08x13 - The Worst Noel

[bunniefuu]

And now,

for your Christmas
viewing pleasure,

channel 2 presents...

Anything but It's
A Wonderful Life.

It's A Wonderful Life.

It's A Wonderful Life!

It's A Wonderful Life.

It's The Good, The
Bad, And The Ugly.

All right!

Right after It's
A Wonderful Life.

Dad, it's Christmas Eve.

Shouldn't you be out shoeing
the homeless or something?

Quite the noble gesture, son,

but Christmas Eve is a time

that you should spend
with your loved ones.

I'd say that's enough time.

Go away, I'm tryin' to watch TV.

Dad, every year, you and
Mom sit here on the couch

and end up fightin'
over what to watch.

Why don't you take her
on down to Almost Steak

and treat her to the
all-you-can-keep-down

Christmas special?

Then where would we
go for our anniversaries?

Dad, it's Christmas.
There's nothin' on.

Of course there is! I
got 40 channels here.

The spirit of Christmas
has gotta be on one of 'em.

And now live,

the great ladies of the
squared circle present...

Christmas oil wrestling.

Ha ha ha.

See that?

Ooh, look at those chestnuts.

He won't budge, Kell.

What are we gonna do?

Well, you're the one
who wanted to get him

a big old jukebox for Christmas.

Hey, if a really cool watch
had fallen off the truck,

I would've gotten
him that instead.

I just hope they like it.

Well, they should.

It's got all those
geezer records on it.

It's even got one from way back

when Cher used
to sing with her son.

Well, we can't leave it in
this freezing garage all night.

Well, we can take it upstairs

and hide it in one of our rooms.

Oh, no problem.

Just let me eats
me spinach first.

We'll do it together.

We'll just take it
up behind Dad.

Look, he's watching
oil wrestling.

He seems to be pretty focused.

She's down!

Her breasts are touching!

Her breasts are touching!

It's kinda nice to see Dad

gettin' in the Christmas spirit.

Okay, come on, let's do it.

Okay.

Al, guess what I've got.

You got a Christmas
present for me?

Uh, no.

But I could go back out again.

Do you have any money?

Well, I was saving
up for a b*llet.

That can be from me.

Is this wrestling?

Ah, no, Peg. It's C-SPAN.

That's Sandra Day O'Connor
and Ruth Bader Ginsburg

settling their differences.

Of course it's wrestling!

Well, you know,
I don't really...

Peg, hold it.

I know what you're going to do.

You're goin' to say,
"Is this all that's on?"

Then you're gonna make me
change it 'cause you know I like it.

Al, that's just not true.

Is this all that's on?

Yes, Peg. It's Christmas Eve,

it's all that's
on, and I like it.

Well, change it.

Fine.

Oh, look.

It's A Wonderful Life.

Peg, I hate this movie!

How can you hate
It's A Wonderful Life?

Because it's a horrible life.

You know the reason
they never made a sequel?

Because when the guy
came back, he k*lled himself.

And this time, he took
that angel with him.

This must be written by a woman.

This stinks. It bites. It blows.

But if you wanna
watch it, Peg...

Oh, never mind. Just turn it.

Good. See, I told
you there's nothing on.

I'm goin' back to wrestling.

Honey, how come you
never wrestle with me?

Because either I
end up on top of you,

or you end up on top of
me, and either way, I lose.

Kell!

What?

It's on my foot.

Which foot?

The one that's
flat as your head.

Now help me back out
the door with this thing.

Your stocking's gonna be as
empty as your bed, young man.

Aah!

Damn carolers.

You know, I have
just one thing to say

about oil wrestling.

What?

Do we have to watch this?

What is it?

You look over, you
see a smile on my face,

you say I can't have this?

No, Al.

I just thought it would be nice

if we could enjoy
something together.

We tried that on
our honeymoon, Peg.

Remember how we cried?

Just change the channel.

Fine.

Oh, now... now there you go.

You're goin' too
fast. Come on, Al.

What was that?

What was that?

What was that?

A Bewitched with d*ck York,
not d*ck Sargent as Darren,

a Gilligan where the
gorilla came to the island,

a Full House Family
Christmas story

where they were
snowed in at the airport,

and a study of the mating habits

of the Amazonian catfish with
Phillippe, not Jacques Cousteau.

You can see all that,

and yet you can't see
the rim around the toilet?

I see what I wanna see, Peg.

It's me!

And I don't wanna see that.

