03x23 - Arguments for the Quickie

[bunniefuu]

Yo, whassup?

Oh, stop it.

Hey, give me back my skully.

This is not a skully.

It's a ski cap your grandmother gave you for Christmas.

Charlie, come on. He's just trying to find his look.

Word.

Word?

There's a reindeer on it.

Don't listen to him, Jake.

I think it looks very dope on you.

Oh, man!

Hey, did you see that your former girlfriend's dance troupe is in town?

Mia's here?

Let me see that.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Whoa, is somebody still carrying a torch?

Torch? Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, I'm glad to see she's following her dream, but I've moved on.

You know, I think she called the other day.

What?! When?!

What'd she want?! What'd she say?!

Um...

Come on, kid, spill it!

Nope, no unresolved feelings there.

She wanted to talk to you, but you weren't home.

I know that, you chowderhead.

What else did she say?

Uh, she said, "What's new?"

I said, "Nothing much."

She said, "How's school?"

I said, "It sucks."

Then she said, "That's too bad."

I said, "Yeah."

I'm going to k*ll him, Alan.

I swear to God I'm going to k*ll him.

Oh, yeah, she wants us to come see her dance next weekend.

It says she's performing this weekend.

Oh, I guess she called last weekend.

You're telling me this now?! Charlie, Charlie, calm down.

How many things does the kid have to handle?

Eat, poop, tell me who called.

She said some guy named Will has tickets.

Who's Will?

I don't know. She said he'd call.

Will's going to call?

You mean the tickets are at "Will Call"?

I don't know. Maybe.

Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats.

Do me a favor.

From now on, when somebody calls, write it down.

I did.

Where?

On my homework.

Okay. Where's your homework?

Um... Oh, yeah.

My teacher called. She wants to meet with you.

When?

I guess it was last week.

Peace out.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪ Men.

Mia left us four seats for Friday night.

House seats, center orchestra.

Huh.

What do you think?

You, me, Jake, Kandi, go out to dinner make an evening of it.

Sounds like fun.

Maybe afterwards you could tie me to an anthill and smear honey on my genitals.

So you don't want to go?

Geez, now I see where the kid gets his brains.

No, I don't want to go.

Why would I want to go?

Um, because you were in love with the woman and obviously still have feelings for her and want to see her again.

Oh, that's crazy.

God, you are so naive.

How am I naive?

Oh, oh! I know this one.

Alan, when an ex-girlfriend calls, no good can come from it.

Unless, you know, it's 2:00 a.m., she's blind drunk and wants to get even with her new cheating boyfriend.

She just wanted to invite us to the ballet.

Yeah, right.

And girls are completely unaware that you can see their nipples through their shirts.

What does that have...?

Really? They know?

There's only a few reasons why an ex calls.

One: they're doing great and want to rub your nose in it, or two: they're doing lousy and need to borrow money.

Or three: they've got money from knocking over a Laundromat and want to hide under your trailer until the heat's off.

It happens.

Okay, okay. How about four: she misses you and wants to try again?

What is it she's going to try?

To change me into something I'm not to get me to stop drinking, smoking, gambling?

To rescue me from the barren, loveless abyss my life has become?

What?

You know what I think?

I think you were never happier than when you were with Mia.

You still have feelings for her and you're just afraid to admit it.

You are so wrong. You couldn't be more wrong!

Believe that guy?

You want the truth?

No, probably not.

Good call.

Oh, by the way, here's the 20 bucks I owe ya.

♪ Men...

ALAN: I am telling you it is not appropriate to wear to the ballet.

Why you trippin' on me?

Hey, Alan.

[GRUFFLY]: Matey.

I'm not a pirate.

You're not a gangsta either.

You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head.

Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.

You know kids better than me.

How, how long does this pimp stage last?

Just ignore him.

You sure you won't change your mind and come with us?

Positive.

Should I at least say hi to Mia for you?

Say whatever you want.

I'm meeting somebody at Pavlov's.

Who?

How would I know?

I haven't met her yet.

[KNOCKING]

Hi, do I look okay?

Perfect.

Hey, no fair!

You grow a rack like that, you can wear anything you want on your head.

You have a house on the beach?

I'd love to see it.

I could take you there.

Great.

Then I could bring you out on my deck, we could watch the surf in the moonlight, then I could take you in my arms, kiss you.

