03x22 - Just Once with Aunt Sophie

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Hey.

So, what's going on in school?

Nothing.

Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?

That's where the clock is.

[PHONERINGS]

CHARLIE: I got it.

Well, I find it hard to believe that you just watch the clock all day.

Have you seen my report card?

Jake, it's for you.

I'm busy.

It's a girl.

I don't care.

Her name is Wendy Cho.

Hold on! I'm coming! Don't hang up!

Hey. How's it going?

Okay, that's something we haven't seen before.

Yeah. He only moves that fast when he's got the squirts.

Wendy Cho is the smartest girl at school.

I wonder why she's calling Jake.

Maybe she lost a bet.

That's not nice.

Well, kids are cruel.

Jake is obviously smitten with her.

I just hope he's not setting himself up for disappointment.

Hey, you know what they say:

"A man's reach must exceed his grasp or what's a penis for?"

Who says that?

Okay, I might be paraphrasing.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men, men ♪

♪ Oh. ♪ Men...

Hey, Dad? Yeah, Jake?

Wendy Cho's having a party tomorrow night. Can I go?

Tomorrow? A little last minute, isn't it?

Well, she wasn't going to invite me

'cause Danny Palmer told Amy Sherlack that I didn't like her, but I told Peter Calahan to tell Ellen Meisner that I kinda did.

I see.

You do?

He lost me at Amy Sherlack.

Are her parents going to be there?

I guess.

Let the fathers who have girls worry about that.

Shut up.

All right. I'm going to want to meet her parents, but I don't see any reason why you can't go.

Cool. Oh, yeah. I'm going a new shirt, new pants and new shoes.

What's wrong with those you've got?

Are you kidding? Everybody's already seen them.

Yeah, but not with all the latest food stains.

I hear gravy's the new black.

Fine. We'll go shopping tomorrow.

How about a new haircut?

What's wrong with my hair?

Let's just say everybody's already seen it.

Okay. New haircut.

So, this is your first party with girls, huh?

Maybe.

Maybe? You're not sure?

You got some cross-dressers in sixth grade?

Playing a little pin the tail on the tr*nny?

Shut up.

Why does everyone keep telling me to shut up?

'Cause you're an insensitive dolt.

That's no reason.

This is a very delicate time in a boy's life.

I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.

Oh, right. That was in college, wasn't it?

Shut up.

What's important now is that we support Jake.

Agreed. I'll kick in the wine coolers and a package of condoms. What are you going to do?

You're joking, right?

Okay, let's say I'm joking.

Look, I appreciate your interest but this is a father-son moment and, in fact, it's one that I've been looking forward to since I saw the shadow of his little dingus in the first sonogram.

That's very touching, and more than a bit creepy.

But, still, I can't risk letting you scar the kid forever.

What do you mean by that?

Face it, Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of abject failure with women?

It's not a lifetime yet.

I, on the other hand, have a wealth of experience to offer.

He's 12. He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm saving that for prom night.

Oh, good.

Let me give you an example.

Jake's at the party.

All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?

Um...

You see? You see?

Right there... that "um..."... Is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

Define "chronic."

The solution to the problem, my hairy-palmed friend...

...is to walk right up to the prettiest girl there and ask her to dance.

Why the prettiest girl?

Because she's the one all the other guys are afraid of.

She'll be dying for some attention.

What if Wendy Cho isn't the prettiest girl at the party?

It doesn't matter.

When she sees our boy dancing with a hot chick, she'll be all over him.

Of course.

It's... it's so obvious.

Bet you're wishing you could do over sixth grade now, huh?

I could have danced with Heidi Winkler.

Yeah, you could have.

Or... or Pam Talega. Yep.

Or Mary Beth Hicks. Uh-huh.

Shoshana Wasserstein!

Ooh. I don't think so.

♪ Men...

Hey, can I get leather pants?

No. No.

Why not?

Because you need something that lets the farts out.

So... Wendy Cho, huh?

Real subtle, Alan.

Charlie, it's a father-son thing.

Yeah, so was prewar Iraq.

You, uh, want to tell me about her?

Not really.

Is she in your class?

Where else would I meet her, in a bar?

My turn? No.

I'm just curious about what kind of person she is, what is about her that you find...

I don't know... alluring.

What?

Your dad wants to know if you think she's hot.

Oh.

It's personal.

She's hot.

Are you nervous about this party?

I don't know, maybe a little.

Okay, Jake, here's what you do. Charlie.

Hey, hey, you had your sh*t.

"Alluring"?

Is there going to be dancing tonight?

I think so. Terrific.

Do you know how to dance?

Not exactly.

Don't worry; it's easy to fake.

The thing to remember is the more you move your arms, the stupider you look.

Oh, that is so not true.

Just keep it simple, and you'll be fine. Okay.

Besides, the critical time is between dances.

What do you mean?