Marcy, are you having a
Christmas party this year?

Nope. Sorry.

By the way, can I
borrow some ice?

Sure. Help yourself.

You know, it's a damn shame

you're not havin'
that Christmas party.

I had a good time
at that last one.

Remember, I got 95
cocktail weenies in my mouth?

Yeah, that was real funny, Al.

You know, I would've
got 96 in there

if I didn't have to sneeze.

Hey, you remember the
look on your boss's face?

I wish you were havin' a party.

I really enjoyed it.

It's a shame, too, 'cause I got

a whole new batch of
dwarf jokes this year.

That makes me all the
sadder that we're not.

Can I take this chair?

Sure. Go ahead.

Uh, say, what are you
guys doing for Christmas?

Well, you know I
like to spend my time

with the less fortunate,

so I'll be staying home with Al.

What about you guys?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, we'll just be at home
having a quiet evening.

Hey, Marcy!

Great blowout!

Damn shame about that party.

- Give me the remote, Al.
- Ah, here we go.

I know what you're gonna do. You're
gonna go real slow and aggravate me.

Please don't do this, Peg.

I'll go fast. I promise.

This is PBS,

And if you want more
bad English television

that your friends
will insist is better

than bad American television,

please send your pledges
in either cash, check

or canned food to...

Ah, Pooky?

What, Al?

Just out of curiosity,
why are we watching this?

Well, you know I...

Turn it!

Fine.

There. I Love Lucy.

I hate Lucy.

The real star was Fred.

They should have k*lled off Ethel
and Lucy, and that illegal alien.

They should've made
Fred a single guy

and called it Mertz' World.

But if you wanna
watch it, then...

All right, Kell, now, look.

This is what we're gonna do.

You're gonna tie this
rope around the jukebox.

I'm gonna go upstairs.

And when you're
ready, I'll pull it up.

Okay, but we wouldn't
be havin' this problem

if we had just used the seesaw.

And I wouldn't be having this
problem if Dad had used a condom.

Just tie it.

God, is that Michael Bolton
screaming "Silent Night"?

What's his next number gonna be,

"Hark, The Hairy Angel Sings"?

You know, you
don't like anything.

Starting with you!

Merry Christmas.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Damn, I wish the
D'Arcys were havin'

a Christmas party this year.

Hey, Al.

Look, do you mind
if we just borrow

the rest of these chairs?

Oh, sure, buddy.

No Christmas
party this year, huh?

I'm afraid not.

Say, can we take the table?

Sure.

Any beer?

Huh. Gonna have sex
with the wife tonight, huh?

You'll need a couple
of six packs then.

You want a bag?

Ah, no. I'll just carry it.

No, I meant a bag for your wife.

Ah, no, no thanks.

What are you gonna do?
You just gonna stay home?

Yeah, yeah.

Just, uh... me
and the little lady,

and your chairs
and table and stuff.

See ya!

You know, Peg, if I
didn't know any better,

I'd swear they
were havin' a party.

All right, Kell.

Did you tie the rope
around the jukebox?

Yeah.

Okay. Toss it to me.

The jukebox?

The rope, you lug nut.

Oh. Gotcha. Ready?

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, pull on it,
make sure it's tight.

Oh, all right.

Aah!

Why did you pull on
the rope that way?

'Cause I wanted to make sure

that it was tight
on your end, too.

Upstairs.

But...

Get upstairs.

Okay.

♪ Who's that riding
in the sleigh? ♪

♪ Who's that f*ring
along the way? ♪

♪ Who's wrecking up
your Christmas Day? ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

Look, Peg, it's a Christmas
episode of Psycho Dad.

Oh, not again.

Peg, it's a classic.

This is the one
where you get to know

how he got the eight reindeer
heads on the walls of his cabin.

Merry Christmas.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Al, I am not
watching Psycho Dad.

Ah, Peg!

I'm turning it.

Then I'm goin' to the bathroom.

And I really hate
this commercial.

You know, Peg, I could swear

I heard noises coming
from the D'Arcys'.

I think they got
a party goin' on.

Don't be silly, Al.

You know if they had a party,

they surely would
have invited you.

Well, that's true.

Say, Peg...

did you have that hat on

before I went to the bathroom?

Uh... why, yes.

Yes, I did.

You know, Al Bundy,
you never look at me.

Ah, yes, I do.

Yeah, I... I remember it now.

Switch the channel, will ya?

