10x02 - A Big Bag of Dog

[bunniefuu]

Good morning.

Top of the morning to you, sir.

Oh, God, did you have a stroke?

Oh, no, no stroke. I'm bleaching my teeth.

- What? - Hmm.

I'm bleaching my teeth.

Oh.

- What are you up to? - Nothing. Just reading the news.

Mm. Me too. Old-school. Ha, ha.

Anything interesting over there?

Reading an article about how home teeth-whitening systems...

...might cause mouth cancer.

- Really? - No, of course not.

Why are you even bothering with that thing?

I get rejected by women for a hundred different reasons.

Whiter teeth would make it 99.

Zoey? Oh.

- Hi, Ava. - Good morning, Walden.

What a great surprise. What are you doing?

I wanted to invite you to my birthday party.

That is so sweet.

Uh, I don't know if I can.

Why not?

Oh, boy. Uh, is your mom there?

She's taking a shower.

Maybe when she gets out, you could ask if I can come.

Why? It's not her birthday.

Oh, this is breaking my heart.

Here's the thing, Ava. I'm not your mom's boyfriend anymore.

I know that. She's in the shower with Peter.

Kids say the darnedest things.

Okay, I'll tell you what, Ava, uh...

...you let me talk to your mom and we'll figure something out.

Okay. I love you, Walden.

I love you too.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Damn it.

I can't believe she's sleeping with this guy already.

Oh, we don't know that.

All we know is they're in the shower together.

- You're not helping. - Sorry.

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up.

A whiter smile.

I've got another tray. How about it?

- No. - You sure? You know what they say:

A million-dollar smile gathers a lot of interest.

Who says that?

It's the slogan on the box.

At least I think it is. My Spanish is a little shaky.

I'll pass.

You sure? Might take your mind off of Zoey.

- My mind is not on Zoey. - Okay, fine.

You need to stop parking your car in the garage.

- Oh, really? How come? - It's leaking oil.

Oh, I don't think so. I haven't put oil in it in two years.

- It's leaking something. - Why don't I put down some cardboard?

- Why don't you just put it on the street? - No, the salty sea air is very corrosive.

Hurt the Blue Book value.

Alan, you drive a 13-year-old Volvo station wagon...

...with a quarter of a million miles on it.

The Blue Book has more value than your car.

- Well, okay, but I- - No buts!

You put your car on the street or I'll put your ass on the street.

What a colossal douche.

What? - Just moving my car, boss!

Hey.

Hey.

I want to apologize for going off on you this morning.

No need.

- Really? - Water under the bridge.

Which, coincidentally, is where I had to park my car.

Well, I appreciate that.

And just FYI, pigeons nest under there.

My car already looks like it's covered in mashed potatoes.

- I'll get it washed for you. - It'll need detailing.

No problem.

And oil.

Sure.

We good?

Yeah, I suppose.

Now, show me that million-peso smile.

- Oh, no, I- You can't really tell. - Oh, come on.

Wow.

- Nice. It's like a movie-star smile. - Ah?

- You think? - Yeah, they look like little Chiclets.

- Oh, thank you, thank you. - Mm.

Hey, I'm really sorry about the whole car thing.

This breakup's got me a little crazy.

Oh. I understand. When my wife left me, I had a lot of anger.

Of course, I internalized it...

...which led to a lot of hair in the sink and blood in the toilet.

So you know what it's like to love someone so much that your heart feels...

...like it's gonna explode from your chest with pure happiness.

Oh, God, no, I was just pissed off about losing the house.

My point is that everybody has problems.

But what's important is how you deal with them.

Here, let me get that for you.

See, the key is, you gotta tap it in the right spot.

- It's not... - Oh.

- It's okay. I got it. - No, no. No, I got it.

What the hell?

- Son of a b*tch! - It's fine. Don't worry about it.

No, it's not! I want ketchup and I can't have it!

- Calm down, it's just a condiment. - Choose me, damn it. Choose me!

We're not talking about ketchup, are we?

What else would we be talking about?

Okay.