That's when you talk, or more precisely, you get her to talk.

About what?

Doesn't matter... You won't be listening anyway.

Oh, Charlie.

Just drive the car.

Yeah, Dad, this is important.

Keep in mind: you're not looking to score tonight, you're just trying to get into the batter's box.

Wendy doesn't like sports.

You're missing the point.

She plays violin.

Listen to me.

Your goal for the party tonight is to convince Wendy Cho that you're a mature, sophisticated guy who sees her not just as a woman but as a complete human being.

You got it?

I think so. Good.

I'm not going.

Hey, hey, not only are you going to go, but it's going to be a night you'll remember for the rest of your life.

That's what I'm afraid of.

♪ Men...

Oh, oh, this is nice.

Yeah, sure, if he's doing the other kids' taxes.

It's a timeless style.

No, it just seems timeless when you're not getting laid.

Put it back.

JAKE: This is cool.

CHARLIE: Yeah, just one question: is your Wendy Cho a voodoo priestess?

No, I think she's Chinese.

Put it back.

You know, there's something to be said for letting him make his own choices here.

Oh, that's a bunch of crap... he's an idiot.

If we let him, he'd go to that party in a Viking helmet and a cape.

Ah. Here we go.

Don't even think about it.

What? It says, "I've got a little money, but I'm not a corporate drone."

No, it says, "I'm pushing 40, and I can't deal with it."

All right.

Maybe the kid needs his own look.

Jake, come here.

What? CHARLIE: Just stand there.

Let's try and visualize what your personal style might be.

Okay.

Maybe we should start with the haircut.

♪ Men...

Oh, my, has Mommy been trimming your hair with her teeth?

What?

Not to worry, Ricky loves a challenge.

I'm guessing Ricky also loves pretending he's a taffy apple.

You want to take him to your guy, with the shaking hands and the signed picture of Desi Arnaz on the wall?

Desi Arnaz had beautiful hair.

So, Charles, do we have a game plan, or shall I just follow my muse?

Can I get a mohawk?

No. No. No.

I think we should just go for something young and hip.

Like your hairstyle. Sure. Why not?

You'd have to k*ll me.

Just tighten it up a little, nothing extreme.

Can you make it purple?

No. No. No.

Aw, man.

Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing.

He's been cutting my hair for years.

Well, what if I don't want to look like you?

What's wrong with the way I look?

Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.

Are you freakin' kidding me?

Charlie.

Kid should be so lucky.

We'll wait over here.

I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking sh*ts at me?

You said it yourself: he has to find his own look.

Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!

Look at his point of view.

What's his point of view?

Well, put overalls on you, and you do kind of look like the Big Boy.

Stand like this for me.

Shut up.

By the way... did you have "the talk" with him?

Oh, sure, I mean, well, we've had a talk, you know, covered the basics.

He knows where babies come from and how they got there.

That's all? He's going to this party completely clueless about how much fun he can have between "Hi, how are you?"

And "What do you mean you missed your period?"

Charlie, it's a kids' party: pizza, soft drinks, a little dancing.

Oh, really? You know what I was doing at his age?

I don't want to hear it.

Are you sure?

It involves Shoshana Wasserstein.

You danced with Shoshana Wasserstein?

Actually, that's the one thing we didn't do.

Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I happen to believe childhood should be a time of innocence.

I agree... childhood should be a time of innocence.

And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complimentary after the fifth cocktail.

But that's not the world we live in.

This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.

Oh, really?

Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair.

The guys who have no clue, they'll spend their teenage years...

Well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeonmaster Alan.

♪ Men...

I'm ready.

It's very nice. Yeah, I think we're good.

Turn around.

You're supposed to take the price tag off.

But you said it was good to be seen in expensive clothes.

You still want him to learn from his mistakes?

Fine. Can we go now? Hang on.

Let's see the dance moves.

[CHARLIE SINGING MID-TEMPO DANCE b*at]

Don't stare at your shoes.

Eyes on the girl at all times.

Pretend you care.

[CHARLIE SINGING]

Good, good, good.

Now, how do you stand when you know Wendy's looking at you?

That's it.

Little head bob.

Show me the sleepy eyes.

I said sleepy, not brain-dead.

All right.

Who's the man?

I'm the man. Who's the man?

I'm the man!

Okay, let's go get 'em!

[SINGING DANCE b*at]

CHARLIE [CALLS ]: Alan! I'm coming!

2138...

2136...

Try the house with the balloons tied to the mailbox.

Oh. Right.

Okay.

Let's go.

Where are you going?

I want to meet her parents, say hello, find out when to pick you up.

Alan, you take one step out of this car, I will b*at your brains out with a tire iron.

Thank you, Uncle Charlie.

Have fun.

Uh, call my cell when you want me to pick you...

[DOOR CLOSES]

...up.

[SIGHS]: There he goes.

My son is attending his first boy-girl party.