Not a big kiss.

Just a little something that gives you a taste of what's to come.

Well, let's go.

Then I would take your hand and lead you up to my bedroom where I would slowly undress you, then lay you down on the crisp cool sheets and proceed to make wild, passionate love to you until we're both totally spent.

Okay.

Then in the morning, I'll bring you a cup of coffee and your car keys.

Wow!

Wait, my car keys?

I'll promise to call you, but I never will.

Then when you try to call me, you'll find that the phone number I gave you belongs to a dry cleaner in Koreatown.

What?

When all is said and done, you know what we'll both have? Nothing.

Not even a good memory.

So what do you say we do us both a favor and not go through with this whole pathetic charade?

Okay.

Geez, I was just trying to get laid.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

So, Jake, the swan is dying...

Can you believe...?

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Hey, what did I miss?

I thought you weren't coming.

I'm not here for Mia.

I'm here to support the arts.

Yikes. Look at the package on that pretty dude.

Hey, good job.

Eat something.

Charlie!

Hey, you were terrific.

Thank you.

I am so glad you came.

Are you kidding me? I've been looking forward to this all week.

Dressed like that?

Well, how else would you recognize me?

These are for you.

Thank you.

They're... beautiful.

No big deal.

They had 'em at the liquor store.

It was either this or a stack of Lotto scratchers.

I think you made the wise choice.

We'll never know, will we?

By the way, Alan would have come back, too, but he had to take the kids home.

The kids?

He's kind of adopted a young girl.

Really?

Well, not so much adopted as banging.

So you're looking good.

You, too. How you been?

Great, just great.

Really great.

Good.

No, no. No, great.

And you. How have you been?

Wonderful.

All right, then.

I'm great and you're wonderful.

What the hell are we doing here?

Charlie, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.

Hey, Mia, who's your cute friend?

This is Charlie.

Charlie, Theresa.

Hey.

So what do you want to talk about?

This really isn't the right place.

Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?

Sure, I'll be up because you know, I'm a night person.

I remember.

Of course, if you come too late I could be drunk.

I remember.

Or there could be other women there. I remember.

See you later.

Whatever.

Hey, can you unhook me?

♪ Men...

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

What's going on?

Nothing.

Mia's coming over so I thought I'd... Nothing.

I see.

What do you mean, you see?

You're right.

It's too much.

How's that?

Well, I...

You're right.

She'll smell that there were candles burning, so I have to light at least one.

Now what about the music?

What about it?

You're right. It sounds like I'm trying too hard.

["CAMPTOWN RACES" PLAYING]

Better?

Well...

You're right.

No music.

Charlie?

Yeah?

I'm just glad you're over her.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Get the door.

Get the door! Get the door!

Hi, Alan.

Hey, Mia. You were great tonight.

Thanks. Did Jake like it?

He was absolutely knocked out.

Charlie, Mia's here.

Oh, really? Well, ask her in.

All right.

Won't you come in?

Hi, Mia. I almost forgot you were coming.

Get out.

Nice to see you again.

Nice to see you, too.

Sit down.

Make yourself at home.

Place looks the same.

Well, you know me.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If it is broke, who gives a rat's ass?

Can I get you a drink?

No. I'm good.

So am I. In fact, I'm great.

Yeah. You mentioned that.

Repeatedly.

So, what did you want to talk about?

Oh, boy, this is a hard thing to ask.

You need some money.

What?

No.

So, what?

You want to get back together again?

Oh, God, no.

All right, then.

How about a quickie for old times' sake?

Please.

Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy.

You're smart, you're handsome, you're talented...

All good arguments for the quickie.

Will you let me finish?

Didn't I always?

Okay. Sorry.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want out of life.

I love dancing, but let's face it, I'm not getting any younger.

So the time has come for me to make some tough choices.

I understand completely.

You do?

Nah. I'm just trying to be supportive.

Charlie, I came here because...

Well...

I want your sperm.

All right. Where do you want it?

Alan! Alan! Wake up! Wake up!

What?

Mia wants sperm.

Well, don't look at me.

No. She wants my sperm.

She wants me to make a deposit so she can have a baby.

You're kidding. Apparently, that's another one of its uses.

What the hell is that?

I'm not sure.

Near as I can tell, she's chasing a rabbit.