- Uh, here, let me help you clean that up. - Oh, no, no, don't worry about it.

Here, give me your shirt and pants. I'll throw them in the washer.

- That's not necessary, actually. - Give me your shirt and pants.

Oh, don't wash the shirt with the pants...

...because it's off-brand and the colors tend to run.

Oh, and wash the pants in cold water.

- Okay. - They shrink in warm water.

Of course, that's funny, because I shrink in cold water.

- Just give me your stupid clothes. - Here, here.

Thank you.

I am so back in the garage.

Perfect.

Coming.

With any luck, it'll be a door-to-door ketchup salesman.

Oh, Robin.

Hello, Alan.

Sorry. Come on in.

- Walden, your mom's here! Be right there.

So nice to see you.

Well, it's nice to see so much of you.

Your son insisted I take off my clothes after he soiled them.

That sounded weird, didn't it?

- So, what brings you by? - Walden's taking me to lunch.

Oh, lovely. I enjoy the occasional lunch with my mom.

- Really? - As one enjoys the occasional colonoscopy.

Walden!

Sorry.

- Let's go. I'll drive. ROBIN: Okay.

Oh. Bon appétit.

Bye. - Bye.

Everything about that man is disturbing.

Nice to see you again.

Oh, look, the Yellow Pages.

Man.

Oh, boy.

- Um, Berta? - Yeah?

I'm locked out.

Hang on.

Hurry up, I don't have any clothes on.

Hello?

Berta? Oh, come on!

This is nice. You and I haven't gone out for a bite to eat in a long time.

Yeah.

It's a shame Zoey couldn't join us.

Mm-hm.

How's she doing?

- Fine. - Good, I'm glad.

She's a great gal. You don't wanna let that one get away.

Right.

How old is her daughter? Eight?

She's almost 9.

When's her birthday?

- Few days. - Oh, fun. Is there gonna be a party?

Yeah.

You know, for one of your birthdays, I got you a bouncy castle.

- Do you remember? - I do.

- Get one of those for Zoey's daughter. - That's a good idea.

Oh. And take lots of pictures. Those are the moments you remember forever.

What-? What's happening?

We're out of gas. We just passed a station. I'll be right back.

This is an electric car.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, weren't-? Weren't you having lunch with your mom?

I was, but then she insisted on taking an interest in my life.

That b*tch.

- What are you working on? - Oh, the NASDAQ presentation.

- I could use a hand. - Sure. Send it over.

Okay, here it comes.

Oh, how'd the marriage proposal go?

- Went fine. - How big of a rock you give her?

Pretty big.

Did she go under the table to thank you?

No, but you can.

Oh! Walden.

Dude. When's the big day?

- Don't know. - What do you mean?

- I mean, we haven't set a date yet! - Whoa, don't bite my head off, man, okay?

Wow.

- Oh, my God. - What?

She shot you down, didn't she?

Can we just focus on the presentation?

No, we can't. Listen.

- Look, did she give you a reason? - Billy.

- Was it-? - Seriously, let it go.

Was it-? Was it that you were-? You were too pretty or too rich?

Walden, Walden, this proves that God exists.

And he's a short fat guy that didn't get laid in high school.

Stop, please.

No, listen, listen, okay...

...first Bridget divorces you and starts dating me.

And I mean, like... right?

Then... Then you get dumped by Mary Poppins.

I mean, Walden, you've gotta wonder:

What is it about you that drives women away?

- Billy, this is your last chance, dude. - Okay, I'm changing the subject.

Changing the subject, okay?

I banged your ex-wife in the shower this morning.

Go away!

Did you say, "Come in"?

What do you want, Alan?

Oh, I'm just checking in.

You know, you've been hiding out up here for quite a few days now.

- Yeah. I'm busy. - Oh.

I- I can see that.

So, what do you got here? Is this Versailles or an Indian casino?

No, it's a dream house. I'm gonna send it to Zoey...

...so she can see where we could've lived if we would've gotten married.

Heh. Sure, that's not weird.

Um- Oh. Oh, you been smoking some pot?

No.