[BOTH SIGH LOUDLY]

Who's that opening the door?

Oh, that's, uh, that's Wendy Cho.

Oh, good. She's cute.

The kid's got taste.

But she's, like, a foot taller than him.

That's all right... When they slow dance, his head'll be perfectly positioned.

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter.

Right. Like, you never copped a feel with your ear.

No!

Well... okay, once, with Aunt Sophie.

But that was an accident.

So you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Men...

Here you go.

Thank you.

[LAUGHS]: Oh, looks good.

She's pretty, huh?

Huh?

Yeah, I guess.

What's the matter with you?

What if I sent him out there too soon?

What if he's not ready?

Don't b*at yourself up. You did everything you could.

There just wasn't enough time, damn it.

It's out of our hands... We just have to let nature take its course.

Sounds good... unfortunately, nature keeps telling him to scratch his ass.

[PHONE PLAYS RING-TONE]

Oh, it's Jake.

Oh, God, I knew it! Give me that.

No, no, no, I got it.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

He wants to come home.

Why? He just got there.

Why? You just got there.

He says it's personal.

Give me that.

Jake...

Jake, I'm gonna talk you through this.

Just pipe down and listen.

Finish your cookie later!

Where's Wendy Cho right now?

Well, how many girls is she talking to?

Okay, okay, you got to split her from the herd.

Walk over and say you have something to ask her.

Then take her hand and lead her away from her friends.

Okay, then put the cookie down first!

Now, when you have some privacy, I want you to look her right in the eye and say you were lying, you just wanted to be alone with her.

It will, too, work!

All right, call me back.

[SIGHS]

God, I just wish I could be there with him.

Me, too.

Thanks.

You ready for a refill?

Sure.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just worried about my nephew.

He's at his first boy-girl party.

Aw, that's adorable.

Uh, he's, uh, he's my son.

Uh-huh.

How old is he?

12. Kid's the apple of my eye.

You're so sweet.

Uh, excuse me, officially, it's, uh, my apple, uh, and my eye.

Okay.

Connie.

Charlie.

Would you like some pie, Charlie?

It's on the house.

Your house or mine?

[LAUGHS]: You're awful. Mine.

Un-freakin'-believable.

Look, Connie, I'm kind of tied up tonight, you know, with my nephew, but why don't you write your number on the bill? Hmm.

Already did.

What?

He's my son.

But I know how to use him.

[PHONE PLAYS "FUR ELISE" RING TONE]

Oh, it's Jake.

Talk to me.

No, you're the man.

You're the man.

Great. Keep me posted.

Who's the man?

Right.

What? What?

It's going well.

♪ Men...

He's gonna be one of the last to leave.

That's a good sign.

[SIGHS]: Yeah.

You tend to lose track of time when you're in a closet with a girl.

Uh-huh.

I just wish I could've covered kissing with him.

Please, God, don't let him pucker.

[HEAVY SIGH] What's wrong?

Oh, it's nothing.

Don't worry, Wendy'll know what to do.

She's probably been practicing with her girlfriends.

Man, chicks are so lucky.

It's not the kissing, it's... [SIGHS]

It's this whole thing.

Hey, look, I'm sorry if I interfered with the father-son deal, Alan...

No, no, no, you've, uh, you've done a great job.

Jake's really lucky to have you.

So what's the problem?

I guess I'm a little jealous. Of what?

Charlie, do you have any idea what it would've meant to me to have you take me under your wing the way you have with Jake?

Oh, we're we go. Dad was gone and there was no one to teach me this stuff.

You know how I found out about French kissing?

Mom sliced a plum in half and stuck her tongue in it.

Aw, you could've taken that secret to the grave.

And that's not all she showed me.

To this day I can't eat plums, dried apricots or b-bananas.

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

Look, I was young, I was selfish.

I should've been there for you.

You know, it's not too late.

That's a real nice idea, buddy.

But I'm afraid it is.

JAKE: Hey.

Hey.

Well? How'd it go?

Okay.

J-Just okay? Alan, leave it alone.

All right.

So, Jake, congratulations.

For what?

You got lipstick all over your mouth.

Aw, man!

Relax, I was bluffing.

Oh.

But congratulations.

Thanks.

♪ Men...

but I think Jake's off to a good start with the ladies.

Yeah, listen, Charlie, um, don't take this the wrong way, but...

I really don't want Jake to grow up like... you.

Oh, Alan, how could I possibly take that the wrong way?

No, I mean, I don't want him to be a player.

I want him to value women and cherish his relationships with them.

Hey, I value women.

I cherish my relationships with them.

But I take your point.

Hey, Dad, how old do you have to be to get married?

Uh, I guess 18. Why?

Just wondering how long Wendy and I have to wait.

One kiss, and he's ready to marry the girl.

So?

So you don't have to worry.

He's definitely your son.