, here to perform his own nominated tune, composed especially for the United Nations'

Save-an-Orphan program...

Oh, God, not orphans.

Archie Baldwin!

Oh, goodie.

[PIANO PLAYING GENTLE TUNE]

This is for all the orphans out there.

♪ There's no tree at Christmastime ♪

♪ No pumpkin Hallow's Eve

♪ No candles on the birthday cake ♪

♪ No reason to believe

♪ He works all day in a cold, dark mine ♪

♪ His little lungs filled with soot ♪

♪ Her mom is Kim Jong's concubine ♪

♪ Her dad was k*lled by the Tonton Macoute ♪

♪ Save the orphans

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Save the orphans

♪ Don't do it for me

♪ Don't do it for you

♪ Do it for little Kim Sung, [CLICKING NOISE] and Abu ♪

♪ Save the orphans

♪ Ah... ♪ Come on, everybody!

♪ Save the orphans ♪ Ah... ♪ Tax deductible!

♪ Save the orphans

♪ Save the orphans

♪ Save the orphans Woody Allen can't marry them all!

♪ Save the orphans Some of them don't even have parents!

♪ Save the orphans Get two, get one free!

♪ Save the orphans You're the ones paying for scholarships!

♪ Save the orphans...

♪ Save the orphans ♪

♪ Ah...

♪ Save the orphans

♪ Ah...

Enough!

But it's catchy.

So is diphtheria.

How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?

'Cause I don't.

In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.

Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life.

In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness and death.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Better luck next year, Charlie!

Good night, boys.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

There's also crushing humiliation.

Huh.

Well, in sixth grade, you get a trophy.

♪ Men.

Hey.

Can I get you anything?

A length of rope and a rickety stool?

Charlie, it's understandable that you might be a little blue right now.

But that will pass.

Get out of here, Alan.

You know, I often find that when things look darkest, it really helps to share your...

I swear, I will drop-kick you over that railing.

All right.

Pleasant dreams.

You don't dream in a blackout, you moron.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, God.

How'd it go tonight?

Well, let me put it this way:

What the advertising community did to me earlier this evening, Archie Baldwin is now doing to my mother.

He's not acknowledging her wonderful talent?

Just leave it alone, Rose.

Sorry.

Have you seen Gordon?

Not since I talked to him.

And by the way, thanks for that opportunity.

I've always wanted to bond with a pasty kid who dresses like me.

Well, I don't know what you said to him, but he's been acting very strange, lately.

Lately?

I keep calling, but he doesn't pick up the phone.

And when I leave a message, he doesn't call back.

I thought you wanted him to stop being so clingy.

I thought I did, too, but now I miss his cute little face peeking at me while I'm washing my hair, shaving my legs, soaping up my breasts, which you no doubt remember are extremely firm and perky.

So he spies on you in the shower?

No. That would be weird.

Why is love so complicated?

I don't know, Rose.

Stuff happens.

Oh, Charlie, you always know the right thing to say.

Well, this is a fine kettle of fish.

Oh, why can't I just black out in peace?

"Be aloof," you said. "Play hard to get."

You just wanted me out of your way so you could make your move.

You caught me, Gordon.

Now do the right thing and k*ll me.

Oh, Charlie, is this true?

Is this part of some devious plan to win me back?

You heard her, Gordon.

k*ll me.

Rose, you wanted him out of your hair, I got him out of your hair.

You wanted to get rid of me?

No. I just need some space.

You want space?

I'll give you all the space you want. Fine.

In fact, I'll leave right now.

Well, great, I'll just stay here with Charlie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody leaves.

Nobody stays.

Rose, get off me.

Okay, now, everybody listen carefully, 'cause I'm pretty sure I'm only gonna be able to say this once.

Rose, think about it.

Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon?

And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?

The man makes sense, Rose.

Damn right, I make sense.

If you kids don't patch things up, you know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna wind up old, miserable and alone.

He's right, Gordon.

Look what happened to him.

I love you, Rose.

I love you, too.

Oh, good, a happy ending.

Get the hell off my deck.

Come on, lamb chop, let's go home.

Hold on.

Climbing over the rail is ridiculous and juvenile.

From now on, I want to take the stairs.

Do you like having sex with me, Gordon?

Call me crazy.

[CLAPPING]

And the real winner tonight is Charlie Harper, a man with a heart so big that he'd step outside of his own misery to help two people in need.

Alan, I'm warning you.

Now, I know you don't want to hear this, but let me tell you something.

The Archie Baldwins of this world are soon forgotten.

It's people like you, people who are selfless and generous, who will live on forever.

Last chance.

Oh, please.

That Grumpy Gus routine is not...

Good night.