Oh. What a shame. Would've explained a lot. Um...

Listen, buddy, maybe it's time to take a break.

No, I gotta finish the roof before the rainy season.

Oh. There's weather in Legoland. Um...

Oh, oh. By the way, I bought you your own tooth-whitening kit.

You know, in case you ever feel like smiling again.

"As seen on Telemundo."

- Put it in the Zoey room. - What?

- The Zoey room. - Oh.

Alrighty. Heh.

Oh, boy.

You can almost see the yellow police tape.

On the plus side, my teeth look fantastic.

Thank you all for coming. I know you're all as concerned...

- ...about Walden as I am. - You know what I'm concerned about?

I'm concerned with the tooth he knocked out of my head, all right?

I smoked crack for three and a half years, I didn't lose tooth one.

Then golden boy gets dumped, I look like a extra on Hillbilly Handfishin', eh?

I'd just like to point out that Walden is not the first rich and handsome guy...

...to snap his bean up in that room.

Thank you, Berta.

I'm just saying maybe the house is haunted.

Maybe it's plagued by a negative entity who just won't leave.

Hey, you're not gonna hang this on me.

It's my hope that if we share our concerns with Walden...

...with a unified voice, we might be able to get through.

- Like an intervention? - Oh, those suck.

They're like- They're like judgmental surprise parties.

They're like, "Surprise! You're a loser!"

I don't need an intervention.

- I'm fine. - Sweetie, we're worried about you.

Well, you don't have to worry anymore. I'm done with Zoey.

Please tell me that's not her in the bag.

No, it's the Legos! And the- And the pictures.

Oh, good. Heh.

Yeah, I- This breakup hit me a lot harder than I thought.

Well, anyway, I want to apologize for the way that I've been acting.

- Uh, I think I went a little off the rails. - A little?

I had perfect teeth.

Oh. I just whitened mine.

Yeah, now you're good-looking.

Anyway, I appreciate you all being worried about me.

But I- I really think I've turned the corner.

God, what is with that dog?

Honey, don't worry about the dog. You were saying?

Yes, I was saying that lately I've been really sad.

And I didn't know how to deal with it, so I got angry.

But I think now I know how to process those feelings, so I...

Damn it!

ROBIN: Walden!

Oh, God, what has he done?

Sounds like he k*lled a dog?

Okay, problem solved.

You stole a dog?

No, I bought him. He's real smart. Watch this:

Sit.

Sit.

Sit.

Okay, stand up.

What a good dog.

- Hey. - Whoa, that is a big bag of dog food.

He's a big bag of dog.

- You sure taking on a pet is a good idea? - I think it'll help me a lot.

You know, just unconditional love from an animal that'll never leave me.

Thought that's what I was for, but okay.

Check it out, I got him a chew toy, with big white teeth just like yours.

Yeah, that is cute.

Come here. Let me show you something else that's cute.

I might wanna get a trainer.

Way ahead of you.

I got a number for you to call.

What did I do with my phone?

Oh, here. Why don't I call you so you can find it?

You're number one on my speed-dial, by the way.

Wonder how many bars he gets in there.

Oh, Walden, you came to my party.

I did. And I brought you a present.

- Oh, boy. Is he mine? - He sure is.

Oh, thank you, what's his name?

He doesn't have one. It's up to you. You can name him whatever you want.

I'm gonna call him Walden.

That's perfect.

What's going on? Walden?

Look, Mommy, Walden got me a dog for my birthday.

What?

I love you, Walden.

You're gonna be hearing that a lot.

- Happy birthday, Ava. - Wait, wait, Walden, come back here.

I can't. I wasn't invited.

Uh-oh. Walden took a big poop.

Oh, hey. How you doing?

I've never felt better in my whole life.

Good. You think you got the whole Zoey thing in your rearview mirror?

- I do. - Attaboy.

Hey, where's Dogzilla?

What?

Did you whiten your teeth?

Nope. I did a bad, bad thing.

Oh, no, not my Louboutins.

Ugh.

Walden is taking this stupid bloody dog back.