So why did Mia come to you?

Well, it turns out her biological clock is ticking.

Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickin's there.

And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.

Which pretty much leaves you.

Yep. I'm good genetic material, you know?

Easy on the eyes.

And she wants to raise the kid alone, which fits nicely into my lifestyle.

Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

Look, I didn't come in here to argue with you.

Look in the hedges. Look in the hedges.

What?

I don't know.

So... so what are you... what are you gonna do?

You gonna go to a sperm bank?

Well, I tried to talk her into a direct deposit.

You know, straight from the tap.

But she really dug in her heels.

And not in the good way.

And you're okay with it?

Well, why not? I've sent billions of soldiers out there.

It's time for one of them to finally take the hill.

[GROWLING]

Now what?

I think she caught the rabbit.

Oh. Anyway, this could be my one chance to guarantee the Charlie gene lives on.

You know, make sure that the double helix that is uniquely me keeps on truckin' into the future.

Okay, okay, let's assume that's a good thing.

One more question. Yeah?

If you have no doubts about this, why did you wake me up to tell me?

Well, you're my brother, and I thought you should know you're going to be an uncle.

You mean, I'm going to be an uncle to a child I'll never see.

Tell you what.

When he turns 12, I'll track him down, bring him to live with you, and we'll see if you get your phone messages.

♪ Men...

What do you think?

Looks like pretty standard boilerplate.

It basically says that once your swim team's off the bus, you're no longer the coach.

All right. Let's see.

Where do I sign?

The ol' John Hancock, if you will.

Are you sure you want to?

You're giving up the rights not only to your sperm, but to any children that might result from them... it.

I understand. Do you?

Once you sign, Mia can do whatever she wants with it... them.

She can use it, resell it, freeze it, put it on eBay...

I don't care if she uses it to caulk her bathtub.

Once the boys reach escape velocity, they're on their own.

I see.

It's out of my hands, so to speak.

I get it.

Okay. I'll be back in two shakes.

Three, if it's cold in there.

Charlie, you okay?

[MAN YELLING ANGRILY IN SPANISH]

Lo siento, señor.

Charlie?

What?!

Well, you've been in there a long time.

How is it going?

How do you think it's going?

Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes, when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a completely different woman.

Oh, thanks.

The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along.

Excuse me. I was just trying to help.

Yeah, well, I was just trying to have sex with a cup.

Don't think of it as a cup.

Think of it as a... a polyurethane lap dancer.

[THUMP ON DOOR]

Hello.

Charlie, I was just getting packed.

Oh, right, you're heading to San Francisco.

That's got to be a big ballet town.

So, did you go to the sperm bank?

Uh-huh.

And?

Not a lot of laughs in that place.

I asked the receptionist if she ever takes her work home with her.

Nothing. Not even a smile.

Thanks for doing this.

You have no idea what it means to me.

Yeah, well, funny thing.

Turns out it means something to me, too.

What are you talking about?

I tried, Mia, I really did.

I tried the magazines, the movies.

You can't imagine how bad p*rn acting is until you actually watch more than three, four minutes at a time.

So you're saying you couldn't? You?

Yeah, I know.

What are the odds, huh?

Well, I guess these things happen.

You'll try again, and I'm sure you'll do fine.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, I have some thoughts about the reason things didn't go down as planned, or, actually, up.

Okay, I'm listening.

As I was sitting in that little sperm cubicle, watching Assmasters 7, The Final Chapter, all I could think about was some kid of mine growing up somewhere, and-and me not having a chance to, you know, be a part of his life.

I thought you were okay with that.

I thought I was, too, but, as it turns out, I'm not.

So, if this is something you really want to do, then you're going to have to find someone else.

I see.

And, by the way, Assmasters 7 is not the final chapter.

They left a lot of loose ends.

All right, well, I got to go.

I appreciate the effort.

Yeah, thanks.

I think I have a rotator cuff injury.

Good seeing you again, Charlie.

Good seeing you, too.

Let me float another idea by you.

What?

It's a little crazy, a little unorthodox, but if you really want a kid, this could be the solution.

Charlie, I am not having sex with you.

Who said anything about having sex?

I'm asking you to marry me.

There's no Charlie here.

Why you stupid girls keep calling?

No, listen, I don't take message.

I do dry cleaning.

One more time, there's no Charlie here!