Ooh, the Christian
Shopping Network.

Have your next supper

on our Last Supper plates.

Service for 13, only $49.95

Okay, I'm ready.

Hey, what're you doin'?

I'm gonna retie your knot.

Now don't lift
it until I say so.

Don't what?

Lift it.

Uh-oh.

Oh!

Kelly!

Kelly, let me down, you moron.

Let me down!

Okay.

Uh-oh.

Are you down?

Yes.

And so are you.

Wait. Don't pull it, Bud.

I tied it to the...

Dresser.

And now, the Black
Entertainment channel

presents It's A Malcolm Xmas.

Ah, Mama!

I can't stand it anymore.

Gimme the remote.

Al, you're goin' too fast again.

Oh, this just isn't working.

I go too slow, you go too fast.

Gee, what does
that remind you of?

Let's just try this
together, shall we?

Oh, now you're takin' up
more than half the remote.

And you're takin' up
more than half the couch!

Oh.

For those of you who
missed the first 53 airings,

NBC is proud to present
Cheers, the final episode.

What does Cheers have
to do with Christmas?

What does NBC have
to do with television?

Change it.

Ah, no.

Not Sally Struthers Feeds
the Third World channel.

Sally, open your purse up.

I'm sure there's enough
Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos in there

to start a new 7-Eleven!

That's all these starving kids
need is someone like Sally

standing there saying,
"Are you gonna finish that?"

Change it.

Oh... this is the
TV movie version

of It's A Wonderful Life.

It's from a female perspective.

Starring Suzanne Pleshette.

Who plays the female?

Merry Christmas.

Okay, Al...

guess who's under the mistletoe?

She pecked me, Peg.

Now I know you're
havin' a party over there.

I am, too.

Do you have any contraceptives?

Well, uh...

I got a magazine with
Whoopi Goldberg on the cover.

That'll do.

And to all, a good night.

I am almost positive

that they're havin'
a party over there.

Now on Home Shopping Channel,

we're offering this
gold-plated necklace.

We've been offering it at $49,

but for the next ten minutes,

you can buy it for 49 cents.

Look what they put on TV.
Look how hideous this stuff is.

Do they actually think
that women'll go for this?

Ah, yes, I'd like three, please.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

I would love a Brazilian
Christmas tree emerald ring.

How dare you
try to sell this crap

to women who
might actually wear it?

Hey, guys, you...

You still got that
pocket fisherman?

Happy birthday.

Who was that?

Kelly.

A&E,

the arts and entertainment
channel presents...

It's A h*tler Christmas.

Arts and entertainment channel?

I thought we had that blocked.

Just a few stations
left. Let's keep going.

Now available on CD, cassette,

and yes, eight-track.

It's A Country Christmas.

Hear such hits as...

"Let's Put The Lights
On The Trailer."

♪ Let's put the
lights on the trailer ♪

Is that Rudolph's
nose or Daddy's?

♪ Is that Rudolph's
nose or Daddy's? ♪

Grandma's frozen
on the porch swing.

♪ Grandma's frozen
on the porch swing ♪

See, I told you it
would be easier

if we both did the pulling.

Oh, great, Kell.

Now who's gonna
be upstairs to lift it

through the window since
we're both down here?

Oh, you're right.

Hey, I'll go do it.

Aah!

I was watching that.

That's it. That's it.

I've had it, Peg.

Every year, we sit here;

every year, it's the same thing.

TV at Christmas time reeks.

I wish they should
just shut it off.

I wish there wasn't
any such thing as TV.

Oh, my God, Peg,
the power's off.

What're we gonna do, Peg?

There's no TV!

Well, we could cuddle.

Be serious, Peg!

There's no TV.

Now I'm sorry I said
that about the TV.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, what are we
gonna watch, Al?

I don't know, there's
nothing on. Everything stinks.

They ought to just shut it off!

Um...

Mom, Dad, we have
something to tell you.

Yeah.

We're really sorry, but...

this is the only thing left...

Hey now...

you kids bought us a record?

Yeah, we got you a record.

Yeah, that's what
we got for you.

Wow, Nat King Cole
sings the "Christmas Song."

It's been so long
since I heard Nat

without Natalie.

I'll put it on.

So, did you get us anything?

Ah, why, yes, honey, we did.

There you go.

And, Bud.

Yeah, Ma?

Merry Christmas.

Oh, kids.

Ah, it really is
a wonderful life.

♪ Chestnuts roasting ♪